When Did Your Heart Go Missing
by justlikebrooke
Summary: It's been two and a half years since Brooke broke up with Lucas in high school, but then one night in college they meet again. A long journey begins and Brooke's old saying is put to the test. This is an alternate s5 fic, focusing on BL.
1. No Right Angles

Author's note: Hi all. I'm starting a new story. And I should probably tell you that the idea for this sprung out of a season 5-spoiler. It's going to be a bumpy road, but I hope you'll all enjoy. The title for this chapter is from a song by the same name, performed by Ben Lee.

Disclaimer: I don't own One Tree Hill. Sadly the tv-series is all in the tight grip of Mark Schwan. If I did in fact own it, then season 5 would look something like this story. /Lynn

-

**CHAPTER 1 – No Right Angles **

_So dream;  
let your body play.  
Anyone in need  
give it all away.  
No right angles in my life,  
there are no right angles in my life_

-

Lucas stands in an upscale bar, thirty-eight stories above Manhattan, feeling totally lost. Champagne is flowing and literati mingle about around him but even though this 'party' is pretty much for his sake he doesn't feel the least bit welcome. This is not his usual environment, and in the suit and tie he's wearing, he just feels out of place.

An easel sits near the entrance with an oversize mock-up of his book cover for 'An Unkindness of Ravens' and everybody politely smalltalks to him about it. But he doesn't know anyone here and on top of everything, he's starting to get bored.

When he wrote this book in high school he never would have though that this would be it. He had had high flying dreams of this stardom as a famous author and he had always thought that he'd have the book-release party at his mom's café in Tree Hill. Everyone would be there and he would tell them all how thankful he was towards them in some heartfelt speech.

But instead he's standing here, in a way to classy bar, without family or friends with him to celebrate.

An assistant from the publishing company comes up to him where he stands, and the girl, probably just a year older than himself, clears her throat.

"Excuse me, Mr. Scott, there's someone here to see you. She said to tell you she's from Tree Hill."

He frowns, both for having her call him Mr. Scott, in his head that would always be Dan, and also because he wonders who it can be. His mom had already been there, and Nathan and Haley couldn't make it since James had come down with the flu at the last minute. And it really couldn't be Peyton, right? After the fight they had last night, she would probably not talk to him for weeks. Either way, it wasn't like she wanted to be with him. She had proven that.

Then the assistant steps aside and behind her is a face he would recognize anywhere.

Brooke Davis.

"Well, well, well… If it isn't Lucas Scott…" she says and smiles widely.

So it wasn't Peyton, but having Brooke here a night like this wasn't a bad deal either. He happily embraces her and she hugs him back before he steps back and takes a long look at her.

"Wow Brooke, what are you doing here?"

She smirks, bringing out those 'hard to forget'-dimples and that twinkle in her eyes.

"I wasn't gonna miss a chance to spend a night on the town with a soon-to-be bestselling author, was I?"

"I'm glad you came" he says and means it. "It's good to see you, Brooke".

--

Two hours later they're sitting by the counter in a crowded bar on down town Manhattan. They decided to ditch the publishing party shortly after finding each other, it was mostly old boring editors and company people anyways, and instead they had come here to have a few drinks and catch up. And after his first glass of Jack Daniel's was empty he had already told her about his complete failure with Peyton.

She was shocked of course, mostly probably because Peyton hadn't called her herself, but she took it with more ease then he had thought.

And after the second drink was downed they had already moved on to other subjects, mainly the news that Brooke had moved to New York. Apparently both she and Rachel had transferred to NYFI to finish their educations, but Brooke wasn't even sure if she'd be able to finish the school year. Her little design-line, 'Clothes over Bro's', that had been created in Nathan and Haley's old living room, was growing, and all of a sudden her designs were sought after by a lot of the big companies.

It makes him happy that she's doing well. They hadn't talked much the last two years, just the occasional e-mails or phone calls, but looking at her now she seems happy.

He watches Brooke laughing at a couple a few feet away from them. The woman is obviously pretty tired of her date and when the man reaches over to kiss her she simply turns her head away. Brooke giggles again, saying;

"Did you see the look on her face? You'd think someone spewed on her Jimmy Choo's."

"I'm glad you're enjoying this."

The couple reminds him of himself and Peyton and he can't help it that his voice comes out both bitter and sarcastic. Brooke seems to realize her mistake and her smile falls. For a second she looks just like she did in high school whenever she felt bad for someone and on the inside he smiles. Brooke has always carried her emotions on her sleeve.

"Oh, come on" she says and punches his arm lightly. "You and Peyton are gonna work things out."

"I don't think so, Brooke. Not this time."

She shrugs and half-smiles crookedly. "From what you told me before it sounds like you gave her an ultimatum. Trust me, there's no better way to paralyze a girl. And you know as well as I that Peyton is a little scared of commitment… Maybe proposing to her was a bit much Luke… Maybe you should have just gone with flowers or chocolate?"

She's trying to cheer him up but for some reason it's important to him to get Brooke to see that he has really tried. He had actually asked Peyton to marry him and she had said no.

"Brooke, how many times have you talked to Peyton since you left L.A" he asks tiredly.

The question must be touching a raw spot for Brooke because her body-language instantly stiffens and she crosses her arms over her chest and frowns.

"That's not her fault. We're both busy. She has her music and I have Clothes over Bros'… and we both have school…"

"Yeah? And today she broke up with her boyfriend of almost two and a half years. Has she even called you?"

Brooke doesn't answer and he shakes his head.

"Things have changed, Brooke. It's not the same as before…"

Her facial expression softens again and she reaches out to touch his upper arm. "You're just saying that because you're hurt" she soothes. "And I get it. But I don't think you mean any of it."

There's a long pause, or maybe more of an awkward silence, and he stares into the floor-tiles while she plays with her napkin.

"You know what?" she says suddenly. "We should get drunk. Really, really drunk."

He watches her, marveling over the fact that although almost three years has passed since he dated her, Brooke seems to be the same. And she smiles. "…But first let me see that ring."

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the velvet box he's carried with him the whole day, and then he hands Brooke the ring. He blushes a little because of the awkwardness in the situation. He had after all done this before, handed Brooke a wedding ring that wasn't meant for her. Brooke however doesn't seem to think in that direction but simply takes the ring and gasps.

"Aww… Lucas! It's beautiful!"

Before he has the chance to answer, the bartender takes notice and claps his hands.

"Well, well... Look at these young lovebirds… Congratulations!"

And before he knows it the whole crowd around them applauds. It feels like the entire bar is watching them, and Brooke quickly tries to protest but he puts a hand on her arm and stops her. It feels so good to hang out with Brooke again and he just wants to live a little, forget about the last couple of days and have fun. And what harm could a little white lie really do?

"Let them believe whatever they want" he whispers and she opens her mouth to say something but before the she has the chance, the bartender smiles widely and shouts;

"Champagne on the house!"

The applause continues and he meets her green eyes. They sparkle with pent up mischief and her raised eyebrow seems to say; 'why not?' So he slips the ring onto her finger and her huge smile with those amazing dimples almost looks real to him.

He leans in and puts his forehead towards hers, whispering "we're crazy…" and she jumps five feet into the air when the bartender shoots the champagne cork, before throwing her head back and laughing at herself for being such a scardy-cat. A warm feeling fills him when hearing the sound, and he realizes that he has really missed the sound of Brooke laughing.

-

Five different bars later they walk near Central Park, both more than a little tipsy. Brooke his jacket thrown over her shoulders, because even though she says she's not he's sure she is cold in only her dress. He is not cold at all, it's probably the alcohol keeping him warm, or maybe all the laughing. Because as much as he has laughed since declaring a fake-engagement with the girl beside him, he hasn't laughed in months.

"Who knew that ring trick would get us free drinks all over Midtown, huh?" he says and winks at her. And then he quickly reaches out and grabs when she is about to fall.

"Oops…" she laughs. "Maybe a little too many free drinks. I think I'm drunk."

They pass a horse-drawn carriage that's standing still beside the road. It's a beautiful old wagon and it reminds him of the one Haley rode up in when she and Nathan got married their second time. The driver notices them and waves.

"Hey youngsters. Can I give you two a ride?"

Brooke looks at him, excitement written all over her face and he exchanges a look with the elderly man by the horse. Then he smiles down at Brooke again.

"Why not? It is our engagement night."

The driver breaks into a huge smile and opening the door to the carriage he says; "In that case, the ride's free."

-

It's dark in the park, the few streetlights scattered along the path creating only a dimmed glow. And he's drunk, and maybe that adds to the situation, but sitting beside Brooke in the horse-drawn carriage makes him nostalgic. He remembers when they dated back in high school and Brooke had said that she had always wanted to take a carriage-ride in Central Park. He had laughed back then, kissed her and called her an incorrigible romantic, but now he wonders why they never did this before.

Brooke's thigh keeps rubbing against his and every time small electrical impulses shoot through him, making the skin on his neck prickle with Goosebumps. Funny how something so simple as sitting beside each other like this could bring back so many memories…

"This is nice…" she mumbles and leans her head on his shoulder and her raspy voice just adds to the warm feeling pooling in her stomach.

"It is…" he answers softly. "And it's kind of romantic too."

It's hard to believe that just hours earlier his mood had been on an all time low, and now he feels like laughing out loud. He takes another sip of the sparkling champagne and smiles to himself. And Brooke looks up at him and her raspy voice once again sounds in his ears;

"Are you making fun of me Luke?"

"Of course not princess."

His smile and quirked eyebrow tells a whole other story and she giggles softly and readjusts against him, mumbling "shut up…"

The driver turns in his seat up front. "So what do you two have planned for your lives together?"

He glances down at Brooke and she looks back at him. They have no choice but to play along now and Brooke is of course up for the challenge.

"Well, we're definitely gonna be a power couple" she states. "Lucas is going to be a famous novelist and I'll have my own fashion line."

He has no worries at all when it comes to Brooke's career. In his head he can see her accomplish anything she sets her mind to, and he proudly adds; "But we'll still have time for a big family."

Her face turns surprised but also a little shy. "Two boys and a girl" she says softly. "And the first born is going to be named after Keith."

"We'll have to talk about that… I just want daughters, all of them just as beautiful as their mother."

They're both getting swept up in the fantasy, but in a way it feels so natural. Probably because all the late night talks they had when they were younger. Before Keith died and he pushed her away. And now, with a healthy assist from the champagne, it's like all their old plans keeps bubbling up to the surface.

"I'll coach little league..." he says and pulls Brooke closer to him. She snuggles into his side, kind of hiding from the late night's cool air.

"And I'll bake treats for the team. Well, I'll buy them anyway…"

At this he laughs loudly, realizing that she still hasn't learnt how to cook.

"We can spend summers at our beach house..."

"Yeah, and winters in the South of France."

"It won't matter where we are as long as we're together…"

He hears how cheesy the last line is, but in the heat of the moment it just feels true. Brooke has always got him to forget everything but her. 'Just look at tonight', he thinks.

The driver chuckles in the front-seat and the fatherly smile that covers his face reminds him of Whitey's.

"That's the key" the old man says warmly. "Success is wonderful. But finding someone to love. Having them love you back… That is what it's all about."

-

When the carriage finally let them off at the outskirts of the park his head is dizzy with tangled up emotions. They thank the driver and start to walk in the direction of Times Square and he holds Brooke's small hand in his. In the other hand he carries the bottle of left over champagne. If a police officer would pass them right now they would probably get arrested for drinking in public, but he doesn't care. And then Brooke interrupts his thoughts.

"I had fun tonight…" she says with a dreamy tone in her voice. "We should hang out more often."

Squeezing her hand he jokes back; "Well, we have to now, don't we? I mean, we _are_ engaged Brooke. I would like to see my fiancée now and again, even though she's in the middle of becoming a famous fashion-designer…"

For some reason he can't seem to say what he really wants to say. That he doesn't want this night to end. That he hasn't felt this happy or relaxed in a long time and that he has really missed her.

But she's still the Brooke he remembers, and even though it's probably also due to the alcohol, she still has no problem blurting out exactly what she thinks.

"I've missed you Luke."

She says it happily, not in a sad or emotional kind of way, and he raises the bottle to his lips and takes a couple of gulps of the fluid. Using the action as a reason not to have to answer, because it feels as if he does, he'll just end up saying too much, and he doesn't want to ruin this.

He probably needs to sober up. To get the thoughts in his head untangled. But instead he hands the bottle to the equally drunk and extremely beautiful brunette that now has her arm linked through his, and says: "Cheers! To almost being neighbors!"

-

The streets are still scattered with people and while walking through Greenwich Village he doesn't let go of her hand once. He talks now, and she listens as he tells her about transferring to NYC last year and hanging out here in Greenwich Village all the time those first months, just basking in all the literature history of the neighborhood.

They've stopped at an old stone house and he points up to a window on the third floor.

"Edgar Allen Poe used to live up there" he says.

"Not Steinbeck?"

She leans against the wall, probably a little dizzy from all the alcohol. And she quirks her eyebrow in that way that has always gotten to him. The way where she kind of tips her head a little over to the side and looks up at him with eyes that just pulls him in. And then comes that little rise of her perfectly shaped eyebrow that tells him she's amused by something he's just said. The quirk that makes his body tingle.

And the only word he has for her at this moment is… sexy.

"Did you know…" he says and brushes away some wisps of hair from her face, hearing his voice sinking into an almost whisper, "Did you know that this part of town has been home to some of the world's most famous writers?"

"Like who?"

Her voice has sunken too. Into that sultry seductive raspiness that still sends hot shivers down his spine. He feels wobbly as well now, but he's no longer sure if it's because of drinking all night or if_she_ is doing this to him. She, meaning Brooke Davis…

He supports himself by putting a hand against the wall, right to the side of her, and he ends up standing a lot closer to her than he has meant to.

"Oh like… Henry James or Edith Wharton. Mark Twain, Walt Whitman, Norman Rockwell and Jackson Pollock…"

While reciting the names he looks at her face. Her lips are a little parted and she unconsciously licks them and bites her lower lip. The movement makes his head spin.

"Wow… that's a lot…"

She whispers now and her hand plays with the fabric of his shirt.

"Yeah…"

And then he closes the gap between them and slowly captures her perfect lips with his. For a couple of seconds that well-known soft fullness moves against his mouth and his tongue tastes her. And it's the most breathtaking experience he's had in years.

He cups her face with his free hand and then slides his fingers down her cheek, along her neck and further down her collarbone, and just as he's about to pull her closer and pick up the pace of this tantalizing kiss, she pulls away. Pushes him backwards.

"No Luke…" she says and closes her eyes. "Don't…"

He squints and tries to collect himself but his mind refuses to co-operate.

"Why?" he asks, and she sighs.

"Because you're hurting Luke… You're in denial because Peyton just said "no" to your proposal. But kissing me will only make matters worse, trust me…"

Peyton.

He had totally forgotten about her. And it shocks him when he realizes that he actually hasn't thought about her in hours. The feeling of being empty and heartbroken had been completely pushed back in favor of the happiness he had felt over spending time with Brooke.

And even now, after Brooke has reminded him, he still can't stop longing for the feel of Brooke's lips on his again.

"Peyton has nothing to do with this…" he mumbles. "This is you and me Brooke."

It's the only way he can explain it. But at the same time he knows that she's right. He and Brooke have a lot of history, a lot of unfinished business, but that doesn't make this more right.

Then again, if it was wrong, then why the hell did it feel so good?

---

* * *

Author's note: That's all for the first chapter. Review and tell me what you thought. ;)

Love /Lynn


	2. Big Girls Don't Cry

Author's note: you guys rock for giving me so many reviews on a first chapter! And I have some personal thank you's but they're at the end. This chapter is a little shorter than usual in my stories, but from the next chapter on, we're back to my annoyingly long ones. Title and lyrics is from the song by 'Fergie'.  
Read and enjoy…

-

**CHAPTER 2 – Big Girls Don't Cry**

_The path that I'm walking  
I must go alone  
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown  
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they  
And I for seek the dark ahead if I stay_

_I hope you know, I hope you know  
That this has nothing to do with you  
It's personal, Myself and I  
We've got some straightening out to do…_

-

The sound of birds chirping awakes Brooke and she blinks against the morning light seeping in through the window. It's painful, and she quickly closes her eyes again in an attempt to make the sudden headache stop.

A phone rings and she pulls the covers over her head and tries to block out the sound as well as the light, at least until she realizes that it's not her own phone ringing. At this she peels the sheet off of her again and slowly turns her head, careful not to make the headache worse.

And there he is, just centimeters from her face.

Lucas.

Lucas Eugene Scott. The only boy she had ever given her heart to fully, and the one that had left it broken in a million pieces.

His face is so close to hers and at first she honestly can't figure out what he's doing there. He moves in his sleep and as his leg grazes hers she realizes that they're not wearing any clothes.

"Oh, fuck…" she mumbles, and his eyes open. He looks startled at first but then he smiles.

"Hi…"

His voice is deep and still a little raspy from sleep, and she tries her hardest to wrap her mind around what the hell is going on.

"We slept together, didn't we?"

And just as she says the words out loud, a slideshow of images and sounds start playing in her head. An array of tangled limbs, skin against skin. Her fingers grabbing his blond hair. Moans, tastes… And then his voice;

_I need you Brooke… God, I need you so much…_

She shuts her eyes tightly and shakes her head before he has a chance to answer.

"No! Don't tell me. I don't want to know. I'm still drunk and this is just a bad dream…"

Lucas stays silent but she can hear him breathing, and then she feels his hand on her thigh. On her still _naked_ thigh.

"Before you freak out…" he says softly, "remember that we both really wanted this."

She keeps her eyes closed and his hand on her skin sends shivers down her spine. Shivers that she really tries to block out, because she has to hold on to the notion that this is wrong. She couldn't have wanted this, right? And if she did, then it was just because she had been ridiculously drunk.

She can't even remember how they got here. All she remembers after he initially kissed her up against that wall in Greenwich Village is that she pushed him away and that he kissed her again. Again. …And_again_.

The slideshow in her head is back, this time with memories of his lips on hers, her hands undressing him, his tongue trailing her skin…

"Why couldn't you have listened to me last night when I told you that this was wrong? We can't undo this now! You do understand that, huh Luke?"

She opens her eyes again and stares at him. He looks sleepy still, with his blond hair sticking every other way, and he frowns a little.

"In that case, why couldn't you listen to yourself? Your selfcontrol must be next to non-existing, or maybe I'm just too hot to turn down?"

His voice bares the characteristics of underlying sarcasm as if he's trying to make the point that he didn't exactly force her to sleep with him. And she knows this already, because as the memories from last night come back more and more, she knows that she had been just as eager as him.

The way she had clung to him, craving every single touch or kiss. Or the way she had sex with him against the wall in the hallway, before they even got to the bedroom…

She closes her eyes again and sighs.

"Don't you realize how bad this is?"

"No I don't" he answers, now with the sarcasm long gone. "I wanted to be with you Brooke. And I don't regret it. I _still_ want to be with you…"

She huffs and moves away from him, suddenly feeling angry. And as she gets off the bed and stands up she doesn't even care that she's naked.

"You want to _be_ with me?! You freaking proposed to my best friend yesterday Lucas! And don't tell me she said no because it doesn't matter! You WANTED to _marry_ her for Christ sake!"

"But…"

"No buts! God, how could I do this?"

She paces back and forth in her living room and she can feel his eyes following her every movement. He hasn't seen her this upset since high school, or maybe not even then, and she can tell it's making him nervous.

'Serves him well', she thinks and throws on a t-shirt so that he'll stop staring.

The hang-over from all the champagne they had been drinking last night is not helping her think at all. How the hell could she have let her self get into this situation? She was over Lucas Scott, and she had been over him for a long time. And on top of this she knows that what she really should be doing right now is be on the phone with Peyton, comforting her on her break-up with Lucas. Not stand in her bedroom with said boy, still naked after having had sex with him.

Finally she hears him rise from the bed and she's just about to turn and yell at him again when she feels his arms wrap around her.

"Calm down, Brooke" he says slowly, and for the love of god she can't understand how he can be so unfazed with what they had done.

"I am calm!" she snaps and looks at him.

His eyes seem to try and read her mind and it scares her. She doesn't want to acknowledge the ongoing internal war she suffers as he holds her, and she certainly doesn't want him to see it either. She wants to be strong and morally correct and push him away from her.

She wants to tell him that what they did was horrible and that it'll never happen again.

But she also wants to kiss him. Badly.

"Let me go…" she mumbles. "We made a mistake and… and you're not helping."

"You didn't do anything wrong. And neither did I. Peyton and I broke up, and after last night I really believe that maybe it was a good thing…"

He pauses, seeking her eyes out until she has to look at him, and she feels herself getting lost in the pools of familiar sky-colored blue. Then he mumbles; "…because I don't feel like this when I'm with her…"

She draws in a deep breath and the anger inside her mixes with heartbreak. This is exactly why she has kept her heart away from him for over two years. Because he can break it with just a couple of words.

"You didn't feel like this when you were with me either, remember? You picked her. Now stick with it. I won't be second to no one."

Her voice is low but she keeps it as emotionless as she can. And he instantly stiffens.

"You've_never_ been second Brooke. You've always been first… but you dumped me. Do _you_ remember _that_?

"Yes!" she yells now, ripping herself out of his hold. "I dumped you because of Peyton. Because she loved you and you had always wanted her. But this is more than that Lucas! I'm NOT going to be your girl on the side. I've been cheated on and I now how it feels. I'm not doing that to her! And you owe her more than this!"

His mouth is open and he looks lost. He starts to say something but she suddenly feels like she had enough. As if she's just fed up with all of this. And when he once again says; "But Brooke…" she just yells out in frustration and stomps out of the room.

She can't listen to him anymore, can't think clearly while he looks at her with those blue eyes and while he keeps saying all the things she deep down wants to hear. So she locks herself into the bathroom and strips of the big t-shirt before turning on the water. Outside the closed door she hears Lucas calling her, but she steps in under the hot streams.

And as the water wets her body she slowly calms down.

-

He's still there when she gets out of shower and the last of the earlier anger disappears when she sees his sad expression.

He sitting in the kitchen, still looking a little lost, and when she clears her throat he quickly looks up.

"What are you still doing here?" she asks, but her voice is now soft. "Why don't you just go home to Peyton, Lucas?"

He doesn't answer. Instead he reaches for her hand and pulls her towards him until she's standing right beside him where he sits on the kitchen chair.

"Did you really mean what you said Brooke?" he almost whispers.

"About what?"

He's a little too close for comfort and she wants to run her fingers through his hair and kiss his perfect lips. But she doesn't.

"About forgetting about this…about us. Pretending that it never happened. I mean, I'm not sure I can do that."

She settles for touching his cheek. The skin is soft but his jaw is lined with a slight stubble.

"Let's make some breakfast and talk this through" she offers and lets her hand fall back down to her side. It has to be over sometime. And she can't keep hiding from her feelings for Lucas, but she can't keep pining for him either. Lucas belongs to Peyton and she needs to accept that, needs to manage on her own. Because living in the same city as the two blondes would be hell if she doesn't.

As she takes down the frying pan from the cupboard and proceeds to take out eggs and bacon from the fridge, she can almost feel her heart closing up. And by the time Lucas stands up and walks over to help her, she has made her decision.

She's not going to do to Peyton what Peyton did to her. She's going to let Lucas go, just like in high school, and she's going to keep being single for a while. If he meant what he said about really wanting to be with her and not Peyton, it would prove itself after a while. And maybe then they could try. But right now she needs pursuit other things.

"But Brooke…" he whispers and wraps his arms around her from the back. "We're good together…"

"We are" she mumbles back and cherishes the feel of his embrace, but then she gently peels his arms away and cracks a couple of the eggs against the side of the pan. She's glad she still has her back turned towards him because then she lies, and the lie breaks her heart more than anything else. "But I need to be on my own Lucas. It has nothing to do with you. I just need to concentrate on school and on the company… I don't want to have a relationship with you."

The eggs sizzle and she grabs some strips of bacon as well. "I think you need some time to think things over Luke. Last night was a one-time thing and it needs to stay that way, okay? You're rebounding and I have too much going on in my own life to be that girl for you…"

He sighs and the sound is hollow. It's the sound of defeat.

"At least tell me we'll be friends?" he mumbles. "Tell me we'll see each other."

She still has her back towards him and she swallows while squeezing her eyes shut to keep the tears from welling over. And she concentrates to keep her voice soft and 'normal'.

"Of course Broody. We'll be friends. I promise…"

---

A couple of hours later Lucas has left and Brooke is lying on the couch eating ice cream. Still hung-over, still equally tired, but now when she's alone she also allows herself to be sad. And when Rachel walks in through the door she pulls the blanket over her head, in an attempt to show the redhead that she does NOT want to talk.

Rachel takes a better grip of her bags and passing her on her way into her bedroom she nonchalantly states;

"You might as well take that blanket off again. I heard you pathetic sobbing all the way out in the stairway".

Brooke sighs and unwillingly pushes the fabric back down. If she and Rachel were normal friends, then this would be when she said 'welcome home' to her roommate. When she asked her how her weekend trip to see her parents had been or if she'd had fun. But she and Rachel have known each other for about three and a half years now, and even though the redhead is truly her best friend, she is still aware that their friendship is nowhere close to being normal. When hanging out they had simply never been the girly, mushy type.

So instead she wipes her tears with the back of her hand and catches the wrapped up gift that Rachel throws her, before saying;

"They seem to have fed you well… Gained a couple of pounds, huh?"

Rachel mumbles something that resembles of a 'fuck off' but Brooke sees that she's holding back a smile, and after putting her luggage away, her friend comes back and sits down beside her on the couch.

"Aren't you gonna open that?"

However sad she is, presents always gets her giddy and she happily rips of the paper from the gift. Inside is a beautiful Balenciaga handbag.

"Rachel!" she shrieks and throws her arms around her friend. "You got me the Python evening purse?! Do you know how long I've looked for this?"

Her friend smiles. "Yeah, let's just say I grew tired of hearing you whine about not having it."

They small-talk for a while and she admires her gift some more, but finally Rachel seems to decide that enough is enough.

"Okay, I know we don't usually do the girltalk-thing, with PJ's and hugging and everything" she says and wraps her arm around Brooke's shoulders. "But can you seriously just tell me what the hell happened when I was gone? When I left, you were just as annoyingly happy as usual, and I come back to you being a pathetically crying mess…"

Brooke just huffs in response but her nervous fiddling with the straps on the handbag makes Rachel gasp in a shocked way.

Damn it. She should have known that Rachel would see right through her.

"What?" she whines, and the redhead shakes her head disbelievingly.

"You went to the bookrelease-party? Damn it, Brooke! I told you it was a bad idea."

"I just went there as a friend. This was a huge day for him Rach, and I just wanted to be there you know… And he had no one there. Nathan and Haley couldn't make it and Karen had to stay home with Lily and…"

Rachel raises an eyebrow.

"And Peyton?"

She looks down on the purse in her lap again and bites her lip. Unsure if she should tell Rachel about Lucas' proposing to Peyton or not. Peyton hadn't been to see them in a while but when she came to stay a couple of months ago, she and Lucas had been very much together. And even though Rachel has never been a fan of Peyton, she can feel the looks Rachel is giving her. So for now she decides against it, and instead she just says;

"She wasn't there. They broke up."

"When?"

"The day before yesterday…"

Now Rachel lets out a dry chuckle and rolls her eyes.

"And that's why you're crying? Because he charmed you once again, and now they're back together?" She sighs tiredly. "I don't get why you still love that guy. He's not worth it Brookie. Besides, now, after Peyton has had him, he's just sloppy seconds anyway"

"I don't _love_ him" she mumbles. "But I accidentally… ehm… well…"

"Oh no you didn't!"

Now she nods. Blushing, because she is more than aware that she has made a huge mistake.

"Yeah, well… actually I did…"

Rachel lets out a loud sound of frustration and rips the handbag out of her grip.

"You so do _not_ deserve this anymore! Now, you tell me the whole story, and you don't leave out one tiny little detail…"

Brooke just glares at her friend, hands now empty of the just received gift. "I'm not gonna give you details Rachel! This is bad enough without you giving me snide remarks about if Lucas was good or bad in bed. And for your information; I was really drunk. My judgment was severely impaired."

"You've already used that excuse... You know, you said that the last time you slept with Peyton's boyfriend right after she broke up with him, remember?"

Rachel laughs but Brooke can't see the fun in this situation. Nathan had absolutely nothing to do with this at all. Jutting out her jaw stubbornly and crossing her arms over her chest, she retorts;

"Well, at least both times I waited till they were actually broken up."

"That's true, although I don't really think Peyton would see it that way. And I'm not judging you girlie, I'm just being honest. This IS the second time you sleep with a guy Peyton just dumped. But that doesn't mean I think it's wrong. Now tell me details and I might give you the Balenciaga back."

And then, before Brooke even has the time to start talking, Rachel huffs;

"God, I really can't leave you alone for a single day…"

---

* * *

**Author's note**: So how was that:) As I said before, this will be for s5 what GBTRD is for s4, so be prepared for a long ride. 

**Thank You's**:Casey and Cami. You girls rock. This story wouldn't have been started without the two of you. Cami, we came up with such a great idea that night and I only hope I'll make it justice. Casey, you'll always be my 'go to-girl', you know that, right? LOL

Britt, Era, Loes, Daniel, Chelsea, Vicky, Ali, Jess and Sophia :hug: Thank you all so much for still sticking with my stories!! You guys just equal LOVE.

Salma, LOL I think that you thought that you were reviewing another story, because there is no Ryan in this story and I don't think I said anything about Peyton being okay with things… But Casey brought to my attention that there is another story with the same name on the site so I guess that's the reason for the confusion.

Whiters, Tripanfallbri, Brucas2006, awhero and ALL you others. Huge thank you. I would be so happy if you continued reading this… :)

Lastly; To my precious, precious Michaela :hug: I love you, you know that right?


	3. Lets Pretend We're Fine

**Author's note: **It's been two pretty short chapters, at least compared to what I usually write. But this one is more my usual length. There are thank you's at the end but you all are probably tired of those by now LOL. It's just my usual babble…

The title and lyrics are from a great song by Plain White T's. Now, on with the chapter…

* * *

**-**  
**CHAPTER 3 – Lets Pretend We're Fine  
****-**

_If you really got to know, I'm not doing so good  
Turned out to hurt more than I thought it would_

_Cause I just can't handle losing you again  
But the last thing I want is to just be your friend  
Been through this same thing time and time again  
Let's pretend…_

_- _

There are things Lucas doesn't understand.

Like for example he can't understand why he can't seem to stop seeing Brooke everywhere he goes. He spots the brunette in bars and malls, in the middle of a busy street or in the line to the ATM. But every time he stops her, the girl that turns around is always someone else.

Lately, smells and places and songs on the radio remind him of nothing else but her. She fills his head all around the clock, and he can't understand why. He had thought he was over Brooke. He had thought that the two and a half years mostly spent apart from her had been enough to wipe clean of the teenage love he had for her in high school. But obviously he had been wrong, because now, whenever he thought about her, he felt like he was eighteen all over again.

So one Friday, about three weeks after his book release-party, he calls her up and simply asks her if she wants to hang out. Just for lunch or a beer after work. She sounds hesitant and he reminds her.

"You said we were gonna be friends Brooke. You said that we weren't going to lose contact again, remember?"

There is a pause as if she's contemplating it at first, but then she says;

"I'm free for lunch right now. How about we meet up at Pronto in thirty minutes?"

It's across town but he doesn't care. He just wants to see her. Hear her laugh and talk to her about her life. Tell her the stupid joke he heard on the subway this morning. So he happily accepts and tells her that he'll be there, already tossing off his sweat drenched t-shirt and putting one foot into the shower. And when he hangs up the water is already running.

Twenty minutes later he gets out of his car outside of the restaurant she picked. It's a small Italian place, about the size of his mom's café, and he walks inside. The atmosphere is warm and cosy and he looks around even though he knows he's early. She's not there yet, but he's been prepared for that. Brooke Penelope Davis is always late. Always has been.

He thinks back on all the times he had waited for her back when they dated. And not once had she seemed sorry when she finally graced him with her presence. Usually she didn't even say sorry for being late. She simply kissed him and fluttered her long eyelashes, smiled until her dimples brought out a smile on his own face. If he remembers correctly she never failed either.

"Table for one?"

"Huh?"

He looks up and sees a curvy blonde in waitress clothes smiling at him. And he smiles back.

"No, for two. I'm waiting for someone."

She guides him over to a table by the window and hands him a menu. And as he sits down he looks around. There are a few couples scattered in there but its after lunch hour so it's more than half empty. He can see the waitress serving a group of guys in the back, a loud group of guys in suits, and although they remind him nothing of the guys from the Rivercourt, the sight still makes him miss Nathan, Mouth, Skills and the others. Transferring to New York had been a hard decision for him after spending his first year and a half with his mother and sister, Nathan, Haley and James. But when NYU offered him the writer's scholarship he couldn't refuse.

Peyton was still in Los Angeles at that point, and he had struggled hard with getting their long distance relationship to work. Maybe that was why he had proposed to her three weeks ago? Because he felt her slipping away and because he felt a need to salvage what they had since he had invested so much into it…

The waitress-girl comes back and he orders a beer while he waits, to somehow still the nervousness he's feeling. When she brings it to him, she's still smiling.

"Waiting for a girl?" she asks as she puts the cold beer down in front of him. And he nods.

"First date?"

Now he laughs. "Hell no… we have… let's just say that we have a history…"

"You must have… I mean, you've been waiting for over thirty minutes and I'm not coming on to you or anything, but you're a hot guy… I bet you're not used to waiting."

Has it already been that long? He looks at his watch before looking back up at the girl who still looks curious. And for a second he contemplates telling her about his and Brooke's entire past, but then he realizes how weird that would seem. To just blurt out the entire story to a waitress he's never met before. And then the bell over the door sounds and he turns towards it.

Brooke saunters in trough the door, as if she has all the time in the world, and she looks around.

"Very pretty…" the teenaged waitress sighs. "You two look like a fairytale-couple… She looks like she's worth the wait…"

And as Brooke finally makes it over to him he thinks that the blonde waitress is a lot more right than she knows. Brooke was, is and would always be, worth the wait.

So why hadn't he waited for her in high school?

Not even he himself has the answer to that...

"Hi Luke."

Her voice is just like usual. Raspy, sensual and sweet. He gets up and hugs her, a little awkwardly since he doesn't know how to hold her after their latest 'meeting', but she wraps her arms around him as if nothing is different, and kisses his cheek.

"I see you've made yourself comfortable" she says smiling and nods towards his beer. Not a single word about her late entrance, just as back in the day, and he simply nods and places a chaste kiss on her forehead, suddenly realizing that keeping his promise to Brooke won't be as easy as he thought. She has just walked in through the door, but her scent and the feel of her in his arms already has all his senses on overdrive, making him want to stand like this for hours.

"I'm glad you came" he says smiling widely, before pulling out her chair.

"Me too. I'm starving."

She sits and asks the waitress for a glass of white wine. She even calls the girl by name, Charley, and it makes him laugh.

"How the hell can you always know everyone?" he asks and she shrugs.

"This place is five minutes from my campus. And my love for Italian food hasn't changed… Do the math Luke…"

When she says his name he shivers, and when she raises the glass and licks her lips before tasting the cold wine, all the tiny hairs on his neck lifts and he has to concentrate in order not to stare down her sweater's plunging neckline. This was certainly not going to be easy.

-

The food arrives and she's happy to have something to concentrate on other than his eyes and full lips. This time she's either drunk or upset and as he happily starts shoving Pasta Carbonara into his mouth, she takes her time to watch him.

His clothing style has changed thankfully. No more plaid shirts or weird camouflage jackets. No more long and greasy hair. Today he's wearing a pair of worn jeans and an ordinary white t-shirt and his hair is nice and short. Just the way she likes it. Or correction; just the way she _used_ to like it.

She distinctly remembers running her fingers through it, grabbing it desperately as his tongue travelled down towards…

No. She shakes her head a little and takes a big gulp of wine. She spears a shrimp on her fork and he orders a glass of water. He tells a joke and she laughs. Minutes pass with light conversation and everything is starting to feel normal.

Until he says;

"Do you want to go on a date with me?"

The wine gets stuck in her throat and she coughs.

"A date?"

"Yeah, not lunch as friends. A real date."

He blushes a little and it reminds her of the shy 'good-boy' he was when she first dated him. How he slightly blushed and looked away when she undressed in front of him in his truck. Or how she had ones been the first girl to be naked in his bed.

"I though we agreed…" she says and wipes her mouth with her napkin. "We said we would try and be friends and hang out casually, right?"

He nods, looking a bit guilty, and she puts the napkin down again. "Lucas, listen. We said we wouldn't talk about that night. I was being truthful when I said I'd missed you, but I was also very serious when I told you that you and I are not meant to be, okay?"

He nods again. Squirms a little in his seat. Drinks from his beer and then from his water.

"Are you sure?" he asks and now she's the one nodding.

"Yes."

-

She says it as if she's thought about it long and hard and he has no other option then to fall silent. The waitress clears their plates and as their coffee arrives she asks him about how the second book is coming along. He mechanically answers and then she tells him that Peyton has called her.

"I'm meeting her for dinner next week. Maybe we could all go?"

Her face is unreadable. He has no clue if she wants him to say yes or no. And he's feeling as if a dinner with both Brooke and Peyton could turn into a real nightmare.

He hasn't spoken to Peyton much since she turned him down. Not that they're fighting, but she had gone back to Los Angeles and they were both silently agreeing that it was better not to talk about why they had broken up. Although he knows that Peyton knows him, and he's sure that his curly blond ex would see how weird he's behaving around Brooke.

Brooke seems determined on not wanting to be with him again but he still hopes that she'll change her mind if he just sticks with this, therefore he doesn't want Peyton's interference.

"Are you sure that's so wise?" he asks a little hesitantly, and she grabs his hand in hers over the table and looks him straight into his eyes.

"I just want us to be able to meet up like real friends soon… grab a drink, talk about the past, laugh… Like they do in the movies."

She looks a little sad and he means it when he says; "I do too…"

Because just as before he thinks that being friends with her is better than nothing.

---

Another week goes by and when Thursday comes he's really beginning to regret that he promised Brooke to go on this little outing with her and Peyton.

He want's to see Brooke. Badly. But he's been on the phone with her several times these past seven days and he starts to get the feeling that she's arranging this night so that he and Peyton will get back together.

It's a good hearted purpose, sure. But he doesn't _want_ to get back with Peyton. What he wants is for Brooke to trust him enough to at least think about him as more than a friend.

"_You owe __it to both her and to yourself to give it a shot Lucas… You have a long history…" _

He had tried to explain to her that he had history with her as well but she always changed the subject. And now, while pulling a shirt over his head and buttoning his jeans, he almost hopes that Brooke would call and cancel.

But she doesn't.

And at a quarter to seven he steps into his car and drives out of his complex, down towards Tribeca and the restaurant Brooke has picked for this.

It's not an overly fancy place, more a family-friendly restaurant where they'll be able to talk and hang out, and he parks the car a little further down the block and walks the last hundred feet.

Not surprisingly Brooke isn't there yet. But Peyton is, and he walks over and greets her.

"Hey you…" she says in her almost southern accent and he awkwardly gives her a hug. Not awkwardly like with Brooke, because he doesn't want to let her go, but awkwardly as in not knowing if he should hug her at all.

"Hi Peyton, how are you?"

"I'm good. And you?"

The conversation, or maybe the lack of it, is stiff on a whole new level and he desperately looks around for a distraction. He honestly doesn't have anything to say to her.

And that's when Brooke steps in through the door. He turns his head and zones out on Peyton's talking, just watching Brooke walk towards then. She not dressed up, not like Peyton who's wearing a dress and heals. She has on skin-tight dark jeans and an ordinary white tank-top. A big leather handbag is hiked up on her shoulder and she carries a knitted cardigan in her other hand. And with the big dark sunglasses still covering her eyes, she looks like a movie-star trying to be anonymous.

"Peyton!" she shrieks and drops the bag on the floor before flinging her arms around the curly blonde next to him.

"Brooke!"

The girls hug happily and it reminds him of high school, before everything got so tangled up. Brooke looks ecstatic, practically bouncing up and down, and as she pushes the sunglasses up on her head, he starts wondering if the overly joyous greeting is because she's feeling guilty.

And he seems to have been right because when he says her name, she flinches and her eyes quickly meets his. She laughs a little awkwardly, but she still turns towards him. And for a quick second she hugs him too. He holds her a little longer than she's probably planned for and her body stiffens slightly, but when she pulls back and returns her attention to Peyton, her smile is intact.

"Let's get a table. I'm starving! Oh, and Peyt, tell me about the new tour. Is it true that you'll get to meet Dave Growl?"

Brooke talks fast and bubbly and with her arm linked trough Peyton's they walk off into the restaurant. Her bag is still on the floor beside him, probably forgotten, and he picks it up and follows them. And his smile grows wider. Because on top of all the girly things in her bag, like bodysplash, hairbrush and random make-up, is a book. His book.

-

About an hour passes. Conversation is light and a lot more easy flowing then she thought it would be. At least the conversation between herself and Peyton. Lucas mostly sits quiet, picks in his food and stares at her. And she silently curses herself for even asking him to come.

She had thought that her biggest worry tonight was the pain she would feel over watching him and Peyton trade loving glances over the table. But instead it seems to her as if he hardly wants to acknowledge that Peyton is there. She's tried countless times already to casually bring up the subject of marriage, just to test the waters and see how Peyton felt about the whole thing. Because over the phone when Brooke talked to her, Peyton had just avoided answering. She doesn't seem to have better luck with it now though, and Peyton seems a lot more interested in talking to her then she is talking to Lucas.

"So any cute boys in your life, B Davis?" Peyton asks and interrupts her thoughts. "Is there even time for a big love in your busy schedule?"

The guilt sneaks back in just by the mention of 'boys' and 'love' and she nervously clears her throat and looks down at the table's surface.

"Uhm… I have a lot going on right now. School is crazy and on top of that I'd say Rachel dates enough for the both of us…"

Peyton laughs.

"Yeah right Brooke. When have you ever gone more then a week without dating? Come on now, spill! Who's the lucky guy?"

Lucas' leg rubs against hers under the table and she flinches a little. Peyton looks at her curiously and she seriously thinks about lying. She hasn't as much as had a drink with a guy since she met Lucas at the book release party, much less slept with one. And since the blond guy, who's leg is still touching hers, is the last one she's kissed, it feels like Peyton will see right through her. So she blurts out a random boy from last year.

"Well, I've gone out with a guy from my business class a couple of times" she mumbles. "He's cute but I don't know…"

Lucas watches her over the table and his eyes are dark. "What's his name?" he asks, and she realizes that the question is the first few words he's said in last twenty minutes.

"Jeremy."

"Have you gone out with him lately?"

Actually Peyton is the one that saves her. Laughs and tells Lucas to stop sounding like a big brother. And Lucas goes back to picking in his food.

A couple of minutes later the curly blond gets up and excuses herself to go to the ladies room. And the moment she disappears Lucas leans over the table.

"So it's just _me_ that you can't date then?"

His voice isn't angry, more disappointed. "What is the difference? Is it that you feel guilty towards Peyton?" he continues. "Or is it simply that you don't have feelings for me?"

The restaurant is pretty much crowded and she looks around, feeling a bit paranoid.

"I've already told you why I don't want to date you. And we shouldn't talk about this now, we're here with Peyton."

"The when _can_ we talk about it? Huh?" he says and his hands swing out in a frustrated gesture. "You keep trying to push the subject towards me and Peyton. But can't you see that she's as over this as I am? We broke up Brooke! We broke up for a _reason_. And it was BEFORE you and I slept together!"

"Shut up Lucas. We'll talk about this later, but NOT now!"

He's creating a scene and Peyton can come back at any moment. She looks around and he keeps pushing so finally she hisses;

"If you don't shut up, I will leave. I mean it!"

She stands up and he does too, ready to grab her arm and stop her. But right then Peyton comes back to the table and she looks at them both curiously.

Lucas still looks at Brooke sternly and says;

"Brooke was just going to the ladies room."

"And what? You just stood up and pulled out her chair to be polite?" Peyton laughs. "God Lucas, you're such a perfect gentleman."

The laughter and the way the blonde unknowingly looks between them, makes her feel even more guilty and she mumbles an excuse and leaves for the restrooms in the back. And in there she leans against the cold wall and breathes. She's just standing there, trying to think of an excuse to be able to go home, when the door opens and Peyton steps inside.

"What's going on Brooke?" she says and gives her that knowing look she so often used back when they were younger. And suddenly she realizes what she has to do. She has to come right out and tell Peyton what she has done, because she can't lie her friend right up in her face. If she does she'll be just as bad as Peyton had been in high school.

"I slept with him…" she mumbles and prepares for the yelling that will surely come. "I slept with him over a month ago, and I'm sorry that I didn't tell you but…"

She trails off when she realizes that Peyton is laughing. "And that's why you're acting this stiff?" she chuckles. "Hun, it took me more than two weeks to call you and tell you that Lucas proposed to me and that we broke up the same day, so I can't really judge you, can I?

Peyton grabs her hand and starts pulling her back out into the restaurant.

"But Peyton…"

"No Brooke. Seriously, it's okay. We're not fifteen anymore and you don't have to tell me every little detail about your love life. This was just sex, right? Just as long as you tell me if you're getting serious about a guy, I'm good. I'm gonna need a little time to plan your bachelorette party. And I'm just so happy that we could all hang out tonight. If it wasn't for you, Lucas and I would just be sitting here quiet or end up fighting. He doesn't seem to understand why I don't want to marry him and he seems a lot less brooding when he's around you so…"

She lets Peyton babble on and she lets her pull her towards the table, but at the last words she just stops in her tracks and stares at her childhood friend. Peyton couldn't be serious. She makes it sound as if its okay for her and Lucas to screw around just as long as it makes Lucas less crushed about their break up.

"Peyton, I don't… Lucas might not…"

She stutters, without a clue how to tackle this. Guilt has been weighing down so heavily on her the last five weeks and now Peyton just turns everything upside down.

But Peyton just smiles again and hugs her sisterly.

"Don't worry B Davis. I won't tell."

"What?"

It's now official. She's totally lost. Tell who?

"I'm not gonna tell Lucas that you slept with Jeremy. Believe me, I'm totally aware of the weird jealous streak he gets around you. He's always been like that and I guess he always will. We'll just spare him the details…" She winks and links arms with her.

"Jeremy…"

Perplexed she realizes that Peyton has misunderstood the entire thing. Her ex-best friend believes that she has confessed to sleeping with her classmate from last year, when she has in fact tried to reveal her wrong doings on Lucas' book-release party. But it's as if Peyton isn't listening because her smile is still intact.

"Yeah, lets bring him next time. I really want to meet him."

Then, before she has the time to correct this entire mistake, Peyton goes back to the table and sits down next to Lucas, and she has no other option than to follow.

Lucas touches her arm lightly just after she's settled in her seat, and while Peyton looks at the dessert-menu, he mouths; "I'm sorry…"

She doesn't meet his eyes though. She can't. Her thoughts are a mess and she's still shocked that she had actually tried to come clean to Peyton. Because if she's honest to herself, then this means that she craves Lucas a lot more than she wants to admit.

But the problem is that with the way her confession had gone, it could also be a sign.

A sign that she should stay away from Lucas for the sake of her friendship with Peyton, and also for the sake of her own heart.

---

So it's back to phone calls and awkwardness.

The dinner had been a failure in all aspects. Because Brooke took off early, leaving him with a weird acting Peyton and a head full of confusion. And he knew that he crossed a line when jeopardizing Brooke's and Peyton's friendship, but jealousy had gotten the best of him. 'Jeremy' hadn't been a great topic for conversation and he had just acted like a child.

And because of this Brooke had pretty much kept away from him lately.

She called now and again. They met up for a quick coffee once. But other than that; nothing.

Tonight marked three weeks since that dinner with his two exes. And as he stands on the curb, freezing and waiting for a cab to take him home, he chuckles to himself over how pathetic he's being. He's been grabbing a couple of beers with a friend from college and all he's been able to think about all night is how much the sports bar they'd been in reminded him of the Blue Post, hence making him think about a certain girl more than what could ever be called healthy.

He's just about to give up and start walking when he hears a very familiar voice behind him.

"Broody?"

"Brooke?"

Of course the nick-name gives her away but her voice does just as much. He spins around and is met by the smiling faces of two girls. His stunning ex-girlfriend, with emerald green eyes and dimples as deep as the Grand Canyon. And next to her, a face he hasn't seen in three years, Brooke's redheaded and crazy friend, Rachel Gattina.

"My oh my, if it isn't Lucas Scott…" Rachel snickers and Brooke takes a step forward to hug him. He wraps his arms around her for a moment and over her shoulder his eyes meet Rachel's. She's watching him as if she can't decide on whether she likes him or not, and it instantly makes him a little uneasy. But Rachel had always been that way, making him think she secretly detests him.

They're both dressed up and he guesses that they're on their way to a club. They make a fabulous combination and passing guys literally stop and stare.

"You look nice" he offers to Brooke and she raises an eyebrow. He laughs but quickly corrects himself. "Sorry, you look amazing… and you too Rach. Where are you both going?"

"To a club-opening down town. You wanna come? It's just a regular night out…"

Brooke looks like she asks casually, a friend to another, and maybe it's the beer he's had that makes him nod.

"Sure, why not?"

She looks about as surprised as he's feeling. After the complete failure of their last triple-date with Peyton he had thought she wouldn't really be thrilled to hang out. And looking at Brooke's face, she seems to feel the same. But pleased she links her arm with his. Then she starts walking, telling him stories about a crazy frat-party that had been held at their campus, as if they're just a couple of old friends. He laughs at her animated story-telling, although he can't help but to feel jealous when thinking of a drunk Brooke in a room full of college guys.

Rachel walks at Brooke's other side, filling in bits and pieces of the story, and he just starting to get used to the feeling of being in their company when they arrive at their destination.

His jaw drops.

This was not what he had expected when they said 'regular night out'… This looked more like one of those celebrity parties he had seen on MTV.

"Hey Brooke…" he says and frowns. "Maybe we should head somewhere else… I don't think we'll get in here…"

But his brunette ex-girlfriend is already walking towards the entrance.

-

The club is dark and the music is blaring out of the speakers. It's five times as big as Tric, and for the millionth time lately he misses his hometown. Brooke on the other hand seems to fit in perfectly. She and Rachel had both been treated like royalty at door and the bouncer cut the crowd in half, offering all of them the red carpet without Brooke even having to wave.

A couple of drinks later he's now watching Brooke as she makes her way out on the dance floor. Her dress is short and formfitting and he has to shake his head to rid him of thoughts of her naked.

He's not even sure what he was thinking when he agreed to come here. Him and Brooke was probably a dangerous combo with alcohol involved, and with the addition of a nosy Rachel, things could definitely go very wrong.

But honestly he doesn't care. He needs some alone time with Brooke to say sorry for last time.

She's dancing now. Moving her body in a seductive way to the heavy beat. It's not really his type of music in this club, more of an up-beat RnB or Hiphop-DJ probably, but Brooke has always been able to move to anything. And even though he's pretty much sure that it is P Diddy that's blaring out of the soundsystem, he doesn't care. He just wants to watch her move like this the entire night.

Rachel dances beside her and the redhead says something to Brooke, making her look his way. And when she sees him staring she waves for him to come join them. He smiles and raises his beer towards them as if saying 'I'm just gonna finish this' and they go back to driving every guy in the club crazy with their movements. Every guy, including himself…

-

So the evening started out fun and relaxed. They had more drinks at the bar after the girls came back from the dance-floor and they kept trading fun stories. And for a while he was even starting to think that it might work out to be friends with Brooke.

But of course life isn't that easy.

Because now, at close to 2 am, Brooke has started acting strange and he's starting to get frustrated. On one hand she seems glad that he's there with her and she has spent the entire night not more than a few feet from him. But on the other hand she seems distant, and when he returns her looks or subconscious touches, she always finds excuses to move away from him or disappear to the bar or ladies room.

It's getting late, and they have all had a little too much to drink. And he should go home now, go home and shower and go to bed… and then spend the rest of the night awake, tossing and turning and aching for Brooke. But he can't seem to tear himself from her.

Rachel has found a guy in the bar and is chatting him up as if there wouldn't be a tomorrow. He watches the redhead with one eye and smiles, but when he feels a warm hand on his thigh; his attention is instantly drawn back to Brooke. She has placed herself in between him and the bar and she smiles seductively towards him.

She's flirting with him. Licking her bottom lip and circling the fabric of his jeans with lazy fingers. And for some reason it annoys him. She's been doing this the last hour, stringing him along and making him want to just push her up against the counter behind her and kiss her deep and hard.

"Brooke…" he starts, trying to get her to hear him over the loud music. "If you want to be friends and nothing else, then why are you being like this?"

He needs to know, since he wants nothing more then to get his hands tangled in her hair and attack her lips with his. And he needs to know because he's starting to think that Brooke pushing him away has more to do with her being scared than it has with her excuses of wanting to concentrate on school and work.

She bites her lip again, pulling him in with her eyes, and she moves in closer between his knees where he's sitting on the barstool. And god, she's beautiful. She's more than that, she's breathtaking.

With her lips so close to his earlobe that he shivers by her breath, she mumbles; "Maybe I want to go home with you…"

It's amazing how her body always forms itself after his. He remembers how he used to think about this while they dated in high school. About how she could arch her back in a way that made it possible for her to be completely pressed against him, without even wrapping her arms around him. She nibbles his ear slightly and he draws a deep breath.

"You wanna go home with me?"

"Yeah…"

Without even thinking his hands travel her body. One hand ends up on her ass while the other slowly caresses the side of her, just below her breast.

The little part of his brain that's still sober screams at him to question her agenda. To remember how it ended the last time when they where drunk and slept together, when she woke up and regretted the entire thing. And even though his entire body craves her so much that it's crazy, the tiny sober part finally wins.

"I don't want another drunken one-night Brooke" he says and pulls his head back a little so that her teeth lose contact with his ear. "I want more than that, and I don't want another morning like the one after my book-release…"

She instantly moves away as if she's been burned. But his arms are still around her and she doesn't get very far.

"I told you" he says and makes her look at him. "I want to _be_ with you, not just sleep with you."

She looks hurt. Hurt and confused and even slightly angry.

Her dark hair is falling into her eyes and he wants to reach out and fasten it behind her ear, but she'll probably just get annoyed by the gesture. Hurt Brooke _never_ wants to be 'taken care of', she wants to manage on her own. And just as he thinks that, he realizes that this is exactly why they have ended up in this situation. She feels she has to take care of herself because he has hurt her, badly. Probably so bad that she'll never trust him.

"I won't hurt you again, baby" he says just loud enough for her to hear. "I won't."

But Brooke just shakes her head in frustration. "Why do you have to make it all so damn complicated?" she lets out harshly. "I just want make out with you, maybe even have sex with you. I don't want to be your god damn girlfriend! I've tried that and look where the hell it got me!"

"So you're scared? Is that the thing?" he probes deeper. "You're scared that I wont love you enough, or that I'll change my mind again?"

Her mouth opens but she doesn't answer at first, so he says;

"Maybe you should try to put that behind you?"

But as soon as the words leave his mouth he sees that it was the wrong thing to say. She looks furious and the war is suddenly back on.

"Maybe_you_ shouldn't be so fucking big-headed! I already told you that there are things that are much more important to me than you. Tonight you're just an easy lay!"

Kick and push.

This time when she pushes back he lets her go. And when she grabs her purse and starts to leave he mutters; "Yeah, just do what you do best, why won't you."

She spins back around. "What did you just say to me?"

And he tiredly answers; "God forbid you would try and trust me, right? Why would you do that, when screwing me coldheartedly is so much easier?"

The slap he receives form her is so hard that it's actually heard even over the loud music, but before it has even started to sting, Brooke has left him alone. The bartender comes over and smirks at him.

"You must be a real idiot. Five minutes ago that hottie was all over you, and you manage to get it to end like that? Wow… are you gay, man?"

Rachel watches him from across the bar and she seems to agree.

And so does he. Wow.

One minute pass. Two. Two and a half. And then he's suddenly on his feet and rushing through the crowds of people in the same direction he's seen Brooke disappear. It's as if he's running on autopilot.

She has passed the entrance and is already out on the red carpet when he finally reaches her, and she's beautiful as a sunset even with the anger written all over her face. He grabs her arm and she pulls away, but he just grabs her again, pushing her back up against the closest wall. And then, in the midst of all the people entering and leaving the club, he crashes his lips on hers.

Her tongue meets his, slipping into his mouth, and his hand automatically goes straight into her chocolate brown curls. The setting around them disappears. Faces turning into a foggy haze before disappearing completely and he concentrates on nothing but the want and need to devour her completely.

Her neck, peach-soft against his lips, and then the feel of her body under his hands. Palm finding hot skin now that his hand is under her shirt, and as he licks her neck he hears her moan.

"_Why do you have to make it all so damn complicated?"_

In his head this isn't complicated at all. He wants her, wants to be near her. He might even still love her, and as her tongue battles with his he wonders if he ever stopped. _She_ is the one making this complicated, not him. And if sleeping with him is all she can offer at the moment, then he'll take that. He'll make good with that, because the other option, not being with her at all, is unthinkable.

"Miss Davis…"

Brooke reacts to the sound of her name and breaks the kiss. And suddenly the rest of the world comes into focus again. The entire line of people and all of the bouncers are watching them as if they had just had sex up against the wall to which Brooke is still leaning. And he realizes that most of the people are looking at Brooke more then they look at him, since her face is already a well known one to the fashion-victims of New York and to the social elite.

And then the voice again. "Miss Davis… I'm sorry to bother you…"

It's the valet-attendant. A young guy, blushing badly for having to disturb, and he can't help but glare at him.

"The… the cab you asked for… it's here now, Miss."

And with that Brooke seems to snap out of the daze she's been in and quickly ducks under his arm while mumbling "Thanks Andrew…"

He stands completely perplexed.

"Brooke, where are you going?"

She's walking towards the yellow cab and her back is turned towards him when she answers;

"I'm going home. I'm too sober for this now…"

The frustration resurfaces inside him once again and his voice gets a bit harsher when he says;

"How many times are we going to do this? I'm tired of this hit-and-run-thing with you! If you go now, I don't... I don't think I can handle seeing you again."

Even with her body facing the cab he can still make out her shaky intakes of breath. She looks over her shoulder and stares him directly in the eyes, and for a split second he wonders if she might be giving in. But when he notices a quick shadow of sadness creep onto her face, and when she disappointedly shakes her head, he knows that she's not.

Without a word she climbs into the cab and the car takes off, leaving him standing there alone. Once again, defeated.

-

_Put on our fake smiles and keep wasting our time  
Lets pretend that we are fine  
Go out in style and come home in denial  
Let's pretend we're fine_

----

It's been a week.

And it's been one of the busiest weeks in Brooke's life. It is as if everything is just going straight to hell right now and there's nothing she can do about it.

Schoolwork is piling up and since it's in the middle of fashion-week she has no time to catch up. Her mentor from the internship nags on her to work harder and faster with her designs while her teachers want her to work on the assignments. And in the middle of all this, Victoria's Secret has renewed her contract and wants her to deliver as soon as possible.

And as if all this isn't enough, Haley and Nathan is in town with James and wants her to hang out with them every free minute she has left.

She's tired, damn near exhausted, but she has missed Haley so much. And she doesn't see James half as much as she wants to. That was why she had spent the entire evening last night with them, instead of packing up her ready dresses for tonight's show. Which in turn led to her being up until a quarter past five in the morning.

Now she is trying to stay awake and to keep up in her business-class, and honestly she isn't doing a very good job with just two hours of sleep and no notes. It's just an hour until the rehearsals start on the runway, and she seriously needs to get going.

Her only problem is that her professor, Mr. Mathews, hates her.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket and she silently takes it out. Text-message from Haley.

_Hunnie, are you and Lucas fighting? He says he's not going to the show. _

She sighs and answers the text.

_That's his decision. He's mad at me. Are you and Nate staying for the dinner? _

She stuffs the phone back into the pocket of her jeans and taps the back of her pen lightly against the cover of her notebook. Lucas is another thing that's hogging too much of her energy. Since their night at the club-opening a week back she hasn't talked to him once. But she's thought about him constantly. Pondered his words to her, gone over and over the feeling of him touching her, even pulled out the old scrapbooks from high school.

She had probably driven Rachel insane with her pacing at night. And still she's no wiser than she had been a couple of days ago. She wishes that she could just turn off her brain, and make herself stop thinking about her blond ex-boyfriend. Because since this week seems to be never-ending she needs to save all the energy she can.

Another buzz in her pocket, and for the second time she retrieves the tiny cell phone. A quick glance at the display tells her that it's already 4pm, and it's now only 40 minutes left until catwalk-rehearsal starts. And she has at least half an hour in traffic to get to the location for the show.

With the phone hidden under her desk she opens the answer from Haley.

_Why are the two of you always making things so complicated? Of course we'll come to the dinner. Tonight's your night Tigger. Love / Haley_

Annoyed she shuts her cell with a loud snapping noise, making the guy next to her jump in his seat. _She_ is not making anything complicated. Lucas is the one that is doing that. _He_ had kissed her the night of his book-release. _He_ had told her he wanted to be more than friends. _He_ had gotten them into this situation, not her. _She_ hadn't asked for any of this.

"Sir, I need to leave…" she says and stands up, gathering her bag and books, but the professor just smirks.

"Sit your butt down Miss Davis. You need your attendance to pass this course. I don't treat _famous_ people different in my classroom."

"What? But professor Mathews, I have a catwalk show tonight… on fashion-week… this is what I've been working for…"

She can't help but glance at the big clock on the wall and of course her professor sees it. His smirk gets even wider and without answering her, he flips through the papers on his desk and when he finds the right one he holds it up for all fifty students to see.

"Is this yours?" he says mockingly and to her horror she recognizes her mid-term paper marked with a huge F.

Her face turns crimson red and she stares down into her lap. Why was it that when you thought life was at its crappiest, it always managed to get worse?

Professor Mathews looks satisfied.

"Well, I thought so… As I said, you need your attendance to pass. Now, where was I?"

-

She's late.

She should have been at the fashion-show twenty minutes ago and since traffic is a bitch she won't be there until at least in another fifteen minutes. The lecture had been longer than she thought it would be and as if being mocked by her teacher wasn't enough, now she was going to get yelled at by loads of people for missing the preparations and set-up.

She calls Rachel and squeezes the phone stuck between chin and shoulder before reaching into her purse to find her make-up bag.

"Hey slutty best friend" Rachel answers on the fourth signal. "Where are you? Mike is going a little nuts here…"

She sighs. Mike is always going 'a little nuts'.

"Professor Mathews hung me out in public, and now I'm stuck in this fucking traffic. But I'm up on H23 now so it's picking up."

At least now she can step on the gas, so while picking up her mascara she does just that, sliding her car into the left lane and pushing the speed some more. She can hear Rachel stifle a laugh and she knows what the redhead thinks. Why had she gone to a lecture when tonight was the biggest night so far in her almost 21 year old life? Who did that?

Apparently she did. And apparently she was paying for it now.

"Is Carrie there yet?" she asks and skillfully applies more black color to her lashes. "Did she bring all the right dresses?"

There's a lot of commotion in the background and Rachel has to speak louder when she answers.

"Yeah, she brought them. She forgot the shoes though so Melissa had to go pick them up but we've got it under control I think. Now, seriously Brooke, where have you been? And don't pull that lame excuse that you've been in school because I know that you hate to study. Maybe you have a secret _lover_?"

Rachel says the last few words in a joking tone and she huffs back, not really understanding how her redheaded friend can have the time to joke around when it's probably chaos around her. But she giggles. Her friend always gets her in a better mood when she's stressed out.

"Shut up you! When in the hell would I have time for that?"

With one eye on traffic she takes the lid off the eyeliner and readjusts the rearview mirror, and then she suddenly remembers.

"Oh, but as we're already on the topic of boys… Did your date with that guy from the gym go well? It totally did, right? Because I called you this morning and you weren't home…" She laughs and glances into the mirror to apply the black make-up under her eye. "You slept with him, didn't you?"

Rachel huffs as if she thinks the question is stupid and she laughs again. "Yeah, uhm my bad. Of course you did."

It's tricky to get the eyeliner straight and she can't be anything but grateful for all the practice she and Peyton had of putting on make-up while driving. In high school they had done this all the time when going straight from a basketball game to a party. Although back then she had been drunk half the times too. At least until she started up 'DW not I'.

"So was he good?" she asks and leans closer to the mirror and Rachel laughs.

"Should I even be telling you this now? Aren't you driving? I don't want you getting all hot and bothered and drive off the road or something, I mean since your not getting any action nowadays…"

"You're such a bitch Rach" she laughs and in the corner of her eye she finally sees the exit towards down town. "I could be getting a lot more then you and you know it!"

All the laughing makes her smudge the line she's just painted and she swears silently and looks down into the make-up bag in her lap to find a q-tip. There's a truck coming up on her right side but she's got space and she lets go of the steering wheel for a second to readjust the phone that's slowly slipping.

The truck honks and she lets out an annoyed sigh. "What?!" she yells even though she knows that the driver can't hear her. "I'm turning left for Christ sake!"

Her fingers finally find the q-tip and she takes one last look into the rearview to rub away the excessive eyeliner before turning. But the truck honks again. There's a sound of tires screeching. And then it all suddenly goes black.

--------

* * *

**Author's note**: Long chapter, right? You all know me, what can I say? Chapter four is finished in my laptop so as soon as I'm sure that you all have read this chapter, I will post the next one. And, for your information; this story has a lot of hidden clues for later. See if you can find them…

**Thank You's**:Michaela,Casey and Cami. Again I need you to know that this story comes along so nicely because of you girls. Sorry for my never ending whining and questions…

Cheyenne,Britt,Jules,Era,Emma,Daniel,Chelsea,Janie,Ebony,Vicky,Ali,Trish and Jess. Thanks for your ongoing support. I wish you knew how much it means.

Whiters,Tripanfallbri,Brucas2006,awhero,ariadnescurse,brucasforever77,flipflopgal,BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE,Dayzsollars,bornagainbrucasfan,mugette,Treenuh,Brucas90,broke.davis,komal,Brucas True Love,oth rox,audi,brucasbrathanbaleybrachel,B.P.Davis,othfan326,princetongirl; THANK YOU so freaking much that it's not even explainable LOL


	4. I Bruise Easily

**Author's note**: So the last chapter ended pretty dramatically. And here's the follow up.  
The awesome title and lyrics for this chapter is actually from a song by Natasha Bedingfield. Thank you's at the end. Now here we go…

* * *

**-**

**CHAPTER 4 – I Bruise Easily**

**-**

_My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been  
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing  
So I let down my guard, drop my defenses, down by my clothes  
I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow_

-

Lucas sighs and looks out the window on the falling rain outside. It's almost seven o'clock and he should be down town by now to attend Brooke's fashion show. But he's still at home, sitting in front of his computer wearing old sweatpants, and that is not about to change anytime soon.

He wants to, he just really can't.

Knowing Brooke, it hadn't been a very smart move to push an ultimatum on the brunette like he had done last week at the club-opening. She had never liked being told what to do, and he guesses that this hasn't changed. And since he still hasn't mustered up enough courage to call and apologize, then going to her fashion-show is pretty much out of the question.

He's disappointed because he has really looked forward to tonight. Haley, Nathan and James are in town just for this and even though he's been hanging out with them all day, it still feels a little 'cut off' to not be able to go with them to Brooke's event and celebration-dinner.

Instead he's home alone, bent over boring college homework. He had even asked Haley to leave James with him, but apparently Brooke had begged her and Nathan to bring her godson.

So after a boring dinner of micro-waved pizza he's now feeling sorry for himself. He has even thought about calling Peyton, since she isn't going to the show either, but then he remembers that the reason for this is that she wasn't coming back from LA until later tonight.

The TV is on behind him and he can hear the news-announcer talking about a big car-crash on H23 but he's moping enough even without watching the news. But then the summary of last night's Nicks game comes on and he turns to the screen. And that's how he's sitting when the phone starts ringing.

He's really not in the mood to answer it. Not being with his friends at Brooke's fashion-show is a good enough reason to be childish and just sulk. But seeing as it is Haley, he answers it anyway. It could be something with James.

"Hi Hales…" he says lazily and rests back in the chair, but he sits back up quickly when hearing the urgency in her voice.

"Luke? Where are you? You need to come down here!"

His friend is sobbing on the line and he frowns. "Slow down Haley. Come down where? What's going on, are you alright?"

It's hard to hear her clearly because there's a lot of commotion in the background, but when she says the next line it pierces through like knifes.

"There's been a car accident… It's Brooke… Lucas, it's really bad…"

She keeps talking but he barely hears the rest because he's already on his way out the door.

-

In the car on the way to the hospital he calls Haley back but she doesn't answer so he calls Nathan's cell phone instead. His brother picks up and his voice is laced with worry.

"What the hell's going on Nathan?" he asks and pushes the gas-pedal harder into the floor. "Is Brooke alright?!"

"I don't know man. They haven't been letting us see her yet. The paramedics say her car was rammed by a truck and that she hit the railing… they said it looked bad Luke…"

His heart feels like ice in his chest and he clutches the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles whiten.

"I'll be there in ten…"

And after seven minutes he runs down the halls of the hospital thinking that he's done this too many times. Not in this very hospital, but still. Nathan, his mom, Cooper… Nathan again. But he has never been as scared as he is now.

The nurses desk directs him to a room and he gets there without even realizing how. Haley meets him outside and she hugs him hard. He tries to get her to let him go so that he can go into the room but she holds him steady.

"Listen Lucas" she says and gets him to look at her. "You need to know that she's pretty banged up, okay?"

Tears glisten in his friend's brown eyes and he nods, not really understanding. It's as if his brain doesn't want to process all this information. And she silently lets him go.

He walks into the room slowly with Haley trailing his steps, and he's feeling as if he is walking around in a fake world where everything is unreal. It smells like chlorine and antibacterial substances and the strange beeping noises make him feel even more uneasy. He hates hospitals, always has and always will…

Nathan and Rachel is in the room, his brother sitting in a chair in the corner and the redhead standing by the window. And he gathers himself a few seconds before he finally musters up enough courage to look down at the girl lying in the hospital-bed.

Brooke.

The world stops for a moment. And as if he's outside his own body he hears himself draw a deep breath. Unconsciously his hand clasps over his mouth and when he finally breathes out again it almost sounds like a sob. Between his fingers he whispers; "God…"

Haley's hand is still on his arm but he shakes it off and walks closer to the bed. Brooke is motionless, and there are wires and tubes coming from everywhere. A bigger tube is jammed down her throat and the big machine on her right side seems to be breathing for her with wheezing sounds.

His chest feels too tight for his lungs and he gasps in order to get enough air. This couldn't be happening. He must be in the wrong room, or maybe they were all pulling a very cruel practical joke on him. Because Brooke looks more dead than alive, and for all the years he's known her she's hardly even suffered a cold. Brooke isn't supposed to be in the hospital. Not now and not like this…

He shuts his own eyes hard and tries to regain control of his emotions. And he suddenly sees her clearly in his mind. Younger and laughing, dressed in her cheer-uniform. They're in the high school gymnasium and he grabs her from behind, pulling her down onto his lap where he sits on the bench. She laughs louder when he tickles her neck with kisses and he holds her in a tight grip as she tries to wrestle herself away from him.

"_Hey watch it! I bruise easily…_

But it must have been a lie. Because up until today he had never seen a bruise or cut on her flawless skin, other then the black-eye Peyton had given her the night before their senior prom. Not even the slightest shade of purple on banged cheerleader-knees. The Brooke Davis he knows did _not_ bruise easily. That is why this scares him so much.

Because now her eyes are closed and her face is a bruised mess. The left side in various colors of purple, red and black, and the left eye is pretty much fused shut. Her right eyebrow is stitched up, seven stitches as far as he can see, and the little piece of naked skin that he can see around her collarbone and shoulder shows him that the bruises continue even below her neck.

The rest of her body is covered with a white blanket and he's thankful. If all of her body is in the same shape as her face, he doesn't want to know it.

"Haley…" he chokes out, slowly taking his hand off of his mouth. "Why isn't she awake?"

Haley comes closer again and her reassuring hand is back on his upper arm.

"She's really sick Lucas. She was unconscious when the ambulance got there and she hasn't woken up yet."

He had known on Haley's voice when she called him that this was serious. But he had stopped listening after hearing the words _'there was a car accident… Brooke is in the hospital.'_ Now he recalls Haley saying stuff like 'possible inner bleedings' and 'surgery' and he blows out air through his nose, trying to calm his racing heart, while hissing;

"Can someone please talk to me? I. Need. To. Know."

Total silence meets his demand and when someone finally answers, he is surprised to find it being Rachel. Her voice is mechanical when she recites back what the doctors have told them and not once do her eyes stray away from Brooke's face.

"She's critical… Severe concussion, dislocated jaw, three broken ribs. Her right knee is smashed but most of all, she's bleeding internally. So far no visible brain damage on the EEG's but she's in a medical induced coma. We're waiting for her last rounds of tests. If her spleen has ruptured they're bringing her up to surgery now, if not they're waiting until the morning…"

He watches Rachel's emotionless face, but it's clear to him that she hasn't been this cold the whole evening. Her eyes are red and she looks drained.

He looks back down at Brooke. And hypnotized he stares at her chest as it rises and falls, rises and falls.

"Would she breathe without that machine?" he asks, this time with much less harshness in his voice, and in the corner of his eye he sees Rachel flinch.

"I don't know…"

Nathan hasn't said a word yet and Haley stands silent beside him. They all seem to be in shock too and he reaches out to touch Brooke but is stopped by Haley's voice.

"Don't touch her!"

He recoils and turns to Haley. Sees her shoulders fall and her bottom lip trembling before the tears suddenly pour out of her brown eyes. "Don't touch her…" she whimpers, "she must be in so much pain…"

And then Nathan is up on his feet, wrapping his wife in his arms, soothing her with his calm whispers. "Everything will be okay Hales… it'll be okay…"

But Lucas meets the eyes of Rachel over the bed and he knows that the redhead agrees with him. It doesn't look at all as if everything would be okay.

-

It's been an hour since they took Brooke away for more x-rays and EEG's. He sits in the chair by the window, nursing a cup of coffee that Haley just brought him, and his cell phone buzzes silently in his jeans pocket.

He wriggles it out, reading 'Peyton' on the display and he pushes the button to answer.

"Where have you been?" he sighs. "I've been calling your cell for over three hours."

She stifles a sob on the other end and he realizes that she already knows.

"I just saw it on the news in the airport and then I called Haley and…" Her sobs get deeper. "Her car… Luke there's nothing left of her car… how can she even be alive?"

He doesn't want to say that she almost isn't. That every time someone as much as moves outside in the corridor he's sure that it's the doctor coming to tell him that Brooke is getting worse. But so far no word and he leans his head on the headrest.

"She's hanging in there…" he mumbles. "She's stable. For now…"

He listens to Peyton's crying for a while longer and tries to give her the little information he has about Brooke's injuries, but then Rachel comes back into the room and he wants to hear if there's been any news.

"I've got to go Peyt" he says, interrupting her in the middle of a sentence. "Are you coming down here?"

She clears her throat, trying effortlessly to stop crying, and answers; "I'm already on my way."

He hangs up and turns his eyes to Rachel over by the door. She's arranging a bouquet of flowers on a table and he really doesn't understand how she can be so calm. He guesses that she's breaking on the inside though, because from the few e-mails and phone calls he and Brooke shared over the years he has gotten the impression that the two girls are very close.

"They're bringing her back down in a couple of minutes" she mumbles quietly, not at all with the usual loud and cocky tone in her voice, and he sits up straight.

"What did the doctor say?"

"I didn't speak to him. The nurse in the reception told Nathan. Apparently she was tired of his nagging. She said that the doctor would come down here too in about fifteen minutes…"

She pushes her fiery red bangs away from her eyes and sighs, and he stands up. His legs are stiff and he shakes his feet a little to get the blood circulation going again.

"Are you okay Rachel?" he asks softly and walks over to her. "You've been here for what, seven hours? Have you eaten anything?"

She shakes her head. "I'm fine Lucas. I just need her to be okay. With the clothing company finally starting to kick off and… and the apartment… I can't do all this without her… I can't…"

Her shoulders slope and she takes a deep breath. He has never seen Rachel cry but she looks like she's about to start. Although the redhead breathes in and out slowly a couple of times before finishing her sentence and tears have yet to fall. "I _can't_ manage without her" she finally says. "I don't _want_ to manage without her…"

Tough as nails, he thinks. Just like Brooke.

And right then the orderly wheels the bed back into the room and both him and Rachel hold their breaths. His ex-girlfriend looks the same, lying under the white sheets. Her eyes are still closed and she's still bruised in a way he wishes he had never seen her.

Nathan and Haley come back shortly after that and they all talk silently until the door again slides open and a couple of doctors come into the room. A nurse politely asks him to get out of the way and he walks over to the window and stands beside Rachel instead.

Minutes pass while they check Brooke's vitals, take notes and go over her medical journal. And then the older one of the doctors looks up behind thick glasses, saying;

"Who is miss Davis' closest relative?"

No one answers at first, all of them thinking about all the complicated relationships residing in the room. It would probably be most logical for Peyton to answer since they had been like sisters for so long, but the curly blonde isn't here. Then again Nathan had known Brooke almost as long and he and Brooke were still close. He could answer himself, he wants to answer himself, but what would he say? 'I dated her three years ago…'

But then Rachel once again speaks up. And even though she lies, he's grateful.

"I'm her sister" she says and raises her chin a couple of centimeters, making her look proud over her statement.

"Well then maybe we could talk outside in the hallway?"

The doctor walks towards the door and he gives Rachel a begging look, pleading with her to let him come along. But the redhead stays put.

"Whatever it is you can say it in here" she mumbles and the doctor turns. "Everyone in here is her family."

The man clears his throat and looks around the room. And then he sighs.

"Miss Davis is in pretty bad shape. She has some pretty extensive internal bleeding and as I said before, right now we're mostly concerned about her spleen and right kidney. But the test showed a little detail that complicates matters…"

He interrupts the doctor in an attempt to urge him on.

"But she'll be okay, right? You can fix her, can't you?"

He hears the need in his own voice, the fear laced in it, and across the room he can see Haley watching him with a strange look on her face. She looks broken and drained by the last hours of pacing back and forth but there's also a slight curiosity over her features.

"As of now we'll just have to wait and see…"

He panics. What did the stupid doctor mean with 'wait and see'? Rachel's hand finds his and he squeezes it before saying;

"I had my spleen taken out and I'm fine. Can't you just operate on her or something? She can have one of my kidneys if that's the case…"

And now Nathan and Haley snap out of their daze. "Yeah, or mine!" Nathan says. "We all have two, right? She can have which ever fits the best."

But the doctor smiles sadly. "I bet miss Davis would be very touched to hear that, but that's not our main problem… I have to ask, is anyone of you Brooke's boyfriend?" He looks between Nathan and himself and Nathan quickly shakes his head. When the doctor looks over at him instead he takes a lot longer to answer, but finally he shakes his head, earning another strange glance from his sister-in-law.

"I see…" the doctor mumbles and looks back down into the medical journal. "Has anyone contacted her boyfriend? Is he coming here?"

They all shake their heads now and Rachel mumbles something about Brooke being single. The elderly doctor looks a little surprised and pushes his glasses up further on his nose.

"Well then" he says and coughs a little. "Was any of you aware that Miss Davis is pregnant?"

-

_I bruise easily, so be gentle when you handle me  
There's a mark you leave, like a love heart, carved on a tree  
I bruise easily, can't scratch the surface without moving me  
Underneath I bruise easily,_

_I bruise easily_

-

Brooke is pregnant.

The words of the doctor echoes inside his head over and over. His ex-girlfriend that he has obsessed about for weeks now, and that is currently lying unconscious and drugged in the hospital-bed beside him, is _pregnant_…

"How far along is she?" Haley carefully asks and the doctor flips over to a new page in the medical journal. And while watching the doctor look for the information, he feels like he's going to explode. Because it has just hit him that it could be his. The baby, or fetus or whatever it's called, could be his.

"_We need protection Luke… I'm not on the pill…"_

"_I'll stop in time… don't worry baby…"_

But he hadn't stopped in time. Two months ago he and Brooke had had very unprotected sex…

The doctors words drifts into his thoughts. And he hears the dialogue like in a dream. "I'd say about nine or teen weeks. We did an ultrasound but it's a little hard to tell since her abdomen is so swollen because of the bleeding. We'll know more after the surgery."

"The surgery? So you're opening her up anyways?"

"Yes. But to try and save the pregnancy we wont take out her spleen yet, we'll do a microscopic surgery and try to close up the tear on her kidney and hope that the spleen stops bleeding by itself."

He shivers at the thought of them cutting Brooke open, and Rachel's hand, that is still in his, clutches him harder.

"And then she'll wake up?" he asks breathlessly. "Then she'll be okay?"

The doctor half-smiles. "We hope so."

He looks down at Brooke and tries to stay calm. He wants to hit the doctor for being so vague but Brooke doesn't need for him to freak out and start crying or yelling at people. She needs him to stay collected, to watch out for her and to see to it that she gets the best care possible.

He tries to force the thoughts of a possible child out his head. It's all too much. And then the door bursts open and Peyton rushes into the room. She glances at Brooke in the bed and with tears streaming down her cheeks she runs over to him and throws her arms around his neck.

"Lucas…" she sobs. "What are we going to do?"

He stands motionless as she cries against his chest and he doesn't even lift his arms to wrap them around her. It feels so wrong. And then he takes a breath and determinedly peals her off of him again.

"I need to get out of here…" he gets out and pushes past both Peyton and Haley to get out of the room.

He can't breathe and it feels like he's about to throw up.

---

It feels like all of them are just pacing round the room uncomfortably. And he doesn't want the negative energy around Brooke. So an hour after midnight he sends Nathan and Haley home to James and after a lot of coaxing he manages to talk Rachel into getting some personal stuff for Brooke from their apartment.

Peyton stays the longest with him, mainly because he has no clue how to legalize his need for being alone with Brooke. They take turns sitting by her bedside, Peyton talking softly about old childhood memories and him just holding Brooke's hand, but at around five in the morning Peyton starts fidgeting and pacing back and forth. She's been going on and on about why Brooke didn't tell her she was pregnant, and at first he thinks that it's still what bothers her.

"What's the matter Peyt?" he asks and she keeps looking at the watch on her wrist.

"I have to be at Sony at eight o'clock… I'm supposed to meet Dave Groll from the Foo Fighters for that second 'Friends with Benefits'-album…"

So that wasn't it. It's only his own head that is still filled with thoughts about this surprise-pregnancy.

He focuses back on Brooke and the blinking numbers on her vitals monitor.

"Then go," he says. "I'll stay here. I would have stayed either way."

Peyton hesitates, and even though he doesn't see her face he can feel her eyes on him, watching him curiously.

He knows his blonde ex girlfriend more than well. They've been close friends for almost five years and dated two and a half out of those. And he knows that she hesitates because if the tables were turned Brooke would never have left Peyton's side. She hesitates because she knows that if Brooke had been aware of the fact that Peyton was about to go, she would have been okay with that, because out of all of them Peyton is the one that hates hospitals the most and Brooke knows it. Understands it.

But most of all Peyton hesitates because she wishes that Brooke and her were still as close as they had been back in high school, and her leaving, because of a work-related issue, just proves that they're not.

"Just go," he says again, and this time he keeps his voice lighter. He still cares for Peyton. Deeply. And he doesn't want her to be plagued by guilt, especially not since he _wants_ her to go. "The sooner you do, the sooner you can come back," he adds. "I'll call you if she wakes up or becomes worse, I promise."

Finally she seems to make a decision and she picks up her bag from the table. She walks over to the bed and awkwardly strokes Brooke over the hair.

"Wake up for me soon, okay B Davis?" she mumbles and for the millionth time he wants to cry. But there are no tears. Then Peyton hugs him and leaves and he goes back to staring at the little red and green digital markings on the display.

Right now it's the only thing he can do.

--

Sometime after Peyton left he must have fallen asleep. Because he wakes up by the sound of the rounds out in the corridor and he rubs the sleep out of his eyes. Rachel is back and she's curled up into the other chair. She's staring blankly out the window and that's when he realizes that Brooke's bed is gone.

"Where is she?" he blurts out in panic and Rachel flinches.

"God… just scare the hell out of me, will you? They took her to x-ray her knee. The doctor-guy said something about a having to do a bone-graft."

He breathes a little easier.

"When did you get back? Have I been asleep long?"

"Naw, I came in at about seven and the nurse said you had just fallen asleep. It's a little after nine now… so two hours?"

"Okay."

The coldness he's been feeling from Rachel is back. Last night she had kind of clung to him a little, probably feeling scared, but now she's looking at him just as she had a week ago in that club. As if he's not worthy to be around Brooke.

He tries to offer her a smile, but she just goes back to staring out the window and he gets out of the chair to get coffee, thinking that it's going to be a long day.

-

Rachel goes to work and Haley comes in. Then she goes to take James so that Nathan can come by. Nathan stays for an hour or so before he switches back with Haley and then Rachel comes back from work. It's all a constant loop and he's the only consistent element. Him and Brooke.

The next day pass in about the same way and when he comes back for his coffee-route Peyton is in the room. It's closer to seven o'clock and he's surprised to se her there.

"Hey Sawyer" he says and hugs her. "I didn't think I'd see you here tonight. Haley said you had a meeting."

"So?"

She seems annoyed for some reason and he shrugs in defense.

"Well, she thought it might be late and that you'd be too tired…"

This time she simply ignores him and he puts a hand on her arm. "Peyton, come on. What's the matter?"

"How come you're Brooke's knight in shining armor all of a sudden? She has Rachel and Haley and Nathan. She has _me_! You don't need to be here around the clock."He watches her tiredly. He's way too sleep deprived to engage in yet another fight with the blonde, but she's been on the warpath ever since she came by this afternoon. What ever he says she takes it the wrong way. And now he's too tired to make up excuses so he honestly says;"Maybe I don't have to be here, but I _want_to Peyt. I _need_to be here for my own sanity, because if something happens to her and I'm _not_ here..."If something happens to Brooke and he can't save her...

_"Sometimes I just wish you could save me, Luke."_

_"Save you from what, princess?"_

_"From all of it…"_

If it does, then he's not sure what he would do.Peyton sighs in frustration and rolls her eyes. "I thought we had talked about that hero-complex Lucas? This is not your responsibility. You can't save Brooke. That's the doctors job..."

"I know that!"

His voice comes out a lot harsher than he has meant for, and she flinches.

"I need Brooke too," she says quietly. "We all do. But you're here all the time and sometimes it feels like you just want her to yourself..."

"Don't be ridiculous."

She shakes her head. "I'm just telling you how I feel."

It's silent for a long time and eventually he stands up from his position in the chair next to Brooke's bed and stretches his arms over his head. Maybe she's right. Maybe he _is_hogging Brooke, leaving no room for her other friends. Haley had said something like that this morning too.

"So if I go home for a while, will you stay with her?" he mumbles and she nods. It's weird how distant they have become just in a matter of weeks. Three months ago he had really thought it would be them. That he would propose to Peyton, marry her and then start a family in the next couple of years. Boring maybe, and cowardly too, but at least that option would have been safe. A perfect ending to a relationship that really never had been more than that;

Safe.

She watches him leave and her green eyes, a shade lighter than Brooke's, look empty.He's just about to walk out the door when he hears her voice;

"Lucas..."

"Yeah?"

He turns and looks at her.

"Don't think that I said no to you because I never loved you. Lack of love was never the reason, okay?"

He nods mechanically. "Okay."

Then he leaves. She has probably expected him to respond with more than just that one word but he doesn't know what to say.

He can't really tell her that she probably did both him and herself a big favor by turning down his proposal.His heart aches in his chest as he walks down the corridor and out of the hospital, but not for Peyton and the failure of their relationship. It aches because he has to leave Brooke.

-

_Anyone who can touch you, can hurt you or heal you  
Anyone who can reach you, can love you or leave you…_

-

He gets home at eight and calls the ICU at nine. Peyton is still there, and everything's pretty much the same. Brooke is still unconscious and Peyton is still bitching. By ten when he calls, Rachel has arrived too. And natural would be that he'd ask to speak with the blonde when he calls, but he's had enough of talking with her today. So instead he asks the nurse about Brooke's status and then he asks her to get the redhead on the phone. He needs to know if Rachel will be there all night. Not that he'll be able to sleep even if she is, but at least this way he'd know that Brooke wasn't alone.

Rachel sounds tired when she answers and he feels for her. Haley has told him that Rachel is the one pulling all the weight with Clothes over Bro's and on top of that she's spending the most time in the hospital except for himself.

"How are you?" he asks, but she just lets the question slide.

"Lucas, can you come down here again?"

He looks at his watch, a quarter past ten, and he pulls a sweater over his head without letting the phone lose contact with his ear.

"Sure. Why? Is everything okay?"

The nurse had said that Brooke was still the same, no change. But Rachel sighs."Brooke's saturation keeps dipping and they keep telling me that it's normal. But what's really _normal_about any of this Luke? She's in a fucking coma..."

Frustration mixes with the tiredness in her voice and he knows how she feels."And her pulse-ox?" he asks. "Is it below the usual level?"

"Yeah, it's been dipping below the red line for half an hour now. I told the night-nurse but she said the doctor would look at it later..."

"Okay. Get that older doctor in there. He seems to listen. And I'll get there as soon as I can, okay?"

-

Three minutes later he's back in his car.

And while driving, he wonders why Peyton hadn't called him. Rachel doesn't have his number but Peyton most certainly does. He can't help but to feel disappointed. She knows how worried he is and maybe that's why she doesn't want to get him even more worked up, but for some reason that excuse doesn't make sense.

It all gets clearer when he steps back inside Brooke's room and finds Rachel alone at the brunette's bedside. Absentmindedly he asks where Peyton had gone and Rachel shrugs and just says; "She left."

So much for looking after Brooke while he was gone.

The machine still steadily wheezes with every one of Brooke's breaths but just as Rachel, he doesn't like the numbers appearing on the display. After almost forty-eight hours in the same spot, he knows that her oxygen markings should say 100 and not 92. And her pulse should most definitely be below 90, so why the hell was it suddenly 117?

"Did you find Dr. Hanson?" he asks and puts a hand on Brooke's forehead. She feels way too warm and her earlier pale face is now a little flustered.

"He's doing rounds."

Rachel's eyes follow his every movement and she continues; "She has a fever, right?"

Fever is _not_ good. Not when she's unconscious, and especially not when she has damages to her spleen. He knows this from experience. If Peyton hadn't gotten him to the hospital that day years ago he could have been in deep shit. But then again, if he hadn't been cheating on Brooke with same said blonde, he wouldn't have strained himself into getting a fever either…

"I think so" he mumbles back and reaches for the call-button. And that's when the alarm on the monitor goes off.

Within seconds the room is filled with people and both he and Rachel are pushed back against the side of the room. He tries to keep up with what the doctors are saying, but the medical terms confuse him and all he can focus on is the numbers indicating Brooke's pulse. 118. 122. 125.

One of the doctors pull up Brooke's hospital gown and he gasps when he sees the deep purple bruise covering half of her abdomen. The young doctor looks equally surprised and his command is sharp.

"Call surgery. Her spleen has ruptured. She's bleeding out…"

It all goes too fast. Rachel is back to grabbing his arm, cutting into the skin with her nails, but he can't even feel it. 'It's only fever', he wants to scream. 'Just give her antibiotics, it worked on me!' But no words come out and all he can do is watch as the quickly roll the bed out into the corridor.

For the first time, he has no strength left. He can't hold himself together or stay strong for Brooke. He can't save her.

And for the first time he cries.

--------

* * *

**Author's note**: Don't kill me! LOL Remember, this is a looong story. And with the awesome reviews you guys keep giving me I update like once a week ;)

BIG THANKS TO ALL OF YOU:

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	5. They'll Never Know

**Author's note: **So this story is progressing slowly but surely. And the way you guys are receiving it is just pure love. I guess you will all feel impatient at times by the slow tempo but it's all for a reason. The song and lyrics for this chapter is by Ross Copperman and it's an amazing song. Mentions at the end :D

* * *

**-**

**CHAPTER 5 – They'll Never Know**

**-**

_Hush, baby don't cry_

_Just get through this night_

_Overcome_

_Cause all that you are_

_is broken inside_

_But they'll never know…_

_They'll never know_

-

The five hours while they operated on Brooke was the worst he'd ever experienced by far. Just to sit in that waiting room, staring at the beige walls and not being able to do anything had him almost going mad, and if it hadn't been for the fact that Rachel needed him, he probably would have.

Because when Rachel fell asleep at around one, and he didn't have to hug her anymore, he had started pacing. And then he kept doing that until he had almost walked up a ditch in the floor. He walked and walked, all while thinking that he would have nothing left if Brooke didn't make it.

Nothing.

And then, at 3 am in the morning, a doctor finally stuck his head through the door and declared that Brooke was being wheeled up to recovery and that she was stable again. They had removed her spleen and it had gone as planned. Now they were back to the waiting-game.

He didn't sleep at all that night. Just kept pacing until they were let back into her room. After that he just sat silently and watched her. Rachel did the same, and although they didn't talk at all, he felt a strange connection to the redhead, as if they were the only ones in this ordeal that knew how it felt to have almost lost her.

In the morning everything kind of went back to 'normal'. Rachel went to school and Haley came, and after a while so did Peyton. Although when Peyton walked in, he didn't say a word to the curly blonde. In his head she had severely broken his trust by leaving Brooke alone.

Now, closer to two in the afternoon, Peyton had given up and gone home and he was left in the room with Haley.

The nurse had asked them if they wanted to help get Brooke cleaned up, and he had happily obliged, thinking that at least this meant that he would be able to do something for her. The only problem was that Haley seemed to disagree. Because even though he'd told the nurse_he_ would help wash Brooke, Haley now takes the small towel out of the bowl and twists out the excessive water.

"I've got it!" he snaps while reaching over and taking the wet cloth back from Haley's hand.

She gives him a hurt look. "You're not her boyfriend Luke… she might feel weird if she knew that you… isn't it better if I…"

She doesn't continue but he knows what's on her mind.

"Look Haley… I've seen her naked countless times…" he says, thinking that it has happened much more recently then Haley is aware of. "I didn't mean to snap at you, I just want to do something for her…"

Haley sighs, but she doesn't protest anymore and he wets the cloth in the warm water while Haley places a soft kiss on Brooke's forehead and then picks up her stuff.

"I have to go back to the hotel," she says and ruffles his hair when she passes him on her way to the door. "Nathan has a meeting with a coach and I have to take James… But promise to call if anything changes?"

He nods and waves with the wet rag in his hand and when she closes the door behind her he slowly starts to wash Brooke's skin. Right hand first before continuing up her arm. The cuts on her knuckles are slowly healing and most of her bruises have faded into a light purple, almost greenish color.

"See Pretty girl…" he whispers to her and smiles. "You're healing… Now please just open your eyes…"

He slides the hospital nightgown up over her stomach and cringes as he sees the white bandage covering her scar. 'So now none of us have a spleen', he thinks. 'Spleenless and broken hearted. How fitting.'

He carefully cleans her skin around the bandage and then strokes the skin of her flat belly. Just that it's not flat anymore. Maybe he's imagining things, but to him there's a tiny bulge, probably not even visible to people that didn't know Brooke. To people that didn't know that she always kept her tummy flat and toned and that didn't know that she was pregnant.

He touches it with his fingertips, thinking that there was still a slight possibility that the baby she carries isn't his, but deep down he knows. And it's so strange to him how the tiny fetus can be so strong. Still alive despite a car-crash and two invasive surgeries. Still there although it was against all odds and logic.

"The baby is a fighter, just like you Brooke…"

He moves up and strokes her cheek. He's been bargaining with God for three days, telling the man above that he needs Brooke to recover from this. 'She doesn't have to want to be with me', he had pleaded over and over, 'just make her wake up…'

Lately he has even added to his prayers that even though he wants this baby growing inside of her, it's not the most important thing. Because the most important thing is having Brooke safe. Although God, or who ever decided these things, didn't seem to be listening to him. And looking down on her beautiful face makes him decide to try a different path.

"Hey babygirl…" he says softly, brushing a strand of her dark hair away from her eyes. "If keeping this baby alive is what's draining you of all your energy, then don't… Let go of it Brooke…"

Her face is pale and he misses the sight of her dimples. He fastens the strand of hair behind her ear and kisses her forehead. At least they had taken the breathing-tube out now and with only the little nasal oxygen-tube he can almost pretend that she's only sleeping.

"We can make more babies, once you're well… But you have to wake up baby. Please…"

Tears well up in his eyes. He's so tired. Tired from the lack of sleeping while sitting at her side, and tired from the constant emotional roller-coaster he is experiencing. Tired of worrying about her and of fighting with Peyton. If he only had someone to talk to all this would seem easier, but he hasn't.

And that's when he hears the sound of someone stifling a cough and he turns to see Rachel standing behind him.

"I thought it was you…" she says and quirks one eyebrow at him before going over to Brooke's bedside. "But I wasn't sure."

She straightens the bed linens he's made a mess of and pulls the blankets up over Brooke again, silently saying; "Morning hoe…" But the girls usual fun banter only rings as sad in his ears without Brooke's happy voice answering 'hey slut' and he frowns.

"What do you mean 'you thought it was me'?" he asks and she looks at him again, this time as if she's annoyed by his stupidity.

"We can make _more_ babies? Come on Lucas, I'm not that dense, okay? As I said, I figured the baby was yours, but I wasn't sure…"

He stutters now, not sure how to answer her comment.

"Why… why would you think that… huh?"

"Because she told me she slept with you, you stupid moron. And au contraire to your beliefs I can count you know… It doesn't take a genius to figure it out. You slept together, what, two months ago? And the doctor counts from the last period, so that'd make it about ten weeks, which was also what he said, right?" She strokes Brooke's cheek affectionately. "But I'm seriously wondering what she thought about when going to bed with you. You must really be great in the sack since she continuously goes back to you even though you crush her every time."

He can feel his eyes fly between Brooke's face and the one of her redheaded friend. Brooke told Rachel? How much had she told? Had she told Rachel about the entire night and the morning too? Not just about the heated sex, but also about their conversation? But he can't read any information off of her face. Rachel looks cool calm and collected and simply cleans his old coffee-mug away from the bedside table while humming some RnB-tune.

He can't believe that she didn't confront him about this sooner. They had spent countless hours together in this room the last couple of days and yet she hadn't for one second showed him that she knew. He has a million questions but they can all wait. Because right now, even if he's a little annoyed at her, he's just so pleased to have a confidant.

"Where is Peyton by the way?" she then asks and he sighs. His blond ex-girlfriend is the last thing he wants to think about right now. Especially since he's still holding the hand of the girl who's probably carrying his child.

"She's at some meeting. She'll probably be here later…"

"Why isn't she living with you?"

Rachel eyes him curiously and he knows her well enough to know that she's playing with his mind. So he keeps his answer simple.

"We've broken up as you probably know. And there's no use for her being alone at my place since I mainly sleep here."

Even though he has tried to sound nonchalant his voice comes out sounding annoyed and she laughs while rolling her eyes in a mocking fashion towards him.

"If that's your story…" she says and pushes him away from the bed softly. "Now get out of here and let me finish this. I can't have you perving over her when she's unconscious. Besides, you need a shower… you smell like shit."

Then she picks up the damp cloth and continues what he has started, and as opposed to when Haley was here earlier, he doesn't protest. In a way he knows that they're both right. Yet he still mumbles;

"I'm not leaving. Just look at what happened the last time I did…"

"Come on Lucas. Stop being a big baby. Brooke's spleen rupturing had_nothing_ to do with the fact that you went home and got a change of clothes. You know that."

"So?"

"God…"

Rachel sighs and rolls her eyes, and he knows he's behaving childishly, but he seriously doesn't want to leave Brooke again.

"Listen Rach…" he says, still without moving from his position in the chair. "As you said, it might be _my_ baby in there… and it's my Brooke… I just need to make sure that she's okay."

"Did she tell you she was pregnant before the accident?"

The redhead looks at him and there is a slight shadow of hurt over her features, making him realize that Rachel hadn't known about the baby either. And if Rachel didn't know then neither did Brooke probably, because to him it seems as if the two girls shared everything.

He shakes his head and glances over at Brooke's face. If it weren't for the bruises she'd look almost angelic.

"Maybe she didn't know herself…" he mumbles and Rachel nods.

"I'm pretty sure she didn't. We went out drinking the night before the accident. She would never have done that if she'd known."

They're both silent for a while and then Rachel hands the rag back to him. With her signature smirk she says;

"Whatever. You can finish what you started. I'll just stay here and make sure you're staying PG13. I mean it's not like you haven't done this before…"

Smiling, he looks back at her. He's never really understood Rachel, and he still doesn't. But right here, as they stand next to Brooke's bed in this big New York-hospital, he decides that he really likes her. Mood-swings, inconsistent behavior, craziness and all. Because every time he sees her look at Brooke it's evident to him how much she cares.

"Nah… You're right. Brooke would probably slap the hell out of me," he says and winks at her playfully. "I'll just watch you do it. What could be better than a little girl-on-girl action?"

And for the first time in all this, they both actually laugh.

---

_Don't you cry tonight_

_Rest your weary eyes_

_Cuz all that you are_

_Is broken inside_

_It's nothing you could change_

_It's nothing you could hide_

It's about three in the afternoon and Lucas has spent most of his forth day by Brooke's side, talking on the phone with his mother. She had called a couple of times a day ever since the accident and even though he and his mom seldom did talk about Brooke during the last years, he realizes that she still looks at it as if Brooke is her daughter.

She worries of course, and in her voice is that same nervousness and overly cheery façade that she had used after his own accident or after his heart attack. She rambles about totally unnecessary things and asks questions like if someone had brought Brooke any pictures of her family, or if he had gotten the picture Lily had drawn for Brooke, in today's mail.

All the while he just wants to interrupt her and tell her that there's so much more to all this than she thinks. He wants to tell her that he knows now. That these last days have proved to him that what he felt that night after the book release was right.

He loves Brooke Davis. He's freaking _in love_ with her. Mind, body and soul.

He also wants to tell his mother that if his calculations are right, then there's a big chance that she'll be a grandmother soon.

But he can't tell her either of these things. Because he has to tell Brooke _first_.

So he hangs up with his mother, after having promised her to check again for the drawing, and then he leans in closer to Brooke.

"Hey sweetheart…" he whispers and sighs. "My mom says hi… She says she misses your laugh. And so do I, Cheery. I miss it so much…"

His hand unconsciously finds hers and he intertwines their fingers. "You have to stop this soon, you know… If you're trying to teach me a lesson, then believe me Brooke, lesson is learned…"

He rubs her palm with his thumb and thinks in silence for a couple of minutes. And then suddenly her fingers close around his. He flinches and stares at her hand where her fingers once again flex. Her grip around his hand holds no strength, but what he first thought was a muscle-twitch seems to be a conscious movement.

"Brooke" he tries softly, "Can you hear me?"

She moves a little again and his heart beats twice as fast in his chest.

"Pretty girl, please open your eyes for me."

By now he sits up straight as a board in his chair, all the sleepiness suddenly gone. And at first nothing happens, but then her eyelashes flutter slightly. At first just a little, but then it happens again and he holds her hand a little tighter.

"Come on Brooke…" he ushers, and then her eyes slowly opens, blinking frantically against the bright light.

He almost sighs out a; "Hey beautiful…" and she tries to clear her throat.

"Don't try and talk baby," he says softly and rubs her upper arm. She looks a little scared, having just woken up and probably still not knowing where she is. And he wants the alone-time with her but at the same time he's afraid that she's in pain and he reaches for the call-button with his free hand.

"You're in the hospital. Do you remember? You were in an accident on your way to the fashion-show."

Her hand is still clutching his and he wants to scoop her up in his arms and hold her tightly. Kiss away all the pain on her face and make her feel safe.

She clears her throat again and he grabs his own glass of water from her nightstand and feeds her some of it while supporting her neck.

"Lucas…" she gets out. "How did… the… show go?"

He smiles, and then he feels hot tears sliding down his cheeks.

She was going to be okay.

-

He's talking to her.

Lucas is talking and his voice is soft and safe and wonderful after what seems like the longest time of silence. And she smiles even though she doesn't really comprehend what he's saying.

She still feels dizzy and her eyelids are getting heavier and heavier. His gorgeous face is starting to lose focus around the edges and her foggy mind suddenly wraps around a feeling.

"I love you..." she whispers, before she even has the time to think about protecting her heart. She doesn't recognize her own voice either. It's a little slurry and a bit too slow. But it's as if the lingering drugs in her system forces honesty and she forms the words again, this time pronouncing them more clearly.

"I love you Lucas..."

His voice sounds distant when he answers, as if she's drifting away and he's staying behind."I love you too Brooke. So much..."And then the last thing she sees before her eyes finally fall shut again, is his big beautiful smile.

-

Her eyes close and he quickly looks at the monitor on her left. Steady pulse, good oxygen-levels, normal heart rate. He breathes out a little calmer when realizing that Brooke is only sleeping. Not unconscious, just probably very tired.

The nurse comes in and he looks up and offers her a tired smile.

"She was awake for a bit."

"Really? That's great. She's healing."

She busies herself with different tasks around the room. Opens the curtains, pours fresh water into the pitcher on the nightstand and checks Brooke's vitals.

"Miss Davis' mother called a while ago," she then says. "I told her that Brooke was still unconscious but maybe you should call her back and tell her that Brooke was awake for a while?"

He nods and rubs the palm of Brooke's hand with his thumb before standing up.

"Did she say if she would come to visit?"

"She said she'd come by later this week. Apparently she's in France at the moment."

He nods again and on the inside he's relieved. Brooke's neurotic mother is not a person he wants around at the moment. During all the years he's known Brooke, Victoria Davis has never showed any real care for her daughter, and if calling, almost a week after her only child had almost died in a car-crash, was the best she could do then the woman could stay in France for the rest of Brooke's life for all he cared.

"Well, tell me if she calls again" he says. "And could you call me on my cell phone if Brooke wakes up again? I'm just gonna go down to the cafeteria and get some food."

She smiles again.

"Sure. She's a lucky girl for having you around. Are you two married?"

At first he's about to be honest and tell her that he's not even Brooke's boyfriend, but then he finds himself saying;

"Not yet, but we will be. She just needs to get well first."

"Oh, that's right. You two are having a baby too. I can just picture the kid... With parents looking like the two of you, he or she will cute as a button. You must be so thankful that they both made it. ...I mean foetuses at this stage of development usually don't."

His heart aches at the though of the alternative, and even though it's mostly white lies he's feeding the nurse when not correcting her, it feels so good to pretend. Because he wants all that with Brooke. Marriage, the house, the baby she's carrying, even though there's a tiny chance that it isn't his. Maybe even a little puppy...

"I'm more than thankful..." he says silently. "If Brooke would have..."

His voice trails off and all that comes out is a sigh. The nurse pats his shoulder.

"But she didn't. It was critical there for a while and we were all a bit worried. But just the fact that she was awake today is such a good sign."

"I know..."

"Now go get that food. You're of no use to your future wife and child if you starve."

He smiles, and when he's about to open his mouth again to remind her, she interrupts him.

"_Yes_ Lucas. I _will_ call, I promise. Even if she so much as just blinks."

--

_Pink flowers and bows_

_That's all you should know_

_And summer days_

His phone starts ringing just as he rounds the corner to the ICU on his way back from the cafeteria. And instead of answering he quickly runs down the corridor and into Brooke's room.He's prepared for another disaster like her emergency spleen-removal, but instead he's met by Brooke's smiling face.

"Hi" she says and just the sight of her dimples makes him want to kiss her all over.

"Hi baby..."

He makes it over to her and sits down beside her and the nurse who's been in there silently leaves. Its dark outside now as its closer to nine o'clock in the evening, and the lamp on her bedside casts soft shadows on her face.

"...how do you feel?"

"I'm alright. How long was I asleep?"

She almost looks a bit shy, but she seems a lot more lucid now.

"A couple of hours. Are you in pain?"

He unconsciously rubs her arm and she shakes her head.

"Not really. Just a little in my chest and midsection. I guess I'm medicated, right?"

He frowns. Not sure what to tell her about all her injuries. He doesn't want to worry her, not when she's just woken up and still looks so fragile, but he also knows her and he's more than aware that she wants him to be honest.

"Well..." he starts, and she lifts her hand and puts it on his. "They sowed up a tear in your kidney, and they had to remove your spleen... but they say that the surgery went as planned and that you'll hardly notice it. Unless you..."

"Unless I get an infection or something? I know Luke. I read up on it when they took out yours, remember?"

She smiles tiredly and her voice still sounds unused. He just nods, still feeling emotional, and he's worried that if he talks his voice will crack

"How about my knee?" she asks and squeezes his hand a little. "Will it heal?"

"Your knee? Uhm..."

He swallows and looks at the open door, suddenly hoping that a nurse or a doctor will magically surface. He doesn't want to be the one to explain all these things to her. He doesn't want to be the one to remove the small smile that's finally on her face.

"Well, it'll probably require a lot of physical therapy but..."

She glances at the big bandage around her leg. "But no more cheerleading in my non-existing spare time, huh?"

She sounds like she's trying to make a joke, and she smiles, but he can tell she's worried.

"It could have been so much worse Brooke..." he whispers, and the crack in his voice appears, just as he's predicted it would. "They took a piece of your rib to put your knee-cap together, so the pain in your chest is probably from that surgery... other than that it's mostly just bruises and cuts."

_Other than that, you're just pregnant and I might be the father…_

"And my face?"

She asks it a little hesitantly while slowly touching her now just slightly bruised cheek with her fingers.

"Nothing that won't heal. Just a small scar on your right eyebrow. And your jaw was dislocated, but they fixed that the first night. I bet it's still sore though…"

"Yeah..."

She suddenly looks so small. And he wants to reach out and wrap her in his arms, but on the other hand he's afraid he'll hurt her. So he settles for stroking her over the hair and he blinks frantically a couple of times to keep threatening tears from appearing.

"There's something you're not telling me Luke…"

"What do you mean?"

_Do you mean other than our possible love-child? _

How can she know him so well, he thinks and squirms a little. He doesn't know if she's aware that there is a baby inside her that has survived more than it ever was though to survive. But something tells him that she doesn't know. To others Brooke might not come of as the person that would best suited for motherhood, but he knows that if she knew she carried a child, it would have been the first question to come off her lips, however the circumstances. She would want to know if the baby had made it.

"You're looking at me funny. And you have tears in your eyes Luke. It's not like you cry everyday… so what's the problem? I've already checked if I'm paralysed so it can't be that…"

He looks towards the door again, still hoping that someone will come save him. But no one does.

"Maybe you should rest a little Brooke. You shouldn't be straining yourself…"

He desperately wants keep this from her, at least for a while until she's stronger. Because she's in no shape to handle big news like this and he's afraid that she'll be upset since a baby is probably not on her wish-list. But when he doesn't answer, she tries to sit up and reach for the button to call the nurse. The small movement causes her to wince in pain and he quickly helps her to lie down again.

"Don't do that baby…"

His voice is begging, pleading. And she rests back on the pillows.

"Then tell me what's wrong."

He sighs. Sits back down and quickly looks at her heart rate on the screen before looking straight into her eyes.

"There's nothing wrong with you Brooke. There's just a little something the doctor discovered when he ran tests on you the first night. But I don't want you to get upset, okay?"

She nods and he takes a deep breath.

"You're two and a half months pregnant…"

-

She stares back at him. Lost for words and mind blank as an unused piece of paper.

Pregnant.

Preggers, with child, bun in the oven, knocked up…

It doesn't matter how she twists it, in her medicated cotton-like state, it's still equally impossible to grasp. And at the same time it's perfectly logical.

Suddenly she understands the immense tiredness she had felt the last couple of weeks, the sudden disgust for coffee that she otherwise lived on. The way her bra had been feeling too tight lately, and most of all, that she hadn't had her period since she couldn't even remember when.

And as she watches Lucas watch her, with so much worry in those deep blue eyes of his, she wishes that she wasn't still so dizzy and tired. She wants to be wide awake for this and be able to figure out how he feels about this news.

If he hates her. If he knows…

"I'm having a baby…" she says to try it out, and it's not until she sees the smile on his face that she realizes that she's said it out loud.

"Yes, you are…"

Unconsciously her hand travels to her midsection and she can feel the bandage from the surgery under her fingertips. She concentrates hard to get her mind to focus and connect the dots. Something feels weird about his statement.

"But how, Luke?" she mumbles and his face softens even more. And then his hand covers hers ever so carefully.

"No one understands it. It's a freaking miracle that it made it through the accident… but it did. It's in there, Brooke, growing as we speak…"

She's already feeling her eyelids get heavy and she tries with all her might to keep herself from falling asleep. But it's so hard.

-

"Can I keep it?" she mumbles, and a smile plays on her face even though her eyes are already closing.

"Of course," he whispers back. "Of course you can baby. And I'll be there with you, every step of the way."

His hand is still on top of hers, her fingers gently intertwined with his, and he leans in and kisses her forehead. She's sleeping again. But the smile doesn't leave her face. And he sits there, even though he's supposed to be calling all their friends and tell them that she is so much better. That's she's been awake and that she knows.

That she's keeping the baby.

And even though he still has Peyton's words fresh in mind;

"_I guess we should try to reach that guy Jeremy… He's probably the father…"_

Even so, he still feels the same. He's convinced, no, he's sure, that the baby inside Brooke is his.

He stays beside her for an hour more, just watching her and occasionally touching her hand or cheek. Then he finally picks up his phone and starts calling people with the news of Brooke's awakening.

And he starts with Rachel.

-

…_because all that you are_

_is broken inside._

_But they'll never know_

_They'll never know_

-

* * *

**Author's note**: End of chap 5. :D Chapter 6 is almost done so it won't be too long before the next update. But as usual a few thank you's are in order LOL. And not just a few… I'd probably have to write thousands and thousands of thank you's for you all to understand how happy all the reviews are making me. I have to do a special shout-out to Jules, Ellie and Bri for writing me those magnificent long reviews. I blushed! I swear, I seriously did…

**Thank You's**:

Casey

Michaela (mixs)

Cami

Cheyenne (jeytonbrucasnaley)

Emma (brucasnaleyjeyton)

Brittany (Broody-N-Cheery-4Ever)

Jules (JULESM24)

Vicky (Lucas4brooke4ever)

Ali (FinallyPJ)

Ebony (jc4127)

Chelsea (brucaschopia4ever)

Janie

Era

Bri (Tripnfallbri)

Ellie (Ellimo)

Trish (OTHbrucas4ever)

Carla (Aliky)

Whitney (whiters)

Rebecca (HarmonyLovely)

McKenna (broke.davis)

brucasbrathanbaleybrachel

Brucas True Love

othfan326

tigger167

ariadnescurse

brucas333

bella

brucasisl0ve3

treenuh

LiZ457

princetongirl

flipflopgal

awhero

salma

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ZakiaR

Kristine (B.P.Davis)

Onetreehillgirl066

toddntan

BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE

brucasfan79

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gfd

othrox

Melissa

Clare (MalibuBarbie253)

hiddenxtalent

Brucasgrl15


	6. It Can't Be Over

**Author's note**: I'm not gonna ramble; I just wanna say to Daniel, Hannie, Ellie, Bri, Nora and Jules, that if you keep writing me long reviews like that I'm gonna keep writing this forever! LOL. And Jess; HAPPY BIRTHDAY! More thank you's at the end.

The title and lyrics of this chapter is from the song 'It's not over' by Secondhand Serenade.

* * *

-**  
CHAPTER 6 – It Can't Be Over**  
- 

_It's not over, unless you let it break you,  
it's not over…_

-

It's dark outside when Brooke wakes up again. Through the window she can see the black sky sprinkled with stars and when one suddenly falls, she smiles and makes a wish. Lucas is sleeping in the armchair in the corner and he's snoring lightly. And when she looks to the left she finds Rachel sitting next to her bed, reading the latest issue of InStyle.

"Hey bitch…" she says softly and she realizes that her voice still isn't really back to normal, but Rachel doesn't even seem to notice. The smile spreading on the redhead's face is a genuinely happy one and she drops the magazine.

"Brooke!"

"What? No calling me slut or whore? God, you must have really missed me…"

Rachel just keeps smiling. Then she hesitantly leans in a bit, looking as if she's not sure what to do.

"This is gonna sound strange…" she says weakly, "but can I hug you?"

Not being used to this side of Rachel, Brooke nods in a surprised fashion, and her friend hugs her carefully. When she pulls back Rachel almost looks teary-eyed.

"I've missed you too, you crazy old skank" she whispers to show that she understands where the redhead is coming from and Rachel keeps holding her hand. "How have you been without me?"

At first Rachel doesn't even answer, but when she finally does, her jaw is clenched and her face serious.

"Brooke Davis. Don't ever, EVER do this to me again…"

-

The sound of laughter wakes Lucas.

First he thinks he's dreaming, and he almost feels a little disoriented when looking around in the hospital room. But then he sees Brooke and Rachel, and he contently rubs the sleep out of his eyes.

They haven't noticed him being awake yet and he watches them joke around with a growing smile on his face. Hearing Brooke laugh is like music to his ears. And even though it's a bit strained, probably due to the pain from her spleen removal, its still amazing. Like hearing a favorite song that you haven't heard in so long that you've almost forgotten it even existed. And then, when you hear it and remember, you find yourself wondering how you could ever have forgotten it in the first place.

"You two are crazy," he mumbles lazily as Rachel does a very well performed interpretation of Patsy from 'Absolutely fabulous' and Brooke turns and smiles towards him.

"And you snore", she muses and he laughs.

"I do not!"

It makes him happy that she looks so much better. Still pale and kind of tired-looking, but at least she's smiling, and her cheeks even have a slight rosy tinge.

"Sure you do. You've snored ever since high school. You should have a doctor look at that nose of yours. I bet there's something big stuck in there."

She winks at him and he realizes that her signature eyebrow-quirk looks slightly different with the now almost healed cut through her brow. He's still laughing but there's an added sense of sadness in his chest just by this little notion. He can't help but think that so much is going to change for Brooke now because of this accident. She's going to need physical therapy, medications, time off from both school and her growing fashion-line… and for the first time he wonders how good it can really be for her to be pregnant right now. Pregnancies put a lot of strain on a body, didn't they?

'At least she's happy about the baby', he thinks. Maybe that could be a light in the otherwise kind of dark months that's ahead of her.

"Aw, screw you!" he laughs out, mainly to keep the fun banter going, and Rachel meets his eyes over Brooke's bed and nods. "I swear dude, she's not lying. You sound like the original chainsaw."

But in her eyes he sees the same lingering worry. And when she says the next phrase he knows that she has moved on from the subject of his snoring, even though she adds a playful wink.

"By the way, be nice to Brooke. She's still weak and you can't say harsh things like that to her."

Hidden meaning: _don't pressure her_. Don't fight with her or make longwinded love speeches. She's _not_ well and she might not be able handle it.

He nods slowly. Then he gets up from his chair and stretches his arms over his head. Walks the few steps over to Brooke and kisses her forehead.

"I'm gonna go and see if there's any breakfast around here. I bet you're hungry."

"Yeah, like a freaking wolf."

She grins widely, showing off dimples and making him want to kiss her senseless but instead he just tells her that he'll be her waiter for the day and practically buy out the cafeteria. On the way out he pats Rachel's shoulder.

"Don't let her strain herself, Rach… I'll be right back."

-

Brooke slept when he came back with breakfast, but she was awake for lunch and she happily devoured a stack of pancakes. Then she, Rachel and himself played scrabble for a bit before she decided that she wanted ice cream. Preferably Mint Chocolate Chip.

So that's where he had been now. Down at the Dairy Queen on first floor buying different kinds of ice cream as if Brooke was the queen of Sheba. And he had whined about having to go too, but honestly he loves it. Because when he thinks about it, this is what he _should_ be doing.

In a perfect world, where his non-girlfriend wasn't in the hospital after a carcrash, he'd be going on ice cream-runs all the time to take care of crazy pregnancy-cravings, and because he wants that perfect world so damn much, getting what ever Brooke asks for doesn't mind him at all.

He's on his way back to the room when Peyton calls, and there's a second or two after he reads her name on the display of his cell phone that he actually contemplates not even answering. He's still pissed at her for the stunt she pulled the other day when leaving Brooke even though she had told him she would stay with her. And not that he really blames Peyton for Brooke's surgery or anything, but she disappointed him. Thoroughly.

However, after a couple of signals he picks up anyway, sneering a grumpy "What?" into the phone.

She sighs and starts off with a lame "I'm sorry", and when he huffs back a "Whatever…" it soon blows out into a heated discussion about how to treat friends and exes. _She_ seems to think that he's not showing enough sympathy towards how hard all this has been for _her_. Having her best friend close to dying, being forced to spend time in the hospital which (she never fails to rub in) is her least favorite place on earth. And all this as she's still sad about their break-up.

_He_ practically feels the opposite to everything she says, and tries to stress the point that Brooke is the one Peyton should feel sorry for, not herself. And her last sentence literally has him laughing out loud.

"Peyton…" he sighs. "You do realize that you've not shown a single second of sadness during the almost three months since I proposed to you?_You_ turned _me_ down. And _you_'ve been happy with that ever since. Why are you trying to twist this around now?"

She stays silent on the other end and he walks up to a vending machine by the wall and puts in a couple of quarters. Pushes a button and a Coke falls out.

"You're just emotional over this ordeal with Brooke. We all are. But don't try to pull any guilt-trips on me Peyt… I'm having enough on my plate as it is."

He opens the soda with his free hand and takes a big sip. She's still silent and finally he lets out another sigh.

"What do you want Peyton? Really? You prance in and out of here, grumpy as hell and spread your negative energy around Brooke. You bite my head off for wanting to take care of her with the explanation that I'm_hogging_ her from you, and then you run off as soon as I turn my back. And what the fuck was that thing with trying to find that Jeremy-dude?! Don't you think that's up to Brooke if he is the father of the baby?"

"I just though she might need him! I just wanted her to have someone…"

Her voice is cracking a little at the end, but he doesn't care. He's too busy interrupting her.

"She has _me_. And as you so nicely pointed out before, she also has Rachel and Haley and Nathan. Maybe even you at times. She doesn't need some loser college guy that probably just wanted to screw her, okay?"

He's starting to get angry for real and he's just about to remind her of all the times lately when she's been really unreliable when it comes to being there for her friends, but then he hears that she's crying.

"I miss Brooke so much Lucas… She doesn't need me anymore and she… she just talks to Rachel…"

She sobs heavily and he feels the anger shrink back to a slight irritation.

"That's not true Peyt. Brooke loves you…"

"She didn't even tell me she was pregnant and it took her weeks to tell me about Jeremy… She doesn't trust me, it's obvious… and I just wanted to do something for her so that when she wakes up, she'd know I care… And I have to leave tonight and now you're mad at me too…"

Another sob and a deep sigh. "…What if she doesn't wake up Lucas? I made a mistake when I turned _you_ down… I can't lose her _too_."

As he hears the last words he realizes who he forgot to call last night.

Damn.

"Eum… Peyt…"

How the hell is he going to explain that Brooke has been on and off awake now for more then 24 hours? Especially now, when the blonde has already decided that the entire world is against her.

"Yeah?"

By now he's back outside Brooke's room and he peeks inside to see Brooke sleeping. Rachel is busy watching a movie and her carefully retreats back out into the corridor.

"When does your flight leave for LA?"

She seems to think for a second. "At about eight. Why?"

"We're going to talk for bit you and I, and then I'm taking you back to the hospital to see Brooke before you leave, okay?"

"Okay…" she sniffles a little. "I'm at Haley's. Can you pick me up here?"

And he sighs. "Sure. Be outside in ten. We'll go for a coffee or something."

Hanging up, he walks back into the room and clears his throat to get Rachel's attention. The redhead looks up and then she nods and smiles in the direction of his favourite brunette.

"She fell asleep again…" she whispers with a held back giggle. "I swear, she's worse then my grandfather…"

He laughs silently.

"Yeah well, I need to leave for a bit. I've got to go see Peyton. She's a mess…"

For a second Rachel looks at him like she used to. A slight annoyance travels over her face and she seems a little distraught. But then she shrugs as if saying 'do what you need to do'. Then she looks back towards the TV, saying;

"I need to go too soon. But Haley called. She'll be here in an hour and Brooke will probably sleep until then."

He nods hesitantly and looks down on the ice cream bag in his hand.

"I'll just go put this in the freezer… I'll see you later, okay?"

Rachel says "Sure" but she suddenly seems a lot colder than before, and for some reason it makes him feel guilty. Even so he back tracks out the door.

It wasn't as if he was gonna be gone all night.

-

Brooke is in the car, and she holds the steering wheel a little tighter with her left hand as she's doing her make up with her right. It's tricky to get the eyeliner straight and she can feel herself doing that face that she unconsciously always makes when concentrating.

"So was he good?" she asks into her cell phone and leans closer to the rearview mirror, and Rachel laughs and answers with a cocky voice:

"Should I even be telling you this now? Aren't you driving? I don't want you getting all hot and bothered and drive off the road or something, I mean since your not getting any action nowadays…"

"You're such a bitch Rach" she laughs back and in the corner of her eye she sees the exit towards down town. "I could be getting a lot more then you and you know it!"

She laughs even more when her friend just huffs back and she accidentally smudges the line she's just painted. She swears silently and looks down into the make-up bag in her lap to find a q-tip. There's a truck coming up on her right side but she's got space and she lets go of the steering wheel for a second to readjust the phone that's slowly slipping.

The truck honks and she lets out an annoyed sigh. "What?!" she yells even though she knows that the driver can't hear her. "I'm turning left for Christ sake!"

Her fingertips feels the q-tip on the bottom, and bringing the little cotton-stick up to her face she takes one last look into the rearview to rub away the excessive eyeliner before turning. But the truck honks again.

And then it all happens in a couple of seconds. The truck seems to lose control and slides to the left. She swears and in her subconscious she catches Rachel's voice.

"What's going on Brooke?"

The truck is too big, too close… and she realizes that it'll force her to ram the fenced lane-divider. She has no room to steer clear, no room to brake or turn. And then the truck wobbles again and she brakes as much as she can. Still, the speed-marker hasn't even gone below 90 miles per hour when she slams into the railing. Her head hits the dashboard before she's thrown back into the left side window. Everything goes black but she can still hear all the noises. It feels like the car flips over but when she opens her eyes she's still head up.

Glass from the shattered window shield is sprayed all over her and she can taste blood in her mouth. Feel it run down her face. Her leg is trapped, the steering wheel digs into her abdomen, pinning her between the edge of it and the seat, and it hurts so bad. So bad that she's starting to black out again.

She looks down at her hand, knuckles scraped up and bloody, and she realizes that in a weird twist of fate, she's still holding her phone. The call to Rachel is still open and she can hear her friend screaming her name on the other end.

She tries to lift her hand, tries to answer Rachel that she's alive, but she can't.

And then she wakes up.

The pain in her midsection is still sharp and she breathes in deeply. But it isn't until she realizes that she isn't dreaming anymore that the panic lessens. She's in the hospital, in a bed, and there are people here to take care of her.

'It's not real…' she keeps repeating in her head. 'It's a memory… a dream.'

By then the sharp peak of pain is down to a dull menstrual-like cramp and she slowly breathes out again.

"Lucas?" she tries shakily. The digital-clock on the bedside table shows 5.46 in the evning but the dream and the pains are making her feel small and scared. She wants him to hold her hand and sooth her with her voice but for the first time when she wakes up, he isn't there.

The room is empty. Dark. And then the pain is back.

It's not like the pain that's been there ever since she woke up yesterday morning. It isn't the feeling of a slowly healing wound or a broken bone. This is hot and sharp and it comes and goes in waves, almost making her nauseous. It's even located differently.

Hesitantly she reaches out and pushes the call-button to get the nurse's attention. Maybe she had just been more medicated earlier and that's why it hurts more now?

When the cramp loosens a bit she closes her eyes, breathes through her nose and tries to calm her self. She used to be good at this when she was younger. If she had a bad dream or woke up in the middle of the night feeling scared, she never sought comfort from her parents. They usually weren't home anyway, so back then she'd turn on the TV for a while, maybe listen to music for a bit or, if it was really bad, even call Peyton.

But now, at 21 years old, she can't calm herself. She can't let go of the nightmare that had been too real. And even now, with her eyes open and the bedside lamp turned on, she can still hear the sounds of screeching tires and bending metal.

"Are you in pain sweetie?"

She flinches before realizing that it's just the nurse looking in through the door.

"Yes, it's my stomach…"

Her own voice sounds small and the nurse smiles at her comfortingly. Her name is Bea, if Brooke remembers correctly, and she has that motherly roundness and that soft voice that grandmothers in fairytales always had. She steps up to the bed and removes the blanket from on top of her belly.

"Lets see, does it hurt if I press here?"

At first she just winces as response but then she composes her self. Clenches her teeth and lets the nurse examine her.

"It's more on the inside… Like cramps."

"Don't worry hun" the nurse sooths, but to Brooke she looks a little worried. "I'll go get you a couple of tablets to take the edge off. I'll be right back."

She wants to tell the woman to stay. Tell her that she really doesn't want to be alone right now and that the pain she's feeling doesn't seem 'normal'. But at the same time she feels embarrassed. She doesn't like to be a bother and the nurses have done so much for her already. It isn't really this woman's responsibility to hold her hand too.

"Okay," she mumbles and blinks away the stray tears. "Thank you."

The nurse disappears back out through the door and she wants to curl up into a ball and hold her aching stomach, but she can't. Her injured knee and the scar from her spleen-removal, makes it impossible.

She clenches her teeth, braces herself for a new wave of cramps, and then she feels it. The sticky, warm fluid running down her thighs and down onto the mattress.

"No…" she whimpers, because she already knows. "Not the baby…"

And when the nurse returns with the doctor, she's crying in a growing puddle of red.

-

Haley arrives half an hour after she started bleeding, looking rushed and panicked. And just like the mother hen Haley has always been, she hovers over her, patting her with comforting hands while commanding answers from the doctors in a hushed voice. She does it nervously and after a while Brooke realizes that Haley doesn't think she knows. She doesn't know that Lucas has told her and she's just trying to keep her as safe and unknowing as possible.

But it's a little late. She already _does_ know. And she's not deaf. Before Haley arrived she heard the nurses talk and even if Lucas wouldn't have told her, she would still know by now.

Miscarriage.

Inevitable loss of foetus through heavy bleeding. Probably a delayed reaction to blunt force trauma caused by car-accident.

"_10 weeks and 4 days… It's a shame she hadn't passed the three months mark. That would have given the baby better chances…"_

Her baby died because she drove recklessly. Her baby died because of the fact that for over a month she had been too stressed to notice that she was in fact pregnant. And she had driven to a stupid fashion-show, pushing at least 40 miles/h over the speed limit while doing her make-up.

While doing her fucking make-up!

"Where's Luke…" she cries, and she wishes that he'd just appear at the door and make all this right. Wake her up from this nightmare with his calm and soft voice that had been the only thing she had heard during the days of complete darkness.

Haley holds her of course, but it's not the same. Tears keep pouring, and even though the pain is worse then before, it's not the reason for her crying. The pain in her heart is. The notion that there's no more life inside her. That the baby that she's only known about for a little more than a day, is gone. And however much she tries to, she can't understand why the baby was saved in the first place, if it was going to be ripped from her like this.

If she would've lost it in the actual accident then she wouldn't even have known that it had existed. And that way would have been so much easier, because then she wouldn't have had the time to dream.

She wouldn't have pictured the tiny face or the impossibly small and pink toes. She wouldn't have imagined the sweet scent of newborn baby, or wondered if it would have her hair-color or _his_. And she wouldn't have realized that, even though being in her shoes probably meant that she'd be a single mother, she still really wanted this baby… the baby that slowly but surely was now seeping out of her.

"I need Lucas…" she sobs, and Haley hushes her soothingly, rocking her back and forth, careful not to hold her too hard or push against any of her injuries. And she wants to tell her friend that it doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

Not the pain, not the accident. Not the way her knee would probably never heal fully or the fact that her injuries to spleen and liver would require her to eat medicine for months.

The only thing that matters is that she'll never hold this baby.

"He'll be here soon, Tigger. He's with Peyton but they've called him and he knows you need him."

She's not even sure why she can't make due with Haley. Haley is normally her rock. But her heart craves Luke. After their talk last night it feels like he's the only one that will understand.

A new wave of cramps washes over her and she instinctively curls up but gasps with the added pain from her still fresh scar. Haley keeps stroking her over the hair and keeps looking at the nurses in a sort of helpless way, and finally the older nurse sighs and says:

"This is not working out. She'll tear the surgery-wound open. We'll have to give her something that'll calm her down a bit."

Seconds later a mask is placed over her mouth and nose, and when Haley's face starts to become fuzzy and the noise in the room disappears, she's actually relieved. Relieved that they're taking her away from this.

That is until she realizes that she can still feel that slow 'seeping' feeling. Only now, everything around her is dark. And maybe that's when something inside of her just snaps.

-

If it weren't for the fact that there're other patients in this wing of the hospital, Lucas would probably scream out in frustration. Because when he comes back after dropping Peyton off, Brooke is sleeping soundly. Only she isn't doing it because she's tired. She back in the drug-induced sleep that she'd been in for days and he can't for the life of him understand why.

She had been fine when he left at 4 am this morning. And when the nurse had left a message on his cell phone twenty minutes ago he had called back and only gotten the information that Brooke wanted to see him, not that she was worse or anything like that.

So he had sped back from the airport, happy to oblige his favorite dimpled brunette, but he hadn't been worried. Just very happy that she wanted him there with her. And during the ten minute long car ride he had tried to summon all the courage he could. Because today he had decided to talk to her about their baby.

And then he came to her room, found Haley, and realized that they had drugged Brooke back into unconsciousness.

It took him less then two minutes to find the attending doctor, and now the man in his white coat talks annoyingly slowly, taking his time to articulate every single syllable.

"We had to give her a sedative, she was really upset and with her injuries…"

Then the high and mighty asshole lets his sentence die off and turns to leave, without giving him an explanation, and he grows angrier by the minute.

"Why couldn't you wait ten minutes? You knew that I was on my way here. I could have calmed her! Damn it, she just woke up!"

The doctor looks back at him, his face void of emotion. As if nothing of this interested him enough to make him feel any sympathy. He gets ready to yell, to do something to make the man react, but Haley comes up behind him and puts a hand on his shoulder.

"Lucas… come on, let's get some coffee. I need to tell you something…"

Something in Haley's voice makes him backtrack a couple of steps into the room where Brooke sleeps. And seeing the brunette's chest rise and fall makes him feel a little less scared. Because Haley sounds sad and worried all over again.

"What's wrong Hales?" he asks in a hushed voice and looks at her seriously. "Don't lie to me…"

"Brooke lost the baby."

His chin falls. Time stops.

"What?"

Haley's hand squeezes his upper arm gently. Her eyes are blank and her jawline tense.

"They're not giving me a real explanation. Just saying that her injuries were too extensive and that in order for her body to start healing it got rid of the pregnancy since it drained her of her strength… Apparently she started bleeding this morning."

"This is not happening…" he mumbles and pulls his hand through his already messy hair. "This can't be fucking happening…"

"But Luke, the important thing is that she gets better, right? She was in pain and they sedated her to make her rest comfortably… And since she doesn't know, it's not like…"

"Haley…"

As he interrupts his childhood best friend he can't tear his eyes away from Brooke's face. And he hates this situation, hates the world… hates himself.

"…she wasn't just in pain… I told her about the baby. Yesterday… when she woke up…"

His voice cracks and he leans against the wall. "…I told her she was pregnant, and she was so happy Haley… She _wanted_ the baby."

Haley turns to look at Brooke too now and he whispers the last words to her turned back.

"She wasn't just in pain. She was fucking heartbroken. And it's all my fault…"

It's silent for minutes. Haley says nothing and he's too stunned to even form words. But then, even though he knows that it'll kill him whatever the answer is, he has to ask.

"Did she ask for me?"

Haley looks down into the floor.

"Did she ASK for me?!"

"Yes."

"And what did you say?"

"I told her that you'd be back soon. That you were just talking to Peyton…"

Everything has its time and place. And when it comes to the extremely fragile relationship between him and Brooke, Peyton has no place at all.

"Damn it Haley!" he shouts and slams his fist into the wall so hard that his childhood friend jumps. "That's not a good enough answer, can't you see that? That's NOT what you should have said to her!"

She looks back at him, her brown eyes full of hurt.

"What? You wanted me to lie? It's what you did, right? Why are you so angry with _me_?"

Sighing, he leans back towards the wall.

"I should never have gotten together with Peyton…" he whispers, and Haley's eyes grow wide but she doesn't say anything. Instead she just reaches out for him. And just like when they were kids, and he was sad about the things that he couldn't change or disappointed at his father, she holds him in a tight hug.

"It has nothing to do with Peyton…" she says. "You're just too scared to really get it through your head."

He leans his head into the crook of her neck and he wants to ask what she means by that, but she continues. She talks and talks, all while hugging him.

And he still doesn't understand. Not at all.

_I'm falling apart,  
Don't say this wont last forever  
You're breaking my heart, you're breaking my heart.  
Don't tell me that we'll never be together.  
We could be over and over,  
We could be forever._

-

Brooke has been awake for at least ten minutes. And during those ten minutes she's been listening to the murmur of Lucas and Haley out in the corridor. The sound has gone from a distant noise to loud and clear fighting, and she looks at the closed door and tries to quench the need to eavesdrop further. She's heard enough. Instead, she tries to focus on something else, but it's impossible to not snap up the sound of Lucas' frustrated voice. It's heard even through the wall and after a while so is Haley's.

"What the hell do you want me to do Hales?"

"I don't know, be HONEST to her maybe?! If you don't want to be with her then just tell her!"

"And you think I haven't? I've tried telling her several times. But I don't want to hurt her… Especially not now."

Her heart feels black and empty in her chest, and her head is like an anthill where all her thoughts are like ants running back and forth. Fragments of Lucas' words echoes in her mind:

"_She was never the one… just look at last time. And after all of this, I don't think I have any strength left to fight."_

Or Haley: _"Maybe you should just back off of her? Peyton still loves you, you know…"_

As she touches her belly she doesn't feel the bandage covering the scar. She feels the emptiness where her baby should have been. She realizes that there are no feelings left inside her either. No anger, no love, no sadness… no nothing…

Just a hole.

Just an empty black hole.

-

_My tears run down like razorblades and no,  
I'm not the one to blame,  
It's you? Or is it me?_

_And all the words we never say.  
Come out and now we are all ashamed,  
And there's no sense in playing games  
when you've done all you can do._

Something is so different.

It's as if the loss of the baby broke something in Brooke that the accident never could. And now she seems closed up inside herself. She hardly answers when people talk to her, and for two days now she's just lied in bed staring at the ceiling.

He's been careful to approach the baby-subject, just like before the miscarriage he's felt like there's time for that later, but now he's not so sure anymore. Because for the third time today he's sitting beside her trying to get her to let him in, and she just doesn't. When he softly asks her how she feels, she just shrugs.

"I wish you'd talk to me Brooke…" he tries again, but there's still just deafening silence. At least until Rachel sighs from the corner.

"Not to be mean or anything Luke, but maybe you should drop it. You seem to upset her more…"

It hurts to hear it. But what hurts most is that he feels as if Rachel is right. Whenever he walks into the room Brooke seems to turn even more into herself. And now he can't help but think that the baby might have been their last chance. Because without it and with the coldness she is displaying now, it feels like he has nothing to support his case.

"I just want to be there," he says, half to Rachel and half to Brooke. "I just…"

It's all falling apart. All the plans he's made during the long hours he's been sitting at her bedside just shatters into tiny pieces as he hears Brooke calmly but coldly state:

"You don't have to be here. You're free Luke. There is no one here that you have to save…" 

"I never said you needed saving Brooke. I just want to take care of you.

"Why are you so upset about the baby Lucas? I never said that it was yours…"

It feels like she's just thrown a bucket of ice-cold water in his face.

"What?"

"I never said that you were the father, right?" she continues and turns her gaze to the window. He stares blankly at her. Waits for her to say the rest of the sentence. Yet when she does, it kills him.

"And you aren't, Lucas."

He's speechless. As a writer he should have access to a huge amount of words, but it's as if his brain has been emptied of every syllable known to man. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out. His mind is just blank.

Peyton had been right.

For a second her face softens and her voice is slightly lower as she repeats the words she told him months ago. "I told you to forget about me. I need to be on my own Lucas. It has nothing to do with you… I don't want to have a relationship with you. You or _anyone_."

"But Brooke…"

"No Lucas. I'm tired… just go."

Then she closes her eyes and curls up to the side. And he watches her for minutes, somehow hoping that tears will come, or something else that shows him that all this is just stuff she's saying because she's hurting and needs an outlet.

Because if that's the case, then it's okay for her to push him away, to yell and cry and fight. If that's the case he can wait. But she stays calm. Silent.

Finally he feels the last hope slipping and he swallows.

"If I walk out this door Brooke, I won't come back."

It doesn't sound like his own voice when the words leave his mouth, but the brunette that holds his heart in such a grip that he feels like he's about to choke doesn't even look up. She doesn't even sigh.

"It's the way I want it," she simply states. "I can't do this… One day you'll understand."

_I lose myself in all these fights  
I lose my sense of wrong and right.  
I cry, I cry.I'm shaking from the pain that's in my head.  
I just want to crawl into my bed  
and throw away the life I led.  
But I won't let it die  
I won't let it die._

---

Two weeks later he watches her from his car as they wheel her through the hospital entrance and out to Rachel's waiting Jeep. She still looks tired and pale and Rachel is with her every second, doting on her and helping her with her bags and bouquets of flowers, and makes sure that the orderlies treat her as carefully as possible.

Tears keep pouring down his face as he waits for her to look over at him. He knows that she must have seen his car standing there just meters away, but not once do her eyes stray in his direction. Her face is emotionless and she just stares straight ahead. And the last hope that she would let him in, let him be there for her in any way possible, is lost.

And when he sees the tail-lights of the black car disappear down towards Manhattan he cuts the bond. He turns the ignition and drives back to his already packed up apartment. Turns off the light, locks the front door, and leaves the keys to the doorman along with a crème-colored envelope.

And then he does just what Brooke has done.

He leaves. For good.

-

_We had the chance to make it  
but now it's over  
It's over  
It can't be over_

_I wish that I could take it back, but it's over..._

---

* * *

**Author's note**: Before you all decide to kill me. This is NOT the last chapter, okay? LOL.  
Again, you were all the greatest with those amazing reviews for last chapter. And for this chapter I know I've bugged a lot of you half to death with questions and nagging, so sorry for that… 

I hope you'll stick around and read the next update, which should be up within the week. /Lynn

**LOVE YOU ALL: **

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	7. Give Me Space

**Author's note**: I can't tell you how happy I am that you all seem to trust me enough not to bite my head off for what I did to BL in the last chapter. And I've given personal responses to some of your questions in the end of this chapter. The title and lyrics are from the song 'Space' by Something Corporate. Now, let's get on with the story…

* * *

-  
**CHAPTER 7 – Give Me Space  
**- 

_Home._

_Is that a quiet place where you should be alone?_

_Is this where the tortured and the troubled find their own?_

It's been almost a year and a half. Sixteen months and 22 days to be exact, but Brooke still wakes up in cold sweat at least once a night. She usually just needs to turn the light on to erase the flashbacks of the accident, and after a couple of minutes her pulse goes back to normal and she is able to go back to sleep.

But some nights, like tonight, the memories plaguing her dreams are so vivid and real that she wakes up by the sound of her own cries. And those nights it's not enough with the extra night-light. Nights like this she has to get out of bed, wrap the robe around herself and go out into the kitchen. There she usually grabs a glass of milk or a cup of tea, and then sits at the big designer kitchen table for half an hour or more.

And nights like this one, Rachel usually comes to join her, also awakened by her crying. And most of the times the sleepy redhead grabs a cup of her own, before sitting down beside her in silence.

"Same dream?"

Rachel's voice is raspy from sleep and she pulls out the chair next to hers.

"No, I was just really craving some whiskey…"

Her retort is sarcastic and her redheaded friend sighs tiredly.

"Don't be a bitch Brooke. I've slept far too little for that."

Rachel picks up her glass and sniffs the liquid inside before wrinkling her nose. And then she shakes her head with a sad expression.

"That bad, huh?" she then says softly and rubs her back soothingly, and this time she just nods. Bitching out Rachel isn't something she's doing for the fun of it. After three hours of on and off nightmares she's just far too tired to be nice.

And Rachel knows. Rachel understands.

They've been through the same routine hundreds of times the past year and a half, and sometimes the gratitude she feels towards her friend almost gets smothering. Because she knows that if it wasn't for Rachel, she might not have pulled through at all.

"Who died this time?" Rachel asks and actually pours some whiskey into her own mug, probably just too tired to get up and get something else.

"Luke…"

"Again?"

Her own silence is deafening and Rachel sighs once more.

"Maybe you should go back to that shrink, Brooke… The last couple of nights have been really bad."

But she just shakes her head and downs the last of the whiskey. Shrinks are for nutcases and she's not one of those, at least not yet. The liquid stings in her throat but warms her chest, making her just foggy enough to hopefully sleep without dreaming for the rest of the night.

"Why? It seemed like it helped the last time, right?"

She stands up and goes over to the sink to put her glass away, ignoring Rachel's questions in the process. But then Rachel drops her glass into the floor and the crashing sound makes her jump five feet up into the air.

As from nowhere pictures of shattered glass and twisted metal rages her mind and she breathes too fast, feeling her pulse skyrocket again.

"Sorry" she hears Rachel say somewhere in the distance, and she closes her eyes tight to fight the flashing fragments of memories. And as if it never begun it stops again, and she lets out a long breath before opening her eyes.

"It's okay…" she mumbles and walks towards the bathroom. The little comfort provided by that 'two finger'-amount of Jim Beam is long gone and she might as well get showered, dressed and head on to work.

Rachel, who is on the floor picking up the pieces of broken glass, reads her mind and makes a frustrated sound.

"It's freaking four o'clock in the morning Brooke. Go back to bed! You need sleep…"

But she just closes the door behind her and turns the water on. Sleep is a luxury and work is a wonderful distraction from a life that just seemed to have gone very wrong.

-

At five o'clock she opens the doors to her gym and greets the guy behind the reception counter. She's spent so many early mornings here that Charlie and the other personal trainers almost feel like her friends.

"How's the knee Brooke? Better?"

"It's good Charlie. Much better with that new exercise you showed me."

She pushes the corners of her mouth up to create a smile and keeps walking into the changing-room. She feels at home here. This is the same gym she spent most of her time in the months following her hospital-stay. And after her rehab had finished, the routine of working out an hour every morning had already stuck and she kept coming. Thirteen months ago no one had thought she'd be running 5 miles before work, that was for sure…

She dumps her bag in a locker and grabs her ipod and water bottle. And as she walks back into the gym to hit the treadmill she wonders what she will be doing at this hour in exactly a week. She doesn't even know if there's a gym open at this hour where she will be staying.

All she knows is that she needs to get away. She can't keep feeling like this.

--

Lucas yawns and stretches his arms over his head as he walks into the sunlit kitchen. It's only just after 8 AM and usually he sleeps a lot longer than this, but the sound of a dump-truck had awakened him and now he might as well stay up.

Not that he has any special reason, as a writer he really doesn't have a time-schedule to follow. But it feels good with an early rise once in a while, just to remember what it feels like.

He opens the fridge, pours himself a glass of juice and grabs a frozen pop-tart, before stepping out on the porch. He's developed a strange aversion to his laptop. From being the guy that had brought it with him everywhere in New York, he is now taking detours just to avoid it, often making up lame excuses to both himself and his friends to why he doesn't have time to write.

During the first months after returning to Tree Hill he had forced himself to sit down and try to write at least a couple of hours a day. But the words had just refused to come. And as time passed, the hours spent in front of the computer got less and less until finally he just kept away from it all together, sometimes for days at the time. Today it's been over a week since he got more than a single sentence down, and just the though of opening his laptop gives him small anxiety attacks. Instead he usually hangs out in the garden or sleeps half the day before meeting up Haley after she finishes off work.

And today is no exception.

The weather is nice and he sits down on one of the folding chairs. Since he moved back to Tree Hill over a year ago this has been his favourite spot. The house isn't big, but it's close to Nathan and Haley's beach house and not too far from his mom. And within the prize-range it's a lot better than most.

His life is a pretty good one. And apart from the current drought in inspiration, he gets to do what he likes for a living. He has a girlfriend, he has great friends and he lives close to his family. He still has a lot of the royalty-money from his first book so economically he's fine too.

He can't complain, there are people that don't have half of what he has.

And overall he's happy.

It's a bit chilly still, since it's only the 12th of March, and he zips his hoody. Picking up the morning news-paper he scans the current events section. Peyton is having an exhibition in Raleigh soon and he has forgotten the date. Thankfully he finds it, just as the phone rings, and as he answers, he chuckles at the fact that if he'd called Peyton one more time admitting that the date and time had slipped his mind, she'd probably castrate him.

"Hello," he says absent-mindedly and flips through the rest of the pages, and his younger brother's voice answers him.

"Hey man. Finally awake, huh? You know it's almost lunchtime, right?"

"Screw you. It's a quarter past eight." He shoves the phone stuck between chin and shoulder and flips to the sports section, quickly scanning the results of last nights Bobcats-game.

"Damn it, Nate. You guys whipped Dallas' ass. I really wouldn't want to be a Maverick this morning."

His brother chuckles. "They sucked. The only guy with some game was that dude Bass. Remember him? He used to play for Louisiana State."

"Yeah, Brandon right? Is he still an ass?"

Now Nathan laughs out loud, even though he can't see what's so hilarious.

"It's funny that you should say that. He asked the same thing about you when I saw him at the press-conference. Just because you used to have the same taste in girls…"

Nathan trails off mid sentence and for a couple of seconds there is a tense silence. Eventually the small talk picks up again and then Nathan asks if he wants to meet up for a game of one-on-one. It Tuesday, and usually they play on Wednesdays and Sundays, but since the new season has started he takes whatever time he can get with his brother. Nathan is an NBA player now _and_ a father, which means extra free-time is unusual.

"Sure. But I have to swing by mom first. River court in two hours?"

"See you there."

--

It's a little after nine and the office is busy. People are talking rapidly into cellular phones, running back and forth in the open office landscape. Others are bent over sketches and there are mannequins with finished or half finished designs everywhere.

Brooke walks in and stops to say good morning to the girl behind the front desk. Usually she's one of the first people in here, and due to her early working hours, most of her closest crew are now in before 7.30 too. But today she's late. She stayed later at the gym, treated herself to a couple of laps in the heated swimming pool before getting a massage. Sleep has been a rare thing lately and the constant tiredness is starting to get to her.

"Hi Brooke."

The voice is the one of her assistant, Wendy. She comes up beside her when she walks down towards her own office, and she hands her a cup of coffee. Double espresso, dash of milk, no sugar.

"Hi Wendy. How's the morning been so far?"

She sips the coffee handed to her and for a second she thinks about all the mocha-latte's with caramel topping of the past but just the thought of it leaves a weird taste in her mouth and instead she starts going through her phone-messages.

Wendy quickens her step to catch up and clears her throat.

"Well, Elle called. They still want you in their next issue, and I've told them that you don't have time to squeeze in any more interviews this week. Then there's the meeting with Harvey Nichols from London this afternoon…"

She flips the pages in her notebook, still trying to keep up. "…Elisabeth Marcus from their office called and said to tell you that their flight lands at three o'clock and could we maybe send a car to get them?"

"Sure Wends, just tell Sean to get them with the company-limo. And next time, just give the press-calls to Rachel or Philip. You know that I don't handle media-things."

Another sip, and by now they're in her office. The weird caramel-taste disappears as soon as she sees the piles of work that she has in front of her and she puts her bag on the desk and starts her laptop, before sitting down.

"About the Harvey Nichols-meeting… Did you clear Rachel's schedule for this afternoon like I asked you to last night? I'm gonna need her here."

Wendy squirms a little. "Yeah, well… Rachel said not to… She said that she booked the meeting with Vouge weeks ago and as you said… since you don't really like the press…"

The girl looks a little nervous and Brooke feels for her. She has fresh in mind how it had felt to be young and torn between bosses, just wanting to please. She's still young, and it wasn't that long ago that she was at the bottom of the food-chain, slaving at that Victoria's Secret internship, but with the last year she's grown a lot and the little insecure girl is hidden deep inside her.

Still the irritation makes her frown and Wendy looks even more unsure. "But…but if you want me to, then of course I'll do it. I'll just…"

"No it's alright. I'll call Rachel myself."

She forces a smile and rubs her knee under the table. It's a little stiff from the hours at the gym and usually it gets worse when she's stressed out.

"It's okay Wendy" she says with a much softer voice and the tension in the girl's shoulders loosen a little. "Please do me a favour though and ask Philip to get in here."

"I'll get him right away."

Wendy turns to leave, but then stops in the doorway. "Oh, I almost forgot. Haley called an hour ago. She said something about a birthday party… and something about a house?"

She nods and is already picking up the phone.

"Great Wendy. Thanks."

And as the signals sound in the receiver she thinks that maybe she could tell Haley about her plans. She and Haley aren't as close as they once was, her busy schedule and her total aversion of Tree Hill has made sure of that, but in her heart Haley is still like her sister and she is probably the only one that would understand.

The least she can do is try.

---

At ten Lucas walks in through his mom's front door. It smells the same as always, flowers, something cooking on the stove and the special scent of home. And it looks almost the same as when he was a kid too. His own room is now redecorated in pink and purple for his little sister, but apart from that, nothing has really changed.

Lily comes running to greet him and he laughs as he picks the four-year-old up and swings her around.

"Hey Lil. Missed me?"

She giggles, and her pearly laughter is like sunshine on a rainy day.

"No silly, you were here yesterday!"

He kisses her chubby cheek and puts her down again. And watching her run into the house, he thinks that he'll miss both her and his mom so much when they leave. He's happy that they're finally able to take the trip around Europe that his mom has wanted for so long. But he's also so used to having them be apart of his everyday life that the though of not having them around is strange.

It's nice to be able to see them often, take Lily and sometimes James to the park, and have Sunday dinners in his mother's kitchen.

"Hey princess," he calls after Lily. "Where's mom?"

"She's in the shower. I _can_ look after myself for ten minutes."

She says it matter of factedly, and he knows she's repeating Karen's words from earlier. It makes him smile to hear her sound so 'big'. And sure, in three months she will be four, but to him she'll always be a baby. His little pink princess.

"Yes you can," he answers and follows her into the living room where the TV blares out some episode of a cartoon. "You're big now, right? I bet you're even so big that you can tell mom I was here and that I'll be back later."

She pouts but nods.

"I can, but where are you going? I want you to watch the Backyardigans with me…"

"Tomorrow Lily. I'm gonna go play some basketball with Nathan."

She looks up from the TV again and with a swift movement she pushes her chocolate colored bangs out of her eyes. Sometimes she looks so much like someone else he knows that it physically hurts.

"You wanna come along Lil? I bet James would want to come if you do."

"Naw…" she says and picks up one of her dolls from the floor. "I don't like basketball."

And she doesn't. She likes Barbies and clothes and pearls, all kinds of pink and her ballet-tutu. She likes pop-music and sweets and his mom's old scrapbooks. Lately especially the ones with his mom's old cheerleading-pictures.

But best of all, she likes him.

-

Lucas passes the ball to Nathan and laughs when Nathan does a weird attempt of a double-dribble that fails miserably.

"Is it possible that you're actually getting worse?" he chuckles. "I thought you were supposed to get better after a year in the NBA."

Nathan huffs a "Shut up you!" but its just friendly banter between brothers that enjoy each others company on a sunny spring day. And they're both aware that Nathan can hardly be referred to as a bad player. The straight opposite actually.

"How's the little man?" Lucas asks instead and holds the ball that's passed back to him. "Hales said he was a little feverish yesterday."

"He's fine. But you know Jamie… energetic as that bunny in the battery-commercial. He was on a playdate with the Jensen-kid after day-care yesterday so I bet he was just overly excited. But Haley is always the mother hen. Did you know that she practically force-feeds Bevin prenatal vitamins?"

They start the game back up and shoot around for a couple of minutes, but they keep talking about everyday things. Like how none of them really thought that Bevin and Skills would still be a couple after this long, no less have a baby. And about how Lily called James 'dirtbag' the other day when James was over at Karen's house playing.

It's mostly what these one-on-one games are for. Quality time and a possibility to get to talk. Because it hasn't always been like this, although it's just once in a while, like today, that the conversation makes him feel like he's missing out on something.

"So will you be gone a lot this month?" he asks while sinking a three-pointer straight into the basket, thinking about the huge apartment his brother has in Charlotte to complement the beach house in Tree Hill. Nathan refuses to let the beach house go, even though it would be so much easier for the little family to just move to Charlotte. But both Nathan and Haley wants James to grow up in Tree Hill, which means that they stay in Charlotte as little as possible and that Haley often stays with their son when his brother has away-games. And for this, Lucas is glad.

"Most of next week" Nathan says and rolls his eyes. "And then there's a game in Atlanta on Friday. But the season break is coming up soon, and thank god, is all I can say! It's gonna be so nice to have two whole months without having to travel all over the damn country."

Nathan sinks an easy shot and he smiles at him. "Nice! Maybe we can go somewhere? You, Haley and James. Me and Linds. Maybe down the coast?"

His brother nods but he doesn't really seem that thrilled. End-season stress probably, he thinks. It would soon get better.

"Now come on," he says instead. "Let's work up some sweat. You 2-point shots are worse than Peyton's."

--

Brooke looks up from her computer by the sound of someone clearing her throat. Rachel is leaning against the doorframe and she's holding a stack of folders.

"This is the press coverage for the spring line-launch," she says smiling. "We're way past what we hoped for. The media is crazy about Clothes over Bros. They're crazy about _you_."

She smiles back and relaxes a little. However much they have bitched each other out lately, Rachel is still her safe haven. The one that knows.

"Can't you skip Vouge?" she begs. "I'm scared of that Elisabeth-woman… She sounds like my mother…"

Rachel chuckles but shakes her head. "Uh-uh Brookie. Your client, your meeting. I need to cover your ass in the press. Why don't you bring Philip of Miranda or someone from marketing?"

"Not as much fun…" she pouts. "I'd just love to see you try and flirt your way through this one."

"I'd just love to see you flirt. Period."

Rachel's retort is made to sound light but the message behind it is clear. Before the accident she had been a social butterfly, and after her amazing recovery she had tried to go back to that. But keeping the smile up proved to be so much harder than anyone would have thought and finally she just gave up. It was enough to keep herself together at work or at the fashion-events that she had to attend.

Now the social scene misses her. The media wants her to party and to date. The paparazzi want her to smile and kiss random upcoming stars, maybe even get drunk. Rachel wants her to live a little. And she just wants to _sleep_.

"Lay off it Rach…" she says tiredly, and her redheaded friend shrugs, looking a little sad. Silently she closes the glass door to the office and steps closer to the desk.

"Maybe you were right the other day Brooke… maybe you do need to get away for a while. Just think about the consequences… we're in the middle of a lot of big things and…" She leans in a little closer. "and what if it breaks you even more? I won't be there…"

"It won't _break_ me. I'm not some porcelain doll."

She sounds sure. But on the inside she's not sure at all. Everything has its downsides and what Rachel is thinking of is of course the biggest one. Usually, if she has too much free time on her hands, she tends to go depressed, hence the extreme work-schedule. Hence the last year's incredible success. But there are worse downsides here in New York. She is stressed out, hunted by the media and followed by her mother, and she's in desperate need of a timeout.

"Run with me?" she says with a much softer voice and the redhead sighs. "Tomorrow morning, down by Hudson River? Please…"

"The things I do for you…" Rachel mumbles and starts to leave. She dumps the folders on the desk and opens the door. "So do you want me to come back here after the Vouge-thing? We have that movie premiere at ten."

She nods, making a grumpy face, and pulls the stack of papers closer towards her.

And as Rachel closes the door again, she mumbles; "I don't even like Brad Pitt… he's a pussy-whipped asshole" and she can hear Rachel chuckling on her way back to her desk.

They're keeping budget, figures for sales are looking excellent and now the media seemed happy too. If she's ever going to get away, now would be the time. Rachel would have everything covered until she decided to come back.

She just has to get going…

--

_In this place_

_a__ lonely escapade in outer space,_

_t__here's no antidote for irony. _

_You say that you have, when you know that you don't._

_And you say that you can, _

_when you know that you won't__…_

"Linds? You here?"

Lucas throws his jacket on the chair in the hallway and walks into the kitchen. Every muscle in his body is aching after half a day on the court with his brother and he's hungry as a wolf. Lindsey is standing by the stove, cooking something that smells delicious, and the radio that's standing on the windowsill plays in the background. He walks closer and she turns and sees him.

"Hi" she says smiling. "You're here early."

"Yeah, Nathan had to go to a team meeting. I figured I could use your shower instead of going home in between. I've got some clothes here, right?"

"Yes. They're in the top drawer in my bedroom. Dinner's done in half an hour. Come out when you're done and have a glass of wine while I finish up."

With his arm loosely around her waist he sticks a finger into the pan and tastes the sauce before placing a kiss on her lips.

"Peyton called and asked me to remind you about the exhibition next week" she smiles, leaning into him. "Apparently you've missed the last two… something about forgetting things when you write, or what was it?"

Her voice is a little sarcastic but warm and he laughs and kisses her again.

"I know. It's on Wednesday, four o'clock. It's somewhere in Raleigh and I have the address in my note-pad at home. Believe me, I know oh so well that she'll _never_ let me live it down if I missed this one too…"

"Good boy. I took the day off so we can go together" she says. "By the way, did you get any writing done today?"

She has left the cooking and is now facing him. He strokes some hair away from her face and the lie comes without any effort at all.

"I wrote 20 or so pages this morning before meeting up Nathan."

She looks pleased and smiles brightly. And then, as he lets her go and heads towards the bathroom for that refreshing shower, he unconsciously turns the radio off.

Lindsey turns from her cooking once more and looks at him with a confused expression.

"Lucas? Why'd you do that? I was listening to that song…"

And frankly he has no idea. It's not until she says his name that he realizes that he's done it. He doesn't even remember what song was playing, just that it somehow made him feel uncomfortable. That he wanted the sound gone because it was ruining his good mood.

"Sorry," he mumbles confusedly and turns the volume back up. The sound of 'Blue Skies' by Strays Don't Sleep fills the room and he frowns.

And then, without a word, he walks into the bathroom and closes the door behind him.

--

_Give me space so I can breath_

_Give me space so I can sleep_

_Give me space so you won't drown in this with me_

--

"Brooke! Brooke Davis! Look this way!"

"Where is Tony, miss Davis? Have you two broken up?"

"Is it true that you hate Paris Hilton?"

She sighs inwardly and smiles wider. Still waving to the photographers and the crowd as she walks down the red carpet. The questions are thrown at her from left and right, but Rachel has instructed her not to answer. Apparently they're on a tight schedule and there are no important press here.

This is just a quick in and out, Rachel has assured her. They'd be home before midnight.

But she'll believe that when she sees it.

"Don't you ever get tired of this?" she mumbles, without for a second dropping the smile or her act, and Rachel wait until they get in through the entrance before she answers.

"Of what? The reporters?"

"Yeah, and the parties and the fake smiling…"

The redhead smirks. "Fake smiling? I don't fake-smile Brookie, that's just you."

They're met by others from Clothes over Bros just inside the door and someone puts a glass of champagne in her hand. She takes a couple of sips of the cold liquid from the crystal flute and lets her tense shoulders drop an inch.

A reporter comes and interrupts them and in a second her dimpled smile is back up. She giggles sweetly when he tells her that their readers love her. She nods seriously when asked if she's ever read TeenLife, even though she hasn't heard of it, and when Philip comes and steals her away after about fifteen minutes, she even manages to act like the intrusion annoys her.

"I'm so sorry Mr. Baxter…" she says and extends her hand to the journalist. "I hope we'll get a chance to talk more later. TeenLife is such an excellent magazine."

The guy smiles widely and sends one last appreciative glance down her cleavage. "I'd love that Miss Davis. It's always such a pleasure to talk with you."

She links her arm through Philips and lets him lead her over to the makeshift bar in the middle of the room.

"What took you so long?" she sighs and her publicist laughs dryly.

"Sometime you amaze me Brooke… You should have become an actress instead of a fashion designer. Not only do people love you as if you were a famous moviestar, you act quite well too."

She holds back a frown and lowers her voice.

"Don't be an ass Philip. Now, get to the point. I've been waiting all night for you to come and tell me that you handled all the details about the trip. You haven't told Rachel have you?"

Suddenly she feels bad but Philip shakes his head. "Not a word. But I really think you should talk to her, she's just worried about you."

"Yeah? She has a strange way of showing it…"

At this he doesn't answer, just gives her a look as if to say 'don't be ridiculous'. She orders another glass of champagne from a passing waitress and smiles and waves to the Olsen-twins. Philip gets a call on his cell and while he answers it she small talks with the guy from some hip hop-group she's forgotten the name of.

And maybe Philip is right about her acting, because apart from not being able to stop fiddling with her purse, there isn't one thing in her appearance that gives away how bored she is or how tired she's feeling.

She spots Rachel at the buffet and silently hopes that the redhead will stay over there until she's gotten the information she wants out of Philip, and she taps her Manolo Blanik-clad foot lightly while waiting.

When he finally hangs up, he smiles.

"The flight to Cabo leaves at 7.20 am on Monday morning. The resort is hidden, no press, no tourists. I've booked you for a month, but if you need they'll let you stay longer…"

She's not listening anymore. In her head she's already planning on how to tell Rachel all this. It won't be easy. Maybe tomorrow when they took their Saturday-morning run…

She sips the new glass and is already scanning the room for a possible escape-route when she feels someone's arms around her waist.

"Hey beautiful…"

The voice is hot in her ear and she recognizes it instantly. It's the one of her so-called love-interest, Tony Romo. She turns a little hesitantly in his arms and lets him plant a kiss on her cheek. And her dimples are next to non-existent when she mumbles "Hi…" although he doesn't seem to notice.

"I've missed you, gorgeous… you never called me back today. I thought we were gonna do lunch before your meeting?"

Damn it. She had known that there was something she had forgotten about today.

"I'm sorry. I got caught up. I should have called you."

He smiles and pulls her a little closer. He's cute when he smiles. With that crooked half-smirk and those dimples of his own, and she can't help but smile back. That is until he says;

"It's okay baby… Maybe we can just head out of this boring party and you could make it up to me at your house… I still haven't seen it, you know."

She instantly tenses up again. Of course he hasn't. Her apartment is her safe place, the one place in her hectic life where she can simply be herself, and she likes to keep it that way.

"I can't," she says and offers him a sad shrug. "I have to go over budgets with Rach. But we can do dinner on Monday…"

He seems genuinely disappointed and as a consolation prize she lets him hold her for a little while longer.

"I promise," she adds. "You could come with me to the VA's. It could be fun…"

He loosens up a little when she mentions the MTV awards and she takes the chance to back away a little. As a sports celebrity he's well aware of the cameras around and he doesn't object to be left with just a sisterly kiss on the cheek. After all, the guy probably wanted some kind of private life too. Although lately he's started to act very impatient when they're in less public places, and not that there is something wrong with him, she's just not ready to take things any further.

Honestly she just isn't ready for commitment, and even though Tony is known to be the original wild playboy, she's noticed that he's starting to grow impatient to make their relationship official.

"Call me later when you're in bed?" he says huskily when she's about to leave. "I'll tell you a goodnight-story…"

"Sure."

She quickly finds Rachel and as she glides up beside the redhead she mumbles; "Tony has to go Rachel… it's been almost two months."

"I'll take care of it when you're doing the show with Cavalli in Los Angeles. It's just three more weeks. That way it'll seem more natural that you're breaking up…"

As she listens to Rachel she realizes that there are so many obligations coming up that she hasn't even thought about when she asked Philip to arrange this. Not only the Roberto Cavalli-show, which was the only show she had agreed to participate in as a model this season, but also the start of making the fall designs and then the big annual upcoming designers-show where she had won the rookie-award last year right after she got out of the hospital.

If she would stay the full month, productions would have to be pushed back and they would have to cancel some of the bigger shows where she would have to be on location, but hopefully if would lead to that she'd come back rested and happy. Not the ghost of herself that she had been this last year. And Rachel should understand that, right? Rachel is probably very tired of her constant bitching.

"Well… about that, Rach… I might not be here…" she says hesitantly and the redhead instantly frowns.

"What do you mean Brooke? You have a contract for that show."

She gives Rachel a guilty look. She might as well explain now. There's no use of holding it off until the morning…

---

Lucas runs his fingers through Lindsey's hair and she sighs against his chest. It's almost midnight, and after his shower earlier, and a short while of awkwardness, the dinner and evening had been nothing but pleasant.

Now she has just curled up next to him in bed and he feels content. At least until she looks up at him and asks;

"What happened tonight before dinner? You just spaced out…"

He closes his eyes, tired already just by the thought of the oncoming discussion, and she strokes his cheek. "Lucas?"

"I just really don't like that song…" he mumbles back. "It makes me uncomfortable."

"Why?"

He doesn't have to look at her to know that she's watching him with big innocent eyes. It's not the first time she's come a little too close to dissecting a subject that were long since closed up in his mind.

"Let's not talk so much…" he whispers and pulls her a little closer. "There so many better things we can do."

For a second she looks disappointed, probably because he's so clearly blocking her out of his personal feelings and secrets. And a pang of guilt hits him as a sentence from the past washes over him…

_Why can't you just let me _all_ the way in? _

But Lindsey kisses him. Runs her hands over his skin. And after a couple of seconds the memories fade again until he's back to being fully in the present.

The weirdest thing is that a little later, after he's had sex with his blonde girlfriend and is about to fall asleep at her side, he's almost sure that he hears Lindsey whisper;

"Don't think about her…"

And that's the hard part. Because thinking about _her_ is not something he chooses to do. It's something that just happens. And after this long, he just wishes that it would stop.

--

_I don't know_

_But I don't doubt this isn't you, your cover's blown_

_Oh no, don't you dare hang up this phone_

--

It's still early. Seagulls shriek over them and the sky has that foggy look that is so usual over the Hudson River's long beach line. The breeze isn't the salty one she's used to, and the sounds from the waves is missing, but if she closes her eyes and pretends, she can still hear it mix together with hers and Rachel's rhythmic breaths.

They've been running for a little less than an hour but physically none of them are tired. Their usual route is one of about 90 minutes, but today Rachel seems a little unfocused. So she consciously slows down a little to make it possible for her friend to talk while running if she wants to. She knows Rachel is angry, because last night when they got back from the party, Rachel had just gone to bed without as much as a good night.

The sand is still damp from the tide and it just sinks slightly under her step. Its calm down here, the closest she comes to her hometown's beaches, and she usually comes here for a run at least once a week. Sometimes she brings Rachel, sometimes she comes alone, but either way it always makes her feel better.

"So… As you already know, I'm leaving on Monday," she says as they slow down even more. "But Miranda will handle the whole deal with Harvey Nichols so you don't need to worry about that."

Rachel pulls her sweater up, revealing her toned tummy and bright yellow sports-bra, and wipes her forehead.

"I never worry about business, you know that. Just tell me I won't have to worry about _you_ and we'll be good."

"I've told you that a hundred times already."

"Yeah, we both know that it's the biggest lie of all. And the fact that you thought that you couldn't tell me how bad you needed a break doesn't really make it better, okay?"

They've stopped completely now, and they stubbornly look at each other, both of them still a bit out of breath. She understands that Rachel feels hurt, she would have felt the same if the tables were turned, but then again…

"I asked you to come with me, remember?" she pushes. "I _said_ I wanted to go on vacation and you said that we both needed to stay here. But I _can't_ stay here right now Rach, I need peace and quiet!"

She's sad and irritated at the same time. She wants Rachel to understand that the last weeks of deciding on this have been hell. For the redhead everything seems so black and white. She makes it sound like this is the worst thing she can do.

"I never said you didn't need a vacation Brooke! God, I know that you do, okay? But why do you have to go right now? And why without any warning what so ever? I just need you for two more weeks… How am I going to explain that you disappear right in the middle of the launch, huh? And what are we going to tell Roberto Cavalli?"

The day is beautiful. A marvellous blue skied Saturday morning. And she doesn't want to fight with her best friend just days before leaving. So she just shrugs.

"I'm gonna miss you…" she then says, suddenly realizing that the worst thing with all this will be not to have Rachel around. It'll of course be a huge relief not having to worry about the business since Rachel will manage it while she's gone. But she needs Rachel for so many other things too. Not because she has become her right hand, her PR-manager and her agent all rolled into one, but because she is her best friend.

"You just say that to make me less pissed of…" Rachel mutters and starts jogging again.

"Why would that be?"

"Well, I'm guessing that when you said Monday, you meant the day after tomorrow…"

"Yeah?"

Rachel gives her a look as if she's already answered herself.

"So you're not going to the MTV Awards on Monday night then, even though you've promised me for weeks…"

Then her redhead friend picks up the pace enough for her to get lost behind and spurts off down the beach-line. She tries to keep up but it's useless. Even before her accident and her damaged knee, Rachel had always been the faster runner.

"Rachel!" she calls after her. "I forgot! I'll stay a couple of more days, okay?"

But before the distance between they becomes to big, Rachel calls back;

"Just go Brooke. You wouldn't have gone to the VA's anyways. Go do whatever it is that you have to do. If you need me then you'll know where I'll be…"

She stands there watching as Rachel disappears back to where their car is parked. And she knows that her friend won't drive off until she's in the car with her since she hasn't driven in exactly sixteen months and twenty-three days.

But she has to wait until she's sure that the threatening tears won't fall. Because she hasn't cried in that amount of time either. And out of everything, she's most afraid of starting to cry.

Because if she does, there's a big risk that she'll never stop.

---

_Give me space so I can breath_

_Give me space so I can sleep_

_Give me space so you can't drown in this with me_

_Give me just one inch, I swear that's all I need…_

---

* * *

**Author's note**: I guess you're all wondering where the hell all the BL-scenes went. LOL.  
Well, you've managed to trust me before, right? So have a little patience please…

I was almost teary-eyed when I went through the reviews for the last chapter. It was a particularly hard chapter for me to write and all the wonderful words you all sent me made it feel so much better. But I feel like that's not enough, so therefore:

**Casey** (ImNotMark) I love you to pieces hun! ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS!!! You're the reason i don't go mad while writing and you know it.

**Bri** (Tripnfallbri) what can I say, if not thank you… I'm glad you seem to have faith in me and that you still believe that I will make this my GBTRD of s5 hugs

**Daniel** (FloatingDownARiver) Did you know that your review almost had me in tears? I'm gonna answer your PM and tell you why, but just know that I loved it and that you are a beautiful person. The way you cut out pieces of my writing to show me what you like is soo good. And that beginning of your review. "Sunday morning rain is falling…" It reminds me of this song that I love. And for some reason I see you sitting in a window… Anyway, I love you Daniel. Just so that you know.

**Ellie** (Elliemo) I'm so sorry for making you cry hun. But I loved that review of yours. And I love how you managed to sum up exactly what I tried to show with the chapter. Your one smart reader. I'm glad you decided to trust me to fix BL. It might take some time though.

**Jules**(JULESM24) That song is pure love! And I'm in love with this quote: "I'm powerless to change your world, I'm powerless to stop the hurt, but I give you my heart, give you my shoulder over and over". One more thing I love is your review hun. Thank you so much for taking the time to write so much.

**Isabelle** (Zazou21) Believe me hun, i wanna make Lucas warm up Brooke. But he's so hurt himself. Although you really managed to warm me with that wonderful review. thank you soo soo much.

**Hil** (BrookeScott134) It feels like the good ol' days when you send me sweet reviews like that one. You know what a hard chapter this was for me and I'm so thankful for your support. And as you're talking about things that are amazing; let me name one more. YOU!

**Shaz** (Awhero) thanks for that wonderful review. And the letter will come back. I just need you to know that it's because of reviews like this one that I can write this story at this pace.

**Chelsea** (Brucaschopia4ever) I'm sorry for making you cry sweetie, and I can't fix BL just yet. But be patient. I'll fix them in due time. I'm very glad that you saw right through Brooke though. She's just protecting herself…

**Laura** (Forblueskies89) I told you to read it when you asked for the prologue LOL. Good that Jules got you to finally do it. Thanks for the immensely sweet review. You can flatter my ego anytime :D

**Chebelle** Lucas SHOULD've fought, but sometimes one just can't… thanks for the review and welcome to the story. :D

**McKenna**(Broke.davis)it doesn't sound weird at all and I'm very proud to hear you say that. I love writing pregnant BL, but this story might prove to be good in other ways you know? Thanks so much for a completely lovely review.

**Trish** (OTHbrucas4ever) Don't die Trish. But it would be kind of fun if you went into the story… I mean I can totally see you slap Peyton LOL.

**Cheyenne** (Jeytonbrucasnaley) You know, I actually found it much more sad when you wrote the miscarriage… but I guess that's because I loved your story so much. I hope you know how much all the support meant as I was writing last chapter. I couldn't have done it without that kind of support from you and Casey and Cami… Love you.

**Cami** (B. Davis) I have only one thing to say; I love you.

**Sarah** Welcome to this story It will most certainly become a very different road from the one in GBTRD, I hope you'll stay for the entire ride.

**Britt** No hun, YOU're amazing. I'm sorry that I made you cry, but let me tell you that I always love your reviews… ALWAYS! And I agree; Brooke really is "Brilliant" and "Brave".

**Salma** I'm sorry to say it but then I guess you figured out by now that Brooke really miscarried… I hope you're not mad LOL. Thanks for the review.

**Vicky** (lucas4brooke4ever) LOL are you angry with me? You know I can't have BL-babies popping out in every story I write. But lovely review hun. And I'll make it up to you.

**Ebony** (Jc4127) That goes for you too sweetie. Am I disappointing my FF-girls? I'll fix them, don't worry.

**Azmar**You'll see who he meant, but lets just say that Lucas is not an asshole.

**Eva** (BrownEyes1980) Have I ever let you BL heart down, huh? LOL. Believe me, I don't plan to. Just hang in there.

**Gracie** (Brookebynature) I'll make Lucas fight, don't worry. But I feel like Brooke needs to fight a bit too. She was after all the one that pushed him away, right? I can promise you one thing though. It'll be a looong fic, because I'm done writing almost all the way to chap 12 and I'm not even nearly finished. :D Just remember to UD All I Want For Christmas.

**Ali** (FinallyPJ) I really didn't mean to make you cry like that. And that was a great summary of how they were at the moment: "On one side you have Brooke...and her need for Lucas, but denying that want, putting her barrier up. On the other side you have Lucas...who knows he wants Brookes, knows that she is the woman for him, but still can't get through the barrier around her heart." The good thing is that it isn't over. ;) It has hardly begun…

**Missdenmark** No happy Brucas just yet. But stay tuned LOL

**LBHNluver** No riot please! LOL. And no 5 years either, just 17 months… I guess the suspense on how they meet is still on… thanks :D

**Allie** (Othfan326) I can't put them back together ASAP, but I promise you I'll take you on an eventful BL-journey. And I'll make them fight for each other. Just bare with me.

**Ste** (Stefybboh) Believe me, I hate mark too. And I'd never be him. I promise. Thanks so much for the review.

**Cutiek88**That was a lovely review. And i have totally forgotten to review family honor! Gah!

**Whitney** (Whiters) I didn't mean to rip your heart out. :hugs: I'll put it back together, I promise.

Brucasbrathanbaleybrachel, Brucas True Love, Brucas333, **Bella,**Erikax3, Dolcegrazia, Dayzsollers, Oth rox, Catcat51092, **Savannah**, Daisygirl24, **Jess** (Kaos2405), brucasfan79, **Emily** (Hiddenxtalent), B.P.Davis, LiZ457,** Jem** (Flipflopgal), Princetongirl, xoheartinohioxo

THANK YOU ALL SOOOOO MUCH!!!


	8. I Wanna Go Home

**Author's note**: Title and lyrics for this chapter are from a song by Michael Bublé called 'Home'. That, and the existence of 'thank yous' at the end is all you need to know, I think…

Now on with the story…

-

* * *

-  
**CHAPTER 8 – I Wanna Go Home  
**- 

_Another summer day  
has come and gone away  
in Paris and Rome  
but I want to go home…_

_Maybe surrounded by  
A million people I  
still feel all alone  
and just wanna go home_

_Oh, I miss you, you know…_

-

The sun is hot on Brooke's almost naked body and she stretches out her legs on the sun-bed. Cabo is like a slice of heaven, all perfect beaches, turquoise oceans and endless privacy. Apart from the personal at the villa that Philip has rented for her, she hasn't seen or talked to a single person in fifteen days. And she's finally calming down.

By now she has a golden tan, her nose and upper cheeks are sprinkled with freckles and she feels healthy. She runs on the private beach every morning, eats loads of fruit and wonderful Mexican dishes, and last night she had even slept a full night.

Still, she can't find that inner peace that she's been looking for.

It's not that she feels lonely really, because she has craved this kind of peace and calm for months, but she feels the same emptiness as she's been feeling in New York. The same feeling of having something being missing. And here, with all the time she's had to think, she's finally figured out why.

She misses herself.

Her knee is healed now. Her scars are just light pink lines on her tanned body and physically she's in better shape then ever. But sometimes she finds herself thinking that she must have lost something very important in that accident and the aftermath of it. Maybe even her soul.

She gets up from the sunbed and stretches her lean body before walking barefoot on the warms clinkers down to the pool. And she dives in, slicing the water surface without making a splash, and takes a couple of quick strokes. Exercise has never been a way for her to keep in shape, she never needed to. Her parents seemed to have left her with one great thing and that was a wonderful metabolism. But since the accident she's pretty much become a control-freak, and the fact that she's in Cabo San Lucas doesn't change that.

So lane after lane she swims, and the rhythm comes natural after just a stroke or too. One, breathe in… two, breathe out…

Cabo San _Lucas_.

It's kind of ironic that Philip picked this place. He hasn't met Lucas, probably doesn't even know that the blond boy exists, because she never talks about him. And most of all; Philip has no idea that out of all the things she's trying to bury and forget, Lucas is on top of the list.

She breathes in and dives down under the surface one last time, before coming up again. It must be just a simple coincidence. Rachel can't have told Philip because her redheaded friend knows how much she hates when someone mentions his name.

She squeezes out excessive water from her hair and walks the steps up out of the pool. Grabs the soft towel lying at the poolside and wipes her face, and when she looks up again, squinting against the sun, she sees the cleaning lady coming towards her with her cell phone in her hand.

"Euhm… hola…" she says, raising an eyebrow to show her confusion. That phone hadn't left her nightstand since two days ago when she called to check in with the office. On top of that, the card inside it was old as hell, all the way from high school, and she used it only on occasions like this, when she needed a phone but didn't want to be reached. The only one that had the number was Rachel, and the chances that the redhead would pick up the phone and call her was at the moment slim to none.

"Pardon Señorita Davis, el teléfono no pararía el sonar…"

The woman gives her the tiny phone and even though she has only very basic skills in Spanish, she gets the overall message. Because it's still ringing, angrily.

"Gracias," she says and looks at the display, but the information doesn't make her any wiser. Caller unknown.

She hesitates, fearing that it might be a reporter, but finally the curiosity gets the best of her and she pushes the green button.

"Hello?"

"Brooke?"

The voice on the other end sounds far away, but she'd recognize it anywhere.

"Karen?"

She feels the smile grow on her face, creating the dimples that were really rare these days, and she sits down on the sun-bed. "Aww Karen, I've missed hearing your voice. How are you? How's Lil?"

How could she have forgotten? It's Wednesday today. She always called Karen on Wednesdays, and today marked two weeks in a row when she hadn't.

"Were both good sweetie. But more importantly, how are you? I talked to Rachel and she said you were out of town. Did you finally take that vacation that we talked about?"

"Yeah… actually I'm in Cabo…"

And suddenly, on the patio of a beautiful Mexican villa, with the view of the ocean and the blue sky above, she knows what's missing. What she needs in order to maybe finding that lost piece of herself.

"…but it's not at all what I thought it would be Karen…"

The sigh that unslips her probably says more then the last phrase and Karen answers with a sigh as well.

"My little Brooke… What are we going to do with you? I really miss the happiness in your voice hunnie. Isn't there anything I can do?"

Just hearing Karen worry about her brings her closer to tears then all the stress has lately and she swallows hard. She wishes that she could be completely honest with the older woman that has been so much of a role model for her, but Karen is still Lucas' mother and their close mother and son-bond complicates things. She might have called Karen once a week for months but she still hadn't talked to Lucas since she left the hospital. Not once.

"Don't get me wrong" she says silently. "It's beautiful here. And it's probably good for me to have some peace and quiet. But I thought… god, I don't even know what I'm trying to say… I just know that I need to make a bigger change then going on vacation, and…"

She hesitates, thinking that Karen might object to the whole idea. But she has to try it on someone.

"…and I'm thinking that maybe I should come home to Tree Hill for a while… just for a couple of weeks or so. I've been thinking of opening a store in Charlotte and it's not that far…"

Karen is silent for so long on the other end that she eventually thinks that she has hung up. That Karen hates the idea and that she should've just kept her mouth shut. But then Karen talks again, and her voice is soft.

"You know what Brooke? I would love it if you did. And not just me. Lily wants to meet you, and you know that Haley would be so happy. Maybe alone-time is the absolute opposite to what you need. Maybe you just need your friends and family?"

Unconsciously she nods. "Yeah maybe… but Karen, what about Lucas?"

It's the first time she says his name in a long time and it still stings. A small twinge that turns into a needle stab as Karen softly answers;

"He'll manage. He's a grown man and he has his life. He's still very hurt but he's moved on and you have to think about yourself."

_He has moved on._

She knew this of course, she has known it for over two months. Nathan told her when he came to New York with his team to play against the Knicks.

She had kept in touch with him and Haley over the passed year and a half and although she didn't see them that often they always called when they were in town. Haley never brought up Lucas' name, not since Brooke had told her she never wanted to talk about the blonde boy again, but Nathan sometimes did.

Nathan knew how much she hated to be kept in the dark.

That time, when he passed through for the game, they had just met for a quick coffee, a hug, and some brief catching up. He had been nice enough to keep the Tree Hill-talk down to things that surrounded James, but just before she had to leave to go back to the office he had grabbed her hand over the table.

"_Brooke__, I know you don't want to talk about him… but I thought it was better if you heard this from me or Haley…"_

And even though she tried to stop him he hadn't shed away from the subject. He had been blunt and quick like when ripping off a band-aid and he told her what no one else had the guts to tell. That Lucas Scott lived in Tree Hill again, had done for months, and that he had a girlfriend.

"_I don't care Nathan. He can marry Peyton for all I care…"_

"_It's not Peyton. Her name is Lindsey."_

"_I told you I don't care."_

But that had been a lie. Of course she cared. And she had been damn shocked to find out that he wasn't still with Peyton. That had been the main reason for the way she had banned his name. She hadn't wanted to listen to Haley and Nathan talk about how happy Lucas and Peyton were. The same rules had applied to her weekly phone-calls to Karen. Lucas, and what had happened to cause their total parting of ways, was off limits.

"I don't want to complicate things…" she now says weakly into the phone and stretches out her tanned legs in front of her. "I just miss you guys so much, that's all…"

Karen laughs softly. "We miss you too Brooke. Just pack up and come home. What ever it was that happened, I'm sure that you didn't hurt Lucas on purpose, and maybe things aren't as complicated as they seem."

"Maybe…"

If she only knew…

-

_Another airplane, another sunny place  
I'm lucky, I know…  
but I wanna go home  
I've got to go home_

--

The kitchen in his childhood home is bathing in midday sunlight as Lucas casually strolls in and slumps down on a chair by the kitchen table. It's Friday and he's here to take Lily to the park. He always does on Fridays and Sundays and it's a routine he loves, plus it gives his mother time to get everything ready for their trip.

It's just three weeks left until their plane leaves for Europe and he figures that he has to compensate for the time they'll be away by seeing them twice as much before they go.

Karen is doing a crossword puzzle and when he says "Hi mom" she puts her pen down.

"I sold it to Brooke."

The sentence is clear and to the point, as if the meaning of it should be completely understandable to him, and she sips her coffee while looking up at him.

"What?"

He stares back, trying to figure out what she means. Sold what? To Brooke?

"I sold my business… The café."

One hundred percent sure she's going to tell him she's kidding, he waits. Although, if this is a joke, he can't really see the humour. They haven't talked about Brooke since he came back to Tree Hill, because frankly, he hasn't allowed it. She had tried of course but every time he had just closed up like a clam. Eventually she had given up and Brooke had become the 'unnameable' thing among them all. No one talked about Brooke because that's how he wanted it. No one said her name if it wasn't a necessity, and even then it was mostly done in hushed voices behind his back. Not because it hurt him or because he missed her. He just didn't want to be reminded of the past.

So now, when his mother continues, he just stands there, dumbstruck.

"She calls once a week… to keep in touch and to ask about Lily… and when I talked to her a couple of days ago she told me she needed to make a change in her life. She said she planned on opening a store here, so today I offered her to buy the café. And she said yes."

"Wait, what?" he says and waves for her to stop. "She's making a_clothing-store_ out of the café?"

"Yes."

"And she's planning on living here? In Tree Hill?"

He can't believe that his mother has kept this from him. A couple of_days_ ago? Why hadn't she told him right away?

"_Any strange calls lately? From old friends or loved ones?"_

Damn Nathan. He had obviously known all along too.

"I don't know if she plans to move here, but she'll be coming here in a week or so. Maybe even as soon as on Monday. I just wanted you to know…"

His mom has that half-smile on her face. The one she used when he was a kid and she tried to explain to him that she was just trying to protect him or get him to make the right decisions. And he can't believe that she's using it on him now. As if he's too vulnerable or too immature to handle the return of his ex.

He shakes his head disbelievingly. His mom had talked to Brooke _once a week_? For how long?

"You could have told me this sooner…" he wheezes. "One would think I'd have a say in what you do with our family business."

Karen chuckles and rolls her eyes as if he's being extremely childish. And he is, but he doesn't care. He feels like she's betraying him.

"Family business? You mean that you would have wanted to run the café while Lily and I travelled through Europe for six months? I'm not going back to working when we come back, you know that Luke. Then what would you do? You're a writer, hunnie. You have your own life."

Feelings run amok inside him. Hurt for being lied to, fear of seeing Brooke again, sadness about having the café be a closed chapter in his life. He had after all practically been raised there. And he knows that he shouldn't feel angry. His mom has every right to do whatever she sees fit with her café, but he's just so shocked.

Sixteen months of silence. Sixteen months of trying not to think or feel. More than a whole year's worth keeping away. And now she would just show up as if nothing had happened. Why?

According to the little info he picked up from Haley, Brooke was doing more than well in New York. And even if he hadn't known Brooke, he would still know this. Her face was in every magazine and the tabloids pretty much followed her every step, having a field day every time she set foot outside her door. She had always loved the spotlight and from what he was told her designs were in every young woman's closet. With that life, why would she want to come back to their little hole of a home town?

"And don't worry…" Karen says and puts her empty cup on the table. "She knows about your life. She knows that you're dating…"

His heart just falls down to the pit of his stomach.

Who the hell had told her _that_?

-

_And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you  
each one a line or two  
'I'm fine baby, how are you?'_

_I would send them but I know that it's just not enough  
my words were cold and flat  
and you deserve more than that_

It's almost lunchtime on Friday when Brooke walks lazily down the long white beach. She picks a few seashells here and there, but since she's only wearing her bikini and has nowhere to put them, she throws the multicolored pieces back into the ocean as soon as they get too many to carry.

She wonders if Karen has told Lucas by now. Wonders if he's angry, upset or maybe not bothered at all.

She thinks that it's probably the last alternative. Because according to what she's picked up, he's happy with his life in Tree Hill. And he's not like her, who's struggling to hold herself together. He's much stronger then that.

The sun is hot and she looks down on her naked feet in the sand. The last two days, ever since Karen offered to sell her the café, she's been thinking a lot about the past. She hasn't allowed herself to do that the last year since the experience used to be so painful, but now she starts to realize that maybe, _just maybe_, the scars afflicted to her heart might be healing.

Because she can think of him now without feeling pain. She can think about things they used to do or stuff he had told her, without having to throw herself into other activities or drown the thoughts in masses of alcohol.

Last night she had even thought about calling him, a thought that hadn't occurred to her since last Christmas when she was drunk off her ass. But then she remembered that he had a girlfriend now, and she had just figured that it would be weird. He would probably just hang up on her.

She sits down on the warm sand and digs her toes into it. Leans back on her elbows and breathes in the fresh ocean air. It's insane to leave a place like this, but after almost three weeks of utter relaxation she knows.

None of her demons will disappear because she sunbathes in Mexico. No issues will be resolved because she picks seashells and breathes fresh air.

She's lost, homesick and misses her friends, and she needs to face Lucas.

And it has to be done before she chickens out again and changes her mind. Lord knows she has done that too many times already…

She thinks about the stack of letters that she had tried writing him a year ago. The ones that are still hidden at home in her New York apartment. It's a random bunch of sentences, written on all from traditional letter paper to postcards or napkins, but none of them had ever gotten sent. Mostly because none of them held the explanation she knew he needed, and also because back then she didn't even know where to send them.

She didn't have his New York address since she had never been in his apartment, and the one time, _the only time_, she called his number, she just got a pre-recorded message that the number was no longer in use.

Later she figured that it was for the best. If he would have answered she would probably have hung up the phone. She had nothing to say to him anymore, she only called because missed his voice.

--

Sunday dinner at Karen's house is tense. It's been two days but Lucas can't stop thinking of the discussion he had with his mother on Friday and Lindsey seems strangely quiet. He had finally told her the news on the way over in the car, after three days of dwelling the subject, since he figured that his mom would probably bring it up while they ate.

"Pass me the potatoes, will you Lil?"

His sister, who happens to be a very bright almost four year old, juts her bottom lip out in a pouty fashion and pushes the bowl towards him. But then she pokes her tongue out at him and he sighs.

"What?"

"You're no fun."

He knows he's not. He should have taken her to the park earlier but after the news about Brooke's return he had just gone straight home. Pretty much just sulked for three days straight. And usually he plays with his sister, tickles her and throws her high up in the air, but tonight he's just not in the mood.

"I'm tired Lily. It's been a long day. We'll play tomorrow, okay?"

Coming here had been a bad idea. He's still annoyed with his mother and he tries his best not to show it. He knows that he can't lash out on either her or Lindsey, since none of them are to blame, and now his bad mood seems to have spilled even on his little sister. Disgusted with himself he sighs again and leans over the table.

"Princess…"

Lily still pouts but she softens a little when he makes a silly face.

"You're stupid" she says and stifles a giggle before throwing a piece of salad at him, and he can hear Lindsey mumble "I agree."

He looks at the blonde out of the corner of his eye and she seems even more grumpy than his baby-sister. And for the twentieth time tonight he wonders how Brooke could decide to do something like this. Didn't she understand that she would be making life difficult for more than just him?

_Lindsey_ is his girlfriend now. He has chosen to be with her and it's obvious that she finds all this hurtful and confusing. His pissy mood, the way he has looked himself in his study for three nights saying he had to write, although his laptop was still outside placed on the kitchen table. The way he hadn't really touched her since Wednesday morning before he went to his mom's house.

And after he had told her in the car on the way over here, she had merely said a word.

"_I used to date Brooke Davis… she was the girl in the car accident… and now, according to my mom, she's coming back…"_

"_Oh…"_

Usually Lindsey had a witty comeback. A snappy response. But tonight she just fell silent and looked out the window. And he had just let her, thinking that she probably needed time to piece together this new information together with the tiny fragments she had pulled out of him during the last months.

Although those fragments had been next to non-existing.

He met Lindsey when he first got back to Tree Hill. She was the junior publisher at the company that had decided to publish his second book and she was the only employee under forty. Therefore they had been seated together on a dinner held for new authors and it had kind of just taken off from there.

He didn't talk much during that dinner, still bitter and hurt over the way things had ended with Brooke, but Lindsey didn't seem to mind his sullen mood and at the end of the night he had actually found himself smiling a little.

In the weeks that followed he met her a lot. Most of the times it was for pure business, but more and more often he stuck around for coffee or a talk. She was a relief to be around. Easygoing, sweet and most of all; not in anyway connected to Brooke. And when other people just reminded him of the dimpled brunette that broke his heart, she actually did the opposite.

With her blond hair she probably looked more like Peyton.

However, when it became clear that she wanted something more than being friends he panicked. He wasn't sure if he could ever get over Brooke. But Lindsey was very persistent and one night he simply sat her down and explained that he wasn't boyfriend material. _"I'm broken"_ he had said, as if that explained everything. _"I can't feel…"_

He never said anything about meeting a sexy little cheerleader in high school and losing his heart to her. He didn't say a word about meeting her again in New York or about the accident and aftermath. The only thing he said to Lindsey was that he wasn't sure if he'd ever feel again. He _never_ mentioned the name 'Brooke Davis.'

He guessed that she would make that connection herself. Figured that if they kept seeing each other the way they had, then his friends would eventually tell her the story. And she was after all his publisher and had probably read his first book as well.

But later he realized that no one ever told, and that she hadn't connected the dots at all.

Lindsey had said that she understood. That she didn't want anything serious or exclusive, and slowly she managed to get him to crawl out his shell.

And three months after they had met at that dinner, he slept with her, surprised to notice that it felt good.

Being with someone else took the edge of the pain so he kept going back and a month later he suddenly found himself in what seemed to be a relationship. Along the road she pried some information out of him. Facts like the one that he had once been madly in love with a girl. Or that he had terrible nightmares of car crashes.

And one night, when he was especially vulnerable, he had told her about his fear of being left behind. She had hugged him close, told him that she'd never leave him and that when ever he felt ready to feel again she'd be there…

Looking back, he knows that the lie had started there, but it was so much easier to pretend than to wake up every morning and handle the reality.

Once he had started, stopping became a much harder thing than he thought. Haley was the only one that questioned his decisions out loud, but he knew that Nathan and Mouth wondered too. His mother surprisingly, kept out of his business, and welcomed Lindsey into the family in a pleasant way.

At least up until the day when Lindsey commented a tabloid headline…

"_Jesus" Lindsey muttered and flopped the magazine down onto the coffee table on his mothers porch. "Doesn't these rich girls ever learn? Look at this; 'Catwalk-icon stars in her own red carpet show'… Seriously, get a room… " _

_Karen chuckled a bit and leaned in to look at the page where Lindsey pointed. And then his mother's face suddenly froze._

"_You shouldn't believe everything you read…" she muttered and turned back to her crossword puzzle. "The paparazzi make a lot up to create headlines."_

"_Yeah, you're right. But not when it comes to this self proclaimed princess… She's the tabloid's favorite and I just thinks it's a little pathetic the way they follow her around. If she knows that there are cameras around, then why act this way?"_

_Lindsey seemed genuinely curious but Karen's mood just seemed to grow worse._

"_One shouldn't speculate about people one doesn't know. It's not a very nice quality to believe in gossip. There is probably a lot that we don't know about this girl and…"_

"_Mom," he interrupted, surprised at the way she was biting Lindsey's head off. Karen and Lindsey usually got along fine. "What's the big deal? It's just Hollywood gossip, right?"_

_He shrugged and was just going to go back to reading his book when he saw the tense look on his mother's face. "Actually no" she said and turned the magazine towards him. "It's New York gossip, and frankly I think it's tasteless to dissect the life of someone you know nothing about."_

_With that she stood up and brought her stuff inside. Lindsey looked at him with an expression saying 'what the hell was that' and he shrugged and looked down at the tabloid-article._

_And then it all became clear._

_It was like a sucker-punch right in the gut, seeing her laughing face blown up all over the page. Brooke. On the red carpet at some premiere, looking like a million bucks and caught in the arms of some male model that he knew he should know the name of. She looked drunk but happy and the guy had his smirking lips pressed against the naked skin on her neck._

_He quickly averted his eyes, but like a true martyr he looked back just as quickly._

"_It's Brooke Davis" Lindsey explained, not knowing better. "She's in the media's eye all the time right now. She's this newbie famous fashion icon. And apparently she wants everyone to know that she's dating Nicholas De Bruin at the moment."_

_He nodded silently, not being able to take his eyes from Brooke's picture._

"_I know who she is," he mumbled. "And don't mind my mom… She's just not that fond of gossip." _

_Slowly he forced himself to close the magazine, but not before taking one last look at the brunette's dimpled face. There was something missing, he just couldn't figure out what it was._

His mom was less nice to Lindsey that evening and he remembers thinking that it was unfair. Lindsey had no clue. But then again he could have easily told her why his mother had overreacted, and now, as they finish their dinner at his moms house, less then a day away from Brooke pending return, he feels as though maybe everything around him is moving to quickly.

"Mom, I'm sorry…" he says and wipes his mouth with his napkin. "I'm really tired and Lindsey and I should think about heading home."

His mother nods and she has that mysterious look again. A weird mix between worry, understanding and a knowing smile. He turns his own gaze to the table surface and breathes in, hating that he can read that look and knowing that his mom can see how confused he's feeling.

And as they drive home a little while later he's also starting to see why he didn't tell Lindsey the whole story about Brooke. Because her jealousy is no longer buried under a layer of well-masked politeness.

"So does this mean we're over?"

Her words cut the silence and he moves his eyes from the road to her face.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the infamous _Brooke Davis_ will be back tomorrow… It's what you've been waiting for, right?"

She's probing, testing the waters, and it annoys him somehow. "Don't be silly Linds" he mutters, but frankly he just wants to say 'shut up!' She has no idea of how confused he feels about today and her whiny tone is seriously getting painful.

"Am I?" she continues. "Am I being silly? I don't know Lucas… You have hardly looked at me all night. You haven't touched me in days… I'm just wondering…"

The whinier her tone gets the harder he clutches the steering wheel. If she continued this, then tonight would result in their first really big fight.

"Maybe you should sleep at your place tonight" he says and turns to take a different route then he first planned. "I think that's better for both of us."

She doesn't answer. She just looks out the window with a hurt expression on her face. Within five minutes they reach the same apartment-complex where Nathan and Haley used to live. _Where Brooke once lived… _And he stops outside to let her off, saying; "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"

There's still no answer and he watches as she gets out of the car and slams the door shut behind her before disappearing over the empty parking lot. He feels bad for her, he does, but she has to understand that this, Brooke Davis coming back, is a sore point of emotion for him.

He turns the engine on, but then, before pulling the shift into gear, he changes his mind and turns it off again. What the hell was he doing? Lindsey had been there for him all these months and not once had she complained when he became distant or emotionally unavailable. Now, as a thank you, he's ready to let her walk of as if he doesn't care at all. It's not fair to her.

Sighing, he gets out of the car too. Walks over the parking-lot that Lindsey has just crossed and stalls a bit before knocking on the door. She opens it hesitantly and he thinks he can spot tears in her eyes, but since she hardly looks at him, just turns and walks back into the living-room, he can't be sure.

"I'm sorry Linds…" he says and follows her, "I didn't mean to take this out on you."

She mumbles something that sounds as "It's okay" and slumps down on the couch. He sits down beside her, putting his arm around her shoulders, and after a little while she cuddles up on him.

"You wanna watch a movie?" she asks silently and he nods, knowing that she just wants to erase the last couple of days and pretend as if everything is 'normal'.

She smells good. Fresh like citrus or maybe pear. Her blonde hair tickles his cheek as he leans his head onto hers and she lets out an almost inaudible sigh. He also wants to go back to where they've been, because they've been good lately, and he's felt safe with her. Maybe all the emotional confusion the last couple of days was just him being stupid?

After all, he hasn't talked to Brooke in over a year. She had shown him that she didn't want him and she had moved on long ago. After she had broken up with that model he saw her with in the magazine, she had been connected with a long line of guys. Last he heard she had apparently started dating a football player, and according to the media she was very much in love.

He watches as Lindsey gets up and walks over to the shelf harbouring her dvd's. She looks good in her tight sweatpants and an ordinary tank-top and he smiles, thinking that he'll just have to shake the thoughts of Brooke off. He's supposed to be over her. And up until today he hadn't thought about her for a long time. Even in weeks maybe. Seeing her would of course be strange, maybe even hard, but he'd manage. He'd have Lindsey.

And it's time that he makes a conscious choice.

He likes the blonde that's now flipping through the different movies. She's easy to understand in a way that Brooke has never been. She trusts him. She shows that she wants to be with him. And most importantly; she doesn't push him away. Lately she's even told him that she loves him.

But then Lindsey turns and says;

"How about 'Bring it on'? I've always wanted to be a cheerleader."

And everything comes crashing down again, his head filling with memories of Brooke during their high school years.

Why did life have to be so hard?

He sneaks a quick look at his wristwatch. It's 10.46 pm. Counting from tomorrow morning, it would probably be worse.

---

_  
It'll all be alright  
I'll be home tonight  
I'm coming home…_

I Cabo, Brooke boards the airplane and takes her seat in first class. She declines the complimentary champagne, dry-swallows two Rozerem and makes herself comfortable. The sleeping pills doesn't really work, she's taken too many over the last year to get any real effect, but at least they make her drowsy, and if she's lucky she'll sleep for an hour or two.

For the first time in months she doesn't bother to get any work done and she doesn't even retrieve her laptop from her bag. Instead she asks the stewardess for an extra blanket before curling up in the big seat. It's dark outside and when they've finally lifted she starts to feel the sought after tiredness.

Contently she leans back, and before she lets her eyes fall closed she checks her phone.

10.47 pm.

She'd be home before morning.

-------

* * *

**Author's note**: Still no real BL-encounter, and I bet you're starting to get anxious, but hold your breath because Brooke is stepping off the plane in Tree Hill as we speak. And since I'm finishing off chap 9 as of this moment, I can assure you that there will be plenty of BL in the next update. Talking about BL-scenes… I was so sure that you would all just go "yeah whatever… great update…" in your reviews. But instead you outdid yourselves, giving me so many long reviews that I still feel all warm and tingly just by thinking of it. 

**Casey** (ImNotMark) and **Cami** (B. Davis) Thank you both for all the work you put in. I'd be a mess without you guys!!

**Emma** (brucasnaleyjeyton) The same goes to you baby. Now, give me Soon Enough before I scream LOL

**Daniel** (FloatingDownARiver) You've outdone yourself in review-length this time, love. And of course I'm in awe. I wish I would have seen you more on the thread this week, because then I would have told you more than once how much I appreciate this, but I always seem to miss you LOL. Again, I love when you cut out pieces of my writing to tell me what you liked. Don't be afraid to do the opposite too and tell me what you dislike, just like you did with the whiskey. And I agree, Brooke is not a whiskey kind of girl, but nightmares calls for hard liquor, not cocktails LOL and one grabs what one has at home. :D Love you, hun, and thanks again.

**Bri** (Tripnfallbri) Your review weren't late hun LOL… and it was looong and you know how much I love that. Since you loved the Lucas/Nathan-scene I'm happy to tell you that they keep coming throughout the story. I love their brother-bond too :D I guess you figured out that BL wont meet in Cabo though LOL Thanks so much.

**Ellie** (Elliemo) Ell, my sweet. Are you disappointed? No BL now either… LOL I'm glad you trust me though and I loved that review of yours. About your wish-list: No of those things happened in this but at least there's BL in the next chapter. ;) (although I doubt I'll be able to grant your wish of Brooke going; "Omg, I love you!" Thank youfor the amazing review hun.

**Jules**(JULESM24) Hunnie! I love that you love how I write Brooke, and since we both love Brooke… what can go wrong? LOL But I'm sorry for not bringing you any BL yet again and no BR either. But it'll come. BL meeting is coming up sooner than you'll think ;) And Jules, don't ever say sorry for leaving me long reviews. I LOVE THEM :D

**Michaela** (Mixs) I love you hun. Thanks for putting up with my rambling.

**Isabelle** (Zazou21) Thank you for the long review. I really felt that you had read my chapter and thought about what I wanted to portray. Thank you so much.

**Z** (ariadnescurse) Beautiful review. And it felt so good to read this: "The establishment of a safe, base routine, the refusal to feel, the lack of attachment...all things that were compounded by the fact that Brooke was already there before she'd even had the accident." You really read between the lines and understood what I'm trying to do. I also want to tell you that I know exactly how painful it is to rediscover a lost writing-skill, but it gets better. And judging by the writing in your story, you've already found yours. :D

**Hannie** (wishinonastar) Sorry for confusing you buddy LOL it was never my purpose. But you just give me the loveliest reviews and you know I love you ;). I'll make it up to you with BL in the next chapter.

**Loes** (loezzzje) Sweetie! You've caught up finally LOL. I'm glad I can entertain you on your way to work. Thanks baby.

**Hil** (BrookeScott134) I love what you said about the movie-scene hun. I felt so proud reading that. And I'm working on GBTRD, I promise :D  
Now, when are you giving me that new story?

**Britt** ULTIMATE Favorite stories, huh:D I love you! I'm sorry for sleep-depriving you when you have school, and to make it up to you I promise to stay up all night tonight writing. Also, I never realized how great the lyrics for "For Blue Skies" fit this story… Thanks baby.

**Chelsea** (Brucaschopia4ever) Two reviews:D That's awesome LOL Brooke is broken and Lucas too, but what is a BL-story without some angst, huh? I'll make it up to you later, because when you say "you write the best reactions and emotions of brooke and lucas that i've ever seen" I just want to jump with joy. Thanks!!!

**Chebelle** Brooke went away but now she's closing up the distance :D They'll be in the same town soon. Thank you for your continued support.

**McKenna**(Broke.davis) LOL I hope you can be a bad BL-supporter and once again not notice that there were no BL-scenes in this. Because I loved your review and I don't want to miss out. :D On the GBTRD-account, update is in the writing. It's harder for me to write that story right now for several reasons, but I'm working on it.

**Trish** (OTHbrucas4ever) Breathe Trish, breeeaathe! As you see, so far no evil Peyton-alert. And since Lucas refuses to 'come back', I'll just have to bring Brooke to him, don't I? I agree on the Jon Foster-note though, but Tony is not a permanent thing and I didn't want to hurt fantasy-Jon LOL. I love your reviews, they're always so funny :D

**Cheyenne** (Jeytonbrucasnaley) What do you mean 'grounding'? I haven't seen you in ages sweetie, are you grounded? Well, I always love your reviews and I hope you'll be back soon.

**Vicky** (lucas4brooke4ever) I know that you miss GEFL… believe me, I miss it too. And I've already decided to dedicate my Christmas holiday to it. Hopefully an update of that story will make up for the lack of BL in this chapter. But you still love me right? ;)

**Ebony** (Jc4127) Don't worry. I hate Peyton too. LOL No chance of LP in this story, believe me. What's happened to the letter is a secret so far but I'm glad to see that you're keeping track of details ;) Thanks for all the support hun.

**Gracie** (Brookebynature) LOL Gracie, I'm ready to spoil you again, just get on msn. Thanks for reviewing hun, and get to work on the Callalily-update. ;)

**Ali** (FinallyPJ) Everything does have to come full circle...with a few bumps in the road, it's just that sometimes those bumps are huge… thanks for your review hun. ;) They'll get through this, don't you think?

**Missdenmark** No meeting in Cabo, although after reading all your reviews after last update I agree that it could have been an exiting twist. I promise you BL-scenes in the next chapter though. Thanks for the review, hun.

**Allie** (Othfan326) We'll just have to see what happens when she sees Lucas, wont we ;) Thank so much.

**Erika**(Erikax3) LOL I thought it was fun to put Tony in the story and I totally agree with you when you say "but if he can't be with Brooke then I'd rather him be with someone else other than Peyton". I think that if he goes back to Peyton then he'll lose Brooke forever. Thanks for the review.

**Ste** (Stefybboh) You're right, Brooke does need Lucas, but sometimes things aren't that easy. It'll be a long road but since I've already dropped everything in my life and am now even writing secretly at work, it'll go quick LOL Thanks for the review.

**LittleMissSunshine21**: thanks for that sweet review and I'm glad you like long chapters, because I'm really bad at short ones. GBTRD coming up soon, but that story has more of monthly updates LOL

**Emily** (Hiddenxtalent) I totally agree LOL Brucas is definitely the hole point of the show!

**Treehilldreams**: Don't worry, I LOVE sappy:D

**Whitney** (Whiters), **Brucasbrathanbaleybrachel**, **Brucasss**, **Brucas True Love**,**BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE**, **Brucas333**, **Bella,****Daisygirl24**, **Brucas2006**, **LiZ457**,** Jem** (Flipflopgal), **Brucasgrl15**

THANK YOU ALL SOOOOO MUCH!!!

And to **Princetongirl**; Dude, that was seriously the weirdest review so far, LOL but thanks anyway.


	9. I Guess I Oughta Walk Away

**Author's note:** No time to write a really lengthy note this time since it's way too late for me. I just want to wish you all a great 2008 and I hope that you all stick to this story. Title and lyrics are from the Red Hot Chili Peppers-song 'Hey' (which I know you love Michaela). Much Love.

* * *

**-  
****CHAPTER 9 – ****I guess I oughta walk away****  
****-**

_W__on't somebody come along  
and teach me how to keep it alive  
To survive_

_Come along and show me something  
that I never knew in your eyes  
Take away the tourniquet_

_- _

The New Brunswick airport is so much smaller than Brooke remembers. Compared to JFK, La Guardia, LAX and all the other big airports she's flown through the last couple of years, it almost seems a little pathetic. But in a way, it's smallness contributes the strange but safe feeling that being home gives her, and as she stands waiting for her luggage she realizes that she doesn't even need her sunglasses. Maybe it's just luck, but people honestly don't seem to recognize her here.

It takes less then an hour to get her bags, find a cab and get to the hotel. Yet when she walks into the penthouse suite she feels totally exhausted. She's been tense like a violin-string, worried that she'll just bump into someone that she knows. And it's not as if she's trying to hide, she guesses that Karen has told everyone that she'll be here today.

"_I just wanted to tell you that the money is being transferred as we speak. It should be on your account by the evening."_

"_That's great hun, when can we expect you home?"_

"_Monday morning. It's going to be so nice to see you Karen."_

"_Can I tell Lucas that you're coming then?"_

"_Do what you feel is best…"_

It's not that she wants to hide. She just needs to mentally prepare a bit first.

The room is nice and she spends another hour with having room-service breakfast and with unpacking. She should probably catch up on some sleep as well but she's much too wired for that. She also needs to get in touch with the office, because she hasn't checked in for over a week. It's just that she knows that when Rachel finds out that she's down here all hell will break loose and she's not ready for that yet. But she figures that within the next couple of days, someone in finance will realize that there's a huge amount of money transferred to a certain Ms Karen Roe and when that happens, Rachel will find out either way.

So instead of worrying she decides to take a walk. Maybe take a look around town for some inspiration on how to remodel the café and find a new place to have coffee.

But before she goes she does what Rachel's taught her to do at every hotel. She calls down to the reception desk and explains the value of her privacy and how she will reward the crew if that privacy remains kept. She really doesn't want press here.

It's enough to handle all the present demons of her past.

-

"She's coming home today, isn't she?"

They're just finishing up lunch at the Scott beach house and Lucas helps Haley to clear the table as Nathan and Lindsey small-talks. They've all kept away from the subject of Brooke's pending return but apparently Haley is tired of faking it, because she asks the question in a straight forward way that leaves no room for squirming.

"Yeah, according to mom she's landed already. She was supposed to come with the 9 am flight."

Haley smiles, and he can tell that she's much more exited than she lets on. He understands why, Brooke hasn't been to Tree Hill in over three years, but he can't make himself return the smile.

"I'm sorry Hales… I know you look forward to seeing her. I just don't want to talk about her. I'm over her and it just feels like she's coming home to stir shit up. Plus, I don't like that she's making a clothing store out of mom's café…"

And he really doesn't. But most of all he scared that seeing Brooke will change everything. Even if he hardly wants to admit this, even to himself.

Haley just sighs and puts the last plates in the dishwasher. James runs between the kitchen and the living room and when he comes running the forth time, Haley grabs him.

"Hey mister, what have I told you about running indoors, huh?"

"No running unless it's a fire or we're _really_ late."

"That's right. And is the house burning?"

The little boy shakes his head seriously. "No."

"And are we late?" Haley asks with a meaning expression.

This time James nods and Haley raises an eyebrow. "Oh, really? Late to where?"

"To see auntie Brooke. Uncle Lucas said she came at nine. I asked daddy and it's past twelve now. We're really late mom. Really, _really_ late…"

He can't help but smile at the way his nephew arguments his case. Sometimes he seems so much older than Lily even though they're born on the same day. But it pains him that the almost 4-year old seem to have really missed his godmother, and that he seems to know her pretty well. It pains him because it tells him that Haley, Nathan and James must have seen Brooke more than once since the accident.

James crawls up into his lap and pulls his cheeks out to create a funny face. Then he laughs.

"You look funny Uncle Luke. Are you gonna come see Aunt Brooke as well?"

He shakes his head, unable to talk since his face is stretched out to the limit, and when James finally lets go of his skin he says,

"No, Lindsey and I are going home. You get to go with mommy, after you've dropped off daddy at the airport."

Haley watches him silently, leaned against the kitchen counter. Her face is somewhat worried and he feels a little annoyed. It irritates him that they all seem to pity him. Looking at him as if he is a small child that is too vulnerable to be told the truth. And when James jumps down on the floor again and runs back to living room, he looks at her sternly.

"Stop looking at me like that Hales. I just don't want to see her."

"But you haven't talked to her in almost a year and a half Lucas. I still don't know what happened between you, since you don't want to talk about it but I…"

He puts his hand up to stop her.

"I still don't. What happened between me and Brooke is a closed chapter. Just leave it alone, okay?"

"But I…"

"No, Haley."

He stands up from the chair and then calls for Lindsey that it's time for them to leave. She answers "Okay" from inside the living room and he looks at Haley one last time.

"Go see her. Have fun, catch up and let James get reacquainted with her. But don't talk about me. And don't try and force me to see her. I'm serious Haley."

His childhood friend looks disappointed but she nods. Lindsey comes out into the kitchen and thanks Haley for a delicious lunch before offering her a hug good bye. He does the same, but the hug feels stiff. And then they leave.

They've walked to Haley's and Nathan's place and for a while he contemplates taking a cab back, but Lindsey intertwines her fingers with his and smiles.

"It's beautiful outside" she says and leans her head onto his shoulder. "Let's go down to the river."

"Sure" he answers, already feeling the irritation roll off him. "We can get coffee on the way there…"

_I used to be so full of my confidence,  
I used to know just what I wanted and just where to go.  
More than ever I could use a coincidence,  
But now I walk alone and talk about it when I know._

-

It's a nice day. Not cold but fresh, and the sun is shining from clear skies. Brooke has taken the long route, passing her old home, Rachel's parents mansion and Nathan's childhood house. She's stayed clear of the bigger streets, not wanting to be recognized, but she's gone by the old high school.

The building seemed so much smaller then she remembered it, but then again all of Tree Hill seems smaller. After two years of being surrounded by endless skyscrapers her sense of proportions must have been altered.

After walking the schoolyard for a while and standing outside of the gymnasium thinking of past times, she heads towards the River Court-park.

She thinks that if she can handle that without feeling sad, she'll be ready to go see Haley and Nathan. The River court has a special place in her heart, and it holds so many memories…

As she gets closer she can actually feel herself holding her breath. This exact path was where she walked with Lucas the morning after they got together the second time and he had just told her that he loved her. And in the little opening behind the trees on the left side, that's where Nathan had found them halfnaked making out, and claimed that he would be forever scared by the sight.

Then she reaches the basketball court and she's happy to see that it hasn't changed. It's still the same square of tarmac, and it still has the faded drawings on it where they all signed their names four years ago. The picnic table is still there too and she smiles when she sees that a couple is sitting on it.

Just like Lucas and I used to do, she thinks and walks a little closer.

And that's when she realizes that the guy sitting with his arm draped around the girl, _is_ Lucas.

She guesses that she should just walk away. Meeting Lucas like this is not what she has planned. She's been hoping that maybe, after settling in a bit, she could call him on the phone and ask if he_wanted_ to meet her. She had never planned on just bumping into him like this. So she turns and starts walking back along the park-path, but then his voice stops her.

"Brooke?"

She freezes in the middle of her step and hesitantly turns. She can't decide if she's glad that he's spotted her or if she really wanted to just slip away unnoticed.

With concentration on keeping her voice from shaking she looks up and says "Hi… Lucas."

The blond girl at Lucas' side looks at her curiously and she looks back for a second before turning her eyes to the blond boy that she's been avoiding for so long. He looks like he's seeing a ghost, but he's still holding the other girl's hand and the picture is like a sharp knife twisting her insides.

"Long time no see," she says, forcing herself to sound casual and nonchalant, and he slowly nods. "How've you been?"

"Good. And you?"

She hears their emotionless exchange of words as from the outside and it sounds like they are distant business acquaintances, not ex-lovers with a history longer than time itself.

"Fine. Busy and such… but good."

There's so much she wants to say. But Lucas' face is cold and emotionless and she doesn't know how or where to start.

He looks so different, yet so much like the Lucas she knew before, and when he squints at her she has to look away. Because looking at him actually hurts.

The girl at Lucas' side clears her throat and he turns his head in surprise and looks at her as if he's totally forgotten that she's there.

"Uhm… Brooke, this is Lindsey… my girlfriend…"

The knife twists even deeper.

"Oh… hi…" Her brain forces her to extend her right hand and shake the outstretched hand of the blonde. "Nice to meet you. I'm Brooke Davis."

"I know."

Tension is thick and the conversation kind of stops there. There's nothing to say and the silence makes it even more evident that so much time has passed. Finally she manages to tear her eyes from his and she pretends to look at her watch.

"Well, I really have to go. But again, nice meeting you."

The blonde girl, Lindsey, just nods, and Lucas stays silent too.

Then she turns and walks back the way she came from, and as she does she can feel two pairs of eyes following her. Although she really just cares about one.

Without even knowing how, she makes it back to the hotel. She walks in a daze, and if it wasn't for the fact that she's grown up in this town, she's pretty sure that she wouldn't have found her way.

When she gets into the lobby she's suddenly aware of all the people around her and even though she's used to the crowded streets of New York city, she feels her throat closing up and her chest tightening as if she's about to have a panic-attack.

The elevator ride seems to take hours and then, with seconds to spare, she makes it into her hotel-suite's adjoining bathroom and just about gets the lid to the toilet open, before she throws up and empties her stomach's contents of both airplane and hotel breakfast.

Five minutes later she's still dry heaving and it's more than evident;

If this is her reaction to seeing her blond ex-boyfriend for just a couple of minutes, then she's _clearly NOT_ over Lucas Scott…

She slides down on the cold clinkered floor and leans her head to the wall. Lucas has a life. He has moved on and he has a girlfriend. She had known this, but it's not until now that she realizes that it's true.

Still, there are no tears.

---

It's a very quiet afternoon between Lucas and Lindsey. She pouts and he reassures her that he's over Brooke but she keeps mumbling stuff like "I still wonder how you think I'll ever be able to compete with someone like _her_?" or "Nice of you to forget I was there…"

And he tries to tell her that that wasn't the case, he really does, but she doesn't even seem to want to hear it. Of course it was weird to see Brooke, she had been so distant and 'cold'. And on top of this it's really tiresome to keep up the happy face and to not just scream out in frustration over Lindsey's insecurities. He hasn't asked Brooke to come back. He doesn't want her here more than Lindsey does, but he can't tell her to leave since that means that he has to have a real conversation with her, and for now that's pretty much out of the question.

Finally he gets tired of trying to sweet-talk Lindsey and goes into his study. He wants to be alone for a while and he figures that his girlfriend just needs to cool off a bit. This is weird for her as well, especially since she doesn't know why he feels so awkward around his ex. So he stays in there and does his best to not think of brunettes with scars. And when he comes back out an hour later Lindsey has gone home.

He spends a couple of hours on his porch, reading and trying to just forget about the morning's events, but it's hard when sitting alone, so after calling Haley without getting an answer, he drives by the flourist and picks up a bouquet of flowers before going to Lindsey's apartment.

She looks happy to see him and he silently mumbles that he doesn't want to argue but could they please just pretend like the morning never happened? She says "Alright" and pulls him in for a kiss. And he closes his eyes and relishes the feeling of 'normal'.

He had known that seeing Brooke would be awkward, but it would get better with time…

He just has to stay clear of her. She'd leave soon anyway.

---

A couple of days pass.

Brooke makes sure that she doesn't run into Lucas again but spends a lot of time with Haley and James, reacquainting herself with her amazing little godson. And she visits Karen and Lily of course.

It's weird to hang out in Lucas' old childhood home and maybe Karen understands that, because the woman that's been such a role-model for her often offers to meet at more neutral places and she never brings up his name. Lily does a couple of times, but she's just a little kid and she doesn't know about the past.

She even has lunch with the six months along pregnant Bevin, who's the only one that doesn't seem to realize that she has been practically missing for over a year. Then again, Bevin was never the one to analyze things.

Today is the day when she's going to get the keys to the café from Karen but it's not until three o'clock. Haley is at work and James at preschool so she decides to have a day for herself and to go down to the hotel gym before having nice lunch down in the restaurant. She has of course had her usual run every morning but today she's going for the whole nine yards with a complete work-out, a couple of laps in the pool and maybe even a massage.

The hotel is a lot nicer than she's thought it would be. She had thought that a little town like Tree Hill wouldn't think so much on keeping standards for people with money, but it seemed like the richer part of town was branching out. Her suite is excellent and so is the bar and restaurant, but she had still been shocked to see the fancy recreation area the second morning. It's almost as nice as the gym she uses back in New York.

She still hasn't talked to Rachel. It's been twenty-two days since she left New York, almost five days since she left Cabo, and right now her office has no idea where she is. Neither does the media, or her mother. She has e-mailed both Philip and Rachel, checking in on figures and deadlines and letting them know she's alive, but she hasn't told them where to find her.

Philip answered her questions right away, without asking any in return. Rachel's response had been one sentence long: _When in the hell are you coming back?_

She misses the redhead too.

She undresses in the sparsely furnished locker-room and heads out into the gym's reception area. Finds a personal trainer, who must be gay because he instantly recognizes her and starts throwing compliment after compliment at her fall-line instead of checking out her cleavage or ass, and she tells him what she needs.

"But we don't usually play music in the gym Miss Davis…"

"Well could you? For me?"

She leans her head a bit to the side and bats her eyelashes, and he nods quickly. Maybe the guy wasn't gay after all.

"Of course. No problem Miss Davis. Is there a certain type of music you want to hear?"

"I'd go for some Justin Timberlake."

"Sure. Anything else?"

She looks around and is just about to say that she'll be perfectly fine and that he has done more than enough already, when she sees a dark head of hair over by the weight-lifting bench.

"Actually" she says and smiles, "could you ask that hot guy over there if he minds spotting me while I lift?"

Now the trainer-guy seems a little embarrassed.

"Euhm… I'm sorry, we're not supposed to bother him. He pays for privacy, just like you."

"Just ask him?"

She pouts her lips a little, using her old high school antics, and this time the guy looks down her cleavage. Check. Not gay, probably just a hardcore fashion-victim.

"Okay…"

She watches him walk over and say something to the other guy who looks thoroughly annoyed up until he turns to see who's disturbing him. And then Nathan breaks out in a wide smile.

"Brooke, you sneak!"

"Nathan Scott, you major hunk! Look at those freaking biceps!"

Nathan laughs and walks over to give her a hug and she gratefully hugs him back.

"It's been a while Baby-cakes. Not since the Knicks-game, right? Haley said you looked really well and you do. Tanned, healthy…"

"Thanks Nate."

They smalltalk while they both set up new weights and in a way it feels like in high school when the cheerleaders shared weight-room with the basketball team. Nathan used to spot her, at least until she fell for his brother and used the time usually spent in the gym to do totally different activities.

"So how was the game?" she asks to think of something else and Nathan shrugs.

"Alright. We won with 11 points so were in the top four."

"Hence the extra work-out in my hotel?"

She raises an eyebrow and he laughs. "Your hotel? Gee Brookie, you must be much more loaded than I thought…"

She giggles "Shut up" and he laughs, explaining that since the team has gym-time two times a day and he doesn't want to travel that far just for weight-lifting and cardio, his coach lets him practise in Tree Hill every other week. And since the gym in her hotel is the best one in town, he pays to be able to use it whenever he wants.

She picks up the 10-pound weights and Nathan angles her elbow a little. She doesn't comment it, just follows his instructions, before she curls her arm. What not many people know, unless it's Haley or Rachel, is that Nathan had been the one to get her to do rehabilitation in the first place and she trusts him completely.

When she had refused to let the hospitals physical-trainer even so much as touch her knee, Rachel had called Haley who in turn had talked to Nathan, and when nothing else worked Nathan had simply gone back up to New York and forced her to get off her ass.

She hated him then, when he practically lifted her out of bed for two weeks straight and forced her to do the exercises she needed, but she loves him now. Because if it hadn't been for him, her knee would probably still not have healed. And it's more than that. Haley is one of her best friends, but Haley's been stuck in the loyalty-trap between her and a certain blonde boy, making it impossible to really be close during the last 18 months.

But Nathan had never been one for 'sides' and he had simply informed her one of those mornings during their rehabilitation-boot camp, when she didn't want to get out of bed, that she was stuck with him.

"_I don't care what happened between you and Luke"_ he had said. _"but you're not getting rid of me or Haley and James that easily…" _

And he had kept to that. Every time he had a game close to New York, or in city where she had a fashion show, he took time to see her. Sometimes he came alone and sometimes he brought Haley and James. After Rachel, he's probably the one that's seen her most.

"I've missed you" she says sincerely when he bends down and grabs his own weights, and he looks up at her and smiles his signature crooked smile.

"Right back at you Missy, it's damn good to have you back."

-

Lucas pulls the covers up over Lily and strokes some of her dark messy hair from her face. Her thumb is securely stuck in her mouth and she looks like an angel with her rosy cheeks.

She must be exhausted, he thinks as he flicks the light off and tiptoes out of the room. Three hours of running around like crazy would knock out even an athlete. And just as he's about to slide the door shut, she kicks her little energetic legs until she's freed them from his thorough 'tucking in' and instead flings one pyjama-clad foot into the air.

He stiffens a laugh. God, she even slept like a tiny cheerleader.

His mother is in her bedroom packing and he walks in and leans against the doorpost.

"She's sleeping now."

"Thanks Lucas. You're a gem. I've gotten so many things done this morning."

She smiles and folds a couple more of Lily's small dresses. "Hopefully she'll take a long nap. If she does, I might be able to get all the laundry done too."

He nods affirmatively. "Well, if you don't need me to watch her more, then I'll just head down and pick Nathan up a little sooner than planned…"

His mother's smile fades and she looks a little sad.

"Lucas… are you going to stay mad at me forever? Lily and I are going to be gone for almost five months. I don't want to do this trip knowing that you're at home feeling hurt and angry…"

He shrugs. It might be childish, but he still feels betrayed that she went behind his back. The way she had stayed in contact with Brooke and the way she sold off the café without talking to him. Now that he knows she's talked to Brooke over the months, there are so many things to analyse and mull over. Did she know the whole story? Did she know about how Brooke had closed him out? Did she know that Brooke had expected another man's child while he hoped for a life with her?

Most of all, did she know that he had spent months wishing that the baby Brooke lost had been his?

The answer is probably 'no' on all of the above. His mother had probably not even known that Brooke was pregnant.

"I'm not angry mom…" he mumbles and pulls a hand through his hair. "I just… it's not so easy to just get used to having her here… I just feel like you could have given me more of a warning."

Karen puts down the item she's holding and walks a little closer.

"I told you beforehand sweetie. It was short notice, I know that, but I had to respect her wishes too."

"Yeah, I guess…"

He forces a smile and gives his mother a hug. There's no use arguing. She'll never understand why he's feeling the way he does.

"I love you, my boy" she says and touches his cheek.

"I love you to mom."

_ I don't wanna have to, but I will,  
If that's what I'm supposed to do.  
We don't wanna set up for the kill,  
But that's what I'm about to do. _

-

Brooke stretches her arms over her head and makes a whimpering sound. Her whole body feels tortured. Every muscle pulled and twisted to the limit. But Nathan laughs and throws her a towel.

"You're such a pussy Brooke."

"I am not!"

She sends him a faked death-glare and he laughs louder.

"You are too! But I have to give it you Brooke, you've worked out since we were last in a gym together. Look, you even have triceps."

He squeezes her upper arm and she swats him away, laughing too now.

"Cut it out Nate!"

He tickles her a little and she's too tired to defend herself, ending up in a laughing pile on the floor. Nathan rolls his eyes.

"As I said… you're such a wimp. Now go hit the showers and let me finish. I have to go meet the big brother for lunch."

He helps her up from the floor, still with a huge smile on his face, but hers is long gone by the sound of his last words. Lucas.

"Thanks for the work out" she mumbles and gives him a sweaty hug. "And have fun with… uhm…"

"Luke?"

"Yeah…"

It's still weird to say his name. It still gets caught halfway up in her throat as if it's somehow stuck to her heart in a too short string. And just when she's about to pull out of the hug he pulls her back in and squeezes her brotherly.

"Hey, cheer up B, it's gonna be alright."

Nathan's voice is deep and warm and she usually trusts him when he sounds like this. This was the voice he used when he coaxed her out of bed for knee-practise, and the voice he used when he tried to persuade Haley that they should have another kid.

But this time she doesn't believe him.

"I'm going down to the pool" she instead says faintly. "I'll see you later Nate."

She knows that if she'd look back at him when walking towards the locker room, he would look at her with disappointment.

He thinks she should be stronger than this. He's told her countless times.

But she's not.

-

Lucas pushes the door to Tree Hill's nicest hotel open and strolls into the lobby. He's early, he's not supposed to meet Nathan in another thirty minutes, but he'll rather sit here and wait instead of pacing around at his mom's house.

He hasn't been in here before and he's surprised to see how luxurious it is. Not the typical Tree Hill feeling at all. It looks modern, elegant and expensive, not at all as if it's located in the center of a small town in North Carolina. More like the fancy hotel where his book-release had been held in New York.

"Excuse me…" he says as he walks up to the huge curved reception desk. "Where is the gym?"

The girl behind the counter looks up and smiles politely. "It's through those doors and down the stairs. But it's only for our guests."

"I'm not using it, I'm here to meet someone."

She nods. "Alright."

He keeps walking while looking at the arts on the walls and the magnificent garden through the big glass terrace. He heads through the doors pointed out for him and continues down the stairs, but instead of ending up in the gym as he's expected, he seems to be by the indoor pool.

"Wow…" he mutters and looks around. Jamie would love this place. It even has a waterslide.

Lost in thoughts, he walks around the pool over to the left side. And that's when he sees her. Brooke.

She's in the Jacuzzi, hot bubbly water up to her mid-chest and elbows rested against the edge. Her hair is collected in a sloppy bun on the top of her head and loose strands fall like ringlets around her face.

She looks beautiful.

She looks sexy.

But she's not real. She's not the girl he had once been so in love with. That Brooke was gone. And he's still trying to figure out how to act towards this 'new version'.

She hasn't seen him yet and he stands still and wonders if he should just backtrack silently and escape before she turns around, but he realizes it would be childish. He's over her and he should be able to handle a civil conversation.

So instead he clears his throat and her head turns.

Her gorgeous green eyes meet his and he waits for the pain. The heartache he's feared. But there is nothing.

He feels nothing.

"Hi Brooke."

She looks embarrassed.

"Oh… uhm… Hi Lucas… What are you doing here?"

She sits up, and by doing so reveals more perfectly tanned skin and an olive green halter bikini. She looks thinner, more athletic, and it adds on to the feeling of this not being the same girl. Makes it easier.

But that doesn't mean that she's less tempting to look at.

"I'm here to pick up Nathan. I could ask you the same, but I guess you live here…" he laughs a little. "I should have thought of that. It is a hotel fit for a princess…"

She doesn't answer. She just looks back at him and her forehead creases a little.

"You used to call me that…" she mumbles and he nods.

"Yeah, a long time ago."

She steps out of the pool and grabs her robe, quickly wrapping it around herself. His eyes rake over her body quietly before resting on her face.

"So still into the whole Jacuzzi-thing?" he asks and tries to not think of all the memories that her almost naked body awakes in his mind. Things he had done in a similar hot-tub with the Brooke from the past.

She doesn't answer and he guesses that he really didn't expect her too either. What would she answer? Yes? It's not like his aversion to hot-tubs is normal. It's not like she knows that he hasn't stepped into one since high school.

She mumbles something about being sorry for just turning up like this, but he can't concentrate on her voice. The deep cleavage of the robe shows off her tanned skin and he has to force his eyes not to look at her long slender legs.

Finally he gathers his senses enough to realize that he can't just stand there.

"Well, I've got to go" he says, sounding surprisingly calm and cold, and the feeling of not really knowing this brunette lingers. She nods silently and for a second he thinks that she looks sad. But it's of course just an illusion. His presence doesn't bother her.

But just when he's about to leave, he turns towards her again. He has to ask.

"Why didn't you ever call?"

For a second her gaze turns to the clinkered floor. Her chest heaves as if she's taking a deep breath, and then she looks up again. Her eyes are blank and it confuses him. Brooke's eyes have always been the mirror to her soul. The easiest way to read her.

"Why didn't you come back?" she mumbles, answering his question with a new one.

He looks back at her, feeling totally perplexed. It's the last question that he ever thought he'd hear from her and the only question simple enough to create a small crack in his walls. Why didn't he?

There's a sudden stabbing pain in the area of his heart, but it passes quickly.

"What? What do you mean Brooke?"

Right then Nathan calls his name from the pool area-entrance and he looses focus for a second while turning towards the sound of his brother's voice.

When he turns back, Brooke has left.

_ You used to be so warm and affectionate.  
All the little things I used to hear my fairy say,  
But now you're quick to get into your regret.  
I'll take the fall and now you got to give it all away._

--

"So how does it feel to be back?"

This is the hard question and Brooke ponders it as she waits for Haley to grab her take away-coffee from the guy behind the counter. She wants to be able to tell her friend that it's all roses and rainbows. That it's great to be back and that she never wants to leave. But that would be lying and she's not that keen on lying to her old friend. She could be honest and say that although it's wonderful to get away from work and amazing to hang out with her, Nathan and James, it's still very hard to always wonder when she'll bump into Lucas next.

But if she goes for the second alternative she knows that Haley will start a new round of their old 'why can't you tell me what really happened?'-conversations and she doesn't want that. Seeing Lucas in her own hotel earlier had been awkward enough to make her slip up. If it hadn't been for Nathan's sudden surfacing she would have had to hear his answer, and seeing that he had moved on was enough to crush her. She doesn't need to hear him say it to her face.

It had been a momentarily laps of judgment and she's not going to slip up in front of him again. And she's not going to do it in front of Haley either.

So se shrugs.

"It's very different from New York…"

Haley gives her a curious look.

"Of course it is. You're a celebrity there, and your schedule is insane. Tree Hill is just a tiny dot on the map that most people haven't even heard of."

Haley says this as if her life in New York is a good thing. As if she wants to be recognized everywhere and followed around by media. And frankly she doesn't.

"But you love this 'little dot', right tutor-girl?" she asks and sips the hot espresso macchiato, "You and Nathan wouldn't commute the way you're doing if you didn't."

"I do."

Haley smiles softly and she feels that evil tug at her heart again. She wants to feel that way too. To feel at home somewhere. To have her own 'dot'.

"I wish I knew how that felt…" she whispers. "But I really don't…"

--

James swings himself up into the jungle gym and waves to them, and Lucas and Nathan both smile back. Haley had dropped the little boy off an hour ago to go have lunch with a friend and since Nathan was wiped out from lifting in the gym and he himself for some reason felt emotionally drained, they had driven over to the playground by the river to let James run off some of his energy.

"He's getting so big Nathan. I can't believe it was almost four years ago that I held him in the hospital, right after he was born."

His brother looks at him before proudly returning his gaze to his son. "Actually Brooke held him before you did… You were with your mom, remember?"

He frowns. Here he goes again, talking about Brooke even though there was no need what so ever. Of course he knows that Brooke held James first. How could he forget? When he came into that hospital-room after making sure that his mom and Lily were alright, the first sight that met him was Brooke sitting in the chair next to Haley, holding Jamie as if he was the most precious thing in the universe. She was crying and she kept repeating the words; 'he is so small'.

Of course he remembers that Brooke was the first to hold the baby since that moment was the first time he really regretted getting together with Peyton.

He had looked at Brooke before that day and felt unsure, especially when he saw her with Chase, but that afternoon, the afternoon of their graduation when Brooke held their godson, his heart felt torn. And for the first time he wanted to go back in time.

Brooke had left for California just a couple of weeks after that and he never really had the chance to ponder whether or not he had made the right choice when choosing Peyton. Not until he met Brooke again two and a half years later and…

No. Ban the forbidden thoughts.

"I really don't want to talk about her, Nathan…"

"Why? She's here now, and sooner or later you two will have to talk. I remember when B was still recovering from the accident. She told me that you…"

He interrupts his brother with a glare and a huff.

"B? When in the hell did you go back to using nicknames for Brooke? And what do you mean 'when she was recovering'? Don't tell me you've been keeping in contact with her too?"

Nathan doesn't even look guilty. And why would he really. Nathan had never really picked his side in all of his drama-situations with girls, he had kind of always gone for Brooke's instead.

"Of course I've kept in contact with her Luke. You know that me and Haley both have, you just never wanted to acknowledge it. Haley says she doesn't want to pressure you, since you weren't handling stuff to well a year ago, but I say screw that. You need to grow up. Both of you…"

"What? I should just pretend like we're alright? Just invite her to dinner with Lindsey and I and talk about old high school memories, huh?"

The irritation pools in his chest, and all the quiet resolve he's maintained lately suddenly feels very weak. Why couldn't his brother just understand that he doesn't want Brooke here? He loves Lindsey, and having Brooke around will only make stuff complicated.

"I never said that" Nathan says with a half-smile "but maybe it wouldn't be such a stupid idea… I mean, if you're so in love with Lindsey, it shouldn't pose as a problem to be friends with Brooke. You never told any of us why you're so pissed at her, and I have my doubts of course, but a crushed heart is not a good enough reason to keep her feeling like this…"

He spins around and watches Nathan now.

"What the hell do you mean by that Nathan? You have no idea how I felt, okay? And I've told you; I don't want to talk about her!"

All his brother offers in return is a shrug, then he goes back to watching his son play. And after a couple of minutes, small talk is picked back up and they're in the middle of discussing Peyton's career when his cell phone goes off.

"Excuse me for a sec Nate…" he says and retrieves it from his pocket. And upon seeing that it's Peyton he mumbles "Talk about the trolls."

"Hi Peyt" he says and she greats him back. "We were just talking about you."

"Oh really? You and who?"

"Nathan. He's sitting next to me."

"That's perfect. Tell him to tell his wife to start cooking. I'm coming to stay for a couple of weeks. The tour's ending and we only have one stop left."

"Where?"

"Tree Hill. So book tomorrow night for a great night out. We have Fall Out Boy and Amanda Marshall."

"That's great Peyton" he says although his voice misses the happiness to go with his statement. He figures he should just tell her, especially since Nathan seems very eager to do it if he doesn't. It's just that he's so tired of drama, and to once again have Brooke and Peyton in the same town, and on top of that try to please Lindsey, just seems like a nightmare.

Peyton probably hears his hesitance because she asks him "What's up?" and he sighs.

"Did you know that Brooke is back?"

There's a pressing silence on the other end. "In Tree Hill? Have you met her? Talked to her?"

"Just briefly. But Haley has seen her a lot" he sighs and glances at his brother before saying "and Nathan hung out with her today…"

He can hear that his voice sounds irritated and he doesn't even really know why. Peyton sighs too.

"I guess I better give her a call…" she says. "But it's all making sense now. I guessed that something big had happened since you never showed up today…"

For a second he doesn't understand but the he clasps his hand over his forehead and curses.

"Damn it! The exhibition Peyton… God, I'm so sorry…"

He really hadn't meant to forget about that.

_Hey, what would you say if I stay  
Stay for a while if I may  
Say it again and I'll come around  
But not for the last time  
_

_Hey, what would you say if I change  
Change everything but my name  
Play it again and I'll come around, come around  
But not for the last time,  
not for the last time…  
_

---

* * *

**Author's note**: See, a little BL for you all. LOL  
I bet you thought they would just throw themselves at each other, right? Well, no. But I assure you there won't be any BL-free chapters from now on.

Emma. Great job, hun. Millions of hugs. And for Cas and Cami who I've harassed with this chapter before; thank you so much.

Daniel, Ellie, Bri, Jules… these insanely long reviews spoil me senseless. I love, love, love it so much that I almost want to make out with all of you! LOL Seriously!

And Denise, Gracie, Salma, Britt, Z, Vicky, Loes, Ebony, Whitney, McKenna, Lilly, Allie, Cheyenne, Chelsea, Erika, Ali, Kristine, Mina, Stefy, Treenuh, Natalie, Chabelle and all you others…

…Just wow… what else can I say?

I love you all.


	10. Grey Sky Morning

**Author's note**: This is probably the longest chapter I've ever written, but I guess that happens when there's just so much to be told. The title and lyrics for this chapter is from the song 'Best I Ever Had' by Vertical Horizon. Thank you's at the end.

* * *

-

**CHAPTER 10 – ****Grey Sky Morning  
**-

_Nothing's quite the same now  
I just say your name now…_

If someone would have asked her a month ago if she could see herself sitting in a bar in her old home town, flanked by Haley and Nathan and waiting for Peyton, Brooke would have just laughed. Mainly because going to Tree Hill would have been out of the question, but also because up until last night she hadn't talked to Peyton in over a year.

So when her blonde childhood friend called her she had been surprised to say the least.

"_Hey B Davis… rumor has it you're back in town…"_

"_Peyton?"_

_She had been in the shower when it rang and now she stood there naked and dripping, almost looking at the cell phone in shock. _

"_Yeah, it's me. It's been a while. How are you?"_

_The voice on the other end sounded nervous and she felt the same way. Was Peyton back in Tree Hill too?_

"_I'm good" she mumbled, still in a bit of a shock. "I had some left over vacation so I decided to go back home for a while… Where are you? In California?"_

"_No actually I'm in Raleigh for an exhibition. But we're coming to Tree Hill tomorrow with the Fall Out Boy-tour. I was wondering if maybe you'd want to come down to Tric for the party. I haven't seen you in 18 months." _

_For a second she had hesitated, wondering if she was really ready to face Peyton. But then she took a silent breath and said; "I'd love to Peyt. It's been too long…"_

It _had_ been to long and as she got ready earlier tonight she kept telling herself that this was partly why she had come back to Tree Hill. To conquer all her ill feelings towards Peyton and to forget about the past and what could have been. It wasn't Peyton's fault that her life ended up this crappy. And she needed to let the grudge go.

Not that this makes her less nervous.

Haley keeps talking happily and she nods along, giggling in the right places, while silently wondering why she's even here.

"Hey Tigger, you're losing focus… What's up?"

Haley looks at her with her searching motherly gaze and she smiles back genuinely. Haley is like a comfort-blanket. A calm and safe harbour where she never needs to pretend, and that's why she's feeling so lousy in her friend's company nowadays. Because pretending is all she does.

So many times the last two weeks she's felt the urge to just open her mouth and let out the entire story. To throw herself in Haley's lap and open the floodgates that she's working so hard to keep closed every day. But if she does then Haley will feel the obligation to talk to Lucas, and Lucas…

She sighs.

"I'm sorry Haley. I was just thinking about work. And I guess I'm a little nervous about seeing Peyton."

She might as well be as honest as possible.

Nathan, who's been talking in his cell phone with his agent for the last ten minutes now hangs up and huffs.

"When are you two going to bury the hatchet?"

"Who?"

Haley swats her husband's leg but she keeps looking at Nathan, curious if he's brave enough to go down this road. And he is.

"You and Peyton. I get that there's a lot of shit between you guys but you have to start over at some point, right? That point might as well be now since you know she's not going after Lucas anymore."

She fakes shock, not at all ready to let on that this thought has crossed her mind already. It's so much easier to think about maybe restoring her friendship with Peyton now that she imposes less of a threat.

"This has nothing to do with Lucas…" she mumbles, but of course Nathan just rolls his eyes.

"I swear, you two are the scaredest and most stubborn people I know!" he sighs and downs the last of his beer.

"Me and Peyton?"

"No Brooke. You and _Lucas_."

This time Haley doesn't swat him. This time she just nods.

-

_So you sailed away  
Into a grey sky morning  
Now I'm here to stay  
Love can be so boring_

Lucas pushes the door to Tric open and protectively keeps a hand on Lindsey's lower back when they step inside.

They're late. He'd told Haley he'd be here at nine and it's almost ten now. Lindsey had for some reason been stuck in her closet for hours, which wasn't like her at all, and she looks beautiful. He just doesn't see why tonight is different from other Saturday nights. It wasn't like this was the first time they went to a club together.

Now Lindsey seems jumpy and nervous and he wraps an arm around her and gives her a squeeze.

"You look great Linds" he offers and she smiles up at him thankfully before leading her way over to the bar where they've both spotted Peyton.

It's a full house and when they reach her he hugs the curly blonde and once again apologizes for missing her exhibition. But she just shrugs it off.

"It's cool Lucas, there are other ones… Now come on, the others are in the back."

They follow her and he reminds himself to talk to Nathan about the clown he's promised to book for Jamie's upcoming birthday when he suddenly stops dead in his tracks.

Brooke is sitting between his brother and Haley at the table and his first impulse is to draw a deep breath. She looks fucking gorgeous.

"Uhm… Peyton…" he starts, but his curly ex-girlfriend has already dragged Lindsey towards the others. And suddenly he realizes why Lindsey has been so weird. She had understood what he failed to think of. That Brooke was coming tonight since all their mutual friends were here.

"Damn it…" he mumbles and forces himself to start walking again, and even though he only looked at Brooke for a couple of seconds he knows exactly what she's wearing, knows how her hair is arranged and that one of her legs is elegantly crossed over the other.

She still had the greatest looking legs in the world.

So much for not letting her presence bother him…

"Hey Nate. Hi Hales" he says when he finally joins the others and his brother grabs his hand in a firm grip.

"What's up man? Nice crowd, huh?"

Haley smiles, but to him she looks a little guilty. And she should, because she hadn't mentioned anything about this 'little arrangement' when they talked on the phone earlier.

Slowly he turns towards the last person by the table and forces a smile.

"Brooke."

"Hi Luke."

The use of his old nickname annoys him and he squints for a second. Knows that he has to stay 'normal' in order to keep Lindsey from feeling worried about their relationship, but Brooke has no right to call him 'Luke' anymore.

"How are you?" he gets out and his voice sounds somewhat mechanical but at least he manages to look unfazed.

"I'm good."

She smiles and her heartshaped lips tugs at his subconscious. Then she turns towards his girlfriend.

"Nice to meet you again Lindsey. I've heard a lot about you."

Her voice is sweet and calm and it feels weird to hear her address Lindsey in this easy and polite way. But he has to give her that above all, Brooke has always had elegance. Poise. And she wouldn't treat Lindsey badly unless it was really called for. Yet he just wants to grab his girlfriend and head back out the way they came. Run for cover.

Sadly he doesn't have the time. He can only watch as Lindsey hesitantly sits down on the seat that Nathan has vacated before his brother starts pulling him back towards the bar, throwing out the comment "Brother bonding-time…" with a huge smile.

Lindsey reaches up to place a peck on his lips and before he even realizes what he's doing he turns his head and her lips meets his jaw.

In the corner of his eye he sees Haley smile empathically towards his girlfriend who in turn mumbles; "that was nice..." in a sad yet somewhat sarcastic voice.

This is when he should stay. Say sorry and kiss her senseless. But Nathan is already dragging him away.

He's going to kill Nathan when he gets a chance.

-

Brooke smiles so hard that her cheeks ache and still she knows that she's bordering on not pulling off her fake act. She's had months and months of training, pretending to love her life in front of cameras and fans, but sitting here with Lucas' little hillbilly girlfriend is more than she can handle.

Lindsey seems to feel awkward as well but she is at least comfortable with Haley and Peyton. And as she listens to the three girls talk, Brooke realizes that she's missed a lot by staying away from Tree Hill this long.

Lindsey seems updated on everything concerning James, Nathan's basketball-career, Karen and Lily, even about Peyton's life, and she just feels as though the world has turned during the last eighteen months, making herself slip in between.

She just wants to leave. Go back to the hotel, pack up her things, and fly back to her life in New York where she can at least hide behind her work.

She wasn't happy there, but pretending _here_, in Tree Hill, is even worse. Because this is where she's supposed to be able to be herself.

"Tigger" Haley says smiling, "I forgot to ask you. How are things going with Tony?"

The already forced smile falls a little more. Tony. She hasn't even though about him.

"He's not in the picture anymore…" she mumbles. "We uhm… broke up."

If it's even possible to break up a pretend-relationship? Especially without even telling him herself.

She needs to think of a way to make this more bearable and to seem less distraught, so she looks around. Scanning the crowd, her eyes fall on one of the bartenders. A dark-haired guy in his late twenties who looks edgier then the rest of the teenage boys in the club.

"Tony wasn't my type" she says and turns back to Haley, Peyton and the new girl in Lucas' life. "But _that_ guy _is_. I can totally see myself sleeping with him."

Her smile grows wider, especially when Lindsey looks a little shocked, and she knows it's childish but it feels good to provoke the blonde.

"I bet he's great in bed…"

Haley laughs and Peyton rolls her eyes, both of them clearly thinking that she's joking. And suddenly she's not. Suddenly it feels hell of a lot more tempting to randomly flirt than to sit here where the tension can be cut with a butter-knife.

"I'm gonna go introduce myself" she says and pulls her eyebrow up to create her signature quirk. "You girls have fun without me."

Then she moves towards the bar.

_What was it you wanted?  
Could it be I'm haunted?_

-

Nathan keeps talking and talking about things that honestly don't interest him. And he starts to think that this is just his brother's way of keeping him out of the way. Brooke and Lindsey could be killing each other right now and all Nathan wants is to recite the entire NBA's score-statistics…

"We should head back" he says and nervously picks at an olive. "I bet the girls wonder where we went."

"Chill Luke. They'll be fine. It's good for Lindsey to get to know Brooke. That way we might all be able to hang out like normal people in time for James' birthday."

He huffs.

"It's a month away Nate. We're not kids. Of course we'll behave if Brooke comes to the party, but she'll probably be back in New York by then. Doesn't she have a business to run?"

The irritation seeps through his voice even though he tries not to let it, and Nathan smirks.

"Well yeah, but she's said that she'll come back. She's promised Jamie."

His brother gulps down on his beer and then he points at something a couple of feet from them at the bar.

"…and Luke, if you're worried that your ex and current are ripping each others throats as we speak, then don't be. Brooke is over there."

He looks over, somewhat against his will, and sees the brunette leant over the counter smiling widely at a guy working in the bar. And it takes him a full three seconds to figure out that she's flirting. It's not hard, he's been at the receiving end of Brooke Davis in flirt-mode, and he knows exactly why the guy is smiling like an idiot.

"Great" he mutters just as Lindsey sneaks an arm around his waist from the other side and he jumps a little.

"Oh, hi Linds…"

Nathan still wears the same unreadable expression, and as Lucas leans down and places a kiss on Lindsey's head he hears the sound of Brooke's laughter. He stiffens a little and Lindsey looks in the same direction he is looking. At Brooke.

She sighs.

"I just came over to tell you that I'm heading home" she says, and he quickly blocks out Brooke in favour of his girlfriend.

"Why? We haven't even been here an hour."

Brooke laughs again and he throws a glance in that direction. She playing with the guy's shirt-collar and from where he stands it looks like she's biting her lower lip.

"I'm going home because you're not being yourself Lucas. Ever since Brooke came back you've been acting different…"

He snaps back, just in time to see Lindsey shake her head tiredly and mumble "and frankly it's freaking me out a bit."

He sighs and tries really hard to stay mature and calm.

"You're the one acting crazy right now Linds, and you know it. I've seen Brooke twice since she came back and you go and say I'm acting different? Don't you think you're overreacting a bit? I used to date Brooke and I can't help but worry when she's drunk and flirts with some sleezeball…"

He looks at Nathan for support but Nathan doesn't even seem to listen. He's on the phone again, for the fifteenth time this night, probably trying to get out of some team-related event.

Lindsey hoists her purse up on her shoulder and frowns.

"I _know_ that you used to date Brooke. How could I ever forget it after have taken one look at her. But this is about you acting like a totally different person Lucas. And about me wanting to go home. Now… are you coming or staying?"

This is when he should say 'of course I'm going with you' but when he opens his mouth, something totally different comes out. And this time there's no Nathan pulling his arm.

"I'm staying. And for the record Lindsey; You're wrong about this."

She shrugs. "Maybe. Come over when you've finished being a big brother to your ex."

And then she leaves.

-

Lindsey is gone when Brooke returns to the table and she spends a while talking to Peyton and Haley. But the guilt keeps eating at her and she can't stop thinking that she has been the one to drive Lindsey away. The girl hadn't done anything towards her. It isn't like she has stolen Lucas, since Lucas had never really been hers to begin with, and the blonde girl probably feels just as awkward about this as herself.

Lucas loves Lindsey and it's time she faces it.

So finally she asks Haley, who informs her that Lindsey had gone to find Lucas, and she gets up from her seat again and sighs.

"This is ridiculous…" she mumbles. "We can't even sit together because of me. I'm gonna go get them."

Haley smiles proudly and nods.

"I think that's great Brooke. See if you can find Nathan too. I want him to call home and check on James."

"Sure."

She walks off and it takes her less then five minutes to find the two brothers. Nathan and Lucas are standing at the far end of the bar and she turns and pretends to have forgotten something. Lindsey seems to have left but she still steers clear, since she has already changed her mind. She _can't_ talk to him again. The mere minutes they spent together so far has already done too much damage and just the sight of him makes her legs weak. Instead she heads for the ladies room, and once she's in there, locked into one of the stalls, she sits on the toilet and leans her head into her hands.

In here she doesn't have to see him look at her all coldly. In here there is no perfect Lindsey and no Haley that is so obviously doing her best to get her and Lucas to make nice and be friends. And in here she can calm down enough to get through the rest of this night.

At least in here she's safe.

-

_So you stole my world  
Now I'm just a phony  
Remembering the girl  
Leaves me down and lonely_

"She hates me."

It's not until Lucas sees Nathans confused expression that he realizes he has said the words out loud.

"Who? Lindsey?"

"No. Brooke. She just took a detour so that she wouldn't have to face me…"

Nathan laughs and orders a new beer with a nod towards the bartender.

"Come on man, she doesn't hate you. She just…" He chuckles a little. "She just doesn't like you very much. But look at it from the bright side. My _wife_ won't talk to me because I don't want her to call the babysitter. I'd say that's worse."

Wives… ex-girlfriends… ex-wives…

Lost in thought he takes a sip from his juice. What if he had proposed to Brooke eighteen months ago instead of to Peyton. Would they have been married now? Would they have had kids? Would Brooke have at least talked to him?

"Did I tell you that Brooke and I were sort of married for a night?" he mumbles and scans the crowd to spot the brunette. At least she wasn't crawling all over that bartender anymore.

Nathan chokes on his beer and coughs.

"What? When?!" His brother seems to try and grasp what he means. "You _married_ Brooke? And then what? You guys got it annulled?"

He shakes his head absentmindedly. Not really wishing that he had married Brooke, but playing with the idea.

"No, it was just a joke. The night after I proposed to Peyton, remember? I showed Brooke the ring and it kind of took off from there…"

He smiles sadly at the memory, wondering how he was able to think about this all of a sudden when he has done nothing but tried to forget it for the last year and a half. And then Nathan chokes again.

"You _do_ love her!"

Now he's the one looking surprised. "What?"

But his little brother looks completely bewildered. "I know that look man! You haven't had that look in like forever!" Nathan practically empties his beer in one go and then slams the bottle down on the counter.

"First you go all stiff when seeing her, then you pull some high school jealousy move and now you look like a sad puppy… Wait until I tell Haley this! She's gonna freak! Haley!!"

He shouts his wife's name out across the dancefloor and two seconds later Nathan has disappeared in the dancing crowd.

He stays for a while, rested against the counter, and actually chuckles. Nathan always went a little 'dumb' when drunk.

But for some reason his brother's little outburst makes him think that he should try to be a little less cold towards Brooke. For the others sake, he should try and make peace.

Not make friends. He can never be friends with Brooke, but he can at least try and create a functioning environment for all of them. Lindsey had clearly overreacted, he's not still harbouring romantic feelings towards Brooke and he's not behaving differently, but maybe he had felt a little jealous before.

And if he had, it's mostly because there is still so much unsolved between him and Brooke. So many questions. If they could talk as grown ups at some point, then maybe he could get some answers.

As a matter of fact, he should try to go talk to her now.

Because he has to admit that seeing Brooke avoiding him like this stings.

_But it's not so bad  
You're only the best I ever had  
I don't want you back  
You're just the best I ever had_

-

It's been an hour and the club is packed. Haley is in deep conversation with her drunk husband and Peyton is backstage somewhere. So Brooke mingles. Walks in between the tables, scanning the crowd for familiar faces, effectively avoiding a certain blond boy.

And then she suddenly bumps into someone, and even without looking up she knows who it is. His scent is forever branded in her nostrils and she recognises the shirt.

"Sorry…" she mumbles and looks up into pools of blue.

"Uhm… hi…"

He seems to feel as awkward as she's feeling and she turns her eyes back towards her shoes and wishes she could just disappear through the floor.

"Hey…" he says in a soft way that forces her to look back up at his face. "You're avoiding me, right?"

She shakes her head and concentrates to keep her voice steady. And when the words come out, she realizes that it isn't as hard as she thought. Eighteen months of faking happiness has made her a skilful liar.

"Of course not, Lucas. Why would I?"

"Well, you've been in town for what, two weeks? And I have only seen you twice, both of which times was not on purpose."

He looks kind of like a little boy, and for a moment the coldness he's shown towards her, is gone. "Don't lie, Brooke" he almost begs. "I saw the detour you took a while ago. You're clearly avoiding me. Why?"

It's harder to lie this time and she looks down again. Then his hands come to tangle with her hair.

"Do you hate me?" he asks and twirls a lock of her hair around his finger.

"No."

"Then why Brooke? Why won't you tell me why you're avoiding me?"

"Because I don't know the answer to that question."

As if her fingers have a life of their own, she brushes them over his chest, feeling the twitch of his muscles beneath her searching caress. She hasn't touched him in so long and electric impulses surges through her veins.

"You don't know, or you're afraid to know?" he pushes.

He looks so serious, seems so focused, and she watches as the low lighting reflects the darker flecks of his blue eyes, making his irises even larger than usual.

She notices how he tries to keep his eyes from trailing down her deep v neckline, but fails every time she reaches for her glass, and in a weird way it's endearing. The hair on the back of her neck prickles as he looks straight at her, and when he squints as he considers his words, she wants nothing but to kiss him senseless. She wants to touch him, anywhere, everywhere. But she doesn't.

"Brooke." His voice is subtle, yet demanding. "Aren't you tired?"

"Tired of what?"

"Of being something you're obviously not. I've known you, remember? This new version, it's not you. The old Brooke wouldn't pretend this way. The old Brooke would just come out and say it."

And there it is again.

The twinge. The quick needle stab straight into her heart.

"Maybe I've just changed?" she says, feeling the words get stuck in her throat. "Or maybe you just don't know me."

The seriousness turns into disappointment and he sighs. And suddenly it's not a charged tension between them anymore, suddenly all she feels is this immense sadness.

"Just tell me when you decide to be honest…" he mumbles. "I've never stopped thinking about you... but I have a new life now. And as long as you're here we need to get this to work."

And then he leaves. Without saying good bye or giving her another look.

She stands dumbstruck for a long while after he has disappeared in the crowd. A strange pain tries to break free in her chest but she pushes it back, not ready to let it out just yet. So for distraction she turns towards the bar to get herself a new drink and she notices that the bartender from before is looking at her curiously.

"Old boyfriend?" he asks nonchalantly and slides her a new glass of Grey Goose.

"How is that any of _your_ business?"

The guy smiles. A mix between a grin and a smirk. He _is_ good looking, in a rugged way, but now he seems a little too cocky.

"I'm Owen" he says and extends a hand that she doesn't shake. "I think I failed to introduce myself before. Now, tell me the story and I'll let you drink your sorrows away for free."

"Well, talk to me again and _I'll_ kick _you_ in the balls."

She lifts an eyebrow as if challenging him and when he doesn't say anything more she smirks. Smug bartender asshole, and to think that she had actually called him 'sexy'. They were all the same.

Pulling up a 100 dollar-bill and slamming it on the bar, she grabs the glass.

"Owen, was it?" she says in an overly sweet way. "Believe me, I don't need your charity. Keep the change."

Then she leaves, and as usual, she can feel the guy's eyes following her as she walks away. She understands that he's a bit confused, she had after all practically offered him free passage to her bed earlier, but he annoys her.

There's just something in his eyes…

_And it may take some time to  
patch me up inside  
But I can't take it so I  
Run away and hide_

-

The loud music is pumping out through the huge sound system and Peyton saunters over to the bar and leans against the counter while watching Brooke rule the dance floor. Her brunette friend is the description of sexy, moving her body expertly to the beat, and she watches in awe.

Brooke has always known how to bring the attention of others upon herself, but now, all grown up and all successful, she doesn't even have to try.

Peyton drinks the last of her beer and as she puts it down on the bar, that darkhaired bartender that Brooke had flirted with steps up behind her.

"You want a refill?" he asks and smiles at her, and she shrugs.

"Yeah sure, why not?"

A couple of seconds later he puts a new bottle of cold beer in front of her and leans his elbows on the counter.

"Your friend is really hot… but what's her deal?"

She turns towards him and she can see his gaze follow Brooke's every movement. Half as if he's undressing her with his eyes, just like every other male in the club, but also as if he's really curious.

"What do you mean?" she asks and brings the bottle up to her mouth. It's really nothing new for her to have guys ask her about Brooke, and quite frankly the subject bores her.

But Owen keeps looking at Brooke and lazily pulls a hand through his dark head of hair. And as the song switches into something a little slower he says;

"She came on to me pretty strong earlier. I mean you were there… I asked her why and she just kept pushing it…" He shrugs a little. "I just find it strange that a girl like her would ever have to come on to a guy… One would think that guys would be fighting for a chance to come on to _her_."

Peyton lets out a dry chuckle.

"Oh, believe me they do. But that's our little Brooke right there for you. She'll just hit on you until she gets what she wants, so you might as well give up now. If she wants to sleep with you she will. Just let her have her fun and she'll be on her merry way again…"

Now Owen finally averts his eyes from the dancing Brooke and instead she feels him watching her.

"I thought you we're friends?" he asks her and she gives him a confused nod.

"We are. I've known her since I was six years old."

"But you don't seem to like her very much" he states calmly. "I mean, she's so broken… and you don't seem to have even noticed that she spent half the night in the girls bathroom crying…"

Before she has a chance to answer him, or to even really melt what he said, he just shrugs and while muttering "Strange friendship…" he grabs her empty bottle and goes back to serving customers.

-

Another hour passes by and Peyton can't seem to stop thinking about what Owen told her. He must have been mistaking, she thinks, because she's been with Brooke pretty much ever since they got to the club and the usual big smile has been on her friend's face the entire evening.

Sure, there had been a while there, before the second round of shots, when Brooke had seemed a little spaced out. But she hadn't been sad, right?

She looks around and finds Brooke standing in a corner talking to some old high school friends and at first she's on her way to join them, but then she sees Owen in the corner of her eye. He's walking out through the backdoor and on a sudden impulse she follows him.

"Smoking-break?" she asks as she steps out into the cool night air and finds him sitting on the fire-stairs.

"Nah, I don't smoke. Nasty habbit…"

He looks at her as if he waits for her to say what she came to say, and she clears her throat, suddenly drawing a blank.

"Uhm… I'm just curious" she finally gets out. "What did you mean with that last thing you said earlier?"

"With what? About your friend being broken or about you not really liking her?"

He's good looking and she has no problem seeing why Brooke would flirt with the guy. His dark hair and brown eyes gives him a somewhat exotic look and he's tall and pretty well-built.

For a second she thinks about other guys that had caught Brooke's attention during their high school years. Nathan, Felix, Nick, Chase… all with a similar coloring. All but one.

"I meant both" she says and rubs the skin on her upper arms to rid of the goosebumps. "Why would you say that?"

He half-smiles, showing of white teeth, and shrugs.

"Because I just don't get why a friend would say the stuff you said to me. I was asking you about her person, not about her sexual preferences or how she behaves with guys."

She bites her lip and starts to say something but then changes her mind, realizing that the guy is right. Instead she looks down at her feet.

"Do you like her?" she finally asks. "Because if you do then go for it. Brooke's had a ruff year and a half, she could use a nice guy like you…"

He gets on his feet again and looks at her curiously.

"Funny… I thought she could really use a friend…"

And then he grabs the box of wine bottles and walks back inside.

--

_And I may find in time that  
you were always right  
You're always right_

Lucas leaves the club and his head is spinning. Not from alcohol, he hasn't had a drink in over a year. But because of a certain brunette and her ways of driving him crazy.

Even now, as he walks towards Lindsey's house after sitting down by the river for almost an hour, Brooke's sad green eyes haunt him. Follows his every step until he feels like banging his head into the nearest lamppost. He shouldn't have talked to her in the club, shouldn't have touched her. But she's pulling him in against his will, and now she won't get out of his mind.

By the time he reaches Lindsey's front door he's scared that if he thinks more about his ex, all the feelings he's hidden so deep in his brain will break loose. It's driving him crazy that Brooke won't say that she needs him and that she doesn't show any emotion. And not that he can protest. He'll probably never let himself realize that he needs her either. He has gotten accustomed to not needing anything lately and when thinking about it, he's pretty sure he made that decision when he sat in his car and watched Brooke drive out of his life eighteen months ago.

He's feeling strange. Almost like there's too little air to breath. And when Lindsey opens the door, she finds him standing there leant against the exterior wall with his eyes closed.

"Hey baby…" she says softly and he looks up, almost surprised to see her.

"Hey…"

He suddenly feels this urgent need to wash Brooke out of his head and he pulls Lindsey close and kisses her deeply. Clings to her as if she's a lifeline of sorts. She kisses him back and he pushes her into the hallway and on towards the bedroom.

"I guess you missed me" she mumbles smiling as he pulls her sweater over her head and feverishly starts touching her body. And he doesn't know how to answer other then to kiss her even deeper. He just needs to get the weird feeling to go away.

Moments later they're in bed, both of them naked, and he caresses her skin. And at first it's just as usual, but then thoughts keep breaking his concentration. Thoughts about how her skin has never really felt like soft peaches, or how her hips have always seemed a little too square and boyish. How her voice never comes out all raspy when she moans underneath him and how he never shivers when she says his name out loud when she comes.

_Not like he used to do when Brooke said it…_

And he soon realizes that he's going through one of those desperate waves again tonight, knowing that today had probably been the finale. The terrifying ever-approaching-lights-screaming end that he has ignored for the past year and a half. The one he and Brooke never had and the one that now seemed a little unworthy.

He buries his face in Lindsey's hair as her nails dig into his back and he thinks that from this angle he can easily pretend that she is Brooke. He guesses that it kind of defeats the purpose of trying to forget. But what can he do?

His thoughts stray so far that he has to close his eyes because he's afraid she'll see it in his eyes what he's thinking. In a way it's a stupid decision because as her hands and lips become more daring, he keeps fantasizing that she's someone else. It's not on purpose, nothing he does to be mean, but he keeps seeing Brooke's face. Brooke's body.

And when Lindsey huskily asks "What's the matter baby?" when straddling him, he wants to answer her that maybe this isn't such a good idea. But he's so far gone in a fantasy about another girl, a brunette currently sleeping just a few houses away, that he can't form the words. Instead, as she sinks down on top of him, he breathes out;

"Oh god, Brooke…"

Even before Lindsey freezes, he realizes his mistake. She stops moving and mechanically gets of him, wrapping herself in a robe before leaving the room.

He thinks about following her up and into the kitchen where he can hear her slamming some cupboard closed. But what the hell would he say? It's too late to say anything now, and as he lies on his back and stares at the ceiling he realizes that it's been too late for a while. There is no excuse for this and he knows that she'll never believe him if he says that it was a mistake, because they both know that it's not.

Instead he gets up too and puts his clothes back on. And when he walks out of the bedroom, he finds her sitting on the sofa, stiff as a board with tears running down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry," he mumbles and she looks away.

He knows that it would be unnecessary to point out that they're over. So he just leaves.

And he knows that he should have done it long ago.

_What was it you wanted?  
Could it be I'm haunted?_

---

The club is still full of people and now that Haley has gone home, Brooke and Peyton has moved to sit at the bar. Peyton has just been to get them two new drinks and when she comes closer she slows down.

Brooke looks totally different now that she thinks that she's alone and no one is looking. And the sad and empty expression on the brunette's face sends a pang of guilt into the pit of Peyton's stomach. Had they really drifted so far apart that she could have missed this the entire evening?

She been angry at Brooke a lot of times over the last 18 months, mainly because of the way her former best friend had left things and because she so obviously had just cut all ties without any apparent reason. But with the history they share, she could never be angry enough not to care. And in this second, when she silently watches Brooke twirl her empty glass in her hand and just stare off into the distance as if she had the entire world on her shoulders, she cares a lot. Because honestly, she's never seen Brooke this way.

Suddenly high school seems more than just four years ago. Their old hoes over bros-pact not more then a childhood memory.

"Hey B. Davis…" she says softly to pull attention to herself, and Brooke jumps a little. And within seconds the façade is back up.

She puts the glass down in front of her friend and sits down beside her.

"You looked kind of sad there for a while, Brooke. What's going on with you?"

The brunette just laughs of course, dimples deep as always.

"What are you talking about P. Sawyer. I'm fine. I just thought about how much I really needed a refill of this and then you came. Straight up mind-reading if you ask me."

Brooke holds up her empty wineglass, smiling broadly, and Peyton nods. And she thinks that if it weren't for Owens comment earlier, she would probably just have thought that she'd imagined Brooke looking sad.

For the first time ever she wishes that Rachel was in Tree Hill. Because even she realizes that nowadays, Rachel is probably the only one that'll see through Brooke's flawless mask.

They pick the conversation back up but it's slow and forced and to Peyton, Brooke even seems relieved when Owen, who she a moment ago had called a 'cocky asshole' comes and disturbs them.

"I'm still waiting for you to kick me in the balls…" he says and winks to Brooke as he clears their glasses away, and Peyton looks at him with a questioning look on her face.

In the corner of her eye she sees that Brooke blushes for some reason. As if she's doing something she shouldn't do. And Peyton frowns. It's the first time she's ever seen Brooke look embarrassed when flirting.

"Don't mind him…" she mumbles but Peyton still looks at the guy, eyebrow raised as if to ask him 'what are you doing? I thought you said she needed a _friend_'.

"Wasn't that the same dude that you said you could see yourself sleep with?" she then asks to test the waters, and Brooke seems turn an even deeper shade of red.

"I was just playing… It's just that in New York, pretty much every guy that comes on to me does it because they want a minute in the limelight… but this guy seems to have no clue. I guess it just intrigues me a little…"

-

It's weird to hang out with Peyton after all this time and now that it's just the two of them left, Brooke becomes aware of how tense their relationship has become. It's hard to keep up the easy small-talk and she knows that the blonde girl, sitting beside her at the bar, just waits for the opportunity to bring up the past and the 18 months of almost total silence.

And if its one person, except for Lucas, that she _really_ doesn't want to have that discussion with, it's Peyton Sawyer.

On top of this Peyton seems a little too interested in her conversation with the bartender and for reasons not even clear to herself she doesn't want Peyton knowing that she's actually thinking about flirting with him for real.

Anything to get Lucas out of her head.

_Anything_.

"Haley told me that the record-company is growing" she says to change the subject. "So does that mean that you've dropped your art totally?"

But Peyton seems to have finally gotten enough because she rolls her eyes in a not so subtle way and downs her shot of vodka.

"Seriously Brooke… just cut the pleasantries. Please? I've waited all night for you to come up with an at least half believable excuse for just cutting all ties like you did. But you just keep pretending like nothing happened. You're acting like we saw each other over coffee just the other week, and frankly it's just creeping me out."

Even if the words are pretty harsh, her old friend's voice is still soft. And in a way Peyton might have a point, but it still gets to her. The irritation fills her as she looks back at the blonde defiantly.

"Well, communication is a two way street. You could have called too."

"I did!"

Their voices are already rising, and people around them are turning their heads, but she doesn't care. In New York she always avoided drawing extra attention to herself, but now she's getting slightly drunk and the last days constant emotional rollercoaster is taking its toll.

"You called once Peyton! Once! It was two weeks after I had gotten released from the hospital and we talked for exactly five minutes. Don't pin this on me! You could have kept in contact too."

Peyton laughs dryly.

"Really? Well, I don't think you would have answered. It seems to me as you shut both me and Lucas out for no reason. He was devastated Brooke! Crushed! And you can't just pop up and pretend like it's all fine when we both know it's not. Not without explaining…"

They stare at each other in silence for minutes and then Brooke is the one backing down.

"I'm sorry for not calling, okay?" she almost whispers, and in the loud club it's probably hard for Peyton to hear her words. "I was in a really bad place… I just couldn't deal with it. And I just figured I should let you focus on him. I thought you two would get back together…"

"Well, we obviously never did. And there were several reasons for that…"

The blonde sighs and gets up from her chair.

"We should talk some other day Brooke. When we haven't been drinking and I've had more than four hours of sleep. It's starting to get very obvious to me that there are things, _facts_, that I don't know… You're sad Brooke and…"

She vigorously shakes her head.

"I already told you Peyt, I'm _not_ sad…"

But for the first time in years Peyton actually seems to see right through her and the blonde smiles sadly and pins a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

"You _are_ sad. In fact I think you know exactly why too, you just don't want to tell me, and that's fine… I just don't want us to become even more distant than we already are."

The already big lump of tears in her throat grows bigger.

Why does Peyton have to choose tonight of all nights to start being a friend? She has enough going on tonight as it is…

"Me neither…" she whispers, almost inaudibly over the loud music.

She hugs Peyton and it's awkward at first but as she melts into the hug she's also getting flooded by memories. "I've missed you Peyt…" she mumbles and the blonde nods towards her shoulder.

"I've missed you too Brooke."

She _has_ missed Peyton over the last years. Immensely. But as she watches Peyton leave she realizes she misses Rachel even more.

-

Lucas walks the way back to his own house and for every step he can feel his built up walls crumbling. Everything in his life is fake. He's living a complete lie. And Brooke's sudden resurfacing is making him see this.

He wants to say that he was happy with Lindsey, but he knows he wasn't. He wants to honestly be able to say that he's over Brooke, but he can't.

And he hates her for this.

So when he passes the 24-hour open supermarket down on Mason Street where he and Brooke once got caught buying whipped cream and condoms, he goes in and buys a bottle of Whiskey. And once he gets home he sits down on the porch and unscrews the lid.

The first sip burns in his throat and chest and the second one leaves a bad taste in his mouth. But by the third sip he leans back and sighs.

And for the first time in over a year he allows himself to think back to when he left Brooke in New York. It kind of surprises him that the memories are still equally painful. That just thinking about her makes him want to go back to the club and slap some sense into her. Make her understand what she did that night when she just drove off.

But he can't.

Even though he wont be able to go back to Lindsey he'll never show Brooke how he feels. He'll never let her break him again the way she did.

He takes another big sip of the fluid and by now the bad taste is completely gone.

This is just a small setback, he thinks and closes his eyes. It's just one night and he decides to give himself that. One night with a bottle of whiskey and all his memories of a dimpled, brown-haired girl that never seemed to let go of his heart.

One night where he would allow himself to love the memory of her and what they had.

Then, from tomorrow on, he would just go back to hating her guts.

_But it's not so bad  
You're only the best I ever had  
I don't want you back  
You're just the best I ever had  
The best I ever had  
_

-

Brooke's been sitting in the car for almost twenty minutes when she finally sees Owen the bartender come out of Tric. She's not sure why she's doing this. It just feels right to go back to her former self tonight. The way Lucas had looked at her showed her that he had truly moved on and she needs to somehow wash away the immense sense of despair that notion gives her.

So she had simply decided that she'd entertain herself with the bartender that's now locking the door and walking over the empty parking lot. He instantly sees her, since the light in the car's ceiling is turned on, and he has a puzzled yet amused look on his face.

She's made herself comfortable, put her feet up on the dashboard and rolled down the window, and as he reaches the car he leans down and looks in through the open square.

"I assume you're not going to be car jacking me" he says with one eyebrow raised. "Because this car's worth like six bucks. But I like it, so I'll fight you for it if I have to."

She smiles at his childish comment and turns to face him.

"I'm not interested in this old piece of crap. I just wanted to apologize for snapping at you before. I thought we could talk…"

As if contemplating this he looks at her for a second, and then he walks around the vehicle and opens the door, taking his place behind the steering-wheel. A smile plays at the corners of his mouth and he shakes his head as he answers; "Talk? Nah, we both know where that's gonna lead."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"We'll talk…" he says shrugging. "But pretty soon I'll make you laugh and you'll be just the right amount of smart ass to make me want to sleep with you, and then it's all downhill from there…"

She can't help but laugh at this. Again thinking that this guy somehow gets her curious. Looking him over once more and not covering her appreciative facial expression when watching his well built arm resting on the window frame, she asks;

"Downhill? Why?"

By now his smile has turned a little mischievous and the slight teasing tone in his voice gets more obvious.

"Here's the thing, Brooke. I sleep with you, you get obsessed, you start buying me shit, lose your job…"

She arches her eyebrow in her old flirtatious, yet disbelieving way and retorts; "I own my own company" which in turn makes him laugh.

"Yeah, about that. I prefer my women a little more screwed up…"

At this she rolls her eyes and sighs. "I'm screwed up. Believe me… I'm _totally_ screwed up."

She's not sure what makes her do it, maybe it's the amount of truth in that last remark, but suddenly she finds herself gripping the hem of her t-shirt and pulling it over her head. She needs to make her answer less serious because his eyes shows her that he wants to know what screwed her up in the first place and with a self-assured smirk on her face she then tosses the piece of fabric in Owens lap. She's not wearing a bra and she smiles expectantly at him.

For a second he looks shocked, mouth a little open and eyes wide. But then he recollects himself and he forces his features back to the earlier nonchalant but charming smile.

"You're making a couple of good points" he says lazily. "But really, I should get home."

This is not what she has expected. She had thought this would be an easy lay, a quick way out of this evening and all the thoughts of the past. But maybe she should have seen this coming. This guy wasn't the ordinary type.

"You're so not turning down a naked me," she pouts self-assuredly. "_Nobody_ turns down naked me."

He hands her the t-shirt back gently but she doesn't take it, and he keeps looking at her upper body.

"Look. We could do this" he says and his gaze travels from her collarbone down to her naked breasts. "But we can't undo it, you know? Besides, you don't need to apologize to me, you need to stick to your guns. Tell me to cut the crap or I'm gonna miss out on something special…"

His comment somehow annoys her. It makes her think of past times and carefully hidden memories of moments in another car. She had been naked then too, and another boy, nowadays banned from her thoughts, rejected her just as sweetly.

"What if I just want to sleep with you?" she mutters, still without doing anything to cover up, and he shrugs again. Although this time his smile also holds some mysterious concern.

"Well, that would be disappointing. I mean, considering how much more we could be…"

She watches his crooked smile, oddly charmed by his boyish half-sad expression. And then he continues; "I mean, I'll do it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not an idiot. You look beautiful and I'd love to sleep with you. I'm just saying that you might want to think about it."

She huffs but deep down she understands where he's coming from. Yet she looks out the window and rolls her eyes, muttering; "What? You'd pity-fuck me? Gee, thanks…"

He shakes his head and laughs quietly, seemingly amused by her antics. It's weird how it's not even embarrassing to be turned down by him or to be naked in his presence, and she feels kind of comforted by his appreciative gaze.

"What happened?" he asks softly, and she stiffens a little as he reaches out and trails the big scar at the left side of her midsection. The first connection between his finger and her skin makes her shiver slightly.

"I was in a car accident about a year back. My spleen ruptured…"

His brown eyes grow worried as his fingers still lightly trace the pink lines.

"So they cut you open and took it out?"

"Yeah…"

It's chilly in the night air and by now she starts to feel a little uncomfortable. Not particularly for being naked, she's proud of her body, even with the proofs from the car-crash, but he's not looking at her sexually. And his soft touch isn't meant to arouse. He's trying to get her to open up.

"And this one?" he asks and trails the smaller scar further up.

"They took a piece of my ribcage to make a stint for my knee."

"That bad, huh? Was that the same accident where got your heart broken?"

He's looking into her eyes now and he says the last words meaningly but not in a mocking way. His voice isn't much more then a whisper and the softness in it again make her think of someone else. She doesn't answer his question but it feels as though he hasn't expected her to either. Instead she looks away because her walls are dangerously low tonight, and she's scared that he'll break through.

And even though she looks out the window now, she can still feel his searching gaze.

"Sounds like you're lucky to be alive."

The way in which she had removed her shirt moments ago suddenly feels weird and now that he's no longer touching her but instead intertwines his fingers with hers and holds her hand, she feels a little ashamed.

"Yeah, that depends on how you look at it…" she whispers.

She shivers again and when he offers her the t-shirt back for the second time she takes it. He lets go of her hand for a moment while she pulls it back over her head and she finds herself using the short seconds when the fabric is hiding her face to try and still the sudden trembling of her lower lip.

"Brooke…"

He pulls the shirt down all the way. Links her hand back with his. "Tell me what happened…"

And surprisingly she wants to tell him. Suddenly she just wants to be small and weak and fragile in a way she hasn't been for so long that she can hardly remember how it feels.She looks down at their linked fingers, stares at his bigger hand holding her smaller one, and she finally meets his brown eyes. Slowly he moves towards her so that their faces are just inches apart.

"I'm not gonna sleep with you Brooke" he breathes as he leans in and pulls her closer. "But I'll hold you if you want…"

And with his arms around her, and his lips against her hair whispering soothing nothings, she finally lets go and starts crying. It's not the Niagara-falls of tears that she's feared.

But as the grey skies become pink and the sun begins to rise, she feels as though it's a start.

-

_But it's not so bad  
You're only the best I ever had  
You don't want me back  
You're just the best I ever had…_

--

* * *

**Author's note**: So what did you think? ;)

For those of you that used to read my story Gamble Everything For Love and that has given up on me ever updating it, I just want to say that I finally did, just a couple of days ago. And when receiving reviews for that one I realized even more how much my writing stems from your support. I'm telling you; It feels F-ing great to get reviews like the ones I get from you guys… I just wanted you to know…

Thank you's:

**Daniel** (FloatingDownARiver) – My love! You never stop spoiling me, you know that? And there's just something in the way you write those reviews or PM's to me that makes me smile so damn much. Like in a heart warming way… Do you know what I mean? Maybe it's because you're a boy, but you always seem to understand my Lucas so perfectly. Oh, but then you're also my perfect height! ;) Love you loads!

**Ren** (Laura369) – As I've already told you in my PM, I LOVED that review! It made my heart elevate. And now I'm just worried that I wont make the rest of the story justice in your eyes. LOL. I wonder what you thought of this chapter… I mean since you like Peyton… Did you think I painted her out wrong? And I have to tell you, even though I haven't had the time to answer your PM, I'm a huge talker myself :D Thank you again, and again, and again.

**Emma** (brucasnaleyjeyton) – I only have one thing to say to you: I LOVE YOU

**Ellie** (ellimo) – LOL and then there's my Ellie! Do you even know how happy I am that I have you on msn so that I can gush, not over my chapters, but over you! I know you love the angst, so now I'm wondering; how was this for you? ;) Tell me, tell me, tell me!! LOL

**Jules** (JULESM24) – You can say that however many times you want, my sweet, and I'll get equally happy every time. And of course you are so right too. Lucas' feelings are already starting to creep out in the open… But what'll happen now that Owen comes into the story, huh? LOL Thank you for supporting me in your beautiful way.

**Iluvmedou** – LMAO… I laughed so much when I read your review. I'm glad I got you so excited. Maybe with the BL-convo in this one you'll jump a little more? I actually think that you were the only one to mention that line from Rachel and I'm glad someone did. Because I have definitely not forgotten about my favorite redhead. Thanks! 

**Bri** (Tripnfallbri) - LOL, hun, who could ever deny that Brooke is hot stuff? Jokes aside, this review was just love! Your reviews are always so thought through. And I'll tell you right away, as long as you keep up the brilliant reviewing, I'll keep up the writing. :D

**Shaz** (Awhero) – And I'm so loving your reviews:D Of course Nathan is on team Brooke. I think deep inside he loves her as a sister.

Britt – And infinite love to you Britt! Never say sorry for writing long reviews, you know I love them. And don't worry about the baby-issue, of course it'll resurface at some point. I'm not saying how though ;) Chebelle – So I'm working on the Breyton here… and well Brucas… they're a little harder since Lucas continues to be an ass LOL. It's funny how most of us BL-ers keep taking Brooke side in all disputes. And Lindsey, I guess you feel even more sorry for her now. Thank you for the review :D 

**Michaela** (Mixs) Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie… what can I say other than that I love you. Thank you for being a supportive sister in all things that mean something to me. I'm glad to have you back in the neighborhood.

**Artemis no himitsu** – Finally someone who's mad at Brooke. LOL. I really liked you're angling of it all, and it made me think of some things I hadn't thought of. Thank you. 

**Ebony** (Jc4127) – It's okay hun, you are allowed to forever hate Peyton. I mean truthfully she was the one that broke up our beloved couple in the first place. At least we're rid of Lindsey for now. Thanks babe.

**Allie** (othfan326) – So Brooke might tell someone… but not the one you thought, right? ;) About the BP-friendship… after this chapter I guess it's a little clearer. I love your reviews.

**Chey** (jeytonbrucasnaley) – Can I just say that I love you? I don't even understand how you have the energy to review my fics since I keep bugging you 24/7. You rock!

**Treehilldreams** – You know what? I actually didn't think that the sextape was that stupid… but I guess I'm alone on that one. LOL I was only mad because Mark made Brooke look bad. BL will have it rough for a while, but I hope you'll stick with it. Thanks for the review.

**Savannah** – Lucas might not find out the way you think… I'm glad I've got you all excited though LOL. And of course Luke forgot the exhibition in the wake of Brooke's return. ;)

**Ariadnescurse**– And I'm positively thrilled to see that you're still reading this. I love your reviews

**Mina** (missdenmark) Hunnie, our favorite boy is living in the land of denial… I don't think I've ever given you reason to doubt my BL-ness, right? Maybe he's just scared? ;)

**Janie** – I totally agree that BL needs to realize stuff on their own. Part of their problem has always been outside pressure coughpeytoncough thanks for the sweet review

**Vicky** (lucas4brooke4ever) – I'm a BN-friendship lover as well, that's why I started writing GEFL. I won't promise you that they'll have that strong of a bond here, but he's doing the best he can to help out. Thank you sweetie.

**Ali** (finallyPJ) – is this soon enough for you sweetie? I had to squeeze out GEFL in between.

**Treenuh** – LOL, believe me, it broke my heart to write that sentence. It felt as though I went against my BL-beliefs.

**Brucas2006** – Rachel might throw a fit. LOL And with Peyton? I guess she didn't act quite the way you thought, right?

**Trish** (OTHbrucasforever) – About the friends THEN lovers-part… I guess it doesn't look that good right now. But in the land of BL, things can change quickly. ;)

**Whitney** (Whiters) – I'm glad you understand why he acts the way he does, but I totally agree that his wishes of erasing Brooke is somewhat delusional. Don't worry though, NH loves Brooke way too much to do that.

**Chelsea**brucaschopia4evr)– thanks for the review hun. LOL, I was always mad at Nathan myself for interrupting them, and then I realized that I was the one who wrote the scene… :S

**Erika** x3 – I promise you that you'll hear the end of that discussion. And Lucas is hurt and doesn't want to be reminded of the past. I agree he's being somewhat of an ass though LOL.

**Svblfb4life** - thank you for understanding that it takes time to heal. And thank you for the review. :D

Flipflogal Bella Nina Brucas333 Daisygirl24 TheCuteNikki Princetongirl Sbf Jess (QuieraStrawberry9), **Brucas224 BRUCAS123 dancefever0234 LiZ457**… - Thank you all for taking the time to press the button :D 


	11. Leaving Some Things Unsaid

**Authors note:** So time for a new chapter… Lately my mind keeps drifting and I'm blaming it on the endless winter. But I hope I can stick to updating as often as I have for this fic. The lyrics and title are from the song 'Unsaid' by the Fray. Enjoy…

* * *

**CHAPTER 11 - Leaving Some Things Unsaid**

_Not that you're the one  
Not to say I'm right _

_Not to say today  
And not to say a thing tonight_

He always leaves the door to his home unlocked and as if it's not weird at all, Peyton walks right into Lucas' house without even knocking. She strolls through his spacious kitchen and flips the switch to the coffee maker, before continuing into his bedroom. And without waiting even a second she coldheartedly rips the blankets off of him.

He groans and tries to pull them back up but she has carelessly thrown them on the floor.

"What the fuck Peyton…" he mumbles but she just looks back at him, her arms crossed over her chest.

"It's freaking one o'clock Lucas. We were supposed to meet for lunch an hour ago."

Pretending not to hear her he buries his head even deeper into the pillows.

"Leave me alone Peyt… I'm hung over, I just wanna go back to sleep…"

This time he can literally hear the tense silence that fills the room and he bites his tongue. Why the hell had he said that?

"You're hung over? Did you drink last night?"

He doesn't answer but it's not really needed. Her questions are just asked to state her disappointment. He waits for the angry outburst soon to wash over him but it doesn't come. Instead she seems to watch him closely for a couple of seconds, and when satisfied she says;

"Kitchen in 5 minutes, preferably showered and dressed. We need to talk."

"Hell no" he grunts and turns his back towards her, but she just chuckles dryly.

"As I said Lucas, five minutes. Longer than that and I'm calling Haley."

Fuck. Haley would rip him to shreds.

But apparently Peyton's threats were idle, because when he enters the kitchen twenty minutes later she sits alone at the table. He scratches his neck tiredly and fills a mug with coffee before leaning towards the sink a few feet away from her.

"Look Peyt, I'm sorry… I totally forgot about lunch."

She sighs and shakes her head. "Come on, that's not why I'm disappointed and you know it. Drinking Lucas? I mean, how wise is that really?"

He sighs too, feeling guilty for more reasons than one.

"Don't worry. I just had a really bad night last night…"

"Brooke's presence is finally getting to you, huh?"

"No! God, what's with all of you?" he retorts loudly and slams his coffee-mug down on the counter. "First Nathan, then mom and Haley. And now _you_."

Peyton just watches him as if he's being a ridiculous child and he picks the mug back up and takes a sip to hide that he hates how they all try to look into his head. Wanting him to think about stuff that is off limits, forcing him to face sides of himself that he really doesn't want to face.

"You know I'm just worried," she finally says. "And so are everyone else. You've been sober for thirteen months Lucas. I just don't see why you would jeopardize that."

He spins the cup between his hands, not sure how to explain.

"Look, I broke up with Lindsey last night and it wasn't a nice experience. When I got home I went through some old stuff and I just really needed a drink…"

"Why'd you break up with Lindsey? I thought you liked her?"

The curly blonde looks shocked and he understands her.

"I _do_ like her. I like her very much…" he says silently. Then he empties his mug of coffee and rubs the sleep out of his eyes with the back of his hand. "…just not enough I guess."

They're both quiet for a while. He's too tired to smalltalk and Peyton seems lost in her own thoughts. So he blankly stares out the window and when she finally talks, he almost jumps.

"Seriously, you do understand why I'm worried, right? I know you hate being reminded of it but you were a wreck last time you drank…"

He nods. He does understand.

"I'm not going back to that Peyton. I was in a really bad place back then and I'm good now. You don't have to worry. I can handle it."

She still looks sceptical and maybe it's not that strange. He had been a wreck and it had landed upon her, his mother, Haley and Nathan to pick up the pieces of his broken state. In return he hadn't said thank you. He hadn't even given them the explanation they all deserved. And he still hadn't.

Now he walks over to the table, sits down next to her and grabs her hand over the table.

"I mean it Peyton," he repeats. "I can handle it. Don't worry."

She blinks and looks down.

"The last time you told me not to worry was that night in New York when I told you I wanted to get back together with you. You turned me down, remember? And I asked you how I would ever find a guy like you… I also asked you if you thought I would ever have my friendship back with Brooke for real and you said not to worry, on both accounts."

Sighing, he rolls his eyes. He opens his mouth to answer but she continues.

"I'm still single, and don't worry, I heard what you said that night and I agree that we're much better as friends. But I'm just stating than you might be wrong when telling me not to worry. I haven't met guy even half as good as you and I've talked to Brooke three times in 18 months, last night included…"

He lets go of her hand now, suddenly annoyed with the turn their conversation is taking.

"Please don't start Peyt… I really don't want to talk about Brooke…"

Peyton clearly pouts and he feels like he's being teleported back to when they dated in high school. He hates the whiny version of his blonde friend so he starts to get up but then he hears her mumble "Fine… I just wish you'd tell me what happened…"

He looks away, feeling guilty. But he still doesn't want to talk about it.

He just can't.

-b-

Down by the beach walk it's crowded and busy. People are walking in and out of shops, enjoying the beautiful spring weather sitting outside cafés or just strolling down the promenade.

Brooke sits across from Owen at one of the table's outside Starbucks and she slowly sips a tall caramel latte with whipped crème. It's not halfway as good as the ones that Karen used to make, but with Karen's Café being redecorated as they spoke, this was as close as it would get.

The sweet hot liquid still tastes somewhat bitter but after last night she feels as though she has to try to move on for real. The small breakdown in Owen's old car had been strangely freeing, and at first she felt really ashamed, but Owen had just waited until she finished crying, found her some tissues in the glove-compartment and then brought her to a 24-hour open diner. And there, in a far off corner only seen by a fat truck-driver and a bored waitress, he had bought her pancakes and she had told him the story of hers and Lucas' complicated relationship, from beginning to end.

She told him about high school, about the tattoo and the letters. About Peyton and the cheating and about only having said 'I love you' to one boy. She even told him about their reunion in New York and about the accident.

She just left certain parts out.

He was a good listener. Just nodded when needed or asked encouraging questions when her voice cracked and her heart felt like it was breaking. And when she needed distraction and time to breath he joked or told her anecdotes about his own life.

Most of all, he didn't push her, and when the diner started to fill up with breakfast-guests he took her back to her hotel to give her the choice of crawling into bed for well needed sleep. But that's when it all had gone a little overboard.

She had actually been back to laughing at that point, already feeling comfortable in his company, and when they got out of the elevator on the top floor, giggling like high school kids, she hadn't been prepared to be blinded by bright flashes.

Within the matter of seconds she felt like she had been thrown back to her life in New York.

"_Ms Davis!"_

"_Who's the guy Brooke? Is he the reason to why you're back in Tree Hill?"_

"_Why have you been hiding?"_

"_Ms Davis, look this way! Hey dude, what's your name?" _

_She sighed and looked at Owen, who had frozen in his spot beside her, looking completely shocked. She wanted to tell him to cover his face to not end up in every gossip magazine in the country, but she knew it was already too late._

"_Sorry…" she mumbled silently, and he finally snapped out of his daze and shook his head. Then he gently grabbed her elbow._

"_Not your fault, Brooke" he said and then simple led her back into the still open elevator before shielding the entrance from the reporters with his free arm. _

_As the elevator doors closed she could still hear the rapidly asked questions and she sighed deeply._

"_Owen, I think we may need your car…"_

She remembers thinking that Rachel would have been proud at the way her new friend had handled the situation. He had gotten her out of there quickly, managed to not say anything stupid and he had been calm. Calmer then she had been herself.

And since her option of sleeping had been pretty much crossed out, he instead offered her his bed and added that he'd take the couch. Although the though of going to bed alone without popping sleeping pills felt as far away possible from what she wanted, so instead she took a shower in his tiny bathroom, borrowed one of his sweaters, and then, almost two hours ago, they had walked down here to hide away in the tourist-crowd.

"Aren't you tired?" she asks him now and licks some milk-foam from her spoon.

"Me?"

He shrugs and smiles a crooked boyish smile. "Naw… I'm a bartender, remember? I'm used to working nights and skipping sleep."

He doesn't return the question. It would be unnecessary since she's already told him that she doesn't sleep that much. Instead he watches her closely and takes a sip of his grape-soda.

"Can I ask you something, Brooke?"

"Sure."

"How come you decided to tell me all this? I mean, I see why you didn't tell Lucas… there's obviously still lots of issues between you guys. But why didn't you tell one of your friends?"

Now she is the one shrugging.

"Honestly, I don't know. But I think it was partly just because you were there at the right time, you know?"

"And because you don't know me…" he says, nodding. "I guess it's easier sometimes."

She's just about to say that he's probably right, although she really feels as though she does know him. But her cell phone starts ringing and she picks it up instead, and as soon as she says 'hello' Rachel's voice comes booming through the receiver.

"What the hell Brooke!? How could you NOT tell me you were in fucking _Tree Hill_!?"

"Uhm…"

Shit. Busted.

She has known that this would come sooner or later. Actually she's pretty surprised that it's taken this long. However, after this morning's run in with the media she has basically been counting down the seconds. And now that Rachel has found out, she doesn't know how to respond to the redhead's anger. She knows she should have just told her, and that Rachel has all the right in the world to be disappointed and pissed off.

"I'm sorry…" she mumbles. "I just needed a break… I needed to see_him_."

"_Him_? As in Lucas? Or maybe you mean Owen McAllister, huh? God!"

Rachel's voice is filled with frustration. "Damn it Brooke, don't tell me you've gone down there and done something stupid… How long have you been there? Philip said you left Cabo weeks ago. And now I have press calling every fucking second, wanting to know what the hell the head of Clothes over Bros is doing hiding in a small town in North Carolina!"

She sighs. She wants to tell Rachel everything that's happened lately but she figures she can do that later when she's not with Owen. Owen has after all listened to her long enough.

"I've been here fifteen days" she mutters quietly. "But it's not what you think Rach… I'm doing business down here too. I bought Karen's café and the contractors started the renovation yesterday… When they're done we can branch out down here…"

Owen is watching her from across the table and he gives her a smile probably meant to comfort her, because everybody in a six miles radius can hear the next outburst coming from her cell phone.

"I'm working my _ass_ off to keep everything running smoothly here in New York, and you're down there remodelling cafés? Seriously Brooke! Do you even understand how worried I've been? What are you doing right now? And what the hell were you doing in a hotel corridor at seven o'clock in the morning with Owen?"

She smiles back apologetically towards the brown haired, brown eyed bartender. Then she thinks of something.

"How did know that his name is Owen _McAllister_, Rach? I didn't even know that myself, and Owen didn't say a word to the reporters..."

There's a three seconds silence on the line and then Rachel yells so loudly that even the people inside Starbuck's probably hears her.

"Because I used to date him! Because the fucking asshole was my first_boyfriend_!"

She looks at Owen again and as her jaw falls, she can see him go pale and he mouths "Rachel Gatina?"

Oh shit.

_We're both pretty sure  
Neither one can tell  
We seem difficult  
What we got is hard as hell_

Lucas turns the volume up on the car-stereo and backs out of his driveway. Peyton had finally left, after going on and on about the stupidity of drinking, and he had barely had time to change before he had to leave to go meet Nathan.

Today is River court day. Even though he's still hung over and not at all in the mood. But if he told Nathan that, then there would be hell to pay, especially if he added the empty bottle of Johnny Walker from last night to that conversation.

He changes the station on the radio and sighs as 'Konstantine' by Something Corporate fills the confined space of the car. Lately his music-collection has shrunken considerably. There's just so many songs that ruins his mood nowadays, songs that are making him restless and irritated.

He flips the station once more and finally settles for an aggressive rap-song. His brother's choice of music sucks, but at least it doesn't give him that ill feeling.

It's humid and rather warm outside, and he rolls the window down and watches the scenery pass by. He wonders how Lindsey is doing today. If she's sad or angry, and if he somehow could have saved last night's situation and made it easier on her. And even though he knows on the inside that the answer to that question is no, he still feels as if he should have tried. She definitely deserved better than to get slapped in the face by his bad judgement.

Passing by Tree Hill High, he thinks of Lindsey's sad face when he left her apartment, and he adds hurting the blonde to the list of reasons to why he's angry with Brooke. Another reason already on that list is that he nowadays has to drive twice as long to get a decent cup of coffee.

He had walked passed his mom's old café last night and it was already empty apart from construction-material and buckets of paint. According to Haley they had already started rebuilding.

So now he has to take the longer road down towards the beachwalk and Starbuck's to get coffee. And just as he parks outside, he sees the girl that's been occupying his thoughts. She's sitting at one of the tables outside the entrance, and as she throws her head back and laughs, he freezes and just stares.

Brooke and that guy. That bartender from last night.

He gets out of the car and slams the door shut loudly, making the guests at the outside terrace turn and look at him. Most loose interest instantly, but one pair of eyes sticks glued to his.

The shy and somewhat guarded smile on Brooke's face makes the guy turn as well, and for some reason this annoys him beyond words. Suddenly his bad mood becomes straight up rotten and he finds himself stopping right next to their table.

"Hi Lucas" she says still smiling, but to him it looks forced and plastic. "You and Lindsey both disappeared last night and I didn't get a chance to say good bye."

The sun breaks through and as if just to mock him, she looks even more beautiful. Without makeup and dressed in last night's short denim skirt and a big hoody, she looks like _his_ Brooke, not like that fashion designer he doesn't know.

Watching as she pulls her hands deep into the sleeves of the sweater, he realizes that it's much too big to belong to her, and he mutters: "We cut the night short."

His eyes then travel over to the bartender before he continues in an icy tone "…but your night seems to still be very much in progress. Tell me Brooke, who's your friend?"

The dark haired guy extends his hand, saying "Hi. I'm Owen", but he just shakes his head disbelievingly and walks in to get coffee. He can feel Brooke's disappointed gaze burning holes in the back of his head but he doesn't care. And when he returns five minutes later, the table that she had been sitting at is occupied by an old lady with a dog.

He gets back into his car and drives towards the River Court, and all the way there he busies himself with pretending that he doesn't wonder how and where Brooke had spent the night.

_A hundred thousand words  
could not quite explain_

"I can't believe I almost hooked up with Rachel's ex…" Brooke giggles and picks up a shell from the beach. "Can you believe that Hales? God, the world is soo small."

Haley laughs and shields her eyes from the sun with her hand. It's late afternoon now, Owen has gone back to work his evening shift at Tric, and she had met up Haley and James down on the beach for a walk before it was time to head home and prepare dinner.

"Yeah, I agree…" Haley mumbles before shouting; "Jamie! Stay out of the water, baby. It's still too cold!"

James is just a little blonde dot in the distance and she can't help but smile when he runs back and forth like a tiny ball of energy. And the water might be cold, but the air is not. It's April now, almost May, and she's glad that Haley had brought her a t-shirt along with the big sunglasses she had asked for. It had been nice to get out of Owens big sweater. Not only because she was sweating in it, but because it reminded her too much of the grey old hoody hanging in the back of her closet at home in New York.

A stolen sweater from a past long gone.

"Thanks for letting me crash at your house tonight Tutor-mom, my hotel is gonna be a war-zone the next couple of days. Are you sure that Nathan won't mind though?"

Haley turns her attention back to her and laughs.

"When has my husband ever minded having you around Tigger? Huh? Plus, our house has paparazzi-secured gates. The reporters can't bug you there so just stay as long as you like. Jamie's going to be so thrilled tomorrow when he wakes up and finds that you're still around."

There's a long silence and they walk side by side down the sandy beach to keep up with the little boy. She knows that Haley is used to having the media in her life since Nathan gets his fair share of press coverage, but it still feels as if she's bringing all this crap with her into their rather peaceful life.

Not only Haley's and Nathan's, but Lucas' as well. And for the first time during her little over two week long stay, she actually thinks about the way she's complicating _his_ life. It's more than clear that he doesn't want her here. Not at all.

The hopes that she had nourished that they might be able to sit down and actually talk seems small to none, especially after the way he had acted earlier with Owen.

"Just tell me if I'm in the way…" she stresses, before squatting down and opening her arms to catch the tiny blond whirlwind running towards her. And as the little boy slams into her chest and knocks her over into the sand, she starts laughing.

Being around her godson is like band-aids for her soul.

_But suffice it to say  
We're leaving things unsaid_

It's late afternoon when Lucas pulls his sweater over his head in frustration and throws it on the old picnic table. Nathan is beating his ass triple-fold, which isn't that weird since Nathan is a NBA-player and he himself just plays the occasional pick-up game for fun. But sometimes it annoys him. They used to be equals, before the stupid heart disease. Before _everything_.

He used to be able to keep up. But lately he doesn't.

"Damn it!" he lets out angrily after missing yet another three point shot on a basically open basket. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Nathan pauses. "Maybe you should take it a little easy Luke. When was your last HCM-check up?"

His brother's careful question makes him even more annoyed. He's not a child, or a freaking cripple. He's just lost his game. Just like he has lost his ability to write, and some days even his drive to get out of bed.

"Stop pampering me," he mutters. "I'm fine." And Nathan simply shrugs and keeps bouncing the ball, obviously unwilling to pass it up.

"You sure? You've been a bit 'off' lately. Is everything okay with the girlfriend?"

"We broke up, so it's freaking peachy! Pass the ball!"

By now Nathan looks at him funny and has even stopped dribbling.

"What the hell's wrong with you Luke? Your mood-swings are worse then Haley's when she was pregnant… This break-up, is this by any chance Brooke-related?"

He stops dead. He had totally forgotten about Nathan's drunken outburst last night.

"_You DO love her! I know that look man! You haven't had that look in like forever…"_

"I told you last night and I'm telling you now…" he mutters, "You're delirious…"

The Brooke he loved is gone. Has been for a long time, and he's not thinking about her anymore. Brooke is his past and he's living in the present. She might have been part of why he fucked up his relationship with Lindsey, but she has certainly nothing to do with his bad mood or his inability to play ball.

But Nathan just sighs and finally shoots.

"Whatever man. Whatever…"

_Not that you're the one  
Not to say I'm right…_

A couple of days pass.

Brooke's getting a hang of this now, to not run into him. To concentrate on the 'bigger' things like going back to running her company, even if it's over the phone from a smalltown in North Carolina. Or making sure that the contractors do their job with remodelling the store and help take James to his soccer-practice.

She moves back to her hotelroom and finally deals with the reporters camping in the hallway. Hands them the story Rachel has drawn up of why she's here, and she gets of easy with just a couple of assumptions about her and Owen in the gossip-column. She's even nice enough to pose for some pictures with Peyton at one of her record signings just to show that she's not hiding anything.

Peyton seems pleased, and even though they've yet to have the 'talk' Peyton wanted, it's at least easier to hang out with her former best friend now. To not pretend.

But of course not about _everything_.

She runs into Lindsey once in the supermarket but the blonde girl turns and leaves before she has the time to say 'hello' and she figures it's for the best. Figures that the less she sees of Lucas' girlfriend, the easier it is to pretend that she doesn't exist. And she'll be going back to New York soon either way. At least that's what she has promised Rachel who slaves to keep her mother from taking over and making a mess.

Another two weeks, then she has to be back in New York to walk the runway in the Victoria's Secret Show. And to not show up to _that_ is really not an option.

She doesn't have that much time to hang out with her new friend Owen, but at least they meet up for coffee once, and when Nathan and Haley trade her company for a well deserved night alone, he takes her to dinner at a really crappy pizza-place. It turns out to be a fun night. It really does. It just reminds her a little too much of her high school days.

But tonight, when she's decided to meet the girls at Tric, she's more than happy that Owen will be around if things get as weird as it had last time.

And just as promised, he greets her as soon as she steps through the door, and his wide smile is comforting. He has a rough streak, with his five o'clock shadow and his mischievous crooked smile, but he has kind eyes. Searching eyes that in a lot of ways remind her of Lucas' although Owens are brown, not blue.

And when she hugs him, safely wrapped in strong arms, she spots Lucas over his shoulder for the first time since he stepped up to her at Starbucks. And he doesn't look as pissed as he had then, but his blue eyes are following their every movement, and his gaze is dark.

"Busy night…" she mumbles to Owen over the loud music and scans the interior of the club.

She curses inwardly. In a way she had really hoped Lucas wouldn't be here, because seeing him with his new blonde girl makes acting happy so much harder. She can't spot Lindsey yet but she could be anywhere in the crowd. It's pretty much a full house and the line to the bar seems never ending.

She pulls back a bit, smiles and asks "Don't you have to work?"

But Owen laughs and gives her a last squeeze before letting go.

"Nah… they can wait. All your friends seem to be here. And since I knew you were gonna come by, I cleared my schedule a bit for later. I figured you might need some back-up. I mean since your relationship with_him…"_He nods in the direction of Lucas "…seems a bit complicated…"

"Yeah, about that… I'm sorry you got in the way of his pissy attitude the other day. We, well…"

"Have a history? You told me. It's alright though, you're worth it."

He winks at her, but with a serious undertone. Sighing, she thanks him and he grabs her hand and leads her over to the tables in the back where Haley and Peyton are sitting with some friends of theirs.

"Delivering one Brooke Davis" he says and smiles towards her friends. Then he turns to face her and says in a much lower voice; "I gotta go work for a bit, but if you need me, you know where I'll be, right?"

She nods and gives him a quick hug before plopping down next to Haley.

"Where's tutor-baby?" she says and takes a sip from her friend's wineglass. "I mean, although I enjoy the company of my handsome godson, I think he's a little young to go club-hopping…"

"He's at home with Nathan. He said I deserved a night out with you guys. It's been a while since it was just us girls…"

"Yeah."

Haley half-smiles, looking a little sad. "I don't really know…it might be because you two have been acting like estranged cousins the last year and a half…" Then she laughs and shrugs. "Sorry for being all mushy… I'm just so glad to have you both home. It's been weird without my best friends."

Peyton smiles and she feels herself smile too. But then Haley has to go ruin it with saying;

"But talking about avoiding people. What is up with you avoiding Lucas like the plague? You know you're hurting him, right? He said something about a run-in at Starbuck's?"

Haley. Always the do-gooder. And even though it's impossible for her friend to know exactly how much that last comment hurts her, she's still annoyed. Because she's avoiding Lucas for a reason, not because she wants to. She's doing it because the alternative might break her completely, since he clearly doesn't want her around. And still, avoiding her blond ex like she has for the last couple of weeks is harder then she ever thought it would be.

So she looks away and mumbles; "I'm not avoiding him… we're just not that close anymore… plus, he has Lindsey."

At this Peyton stops her conversation with the girl next to her and looks at Brooke.

"Actually… they broke up."

"What?"

She sits dumbstruck, not at all prepared for this.

"Yeah. It's been over basically since you came back, probably even before that. But they broke up officially a week ago. The night when Fall Out Boy played here, remember?"

The night she almost slept with Owen.

_The ni__ght when Lucas had said that he'd never stopped thinking about her, but also that he had moved on..._

"Why didn't you tell me?"

She feels weird now. Lately she's been so wrapped up in her own issues that she's hardly talked to her friends. And hers and Peyton's friendship had been next to non existent the last year so she doesn't blame her, but she still feels like Haley should have told her this. Since she's never told Peyton about everything that happened last fall, Peyton couldn't possibly know what this means to her. But Haley should. In the back of her head Haley had always known.

"I, personally, think its good," Haley says and rolls her eyes. "Really. They should never have gotten together in the first place. Lucas wasn't ready for that type of commitment. I told him that, Nathan told him… even Mouth. But it was a safe choice I guess."

Peyton nods and then stands up and runs a hand through her curls. "I'm going to get something to drink. Want anything?"

Still a bit confused at the news of the golden couple breaking up, Brooke just nods. Maybe alcohol is just what she needs. And when Peyton leaves for the bar she turns towards Haley completely.

"But Hales…" she says, suddenly feeling even more confused. "If Nathan is at home and Luke broke up with Lindsey, then why is Lucas standing in the bar alone and not sitting here with you guys?"

Haley frowns.

"What do you mean? Lucas is here? Where?"

Everywhere, she thinks but she doesn't answer. Lucas Scott is fucking everywhere…

_And we are leaving some things unsaid  
And we are breathing deeper instead_

He doesn't even know what he's doing here.

He should be at Nathan's house, having a 'guys-night' with his brother and nephew, but instead he's at Tric, standing in the bar alone like a complete loser. He's drinking again. And this time he can't say it's a one-time-thing or a moment of bad judgement, because it had been a conscious choice. He had walked in here two hours ago, and on his own he had walked up to the bar and ordered a double whiskey. Now, he's upped that amount of drinks with three more.

He knows that Brooke is in the club too. He saw her when she arrived and drink number two was downed twice as quickly as number one when he saw the bartender-guy greet her at the door.

Owen seemed to have trailed Brooke everywhere the last couple of days and Lucas angrily downs a couple of gulps of his fourth drink when seeing her lean over the bar to smack Owens arm playfully. According to Nathan, Brooke had been on a date with the guy the other night, apparently at an Italian restaurant, and on Wednesday he saw them on Starbucks again.

And truthfully, it's not only the jealousy he feels whenever he sees the close bond they seem to be building. It's also the way Owen touches her. Softly, protectively. Almost in a caressing manner, which makes him feel like Owen isn't just in this competition for Brooke's body. He's in it for her heart. And this is a feeling that has him scared shitless, that makes him retract even further into himself.

Although tonight he has turned towards his friends 'Jim Beam' and 'José Cuervo'. What had been planned to be 'one' drink had now turned into a full drinking-spree, figuring that it would be easier if he was drunk. But it seems to be failing since seeing Brooke laugh with Owen just keeps pulling out the worst in him. Makes him want to wipe the smirk off of the bartender's face and the dimples off of Brooke's.

And when she happens to pass him in the bar a moment later, probably heading for the ladies room, he grabs her arm.

A half-smirk crosses his face as he sees the insecure expression on her that he's evoking. For reasons unknown to him he feels like being mean. Make her crumble and stop being so fucking perfect and emotionless.

He pulls her body flush against his, his smirk growing, and he whispers:

"Give it up, Brooke."

Her eyes snap up, boring into his. The insecure face turning into more of a questioning one. There is irritation showing in her eyes as well and it triggers him even more.

"Give up the fucking charade," he continues in an almost cruel tone. "Just tell me what you came here for. Why Tree Hill? Why Now?"

She tries to push him away, but he turns and holds her firmly between the counter of the bar and his own body.

"Just say it" he spits through clenched teeth, suddenly realizing that there is more than anger he's feeling. Her body is too close to his own and lust is clouding over his brain. He concentrates on her mouth, wetting his own lips with his tongue unconsciously and he knows that he's not supposed to want her. He's not supposed to be aching to touch her. But he does. And he is.

"Let me go Lucas" she says coldly, but her voice isn't coming out quite as determined as she probably would like.

"No" he says simply, before he slams against her, crashing his lips against hers and kissing her hard while pushing her up against the edge of the bar even more. She resists for a moment before giving in and granting him entrance to her mouth. Inwardly he groans as his tongue slips inside.

The kiss last less than five seconds, but it's enough to kill him. To make every single kiss from the past wash over him like a tidal wave.

Then she suddenly breaks loose.

"Seriously" she hisses and presses her hands hard against his chest so that he has to back away. "Let. Me. Go."

Okay, so maybe he shouldn't have kissed her. And maybe he shouldn't act like an ass when around her. But her indifference is driving him insane and for a second when he kissed her he saw emotion, so now he wants to provoke more. Force her to _feel_.

"Then tell me" he pushes. "Tell me what you're doing back in Tree Hill! I can't relax when you're everywhere I go…"

She looks hurt now, but it's only for a second. Had he blinked then he would have missed it. But even now that he's taken a step back, she's still locked in the space between him and the bar and he grabs the counter on each side of her when she doesn't meet his eyes.

"Business. It's just for business…" she mumbles.

He mocks hurt in a sarcastic way, still without letting go of her, and says:

"Sure Brooke. So what does business mean to you? What's your plan? You wanna have a quick drunk fuck and then leave again? Well, I'm in.We can do it right here..."

He leans in again, in attempt to once again trap her with his kiss. Own her with his mouth. But then a hand grabs his shoulder and pulls him back.

"What the hell, man!? Get off her!"

He turns his head slowly and the darkhaired bartender stares back at him with eyes full of anger, but he just shrugs him off. The guy has nothing to do with this. He doesn't _know_.

"Fuck off!"

He turns his eyes back towards Brooke and is actually surprised to see her bottom lip trembling. She looks at him and at first he can't really read the expression on her face. Where had he seen it before? It takes maybe just a fragment of a second but then it hits him; She looks scared.

_He_ is scaring her.

This time he takes the step back voluntarily but as soon as he does, a fist collides with his jaw, making him stumble back and almost fall. Another jab comes right after the first one and he doesn't even have time to find his balance so this time he hits the floor.

It hurts like hell but not from the punches Owen has just thrown.

It hurts because Brooke still looks frightened, and because she seeks comfort behind Owen's back.

_Not that you're the one  
Not to say I'm right  
Not to say today  
And not to say a thing tonight_

"You okay Brooke?"

She must have zoned out because Owen watches her closely, and if Peyton wasn't standing there too she'd probably say "No". But the curly blonde girl that has known her for so many years has no clue about how complicated the situation is, and she really doesn't want to explain it either. So she simply shrugs and nods.

"Yeah, I'm alright…"

"He didn't hurt you, right?" Peyton asks, and for a girl that had first yelled at Owen for punching Lucas, she looked rather concerned. As if tiny pieces of a puzzle are being pieced together in that blond curly head, and the thought of that scares her.

"No…"

Maybe she should have made her response a little stronger. Now both the blonde girl and the brown-haired boy look back at her sceptically and she feels uncomfortable as it is, so she looks away.

"You want me to take you home?" Owen asks with an even softer voice and she nods again.

Peyton looks a bit hurt but she can't bare sitting in a car alone with Peyton right now. She'd have to explain why Lucas had behaved the way he did and why he practically called her a whore, and frankly she doesn't even know herself. His sudden outburst threw her off completely. Since she got back to Tree Hill he had hardly offered her more than a nod or a shrug of his shoulders so she really hadn't expected that kiss.

At first she had just been unsure of how to react, but she had never seen him act this way before and the coldness actually scared her. And she guesses that Lucas really hadn't expected to get punched in the face and find that both Peyton and Haley had been watching the whole scene…

But even after he had collected himself, he hadn't even looked like her Lucas. He had looked like somebody completely different. Someone angry and detached. Someone she doesn't even know.

"Can we walk back?" she says silently, "I think I need some air…"

-l-

They don't say a single word to each other on the way to his house, and once they are parked and inside the front door Haley just points in the direction of the living room and hisses: "Go sit!" She disappears into the kitchen and Lucas slumps down on the couch and sighs.

He feels like shit. Can't get the expression on Brooke's face out of his mind, and he rubs his temples.

He had promised her that he'd _never_ hurt her on purpose, and tonight he did.

It's late, probably around two o'clock in the morning and it's quiet outside. He gets up and walks over to the big glass doors facing the garden and pulls them open. Early summer-night air fills the room and he breathes in deeply in an effort to clean himself on the inside and to sober up. Because as memories comes back to haunt him, he needs the sobriety to 'feel'. He needs it to punish himself.

And what better way to do that then to think back to that night in New York…

Truthfully, he had lied to Brooke back when he told her that he didn't remember much of their night together after his book release party.

He remembered every single second.

It was just that back then it felt weird to say it because she had hardly remembered anything, and after the accident he had just tried to force himself to forget. But in all honesty he never did. And just by that forced 5 second-long kiss he had now opened Pandora's box.

As Haley slams an ice-pack in front of him on the table and angrily stomps out of the room again he rests his face in his arms and lets himself succumb to it. Lets himself think back for the first time in over a year.

It hurts like hell, but he needs it.

_She looked like a dream come true, rested against the wall of that house in Greenwich Village. Her hair blowing in the breeze and her cheeks a little flushed from the alcohol and maybe from suddenly being so close to him. And he couldn't help himself._

_It was crazy, not thought through at all, and he had probably expected her to slap him across the face, but once his lips met hers every coherent thought went flying out the window. _

_Then his tongue met hers and slow, so freaking slow, they did what had always come so natural between them. _

_They kissed._

_He cupped her face with his free hand and then slid his fingers down her cheek, along her neck and further down her collarbone, and just when he was about to pull her closer and pick up the pace of the tantalizing experience, she pulled away. Pushed him backwards._

"_No Luke…" she said and closed her eyes. "Don't…"_

_He squinted and tried to collect himself but his mind refused to co-operate. The kiss still had all his senses going on overdrive._

"_Why?" he asked, and she sighed._

"_Because you're hurting Luke… You're in denial because Peyton just said "no" to your proposal. But kissing me will only make matters worse, trust me…"_

_She looked calm, drunk still, but calm. And he wondered how she could be. His own heart was beating so fast in his chest that it felt like it would thump right through his shirt._

"_Peyton has nothing to do with this…" he mumbled. "This is you and me Brooke."_

"_It doesn't work that way and you know it. Someone will get hurt…"_

_She was still mere centimeters away and he moved in again. Refused to listen to her attempts of reason._

"_I'd never hurt you Brooke."_

_His lips caught hers in another kiss and she let out something that sounded like a mix between a moan and a sigh of despair. He pulled her closer and when he felt her trying to back up, into the brick wall, he pulled back. _

"_I mean it… I'd NEVER hurt you on purpose" he whispered, still feeling her hot breath against his face. "Never…"_

_And this time when their lips crashed together, it was her who closed the gap._

She continued it, he thinks as he sits back up and puts the icepack against his bruised jaw. After he had made the promise that was now officially broken, _she_ had kissed him back and _she_ had wanted him too.

And this is what pains him the most. That at that point, that night, he had her. She had been his then, just like she had for a while in high school and that first night after she woke up in the hospital.

But somewhere after that he must have misread her, because now she's far from his, and just like during the first months after he had left Brooke in New York, he's now back to analyzing what the hell it was that had gone wrong. He had really though she felt it. The connection between them. And tonight, for a split second when he kissed her, he saw the same thing in her eyes. At least until he opened his mouth and said those things.

He winces as the cold from the icepack stings on his bruised skin. The bartender-guy had a pretty good right hook. And not that he didn't deserve it… However angry he's been at Brooke lately, he knows he went too far.

Right now it's probably not even stretching it to say that she hates him. But that doesn't mean that he can't still remember…

_And we are leaving some things unsaid  
And we are breathing deeper instead  
And we are leaving some things unsaid_

Brooke hugs Owen goodbye in the lobby to her hotel and she knows that he's watching her as she walks to the elevator and steps inside, pushing the top-floor button.

She knows that he's worried. He had asked her several times as they walked back from Tric if she wanted him to come with her upstairs, but she had declined. She needs the time alone, because she feels more confused than ever.

She needs to think about the kiss. And about the fact that she kissed him back when she shouldn't have. _Again_.

Saying that she doesn't want him would be a lie, and she had longed for him to reach out to her for almost 18 months, but tonight when she had let him kiss her, it had been in the wrong way. He kissed her to punish her.

He kissed her because he held all the power. Because he could make her do anything, even when it was wrong...

She opens the door to her suite with her card-key and flips the light switch. The spacious room suddenly bathes in light and it just feels wrong, so she turns it off again.

It's been almost two years. 21 months and 6 days to be exact. But she knows that she had been the one to make it happen when they slept together. Sure, he had kissed her. But she had been the one to take it further. She had tried to be valiant at first and she had told him that it was wrong, but once his lips were reconnected with hers the second time, outside that house in Greenwich Village, she knew she had to have him.

So for once she had just gone with it. Followed her gut-feeling.

_The boyish innocent look was back in his eyes for a second as she pulled her hand out from under his shirt and intertwined her fingers with his. He looked lost but she pressed her lips against his again and whispered; _

"_I live three blocks away…"_

_The cab ride was just a blur of feelings and kisses and heat and she was never even aware of paying the driver or of being in the elevator._

_Then they were suddenly inside her apartment and by then they were stumbling over each other. Hands and lips everywhere and nowhere at all. Grasping to rid of clothes, fingers tangled in hair and skin aching to feel skin. _

_For a couple of minutes they got stuck in the hallway, him pressing her body flush against the wall underneath the coat rack, and she winced as a hanger dug into her back. Then she pulled his shirt over his head and he gasped for air as her lips trailed wet kisses along his naked chest._

_She should've closed her eyes, because deep inside she knew even in her drunken state that this was wrong. But she just couldn't. She needed to look at him, drink in the dark blue in his eyes as he watched her. Kissed her. Devoured her…_

"_Come on…" she whispered and pulled him further into the apartment, "Come here…"_

_They kept stumbling towards what he thought must be her bedroom. The dress she wore was hiked up around her waist and her skin felt hot against his hands. Her thighs, toned as ever. Smooth, lean… like peaches. And her ass, a roundness that seemed to fit perfectly in his hands._

_He tried to take it slower, tried stilling his beating heart to be able to get the dress off of her completely, but she kept kissing him and his head was spinning dangerously fast._

"_I need you" he breathed out, licking his way up her neck, and now when she moaned, the sound of despair was long gone. Instead he heard the same wonderful sexy sound that had made him almost faint so many times in the past. And he wanted her to do it again so he ushered;_

"_I need to feel you, hear you…"_

"Lucas!"

It's not Brooke's voice. Not the raspy wonderful sound from the memories, and he looks up, confused and somewhat startled by the sound and realizes that Haley is back in the living room.

He sighs and waits for the rest of the angry outburst that he knows will come.

"I just talked to Brooke, and even though she seems okay, _I swear_, if you as much as go near her again I will personally be throwing the next punch, hopefully breaking your nose in the process!" She waves her hands frustratingly around her. "What the HELL happened back there Lucas? I heard what you said to her, and that was _not_ cool!"

"I don't know, okay! I don't know what happened!"

"God!"

She blows out air through her nose like a furious dragon and if it weren't for the situation, he'd probably be laughing. Haley has always had a temper.

"What is your problem Luke? Really! Brooke is like you freaking Achilles heal or something. First you love her and then you go for Peyton, then you go back to Brooke and when she dumps you, you propose to her best friend! She ends up in the hospital and you act like it's your freaking _soulmate_ lying in that bed… that is until she turns you away and you act like your insides have been ripped out, refusing to ever mention her again!"

He tries to break through but Haley is still on the warpath.

"No Luke! You were fine. You did good for a whole year, and okay, I wasn't that keen on Lindsey, but you were moving on! You stopped drinking and you started writing again…"

His head is in his hands again now and he mutters: "I didn't write… not a single page…"

But it's as if Haley doesn't hear him.

"Now Brooke is back and you just crash? You were an asshole tonight Lucas. How could you say stuff like that to her? You made it sound like she was some prostitute. And you used to _LOVE_ her, remember? Or am I the only one with a functioning memory around here? What could she ever have done to deserve being treated like that?"

He can't listen to her. Even though the glass-doors are still open he wants, _needs_, more air.

"She didn't love me back!" he yells and Haley finally shuts up and just stares. "I _hate_ her because she wouldn't love me back…"

-b-

It's almost 2.30 now and she's been pacing back and forth for an hour at least.

"_You wanna have a quick drunk fuck and then leave again?"_

What had he meant by that? Leave? She had never left him. _He_ left her.

That night in the hospital she had told him to leave, but it was his choice, and just like before he didn't choose her. She only did what she thought was best for him and he had promised to never leave her again. She heard him clearly, several times while she was waking up from her unconsciousness, but it seemed like neither wishes nor promises meant much in the world of Lucas Scott. After all, it hadn't been the first time he said it. He said it that night in her New York apartment too…

"_God, I've missed you so much Brooke… Why did I ever let you go?"_

_She pushed him back against the bed and he pulled her in between his knees and buried his face against her skin. She threw her head back and relished the way he touched her, palmed her breasts and kissed her bellybutton. _

_Her dress was gone now, lost somewhere in the living room, and his hands feverishly roamed her body, making her knees weak and her breath hitch in her throat. And up until then she had still thought she could stop this, but when he pulled her down to straddle him and his mouth once again found hers, she gave that thought up once and for all. _

_Instead she found herself wishing that he'd grab her harder, hold her closer. That he'd somehow mark her as his. Because in all honesty, she had wanted this all night. Ever since she first saw him at the book-party. Maybe even longer._

"_I'm not doing it again" he breathed against her neck as she grasped handfuls of his hair, "I swear, I'm not letting you go…"_

_His erection rubbed against her through the thin fabric of her panties and she was so wet for him. He pulled her with him backwards, down onto the soft bed and rolled them around so he could watch her._

_She pulled at his boxers, still wanting him to continue, and he just wanted to slow it all down and make it last for a hundred lifetimes. To be able to watch her lying under him with her eyes full of lust and her lips bruised and red from his kisses._

_Then they were suddenly both naked and as he pushed himself inside her he didn't even think about the fact that they were unprotected. Not until he heard her breath out;_

"_We need protection Luke… I'm not on the pill anymore…"_

_Up until that point he had always seen himself as a responsible person. One that thought about things before doing them. But he kept moving inside her without any want to stop and think._

"_I'll stop in time…" he had whispered "don't worry baby…"_

_And he meant it, because seeing her beautiful face so filled with pleasure, and feeling her body respond to his every move or touch, just made him feel complete. Her walls started cramping around him and he knew that in seconds she would bring him with her over the edge. _

_And that's when he had said it. As he came he said the words that he never did confess to when the sun was up and she kept yelling at him that what they had done was wrong. The words he never once regretted…_

Haley still stares at him. Frozen. And at first he thinks that he scared her too with his sudden outburst about Brooke never loving him back. But she frowns in that typical Haley-esque way and he knows she's just thinking. Putting pieces together.

"Maybe she never knew you felt like that…" she says, now a considerable amount calmer than she had been just minutes ago. "I mean, do you remember what I told you that night in the hospital? Brooke needed to know that you were done with Peyton, once and for all… She needed you to _decide_. I told you to tell her that you loved her, remember?"

And he sighs.

"I did tell her, Hales. She just doesn't remember. And it doesn't matter anymore…"

_We sing ourselves to sleep  
Watching the day lie down instead_

Brooke is in bed now. She's undressed, her make-up is washed off and she's ready for sleep. But sleep won't come.

He's everywhere tonight. In the room. In the air. In her mind, heart and soul. And she doesn't want him there, not when his eyes tonight had told her that all he felt was anger.

She turns and hugs the big pillow, pressing her face into the starched white cotton in a last effort to shut it all out. The memories, the sounds and smells and tastes. But it's useless. His voice is still as clear as ever in her head.

"_I'll stop in time…" he had whispered "don't worry baby…"_

_And she didn't worry. The only thought that filled her head was that he was so close to her that she couldn't even tell anymore where her skin ended and his began. The heat pooled down low in her belly and she gasped loudly as she felt herself shuddering with the start of her orgasm._

_He held her even closer, before falling over the edge and coming inside her, and somewhere deep in her mind she knew that it was all so careless of them to not use protection. But there was no time. There was only time for the want and need and complete heartbreaking hunger. _

_And then came those words from his lips that she hadn't even allowed herself to remember the morning after. A beautifully slow and raspy whisper._

"_I love you Brooke… I've always loved you…"_

She shuts her eyes hard for a couple of seconds before going over to her toilet bag to find her emergency kit. She finds the right box and pops two sleeping pills out of their plastic containers before swallowing them without even getting a glass of water. Then she turns the TV on and settles for a loud and colorful comedy on channel 5.

She can't think more tonight.

She can't…

_I can sing myself to sleep  
No more…  
No more_

* * *

**Authors note**: So my favorite girls and boy… That's all for this chapter. But more to come soon…

It's very late, and although I want to write personal thank you's as usual, I just can't. I hope that you all still know how grateful I am. A special thank you goes out to a few people though, for keeping my mood up and for generally just being amazing. Michaela, Emma, Daniel, Cami, Bri, Ellie… what can I say except for; I owe you all…

And I miss Cas…

PS. Daniel, I'm gonna send you a PM tomorrow. But for now you'll have to settle for the simple answer; Brunette. LOL


	12. It's Not Hard To Fall

**Author's note:** It took me a little longer this time, frankly because I decided to rewrite this chapter. But it's up now and I won't be making any longwinded speeches. I just wanna say to the readers that don't know me; I tend to take my time developing my stories, so for those of you that are anxiously awaiting the big BL reunion, all I can say is that things happen in due time.

Title and lyrics are brought to you from the wonderful song 'Cannonball' by Damien Rice.

* * *

**CHAPTER 12 – It's Not Hard To Fall**

_There's still a little bit of your taste in my mouth.  
There's still a little bit of you laced with my doubt.  
It's still a little hard to say;_

_What's going on…  
_

Lucas is hung over as hell when he walks up to the gates outside Nathan's and Haley's big house the morning after Tric. And maybe he would've felt better if he had slept, but he could never go to sleep after Haley left. Now he needs to finish their talk. Needs for Haley to sooth his guilty conscience, because he's feeling like shit.

He presses the call-button repeatedly and it takes almost five minutes before the gate buzzes open. He walks up to the house and lets himself in to look for his sister-in-law in the kitchen, but it takes him two steps into the hallway before realizing that she isn't home. The house is never this quiet if she and Jamie are here.

Instead he takes out a glass of one of the kitchen cupboards and finds a pitcher of lemonade in the fridge. His mouth is dry as the Sahara dessert and he gulps down half the glass to help sooth the throbbing headache. Then he fills it again and with glass in hand he walks out on the sunny terrace outback to find his brother. Nathan is having lunch at the patio and he knows that his brother had seen him already, yet Nathan doesn't even say hello.

"Hey man, what's up?"

No answer.

He walks closer to the table and tries to look at Nathan, but his brother's eyes are hidden under the baseball-cap.

"Where's Haley and James?" he tries again, and this time Nathan mutters:

"Hales is still sleeping. Jamie is playing with the neighbours kids."

It's obvious that Nathan is in a bad mood and he starts to realize that this grumpiness is directed solely towards him.

"Can I?" he asks and nods towards the empty chair, but Nathan doesn't even look up.

"Whatever man… Rumor has it that you do what you want anyway."

His brother's voice is dripping with sarcasm and he frowns, feeling confused.

"What do you mean?" he says and sits down.

"Well, I hear that you've stopped taking 'no' for an answer… and believe me, I've been waiting for you to grow some balls for months. But then again, I remember saying that you should stop being so scared, not that you should fucking scare her! Haley told me you've resided to using force to get with Brooke now… A little low, don't you think?"

"Is that what Haley said?" he says and squints, "That I forced myself on Brooke? I'd say that's highly exaggerated, Nate. I kissed her. That's it."

A dry chuckle escapes Nathan's mouth.

"And?"

"And what?"

He knows where Nathan is going with this but he really doesn't want to have to admit it. So he just glares at his brother across the table.

And Nathan simply glares back.

None of them say anything during the next few minutes. It's more like a game of chicken. A game that they both play with great skill and often to their own advantage, but then he finally blinks and forfeits.

Nathan drops his gaze as well, spearing a piece of his grilled steak with more force than necessary. "Was it worth it?" he then says, still with a slightly annoyed tone.

And what the hell should he answer to that? Of course it hadn't been worth it, and Nathan probably knows that. However much he had craved that kiss, it hadn't been worth it to see her look at him like that. But maybe it had been necessary? His assy behavior might have scared Brooke, and it might even have pushed her straight into the arms of the other guy, but it had also served as a catalyst for his mind and heart.

Because now he actually feels something, even if it is pain.

But he can't say that to Nathan, not yet.

"You know that it wasn't…" he mumbles instead and sips Haley's homemade lemonade.

Nathan chews while muttering "…so stupid…" and when he has swallowed, he puts down his fork and looks straight at him.

"Can I ask you something Luke? One question, and you have to give me an honest answer."

Nodding hesitantly, he wonders how see-through he really is right now. He hopes that Nathan won't ask him whether he loves Brooke. He can ask anything, just not that… because he's not ready to answer that question.

"Yeah, go ahead…"

Nathan leans back in his chair and puts his baseball-cap on the table next to his plate.

"Why did you leave her?" he then says slowly, all while watching him as if trying to read the expression on his face. "I mean, why did you just leave Brooke in the hospital like that? She's been the original clam, just like you, and during all the months when I kept going up there for her rehab she didn't say one word about you… but you crushed her, man… and if it weren't for the fact that she somehow crushed you too, I would have had to beat you up…"

A couple of weeks ago he would have been furious by now, but the night before had turned things around. Had made him think.

He is still hurt. He still doesn't get why she had pushed him away like she had a year and a half ago. But after his talk with Haley last night, he's starting to regret some things.

"Listen Nate…" he mumbles, "I didn't…"

"Just answer."

"She told me to go."

They're both quiet for minutes after this and Nathan looks back at him with a curious expression, as if he's thinking of the reasons why Brooke would do that, and he wishes that his brother can figure out the mystery and tell him the answer. He figures that his brother will ask 'why?' but he doesn't. Instead, when Nathan finally talks, he asks;

"And you just went? Without a fight?"

He sighs deeply and empties the last of the lemonade.

"Yeah… I guess I did."

He doesn't have to look up to know that Nathan looks disappointed. And for the first time he really wants to tell his brother the whole story, but there's no use now.

It's been three weeks. Brooke has been in Tree Hill for _three weeks_, and she still hasn't said the words that he wants to hear.

_Stones taught me to fly.  
Love, it taught me to lie.  
Life, it taught me to die…  
so it's not hard to fall,  
when you float like a cannonball  
_

Three more days pass and Brooke is still spending most of her time with Haley, Nathan and little James. It's nice, she feels at home with the small family, but the dinners in the James-Scott household also make it very obvious that the blond brother who usually hangs out there is staying away. Avoiding _her_.

She's not surprised. After the kiss-scenario at Tric she figures he wants nothing to do with her and even though it hurts, she keeps her head held high and tries to pretend as if it doesn't bother her. And it's not much time left anyway. In two weeks she has to go back to New York to do the Victoria's Secret Show. She just wishes that Lucas and herself could at least part as friends.

This morning she has joined Nathan for an early morning jog and without her much needed caffeine; she's really not a chirpy, happy version of herself. With less than half a mile left of their run she has already snapped at him several times. Yet she can't help but laugh at him when he says:

"When are you going back to New York, Brookie? You've been here rather long for being a busy fashion celebrity, haven't you?"

It's as if Nathan is reading her mind.

"I was just thinking about that actually" she says. "I need to be back on the 26th. I've got a runway contract that I can't get out of…"

"But that's in less than two weeks? What about Jamie's birthday? You promised him you'd come to the party."

She pushes a sweaty strand of hair from her eyes.

"I'll be back, Nate. I won't miss the party. It's on May 3rd, right? Whatever happens I'll be back on the 1st at the latest. Baring loads and loads of gifts…"

But the dark haired Scott doesn't seem satisfied. She figured that he would settle for that answer but apparently no, since he looks at her curiously.

"And what about Lucas? You're okay with leaving it like this? With you two not even talking?"

It's so typical of him. The straight forward way of asking things. She is used to Nathan's blunt honesty because he's been this way for as long as she's known him. And lot of times it's the perfect way to force action. As long as she's not on the receiving end of it, she loves it. But when it comes to the relationship that she used to share with his blond brother, then Nathan's way of blurting out self-concocted truths can seriously drive her insane. And this morning is no different.

"What do you want me to do?" she huffs a little annoyed. "He has hardly even looked at me for the three weeks I've been here. Then he kisses me, calls me a slut and goes back to avoiding me like the plague… Not your ideal ground for making friends, right?"

She raises her eyebrow towards him, almost in a challenging way, and she doesn't even slow down. He keeps her pace and smirks.

"Have you ever thought of just doing what he said? Casually fuck him, I mean… You guys have enough sexual tension to power-supply a small country."

He shrugs innocently and she slaps his arm whilst still running. Tries to direct an angry frown his way but it's useless. It feels too good to laugh.

"Ha Ha! Real funny hotshot!"

Nathan laughs too and slows down the pace slightly as they run up a small hill. He sticks his tongue out at her childishly. "I'm kidding, you! No need to get all violent…"

And she knows he's kidding. A month ago she would have gotten angry, but she can't now, because a small part of her actually thinks that there might be more truth in Nathan's joke than he might think. He's right about the fact that something needs to be done, maybe not something as drastic as drunk and angry sex…

…although after the other night she's open for even that suggestion. The angry kiss had just made her miss him more.

But the expression on Nathan's face isn't just cheeky; he also looks like he's feeling torn. It's evident that he and all their other friends feels really bad that she and Lucas can't seem to get along, yet none of them give her crap about it. And sometimes, like right now when Nathan cautiously watches her for any kind of reaction, she feels a little guilty about that because she knows that Lucas has been taking truckloads of scolding from both his brother and Haley the last couple of days.

"Have you talked to _him_ about that idea?" she asks half-jokingly.

She actually wants to know. Because the worst part during these last four days have been not knowing where she stands with Lucas. Would he be angry if they ran into him right now? Would he be sorry he kissed her? Would he still look at her as if she was a cheap whore?

But when Nathan glances at her again and answers; "Yeah, actually I have… Luke came by the morning after Tric and he said…", then she just hushes him silent before he has time to finish the sentence, and she picks up the pace again as the hill starts leaning downwards.

"Don't tell me Nate. I don't want to know."

"Okay…"

He seems a little confused and she totally understands him. She's not really being the poster-child for consistency right now. But more and more she feels as though she needs to make things right. If not with Lucas, then at least with everyone else. And feeding her insecurities regarding her blond ex-boyfriend won't help her do that at all. If Nathan would tell her that Lucas regrets kissing her, then she won't be able to tell Nathan how she feels.

She stops at the base of the hill and bends down to rub the stiffness out of her knee. Nathan stops too and motions for her to put her leg up on a nearby fence. She does and he loosens the cramping muscles around her old injury with strong hands.

"I talked to Rachel last night…" she mumbles and sucks in a deep breath as he rubs a particularly sore spot. "She told me that I need to be more honest and start admitting my mistakes…"

He looks up and gives her an almost amused look.

"You're starting to sound like the beginning of an AA-meeting, Davis."

"Yeah?"

She raises an eyebrow sarcastically. "And how would you know that, Scott? Gotten yourself an alcohol-problem you've failed to mention, or what?"

For a second Nathan frowns and the light mood turns more serious.

"Listen Brooke… Be careful with Luke, okay? He's not doing so well right now… He's not supposed to be drinking, and I'm sorry to say it, but you really seem to push him straight back to the bottle…"

There's that blunt honesty again. And she knows that he doesn't mean to be harsh, yet it still hurts.

"What do you mean 'back'?" she says and tries to pull her leg out of his grip. But Nathan knows her well enough to know that she'll probably just bolt when the conversation takes a turn that she fears. So instead he grabs her knee tighter.

"Let's just say he was more than a heavy drinker when he moved back from New York… and that it took him some help to lay off the booze."

"He went to AA?"

Her voice is suddenly small and she tries to pull at her leg again, but still no luck.

"No… Haley and I took most of the crap he dished out, and Karen was a big support for him too. Eventually it cleared up. But you know Hales… she made me go to AA for family-support so I'd understand. One thing I _did_ learn is that once you've had an alcohol problem, then there's a 'no drink limit' and Lucas has been good with that for almost a year. Until you came back…"

He looks at her seriously. Straight in the eyes, and she stares back. It's strange how she has no urge at all to say 'Why didn't you tell me?'. Nothing in his blue eyes tells her that he's blaming her for his brother's drinking. He's just being his honest self and stating facts. So instead of saying something useless, she stays silent and thinks.

When she talked to Rachel the night before, the call had quickly ended up in yet another discussion about what she really wanted out of this weird 'vacation'. And when she had started rambling on about peace and quiet and relaxation, Rachel had just laid it out straight.

"_You need to get you stupid cheerleader-brain out of that fat ass of yours and tell the guy that you still want to be with him, Brooke. Otherwise there will never be an end to this shit… You two have stuff to talk about, right? You NEED to tell him."_

Why couldn't she have forced Lucas to talk when she came to Tree Hill? Now Nathan tells her that Lucas is vulnerable and that he has a_drinking_ problem? That she has to be careful. How the hell is she going to be able to be honest with him without hurting him? So much between them is still untouched and far from healed…

Then she suddenly hears herself blurt out;

"I'm just so freaking in love with him, Nate…"

Nathan looks a little shocked and finally lets go of her leg. But his expression soon turns to something that can only be described as utter relief.

"Thank you, sweet Jesus! Finally!" he sighs and holds his hands up to the sky as if jokingly thanking God for real. Then he pulls her in for a hug a says "Now tell _Lucas_ that! Maybe we can get an end to this fucking circus…"

But she shakes her head sadly. Babysteps, right? Everything has its time and place, and hurting Lucas when he's unstable makes that time and place neither here nor now. A little uncomfortable, she pulls herself out of his embrace.

"I can't…" she mumbles and starts jogging the last 200 meters up to the Scott-house. "But I will, Nathan, I promise…"

He catches up with her and he looks sceptical.

"Did you at least tell Haley?"

She nods.

Babysteps…

-l-

It looks almost like baby shoes.

At least Lucas thinks so when he picks up the tiny pair of light-pink ballerina shoes placed on the table. His sister is only a few weeks away from turning four but her feet are still so unbelievingly small.

Currently she is standing on a kitchen chair a few feet away and he watches as his mom pulls a pink dress over Lily's head and buttons it in the back. His sister smiles and when Karen puts her down on the floor, she twirls around in front of him.

"New dress, Lil?" he asks amused and catches her when she gets dizzy and stumbles.

"Yeah! It's a fairy-dress. Brooke made it for me."

She's all smiles and her cheeks are suddenly decorated with small moon-craters of happiness. Then his mother asks her to run and get a hairbrush and she gladly skips towards the bathroom.

He turns to his mother and waits. He already knows what will come.

"We saw Brooke yesterday."

"You did?"

He tries to sound casual. As if this information is of no specific use to him. But seeing Karen's face, he knows he's failing.

"Yes. Lily and I went by the old café to see how the rebuilding was coming along, and to say goodbye. She was so sweet and she really spoiled Lily with so many beautiful things. I told her that she didn't need to, but she said it was early birthday gifts…"

His mother looks at him with the expected sadness in her eyes and he looks away when she says; "and she asked me about you…"

"Did she seem angry?"

He hasn't talked to Brooke in almost five days. Not since the night at Tric. But his mother shakes her head.

"No more sad really. She said she hadn't seen you much while being here."

"Well…"

He starts to explain but she cuts him off, and suddenly her facial expression is a mixture of emotions. Sadness, annoyance… worry.

"But you know what the weirdest thing was?" she says and sits down on the chair where Lily stood minutes ago. "Right after that, I bumped into Lindsey. And when I asked her if she was coming to dinner tonight she said she was moving back to Charlotte. When were you going to inform me that you two had broken up?"

He feels embarrassed. He knows he should have told her and when he tries to explain;

"I just didn't want to put a damper on yours and Lily's trip."

Then it just sounds like the lamest explanation ever.

His mom looks at him more sternly, but her voice is soft when she keeps asking her worried questions.

"Lucas. Do I need to be worried when I leave? Are you really alright? You've haven't been yourself lately…"

"I'm fine mom. There's no reason for worry."

He even nods for emphasis but she keeps pressing. Keeps probing his mind with her parental intuition and he starts to feel irritated.

"And what about Brooke? Do I need to be worried about her? She doesn't look happy Luke. Have you two even talked?"

"No, not really, but it's complicated… we'll be fine though. Both of us. Just don't worry."

He means it. It feels as though he's been saying this phrase too many times the last weeks. To his mom. To Lindsey. To Peyton and Haley and Nathan.

_I'm fine. Don't worry._

But however many times he says it, no one seems to listen. And no wonder, he thinks. He can't even convince himself anymore with that worn out phrase.

His mom keeps eyeing him suspiciously, and he squirms under her gaze.

"Haley told me that you've been drinking again, Lucas. How can I not worry when I hear that? Please try and remember that…"

"Stop, okay? Just stop! I can handle this mom. I'm a grown man and this is_ my_ life."

His voice is loud now but she is seriously driving him insane. The drinking is under control. He has it under control and it's just a temporary thing that neither his mom nor Haley needs to meddle with. He turns to leave but stops when he almost bumps into his little sister in her pink fairy dress. Realizing that she's heard his harsh voice, he forces a smile and takes a deep breath.

"Hey baby…" he says, now much calmer. "You ready to go?"

His kid sister nods, still looking a bit confused at his change of mood. But he just smiles reassuringly and picks her up. He doesn't turn back to look at his mom. He's guilt-ridden enough as it is. He just mumbles a quick; "We'll be back before dinner…"

And then he leaves.

_Stones taught me to fly  
Love taught me to cry  
So come on courage, teach me to be shy  
'cause its not hard to fall…  
_

It almost feels like being back in high school.

Brooke is sitting on the kitchen counter, watching as Haley is clearing away the breakfast pancakes, and every now and again she steals pieces of chocolate when her friend isn't looking, just like she had used to do when they were roommates. The only thing that's not very high schoolish in the picture is the little blond boy that's crawling around on all fours on the floor, playing with the train-set she's just given him.

"You know that you're spoiling him, right?" Haley says and gives her a glance when she suddenly jumps down to engage in the play.

She shrugs and smiles.

"Yeah, so? He's my godson Haley. I want him to like me."

Haley laughs. "Are you serious Tigger? James adores you even without the gifts. Always has." She leans towards the counter and watches them, and Brooke looks up at her and silently mouths; "Are you sure?"

"Positive. Remember when you took him to Chuck E Cheese when he was visiting you in New York with Nathan? He brought the plastic cup home and slept with it for six nights straight. I tried switching it back to his teddy-bear but no luck, he just kept stating that he wanted the cup. Apparently his _Auntie__Brooke_ had given it to him…"

She smiles and looks from Haley to James. He's so innocent and trusting. And when he looks up at her, eyes all big and blue, just like his daddy and uncle, her heart completely melts.

"Where_is_ that cup mommy?" James asks with a frown, all of a sudden interested in their conversation, and he looks very confused when they both fall apart laughing.

"I don't know hunnie… I think I threw it away…"

James' bottom lip instantly starts trembling and Brooke quickly pulls herself together and gets up from the floor.

"Hey Jamie, lets go do something fun!" she says, before sending Haley a questioning glance to see if taking James out of the house is okay with his mother. Her friend nods and smiles.

"Are you sure that's fine Brooke? I have to finish up some stuff here so it would be perfect if you could watch him for a bit, but I don't want you to feel obligated. You've been with him so much already and you're here on vacation."

Brooke smiles even wider.

"You know what tutor-mom, I can't think of a better way to spend my free time."

Then she grabs James' hand and skips towards the door while saying "I want ice-cream! Chocolate-chip with sprinkles. Do you want ice-cream? We could go down to Dairy Queen and we can buy all kinds of flavors and then we can mix them in a big bowl and…"

She keeps rambling as they disappear out into the hallway and she can hear Haley laugh all the way out into the street.

This is the best day in a long time.

_There's still a little bit of your song in my ear  
There's still a little bit of your words I long to hear  
You step a little closer to me  
so close that I can't see what's going on  
_

The sun is high and Lucas carries Lily on his shoulders. He laughs as his little sister digs her small hands into his hair to hold on, because he knows that she's wearing her concentrated face. He loves that face and he can easily picture her little tongue sticking out like the tip of a pink tulip.

One more day, then he won't see her for five months and he already misses her. Bad.

"Hey princess" he says. "What do you say we head down to the park for a bit? Play on the jungle-gym? Maybe swing a little?"

She squeals with delight and kicks her feet as if he was her horse.

"Yeah! I wanna go now. Can we Luke? Please?"

He says "Sure baby" and speeds up his step, making her laugh loudly. It's not far and he doesn't want to give her back to his mom just yet. It's stupid, but he wants to fill her head with fun memories of him so that she'll miss him as much as he will miss her when she's in Europe.

The playground in the park looks empty at first, but just as he hoists Lily off of his shoulders and puts her down on her ground, he sees James playing in the sandbox.

"Hi there champ" he calls out and the brightly blond boy looks up with a huge smile.

"Uncle Luke!"

His heart feels lighter than it has for days. His two favorite kids in the world. An empty playground and sunny skies. This is exactly what he needs to forget all his worries and issues. What he needs to feel carefree for at least one afternoon. That is until the little boy happily yells:

"Look Auntie Brooke! Uncle Luke is here!"

Fuck.

He should have realized that James wasn't here alone. He is after all not even four years old.

James pulls the fabric of his jeans to get his attention and rambles about bowls of ice cream and some new cup that he has in his miniature backpack, but he's only listening with one ear.

Instead he watches as Lily runs towards the swings and towards the brunette sitting at the bench next to them, and his light heart falls flat to the ground. He hasn't seen Brooke since their fight at Tric, and he's more than ashamed of how he had acted that night. For almost a week he's been contemplating how to tell her he's sorry and for more than a week he's been battling all the memories from the past.

And if he's honest to himself, after all this thinking he still comes to the same conclusion.

He's still _very_ much in love with Brooke Davis.

But he's also scared to death by that revelation.

She probably hates him though. And the unfair part of it all is that before, up until he acted like an ass, she seemed like she was slowly nearing him. She seemed like she had actually wanted them to get to know each other again and get along. Even if it was just as friends. And during those weeks he had felt almost nothing as he held her at a distance, walls up and heart cold, unable to see the real her.

Now, when he had ruined it all, he can suddenly see her clearly. And the sight leaves him breathless.

"Hi Lucas" she says as he slowly walks closer to where she's sitting. Lily is climbing all over her and she smiles and tickles his sister playfully, but looks way more guarded when meeting his eyes.

He mumbles her name in return and tries to smile but knows he's failing miserably. On one hand he's happy that the two little kids are there, because this means that she can't yell at him or run away, but on the other hand he wishes that he could have her for himself for just a second, so that he can say he's sorry for his adolescent behavior.

But as always, Brooke surprises him. The guarded posture loosens a little and she smiles towards him too. Forced of course, but still.

"Jamie was just talking about you" she says in her soft raspy voice. "He told me you took him to the zoo to see the monkeys."

"Yeah…"

It's weird to stand here and pretend like they're two ordinary people, meeting in the park so that the kids could play, and when Lily grabs Jamie's hand and drags him along towards the jungle-gym, he looks at Brooke and sighs.

"Hey Brooke… I'm really sorry about what happened… I was drunk and I acted like an idiot…"

"Forget it Luke, it's okay."

She looks tired. Tired, sad and immensely beautiful, and when she uses his old nickname his heart rolls over in the mud on the ground.

"It's not okay" he stresses. "I didn't mean to treat you like that. There's just so much to say and I…"

He doesn't get further because James falls over and starts crying and Brooke is up in half a second, rushing to the tiny boy's side. He watches as she picks him up, holds him close and comforts him, and as she carefully brushes sand off of his scraped knee.

"It's okay hunnie…" she sooths over and over, and after a while he realizes that she's looking at _him_. She's still soothing James, but she's talking to him. "It's okay…"

_There's still a little bit of your ghost, your witness.  
There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed.  
You step a little closer each day  
and I can't say what's going on  
_

After that they both engage in wild play with the kids, and Lucas thinks that it's probably because it's easier than talking. But then his phone rings, and as he takes the call and talks to his mother, Brooke goes back to sitting over at the bench.

When he hangs up he stands still in the sun and watches Lily and James playing. His sister is like a ball of energy when chasing his nephew around, chocolate brown hair blowing in the breeze, and her summer dress that Brooke has given her is flecked with mud and grass stains.

Then his eyes turn to Brooke.

He didn't know Brooke when she was little. He can't remember ever seeing her until the start of high school. But he's seen pictures of her from when she was a kid, and his mom's house is full of pictures of himself during his younger years. And now, when looking at Lily and James chasing each other around the park, he realizes why it has sometimes been so painful to watch his little sister. She looks just like Brooke, so much that it would honestly be more realistic if she was Brooke's little sister instead of his. Or maybe even Brooke's daughter… and James, who's just picking something off of the ground, is the spitting image of himself.

Lily casually throws an arm around James' little shoulders and says "What you got there buddy?" and he smiles. She even sounds like Brooke, come to think of it. And James looks a little disgusted at the sudden 'closeness'.

"Eww Lily, cooties…" he mutters and shrugs her arm off, making her giggle and hug him tighter with her little chubby arms.

What he'd give to be a kid again. When life was easy and fun and he'd rather play with mud than kiss a fashion designer with dimples.

A broken fashion designer, but still.

"Come on James" he laughs. "Lily likes you! You shouldn't say 'eww' when she hugs you."

Brooke giggles where she sits at the bench.

"Don't throw bricks in glass houses Luke. You weren't always a lady's man. I distinctly remember you scrunching up your nose when I undressed in your backseat. Honestly, you looked a little scared too…"

He knows that it'll hurt to look at her but he still does. The atmosphere is light between them for the first time since she came back and he doesn't want to make her feel like he's uncomfortable around her.

"I've never scrunched my nose at _anything_ concerning you" he says, and he hopes that she knows that even though he says it in a joking way, he's serious as hell. There has never been anything about the brunette to scrunch at.

She smiles, but it's a sad smile that doesn't really reach her eyes. And she raises an eyebrow as if to say 'no?', so he adds a nod for emphasis and mumbles "never…"

For a couple of seconds their eyes are connected and he searches the familiar green orbs for hidden truths, explanations, answers… But she's so much harder to read nowadays. And before he manages to find what he's looking for, Lily calls him.

"Lucaas! Give me more speed" she shouts from her new position on top of one of the swings. "I wanna swing all the way up to the sky!"

"Me too!"

His nephew is climbing up on the other roped up tractor-tire, and he sighs and knows that the connection is broken.

Brooke gets up from her seat and pulls a hand through her shiny brown curls.

"We better get to work" she says with a crooked smile and heads towards the happy carefree almost four year-olds. "We're the babysitters after all…"

He follows her, hands dug deep in his pockets, and heart heavy and light at the same time.

Again. What he'd give to be a kid…

-b-

Later that night Brooke sits out on her hotel-suite's balcony and sips a glass of wine. She's in her pj's, a pair of old cheerleading-shorts and a tiny tank top, but the air is still warm and there's hardly even a breeze, so even though it's after 10 pm she's not cold at all.

Haley had asked her to stay with them for dinner when she came back with James from the playground, and after that she even offered her to stay the night, but dinner had been perfect and she felt as though her friend and her husband could use some peace and quiet. She's spent too many nights there lately and she doesn't want to impose too much.

And this is nice. To just sit here alone, ten stories off of the ground, and think. Enjoy the silence and the serenity.

She sips the cold glass of Pinot Gris and eyes her cell phone through the balcony glass-door.

She wants to call him so badly.

She's been wanting to do it ever since she came back to Tree Hill, but after today, and the wonderful hours spent in the park with him and the kids, she wants it even more.

She wants to tell him that his voice still calms her and that his hair looks perfect the way he wears it now. That he shouldn't feel so bad about how he behaved because she's done worse things to him that he doesn't even know about. And most of all she wants to tell him that she wishes she'd had the courage to hug him earlier when they were saying goodbye outside the playground and he took that half step forward…

Really, why had she stepped back? Why retreat from something that she craved so much?

Well, probably because Lucas Scott still scares her shitless. And not in the way he had seemed to think when they were at Tric and he cornered her. She had never been scared that he would hurt her physically, but when it comes to breaking her heart the story differs completely.

Because he's done that so many times already.

She glances at the phone again and wonders what he's doing right now. He's probably with Karen and Lily since it's so close to their departure. Or maybe he's with Lindsey.

Her thoughts are broken by a nock on the door and she puts down her glass on the balcony table. Thinking that it's the room-service she ordered earlier, she gets up. She doesn't bother to put on more clothes since she knows that the hotel crew wouldn't let any unannounced guests get up here, and she really doesn't care if the bell-hop sees her in her pj's.

"I'm coming" she says as it knocks again and then when opening the door she's met by the pair of blue eyes that's been occupying her mind all night.

"Lucas?"

He blushes. Shuffles his weight from one foot to the other and clears his throat, and then he looks up at her.

"Can I come in for a sec?"

"Sure…"

Unsure of what to expect, she steps aside and lets him in. He looks at her almost shyly as he passes and she realizes how little clothes she's wearing, suddenly wishing she had grabbed her robe. She can't really get it now because that would just seem weird.

Lucas slowly walks around the suite looking around, and she follows him in silence. When he finally stops and takes a seat on the edge of the couch, she stops too.

"Not to sound rude or anything" she says softly, "but how did you get up here? The hotel staff has strict rules not to let anyone up here unannounced."

"Nathan told me your room-number" he mumbles. "I told him that I really needed to talk to you…"

"Oh…"

She's silent for a while to let him continue, but her silence seem to make him even more nervous, so she continues. "It's alright Luke. I just wanted to know if I needed to yell at someone… I really don't want press up here."

He's so quiet and she feels the tension fill the room, making the air stand still and her chest to tighten. She wants to make it easy between them, like it had been earlier in the park, and she searches for his eyes.

"Why?" she asks even softer, and he looks up, looking confused.

"Huh?"

"Why did you really need to talk to me?"

She walks a little closer, now standing only a couple of feet from where he sits. He clears his throat.

"Are we ever going to talk Brooke? Or will it just make it worse? I mean, you're leaving again soon, right?"

He doesn't look at her and she sighs.

"I want to talk so bad Lucas… I really do…"

"But?"

"But… I don't know…" she mumbles, and the words get stuck in her throat. Was this the moment? Would this be when she opened Pandora's Box? What if he left? Or what if he didn't understand?

His piercing blue eyes looks straight into hers, full of a mix of sadness and confusion and she opens her mouth, tries to say 'I want to tell you', but nothing comes out. Instead she draws a deep breath and whispers;

"Do _you_ want to talk?"

By now her heart is beating so hard that it's on the verge of jumping out of her chest. Still he doesn't answer her. He just reaches out and puts his hands on the back of her naked thighs, pulling her towards him. Her hands instinctively go into his hair, softly playing with it. Twirls it around her fingers and pulls his head backwards so that he'll be forced to look up. But instead he leans forward, hiding his face in the fabric of her tanktop, breath hot against her stomach, and lets out the deepest sigh.

She closes her eyes.

It's not normal that simply his closeness makes her whole body turn into jell-o and her breath hitch in her throat. She doesn't even know why he's here, yet she never wants him to leave.

"Lucas…" she whispers and holds his head towards her skin. "What is it? What's going on?"

The second sigh is even deeper then the first one and his hands close around her hips, pulling her body even closer. Her heart breaks. Hurts so bad that she has to swallow burning tears, and she grabs his hair tighter.

He doesn't say anything. But the intensity in the way he holds her speaks volumes. And then his hands creep in under the fabric of her tank top and she draws a deep breath. He hasn't touched her for so long and it's as if the mere sensation of his hands makes her lose focus.

She wants to have him. Hold him close and let him do things to her body that only he can. And shivering she wonders if he can feel that she needs him, if he somehow unconsciously knows that she hasn't slept with anyone since him.

"I… need…"

The words coming out of his mouth are strained and they make her want to cry. She wants him to say 'you' so badly, but he stops and instead he rides his hands higher, making her shirt ride up with them, and his lips touch her belly.

She freezes for a second. The symbolic picture in her mind becomes too strong and guilt clouds her brain. So she pulls his head up higher until his mouth is at level with her chest instead. And without hesitation he kisses the valley between her breasts.

He still hasn't looked at her, still won't let his eyes meet hers. And she needs to see him to know what he's thinking. Maybe she should tell him? Just say it before this turned into something she can't take back.

But then he suddenly pulls back and lets go. He stands up, looking completely bewildered, and he shakes his head as if ridding of a weird dream, and stutters "I can't do this…"

Before she can even understand what is happening, he has left and the door slams shut behind him.

Shaking, she just stands there and tries to figure out why he even came. But her mind won't work.

It won't work because her heart craves him too much.

_And I don't want to scare her.  
It's not hard to fall,  
and I don't want to lose her…  
_

He can't breathe in the elevator ride back down to the lobby. His chest feels too tight and he knows that he needs _something_…

He can't call Haley, she's still kind of disappointed at him for his actions lately. And Nathan is spending the night in Charlotte. His mother is leaving for the airport in just a couple of hours and they've already said their goodbyes. And it doesn't matter, really. Talking is not what he needs.

He glances at the hotel bar, but sitting alone with a bunch of strangers, slowly sipping a beer or a scotch, isn't what he needs either.

Not even close.

He needs Brooke, but Brooke is not an option. Having her will only make things worse…

It's late and the few people scattered in the street all seem to be heading home. Just a couple of weeks ago he would have been one of them, probably heading to Lindsey's apartment about now to watch a movie and talk about their day. But as of lately, home is the last place he wants to go. It doesn't feel like _home_ anymore, and for the first time he wonders if it ever had.

Down on the corner of Chestnut Street and 3rd he slips into the still open mini-market. Grabs a bottle of Vodka and pays for it without even as much as a hello to the guy behind the register.

Then he walks into the dark alley on the left side of the store and unscrews the lid as soon as he gets away from traffic. As he gulps down the burning liquid he makes no excuses. He knows by now that he's falling back into a well-known pattern and excuses will just make it worse.

He's hurting. And when the pain comes, like it had when holding Brooke and feeling her skin against his lips and palms, then he needs to numb it somehow. So far, getting drunk is the only way he's found of doing that.

The fluid burns in his throat and he closes his eyes and leans against the brick-wall behind the store. He has to stop this because if he doesn't then it'll get even worse than it had last time. He just needs to get though the time left until Brooke would leave and go back. It couldn't be that long, she had a life in New York after all. And maybe then he could try to rebuild his life again.

It's been less then ten minutes but a third of the bottle is already swirling around inside him, and slowly the tense feeling in his chest loosens.

This is not what he needs.

He needs Brooke, more so than he thought. But she doesn't need him.

If she did she would have reminded him like he asked her to.

Brooke must have been standing in the middle of the room for over thirty minutes, because when she finally looks over at the clock on the wall, it's almost 11pm.

Slowly she walks over to the cell phone still lying on the table, and she picks it up, dialing a number she knows by heart.

And when the signals have passed and the other person answers, she silently sighs and says;

"Rach, I really need you… Can you get down here? Please…"

_It's not hard to grow  
when you know that you just don't know…_

* * *

**Author's note**: Are you getting frustrated with me? If you are, then this is nothing compared to what you'll be after the drama that's about to hit Tree Hill. A redhead comes to town, and secrets are getting spilled… LOL (I feel like Gossip Girl here).

Anyways… until next time: XOXO

**Answers**:Gracie - Hun, it's a grape-flavored soda LOL. Brucas333 – Yes, that was the night when Brooke got pregnant. Othfan326 – If you really want to know if this story ends happy or sad, send me a PM and I'll answer ;).

**Thank you's**: You all are my heroes. Each and every one of your reviews keeps me going with this even though writers block has been killing me for the last two weeks. But some extra thanks are in order.

Emma: You've been my rock, my baby and my sunshine. You're just precious and you know I love you. thank you for struggling me through these last weeks.

Chey: The same goes for you sweetie. I would have gone insane without our convos. And review is coming up for the amazing one-shot. :D

Daniel: Can you get any sweeter? You're like my dream guy with all your support and kind words. I hope you stick with this story because your reviews feed my inspiration and even when you criticize me you make me feel safe. Review for your amazing chap 8 is on the way baby, just hold on a little while longer… And to answer your question about s5 of OTH: I still hate Peyton with equal force. LOL I don't think that'll ever change. Love you though!

Cami: Thanks for not hitting me over the head when I complain and complain over and over… And thank you for finding me this amazing song! You are the best!

Ellie: You spoil me with your amazing gushing, girl! If you keep telling me these things I'm going to get big headed. LOL. I love your support, and you of course. You know that right? I feel like we haven't talked enough lately…

Isabelle: Hun, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through hard times. And yet you still take time to review my story and write me so supporting words. What can I say except thank you? it seems little in comparison but I really mean it.

Bri: You're the one being a band-aid for my soul right now, writing me reviews like that one. I get so happy when I realize that you still like this story and I'm forever grateful for the work you put in writing such thoughtful reviews. You're the best!

Jules: First of all, thanks for calming me earlier tonight. I really needed it. And secondly, thank you for being the amazing girl you are and for always giving me hope when I have a bad day. You're a beautiful person Jules. :hug:

Sarah: I could say :thud: to your review hun. :D I'm so glad you like my story and I hope I'll keep you equally entertained in the upcoming chapters. Thanks hunnie.

Jessica: Your words really warmed my heart. It's amazing (and a little hard for me to understand) that my story can inspire others but it makes me soo happy to hear. I really wish you good luck with your story and feel free to e-mail me if you need help or someone to bounce ideas off of. :D I bet you'll do great!

Loes, Vicky and Chelsea: You girls… FF-girls sure know how to review. :D I love you all and I know that you, as well as me, are keeping your fingers crossed at the outcome of the kissing scene. LOL. thanks for the support girls.

All you others; Pure love to all of you. If you write yourselves then you know what every review means. Thank you.


	13. Apologize

**Author's note: **Usually I update this story once a week and this time it has been almost a month since my last chapter. I blame life and a bad case of the flu that turned into pneumonia. (For those of you that never had that, don't try it. It sucks. No joke.) Anyhow, I'm at least sitting up now and although this chapter might seem a little confusing, it's high time for an update and I really hope that you all don't hate me too much ;) Especially not for probably making this chapter a lot longer than needed. It was supposed to be two chapters but I didn't know where to cut it. Thank you's are at the end.

Title and lyrics for this chapter is from the song by the same name, preformed by OneRepublic. (Preferably the original, because lets face it; Timbaland is a genius, but for once, the original is better.)

* * *

**CHAPTER 13 ****– Apologize **

_I'm holding on the rope, got me ten feet off the ground  
And I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound…_

Brooke knows that working hard always helps.

It helps clear her head and it keeps her mind off of her breaking heart, at least most of the time. She knows because it's worked before. It helped her get over the accident and both of the times she lost Lucas in the past. And it would probably help her get over other things too, if she hadn't buried them so far back in her brain.

This time it's the work with her store that keeps her busy and now it's slowly becoming presentable. The walls are painted, the furniture brought inside and all the shelves are hung. Her mind is concentrated on hangers and fabrics and figures instead of on the disappointment she's felt since Lucas came to see her two days ago and then left her standing in the middle of an empty room.

And what had started as a crazy idea just to have a reason to go back to Tree Hill, is now slowly starting to become something really important to her. Out of all the parts of her Clothes over Bros empire, this smalltown-store feels like the one that's the most_real_.

And today another piece of the puzzle would fall into place. Rachel is arriving, probably landing at New Brunswick airport at any moment, and she can't wait to see her. Rachel has after all been her safety blanket for a year and a half and life just feels harder without her.

Pulling up a green strapless dress out of a box and shaking it to rid of the creases, she wonders what Rachel will think when she sees this place. She's decorated it in line with the other stores and hopefully it'll be up to par with Rachel's perfectionist trait, but this is the first time in ages that she's opened a store on her own, without the redhead at her side.

She bends down to pick the next dress up but her line of thoughts are suddenly broken by the sound of the bell placed over the entrance. She stands up and looks over at the door, and silently she draws in a breath.

_Lucas._

The one and only, Lucas Scott.

He saunters into the shop and stops a couple of steps in. Looks over at her and half-smiles before his face returns to his more serious demeanor.

Nothing for two days. Not a word. And now he walks in as if nothing had happened. As if it's any other Friday and he just walks in to say hi to a friend.

The sun seeps in through the big display windows, and with his blond messy hair, Lucas looks almost angelic. Like a frowning, broody angel boy. Or maybe she should really say 'man'. Lucas Scott is hardly a boy anymore.

He hadn't been a boy during their short lived 'thing' in New York either, but there is something so distinctively different about his features nowadays and however much she tries, she can't pinpoint it. Silently she puts down the garment she's holding and watches him. He looks so much more grown up. Maybe it's the slight three o'clock shadow on his jaw. Or maybe it's the way his eyes seem to have gotten darker.

His shoulders are broader too and his arms and chest more muscled. He's simply not the scrawny guy she had fallen in love with in high school, but just like she told Nathan the other day, she loves him all the same. And that's what's making their complicated present even more painful. She wants to have him so bad.

"It's starting to come together" the sunlit angel-man suddenly says, and she's brought out of her daydreaming.

"Yeah, I just have to unpack all the clothes and hang them. But Rachel's coming to town tonight so hopefully she'll help me."

Or maybe _you_ could, she wants to say, but she doesn't. Her voice comes out a little shaky and she hopes he doesn't recognize it. She doesn't want her nervousness to scare him away and thankfully he seems unfazed.

"I bet you miss her…" he says.

And then there's that smile. That 'Lucas Scott'-smile that always has the ability to make her knees weak.

"Yeah, more than I thought I would actually… it's been a long time since I saw her."

Out of all things she wishes for, time is on top of her list. And even though they're casually talking about Rachel, her thoughts are solely about the guy in front of her. She wants more _time_ to spend with him here in Tree Hill. Quality time, where they can slowly start over. Talk and maybe start to heal.

Before the incident at Tric, she had hoped for other things even though he had still been with Lindsey. But those hopes were crumbled when he told her that he had a new life where she didn't fit in. The forceful kiss had just made it more clear that he tried to wash out all the memories of her.

And then two days ago, he came to her hotel and ripped the carpet from under her feet. Made her lose that last shred of denial and face up to every single emotion that he evokes in her. Now all she needs is to look at him in order to be overthrown by the memory of his lips on her skin.

"So how've you been?" he asks softly as he walks around the almost finished store, touching the details and shelves, and she watches him, mesmerized.

"Good, I guess…" she mumbles. "I just… feel a little confused…"

"Why?"

"Maybe because you kind of left me hanging the other night…"

She tries desperately to sound light-hearted and she even ads her signature eyebrow-raise. He stops over by the window and smiles again and maybe it's the smile that does it. Either that or the way he softly answers;

"I never meant to leave you hanging, Brooke… I just kind of went with it…"

Whatever it is, it makes her feel stronger than she has in weeks, and suddenly she takes a chance.

"Uhm… then maybe… Well… do you wanna go with me tomorrow night?"

As the words slip out of her mouth she feels like a teenager. More exactly like she felt when they dated the first time in junior year and every question she had to ask him regarding them made her mouth dry and palms sweaty. She feels nervous, afraid to be turned down, inferior…

But he simply looks back at her, still smiling but with a confused expression on his face, so she tries to clarify.

"To the re-opening, I mean… you know, at Blue Post? I'm going to promote the store there and… uhm… not as a date of course. As friends."

She's rambling, and horrified she feels herself start to blush. "We could all just go together if you think it's too awkward… You, me, Nathan and Haley, Peyton… Rachel is coming too and Owen…"

He coughs a little uncomfortably and his smile falls. And she starts to really regret saying anything in the first place. His eyes avert from hers and he looks at a spot on the newly painted wall on their left. Shifts his weight from his left foot to his right.

"I can't… I have… uhm… this thing…"

She nods quickly and makes sure she looks unfazed.

"Oh, never mind… it doesn't matter. No need to explain. We're all busy, right?"

She adds a nonchalant shrug and she's damn proud of herself when she even manages to smile. But on the inside her heart aches. She wants him to leave. Now.

Why had she just done that?

She never should have asked him. She should have known he'd say no.

-l-

Friends.

Brooke wants them to go as _friends_.

At her words, his shoulders slump and he hears himself mumble; "Yeah, I guess we _are_ busy…"

But she she's wrong when she says that it doesn't matter. It_does_. It matters because he loves her and because he would love to be the guy that escorts her to this party. But he can't do the friend-thing with her. Can't hang out casually with her and pretend. He never really could.

He did a pretty good job at pretending in the second half of their junior year in high school, but it had all been fake. He had loved her at a distance then too, and it had been painful when she went for Felix instead. Even more horrible in senior year when the whole Chris Keller-debacle occurred. And then he tried pretending after their night in New York, and look where that took him…

The difference is that now he knows something he didn't know in the past. He knows how it feels to lose Brooke Davis all together. And he has to guard his heart a hell of a lot better this time, because looking at what that experience did to him, and at the reaction he just had when she simply mentioned Owens name, he can't do this all over again.

Not without losing himself totally.

"Maybe some other time?" he asks and does his best to sound casual but Brooke doesn't meet his eyes.

He knows why. The hotelroom-incident had been stupid. He had stolen those minutes with her totally without thinking and know she feels uncomfortable around him. He needs to think before acting, needs to be careful. Because Haley is right, he can't afford to fall back into the pitch black hole he got stuck in after New York and he shouldn't play around with Brooke either. If he tries faking friendship with her, things will be even more complicated.

She nods though, a small movement of that beautiful chocolate haired head, and mumbles;

"Sure…"

Then he watches as she picks up another dress from one of the boxes and hangs the creation on the rack. She seems to be going back to the task of unpacking and he needs to get out of here. Get air. Space.

"I should get going…" he says and pulls his hand through his hair. "But good luck with the promoting…"

She nods somewhat absentmindedly. Smiles and flashes gorgeous dimples that makes him want to erase the last four years completely.

"You too" she replies. "With your… uhm… _thing_."

"Yeah, thanks…"

He shoves his hands deep down in the pockets of his Khaki shorts, and then, before he heads to the door, he holds her gaze for a couple of seconds.

"I always knew you'd make it, Brooke" he says softly. "Be proud of yourself…"

In a way it feels like goodbye, and maybe it is.

She'll be leaving Tree Hill soon anyway.

_You tell me that you need me  
Then you go and cut me down, but wait  
_

Rachel has almost forgotten what a little hick-town Tree Hill really is and once she drives off the interstate and heads into the center of town, she actually laughs. Everything seems tiny. Tiny airport, tiny mall. Tiny houses and billboards and roads.

According to Brooke there's apparently a not so tiny hotel here somewhere, and that hotel is where she'll find a friend that's been AWOL for almost two months now. A friend that she is honestly very worried about.

Today will be the first time in two months that she sees Brooke and truthfully it had been with mixed emotions that she hung up the phone call with her two days ago. She spoke to the brunette for over thirty minutes and in one way she was happy that Brooke finally asked for her and needed her help. But on the other hand it broke her to hear the sadness in her friend's voice. Brooke had sounded so utterly broken and lost.

"_He left, Rachel… He came here and held me and he… he left… I can't breathe, Rach. It just hurts so much…"_

And for two days now, she has tried to figure out why Lucas had done that. Why he left Brooke standing in the middle of the room like that. And she's no wiser then she had been when Lucas dumped Brooke in the hospital 18 months ago and never returned.

From Brooke's recap of the last couple of weeks, Lucas actions seems weird in general, but she hopes that as with everything else there is probably another side to the story. One that Brooke doesn't have, and if she knows her friend as well as she thinks; one that Brooke is too scared to ask for.

She leaves the rental car to valley parking-attendant outside the hotel and heads towards the reception. There's no Brooke Davis residing in the hotel of course, but there is a Penelope Gattina and Rachel has to laugh at the lack of creativity that Brooke had this trip. Usually it's a lot more colourful aliases, like Jessica Rabbit or Mrs. Dave Grohl.

And after getting the front desk to handle her luggage she takes the elevator up to the top floor and knocks on the only door up there.

She can hear someone shouting something from inside and a male voice answers in a muffled voice. Then the door opens and she stands face to face with her best friend.

Brooke doesn't look that different. A little more tanned, with slightly longer hair and wearing a summer dress Rachel knows more than well. She also looks equally tired and maybe even more sad then when she left New York seven weeks ago.

But when Brooke sees her, the famous dimpled smile surfaces and she squeals.

"Rachel!"

She stumbles back a few steps when the brunette firecracker flings her arms around her neck and almost screams in her ear with joy, and she happily hugs her back.

She has missed Brooke. Even more than she thought had.

"I'm so mad at you, you crazy crack-whore" she muses with a big smile and detangles herself from her friends embrace. "Not only did you leave me with a workload bigger than a small planet and your stir-crazy mother. You also stole my Degát dress! I've been looking everywhere for this."

Brooke looks guilty for a second, but they know each other well enough for her to know that Brooke's guilty face has nothing to do with the dress. So she gives her another hug and offers a very seldom heard: "I've missed you, Brooke."

Brooke hugs her back, hard. And that's when she sees the guy sitting in the chair on the terrace.

"What the hell is Owen doing here?" she asks with a frown. And Brooke looks at her with unsure expression on her face.

"What? You don't want to see him? But I thought…"

The sentence trails off as Owen makes his way over to them and smiles. She lets go of Brooke's hand that she's still holding and she can't help but give him an annoyed glare. Hasn't he gotten the memo that she never wants to see him again? Apparently not.

He looks the same though. Tall, dark and handsome.

"Rachel…" he acknowledges softly. "Good to see you. You've grown…"

She huffs. Doesn't even know what to say because she hasn't expected to even care, but Brooke raises an eyebrow and smirks. Her friend sees right through her, just like she sees right through Brooke. So she turns away from Owen without even answering his greeting and looks at the brunette with a smirk of her own.

"Those black circles under your eyes tells me you're still a chicken… you didn't tell him, right?"

Brooke's devious smile falls instantly.

"Not when Owen is here, Rachel!" she breathes, looking nervous. And she just throws her jacket on a nearby chair and mimics Brooke's earlier eyebrow-raise.

"Then tell Owen to leave…"

"But I… He is supposed to go with us to dinner…"

Brooke looks confused and her eyes keep darting between them as if this is a development that her brunette friend has _not_ seen coming. But instead of meeting Brooke's eyes, she keeps her facial expression cold and directed towards Owen, before calmly saying:

"I'm sure that Owen understands that you and I want some time alone, Brookie. Don't you think? And I'm sure you can have dinner with him some other night when I'm not here…"

Owen nods towards Brooke and assures her that it's fine, but beneath the surface he looks hurt, even she can see this. He does that face he used to do when they were younger and he felt as if she wasn't playing fair. And when he leaves the room, he softly places a hand on her arm. Strong hand that feels warm against her skin.

"I hope I'll see you later, Rach…" he says silently.

She shakes the hand off and simply answers

"I don't."

_You tell me that you're sorry  
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...  
_

It became a much longer night than Brooke had expected. Rachel ordered dinner from room-service and asked for the whole story regarding Lucas all over again. And she said she'd tell it if Rachel spilled the goods about her past with Owen. Rachel refused of course, but hours later when they had raided most of the bar in the hotel-room and had moved their drunken picnic out on the balcony, pieces of the puzzle came out.

And who would have thought that Rachel had had a high school sweetheart? Who would have thought that the cocky redhead that had been so vicious when arriving at Tree Hill high had been helplessly in love with the three year older football quarter-back named Owen McAllister?

Well, she hadn't.

If it weren't for the long looks that Rachel had thrown after Owen when he left last night, she would probably still not have thought that it was true.

Now, at ten in the morning, with one hell of a hangover still present, she watches as her redheaded friend makes it out of the bathroom and dries her hair on a towel. Stays silent as Rachel pulls out an old football jersey from her bag that Brooke recognizes instantly but never understood the value of, and almost laughs when the redhead puts it back and chooses another shirt.

It seems like they both had their closets full of old bones.

She smiles and stretches her body before letting out a tired: "Morning slut-face…"

Rachel laughs.

"Slut-face? God, you suck Brooke. Was that truly the best you could come up with?"

"Well, the country-side must have gotten to my wit… Plus, I've been hanging with Haley. You should be happy that I didn't say 'Oh what a beautiful morning, hun. I've ironed you're clothes and breakfast is on the table'…"

She rolls over and wraps the sheet around herself. "And talking about breakfast… Please tell me you ordered coffee when you woke up?"

Rachel nods and pulls the t-shirt over her head.

"It's on the table. Now get your fat ass out of bed. I wanna go see the store and I want you to talk to Lucas before we head back to New York. Today is as good of a day as any."

For the first time since Rachel walked in through the door last night, she feels irritated. Rachel had brought this subject up several times last night and every time she had gotten the same answer. No.

Apparently none of the times had been clear enough.

"No Rach, I told you last night that we're _done_ talking. I even asked him to go to Blue Post with me, _after_ he left me standing in here. And he said _no_. He's made it clear that he is finished with us. Now leave it."

Annoyingly enough Rachel still won't listen. She just keeps getting dressed and repeats her request to go down to the store. So finally she gives up. Says "You're too freaking stubborn Rach…" and heads into the shower. And however much she loves having her friend back, she can't help but feel as if bringing Rachel to Tree Hill might have been a stupid move.

Somewhere in the back of her head she loves the way Rachel has her back through everything. But she knows that her redheaded friend sometimes takes stuff into her own hands, kind of like she had when getting Nathan to help out with her rehabilitation.

And sometimes things like that work out great.

_Sometimes_ they just don't.

All she knows is that the subject of 'Lucas Scott' and their relationship is not something to be played with. Rachel should know by now that people can get hurt.

_It's too late to apologize, it's too late  
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late_

So they spend most of the day bickering. Brooke keeps asking annoying questions about Owen and refuses to see reason when it comes to Luke. And after a quick lunch with Haley and the bitch formerly know as Peyton Saywer, Rachel realizes that Brooke hasn't even been honest with the girls. She understands why with Peyton, although she has at least expected that Brooke would tell the tutor.

But no. Nothing has been achieved during Brooke's two months away from the company.

_Nothing. _

None of them seem to understand that Brooke is supposed to be in Tree Hill to mend her train-wreck of a relationship with a certain blond boy. Instead Haley and Peyton keep jabbering about nonsense like tonight's party.

And who the hell needs a small-town event like that anyways? She doesn't. What she _does_ need is a friend that seems to be at least on the road to start healing. That's why she keeps pushing, nagging and probing all throughout the day. That is until they return to the hotel and Brooke finally snaps.

"Seriously Rachel! Get off my fucking case! I asked you to come here to _support_ me, not because I wanted you to drive me insane!"

Her brunette friend is fuming. Probably also because Brooke has finished both getting dressed and putting on her make-up and she herself still hasn't even started. She just wishes that Brooke could understand that the issues with Lucas are so much more important than some freaking happening at a sports bar.

Why? Because they need to go back to New York in just a couple of days, and this shit needs to be sorted once and for all.

"But Brooke" she sighs for the millionth time. "You can't keep living like this. You need to confront him. We're going back to New York and if you don't talk to him now..."

It's like talking to a stubborn child. The sad little girl from the phonecall three days earlier seems to be long gone, and frankly, so is the friend from last night that seemed so happy to see her. The brunette fashion designer in front of her is a complete pain in the ass.

"I'm_not_ gonna tell him, Rachel."

She sighs. Rolls her eyes and wants to yell with frustration.

"What? So I've been working double to cover for your ass so that you could accomplish absolutely _nothing_? No. Let me rephrase: Either you'll confront him, or I will."

Brooke's arms remains crossed over her chest and she's starting to look angry.

"Do whatever you want but I'm leaving now, Rach. The party starts in an hour and we were supposed to meet the others for drinks ten minutes ago. Are you coming? Owen and the car are here…"

"No."

Brooke huffs and this time she is the one rolling her eyes. Then she leaves, offering nothing more then a simple; "Fine" before walking out the door.

Rachel just shakes her head and braces herself for the sound of the door slamming shut. Once it does, she goes over to the mini-bar and grabs a soda before settling down for a bit to think. There must be something she can do to fix things, or at least to give Brooke and Lucas a little nudge in the right direction. Because if she left things to be handled by Brooke, then obviously nothing would happen, and another year like the last 18 months is not an option.

She loves her friend, but it's times like this that she actually wants to strangle Brooke Davis for being so damn scared of life. And of love.

"The things I do for you…" she mumbles and finally grabs her car keys. However she turned this in her head, she only had one option. Brooke was determined to keep playing it safe…

…That only left Lucas.

_I'd take another chance, take a fall  
Take a shot for you  
_

Lucas slumps down into his living room couch and turns on the TV. The local channel is already reporting down from the Blue Post and the red carpet is laid out. It's not even eight o'clock but lots of people have already gathered down there.

To Brooke this was probably nothing, he thinks, and switches the channel to ESPN. She was used to much bigger events than this. But to the people of Tree Hill, tonight was going to be as close to Hollywood as it would get.

He watches the last fifteen minutes of a college football game and then zaps through a cooking show, before absentmindedly turning back to channel 2. And that's when he sees Peyton. The curly blonde smiles towards the cameras, her arm linked with some guy from her tour-crew. And after her, Nathan and Haley board the red carpet, making the kids outside the railings go nuts and waving their autograph-notepads towards his brother.

Nathan waves to the camera that's closest, and he can't help but smile at his brother making a goofy face. Nathan looks good on the red carpet. But then again, that had always been one of their biggest differences. Nathan liked to be the centre of attention…

Just like Brooke.

He knows what's coming up next, yet he can't make himself change the channel. All the cameras are turned towards a black Hummer and then Owen steps out through the back door. He smiles towards the press before reaching into the car to give his company a helping hand, and Lucas squints.

"Why do you _have_ to look like that?" he almost whimpers to the TV-screen. Because_she's_ getting out of the car now, and she looks so hot that it's not even funny.

It's one type of pain to see her in that sexy black dress, hardly long enough to cover her ass. But it's another, much worse type of pain, to watch her grab Owen's hand.

She smiles widely, dimples deep as moon-craters, and elegantly waves to the crowd.

They all seem to love her. The cameras, the press, the fans… But then again, so does he. And this is the problem. This is the reason to why he's sitting in his couch at nine o'clock on a Friday night, wearing his old sweatpants and a shaggy looking t-shirt.

If he can't be around Brooke without hurting or seeing her on TV without dying to touch her, then how is he going to be able to spend a whole night watching her and Owen? After what happened two weeks ago he can't risk it again. And it doesn't matter that she says she's forgiven him. Or that Haley swears that Brooke and Owen are just friends. Because they don't _understand_. They don't know that he is failing.

None of them know that however much he hates it, there is nothing he wants more than Brooke.

And that is why he can't go to the reopening of the Blue Post and Brooke's fashion-show. Even if the place is totally redecorated he can't do it. Not when she wants nothing more from him than being_friends_.

He's been trying to avoid it for over an hour but at nine he finally goes into the kitchen and grabs the bottle of rum still standing on the counter. He shouldn't drink. The alley was supposed to be the last time and he shouldn't even smell the content, because he knows that it can go either way. Either the liquor will make him miss Brooke even more, or it will help him forget her. The problem is that beforehand there's no telling which it will be.

He brings the bottle and a single shot-glass with him to the table, and he downs the first one before even sitting down. It _should_ worry him that it doesn't even sting, but it doesn't.

The sound from the TV is faint but audible and when he closes his eyes he instantly sees her on the inside of his eyelids.

_"Having fun yet?"_

The sixteen year-old Brooke is vivid in his mind. The way she downed her beer that night at their first date, and licked her lips before looking at him in a way that was far to sexy for her age.

Drinking had been fun then, because he had been drinking _with_ her, not because he so badly needs to forget her.

"_What do you think of __this__ tattoo?"_

Oh god… the way her lips had tasted and felt the first time he kissed her up against that brick wall in the backroom of the pool-hall. And when she unbuttoned her jeans to show him the tiny Chinese symbol on her hip…

Damn it!

He squeezes his eyes shut. Downs another shot of the light brown liquid and breaths through his nose. But she won't leave him alone. More high school memories just keep invading his brain. Her creamy skin, her toned legs wrapped around him late at night, her raspy voice in his ear while she nibbled his earlobe as he had her pinned against her locker.

There's just no use of fighting it and he draws a deep breath as the memories becomes so real that he can almost feel her skin against his.

…almost hear her say the three words that he misses so much…

And that's when someone knocks on the door.

-b-

"I can't believe how different this place looks…" Brooke mumbles and scans the old pool-hall.

The shaggy bar is a nightclub now. Modern interior and flashing lights making the place look bigger and less 'dark'. The runway that's been set up earlier in the day now looks less like a construction-site and more like an environment she's used to, and a part of her almost wishes she could get up there and model her clothes herself, like she had in the beginning of her career. Then again, she'll get enough of that when she does the Victoria's Secret show in less than a week.

"It looks amazing."

Owen squeezes her hand and she smiles at him. She's calmed down since leaving Rachel at the hotel and instead of feeling angry she now feels empty. She wishes that Lucas had said yes to her invitation of escorting her, but she not surprised at his rejection. After that night when he came to her hotel room things had been weird. Not hostile, but tense, and she guesses that he laid out that bad excuse because he didn't want to give her false hope.

He could probably see right through her. See how bad she still had it in for him and maybe he even thought she was being pathetic. But something in his eyes, that night in her suite, had made her think that he felt _something_ too. And that 'something' had been why she asked him to go with her tonight.

She wishes that he had said yes, but he hadn't, and there wasn't much more she could do.

Having Owen with her feels nice. He's become a close friend during the last couple of weeks, and he's a safe choice since the press had already tried connecting them. She has already decided that she's really going to try and stay in contact with him when she goes back, even though her New York life really doesn't allow for much social-time with friends.

However; New York, fashion and her business is after all her life, and it's time that she stops thinking differently. Lucas Scott is simply meant for someone else, and so is the loving family life that Nathan and Haley shares.

Maybe she just has too much baggage? Maybe she…

Owen must notice that she keeps zoning out because he wraps an arm around her shoulders and she silently looks down at her dress.

"Do I look alright?" she asks him a little nervously and he laughs as if saying 'are you kidding me?'

Then the reporters pull her away for some interviews and she realizes that a part of her actually misses her other life. The action and 'pulse'. Nathan joins her for some celebrity-photo-shoots and then they all head for the VIP-section for drinks before the show and band-performance starts.

Sitting in between Haley and Owen, sipping an Apple Martini Sour, she sends a text message:

_Sorry for being a bitch. You know I love you and I'll try to talk to Lucas tomorrow. There's a cold Cosmo and a hot Owen waiting for you here in the bar.  
XOXO. /B_

Things would be okay. Eventually.

If Rachel just stopped moping and came down here soon, the evening could actually be fun.

_And I need you like a heart needs a beat  
But it's nothing new  
_

Lucas is back at the kitchen table and he tries to wrap his mind around why Rachel is just downing a shot of rum across the table from him.

He hasn't seen the redhead since that night in the hospital and all of a sudden she's showing up at his house, inviting herself in and happily announcing that she was glad he had got the hard liquor out already, because 'Boy, did she need a drink…'

And he had gladly gotten a glass for her, knowing that she was probably the only one right now that he could drink with without being scolded, since Rachel had no clue about his 'problem'.

At first it had been nice to have company, to have a drinking buddy, ready to do a shot for every shot he did, but then Rachel started talking about Brooke and the mood in the room completely changed.

Now she watches him as if she's waiting for him to say something. The problem is that he has no clue what so ever what that 'something' would be.

Because according to the redhead, Brooke is not anyway near as composed and strong as she seems. Instead Rachel has just told him that all of the traits Brooke has shown since coming back are fake. The coldness, the business-talk, the perfect exterior and the way she's been avoiding him. It's all a façade to cover a really broken and lost girl.

And although he has trouble believing it, he knows that it might be true. Because Brooke has always turned towards coldness and anger when she's hurting.

"So even if you're right," he mumbles, "Why are you telling _me_ this?"

Rachel laughs and leans in a bit over the table.

"Come on Lucas. You've always been kind of dense, but you were never stupid. Brooke has been in Tree Hill for almost two months. You _must_ know why."

"No."

"Because she _loves_ you, you fucking air-head."

He chokes on the drink and spits the liquid out over the table, earning a stifled laugh from the girl across from him. And Rachel doesn't stop there.

"Seriously Luke. I'm telling you all this because she needs you, and you have to stop being so scared and set things straight."

By now he's composed enough to talk and he shakes his head disbelievingly.

"Are you mentally instable, Rachel? It's obvious to everyone that she wants nothing to do with me. At least not in that way… I guess she came here to try and set things straight between us, so that we can be _friends_, but she doesn't love me Rachel. I don't think she ever did…"

Rachel looks at him blankly, muttering "You're such an idiot…" And for a couple of minutes she sits quiet as if she's thinking of something else and is lost in her own trail of thoughts. Then she takes a sip from the glass of 'Captain Morgan' he's given her and says;

"You know… I never really had a best friend when I was a kid. I was the fat girl all throughout elementary school and junior high. And in high school my family moved so often that I never had the chance to make friends…"

She looks out through the window and sighs.

"Before we came to Tree Hill my longest placement in a high school was four months… But then I started Tree Hill High and I met Brooke. And you know that I was a complete bitch to her. But she made me laugh and she looked out for me like no one else ever has… she challenged me, pushed me… she made me better…"

"Your point being?"

He knows he sounds harsh, and it's not to be mean, but all this talk about Brooke is making him uncomfortable. Guarded. Rachel is plotting something, because what she just said about Brooke still loving him is insane. Rachel however, seems unfazed.

"My point being that she's my best friend. She became my first _real_ friend, the first person that I felt like I could depend on... And for almost eighteen months I've only seen glimpses of the girl she used to be… And I _miss_ her like crazy. I need her back…"

He sighs and starts to rise from the table.

"I hear you Rach… but there's not much I can do, is there? As I said, we hardly don't even talk. I can't be around her without hurting and up until a couple of days ago she hated my guts and I pretended to hate hers… So I still don't get the point of you coming here? Don't get me wrong, it's nice to see you and all, but there is nothing I can do for her. Brooke and I should really be a closed chapter by now. I'm too tired to rip up all those feelings."

Surprisingly Rachel smiles.

"Sit your ass down."

"What?"

"I said; _Sit_ your _ass_ down."

Her eyes bore into his, sternly but not unfriendly. "You said 'should'. And that's the point Luke. You _should_ be a closed chapter. But you're _not_. You know it, I know it… the whole freaking world knows it."

He looks back at her and he honestly doesn't know what to say. No one has had the guts to talk to him this way about him and Brooke in so long. Truthfully, no one probably _ever_ had, except for this crazy redhead…

"_OK, so, what is the deal with you and Brooke anyway?"He shrugged slightly, still leant against the pole to the basketball-hoop, and the redhead, who was his date for the night, eased herself down from her position on the picnic-table._

"_She's just not ready to commit," he mumbled.Rachel smirked and walked a little closer to him. "Right, that's usually what I tell guys I'm not really into."He just laughed back humorlessly, thinking that the girl's comments were starting to annoy him. She didn't even know Brooke._

"_And," he said to emphasize his better knowledge of the brunette. "…she wants to make sure I'm serious about her, you know? Plus…""Plus, what?"_

_The redhead had her eyebrow raised in a somewhat mocking fashion, but he answered without hesitation. _

"_She's the 'one'.""Why?""She just is. I feel it." He took a step back from her and unconsciously spun the basketball in his hands. "You know, Pascal says: 'the heart has reasons that reason cannot know'."_

_She had to see it now, he thought. Brooke was the one for him. But Rachel raised her eyebrow even higher._

"_And what did Pascal say about Chris Keller?"_

"Okay… so let's say you're right," he mumbles. "It's obvious that I still have feelings for her. I wouldn't be a drunk pathetic loser right now if I didn't. But does it even make a difference? She was the one that wanted nothing to do with me when we were in New York… She told me to leave and to stay away."

"She never told you to stay away."

"But…"

"No Luke. She didn't. Just like when she broke up with you senior year, she said that she 'couldn't do it'. And there's a big difference. She was weak, she had just had a miscarriage… and I mean, hell, who can blame her? With the stuff you said…"

She laughs dryly and takes a bigger sip of her drink.

"You have to pick one person, Lucas, and you have to _fight_ to make it work. And I'll give it to you, for a while there you actually started to get the 'picking' part down. The problem with you is that you never had the guts to really fight."

He looks at her and she shrugs in that typical Rachel-way.

"Seriously, Lucas. You suck at the fighting-part, and you know it. Did you think you'd score by letting her over-hear that you still loved Peyton? That she'd get jealous, huh? I thought you knew her better than that."

"What the hell do you mean?"

He has no clue what Rachel talks about. _Peyton_? He hadn't been with Peyton or felt anything romantically for the blonde since before he met Brooke at his book release-party. They were just friends.

Rachel sighs. "She heard you talk. In the hospital, that night when she lost your baby. She heard all that stuff you said about how you didn't have any strength left to fight for her, and about how she was never 'the one'…"

He squints and tries to process what it is that she's rambling on about. Wishes that he hadn't downed that last glass of Jamaican Rum. He knows that there is something wrong with what she's saying, because he remembers the words she just repeated back to him, hell he had talked to Haley about it just weeks ago. But the words had been about _Peyton_, not Brooke.

But there is something else. Something that she said that…

"I mean seriously Luke. I'm not angry at you anymore but I could have killed you back then. Why would you even say those things? It was so obvious that…"

"Shh!"

His hushing sound silences her and he holds his hand up to keep her from starting up again. Shuts his eyes tight and tries to concentrate.

"What did you say before that, Rachel?"

"What? That you had to fight for her? That…"

"No, no… about the baby…"

It's on the tip of his tongue, almost within reach, and he looks up again urging her to repeat herself. Rachel looks back at him confused, and in frustration he runs his fingers through his already unruly hair.

And then he knows.

Before she even says anything, it hits him like a punch in the face.

"_In the hospital, that night when she lost your baby…"_

Rachel must realize her mistake at the exact same moment because her eyes grow big.

"Please tell me that was just a slip of your tongue Rach…" he pleads almost feverishly, but the complete and utter guilt on her face tells him the answer, and from there on its like free-falling into a hole of blackness.

Brooke had lied.

And as he stands up, he no longer wishes that he hadn't been drinking so much rum. He wishes he had drunk a lot more.

-b-

"How come Lucas isn't here?" Peyton asks and looks up at the band playing. "He was just sitting at home when I talked to him right before we came here."

Brooke snaps up to look at the blonde and without thinking she says: "What? No… Lucas was supposed to…"

Then she stops herself, suddenly feeling immensely stupid. Of course there wasn't any '_thing'_ that stood in the way of him coming here tonight. It had just been something he said to not have to come here with _her_. A lame excuse.

Haley watches her as if she's waiting for her to continue, but when she doesn't, the former tutor shrugs.

"Maybe he wasn't feeling good?"

Another lame excuse, quickly put together by Haley because it was obvious that she was hurt over the white lie. And she's so fucking tired of all these lies. Of all the covering up, pretending and holding stuff inside. So she mutters;

"He's not here because he doesn't want to be around _me_. Isn't that obvious?"

Then she reaches for the drink that she so far has hardly touched, and practically downs it in one go.

Haley and Peyton give each other confused looks over the table and Owen uncomfortably squirms in his chair.

Fuck Lucas, he obviously wants to stay away. But where the hell is Rachel when she needs her?

What's hurting the most, and what's making Lucas the most angry, is that for over a year he has felt as if he was crazy. He had grieved an unborn baby that wasn't even his and he had spent the bigger half of three months drunk off his ass because he felt so bad for leaving Brooke. He had driven himself mad with 'if's and 'but's, before finally coming to terms with the fact that she just didn't love him back.

And now everything proves to be the opposite.

It_ had_ been his baby. _His_ child. And Brooke had shut him out of her life over a fucking misunderstanding?

Now and again he had read in books about the feeling of having the carpet ripped away from under your feet. And staring back at Rachel, who's still trying to explain, he guesses that this must be it. This must be how it felt.

Suddenly it's as if his brain isn't working. He can't hear or think or feel. He only knows that he has to find Brooke and he has to make her explain this.

"Where is she?" he says coldly, and the redhead sitting at his kitchen table keeps going on and on about how complicated all this is and about how he can't tell Brooke that he knows. So he yells.

"Rachel! Where the HELL is Brooke now?!"

She suddenly looks a little pale, maybe even a little scared.

"I don't know… I think she's at The Blue Post but I'm not sure…"

She looks at him begging, "Please Lucas, you can't be mad at her… She only did all this because she thought it was for the best. You didn't know if you still had feelings for Peyton and she…"

"NO!"

His voice echoes loudly in the silent kitchen. "Fuck! There were NEVER any doubts, okay! I was in love with BROOKE. I wanted a fucking LIFE with Brooke! Peyton had nothing to do with this! You knew that Rachel. Hell, YOU should have made her understand!"

Rachel's face drops and she keeps trying to explain, keeps trying to calm him down, but he doesn't want to hear it. And when he heads for the door and she gets up to cut him off, he just hisses between clenched teeth;

"You do _not_ want to stand in my way right now, Rachel."

She moves away from the door and he's almost by his car when he hears her call his name.

"Lucas, come on… you've been drinking. At least take a cab…"

He grabs the car door, needs to get away from the redhead, but her next sentence makes him drop the handle again.

"How can you even think about driving drunk after what happened to Brooke? You could become _him_… that truck-driver… the baby would have been alive if…"

He freezes for a second and the old feeling of wanting to kill that bastard washes over him. Instead of answering Rachel, he just drops his car keys and starts walking, and before he has even gotten down the driveway, the walk has turned into a jog.

Rachel calls for him again but as soon as he gets down to the street corner he breaks into a run. It's too far to run the Blue Post from here, but if he crosses Mrs Murphy's garden he could catch a cab down on Main Street. And since he's sure that Rachel is going to go there too, he needs to run fast.

Because he needs to get to Brooke first, before Rachel has the chance to warn her.

_I loved you with a fire red-  
Now it's turning blue, and you say...  
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you  
But I'm afraid...  
_

It's getting late and Brooke is feeling a little tipsy. Haley is laughing at something she just said and she giggles back, not even sure what was so funny. The heavy drinking she has taken up during the last hour is paying off, and the sadness of having Lucas avoid her so obviously has slowly dissolved with the alcohol.

Screw him, she thinks. She'll just arrange to go back to New York tomorrow instead. That way she wouldn't have to see him until Jamie's birthday in two weeks. It's time to cut her losses and to face the fact that however much she loves Lucas Scott and however much she needs him, he doesn't want to give things another try. If he did, then he'd be here tonight.

Eventually they'd learn how to be friends but she needs to face the fact that 'lovers' are in the past and that Rachel is wrong. Talking to Lucas wont help. She's tried, but he bails every time.

Then all of a sudden Haley turns quiet and Haley and Nathan, both facing the entrance, suddenly look very strange.

She turns slowly, with a weird sense of foreshadowing inside her. And Lucas is right behind her, looking pale as a ghost.

Her first thought is actually the old expression 'when you think about someone, they're often standing right behind you…'

Her second is about how he had even gotten through the door. He's not dressed up, in fact he's wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, and he's unshaved and scruffy. But the paleness and the pain in his eyes make her worried.

And that's when he speaks.

"Was it mine?"

She blinks, still not really understanding at first although his dissolved state should make it obvious.

"What?"

Rachel appears behind him, looking like she's been crying and waving her hands as if trying to stop her from answering anything at all. She feels as if she's about to faint. Rachel has done the one thing she promised NEVER to do…

"Just tell me the fucking truth Brooke! Was the baby mine?"

She can't talk. Can't breathe.

Can't lie.

So she nods. Slowly as if all of this is just a bad dream and there's a slight hope that she'll soon wake up. But as she nods she sees him flinch as if he's been slapped in the face.

He deflates in front of her, drops his shoulders and his jaw falls. Then he closes his eyes and she feels as though time has stopped.

"I can't believe this…" he whispers, and she feels so guilty.

"Lucas…" she mumbles and takes a hesitant step towards him, but he flinches and walks backwards. "Luke… I'm… I just thought it was for the best…"

He looks at her with total disbelief, and to the left of her she sees the confusion on four other faces. Nathan, Haley, Peyton… even Owen. All of them kept in the dark about her life's biggest secret.

Rachel looks desperate, and she knows that the redhead is sorry, yet she can't help but hate her for bringing it all to this.

"How could you LIE to me?! You looked me in the eyes and told me that the baby wasn't mine!"

Tears are in his eyes now and she longs to reach out and dry them away, but at the same time she's feeling lonely, cornered and wrongfully accused. There had been a reason for her choices and he was to blame for that too.

"Wait… what? It was _Lucas'_ baby? But how…" Nathan starts, but she doesn't even have a chance to answer him. Lucas just blocks his brother out by raising his hand and his voice.

"Talk to _ME,_ Brooke! You fucking owe me an explanation to this!"

If she could explain, then she would. She would stand straight and tell him that she had wanted that baby more than anything and that she hadn't planned on lying. She had even hoped for a life with him and the baby, and for them to become a family. But he hadn't even had the guts to tell her to her face that he didn't want her, or that he was still in love with her friend.

Now, after almost eighteen months of complete silence from him, she _can't_ explain, because doing that will break her.

How the hell could he be this cruel? He must have known back then how she felt and still he played along in the charade. Told her he loved her, kept pushing her to say it back, and all the time he had still wanted Peyton. He hadn't tried to get in touch with her once since then, so what did he really want from her?

"You have no right Lucas!" she gets out, so close to tears that it scares her. "You strung me along, just like you did with Lindsey. I guess she was just a second hand deal as well, since you broke up with her as soon as Peyton got back!"

"Peyton? Oh god, sometimes you're so _DAMN_ stupid!!"

He's yelling now and in the corner of her eye she sees the expression on Peyton's face. The blonde looks totally crestfallen.

Damn it. The blonde had probably just figured out that the timeline of this meant that she and Lucas had had sex, merely days after Peyton broke up with him.

"I'm sorry Peyton…" she mumbles in the direction of her former best friend. "It's not how you think…"

It is as if her fragile house of cards is finally falling down over her head and she wants to just run. Run out of the club, out of Tree Hill, and never return.

"You're telling _her_ that you're sorry?"

Lucas grabs her arm now, forces her to look at him.

"Yes I am…" she looks up at him defiantly. "Because I never want her to feel like I did! But I guess she was smarter then I was, because she turned you down."

She tries to get away from him. Tries to, but fails because she can't bare ripping her arm out of his grip. Not when he looks as if she's just torn his heart out of his chest.

The people around them are staring now, but thankfully the music is still on and none of the people from the press seemed to have noticed the ruckus from their secluded corner.

Rachel puts her hand on Lucas shoulder and she can see that the redhead is prepared to plead.

"Lucas… there's people here from both Entertainment Weekly and InTouch, even ABC. This is exactly the type of thing they're looking for… They're gonna rip Brooke to shreds if they hear this…"

But her blond ex just shakes off Rachel's hand.

"Brooke. Look at me."

His voice is stern. Icy. "You do NOT turn this on me, you hear me? I had a _right_ to know!"

She pushes him in the chest to create more space between them, because being this close to him is suddenly hurting her physically. Just the faint scent of his cologne throws her back to the many nights that she had missed him so much that she had almost made herself sick from the pressure of tears inside her. She still remembers the pain from the first night when she realized that he wouldn't come back. And now she's feeling the same pain again.

He stumbles back a step, probably seeing her determination, maybe even her anger. But obviously not the fact that she's slowly but surely falling apart.

"Fine! I'm _sorry_!" she half pleads, half yells. "Okay? I'm really sorry… I though I was protecting the both of us! There was no reason for you to know… Not when you didn't…"

He interrupts her again and the ice turns to fire. Hot and consuming anger.

"It's too late Brooke!" he bellows. "It's been _eighteen_ months! A damn year and a half! Don't you see that it's fucking too late to apologize?"

Suddenly she feels so tired of fighting with him and unable to stop her bottom lip from trembling, she mumbles "Can we do this somewhere else Lucas? Please?"

She wants him to understand, wants him to forgive her for lying. His beautiful blue eyes are weary and tired behind the mask of harsh words, as if he hasn't slept a whole night for weeks. And there's this profound sadness in them that makes it even more evident that he doesn't understand why she has done this. And when push comes to shove, when she once again steps closer to him and reaches out to hold on to the front of his sweater, her hurt expression and slight peace-offering seems to do nothing to extinguish his anger.

He just takes a deep breath and his face turns stone cold. He grabs her wrists and with a swift but controlled motion, he removes her hands from his shirt. And then she hears him hiss:

"You're clearly not the same, Brooke. And because of what you did, _I'm_ not the same… You…_ this…_ it ruined _us_!"

Then he averts his eyes from her.

"I_can't_ look at you…" he mumbles.

Then he leaves.

_It's too late to apologize, it's too late  
I said it's too late to apologize, _

_it's too late…_

"Lucas!"

He hears the voice calling him from a distance, but he doesn't care. It's as if he's in a dreamlike state. Or probably more in some kind of nightmare. He keeps running, keeps pushing his legs to go faster and the other person keeps following.

"Luke! What the fuck! Can you stop?"

The voice is persistent and he's not surprised. His brother is as stubborn as they come. Nathan will keep following him until the end of time if he has to, and there's really no use trying to outrun him either. But there's nothing to say. Nothing to explain or 'deal' with. He just wants to get back to the house and the safety of the bottle.

"Leave me alone Nate…" he yells back, but he's already slowing down, knowing that Nathan won't listen and that there's no use. "I don't want to talk."

"Well, tough luck big brother, I do!"

His dark haired brother has caught up to him now and they both stop. Hunched over a little, with hands rested against bended knees, they both spend a couple of seconds to catch their breaths. And he can't help but wonder if it pleases Nathan that he had been right all along. He had after all said that something big must have happened back in New York. Why would Brooke otherwise have been so broken?

How the hell could you lie to me, Brooke… Why didn't you tell me?

He turns and looks at Nathan. Waits for his brother to say what ever it is he's come to say. And Nathan watches him closely, forehead in creases and sad eyes.

"You've gotta come back…" he says pleadingly. "You and Brooke… you need to talk about this."

"No."

You were my world, Brooke. You and that baby were going to be my family…

"What do you mean 'no'?" Nathan's eyes are full of frustration. "She carried your baby, man! _Your_ baby…"

"Yeah? And then she _lied_."

He laughs dryly and walks backwards. "She lied straight to my fucking face… All I wanted was to be there for her and she LIED and said the baby wasn't mine!"

All I wanted was to hold you and grieve our baby together with you…

He shakes his head and squints. His subconscious betrays him and keeps the internal dialogue with Brooke going even though the brunette is left behind in the club. And it hurts so damn much.

"There must be a reason for that Lucas. Brooke loves you. There must be a logical explanation for all this, and you need to find out what that is because you love her too, man… this has to stop Luke. You two_have_ to talk."

He shakes his head again.

"No we don't Nathan! Can't you understand that I have nothing left to say to her?"

He has nothing left to say to Brooke and yet his mind keeps playing their last conversation at the hospital.

"_I never said that you were the father, right? And you aren't, Lucas. I told you to forget about me. I need to be on my own Lucas. It has nothing to do with you… I don't want to have a relationship with you. You or anyone."_

"_But Brooke…"_

"_No Lucas. I'm tired… just go."_

_"If I walk out this door Brooke, I won't come back."_

"_It's the way I want it. I can't do this… One day you'll understand."_

Understand? What the hell was there to understand? He still doesn't, and it's been a year and a half now.

"She lied, Nate!" he keeps yelling like a broken record. "I have NOTHING to say to her!"

Nathan shakes his head sadly and watches as he keeps retreating backwards. Towards his house. Towards safety in forms of bottled numbness. And this time Nathan doesn't follow.

"You're going to regret this, Lucas… deep inside you know she didn't do this to hurt you…"

"I don't care."

Somewhere in the back of his head a single sentence from the past floats up to the surface.

_It doesn't matter… in the end it all hurts just the same._

_I said it's too late to apologize…_

_I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground_

* * *

**Author's note:**I know that this chapter was longer than what is even sane. And I know that it is also a lot more confusing than usual, but I blame that on the fact that a lot of pieces were written while I still had fever. If it's too weird, feel free to PM me any of your questions. LOL I just thought it was better to post before you all started sending me hate-mail.

Love you all.

**Thank you's:**

BIG thanks to Hilary (BrookeScott134) for trying to help me figure this mess out when I was sick. Love you, girl!

Emma (brucasnaleyjeyton): Hey kiddo! I love us too. You know I couldn't have done this without you, right? And I know I've already told you this but that review from last chapter was soo sweet. Since you're my little undercover brathan-lover I'll make sure to give you some more Brathan scenes ;) And I hope you're right and that I'm not losing my way with this. Love you baby!

Daniel (FloatingDownARiver): Baby! Have you been worried about me:D I'm gonna send you a long PM with an explanation to why I have been missing, but I wanted to say that I was thrilled to receive both your WONDERFUL review and you valentine's day PM. I think I need to make an award for you for having written the longest review ever in ff-history. What can I say? Other than that you always make my day Daniel. I hope you know that. There is always that little extra in your reviews, that little thing that makes me smile and feel better when I'm sad. And that is on top of all the amazing feedback you give me. Love you for that, so much. Xoxo (LOL, you should read my gossip girl-smut)

Cheyenne (jeytonbrucasnaley): Chey, my love. I don't want to kill you. I need you to stay alive so that you can keep helping me to stay grounded and finish this story. But I'm so glad you liked the chapter. This one is probably more in the lines of a 'long ramble' LOL

Jules (JULESM24): Aren't you little miss detective? Rachel did exactly what you foreshadowed, right? LOL. She came, saw and told it like it is. And when I'm telling you that you're a wonderful person, then I'm doing exactly the same: I'm just telling it like it is ;). I was really hoping that you would love the babysitting and I was right :D We really need some quality BL on the real show soon. Love you Jules!

Trish (OTHbrucas4ever): You know what Trish? I think that if any of all the wonderful writers we have in the BL fanbase would replace Mark, we'd be fine. :D I love your reviews hun, and I agree; Nathan is the bluntest person ever.

Bri (Tripnfallbri): Bri, you are spoiling me with these AMAZING, WONDERFUL and long reviews. You and Daniel are incredible. Every time I think that there is no way you can outdo yourself and yet you do! That review was no less than unbelievable. You pick up every little thing I toss out there and I'm so glad that you didn't find it corny when Brooke told Nathan that she's still in love with Lucas. I really hope you do know how much your reviews mean. Thank you immensely!

Whitney (whiters): I BET you love/hate them even more after this chapter. LOL I know I do. Brooke and Lucas drive me insane sometimes. It's like I don't decide over them, I just let them out of Marks world and now I have to go 'their' way to be able to finish this story. Thanks for your nice review.

Ebony (jc4127): LOL, well it's okay that you've been a slacker since I took three times as long as usual to update. And this chapter didn't have that much Peyton either, right? I'll see what I can do about that Peyton-less world, alright? ;)

Chelsea (brucaschopia4ever): Chels, I'm so sorry this took so long. I know you told me to update super soon. And I will, okay? Your reviews make me so happy, I hope you know that. Mega-hugs.

Britt: I'm glad to hear that you haven't abandoned my story but I really miss you. I haven't seen you on msn in ages either  I really hope your computer will be fixed soon. Much love…

Brucas True Love: Was that 'talk' a good start or was it too much yelling? ;) thanks for the review.

lonesome dreamer: LOL thanks for trusting me to take the time I need. I promise that I'll do my best not to disappoint.

Sbf: thank you so much for that sweet review. I hope that I won't disappoint you with the 'reunion' LOL Shel (Truelovedoesntexist): The drinking is sad, but so is Luke and he needs an outlet. Even more so after this chapter, don't you think? Thank you for reviewing.

othfan326: I PM'd you about your question, didn't I? About Lucas knowing that Brooke is coming back since Nathan told him? Anyways, thanks for that amazing review. Its always such a creative 'feed' to know that people actual READ my story and pick up my little 'hints'. LOL Thank you.

brucas333: LOL, I'm not trying to do anything to your heart, but I'm trying to fix Lucas and Brooke… although after this chapter, I bet you think that I'm heading in the wrong direction. ;)

bella: I'm glad I could be of service to take your mind off the show. S5 is really disappointing. Thanks for your review. :D

flipflopgal: the inner struggles from last chapter turned to more explicit struggles in this one. I hope you still like it. Thank you for your review.

Shaz (awhero): It seems to me as if you liked 11 better than 12, and actually that seems to be the general opinion. This is weird to me since 12 had so much more BL… LOL  
I love your reviews Shaz, you know that. Thank you so much.

Brucas2006: About Peyton… well, she's kind of been on a backburner for a while, and she really isn't that important right now. But she'll resurface. :D I'm so happy to hear that you like my story. Reviews like yours is exactly what I need to keep being inspired.

Greekcat92: And how sweet are you? Reviewing almost every chapter:D I hope that this chapter made up a good enough thank you for all that greatness. I'm so glad to hear that you like my story, and I agree, Lucas is stupid for leaving, but he's just so scared… I usally don't take so long between updates for this story and I really hope you'll stick with it. :D Thank you!

Redfeather1988: Welcome to the story. It's been a while ;) I love those reviews.

Loes (Loezzzje): LOL my pervy little Loes… they'll get it on again, don't you worry.

Natalie (Iluvmedou) thank you hun! Goosebumps huh? And I crave your reviews ;)

Treehilldreams: You were so right. I was refering to the baby she lost when she didn't want him kissing her belly. Guilt can be a very powerful thing… I loved your review and I'm happy to see that you still trust me to fix them. Thanks!

Isa (Zazou21): LOL I didn't mean to either make you go nuts or break your heart, but I'm soo glad that you liked the hotel-scene. And I'm so happy that you all seem to have picked up all the emotion I tried to put in there. Nathan and Brooke are both blunt with their way of expressing things, maybe that's why they work so well together? Thank you so much for that wonderful review.

Taylergirl: I'm sorry I've kept you waiting. I really hope this chapter was good enough. Thanks for your reviews and PM's.

Ella (ellabella18): I'm so glad you liked that part. And I hope that this chapter didn't disappoint. Your reviews feed me. :D

Jessica (Hermoinegirl03): two reviews? How awesome are you? LOL both of those reviews were amazing and I'm so glad that you liked the 'moment' between Brooke and Lucas at the hotel. As for the carriage-ride scene, I am a somewhat regular (used to be every day) visitor of Fanforum and their spoiler-thread ;) On there we make it our business to find out as much as we can about the new season and sometimes those spoilers make it into my story. PM me if you wanna know more. Thank you again hun.

Chebelle: As you said; They're madly in love, although sometimes love hurts so much, right? Lucas is hurting and the drinking is his outlet, but I'll adress that, I promise. Thanks for the review :D

Gracie (Brookebynature): Hun, haven't you been miss busy bee? Lol. I need to sit down and review all the oneshots that you've been pushing out lately. And I'm sorry this update took so long.

Coffee.With.Cinnamon: It makes me immensly proud to know that my story is the first one you took time to review. That is like the best compliment a writer can receive. That, alongside with the fact that I make you _feel_ with my characters. I'm so proud that you like my stories and I really hope that you'll keep following them. It's clear to me that even though english might not be your native language, you write it better than well. I bet you'd write a great story. And I need you to know that what you call pointless rambling; I call a positively AMAZING review!

Kacie: Welcome to the story:D

BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE , LiZ457 , Othrox, PrincetongirlSuper thank you to all of you. I'm so happy that you're still reading my story.

Special shout out to Joe and HelenItsMe from last chapter: Joe, I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes there just isn't time to review. Just know that I'm very grateful. HelenItsMe: Welcome to the story. And thank you.


	14. Things Don't Always Work Out That Way

**Author's note:** Hey all. I was so pleased to see that so many of you liked my last chapter even though it was of monstrous length. And as promised, this one didn't take half as long to get posted, right? The amazing song for this chapter was found for me by the lovely Cami (B. Davis). It's preformed by 'The Calling' and I've waited forever to use it. Thank you hun!

* * *

**-**

**CHAPTER 14 – ****Things don't always turn out that way**

**-**

_Well he can't sleep at night  
And he can't do what's right  
It was all because she came into his life  
it's a deep obsession, taking up his time  
_

-

Lucas closes his eyes and sighs when the cell phone in his pocket buzzes for the fiftieth time today. He retrieves it, against his will, just to check what he already knows.

The name blinks clearly on the display:

_Brooke Davis._

Just like the other forty-nine times that she's called today, he puts the phone back without answering. And just like every time for the last six days, when Haley has been around when he does this, his childhood friend gives him a sad look. Although she doesn't say anything. She knows by now that there's no use…

At least he's sober today.

-

_She's all that he wants, she's all that he needs  
She's everything he just won't believe  
_

Brooke disappointedly jams her cell phone back into her purse and leaves it on the table of the fitting-room, before venturing out in the backstage hallway. She's hesitated long enough and after hiding in her New York apartment for five days she has to make an appearance. She _has__to_ because in less than two hours she'll walk the catwalk for Victoria's Secret, broadcasted not only in this state or even country, and after that people will know she's back.

Although first she has to face all the industry-people in this building and just as she figured, it starts as soon as she shows her face in the bigger room.

"Hey Brooke!"

"Good to see you Davis! Where have you been?"

"We haven't seen you in ages girlie!"

"Nice! You got a wing-outfit? I wanted that!"

She smiles back to the different girls, waves and offers a few hugs. Models are everywhere. Clothes, assistants, 'behind the scene'-workers… Nothing has really changed. This used to be everyday life, and yet now it all feels so different.

She walks between the racks of negligees and lacy underwear and realizes that in just two months she has totally forgotten what it's like. The organization it takes to arrange an event like this, the craziness of it all, and the number of people residing behind the curtains. It's weird to not be in charge and run the course of things, and when she's finally cleared in 'last fitting' and heads for makeup, she wonders what she's really doing here, if she'll even pull this off.

She needs to look her best, and she's sure that the concealer will do a great job at hiding the dark circles under her eyes, but the Victoria's Secret Show demands flawlessness. It calls for twinkling eyes, dimples and flirty smiles. It wants sexy attitude, sunny health and fun, and she can only thank the man above that someone decided to put her in _this_ as a first outfit. Because the happy flirty look used to be her specialty, and the last year and a half she has at least been good at faking it. But tonight, after all that has happened the last week, she's not.

She's leaning towards the back of a chair in the makeup-room and for the hundredth time she thinks of Lucas. How he might watch the show on TV and think she's fine. Think that she has no heart and that she doesn't care about how she broke him. But she does. She does care so much that she's on her thirty-second awake hour and her chest feels like it's taken a beating.

Last night though, she realized that Rachel's probably right. It hadn't mattered if she stayed in Tree Hill and tried to explain. He refused to see her and he refused to take her calls. She had left all her telephone numbers with Haley if he wanted to reach her, and by now she had probably filled his answering machine with messages three times fold. But six days after the night that he finally admitted that it was too late, she still hasn't heard a word.

The whole thing is ironic, really. He broke her heart several times, literally ripped it into a million pieces. And during nineteen months she had though that he left her without even looking back. That was what had hurt the most; that while he took her whole world with him when leaving, he seemed to have just shrugged her off like an old coat.

For what she knew, he hadn't looked back once.

And then she came back to her New York loft five days ago and found the letter. Tired from facing too much emotion, from holding herself together during the plane-ride, and from yelling at Rachel and Philip, she had taken the mail and gone into her home-office. It was mostly bills, some invitations and postcards. But the battered envelope, once creamcolored but now tainted and crumbled, stood out to her instantly.

It had _his_ handwriting. Lucas'…

_The envelope had more postal stamps than she'd ever seen. There was a footprint on it and one of the corners had ripped, but it hadn't been opened._

_Slowly she outlined the letters on the front with her finger. _

_Brooke Davis. _

_When had he written this? And why? _

_It didn't have her correct address. Instead it said; fashion district, NY. But that was written with another pen, and by another hand, one that didn't have Lucas' controlled and neat way of writing._

_With shaking hands she finally put a finger in the ripped corner and tore the envelope open. From the dates on the oldest postal stamp this had been sent months ago, and for some reason she knew that it held something that could have changed it all. Something that would have meant a difference. And maybe that was why she felt almost nauseous when she pulled out the piece of paper inside._

_She unfolded the sheet of paper slowly and closed her eyes while letting out a shaky breath. And then she read the single paged letter. Once, twice, maybe even three times before her eyes clouded over with tears. She pressed them back though, swallowed and swallowed and blinked them back in an effort to stay composed._

_Reading it the fourth time, she knew. _

_She might have made a mistake. A huge one._

She jumps a little when Claudio Marques, one of the biggest names in the model industry when it comes to hair and makeup, puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Well well… what if it isn't our little queen B. How have you been, love? I must say that you've done a spectacular job at covering up the puffy eyes and the lack of sleep. Late night? Wild party?"

She huffs in response and kisses the air next to his cheek without objecting to his statement. There's no use. Telling Claudio that you're fine when you're not is like telling the emergency doctor that you've not just been stabbed, even though there's a quarter-sized hole right in the middle of your chest.

"So you're our little angel-demon this year?" he says and nods against the dark grey wings leaned against the wall behind her. "How fitting…"

If she wasn't so used to it, she might feel naked in only lacy underwear. But she's done this so many times. She used to model all the time for Victoria's Secret the first year in college, and right now it's kind of empowering to be facing Claudio like this, especially since he's one of the few in this business that's actually not gay.

"Oh yeah?" she asks with a raised brow and puts a hand on her naked hip. "How so?"

Claudio looks her over. Not in a perverted or even in a dreamy kind of way, more as if he's approving her way of carrying the see-through black lace, the corset and the thigh high stockings fastened in the equally lacy garter belt.

"Well, you're no angel Brooke. You and I both know that. Besides… there's been that dark secret aura around you lately. With this" he says and points towards her attire and wings, "it'll just make you look hot. Hotter than usual…"

He directs her towards the chair in front of the big lighted mirror and motions for her to sit down.

"I'll make the make-up and hair accordingly. Smudgy eyeliner… hair let out and ruffled… what's your second change?"

She sighs and leans back in the chair and when she doesn't answer; Claudio simply touches her naked shoulder and calls out "Elena! Show me Brooke's other sets. NOW!"

She closes her eyes. There's no way to back out now.

And as Claudio gets to work she silently wonders if he has anything in his boxes of makeup that can cover raw guilt.

-

_Take away his doubt, turn him inside out  
Then she can see what he's been dying to say…  
_

Haley runs back and forth between the kitchen and living room and Lucas silently watches her from where he's sitting on the couch. Nathan is on the floor, wrestling James for a kid's sized football, and their laughter is actually soothing.

These last couple of days he's started looking at Jamie differently. He can't help it, but every time he looks at the boy he is reminded that he could have been a father himself. He could have been sitting here with a one year old in his lap…

A little boy or a girl, and Brooke would… No.

Don't go there.

Haley puts a bowl of Cheetos on the table in front of him and pats his shoulder.

"You okay buddy?"

"Yeah…"

_Okay_ might be an overstatement. But he's sober and at least semi-social, which is better then yesterday when he was pretty much drunk off his ass from dusk until dawn.

Tiredly he watches as they're already presenting the show on the big flat-screen TV across the room and he wonders if he should even be watching this. For six days he's been ignoring both his cell phone and the phone at home. He has erased every incoming message on the answering machine before even listening to it, and the e-mails sent by a certain Brooke Davis has gone straight into the deleted file.

He doesn't want to talk to her, see her, or even think about her. Not after what she had done. After what she did he doesn't even want to think about her.

And yet he is about to watch the same said girl parade around in tiny, probably extremely sexy lingerie, in live broadcasted TV.

"I should get going…" he mumbles and starts to get out of the couch, but Jamie instantly starts whining.

"You promised you'd stay, uncle Luke… You said I could sit with you."

"I know, but what if I took you to the park tomorrow instead, huh? Wouldn't that be more fun?"

James pouts and he feels bad. He _had_ promised to stay, but that was before he knew that Nathan and Haley planned on watching Brooke walk the runway in the Victoria's Secret Show. And now he has serious second thoughts about having a TV-night at their house. They had invited him mostly to keep an eye on him, he knows that. Because if he wasn't here then there was a big risk that he'd spend tonight like most other nights this past week. Alone at home, drunk off his ass.

But Haley couldn't expect him to watch this, could she?

"Don't be such a kid…" Nathan mutters from his position on the floor, and at first he isn't sure if his brother is talking to him or to Jamie. But when he sees that Nathan is looking at him with a disappointed face and anger instantly flares inside him.

"_I'm_ not being anything! _She_ lied to me! She…"

"God! Can you _get over_ it!"

But Haley breaks in. "Enough. Both of you! Jamie is sitting right here and I don't want the two of you fighting about Brooke in front of him. Not again. Besides, _I_ want to watch this. If you have something to talk about, deal with it outside!"

He sighs and looks at Nathan who nods towards the terrace doors. And he gets up and follows his brother outside. There had been a lot of tension between him and Nathan these last couple of weeks, actually ever since he kissed Brooke at Tric, and even though Nathan said that he understands why he is angry about the lie, he still feels as though his brother sides with Brooke.

As he slides the glass-door shut behind him, he breathes in the warm early summer air. Apart from the sounds of crickets, and the occasional splash from the neighbour's pool, the evening is calm and quiet.

Nathan sits down on the steps and but he just leans towards the wall.

"Are you gonna give me another one of the famous 'why don't you just listen to what she has to say'-speeches?" he says and Nathan huffs.

"I would… if I thought it would make a difference. But you're too damn pig-headed so I'm not gonna bother…"

They're both silent and he wonders what the hell Nathan wants from him. Just like when they spoke the day after he and Brooke had the fight at Tric, he feels as if Nathan somehow wants him to confess to something that he hasn't done. So finally he shuffles down next to his brother on the steps and says:

"How come you're always defending Brooke, Nate? I know that there are things in this that we are both to blame for… but seriously? How would you have felt if you were me? It's not like it was just some little white lie. She lied about _our__child_. I don't know if I can forgive her for that…"

Nathan looks at him now. Eyes the exact same color as his own.

"I don't know how I would've felt in your shoes, man. I'm just wondering how she _feels_, you know? She's been through so much these past 18 months, and I know that you've had a rough time too. But at least you had Lindsey… Brooke was just alone with the guilt."

Rolling his eyes she mutters "Yeah right… she dated half of fucking Manhattan."

Nathan raises his eyebrow in response and mumbles; "Are you stupid?"

Then he tells him a story.

_Nathan watched his brunette childhood friend sip her wine and smile towards the guy next to her. A small smile though, not the dimpled one from before, and he realized that she had changed so much. _

_There was a big difference between the Brooke that stood beside him now and the one he had known before the accident. Not in her looks, because if it was even possible, then Brooke was actually even more pretty now then she had been in high school. And not in her level of energy either, because she could never have done what she had with her company in the last six months if she wasn't still the energizer bunny she had always been._

_But her eyes were different. And her heart…_

_What he had first thought was just a depression during her rehabilitation seemed to be a lasting personality change. Haley had said something about it when they last visited Brooke in New York, said that she hadn't seen the famous dimples in months, but he had shrugged it away, thinking that it would get better with time._

_Now he stood in an uptown club, deep in the VIP-section, and watched Brooke 'do the rounds'. Mingle, smile and promote. Work. And he wasn't so sure anymore, because it was now more than apparent that something was still missing._

_He had ditched his teammates after the game in favor for Brooke and Rachel, and gone to meet the girls at a trendy water-hole for the rich and shameless. Apparently they were to attend a celebrity-party later, some movie premiere, and usually he kept away from shit like that. But he had promised Haley to make sure that Brooke was okay, because according to his wife, she had sounded different lately over the phone._

_And tonight he was prone to agree. Usually when he had seen Brooke during the last six months it had been just the two of them, sometimes with the addition of Rachel, and time was mostly spent in the gym, or with a casual dinner at the girls New York-loft. And there, Brooke seemed almost as usual, just a little less bouncy and giggly. But more okay._

_He watched the guy next to Brooke wrap his arm around her waist and place a kiss on top of her head. Nicholas de Bruin, Ralph Lauren's favorite model and the paparazzi's it-guy for the week. She had dated him for a month now, and according to the media "they were in love." _

_Bullshit._

_Brooke had been avoiding the dude all night, and maybe he wasn't the person that knew Brooke the best, maybe not even close. She had Rachel for that, and his wife of course. But he knew one thing; When Brooke Davis was in love, she went all in. She _loved_, she didn't _hide_. And most of all, she _smiled

_Nicholas de Bruin obviously didn't know this. He had never met the 'old' Brooke. And maybe the guy wasn't even aware that she was doing all she could to avoid him. Because Nicholas just smiled his big white-teethed smile and held on to the arm of the famous fashion designer, and Nathan couldn't do anything but watch and think that it was all very weird._

_Then finally the guy left to do a little mingling of his own and he could literally see Brooke exhale. So he took a step closer to her and lowered his voice, so that no one would catch his next phrase._

"_Why would you date a guy that you're obviously not in love with?"_

_To say that Brooke was drunk would be exaggerating, but she'd had a couple of drinks, and maybe it was the alcohol that loosened her tongue._

"_Because the guy I _am_ in love with didn't know what he wanted…"_

_Once the words had left Brooke's mouth, she looked stunned, as if she had uttered the sentence against her own will. And he realized that this was the closest she had come since high school, to admitting that she still loved his brother._

_Not one to back down, he touched her arm to make her face him, and said; "If you're still in love with Lucas, then why did you push him away Brooke? Even as just a friend, he would have done anything for you."_

_She instantly diverted her eyes form his._

"_Don't talk about him."_

"_Brookie… Seriously. He never…"_

_The sentence got cut in half because Brooke's small hand covered his mouth, and the look on her face was half angry, half desperate._

"_No Nate! If you want to be my friend, then don't ever mention this again. I mean it."_

"_But I…"_

"_No. Please?"_

_Desperation took over, and the anger in her eyes got replaced with sadness. "Just please don't Nathan… Not now…"_

"_Then when Brooke? When it's all too late to fix it?"_

_And that's when she left. Turned and walked away from the bar towards the ladies room as if she hadn't even heard him, but the expression on her face had already answered his question. She thought that 'too late' had already come and passed._

_That was why he was so surprised when he overheard Brooke an hour later when she was talking to the reporters. They were all entering the red carpet and as usual Brooke got swamped right away. _

_He answered a few questions of his own. About the game and about drafts for next season, but then one of the reporters that was talking to Brooke caught his attention. _

"_But don't you miss being young and free-spirited?" the reporter closest asked her. "Just being Brooke Davis, a 21 year old girl, instead of Brooke Davis, fashion designer and CEO of a multi-million dollar corporation?" _

"_Of course… but this; Clothes over Bros, it's always been my dream. I'm very happy that I've gotten to where I am today."_

_He looked over and saw that Brooke smiled proudly when saying this, but still, the reporter's question seemed to be getting to her. Especially when he added; "Well you should be. Not many girls have their own fashion line. And I heard that you almost died nine months ago… A car-accident, right? How did you manage to…"_

_In less than a second Rachel was at Brooke side, smiling widely and linking her arm through the brunette's._

"_That's all folks! If you have more questions, book an interview. Brooke needs to head into the party." _

_He watched Rachel take over and cover up the faltering smile on Brooke's face, and just as he was about to take Brooke from the redhead and escort her into the party, another reporter stepped forward._

"_One last question, Brooke. What are you doing with Nathan Scott? Aren't you dating Nicholas de Bruin? We thought you two were in love?"_

_Rachel pushed Brooke his way, in towards the entrance, but before he could wrap his arm around her, Brooke turned back towards the reporters._

"_Nathan Scott is my friend… We've known each other since we were kids. And as for the 'in love'-part… I've only been in love with one boy."_

_She smiled sadly and as she walked passed him, and he followed her in through the entrance, he could still hear the crowd of reporters shouting "Who? What's his name, Brooke? Is it Nicholas? Who is he?"_

_And as for Brooke? _

_Well, Nathan had never seen her get as drunk as she did that night._

There's a long silence, once again filled merely with the sounds of crickets, and Lucas looks at his brother with big eyes, feeling slightly uneasy.

"What are you saying Nate? You're saying that you've known that she still loved me for almost a year and you didn't say anything?"

Nathan shrugs and pulls a hand through his dark hair.

"Yeah… pretty much. I mean, you banned her name. You left her in New York and you never explained why. Remember that neither me nor Haley knew that you guys had slept together… Plus, you met Lindsey, and you seemed to really like her. I actually thought that you didn't care about Brooke."

"Okay…" he answers silently, "but none of this gives her the right to lie to me."

"No, but I have a pretty smart wife, right? And she said something last night that really makes sense… at least to me."

"What?"

"She said that the thought of her not loving you was what made you leave New York. But the reason for your drinking all those months was mostly that you knew that you could have fought harder… and that you might have been wrong…"

"But I…"

"No, wait. The same thing goes for Brooke, can't you see that? She had her reasons for doing what she did. And the ironic thing is that those reasons are exactly the same ones that you're using. She pushed you away because she thought you didn't love her. And if you two could just…"

Like a child he covers his ears. He doesn't want to hear more of this. Rachel had been down this road too, telling him that Brooke thought that he had just played with her heart. But to him it seems like a fucking impossibility when almost two years of his life has been spent loving the brunette so much that he literally had to close his feelings off completely.

"I'm done talking," he says and stands up. "I'm going home."

And then he leaves, without going back inside to say goodbye, and as he walks across the lawn he can hear Nathan clearly.

"I think you're a coward Luke… I think you're using this as a reason not to love Brooke, just because you're scared. And it's your life… Just know that I think it's a bullshit move."

The phrases echo's in his head all the way down to the gate, but he doesn't turn around or answer, he just keeps walking.

…_then she can see what he's been dying to say  
but things don't always turn out that way  
_

-

Brooke is up next and she fiddles with the pink bracelets on her wrist. The music is pumping out in the huge room and all the spotlights make the temperature much higher than normal. This is her fourth 'run'. The one that bothers her the most. Because this time her midsection is completely bare and the scar on the left side of her abdomen is visible.

She had tried to argue that it would be better if she didn't do this run, but Zarah, the 'head of runway', hadn't paid any attention to her efforts. The 'Pink' label of Victoria's Secret had always been her specialty, both when she used to design for them and when she did their runway shows. And Zarah had simply said that everybody in the audience already knew about her accident, so she should just see this as free PR for herself.

But she doesn't want that. It feels as if this piece of her private life is one that she wants to keep to herself, yet she's now wearing extreme low rider boy briefs and bra in hot pink, and feeling very naked.

"Five seconds, Brooke…"

Claudio appears on her left side and she closes her eyes as he does a quick touch up on her face. Then a hand nudges her lower back and she's off.

Hand on her hip and chin held high she struts down the long runway. Looks to the right to smile for the celebrities and industry-people, then to the left for the press.

Smiles.

Breathes.

Aches.

At the end of the runway she stops to pose and she meets Rachel's eyes in the audience. She wants to cry. She wants to just yell out that it's enough now and that she can't take anymore, but the redhead gives her a reassuring nod.

She knows what it means.

_You're doing good. You can do this. Just a few more minutes…_

She flashes a bright flirty smile towards the TV cameras, efficiently covering her breaking heart and tired soul, and then she turns with a sexy sway of the hip. Looks back and offers a playful wink.

She keeps telling herself that she doesn't have to worry. There's no way that Lucas is watching this. Haley would, and probably Peyton. Maybe even Nathan and James. But if Lucas is watching, then he's probably throwing stuff at the TV-screen.

She struggles to keep her walk bouncy and full of poise, does the required double-take before exiting, and once she's out of sight for cameras and audience, she slumps and covers her face.

It takes exactly two seconds before she hears Claudio's voice.

"Hell no, Brooke Davis! Don't you fucking dare start crying… God, where is Rachel?!"

--

_And he must confess  
All the impure thoughts of his beautiful temptress…  
_

Lucas keeps staring at the screen, eyes fixed on the brunette girl that has just entered the cat-walk. The one in the pink set of underwear. And he can't seem to catch his breath.

He hadn't been able to keep away from the TV when he got home and now, thirty minutes after walking into the living room, he's watching her strut down the catwalk for the third time.

He has seen Brooke model before. Peyton had forced him to watch her in plenty of runway-shows their first year of college, and he remembers admiring her somewhat guilty, but its different now.

She smiles straight at him, and even though he knows that it's not towards him in particular, it still feels weird. The camera zooms out again and he notices the scar. It's a just a faint light-pink line on her abdomen by now and he wonders…

If wounds could heal like that, then why couldn't a heart?

She disappears behind the curtains again, and even though a blond girl replaces Brooke, he keeps his eyes on the screen. Then he takes out his cell phone and sends her a text-message.

_You still look amazing…_

Nothing more, nothing less.

He doesn't want to talk to her, but he can at least give her that.

…_although he keeps it all bottled up inside  
although he keeps it all safe within his mind_

--

It's been the longest day.

Brooke sighs exhaustedly and pulls off her high heals before pulling her hair up in a messy ponytail. Rachel is backstage now and she silently gathers Brooke's things.

"You wanna shower here or just go home?" she asks her brunette friend and Brooke sighs again.

"Just go home… I feel like I'm gonna pass out right here on the floor."

"Don't. You're too fat. I wouldn't be able to carry you to the car."

At this Brooke actually smiles a little and even tough it's the faintest rising of the corners of her lips, it feels good that Brooke still has the ability to smile. She doesn't think she'd be able to if she was the one in Brooke's shoes.

"You did pretty good though" she ads to lighten the mood even more. "I mean, for an old skank like you, you were almost decent looking… And did you see Nicholas face? I swear he was about to die when you flaunted that cleavage in the negligee."

Brooke smiles again, and Rachel has to bite her tongue not to say 'I bet Lucas watched the show…' It wouldn't be a good idea to bring up the blond boy's name when Brooke looks like she wants to just curl up and die. On the other hand it probably wouldn't make a difference. She bets that Lucas is all Brooke thinks about anyway.

"I didn't even see Nick…" Brooke mumbles in a disinterested voice and kind of zones out, but then she looks up and frowns. "And shut up about my walk if you know what's good for you, princess _Bitchy_. I know you want to tell me I screwed up the second run, but I was _on_ beat! Maria was off, not me."

The classic Davis-pout is surfacing and she laughs. Time to go, she thinks and pulls the bag up on her shoulder before reaching out for Brooke's hand. They could head out the backdoor, duck the photographers and the usual 'mingle' and maybe pick up take-away on the way home.

"Whatever, you nerd. Let's just get going shall we? Us ordinary people need sleep you know."

The second she says it, she regrets it. Especially when Brooke silently mumbles:

"I do too Rach…"

She knows that Brooke does.

It's been a weird week she thinks when they are safely in the limo ten minutes later. In the corner of her eye she watches her brunette friend leaning her head against the side-window while playing with her cell-phone, and she knows that she's probably sending another text to Lucas. She's been trying to get him to talk to her ever since the night at Blue Post.

As the car pulls out from the curve she realizes that it's already been almost a week since they left Tree Hill. Brooke had been furious when they left, practically kicking and screaming when she told her that they had to leave for the airport, and Owen had pretty much shoved Brooke into the car. She calmed down on the plane, especially after Philip joined them at JFK. And with the last couple of days she had grown more and more silent.

It's almost as if Brooke has finally given up, and she told that to Haley when she called today while Brooke was preparing for the fashion-show. Haley was worried as well and she had really pulled through for Brooke. More than Rachel would have expected of the old tutor-girl. But Haley had also been almost as shocked as Lucas and she totally understands her, because from what Owen has told her so far, Brooke seemed to have held up a pretty decent façade during the two months away.

"Is he still not answering?" she asks and Brooke looks up a little startled, as if caught doing something she shouldn't.

"No… or well…"

Brooke fumbles with the phone a little and she instantly gets curious and leans in.

"What? Did or did he not answer?"

The display of the phone is visible and it shows a text-message from Lucas, sent earlier in the evening. One sentence only, and not signed with anything.

_You still look amazing…_

"I don't really know what to make of it…" Brooke mumbles and puts the phone away before resuming her earlier position of looking out the window. And it saddens her to see the confusion on the brunette's face. Why couldn't Lucas stop toying with her?

"Stupid horny boy… " she mutters, and in the corner of her eye she can see Brooke smile tiredly, probably thinking back to not so PG13 memories.

"Well, Haley called before" she continues when Brooke doesn't seem to listen. "She said that maybe you shouldn't take it so personally, B. Lucas isn't really talking to anyone… it's not just _your_ calls… and at least this message shows he's thinking of you, right?"

Of course, the thing about Lucas retracting wasn't the only thing Haley said. She also said that Lucas was drinking too much and spent most of the time in bars. And for some reason she isn't that surprised that Lucas sent that message, since the time indicates that he did it in the middle of the show and she had known that he'd watch it. And Brooke truly _had_ looked amazing up on that catwalk, but it isn't fair of him to tell her that when he hasn't answered one of her calls in six days.

So she points out to Brooke that Lucas keeps away from everyone like this just to make her feel better. Sadly her brunette friend doesn't even take her eyes off the passing cars. She just mumbles;

"You gotta love Tudor-mom… she always means well… But it _is_ my calls he's avoiding, Rach. I was wrong. She knows that too… I just don't know what to make of this message…"

The car keeps crossing Manhattan and it's weird because Rachel actually agrees. Not about Brooke being wrong, but about the message being strange and about Haley meaning well. Haley annoyed the hell out of her all throughout high school but the truth is that she always did mean well.

She always does.

-

_She's all that he wants, she's all that he needs  
She's everything he just won't believe  
Take away his doubt, turn him inside out…  
_

The Victoria's Secret-show has been over for thirty minutes when Lucas hears his front door open and close. Inwardly he sighs because he knows that one out of three people will walk through the living-room door within the next minute. Haley, Nathan or Peyton, and by the sound of the shoes he guesses that it's the first alternative.

"Go home Haley" he says loudly even before he's sure, and when his brown haired childhood best friend comes into view he knows he guessed right.

What he didn't guess though is her first question.

"Are you drunk?"

Not 'Hi', or 'Are you alright?' or even 'Why the hell did you leave without saying goodbye to me and Jamie?' Instead she just stands there with her arms crossed over her chest and looks at the half-full bottle of whiskey and the glass standing on the table in front of him. Then she says those three words.

He shakes his head and meets her brown eyes, but he says nothing.

"Good. Because as I see it, you have two choices. Either you pour that bottle out in the sink or I'll call Nathan and he'll force you. Just like last time Luke… I've had enough of this and it ends here."

His childhood friend's voice is calm. Strangely calm. And he rolls his eyes before closing them.

"Hales…"

She just watches him and he gets flashbacks from other nights like this. Nights when Haley shed disappointed tears and he himself told her to back the hell off. But tonight she stays firm.

"No really. I'm not playing Luke. Pour it out."

Sighing he pats on the couch next to him and Haley patiently sits down. He wants to ask her why this is all so damn hard and why he can't seem to hate the dimpled brunette on the TV-screen as much as he wants to, but when it comes down to forming the words, he chickens out.

"Don't yell Hales…" he mumbles instead. "Not tonight, okay? Even without watching the damn show, talking to Nate was enough, believe me…"

It's obvious that she is a little sidetracked by his comment and she touches his cheek in the same way she does with James when his little nephew seems sad or distraught.

"Don't you miss her?" she asks softly. "Wouldn't it be easier to heal from all this _with_ Brooke instead of the way you're acting now… shutting her out and getting yourself drunk…"

He flinches away from her hand.

"Shutting HER out? Didn't you hear what she said Haley? SHE shut me out because of some stupid thing she thought she heard. This isn't MY fault!"

"I don't think you understand…"

Haley sighs now. Stands up again and paces around the couch.

"Yours and Brooke's entire history are filled with two things. Your fuck-ups, Luke, and her insecurities. You changed your mind about what you wanted so many times that any girl would give up. And I told you that night in the hospital, remember? With all your running back and forth between her and Peyton… You should be glad that Brooke didn't marry that Nicholas or some other guy along the way."

Her words cut like knives into him. And for some reason it makes him furious at the same time.

"I don't give a damn! Let her marry who the fuck she wants. She _lied_ to me and I never want to talk to her again, alright!?"

For the first time tonight, Haley actually looks really angry but what the hell does she want from him? What she says is ridiculous. Brooke's actions had no logic and he has no reason to feel any guilt. Right?

If nothing then Haley's silence should tell him.

"Are you serious Haley? Are you trying to tell me that you agree with Rachel? That it was my fault that it ended up this way, huh? Don't tell me that you actually think all this was my doing?"

"You know what, Luke? I'm really tired of listening to this over and over. You're hurt, I get it! But do you wanna know what I think? The only part that you need to concentrate on is that you still love her and I _know_ that you do. The rest can be sorted out between the two of you, alright? No bottle of whiskey or tequila will answer why she lied, just like it wouldn't answer why she asked you to leave in New York. Now give it to me. If you won't throw it away, I will."

He doesn't look at her, but he gives the half empty Jim Beam a push in Haley's direction. Actually he hasn't even been drinking from it tonight. Something about seeing Brooke's faded scar made him feel disgusted at the mere thought of getting drunk. And he tells her that.

"I didn't touch it, Hales. I haven't had a drop since last night. And I don't plan on drinking tonight because I'm not going to be hung over on James' birthday."

She grabs the bottle and looks at him as if she wants to believe him. She disappears for a moment and he can hear the sound as she pours the fluid into the kitchen sink.

"Seriously Haley" he says in a louder voice so that it'll carry into the other room. "This isn't like last time… I won't let it become that bad. I just needed a crutch these last days, and maybe drinking wasn't the way to go, but I just didn't know what to do…"

She comes back into the room and smiles sadly at him. Disappointment mixed with worry and sadness.

"I can't believe you never told me about you and Brooke…" she mumbles." It would have made it a whole lot easier to understand it all if you had… Both of you are my best friends and neither of you said a word…"

"Don't blame me for _her_ lies, Hales… If she hadn't lied about the baby it would never have turned out like this. I wouldn't have left her and she…"

"And she what? She would have done _what,_ Lucas?"

Haley's last question is spoken in a harsher tone and he leans his head in his hands.

"I don't know, okay!?"

Finally Haley sits down next to him again and wraps an arm around his shoulders. She rests her head against him and for some reason he's reminded of when they were teenagers and it was still just them against the world. Before he joined the team and before Haley married Nathan. Back when she still wore that ugly green knitted hat.

"For the last time Lucas Scott…" she says softly, "you _need_ to let the lie go… and if you were planning on yelling at Brooke at the party, then don't even go near her. She's been through enough and tomorrow is supposed to be a happy day. I don't want you fighting with her, do you hear me Luke?"

He nods. Swallows the hard words that he wants to spit back in her face because he knows that she's right. Tomorrow is Jamie's day. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't still hurt to have Haley so blatantly take Brooke's side, so he also moves away from her. And as if she can read his thoughts, she leans in and places a sisterly kiss on his forehead.

"I love you, okay?" she whispers. "And I'm not siding with Brooke or saying that she was right to lie about the baby. But you need to cut her some slack, hun. For both of your sakes. She'll be back tomorrow, you know…"

Then she stands up straight again and grabs her purse from the coffee-table. Sighs and leaves him alone.

Two minutes later he hears the sound of her car backing out of the driveway and he sinks back into the couch. How come nowadays he feels worse when Haley comforts him than when she doesn't?

_Then she can see what he's been dying to say  
but things don't always turn out that way  
_

--

"I need to go back tomorrow, Rach…"

They're almost home when Brooke finally talks and she has almost forgotten that the brunette is in the car with her.

"Do you really think that's wise?" she answers, "Lucas will be there. I don't know if you remember but he was kind of pissed… Maybe you should give him a little space? A little _more_ space…"

She really doesn't have to say more before the guilt creeps up on her again. This is all her fault.

Brooke isn't yelling at her anymore for spilling her life's biggest secret, on the contrary she has outspokenly forgiven her for that. The day after they came back she even said it might have been for the best. But she still feels so bad. She still knows. She never meant to do it and because of that one slip-up, Brooke's in worse shape now than ever.

"I know that he might need space" the brunette sighs with her head leant against the window. "But what's the expression? You make the bed and then you lay in it? I promised Jamie and his birthday-party is tomorrow. I'm not gonna disappoint him too…"

"Disappoint him? Come on Brooke, you need to stop blaming yourself. Lucas never once contacted you. Eighteen months and not _ONE_ call. Seriously, how where you supposed to know? He's not been known to be the most decisive guy in the past… I mean no wonder you misunderstood, right?"

There's a pause. A silence that seems to go on for minutes. Then Brooke silently mumbles;

"Not entirely true…"

"What do you mean?"

"Well… there's this letter…"

Brooke reaches into her big Burberry Hobo handbag and takes out a battered envelope. She extracts the folded paper inside and bites her bottom lip in the typical way she always does when nervous.

"…I found it the day we got home… It seems to have been lost in the mail for a while…"

For a second she seems to contemplate reading it out loud, but the slight trembling of her bottom lip seem to stop her and she hands it over instead.

"Read it… You'll understand" she mumbles before she exits the limo and walks into the building.

Rachel watches her go and then looks down at the letter in her hands. And letting out a deep sigh, she starts reading…

_Brooke,_

_If you're reading this, then maybe we'll be fine…_

_Maybe you will finally understand and you'll come find me. But most likely I'm just pouring my heart out on a white piece of paper. Most likely I'm just writing one of those letters that never gets read._

_I love you Brooke. But that thing you said to me in high school, that thing about love; it was all a lie. People that are meant to be together don't always find each other in the end. Sometimes they stray so fucking far apart that it seems like love is the universe's cruellest joke. And sometimes it just hurts too bad to keep trying._

_I guess that's what happened to us. We drifted apart and got tired of hurting, and now we just can't seem to find our way back. Either I hurt you beyond mending when we were together in high school, and because of that you'll never fully trust me. Or maybe you just never really loved me. I guess I'll never know… _

_What I do know is that I would have given everything for you to change your mind when you told me to leave the hospital two weeks ago. I would have traded anything for you to say my name and ask me to come back, because there are so many things I want to tell you. _

_And it's funny really, how the world turns and things keep getting thrown back in your face. I understand now how you must have felt that night when we broke up in senior year and you said that you'd always love me but that you couldn't do it anymore. How you must have felt when I answered with nothing. If you felt anything near what I did in that hospital room, then there are not even words for how sorry I am. All I can say is that now more then ever, I wish I would have said something. Anything._

_I saw this house the other day. A brownstone, complete with one of those old iron fences that you talked about. It looked like a house you'd love. One that you could call home. And I know it doesn't matter anymore but I wanted to buy it and live there. With you._

_I wish you hadn't lost the baby, Brooke. Even though it was never mine. I would have loved him or her the same as if it was my child. I can't stop thinking about those two boys and that little girl we talked about that night in the carriage. And I keep thinking that I want that so bad. I want you, the kids, the house and the dog. I want the lazy Sundays and the sound of your raspy voice in the morning. I want the sound of pyjama-clad feet running into our bedroom and our bed full of unruly children, all while I'm still tired and still have the scent of you on my skin. _

_Most of all I want a chance to tell you all of this in person. _

_But I blew that chance. Or maybe fate, and the accident, blew it for me… I don't know._

_I'm leaving New York. It would be too painful to live here now. To walk the streets here and worry about bumping into you. But in case you want to reach me, no matter how tiny that chance is, I'll be going back to Tree Hill and you can always reach me through my mom. _

_It's weird to say goodbye to you in a letter that might not even get read. I guess that if you do read this, then you cared enough to try and find me. It just feels to me as if a story as complicated as ours deserves a more dignified end. One with blazing fire and screams and tears. Or a timeless one, one that would someday be made into a movie just because of its beauty. _

_But no matter what, I love you and I always will._

_What ever happens, I'll never stop. And if I see you again and you think there's a chance for us, then remind me. Just tell that you want the two boys and the little girl, and I swear I'll be yours. I won't beg again but if need me, I'll be there. I'll catch you if you fall._

_/Lucas_

Rachel stares at the pages. Swallows and starts over. Reads it all again.

What the hell was this? A letter from Lucas to Brooke? When had he sent it?

She looks for a date and after reading the letter a second time, Rachel silently grabs her things and follows Brooke into the apartment-building. This whole fucking mess is so much worse than she has thought. So many things have gone wrong on the way that it almost seems like someone is playing a game and doing all this on purpose.

So why the hell is her best friend still not crying?

"Jesus…" she mutters, while dumping her stuff in the hallway next to Brooke's bags. "When the hell will life return to normal? Huh?"

Probably not in the next couple of days, because she realizes that tomorrow will mean a trip back to Tree Hill, and then Jamie's birthday and the inevitable and probably explosive reunion of Brooke and Lucas.

She can hear Brooke turn on the shower in the bathroom and she heads out in the kitchen and pulls out the drawer containing all the take-out menus. After ordering half the Chinese restaurant on the corner of 68th street and Lexington, she heads towards the cupboard where they keep the liquor, and when the sound of running water finally stops, she yells;

"Fat ass! I'm getting a drink. Do you want one?"

Do you want a hug? A good cry? Another baby? _What do you need?_

She's ready to offer anything, just to make everything better and not have her friend suffer through another night of nightmares ending in screaming and pain and hours of sitting on a chair on the balcony, staring at nothing.

Brooke yells back "Sure" from the bathroom, and then she ads; "Make mine a double. Or just make me two…"

She can't help but laugh. Brooke might be broken, she might be sad and sometimes too headstrong, but the girl is still seriously crazy. Always have been.

"I'd make you five if I thought that it would help" she mutters and starts pouring Grey Goose into a couple of glasses. "But you and I both know what you really need… You need a broody, stupid boy… And I can obviously not help you with that."

-

_So wipe that smile off your face  
Before it gets too late  
There's only so much time  
For you to make up your mind…_

It's after midnight.

He can't sleep but at least he's tucked in bed and still painfully sober. The cracks in the ceiling keeps playing tricks with his mind, taking the shape of things he wants to forget, and he closes his eyes for the millionth time.

And then his cell phone beeps, signaling an incoming message.

He opens his eyes again and reaches for the phone on the nightstand. One look tells him it's from Brooke and his first impulse is to erase it without reading it, just like he's done with the other texts that she's sent him this week. But something makes him open it instead.

_"So you're talking to me now? And from all the things to say you say I look amazing? Why would you say that if you hate me? Why even message me saying that if you couldn't answer all the other messages? I just don't understand…"_

He erases it and shuts the phone off, making sure that he won't answer and continue this 'conversation'. He doesn't even know himself what made him send the text-message before. Probably it had been the combination of his talk with Nathan and the sight of her half-naked, smiling and looking carefree and beautiful like that. And then the scars…

He sighs and rubs his eyes. Growls silently at all the thoughts that are currently at war inside his head, and at Haley and Nathan for making him doubt his decisions.

"I don't hate you Brooke" he mumbles. "I could never _hate_ you…"

As he turns to face the wall and pulls the sheet around him, he already knows he won't sleep tonight. Not without getting drunk, and he won't drink because Haley is right.

He needs to stop looking for answers inside a bottle.

He really needs to pull himself together.

---

* * *

**Author's note**: That's it for now. And I'm pleased to tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel of all this yelling and fighting. :D You guys are all amazing for being so patient, but I guess most of you are used to the way I write by now LOL. I believe in a certain amount of realism, and sometimes it takes time to get people to forgive each other.

I'm stunned at the response this story is getting though. The length of the reviews you guys send me is no less then incredible.

Oh, maybe this is unnecessary information, but when Lucas watches Brooke walks out on the catwalk she walks to the beginning of the song 'Chick Fit' by All Saints. (If you want to 'see' it more clearly).

**Thank You's**:

Ellie: I'm so proud of you for finishing you deadline. And thank you immensely for always keeping my spirits up. You're too good to me. Always.

And Emma: The same goes for you sweetie. You take the time to help me even when you are swamped with school and practice. I love you.

Daniel (FloatingDownARiver): Baby, you did it again! You wrote me a review that should go into the books as one of the longest ever written. I LOVE YOU! It's amazing how you pick up even the smallest of things; even little details that I was sure would go unnoticed… You are truly amazing. And I'm so happy that I didn't disappoint you with the revealing of the baby being Lucas'. The pointers you gave me before really were helpful and I hope you'll let me ask you questions like that in the future as well. That's what I love most about your reviews; the way you analyze the plot and dialogue so thoroughly that you make me think of parallels that I haven't even thought about myself. As I said, I love you baby… and remember that the internship will be over soon and I'll keep my fingers crossed that it'll get better. A new PM awaits… ;) Kisses & Hugs.

Cami (B. Davis): Baby, I didn't mean to forget you last chapter, but I made review-responses and you hadn't reviewed so you kind of fell between and I'm sorry. It won't happen again :D Thanks for reading through this chapter for me, hun. I was seriously going mental and your pointers were very creative. You're always honest and you always seem to be able to give me the kick in the butt that I need. And HUGE thanks for finding me the song! Everybody might not get how well it fits, but to me it's just perfect. Luv you!

Britt: My Brittany… I can't wait until I come across you on msn ;D I really do miss you, sweet-pea. And that review of yours! OMG, are you trying to spoil me? I think you are because that was amazing. I'm sorry that I'm running you out of ink but you know me, short chapters are just not my thing. What you said about Lucas thinking that his relationship with Brooke will be as dangerous as the one with the liquor makes loads of sense. He's scared shitless and I think we both understand why.  
The huge hug you promised me, can I have it even though I feel better? LOL. Oh, and Britt; THANK YOU for the song. Would it be okay for you if I use it for this story? I downloaded it and I'm in love with it. Please? Lots of hugs for you sweetie.

Bri (Tripnfallbri): Another amazing review! Wow… they're all just so wonderful that I feel like blushing. And I know that BL are kind of frustrating right now, but the real turning-point is around the corner and after that (either way it goes) things will change. I actually feel bad for Lucas, even though I'm the one making him go through this, and I might seem as if I'm trying to paint him out as the bad guy, but I'm really not. I love your feed-back Bri. Thank you.

Chelsea (brucaschopia4evr): Chels, baby! What a wonderful review! With support like the one you're giving me writing is easy, believe me. I'm sad to hear that you were sick, and I'm telling you; the first 10 days I didn't write a single word. I just slept. But the last week and a half it's slowly gotten better, and I've had a lot of couch-time were I could plot the rest of this story ;) And with reviews like the ones I'm getting from you guys lately, updating will come regularly again. I mean it, this story wouldn't be here if it weren't for readers like you. Luv u.

Jules (JULESM24): You are so right my friend… we talk way to seldom nowadays. I have to get better with coming on the board and onto msn. Because I miss you too sweetie. I miss our CS-talks. And how I'd love to replace Mark! I think that with the help of you girls and some of the talented BL-writers on this site, we could totally rebuild s5, even with the destruction he's created so far… I really have to talk to you soon so we can plan this! ;D I love you girl, and I'm very grateful for your wonderful reviews.

Ebony (jc4127): I'm sorry for almost making you cry and for serving you this filler-chapter when you were expecting drama sweetie. But next chap is the breaking-point. And that has some drama for you LOL. I love the song too. When it first came out I played it over and over, and now with the timbaland-remix I listen to it again. I just felt it fitted so well with BL in this chapter. Thanks for being so supportive hun. Lots of hugs.

Coffee.With.Cinnamon: Why would you say sorry for such and amazing review?! Sure, it's the intent that matters but that review was awesome. Lets make a pact. I wont apologize for my lengthy chapters if you stop apologizing for your wonderful reviews, deal?  
LOL. I really laughed at your comment "juvenile and frustrating as hell…" I think those words summarize BL to perfection at the moment. And although Rachel is one of my favorite characters on the show, I must agree with you. Her voice can be somewhat annoying.  
I guess now you know why I couldn't have Haley following Lucas in the last chapter. I was saving her so that she could try to talk some sense into him in this one. Maybe her little hints wasn't the big pointers you were after, but it's a start, right? LOL.  
Once again, I love your reviews. So keep them coming :D

Ella (EllaBella18): I am definitely NOT trying to kill you hun. LOL. I want to keep you as a reader. But I'm very happy to hear that my writing moves you. I love Rachel too, and sometimes I might be giving her too much room in my stories but I just miss her so much on the real show. Brooke is not the same this season without her sidekick. GBTRD-update will be up soon. Thank you for sticking with this.

Shaz (awhero): You are way too nice to me! LOL. There's no way that anything I ever write can top the greatest BL scenes on the show. But I love you for saying it :D  
I'm so happy that I could light up your day with my chapter but I do sense a challenge here. Now I have to write something that tops the hotel-scene in your book. Something that grabs you even more… hmm… I'm starting right now. Thanks for the awesome review, hun.

Denise: My sweet, I know exactly how you feel… OTH is destroyed. But I'm glad that you're still around and I hope to see you at least once in a while on msn. Maybe I can get you to like Gossip Girl's Blair and Chuck? They are my new love. :D  
Anyways, I miss you dude. And I'm grateful for your support.

Janie: Sweetie! I haven't talked to you in ages and ages. LOL and it seems like my story is giving you the famous 'I don't know who to feel bad for'-syndrome. The funny part is that I feel the same way and I'm the one writing this LOL. Nathan just can't keep out of it, can he? Well, it's getting close now ;) Thanks for your review hun.

Yana (Yaba): Welcome to my story:D I'm sorry for ruining future reading for you LOL but I'm mighty glad to hear that you like this. And even though I'm a little frightened of the fact that you compared Rachel to Peyton, I actually understand what you mean ;) I hope you liked this new chapter as well and thank you.

Isa (zazou21): Hun, you never have to say sorry for writing me long reviews because I LOVE long ones. And there is nothing wrong with your English. Being a non-native English speaker myself I know how hard it can be at times not to directly translate what one wants to say, but you seem to have no problem with that. I'm glad you like Rachel and we haven't seen the last of the 'hidden' relationship with Owen. Also, you were right about the fact that Brooke went back to New York. And what will happen when they see each other next? LOL Thanks for your review hun. I really appreciate them.

Shadybaby27: I'm glad to hear that my story is evoking emotion. I'll really try not to disappoint. Thanks so much for your review.

SassySuzy84: Thanks for that lovely review, girl. I haven't really been visiting FF that much lately. Hardly not at all since season 5 started because the mess Mark is making drives me crazy. But I'll be back shortly LOL. I can't stay away for long. So I'll see you there.

Daisygirl24: Hun, if I could convince Mark that Brucas is better than Leyton then we'd all be happy campers. But sadly I can't do more than write my take on s5… I hope that's enough. LOL. Thank you for the review.

Whitney (whiters): Of course I make personal thank you's. If it weren't for the reviews you guys send me then this story wouldn't exist. Your feedback is what drives me to keep the plot going. Isn't Rachel lovely? I miss her so much on the show. Her little slip-up makes way for the real breaking-point, which is coming up sooner than you think. And see, I didn't wait forever with the update, right? This didn't even take a week. I'll try and put the next one up just as quickly, just for you ;)

SBF: See? I gave it to you quick as lightning. :D I hope you liked this chapter even though it weren't as drama-packed. Thank you for your review hun.

Chebelle: LOL, did I make you all upset at them? BL can be so frustrating but isn't that why we love them? I know you said that you want the drama to end and we'll see a change in the next chapter. I loved your review. Thanks.

Greekcat92: It's weird how pneumonia has been so common lately since it's not infectious… LOL Anyhow, I'm better and I'm updating so I hope that you'll like this chapter as well. And of course I'll mention you here since you keep sending me such lovely reviews. Thank you so much hun.

OTHbrucas4ever: I'm sorry for making you cry sweetie. But I guess that in a way its nice to be swept away emotionally like that at times. And as an apologize I promise to give you some steamy BL later on. Okay:D Thank you for sticking with this story, hun.

BRUCAS123: God, I know EXACTLY how you feel and I laughed out loud when I realized that I'm making you crazy in the exact same way that Mark is making me crazy. Yes, Brooke needs to fight for Lucas… but then again, the reason they're in this mess is also because he screwed her over so many times. She might need to fight, but he needs to 'prove stuff'… what a mess I've made LOL. thanks for the review.

Jem (flipflopgal): Soon enough for you? Lol. this wasn't as long as the last one but that one was insanely long. I'm glad to see that you still like the story. Hugs.

BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE: thanks for the review, sweetie. You'll soon get to know whether or not BL works stuff out :D

Anjela (Brucasss): It's great that you love long chapters because I really can't write short ones LOL. Actually they just seem to get longer… But I'm glad you like my story. Thank you for your review.

Allie (othfan326): Wow! LOL that was a great review. I know I'm driving you all insane with my take on Brooke and Lucas and the way they keep misunderstanding each other. But we're up for a big turning-point soon. I loved your idea about Brooke going to Lucas' house but I had already painted myself into a corner since our favorite brunette had to be on a certain Victoria's Secret runway. Thank you so much.

Brucas True Love: Too much yelling, huh? LOL Well there wasn't any yelling at all in this chapter. Thanks for the review.

Born.To.Die: I think you write perfectly amazing reviews! This review in particular :D Its such a compliment for me when you say that you can 'see' the drama unfold, and I glad you got to keep your pride LOL. Maybe I can make you cry in a later chapter? And I guess you still have unanswered questions, right? I won't abandon a story, especially not this one. But sometimes life makes updating hard. I'll try to keep them coming regularly. Oh, and that quote at the bottom of your review was so beautiful. Thank you for that.

Bella: Sorry to say that Lucas did shut down. But the birthday-party is coming up and since they're the godparents they will be forced to see each other there. Because lets face it, you're right. They do have a lot to talk about. Thank you for reviewing.

Broodyprettygirl: LOL, I want to smack them over the head too. But they will talk, all in good time. They both just needed to vent a little anger and sadness first. Thanks for your review, hun.

Sara (Brucas2006): I'm sorry I made you feel like crying. About the Brooke/Rachel-friendship – I guess you know by now that I love that a lot more then the other friendships on the show. I love BH and BN too but BR is my favorite, so of course I couldn't have Brooke be angry at Rachel for long. :D Victoria will be coming up later, we just need to clear some other stuff first… for example a certain blonde. Thanks for your review.

BrOoKe DaViS23: Welcome to the story :D I'm glad to hear that you like it.

Dolcegrazia: I'm really happy to hear that I'm pulling off the fighting-scenes because sometimes I think they just come out as a confusing mess. LOL. And I'm glad you liked the chapter. Thank you for reviewing.

Brucas3: thanks for the review. I promise that Brooke will get a chance to explain. ;D

Catcat51092,Brucas333,LiZ457,BRUCAS 2007,brookenlucas4eva03,kajol7: Huge thanks to all of you! You rock for leaving reviews.


	15. Waiting For Something

**Author's note**: Hi guys. One new chapter coming up just as ordered. The song for this chapter is 'Waiting' by Michael Tolcher. I hope you'll all enjoy.

* * *

**-  
CHAPTER 15 – Waiting For Something**  
-

_There's anger far behind the things  
that surface on your mind  
and bring your spirits down…_

-

"Nathan, have you seen Jamie's new white sneakers?"

Haley sticks her head out in the upper hallway and shouts again. "Naathan?"

Her dark-haired husband comes up the stairs and pulls her in for a quick kiss. Somewhere from the other side of the house she can hear James running around and there's the faint background noise of Sponge-Bob Squarepants. It's Saturday, it's her son's 4th birthday and there's only three hours left until guests arrive for the party.

"Stop stressing out so much, Hales" Nathan urges her softly. "He has three pairs of white sneakers down by the door. Grab a pair of those. He'll stain them within five minutes anyway."

She lets him hug her and smiles when she realizes that he's still holding the bag of balloons that she sent him to blow up. There's never any use trying to stress Nathan, he always does things in his own pace.

"Have you talked to Luke this morning?" she mumbles and picks at a stain on his t-shirt.

"Yeah, he called and said happy birthday to James right after breakfast. You were in the shower I think… He said he'd be here at three, just like the other guests."

"And Brooke?"

"She and Rachel landed safely. I called her cell just a few minutes ago and they'll be here any moment, Brooke said she wanted to help out with the preparations."

Jamie comes running from his room with a basketball in his arms and Nathan ruffles his spiky blonde hair.

"And she said she had a big gift for you, sport. A _big_ one."

"Auntie Brooke? Really? What is it daddy?"

Her son's eyes twinkle both by the mention of his godmother and the promised gift and her husband laughs, especially when Jamie jumps up and down.

"I don't know what she's bringing you. You'll just have to wait and see. Now, go get your shoes if you wanna play ball."

Sometimes when seeing her two favourite boys like this, her heart aches. She's lucky that they've made it this far, Nathan, herself and Jamie. If it hadn't been for Brooke and Lucas, she and Nathan wouldn't even have held their marriage together throughout high school, even less married a second time and had a kid.

Maybe that's why it hurts so much that Brooke and Lucas aren't even talking on a day like this. The blond and the brunette used to be the golden couple. The ones that showed everybody else what steamy teenage love was all about.

"You think she's worried about seeing Lucas?" she asks when Jamie disappears.

"Who? Brooke? Yeah, I bet she is… You know, I really miss those two together sometimes… Remember in high school when they dated? Not a calm minute..."

"How could anyone forget, Nathan. They were like freaking energizer-bunnies. And I lived with Brooke when they were at their worst… My _bed_ was in the same room…"

At this Nathan laughs out loud.

"Not exactly what I was talking about Hales, even though I know what you mean. Remember, I was the one that found them actually _doing it_ in the River Court Park. God, back then I swear she could've gotten him to do anything."

James comes running again and she lets go of her husband's waist so that he can go back to rumbling around outside with their son. But he kisses her again and she mumbles;

"She told me ones, right after we graduated, that she loved being Lucas' girl…"

"She still is."

"What do you mean, Nathan?"

He hoists their son into the air and spins him like an airplane. Then he gives her a kiss on the forehead, and with Jamie under one arm and the basketball under the other, he walks back down the stairs again heading for the big lawn out back while saying;

"Haley, who are we trying to kid, huh? Brooke will always be Luke's girl."

-

_Because of all that comes before the rise and fall  
It's easier to hold your ground  
Your steady ground_

Only one week away from Tree Hill and yet when Jamie runs towards her in the garden, Brooke thinks that he has actually grown since she last saw him. His little legs run faster than what should be possible and she laughs when he throws himself on her so hard that she almost falls.

"Hey birthday-boy! You miss me?"

"Yeah! I missed you loads! Daddy said you brought me a _big_ present. Where is it?"

He looks so happy, so innocent and so…

"Jeez Brooke… he looks exactly like Lucas…"

Rachel, who comes up behind them, sounds shocked. But the redhead is right and she actually read her mind. Jamie looks so happy, so innocent and so freaking much like Lucas that it's almost spooky.

"I_know_" she mouths in Rachel's direction before turning back to her godson. The sight of him cracks her heart open in her chest. Would her baby have looked like James? All blond and blue-eyed like Lucas? Or would it have resembled more of herself, with dark hair and dimples?

"I have your gift in the trunk, little man" she says and ruffles his hair. "Go get daddy and we'll get it out of there."

"Okay!"

James happily runs back towards the house and Rachel lets out a low whistle behind her.

"Shit Brooke… that's seriously spooky… Is Nathan sure there hasn't been like a dirty affair between his wife and brother?"

She stands back up and while heading around the huge car to pop the trunk she sends the redhead a death-glare.

"Eww Rach! That's like disgusting for real!"

Twenty minutes later James is already driving the new 12 volt kid-sized Hummer in the garden and she and Rachel are put to work on blowing up the balloons that Nathan still hasn't gotten around to. Haley is with them, hanging the finished balloons up on colored string, and they all watch Jamie having fun with his gift.

She's a little worried that Haley is angry, after all she had promised not to buy anything too extravagant, but it just looked like so much fun and if Rachel hadn't stopped her she would have gotten him a big life-sized cowboy forte and that would have been even more expensive.

"I wanted to buy him a motorcycle first" she says and ties a knot on a red balloon. "But then I remembered how pissed off you got at Nate when he traded the car for a motorcycle in high school. Remember when he crashed with it? Wow, you were NOT a happy tutor-wife then…"

Haley laughs but in the corner of her eye Brooke can see Rachel blush a little and roll her eyes. The period back when Rachel was a little infatuated with Nathan is still somewhat a raw point between her two best friends and the motorcycle-days kind of marked the high point of that crush.

"I'm glad you went with the car…" Haley mutters and Rachel shifts nervously. "I still think that it's too much and that you're spoiling him, but if a motorcycle was the alternative, then I'm glad it's a car."

-

_Discovering that over time  
All the could-of-been's  
They blow your mind and speak to you  
And the voice you hear will stay with you  
Beneath the things you say and do_

It's three o'clock and a lot of people are starting to fill the garden. Rain-clouds are still hanging low in the sky but no one seems to care since it hasn't started dripping. Kids are running around playing and laughing and Nathan has started the barbecue. Brooke watches from her place by the pool and smiles at Haley who's running back and forth.

She should be happier on a day like this. She shouldn't have to force a smile or repress the wish to just go back to the hotel and pop a couple of sleeping pills. And she shouldn't be sitting alone feeling a mix of hope and fear that Lucas will arrive without her noticing.

So far she hasn't seen him but she knows he'll be here. He would never disappoint Jamie by not showing up.

Actually he should be here any moment.

But as she once again scans the growing crowd she instead sees a familiar blonde head of curls and her heart plummets down into her stomach. Peyton…

She hasn't talked to Peyton either since Blue Post and she knows that there's a big risk that her former best friend is furious. So she slowly gets on her feat and starts walking towards her. She might as well test the waters. Take this confrontation now so that she won't be stuck with both Lucas and Peyton at the same time.

The blonde girl doesn't see her and when she gets close enough she mumbles:

"Hey Peyton… can I talk to you for a sec?"

Peyton turns slowly and the disappointed look she's expected to see is all over her friend's face.

"About Lucas?" she says a little coldly. "Or did you bring _Jeremy_?"

Sighing she just takes in the sarcastic comment. She knew that Peyton wouldn't let this slide easily, but she had still had hopes.

"I just want to explain…" she mumbles and tries to keep her voice steady. "I just want you to know what happened."

But Peyton just shakes her head tiredly.

"Let me do it for you Brooke. You love Lucas. You loved him all along. But instead of sticking to that you fed me and everybody else lies, just because you were afraid. What explanation could there be other then that? I think it sucks, you know that?"

She sighs.

"I tried telling you Peyt. Really. When we were at the restaurant, you me and Lucas, I tried telling you, but you thought I was talking about another guy."

Now the blonde just snickers. "Yeah? Then why didn't you correct me? You could have said: No P Sawyer, I meant Lucas. I slept with _Lucas_. Or even better: I never stopped _loving_ Lucas, Peyton. It would definitely have made stuff easier…"

They are both talking rather quietly and the body language is kept at a minimum. It feels weird when there is a party going on around them and even more after Peyton's last comment. The words erase most of her guilt and make her angry instead.

"What? And do what _you_ did? Hell no Peyton."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"God…"

She sighs and looks straight into the eyes of her childhood bestie. "You still don't get it, do you Peyton? I was _happy_ with Lucas in senior year! Yeah sure, it was hard for a while when Keith died, but Lucas was the love of my life! When you told me that you still had feelings for him everything was ruined. In all honesty; You broke my heart just as much as he did."

"But Brooke…"

"No. Listen. Lucas had just proposed to you! Literally less then 24 hours prior. And I slept with him! Sure, I was drunk, but that doesn't excuse the fact that I had sex with him even though I didn't even know if you guys still loved each other. I HATED myself for doing that. I should NEVER have done that, just like I shouldn't have slept with Nathan all those years ago."

Peyton looks a little shocked and she's happy that they are at the outskirts of the garden, away from everybody else, when Peyton retaliates.

"But you did sleep with Luke. And you got pregnant! How could you _not_ tell me that? I was your best friend!"

She actually doesn't know what to say to that since explaining _that_ would mean having to say: No you weren't. Rachel was. _Rachel still is._

Instead she clears her throat.

"I'm sorry Peyton… I don't know what to say other than sorry, okay? I didn't even know I was pregnant before the accident happened and if I hadn't lost the baby I would have told Lucas and I would have told you. But I miscarried and he still LOVED you. What would you have done in that situation? Would you have stepped in between?"

For almost a minute there's only silence between them. She hears Jamie's pearly laughter from afar and she finally shakes her head and laughs dryly.

"Scratch that" she gets out. "I guess from experience I _know_ what you would've done."

She turns and starts walking away, thoroughly saddened that Peyton doesn't even try to understand, but the blonde grabs her arm at the last second.

"He didn't still love me…" Peyton says silently. "Okay Brooke? He told me we were over. And that night when you lost the baby he was with me because he tried making me understand that it would never be me and him again. I was being a bitch and refused to let go because I was jealous, but that was what he was doing..."

She just looks at her curly friend and Peyton looks back sternly. And just when she's about to open her mouth and ask what the girl means by this, Haley walks out through the front door carrying a big birthday-cake and all the guests in the garden burst out in a loud and cheery "Happy Birthday".

Regaining a less tense posture she tries to sing along with the happy crowd but her head is spinning and her thoughts are jumbled.

And when she looks back at her former best friend a couple of minutes later, Peyton isn't there anymore.

_So, let it out  
Let it out…_

-

At four o'clock the clouds from earlier have moved on and it has become a beautiful day. Hot enough for people to want to be outside or even go to the beach, but not enough to get that sweaty, sticky feeling. Birds are chirping in the trees around the garden and the wind from the sea creates a comfortable breeze.

Haley laughs somewhere near and Lucas wishes that he could feel just as happy. It is after all his godson's birthday. But he can't.

He's already spotted Brooke on the patio and for the last hour, ever since he arrived, he has kept on safe distance from her. He doesn't want to cause a scene in front of friends and family, they all had enough of that the night at the Blue Post, and he doesn't want to ruin things when Nathan and Haley have spent days preparing for this party.

So he has stayed away both from Brooke and from Peyton and instead he's played with James, helped Nathan over by the barbecue and hung out with Skills. But he has to talk to the brunette at some point. And since they're in the same garden and he's sober and calm, he might as well approach her here in the safety of the crowd. He needs to be grown up in the situation and try to find a way to talk to Brooke without wanting to scream. Because it's obvious that she's taking her godmother-role serious and that she'll be around for birthdays and stuff in the future.

While walking over the lawn, towards the porch where he last saw her, he's thankful that she hadn't brought that annoying excuse for a bartender. Although today she's come in the company of Rachel, and he's not sure if that is such a major improvement. Even though the redhead had been the one to tell him the truth, she's still very much on Brooke's side, flanking and protecting the girl that had pretty much ruined his life, as if she was the victim.

Brooke is still on the porch and weirdly enough Rachel is nowhere to be seen. Bevin though, is right beside her, and as he angrily stomps towards them, fighting an inner battle to restrain his temper, he gets a clearer view of his ex-girlfriend.

She sits on a lounge-chair, wearing a white summer dress and holding Bevin's practically newborn baby. She softly rocks the little girl in her arms, and on a yards distance it looks to him as if she singing.

He stops again, suddenly overthrown by the thought that this is what she could have looked like holding _their_ baby. And he watches her as she looks down at the tiny dark-haired infant with a soft smile on her face.

Inside his chest, his heart breaks a little bit more.

Brooke could have been the mother to his child. She _should_ have been the mother, had the damn accident not gotten in the way, and suddenly some of the anger he's been feeling gives way to complete and utter grief. But it also fuels his frustration.

For the hundredth time since last night he's reminded of her text-message, and however angry he's been, and still is, he really doesn't want her to think that he hates her. It's just that he's so disappointed in how it all turned out. Nineteen months ago he left New York thinking that she'd call him when she had calmed down. She would find his letter, call his mother or maybe Nathan and Haley to find out where he was, and then she'd ask him to come back. But it didn't happen that way.

Instead he had heard nothing. He had rebuilt his life after becoming a drunk and a failure, and just when he thought he was really getting back on his feet, then he found out that his mother had been in contact with Brooke for months.

He guesses that Brooke read his letter but didn't care enough to see how much he had needed her. And now, now that he knows about her lies, there's nothing but disappointment and sadness.

Anger.

His feet start walking again, mechanically as if he's walking in a trance, and when he reaches the steps up to the patio, he says her name;

"Brooke…"

She looks up, still with the soft dimpled smile intact, but when she sees him, it falls.

"Lucas…"

She acknowledges him tiredly, as if she already knows that his appearance will lead to a fight. And he _wants_ to fight with her. God knows he does, more than anything else. But something in the way she shields the baby from his possible outburst makes him deflate totally.

And to his complete surprise, he then hears himself say;

"I don't hate you Brooke… I want you to know that, okay?"

"What?"

She looks at him with an expression of hesitation mixed with confusion and he clears his throat.

"You said in your text last night that I hated you, and I don't… But I wish I did…"

Brooke doesn't answer. She just stays the same, rocking the baby and staring back at him blankly.

"I feel so hurt, Brooke…" he continues. "I don't understand what I did to you to make you treat me like you did… I thought about you_so much_ during those first months and even though I left you that letter you couldn't even contact me and explain why you pushed me away. You forced me to find out that you had moved on through pictures in tabloids… Why? How could you do that?"

"But…"

She looks confused and her green eyes squint a little. He takes a tiny step closer and leans against the pillar. Ignores the way Bevin looks at him disapprovingly.

"No. I don't fucking get it Brooke. I did _nothing_ to deserve this. The lies, the way you avoided me… It's not fair!"

A tiny ounce of the anger inside him slips out in the last words and she flinches a little, but her pose stays stoic. She keeps rocking Bevin's little Sarah and her voice is calm.

"I'm sorry Lucas. I know that what I did was wrong. I shouldn't have lied, but you…"

"Don't you dare say that it was my fault!"

"I wasn't going to."

He sighs deeply and almost wishes that she would. He almost wants her to openly blame him because that would make it more legit for him to release his frustration and anger. But apart from looking utterly sad and guilty, the brunette in front of him says nothing more. _Nothing_.

"If Rachel hadn't slipped up, would you ever have told me?" he asks a little less harsh and she shakes her head. There is a pause as a couple of kids run by and he wishes that people around him weren't so happy.

"I don't think so" she finally answers. "So much time had passed and you were better off not knowing. I'm not saying that I did the right thing Luke, but it was hard, okay? I couldn't risk having you break my heart again… I was broken enough as it was…"

This time she is the one sighing and if it weren't for the fact that there is a birthday party going on all around them, he would probably bang his fist into the wall of the house and scream. But there _is_ a party. More specifically his nephew's party. And instead of lashing out the way he wants to he controls himself and hisses:

"That's not fair either and you know it!"

"Why not Lucas? I was protecting myself. And I don't know how many times I have t tell you that I know that it was wrong. But you have to believe that if I hadn't miscarried, then I would have told you… I would never have kept you from your child, you know that. _You know__me_."

"Yeah, I do..."

Surprisingly this isn't a lie. Just by watching her hold the infant, he knows that Brooke would never have lied had the child lived. And when he's finally puzzling together Rachel's story, all the things Nathan and Haley said, and then Brooke short explanation from the other night with what she's saying now, he finally starts to realize…

Suddenly her words from that night a year and a half ago stand out sharp and bright in his mind;

"You're free Luke. There is no one here that you have to save…" 

She had actually thought that she did the right thing. She had actually thought he didn't want her. And weirdly enough it angers him even more.

"I just wish you would have talked to me…" he says and takes a step closer. "It's been over nineteen months Brooke. My life could have been totally different."

"How you chose to live your life is not my fault Luke," she mumbles back and her eyes stray down to the babygirl in her lap. "I just gave you the opportunity of escaping."

"Huh?"

Hearing her words, he feels completely bewildered. An escape route? Is that what she called it? Even if it was true that she felt insecure about his feelings, she had still practically shoved him out the door and locked it from the inside. She hadn't given him a choice. If she had, then he would have chosen _her_.

He can feel himself slumping, his whole body-language slacked and his voice no longer sounding like his own when he continues.

"I know you're hurting right now too, but that… what you just said… that's just insane…"

Bevin is staring at him and he can see that Rachel is walking towards them too, but he doesn't care who hears this, he just needs to get it out.

"When you were in the hospital, Brooke… that week when we didn't know if you would even wake up… that was the worst week in my entire life. And when you woke up and I knew that you would eventually be okay, I swear I could've sold my soul to the devil right there… just as a thank you…"

His voice is cracking just by the thought of how it had felt and Brooke blinks, but she stays silent in a weird frozen state, and he sighs deeply.

"I should have known that something was wrong when you closed up like that, but I thought it was the shock of everything… and Peyton had told me that you slept with that Jeremy-guy… and I guess, I guess it just made sense…"

She blinks again, but this time her eyes stay closed longer. And then a single tear slides down her cheek. Teasingly slowly, as if all it wants is to climb back up and disappear back into her eye.

"Don't do this Lucas…" she whispers, still without opening her eyes. "Please… Not here…"

Although now that he's started, he can't seem to stop. He has to get this off his chest once and for all. So he motions for her to give the baby back to Bevin and points towards the door.

"Then let's go inside" he says and forces himself not to let that single tear get to him. "Let's talk this out without all these people around."

"Okay…"

Her voice is weak, and when Bevin steps in and lifts the baby that's now fussing since Brooke stopped rocking her, Brooke looks even more lost.

He takes yet another step forward and she gets up and follows him inside in silence. In the corner of his eye he watches her and he can't help but see that it looks like she's walking towards her execution.

Somehow it makes him feel good.

-

_There's anger far behind the things  
That surface one your mind  
And bring your spirits down, down, down  
Because of all that comes before the rise and fall  
Just hold your ground  
And let it out_

His back and shoulders are tense and he doesn't say anything as they walk through the kitchen and into the livingroom in the back of the house. She wants to reach out and touch him. Rub his back and tell him over and over again that she never meant for their lives to become this complicated. But she knows that there's no room for comfort or affection between them anymore.

She has broken Lucas Scott almost as much as he has broken her and he is far too angry. Far too lost and hurt.

And as he finally stops over by Nathan's and Haley's big brown couches and turns to look at her with dark eyes, she once again thinks of his letter.

"_People__that are meant to be together don't always find each other in the end. Sometimes they stray so fucking far apart that it seems like love is the universe's cruellest joke. And sometimes it just hurts too bad to keep trying..."_

If he only knew how right he is…

Tears get stuck in her throat and she wonders if he's reading her mind because he takes a deep breath.

"I_loved_ you" he says, marking the middle word with emphasis. "But you ripped my heart out when you pushed me away. For months I wished that you would come back to me, or at least call me… but you never did. Don't you understand how I felt when I found out that all of this, ALL of it, was based on a fucking misunderstanding?"

She bows her head and wonders if there is any room in this for her to ever explain her side but he's not done.

"I knew that you might not read my letter… but knowing that you did and that you _still_ didn't tell me that the baby was mine, it kills me Brooke! It fucking _kills_ me!"

"But the letter…"

"I_waited_! I waited and waited and I blamed myself! And when I couldn't bare it anymore, I drank. Loads, okay? I was a freaking _drunk_, Brooke!"

"I'm sorry…"

The flood of tears is closer now and she's scared. The hot ball in her throat is suffocating her and she doesn't want to cry. Tears are dangerous. They show weakness and bring pain and she's been doing so good with not crying for so long. Only one little slip-up in Owen's car. _One_. And now she's on the verge of losing all control.

Desperately she looks up into the ceiling and blinks. She can hear her pulse in her ears and she swallows. He still stares at her and even though she doesn't look at him she knows that his eyes are burning with anger.

"I didn't know" she whispers, maybe even too silently for him to even pick it up. "They never told me and I… I just thought…"

"What? You thought _what_!?"

"I thought you were fine…"

This sentence is even more silent but he must hear her because he gasps.

"Oh really! Just like what you _thought_ you heard in the hospital? Almost two damn years of heartache, based on something that's not even true! You think I still loved Peyton? You think I wanted her more than I wanted you? Wrong!"

The room feels like it's shrinking around her and she shrinks with it when his voice becomes loud and harsh.

"That night when you came out of your painkiller-daze I told Haley that I had met someone. She asked me if I was getting back with Peyton and I told her _no_. I told her that I was in love and that I couldn't marry Peyton ever, since I had met _'the one'_. But I couldn't tell her that it was _you_ since I knew that you would kill me. I wanted to wait until I had asked your damn permission!"

His words carve into her as knives. Tears are streaming down her face fast now, still without a sound and she doesn't bother to wipe them away. So Peyton had been telling the truth? He had rejected Peyton? For real?

Suddenly it all hurts too much…

-

_Somewhere off in the distance,  
On the other side of your resistance  
Lies, a peacefull existence  
It waits…_

Brooke is openly crying now. A Niagara-fall of tears. And in a way he still thinks that it feels good to see it because she has hardly shown any emotion since coming back to Tree Hill. But on the other hand it is also starting to contribute to the growing pain inside him. He wants her to suffer just like he does, but maybe not to this extent. Yet he hisses;

"I told you at Blue Post. You ruined it. _You_."

"Stop it…" she sobs and covers her face with her hands, but he doesn't. He can't.

"No, you need to listen to this. You need to understand that you ruined what we could have had because you applied my declaration of love for_you_ on _Peyton_… The way you've ALWAYS done Brooke! It ruined us back in high school and it ruined us this time too. Your fucking inability to trust my love breaks us every time!"

Brooke's sobs is muffled by the way she keeps covering her face and she's saying something. Something about the letter…

"What was that?"

He can't hear her and he tries to pry one of her hands away but she keeps covering her face.

"I didn't… the letter… it came last week. I didn't… know…"

The sobs shake her body and he wrinkles his forehead in confusion. Last week?

But he doesn't get a chance to ask her what the hell she means because Rachel suddenly storms into the room. The redhead takes one look at her brunette friend and then spins towards him.

"Are you fucking out of you mind?!" she hisses. "How can you corner her like this? There's a freaking party going on just outside… probably more than fifty people that would have a field day if they saw this! Wasn't Blue Post enough?"

And as she wraps her arms around the heavily crying Brooke, he finally snaps out of his angry daze and realizes what he has done. Brooke is crushed and watching her he feels as if the last unbroken sliver of his heart shatters into tiny pieces.

What was it Haley had said? _She hasn't cried for real since the accident…_ This would mean that this was her first tears in nineteen months…

"But I…" he starts, although Rachel cuts him off and instantly snaps:

"No! Didn't you hear a word of what I said to you when I came to see you? I told you the truth for _Brooke's_ sake, not for yours. She's been carrying this around for so long that she can't even find herself anymore. All because of you and your fucking unhealthy relationship with _Peyton_!"

Rachel almost spits out the name and he shrinks. Crumbles. Even more so when Rachel rubs Brooke's back in order to get the brunette to remember to breathe and the keeps yelling.

"I must be so stupid! I thought that you could maybe pull your head out of your ass for one second and help me get her back on her feet, but instead you stick your head into a tequila-bottle and try and push all of this back on Brooke?! You know what, Lucas, FUCK YOU! This is NOT helping!"

The redhead is yelling now and unconsciously he does the same. He feels as if he _has_ to defend himself.

"I'm doing the best I can, okay! None of this would have happened if she would have just told me the truth!!"

Brooke's body is still shaking with raw sobs and he wishes that he could see her face. Her eyes had always been the easiest way to read her, but her head is buried at Rachel's chest and the redhead's glare is fire and ice as she hisses; "Asshole!"

And he's just about to yell back that if she wanted to help Brooke so badly she could have told him the truth from the beginning. Why the hell wait a more than a year? But something stops him. Something is hammering against his thigh, and as he looks down he finds James pounding on him furiously with his little fists. His face is wrinkled up in anger and his eyes full of tears.

"Stop it uncle Luke! Stop it!"

His frown falls as he watches the child's emotional outburst. And he does his best to keep his voice as calm and soft as possible, even though on the inside he's still boiling. He hadn't even heard the little boy come into the room.

"James…" he tries, but the little boy just keeps pounding on his leg.

"You're making aunti Brooke cry! I don't want you to do that!"

Damn it. This is not turning out the way he planned… His head hurts, his heart is shattered and he has brought the two people he loves the most to tears. Sighing, he squats down and carefully grabs his nephew's arms. Rachel is forgotten in favour for his nephew's feelings and he softly says:

"Jamie, listen… Brooke and I… we have some grown-up problems, okay? You probably don't understand this now… but when you're older…"

"I don't care! Brooke is sad and you should say sorry. My mom says that you should always say you're sorry…"

James' voice is loud and his tiny bottom lip trembles, and he feels just like the asshole Rachel has accused him of being. And yet he wants to be four years old too. He wants to say that Brooke should be the one saying 'sorry'. That her actions have made him just as sad as she is now, if not even worse. But he can't do that. Not when he's in fact a grown man and James is just a little boy, trying to defend someone he loves.

"I'm sorry Jamie…" he mumbles and tries to pull the boy into a hug, but James pulls away, still with anger written all over his face.

"Not to me. To my Brooke!"

It's all just going straight down the drain and he feels like he's drowning. And as if it's not enough with the situation at hand, Haley comes in to get something and upon hearing James' angry voice she stops and turns her son towards her.

"James Lucas Scott! Don't you use that tone to your uncle!"

"But mom…" New tears appear and the innocent face looks so utterly confused. "Luke is not playing fair and daddy says to always play fair… _and_ to be nice to girls… And Brooke _is_ a girl mom, she's uncle Luke's girl. You said so yourself!"

There's a hint of a smile on Haley's face, a glimpse of pride, but then she turns and sees Brooke and Rachel over by the couch. While he talked to James, Rachel must have walked Brooke over there and now she sits with her arms around Brooke, rubbing her back and mumbling comfortingly.

Haley quickly realizes the state that her son's godmother is in and he instantly sees the disappointment in her eyes. He can see her exchange a look with Rachel over Brooke's shoulder and when she turns back, she's looking straight at him instead of at her son, and her eyes are a lot colder.

"Lucas Eugene Scott!" she barks with the same tone she just used to reprimand her son. "What did you do? What they hell did you say to her?"

He looks between them. Rachel, Haley and his little nephew and they all look angry. Tears are still running down James' cheeks and it breaks his heart to see it. It hurts to see the look in the boy's eyes that is so far from the usual adoration and he feels as though he doesn't deserve this. Brooke had lied to him about a life-altering thing and he had just found out. Couldn't they all see that he was just reacting accordingly?

But then help comes from the most unexpected way. Brooke breaks away from Rachel's embrace and wipes her face. She still crying but it's evident that she's trying really hard to get it together.

"Come here Jamie" she says softly, and as opposed to when he tried to hug the little boy moments ago, James willingly walks over to Brooke and crawls up into her lap. The expression on his face is serious and worried and he carefully wipes away the still falling tears on her cheeks with his small hands.

"Don't cry Brookie…" he begs, "Uncle Luke was mean to you when he yelled. But he's gonna say he's sorry now."

Brooke actually smiles a little. A tired smile that doesn't reach her eyes. And then she hugs the little boy, runs her fingers to his spiky hair and makes sure he looks at her before she silently says;

"Listen baby, Lucas wasn't mean to me. He… he didn't mean to make me sad, and he's just as sad himself."

Haley has fallen silent and Rachel just watches silently and he realizes that he himself is holding his breath. Brooke and James seem to have closed out the world, and although she is talking to him as if he was an adult, she does it in such a soft manner, and the little four year-old seems enthralled.

"But he made you cry…"

"Yes hunnie, but not on purpose. I cried because I've missed your uncle Luke so much and being away from him has been so hard. I'm sad because I haven't really been nice to him, and I forgot to say 'sorry'…"

She rubs her nose against James' tiny one and to him its obvious that she's still holding back the sobs for Jamie's sake. She wants to stay strong for the little boy in order not to scare him and the sight makes him feel so guilty that he wants to just walk away. But his feet stay glued to the floor.

James holds Brooke's face between his small palms and shakes his head. Over the vague sound of laughter and music from outside he ushers:

"But Luke _knows_ you're sorry. He loves you. My mommy said so."

The boy's words bring fresh tears to her eyes and he just wants to stop this madness and make it all better, but at the same time he's just as enthralled by her voice as James seems to be.

"But that doesn't make what I did to him okay," she whispers. "Do you understand? I love your uncle Lucas, but I really hurt him, and now he has a right to be angry. Just like you had a right to be angry at me the other day when I didn't take you to the park as I had promised…"

James nods solemnly.

"But you can just tell him what happened, right? Just explain and say you're sorry, right mom?"

The four year-old looks up at Haley for confirmation and Haley nods with eyes glistening with tears. And at that moment Brooke's forced mature calm seems be dissolving, because she evaporates into tears again, earning a very frightened look from her godson.

"I can't explain…" she sobs. "Because it's… it's already too late…"

And that's when he can't take it anymore. Again he looks around, meeting Haley's and then Rachel's eyes. And then he simply walks over, picks James up and hands him over to Haley before kneeling in front of Brooke. She's back to covering her face and her shoulders rise and fall with every sob.

It hurts too much to see her like this.

"Brooke" he murmurs, grabbing her arms and gently prodding them away from her face. "Look at me, baby…"

When she won't, he pulls her towards him and wraps his arms around her, rocking her gently just as she had done with Bevin's baby daughter earlier.

"It's not too late" he whispers into her hair. "I was just so upset when I said that… But it's never too late pretty girl. We're still meant to find each other in the end, remember?"

She cries harder and he holds her flush against his chest. It's been exactly 19 months and 11 days since he last held her for real and her scent is somewhat different. Strawberry seems to have been traded for peach with a slight undertone of coconut, but beneath it there's still that familiar cherry-blossom scent that seems to naturally stem from her skin.

Her tears wet through his shirt and her make-up, or at least what was left of it, is probably smeared all over him. But he doesn't care. He just wants to make her feel safe and undo all the hurt he's made her feel with his outburst. He needs to keep her protected in the fragile state she's in because he's after all the one that has caused this breakdown in the first place. And it's all so weird, because this; holding Brooke and comforting her when she's hurting… this is all he's wanted to do for so long.

"It'll be okay… I won't leave you" he mumbles and presses his lips against her hair. "… I told you I'd be there if you'd fall."

He deliberately uses the last sentence from his letter and she instantly cries harder.

"I… didn't get… the letter… until last…week…" she sobs. "I didn't know… that you… loved me…"

Her face is hidden in the crook of his neck and maybe it's out of deeply hidden habit, but he lowers his head and presses his lips against the hot skin at her collarbone.

"It's okay. I mean, you found it now Pretty girl. That's all that matters. I knew he'd keep it for you…"

She shivers against his lips and he has almost forgotten the other people in the room. Vaguely he can hear Haley tell James to come back out to the garden with her but he just brushes his mouth against Brooke's neck again when she raspily sobs "Who?"

"The doorman, baby… I left it with Paul. The man who gave it to you…"

She moves against his chest and says something but the crying makes it impossible for him to understand. He helplessly meets Rachel's eyes and Rachel shakes her head.

"No doorman. The letter came in the mail. It was there when we came back to New York last week and it looked like it had been lost for a while…"

Totally confused he just looks down at Brooke and then back to Rachel.

"But I didn't send it… I left it at my house…"

And that's when it hits him. There, in that second he realizes the biggest mistake of all.

The only message he left for Brooke in nineteen months had been left in the lobby of his New York building.

And Brooke had never known where he lived.

He inhales sharply. Tries to get air into his lungs and blood to his malfunctioning brain. And he's so busy trying to figure out how he could have missed this that he loosens his grip of Brooke. She's still crying when she pushes away a little and finally looks at him.

"Baby I'm sorry…" he mumbles with a cracking voice but there's no blame in her eyes.

"I need air…" she sobs and pushes him off even more. Stands up and starts moving away from him. And he can't figure out if she's angry or if the crying is giving her a panic-attack, because her chest heaves violently for every breath.

"No Brooke. Stay! Talk to me…"

Rachel reaches out for Brooke's hand as well but the gorgeous brunette that _used to_ be his shrugs away. And then she turns and quickly walks towards the door.

He panics.

There's no way in hell that he's letting her go this easily after having held her again. So before she reaches the glass doors that are heading towards the beach he's right behind her, wrapping his arms around her body.

She deflates. Leans against him and sobs and he pulls her closer and whispers:

"Let's leave for a bit Brooke… I think we both need it…"

And surprisingly enough she nods.

He holds her steady against his chest for a little longer before opening the glass doors through which he can already see the ocean. He looks back at Rachel and mumbles; "Can you tell Haley that we'll be back" and even though the redhead seems a little hesitant she agrees.

Then he intertwines his fingers with Brooke's and slowly walks outside, thinking that the world has a strange way of making things repeat itself. Twisting and turning so that so many of his most important moments with Brooke happened close to the roaring sea.

"Come on" he then ushers softly and pulls her with him down the sandy stairs.

His heart still aches even though she follows. But at least today is a start.

_What a difference it makes  
Without boundaries, no limits, no maximum reach  
No guidelines to follow  
One promise to each  
his own individual  
_

_A self-destination  
A wide-open journey  
on a path to creation  
Your life  
Is happening now_

---

* * *

**Author's note**: So now that the fighting is over... Are you as drained as I am? LOL

Its now almost 2 am and I want to skip the big 'Oscar's award thank you-speech' this time because I figure that you're all pretty tired of my longwinded babbling. But it's important for me to know that you are all aware of how thankful I am to have readers like you. I don't think that there's any other person here on ff that's as spoiled as I am when it comes to amazingly long and well wrote reviews. Seriously… ever time I get them, I'm stunned. Amazed Deliriously happy…

So extra big thanks to all of you for being wonderful:

Daniel

Cami

Ellie

Emma

Stefy

Cheyenne

Britt

Bri

Chelsea

Jules

Ebony

Gracie

Sarah

Anjela

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Anjela

Allie

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Ella

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Emery

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Jem

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Janie

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OTHbrucas4ever

Rachel

BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE

Born.To.Die

Bella

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Sara

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Brucas3

Catcat51092

Brucas333

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BRUCAS 2007,

brookenlucas4eva03

bibleboymary4ever

onetreehillgirlie066


	16. Do You Ever Get Weak

**Author's note:** So this is seriously the longest chapter I've ever written. But when there is BL, there are conflicts to handle, and where there are conflicts, I tend to go on and on… LOL. Plus, after last chapter's wonderful feedback, you guys deserve a freaking book. And Stefy? Stef, baby… I couldn't have finished this chapter without you. You know that. Always love, okay?  
The lyrics for this chapter are from the song "Scratch" by Kendall Payne. Now, without further ado…

* * *

**-  
****CHAPTER 16 – Do You Ever Get Weak?  
-**

_It's a big girl world now  
Full of big girl things  
And every day I wish I was small_

The afternoon sun warms Nathan's neck as he stands by the barbecue and flips burgers for the party-guests around him. The day is running much more smoothly than he would have thought and he feels great. Inwardly very proud that his little man is yet another year older, and pleased that all his friends are here to share it.

He laughs at a joke coming from Skills and takes a sip from his cold Heineken. And when he hears the familiar high-pitched "Daddy!", he puts down the spatula on the grill and bends down to catch his son that comes running towards him over the lawn.

"Hey champ. Where have you been, huh?"

"Daddy, daddy… Uncle Luke and Brooke were fighting! And that lady Rachel said bad words!"

The little arms wrap around his neck and he hoists Jamie up with him when he stands back up. "Don't mind Rachel" he says, smiling to cheer up the sullen expression on his son's face. "She has a potty mouth. Always had… But what were you doing bothering Luke and Brooke? Were they talking?"

Because if they were, then that's good, right?

Or maybe not… Not when his kid looks like he's been crying.

"Uh-uh… they were yelling" Jamie pushes. "And Luke wasn't nice so I had to save Brooke. Just like you said daddy. I saved her like I did with Lily when we were in the park and that man with the big dog came, remember daddy?"

He nods. "That's good buddy…"

Yelling? Saving? _What dog_?

His son actually looks really sad and he wonders what the hell is going on. If Brooke and Lucas were at it, it was probably long overdue and he's not surprised because he's been trying to spot Brooke or his brother for a while now. But just because he's not surprised doesn't mean that he's not worried.

He carries Jamie with him towards his wife who's just coming out the door. Throws the towel he's holding to Skills while mumbling a quick "Mind the burgers, will you?" and ruffles his son's hair. And thankfully, just when he reaches Haley, James seems to get a switched focus because his son squirms out of his grip and starts chasing balloons with the neighbor's kids. His wife looks tired and he looks at her expectantly.

"Do I need to be worried about this Haley?" he says quietly and points towards the door she came out through. "Are they still in there fighting? Why didn't you come get me?"

Haley shakes her head. "I didn't have to. They're done. I took Jamie and left when Brooke was in Lucas' arms crying like a baby…"

"Crying?"

"Yeah."

Confused he looks towards the house. "Brooke Davis? Our son's godmother?"

"Yes."

"She was _crying_?"

This time his wife just sighs and nods. And however morbid it might be, he wishes that he could have been in there to see that happen. He's been waiting for these tears for a long time. Actually ever since that first day back in New York after the accident…

_Nathan__ hadn't really understood why he needed to go to New York to see Brooke in the first place. And when he followed Rachel into the apartment she shared with Brooke, he still didn't. It wasn't that he didn't want to see his brunette friend, because none of them had seen her in the six weeks that had followed since the car-crash, but it felt weird to come here without Haley and James._

_From what Rachel had told Haley and him over the phone, something was not going so well with Brooke's rehabilitation, so here he was now, straight from his Knick's game, still not sure about what it was he was needed here for._

"_She's in her bedroom…" Rachel almost whispered in a tired fashion and motioned for him to just drop his bag where ever. Apparently proper greetings were not in her schedule today. And not that he really minded. Things were still a bit awkward with him and the redhead. So he just mumbled back a silent "Sure…" and followed._

_The apartment was almost spookily silent and when __Rachel reached for the doorknob to the second door on the left he felt he had to stop her. The whole situation just felt weird._

"_Hey Rach… uhm… Why are we whispering? Maybe you should tell me what the fuck is going on first…"_

_With a sigh she nodded and turned towards the kitchen instead._

_And thirty minutes later, when he was once again standing outside Brooke's bedroom door, he was actually kind of pissed off. Pissed that Rachel hadn't called him or Haley sooner. It would have been good to know that Brooke had hardly left the bed in the three weeks that she had been home. And it could have been great if someone had told him that she refused to see the physical therapist or even go to her check-ups._

"_So fucking stubborn…" he mumbled to himself as he finally pushed the door open. "Why am I even surprised…"_

_One step inside the door he let out a sigh. So this was how she coped? Well that was just great, wasn't it? Stupid Rachel._

_The curtains were pulled closed, the air was stale and the figure under the covers in the huge bed didn't even move when he said her name._

"_What's up B?" he tried a little louder. "Catching up on some sleep, are you?"_

_This time there was a slight movement._

"_Go away Nate."_

_He stood there watching the brown head of hair bury itself deeper into the pillows and he wished Haley was here. This, the whole 'fixing emo-girls', wasn't his turf. But then again, arguing a stubborn Brooke wasn't exactly news to him. A hundred arguments in the gym or on bus-rides to games during high school had made him a fucking pro. _

"_Nope, I just got here" he said matter of factly. "How about you get out of there and we grab a coffee or something?"_

_No answer._

"_Brookie… don't make me force you…"_

_Still no answer._

_So with a deep breath and a pray that he wouldn't regret it, he simply pulled the covers off and did what he had done so many times in junior year. He carried her into the bathroom and stuck her head under the freezing shower._

_She got pissed off of course, and she yelled and called him a couple of really creative names, but it surprised him that she didn't freak out more than she did. And when she was seated on the couch a little later and he calmly asked her why she wouldn't even try to work with the physical therapist, he could clearly see the apathy that Rachel had described._

"_Can you walk on it?" he said and pointed towards her knee._

"_No."_

"_Well, did you try?"_

"_Yes."_

_He sighed. "You have to do it again and again and again, Brooke. Where's the fight, huh? No pain no gain, remember?"_

_He waited for the look that could kill, but nothing. Not even a slight raise of her scarred eyebrow._

"_Come on B… At least do one work out with the guy. You're freaking Rachel out here. She called Haley for crying out loud…"_

_For a second he thought about his brother whom he hadn't talked to in weeks. He wondered where the idiot was now when Brooke could have really needed him. Probably somewhere with the curly blonde since she was AWOL too._

_Brooke looked out the window and shrugged. "He talks too much…" she mumbled. "They all talk too much about shit I don't want to discuss."_

"_Who? The trainer-dude?__ The doctors?"_

"_Yeah…"_

_He struggled not to reach out and hug her. The way she acted made him want to slap her and __hold her at the same time and it took all of his will power not to say: 'About what shit, Brooke? The accident? The baby? That guy Jeremy? Lucas and Peyton?' _

_Instead he gave her a nonchalant smirk._

"_Well fuck him then. I'll go through the program with you until you can do it on your own. On one condition though. Keep your mouth shut because I don't want to hear you complain, okay?"_

_Still no outburst or annoyed huff, so he added "And no crying like a little kid because I'm pushing you, alright Davis?"_

_And that was when she finally met his eyes. Green that had a totally different coldness than before._

"_Don't worry Nate" she said seriously. "There will never be any tears."_

_A week later he was __bound to believe that._

_A week, and what felt like a hundred of hours of apathy later, he really wished she'd take that promise back._

He looks at Haley, and standing here in the middle of their garden, he knows that she can tell what he's thinking. With a tenderness that only his wife can bring, she caresses his cheek with her fingertips and says:

"You know she needs this Nathan… She's been needing this for a long time."

He nods. And he knows.

Yet he can't help but think of something that Brooke had said one night during a rehab-session when he had worked her extra hard. One night when he had thought that she was on the verge of tears and he had told her to just let go and cry it all out.

"_Don't push me! Don't fucking push me, Nathan! Can't you understand that if I start crying I won't be able to stop!"_

What if she had been right? What if she couldn't?

And just when he decides that he should probably go check on Brooke and his big brother, just to see that they hadn't killed each other, Rachel comes out the door.

"They left" the redhead says nonchalantly and sips her refilled wine glass. "Lucas dragged her out on the beach to 'talk' or something…"

She rolls her eyes as if she's completely unfazed, but underneath it he sees that she's just as worried as she'd been that Sunday when he first came to the apartment.

Honestly, he totally understands why.

_I've been counting on nothing  
But he keeps giving me his word_

Lucas holds Brooke's smaller hand in his and leads her down along the sandy beach as if she's a small child. They've been walking for a while and she follows him without question, only stopping for a second to slip off her heals and continue to walk barefoot. When she does he stops too and he picks her shoes up and carries them in his other hand before going any further.

She's still crying, but the sound isn't as desperate and choking as before. The breeze and calm down here seems to have a calming effect on her and the sobs are dying down and her breathing is slowly turning back to normal. But when he turns to look at her every other second he can still see the tears cascading down her face. They seem to almost be without end and he longs to dry them away and make them stop completely.

Nathan and Haley's house is just a small dot in the distance now and he slows down his step before finally sitting down on the sand and pulling Brooke down with him. She's still letting him control her, almost like a hand-puppet, and he worries. Worries about her tears that won't stop falling, and about his own tears that won't seem to fall at all even though his chest still burns with the pressure from them.

He needs a drink. Just a small one to take the edge of the guilt, but there's hardly a bar anywhere around here.

The sand is warm and he plays with the tiny grains while watching her bury her naked toes into it. Neither of them says a word. Neither of them has said a single syllable since they walked out of the living room, and now the air between them is tense. Somehow it was all fine as long as he held her in his arms, but as soon as he let her push him away they instantly went back to this feeling of being distant. And even though she sits right next to him it feels like she is light-years away and he doesn't know how to approach her.

But when she lets out a deep sigh and finally tries to wipe her face from the salty tears that keeps sticking her hair to her cheeks, then he can't do anything other than wraps his arm around her still shaking shoulders and whisper:

"Come here…"

She looks so frail and the need to protect her is just too strong.

She moves closer and leans against him. It's a little hesitant still, but he runs his hand through her brown locks. He takes the opportunity to tilt her head so that it rests against his shoulder before placing a kiss on the top of her head and inhaling her scent again, this time mixed with the salty sea. Then he mumbles: "I think we should try to talk this out, Brooke… Maybe it'll hurt less if we just talk…"

She holds back a sob and he can feel her chest heave.

"I can't…"

The words are so small, her voice so fragile, and he wants to ask 'why?' but he already knows the answer. It hurts too much and she's afraid of the tears. Afraid to open up and feel. He knows, because he's been there himself and it made him turn to the bottle. For months.

It's not the same this time though. This time he had just kicked back a few beers and shots when he was angry. Nothing he couldn't control. And now that he and Brooke might work things out, he won't do that anymore.

Gazing out over the crashing waves he can't help but wonder what _her_ 'escape-door' is, what her comfort-blanket consists of... Because it has obviously not been tears, that's for sure. He wishes for the hundredth time that he hadn't been so drunk when Rachel came and talked to him that night when she accidentally told him about the baby. She had given crucial information about Brooke's life and the 19 months that has passed since the car-crash, but he can't remember.

So instead of pushing, he pulls her closer. Takes a deep breath and exhales. The breeze catches a lock of her hair again and he collects it and carefully puts it back behind her ear.

There is no easy way to fix all this. No magic band-aid or quick working remedy, but he knows that somehow they have to try, because they both need to mend so badly.

"I had a dog once…" he mumbles softly. "His name was Rocket and he got run over when I was six. And mom, she saw how sad I was… so I guess she just thought that it was better if we never talked about it…"

He waits to see if Brooke minds the sound of his voice, but she just keeps her head against his shoulder and he breathes in.

"She kind of pretended that he hadn't existed" he continues slowly. "But it was as if not talking about it made it worse. It felt unfair, you know? I mean, I loved that dog… and then he was just gone, memory wiped out as if he had never been there, and it made me mad at her… but I was little, just a small boy… and finally I just figured she knew best."

She seems to relax a little and it's just the feel of his wet shirt that tells him she's still crying. He tries to tread carefully around this subject and at least she seems to listen, even if she still doesn't make a sound.

"Then when Keith died, she did the same" he sighs. "She refused to talk about the fact that he was gone and what he had meant to us. She never mentioned how it had happened. She just took down the pictures and never said his name. And I know that it might have been harsh of me but I just kept hanging them up again, kept talking about him. Especially after Lil was born… I mean, Lily deserved to know him. She's like you in so many ways Brooke, and she _craves_ the truth, _loves_ stories and she dreams _so big_… And Keith, Keith just deserved to be remembered."

Brooke mumbles something but he doesn't catch it. It's so faint and muffled by the way she keeps her head hidden at his shoulder. And instead of asking her to repeat it, he carefully he strokes her over the hair.

"Do you know who it was that taught me all this?" he says softly. "Taught me that you have to deal with things and keep the memory strong? Do you have any idea?"

She doesn't answer and he tilts her head up and forces her to look at him. Her eyes are red from tears and her bottom lip still quivers slightly. But for the first time she really meets his gaze.

"It was you Brooke" he says. "You forced me to see that I needed to keep the memory of him alive. That he wasn't gone as long as we just remembered him… And it felt like such a relief when you didn't just swallow my bullshit after the shooting. You know, all that about being fine and not needing to talk. The weekend in the cabin when you made me open up, that's what changed it all, Brooke. Even though I never told you that… I realized that my mom was _wrong_. We shouldn't have pretended that Rocket never existed. And we could never do that to Keith…"

The waves are smaller now in the late afternoon and the sound of them hitting the shore is almost lulling. He can feel Brooke's steady pulse against his chest and he thinks about what Nathan had told him about her life lately.

While he's been so busy feeling sorry for himself and hiding from emotions, she's been struggling with a whole other level of pain. One that he really should have been there to share. And knowing full and well that she doesn't want to be pushed, and that the comparison with Rocket or even Keith might not have made any sense to her, he still carefully tries.

"We _have_ to talk Brooke. We can't pretend that these 19 months didn't happen or that there never was an accident" he says softly down towards her curled up form. "We need to talk about the fact that we lost a child Brooke. And that we spent a year and a half apart for no reason…"

She buries her head deeper into his chest and her fingers grasp the fabric of his shirt. When he looks down he can see her knuckles almost whiten.

"Brooke?"

Her eyes are squeezed shut and she shakes her head.

"No Lucas…please, please… don't call it that…"

Her voice is full of panic and he sighs and closes his eyes so that he won't have to see the tears that are now cascading down her cheeks again.

"Don't call it what?" he asks, feeling more worried now when feeling how tense she is. "A child? A baby?"

In an effort to make him stop she shakes her head again and he falls silent.

'Then what do you want me to call it', he thinks and hushes the girl that clings to him. 'It was _our baby_, and I didn't even know…'

_And I am tired of hearing myself speak  
Do you get weary? Do you ever get weak?_

Haley laughs at kids playing on the lawn while starting to clear away the dishes. Her mind is torn between her guests and the absence of Brooke and Lucas, and even though she's just told Nathan for the fifth time not to worry, she worries too.

They've been gone for an hour now and she doesn't want to think about all the yelling and screaming that might be talking place. And she's not really feeling good about Brooke's breakdown. Even though Lucas had seemed to really reach out to the crying brunette, she wonders if he is really 'well' enough to handle her tears. With the recent mood-swings and drinking, she's not sure he is.

She shakes her head to snap out of her line of thoughts and turns towards the pool area.

She's surprised to see that Rachel is still here and she watches Brooke's redheaded friend sip her wine slowly, gaze locked on something far away in space. Without Brooke, the redhead really doesn't have any natural connection to the people at this party. And she realizes that except for Bevin, Nathan, Skills and herself, Rachel doesn't even know who any of these people are.

The redhead twirls the glass to watch the sun play off its surface in what looks like a bored manner and Haley walks over to the bench and clears her throat to make her presence known. When there's no reaction she simply touches the girl's shoulder, and with Rachel so far away in thoughts, the girl almost jumps out of her chair and covering her racing heart with her hand before looking up.

"Jeez Haley… You scared the shit out of me!"

Apologetically she smiles towards her.

"Sorry Rachel, I didn't mean to scare you. Can I sit down?"

The redhead seems hesitant and while nodding, she probably also wonders what she wants. They haven't been enemies in years. Actually, with both of them being so close to Brooke, they have even created some form of a friendship, but they never really talked to each other without Brooke present.

"Sure" Rachel mumbles, and just to keep up appearances she adds "It's a free country."

Rolling her eyes she takes a seat next to Rachel on the bench. They sit like that in silence for a couple of minutes, watching Jamie run around and playing with his friends. Then she sighs.

"Aren't you worried Rachel?"

She guesses that Rachel knows exactly what she means but the other girl still asks "About what? Brooke and Lucas?"

"Yeah… I mean, Brooke won't really do well with this breaking down thing, will she?"

Rachel shakes her head and mumbles "No shit?" in a way that makes it obvious that she has almost read her mind. And she sighs again, feeling slight despair over the fact that she has to turn to Brooke's _best_ friend for answers in this situation. The last ten days, ever since the big 'reveal' at Blue Post, she's been feeling slightly disappointed about the fact that Brooke had kept this from her. Not just about the baby being Lucas' but about how extremely broken the brunette still was.

It hurts to know that for all that time Brooke had carried around this secret and not felt like she could talk to her about it.

"Nathan says that he thinks you're the only one she has really talked to…" she mutters quietly and keeps looking at Jamie playing. "Does she ever talk about the miscarriage? About the fact that she lied to Lucas about it?"

Rachel follows suite and keeps staring ahead as well.

"Of course we've talked about the lie. I mean, I've known all along that it was his baby and she confirmed it pretty quickly. But she made it very clear that the subject was to stay buried… and she hasn't talked about it for over a year. At least not until she called me a couple of weeks ago."

Silently she wonders what it was that had made Brooke call Rachel and ask her to come. If it had been something with Lucas, or if it was just the fact that Brooke had felt lonely. It plagues her that her friend might have felt that way even around her, Nathan and Jamie.

"Do you think she's sad about it?" she asks quietly, feeling a somewhat guilty feeling in her stomach.

Rachel looks up with a frown.

"About lying to Luke? Wasn't that obvious? You saw how she practically begged him to forgive her, both at Blue post and today…"

"No Rach, I meant about the baby."

For a second Rachel seems to contemplate letting out some snide remark, but then she must decide that she's not in the mood to be her sarcastic self today.

"You _know_ Brooke, Haley" she sighs instead. "If you stop feeling so freaking sorry for yourself over the fact that she didn't confide in you about this, then you already know the answer to that question. She hardly acknowledges that it happened, but the truth is that losing Lucas' baby broke her a hell of a lot more than he himself or that accident ever could."

"Has she talked to anyone?"

"You mean like a shrink?"

She nods. Surely Rachel must have seen to it that this was dealt with properly. The redhead had after all called and asked for Nathans help back when Brooke wasn't responding to rehab. But the girl beside her shakes her head tiredly.

"Not really. She went a couple of times during the first months but after a while she just refused to go back. That doctor prescribed her some anti-depressants and let her go on her merry way and that was it. I tried making her go back, but again; you know Brooke…"

"Yeah… But I wish I would have know though… During all the weeks she spent here, I kept feeling like she was just pretending to be okay, and I don't know why I didn't call her on it…"

It's true. She doesn't know. Maybe it had been a case of good old denial? Not knowing had meant not having to deal.

"I just miss her so much" she trails off. "The _old_ Brooke, you know?"

Rachel rolls her eyes and laughs dryly, seemingly masking up how much she truly agrees, and mumbles "And you think I _don't_? Do you have any idea what it's like to live in the same apartment as her? She's a freaking ghost, Haley. All she does is work."

For some reason, she still can't help but blame Rachel slightly. If the redhead would have just told them all how badly Brooke was dealing, then they could have shipped in to help. But in the back of her mind she knows that directing her disappointment towards Brooke's friend isn't really the right way to go. She should have kept better track of Brooke, but with Jamie, and Nathan's rocket-climbing basketball career, things had just been too hectic.

"I bet you did the best you could, Rach…" she says and tries to not let her petty jealousy shine through. "You've been a really great friend to Brooke. I just don't see how you can be so calm about all this. Brooke fell apart in there… I've never seen her like that, and guess I'm just a little surprised. I mean… how come you act like you're not even worried?"

For the first time since she sat down next to the redhead, Rachel actually displays real irritation. She lets out a loud huff and turns to her.

"I _am_ worried about her, Haley. I really am. You might still think of me as I was in high school. The slutty girl that only thought about herself and that went after your husband and got Bevin to smoke weed. But newsflash; people change!"

The last words are spit out coldly and for a second she's not sure who Rachel is talking about. It could be abut herself, Brooke, Lucas or maybe even all of them. She feels herself shrink a little in her seat and Rachel's shoulders slump a little.

"I worry about Brooke every fucking day" she continues tiredly. "And that's why I came down here two weeks ago… It might not have been very bright of me to tell Lucas about the baby, but I wanted _help_ her. And you know what? I _can't_, and neither can you. Only that stupid broody friend of yours can, and that's why I'm sitting here at a kid's birthday party, in a shitty town that I haven't thought about in years. Because I want him to fucking _heal_ her, okay?"

The mixture of helplessness and anger in Rachel's voice makes her flinch slightly, but it also makes it even more apparent that they are sitting beside each other on this bench because they're feeling exactly the same. Because they want the same thing.

To help.

And she realizes that in order for them to be able to team up and start fixing stuff between Brooke and Lucas, Rachel needs to know some things as well.

Since Rachel is opening up and letting her know about Brooke, she guesses that it's not more than fair that she herself spills the beads about Lucas…

Mumbling a quiet "Sorry" for jumping to conclusions, she waits until the redhead nods. Then she takes a deep breath and says:

"Rachel… you know that Lucas has a drinking-problem, right?"

When Rachel lets out a deep sigh, she understands completely. Because she feels the exact same way.

_How do you dream when you can't fall asleep?  
I've been wondering what you're thinking_

"What do you dream about Brooke?" Lucas whispers softly from behind her ear and his breath is hot against the bare skin of her neck.

She sighs. Wonders how they traveled from all the anger and the harsh words into this silent softness. It feels almost unreal and she shivers slightly.

"I don't dream…" she answers quickly and shakes her head.

"Not even at night?"

"No."

She can hear that her voice sounds a little cold but she doesn't want him to know. Not about the sleeping-pills or about the nightmares. Especially not about those. And she knows that he might be talking about her dreams for the future, but she won't let him know how screwed up those have become either. It's enough that she has totally broken apart in front of him the way she had the last hour, and its easier to just stay cold.

But when he sighs and rests his forehead against her shoulder, she can't help but soften.

"How do you dream when you can't even fall asleep?" she mumbles. "Is it even possible?"

He sighs again and holds her a little closer. She's seated in front of him now, between his knees with his arms tightly wrapped around her body, and she vaguely remembers him pulling her into this position just after she broke apart the second time.

They must have stayed down here on the beach for hours now, and through her whole panic attack he had just held her close and kept whispering:

"_I'm here… I'm not leaving."_

It had taken about an hour for the second wave of crying to pass but now she has finally run out of tears. As quickly as they had started, they just stopped falling down her face, and even though her throat is soar now, she can finally take a breath without having it turn into a sob. And it isn't until now that she realizes how quickly they had turned to this physical embrace to find comfort.

After a year and a half of no touching she should be scared as hell, but she's not..

"Do _you_ dream?" she asks, very aware that this is her first real question to him. She can feel him nod and she waits breathlessly until he answers:

"I used to dream every night."

"About what?"

The short pause tells her that he's threading lightly, scared of upsetting her more.

"About you. The accident… And the…"

He trails off and she's thankful. Please don't go there again, she pleads inside her head. And maybe he hears her because he doesn't. Instead he shifts and says:

"Tell me how you feel now Brooke…"

She sighs and leans her head back against him. She's surrounded by the scent of him, by the way he has always smelled, and she wonders if he still uses the same softner and detergent. Then she silently answers;

"I don't know… I haven't felt anything in so long that I guess I'm a bit lost…"

His breath is warm against her temple.

"You have no idea how much I've missed you…" he whispers tiredly. "I've been lost too, believe me, but I never for one second stopped missing you Brooke."

For a moment she contemplates not saying what she's thinking, because suddenly this closeness starts to feel dangerous. But then she realizes that after what had happened last time she decided to keep quiet, she might as well just say it.

"Did you break up with Lindsey because of me?"

Out in the open the words create tension and her voice doesn't sound like it usually does. Her walls seem to have been torn down and it scares her that she can't seem to get them back up fully. At least she manages to avoid his eyes when they're seated like this and she's thankful.

"Mostly, yes."

He swallows and sighs. "But we were never _right_, me and Linds" he continues. "She was a way to pass time and to hide from the truth. And she's known it all along although she might have pretended, or hoped, that we would eventually grow closer…be 'real'…"

His fingers trail invisible patterns on her arm and she concentrates on that instead of on his closeness and his steady heartbeat that it so evident against her back.

"I kind of fell too deep into my own lie though. It got to the point where I had pretended for so long that I didn't still love you, to a point where I thought I was actually happy. And in that way I guess you could say that we broke up because of you… Because the moment I heard that you were coming back I knew that the pretending would have to stop."

She closes her eyes and holds her breath for a second. Pretends that she didn't hear him say _that_ word in the middle of his explanation. And when she breathes out she simply asks:

"Why?"

It's a silly question, but it's the only one safe enough. At least right now.

"Because I could never keep it up with you here" he states. "It would be too hard. And it wouldn't be fair to Lindsey either to keep living a lie when I knew that I would have to face my feelings for you…"

His words trail off yet again, and it is all quiet for a while except for the never ending sound of the wind and waves. She doesn't know what to say and Lucas seems to be lost in his own thoughts. She feels his steady breathing against her cheek and when he finally starts talking again she has actually started to feel safe.

"Do you think that there's still a chance for us Brooke?"

And then she freezes again. There it is. The question she has dreaded ever since she first saw him that afternoon with Lindsey in the park. The question that scares her more than anything.

The leap.

The _plunge_.

"I'm not sure I can answer that..." she whispers, and his hold tightens a little.

"Why?"

"Because what I 'think' and what I 'want' is not the same. And I'm not the same person anymore Luke. I'm not sure that I'll ever be the same person again…"

She expects him to sigh. Expects him to beg or resort to argumentation. But instead she's met by deafening silence.

She tilts her head upwards to look at him and finds him blankly staring ahead. She follows the gaze of his blue eyes and realizes that it's directed at a point far away at the horizon.

"Lucas?" she questions and the sigh finally comes.

"It's not a good enough answer" he mutters. "I deserve a better answer than that, don't you think?"

Feeling her chest tighten up, she nods. Breathes in and thinks. He deserves a better answer. In fact he deserves more than that, but she's not strong enough. Not brilliant or brave. Just broken.

And if she hadn't still been wrapped up in his arms, she might have found the tone of his voice cold. But instead she hears the insecure undertone that she's so familiar with, the sound of someone trying to mask up all remaining hope in order not to get hurt. And she feels for him, she truly does because she feels the same way. It's just so hard.

"Why aren't you angry at me anymore?" she asks in a low voice. "Two hours ago you were yelling at me, and now you want to know if there's a chance for us. What happened in your head?"

He says nothing at first and she bites the inside of her cheek and wants to kill herself for even reminding him about their fight. But even in the long minute of silence he keeps trailing invisible patterns on her arm.

"You said you love me…" he finally says and his voice carries the traits of a cracking surface. "When you talked to Jamie… you told him that you love me."

She nods silently.

She had meant it. She loves him immensely and she has since sometime during junior year in high school. That has never been the problem.

"And I guess that just made me think, Brooke" he mumbles on, cutting off her trail of thoughts. "Most of my anger was misdirected anyways and the sight of you breaking apart like you did… it killed me… All the anger feels so useless…"

He sighs again and for the first time she actually wants to turn and look at him. But she doesn't. Instead she puts her hand on top of his and intertwines their fingers.

"When I said that I was sorry about lying to you, I really meant it Luke…" she says weakly. "I'm sorry for the mess this all turned into, and I'm sorry for not talking to you…"

She breathes in and tries to not let the guilt overtake her. She needs him to understand that she hates herself for everything that's happened and that she'd do it all differently if she had known, starting with that day on the highway…

But she's too broken now, and she can't explain.

He presses a light kiss on her temple and she leans closer into his embrace.

"It's not that I don't love you…" she whispers. "I love you so much that it hurts. And you do deserve a better answer Luke. You deserve the perfect answer, and that's why I'm not sure what to tell you. You don't know what you'd be getting yourself into, okay?"

"Then tell me" he pushes her. "Tell me what to expect…"

If she'd had any tears left she would have cried again at that point. Lucas has his own problems and with the information she had gotten from Nathan about Lucas' drinking, he should be focusing on fixing himself. But how ever much she wants to cry, her eyes are strangely dry as she says;

"I'm damaged. _Broken_. Maybe even beyond repair. I mean, I work around 20 hours a day, I don't sleep, and when I do, Rachel has to wear earplugs so that my nightmares won't keep her awake. I have no social life, I'm always hunted by the media and I spend my free time running…"

"From what?"

She laughs dryly, feeling a pain in her chest. And even though she does know, she still answers:

"No clue… but I do it either on the treadmill or on the beach for at least an hour every morning. Apparently I even sleepwalk, at least according to Rachel…"

The wind grabs a lock of her hair and she impatiently pushes it behind her ear.

"Did you ever think about me?" he mumbles, and it almost makes her laugh.

"Every day."

There hasn't been a single day during the last year that he hasn't invaded her mind. Every day she's had to force herself not to think about him. That was after all the reason she had started working so hard in the first place.

To forget.

"I always thought you were happy…" he sighs and he sounds so sad. "I've followed your life in the tabloids and I really thought that you had moved on. I mean, there was that Tony-guy, some footballer I think. And I clearly remember the full spread about you and Channing Tatum. Before that you dated that model… what was his name?"

"Nicholas…"

"Yeah, the media thought that you would marry him… Haley said she had even met him."

She sighs and massages her temples.

"It was all fake. PR-stunts to keep the press off my real personal-life. Rachel arranged it all. She got the perfect dates for me to every event that needed one and I nicely went along with it, as long as she didn't push me to keep the charade up for longer then a couple of weeks."

As the silence falls over them again she can feel his eyes on her. She knows he's hesitating and she braces herself.

"So what about Jeremy…" he finally asks, sounding tired. "Rachel told me he was just a cover-up story too. Why did you lie?"

Why had she lied? When she thinks about it now it all feels so ridiculous. Just like the waves crashing against the sandy beach-line a feet away, the lies just kept unfolding.

"I guess it was just the first name that popped up in my head when Peyton asked me that night at the restaurant… I just needed an alibi. I was so scared that she would find out when you acted so weird, and then I tried to tell her about what you and I had done, and I guess she got it all wrong. She assumed I talked about Jeremy when I was really talking about you…"

He frowns. Sighs and shakes his head.

"Another misunderstanding…"

"It looks like it…"

The silence between them is longer this time, and she wishes that he'd somehow confirm what she had told him. Give any type of reaction that shows her that he has understood what she is trying so hard to say.

"I always thought that you were happy too" she mumbles. "You never called and at first I just figured that you had gone back to Peyton. But then Nathan told me about Lindsey and I really tried to feel happy for you…"

He breathes out tiredly.

"I never wanted leave, remember? You told me to leave Brooke, so I figured that was what you wanted, but I never _wanted_ to go…"

She closes her eyes and takes a chance, realizing that she might upset him, but she has to ask.

"Was that why you started drinking?"

He says nothing. She can feel him tense up a bit and the colder wind seeps in between them. But then he clears his throat and totally ignores her question.

"Maybe you're not my cheery flirty girlfriend from high school, Brooke…" he says. "But it doesn't matter because I don't want her."

Her heart stops beating in her chest. All her fears from the last 18 months are coming true and she chokes up. At least until then he adds:

"I'm not the same boy either, and I'd much rather start over fresh with you."

_I've been wondering what you're thinking  
And if you liked my dress tonight_

It's after seven o'clock in the evening when Rachel gets back to the hotel where she and Brooke are staying. She feels worried and the lack of news about where the hell Brooke and Lucas are at the moment is making her angry at her best friend at the same time as scared. Brooke should know that she was flipping out right now and she could at least call.

And when she gets out of the elevator at the top floor, her mood gets even worse.

Because leant towards the doorframe stands a tall dark haired guy from her past, and he is seriously the last person on the planet that she wants to see right now.

"Owen…"

He looks up and smiles, but it shrinks a little when he sees that she's alone. Hands dug deep in his pockets he stands up straight.

"Hi Rachel…"

She snorts out an irritated "Great!" and walks past him to open the door. He follows and once she has the door ajar she turns to him again.

"Where do you think you're going?"

He looks boyishly confused and even slightly hurt.

"I was supposed to meet you and Brooke here at seven. Dinner, remember?"

No, she doesn't remember, because she hadn't known. Stupid Brooke! Her friend is seriously pissing her off with this obsession of getting herself and Owen back to being friends, but because of her own slip-up to Lucas a week ago, she can't really yell at Brooke about this. So she had silently endured Brooke's endless questioning, but going behind her back like this? God…

"I'd say dinner is cancelled. Brooke is busy elsewhere so you can just leave."

Her voice is cold and she walks into the room, but when she tries to close the door in his face, Owen's foot is blocking the path.

"Rachel…"

His voice is begging and sighing loudly she lets go of the door and flings her hands out in frustration.

"What Owen? Seriously! What do you want?"

"Can we talk?"

To her, there is nothing to talk about. But the day has been too long, too stressful, and with the added worry from her talk with Haley, she really doesn't have the energy to argue. She simply walks away from the door and into the big living room of the suite, and she can hear Owen follow behind her.

Why couldn't the stupid guy leave her alone?

"Look!" she says harshly when she reaches the balcony. "I've had a really crappy day and I have enough right now with worrying about Brooke. So can you just say whatever it is that you want off your chest and then leave? I have stuff to deal with!"

Owen doesn't really seem all that put off by her angry outburst. Instead he looks at her curiously and says;

"What's wrong with Davis? She in trouble?"

For a second she contemplates telling him to just forget about it and fuck off. But then she thinks of something.

"You work in a bar, right? At Tric?"

He nods, looking confused.

"So you've probably served Lucas Scott a couple of times?"

He nods again, this time sitting down on the edge of the couch. "Yeah, lately a lot of times… Why? You're saying that I shouldn't because the dude has an alcohol-problem?"

"You knew?!"

Furious she gives him a look that could kill and stomps off towards the kitchen-island. What the fuck was wrong with people today? She rips open the refrigerator-door and grabs a bottle of water and when she turns around, Owen is standing right behind her.

"Of course I fucking knew Rach. I'm a bartender, and if a guy comes in every night for over two months, drinking his freaking body-weight in whiskey, and then doesn't show up again for a year, then I'd say anyone can figure that out…"

She looks at him stubbornly and sips her water, more than a little uncomfortable with having him so close. It's been years but it's still weird.

"And did you tell Brooke?"

"No of course not. Because I didn't know until he came running into Blue Post with you, yelling his damn lungs out, that it was the same dude. ID-control is at the door, remember? Not in the bar…"

She gets ready to yell again but then her cell phone goes off and she pushes past Owen to get to her purse. Quickly getting the cellular out, she looks at the display.

_Lucas Scott._

"Hello?"

It's Brooke and for a second she just breathes out. Listens while her brunette friend tells her that she is fine and on her way back to the hotel. She asks if she is still with Lucas and Brooke says yes. The blonde boy is still with her and they're taking his car. And suddenly Rachel almost finds herself asking 'Is he sober?'

When she hangs up and tiredly leans against the table, Owen makes his presence known by placing a hand on her shoulder and she flinches. Shrugs him off.

"Brooke can hold her own, Rach" he says. "Give it a break…"

"Why are _you_ even talking? Didn't I tell you to shut up? Just go Owen!"

She wants him out, wants to be alone and try to make sense of this weird day. But the guy is like a freaking leach.

"Come on… Don't be a bitch… I'm just saying that Brooke is a strong girl. She'll be fine. I bet you that she'll come back in here laughing."

He shrugs boyishly and she huffs.

"Look Owen, you don't _know_ Brooke, okay? I don't know what you two have been doing and you might think that she and you are really close and chummy, but newsflash; It's fake! Brooke is not as strong as you think!"

What the hell was he thinking? That Brooke was some bubbly cheerleader? Because that was long ago. Almost as long as it had been since she last called Owen 'boyfriend'.

"That's not what I was saying…"

"No? Then what were you saying Mac? Because I still don't know what you're doing here?"

For the first time since finding him in the hallway he looks pissed off. He frowns and gives her a look as if saying 'you gotta be kidding me'.

"So it's _Mac_ now, is it?" he says in an almost mocking voice. "I thought you had repressed the whole 'you and me'-thing?"

And that just makes her snap.

"I'm not even good enough to use your nicknames now? Fine! Fuck off!"

He sighs loudly, and when she turns and tries to walk away from him he says:

"Rachel, are we still doing this?" and she can't help but turn back. He's the one coming here behaving strangely and yet he has the balls to _sigh_ at her?

She puts her hands at her hips and gives him an ice cold look.

"Still doing what?"

"The whole damn 'I'm so insecure, so I'm gonna act all bitchy and nonchalant-routine'…" he says tiredly, looking thoroughly annoyed. "I mean, you look freaking _gorgeous_! You're successful, very well paid too probably. And from what I hear from Brooke, you're an amazing friend… Why can't you just see that there is nothing wrong with you?"

She has no idea what to answer to that so she just stands there, mouth slightly open. And finally he just sighs and turns to walk away. She shouldn't even think about saying something, because it can only make this even messier, but still she hears the words come out.

"If there was nothing wrong with me, then why wasn't I good enough for _you_ Owen?"

He freezes in the middle of a step and slowly turns back.

"You're kidding, right?"

She rolls her eyes. Turns her gaze to the ceiling and silently wonders what the hell has gotten into her. Emotional? Please. She doesn't do emotional, or vulnerable, or insecure. She _doesn't_.

But her tongue betrays her.

"You said you loved me, and you replaced me in _one_ day. I can't have been all that amazing, can I?"

It scares her that her bottom lip trembles. And before she has even given him time to digest what she said, or to find an answer to her question, _she_ walks out. Past him and through the door, leaving _him_ with his mouth slightly open. At least this way she won't have to feel like being abandoned.

_Would you still say you loved me  
Under this ordinary moonlight?_

They're in the car and Lucas watches Brooke out of the corner of his eye. She looks really tired and he guesses that she feels about as drained as he does. It's been a long day and emotionally it's been exhausting for them both.

She looks a little tense every time a car passes close by them and he tries to stay as far to the left of the road as possible. But when a U-Haul truck swooshes by and she actually flinches and squeezes her eyes shut, he reaches over and places a hand on her thigh.

"Brooke… are you okay?"

She seems to snap out of her thoughts and her tense expression softens a little. It pains him that she's still so afraid, because it doesn't take a genius to see that she's reliving the accident, even 19 months after it happened, and he suddenly feels extremely guilty for the times he had driven after drinking, extremely thankful that he chose today to be sober.

"I'm alright…" she mumbles and puts her hand on top of his. "I'm just not that fond of riding in a car… although this is better than midtown traffic in New York. Rachel made them tint the backdoor windows in the limo so I don't have to see it…"

The heat from her palm surges into him and unconsciously he rubs little circles on her skin. And for the first time tonight, he's actually aware of more than the emotional side of her. Suddenly he sees how her short her skirt becomes now that she sits down. He sees her tanned skin and the cleavage of her top.

She has goosebumps and he tries to smooth them out with his touch at the same time as concentrating on the road. Stealing glances of her out of the corner of his eye, while still trying to focus on the road, he asks:

"Are you cold?"

"A little…"

He's getting closer to his own house now and suddenly he gets this weird idea. Today has been overwhelming, not at all turned out the way he had thought. But now that it's all calming down a little, other fears seep in. Brooke will be going back to New York, today has just been a desperate try to fix over a year of heartache for them both, and she has nothing that keeps her here now that her vacation is over. Nothing that reminds her of him…

On an impulse he makes a quick left, onto his own street, and she gives him a questioning look.

"I just need to stop by the house real quick…" he mumbles and suddenly feels too shy to even look at her. "There's something I want you to have…"

Maybe the idea is silly. Maybe she'll even think it's dumb. But it's the only idea he has.

_I'm so afraid of what you'll say…_

_I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving me a second chance_

She hadn't pictured Lucas house like this at all.

As she walks around in the living room she's kind of amazed at how 'empty' it looks. It's almost as if he hasn't really moved in, and yet from what Haley told her, he's lived here for over fifteen months.

There's no plants, no pictures on the walls. No evidence that this is a 'home' other than some stray clothes here an there on the floor.

She doesn't want to intrude and snoop, so while Lucas goes to fetch whatever it was they came for, she simply waits in the unfurnished hallway and about five minutes passes before he suddenly appears in the doorway from his bedroom. It's apparent that he's embarrassed and she wonders why.

He shifts his weight from one foot to the other, looking down at his hands and she curiously follows his gaze. It doesn't even take her a second to see what it is he's holding.

As he clears his throat she asks "Luke?" and he mumbles:

"You were shivering... I thought that this would help... and I know how much you liked it when we were together..."

Something inside her rips open but heals at the same time. As if a bleeding wound suddenly develops a scab.

"I just... I thought that... I don't know..." he continues, rambling like the shy 16-year old boy she once fell in love with. "Here. Take it. I want you to have it..."

She doesn't even know why, but her hands tremble when she reaches for the worn grey hoody he holds out to her. And she doesn't even know what to say. She just opens her mouth and closes it again.

Maybe he sees it, because he finally meets her eyes and steps in so close that she could probably lean her forehead towards his.

"I know you have to go back to New York Brooke" he whispers. "But this way, when you'll wear it, you'll feel me close to you."

It's strangely cheesy. Mushy to a point where it should probably evoke laughter, but to her it's the most beautiful and heartfelt thing he's ever done. And she doesn't even think, she just brings the fabric up to her face and breathes in the smell from it before dropping it to the floor and wrapping her arms around his neck.

One kiss, she thinks. It can't hurt if they share _one_ kiss.

She leans in and he encloses her face in his hands. And she thinks that it'll be slow and gentle and romantic. Like a tiny band-aid for her broken soul. But the instant their lips lock she loses her footing. It feels like the floor disappears and the room spins. And when his hands slide from her cheeks back to tangle in her hair, she grabs his shirt.

She had known that kissing him again would be almost dangerous. The moment they had shared in her hotel room a couple of weeks ago had already shown her that and he had hardly even touched her then. But that it would feel like this, like her knees would give out completely and her heart would explode, that she hadn't expected.

She gasps for air and the sound makes him back up a little so that their lips are no longer touching. Instead he just stands there looking at her. His blue eyes darker than usual, the blond hair messy from the salty sea-winds and from her running her hands through it, and the expression on his face almost as shocked as her own.

And suddenly she can't breathe. It's like the space left between their bodies robs her of her oxygen and she needs to get closer. As if she wants get so close that she can melt into his skin.

"I need you…" she whimpers, and for a second he freezes too. His eyes darken even more and he bites his lip before letting out a shaky breath.

"Say it again."

His voice trembles as he says the three words. She feels as if she isn't close enough to his body, and yet she can feel the vibrations of his low voice rumble against her chest. Without hesitation she repeats herself:

"I need you…"

And in a second he has them turned and her pressed up against the wall behind them. He almost knocks the last wind out of her when her back slams against the doorframe but she doesn't care. Nothing matters except for his body as close as possible to her own.

This was only supposed to be a kiss, but now she needs more.

"Touch me" she begs. "I need to feel you touch me…"

His hands practically rips open her thin shirt, buttons popping and falling to the floor. Somehow his t-shirt comes off and when he presses against her and the skin of his naked stomach touches hers, she hisses.

It feels like a burn. Like a wonderfully painful fire.

"More…"

It's not _normal_, she thinks. It's not _sane_ to crave a person so much for so long that now, when she can finally have it, she's almost scared by her own reactions. She can't control her emotions and she whimpers again and pulls at his belt-buckle.

He lets out a growl from somewhere deep inside of him and his lips are everywhere on the skin of her neck. She grabs a fistful of his hair and squeezes her eyes shut as he sucks her earlobe in between his teeth. And when his leg slides in between hers and pushes against her core, she lets out an involuntary moan so loud that it makes him shiver.

"I can't get… close… enough…" he gets out almost desperately and she lets go of his hair and starts to work on the fly of his jeans. "I need…"

This time she manages to rip it open, and his hands, that have already pulled her skirt up around her waist, are touching her frantically, creating fires everywhere in their wake. Pulls at her as if he wants her to get closer and mold into him completely.

She pushes his pants down and but they're pressed too tightly together for her to really get them off of him. One of his hands gets tangled in her hair and he pulls her head back and crashes his lips on hers. Shoves his tongue into her mouth and when she tastes him she again feels as if her knees will fold and bring her crashing to the floor.

He pulls back. Pants heavily and squeezes his eyes shut.

"We need to… slow…down. It won't…last…"

Last? Fuck last. She _needs_. So she takes. Hooks one leg around his waist to keep him from backing up and rakes her fingernails down his back.

"Don't stop Lucas. Please…"

_I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting over from scratch  
_

His chest heaves violently and he sucks air in between his teeth. He needs to be inside of her. And he needs it now. 23 months of longing and aching and he _can't_ wait any longer.

She's pressed between his chest and the wall and she moans under his lips and hands. Her eyes are closed, her cheeks flushed and those perfect lips parted slightly in that way that makes him never want to stop kissing her.

They're in the hallway of his house, just a couple of feet from the front door. And just like their last time doing this he's about to do her against the wall.

And just like last time he tries to move them to the bedroom. He wants to be better this time because if they do this and she pushes him away again, he'll never recover. He wants to give her everything she deserves. Drag it out, make it perfect and watch her come over and over. Wait until he knows that she's sure.

But then that plead rolls of her lips…

"Don't stop Lucas. Please…"

And he officially loses it.

"God, Brooke…"

Her leg is tightly wrapped around him and he follows her smooth thigh with his palm up to her perfect ass and then inwards. The wetness between her legs doesn't surprise him as much as it makes him go crazy, and the feeling of her pressed so hard against him, soaking through both her own clothes and his, is heaven and hell at the same time.

"…I need you naked…"

"Wait…"

Their movements are frantic like teenagers and she squirms out of her skirt and panties while he hurries to get out of his own jeans. He throws the items of clothing to the side and when he looks up at her again, he gasps. The sight of her is almost too much for him handle.

Her body is almost exactly the way he remembers it. The shapes, the curves, the creamy skin, everything is still there, she's just a little thinner. But the two pink colered lines on her abdomen forces him to look away for a second. Because just the thought of what could have happened still makes him nauseous, even after all this time.

He snaps back into focus when she reaches for him and he places his hands on the wall, one palm on each side of her. Catching her in the space of his arms and looking at her while letting out a deep breath.

"I've dreamt about this for so long… and now I'm almost afraid…"

She leans up and kisses him softly, even brings her hand up and traces his bottom lip with her thumb.

"Why?"

'Because I'm so fucking afraid of losing you again', he wants to say, but instead he whispers.

"Because it's _you_, Brooke… Because I love you _so much_…"

Her eyes fill up with tears and she pulls him roughly towards her. Her kisses become deeper and his hand cradles the back of her head to pull her even closer. It aches everywhere, and he can't keep being gentle, so finally he just grabs her waist and lifts her, brings her thighs up and wraps them around him while pushing her harder against the wall.

She presses into him and he breathes harder focusing on her lips. Her mouth is hot and her tongue against his own is painful bliss.

And then he enters her.

It's been almost two years and the feeling of being inside her almost makes him want to cry. For every time he pushes into her she moans his name. And it sounds like a chant, a raspy and familiar 'welcome home'.

Minutes pass and there's only them existing in time and space. Heat. Touching and tasting. Moving bodies and hard breaths.

Over and over again he wonders why they waited to do this. Why he hasn't been inside of her since the first day she showed up back in Tree Hill. Why he ever stopped being inside of her in the first place.

Then she moans louder, starts to writhe and push herself against him harder, before she comes and clenches her muscles around him in a way that feels so amazing that he cries out against her collarbone and sinks his teeth into her skin.

It takes less than three strokes after that before he follows, and his legs shake violently by the effort to keep the both in an upright position and not falling to the floor.

She pants, trying to regain her oxygen and then she grabs his sweaty face between her palms and forces him to look at her.

Her eyes are so green in that moment, and the light that comes in through the window from the porch-light falls perfectly on her face.

Then she licks her lips and says:

"I love you Lucas"

And the emotions after all this just get to much for him. Like a baby, he just starts crying.

His first tears in a long time…

_I used to think I was special  
And only I have proved me wrong  
I thought I would change the world with a song_

It's silent finally. The only sounds heard are the air-conditioner's soft humming and the light snores coming from Lucas, and Brooke sighs. His head rests in her lap and she absentmindedly plays with his blond hair, thinking that she needs to sleep soon too.

It's been the longest day, and with the emotional breakdown and all, she really should be tired, but surprisingly she's not. Even now, an hour after sliding down the hallway wall with a crying Lucas in her arms, she's not even sleepy.

Rachel still isn't answering her phone and she wonders what the redhead is doing. She guesses that her friend is somewhere with Owen since she thought she had heard him in the back ground before, but he isn't answering his cell either. It surprises her. Last time she spoke to Rachel about the bartender it ended in an hour-long pout from Rachel. Just like she used to pout when her friend pressured her about the blond boy now sleeping on her lap.

Lucas…

She hardly remembers how she got him into the bedroom. He had still been inside of her when he suddenly let his head fall down onto her chest and started crying. Deep sobs had racked his body and first she was shocked. She had only seen him cry twice before. When Keith died and when she woke up after the accident.

This had been different though, and when she realized that that the wetness at her chest came from his tears, she had simple unwrapped her legs from around his body and slid down to the floor, bringing him down with her. Then she just held him, hushed him with a calm voice. And finally he had calmed down.

They had never even discussed whether or not she should stay the night, they had probably just walked in here and lied down. And she must have dosed off for about an hour, but the notion that Rachel waited for her at the hotel had woken her up again.

So she had carefully climbed out of the bed, borrowed Lucas' phone, and then called and called to inform about her whereabouts, but no answer.

Once again she dials the number, and once again she gets the machine. This time she opts to leave a message, and even though she speaks silently, Lucas stirs. Moves and turns his head inwards, towards her belly. Sighs and turns again.

He seems to be dreaming and she wonders about what. His eyes keep moving under his eyelids and she strokes him over the hair.

"I didn't mean to…" he mumbles. "…she can't… I …I wasn't there…"

It's an incoherent mess of words but it's easy to see that it's not a good dream. She feels for him, knowing all too well what its like to be plagued by nightmares.

"Lucas…" she whispers and rubs his arm gently, "it's only a dream…"

The sound of her voice seems to settle him again and he snuggles closer to her. And she carefully picks up the cell phone again and calls Haley's and Nathan's home number.

It's late, closer to midnight, but Nathan answers on the second signal.

"Lucas?"

"No it's Brooke… How are you?"

"Good now… We've been worried about you guys… How are _you_ though?"

He sounds a little tired and she feels guilty. She and Lucas had pretty much destroyed James' birthday party. But as usual he's far too nice to think like that.

"We're fine" she says quietly, not to wake up Lucas. It's an understatement, but he probably knows that and he doesn't protest.

"Did you talk things out with Luke?"

"Yeah."

"I'm glad Brooke… my brother's been a total mess without you…"

She looks down at Lucas again. Studies his familiar features in the dim light and gently touches his face with her free hand. The plump lips that she's kissed so many times in the past. The nose that he broke when he was a kid and that has that weird but kind of cute slope.

And of course the eyes, right now hidden, but it doesn't matter. She knows the color by heart.

"He knows the whole story now…" she whispers to Nathan, but honestly it's more directed to her self. To say it out loud makes it so much more real. Lucas knows it all and he's still with her…

Nathan is silent on the other end and she keeps running her fingers through Lucas' hair. He's stirring again, dreaming, and she just wants to wake him up. Then Nathan finally speaks.

"You know he loves you, right Brooke?"

She doesn't answer.

"Tell Jamie I'm sorry I ruined everything…" she mumbles instead. "Tell him I'll make it up to him soon."

"He's not disappointed. You're his favorite and I doubt there is anything you could do to change that. And that goes for another guy I know too. Just make sure you take care of yourself, okay?"

The big brotherly tone in his voice is back and she smiles.

"I will Nate. And thanks Haley for everything too… You two are my family, you know that, right?."

"Yeah, well I wouldn't want it any other way" he chuckles, and then he stalls. "By the way, Davis… Take care of Lucas too. He's not that strong…"

She hangs up and looks down at the tossing and turning boy that seems to have grown into a man during the last eighteen months, and that still has his head in her lap.

She slept with him.

She loves him.

But she somehow feels like she doesn't know him anymore. And he seems to be hurting so much more than she ever thought. So much that she is suddenly scared that neither of them will ever heal.

_But I have ended up in India  
With no map to guide me home  
The strangest place I think I've ever been_

Lucas wakes up by the sound of his own voice.

His chest feels tight and his heart is beating twice as fast as usual. And breathing rapidly he looks around, at first not even realizing where he is, but then he recognizes his own bedroom walls and he feels Brooke's small hand on his cheek.

"Luke, calm down… it was just a dream. Okay? Nothing is wrong."

Even in the dark he can see that she looks worried and he forces himself to smile and try and control his speeding pulse.

"I'm okay… it's alright…"

It's not true though. The dream that woke him was the most livid one he's had in months. What he had told Brooke on the beach was true, he used to dream horrible dreams during the first month after her accident, but when he moved back to Tree Hill it had almost stopped. In the last six months, the dreams full of death and wreckage had almost turned into a mere memory.

But this dream had been different. This wasn't just the regular nightmare where he got there too late and couldn't save her. This time _he_ had driven the car and Brooke had been in the passenger seat. She had been laughing her usual pearly laugh but when he turned towards her she was bruised and bloody, as if she had been in the crash already. In her arms she held the tiniest baby he had ever seen, and there was no question that the child was dead. He had screamed, had tried to stop the car and get help for Brooke and the baby, but the brakes had just refused to work.

And then her last phrase before he woke up;

"_You killed it…"_

She looks at him now, still stroking his cheek, and he looks away. The dream is still too fresh and even in the darkness he can't look at her beautiful face without being reminded of how it had looked when it was all bruised up.

"I need to tell you something," he almost whispers. "There's something you need to know…"

In the background he can hear the faint ticking of the clock and she nods. Waits.

On her facial expression it's obvious that his words make her feel worried. But after her whole story earlier, the guilt that has been residing in his chest for so long has been awakened, and he can't hold it in anymore. So with a strangled breath he looks down and whispers;

"I prayed for you to lose the baby Brooke…"

She doesn't say anything. She just stares back at him with an expressionless face and for a second he feels almost nauseous. For a second he wants nothing more than to take the words back. But he can't. He has to get it this out. Even if it means that she'll hate him.

"I… When you…"

He stumbles over the words and closes his eyes tightly. Breathes in and almost loses his courage. Brooke is sitting up on the bed beside him and when she moves a little, her face falls completely into the shadows. And without seeing what he imagines is her disappointed expression, he manages to take another deep breath and start over.

"When you were unconscious in the hospital I told both you and God to let the baby go so that you could live… I told you to let it die…"

There. He's said it. And the silence that follows is exactly what he's expected.

He's not sure if its seconds that pass or if it's minutes but when she doesn't say anything, not the tiniest word in return, he feels the fear rise in his chest.

He squirms. Needs to get away. So he finally gets out of the bed, mumbling a trembling; "Fuck this…" and walks out of the bedroom with his head bent in shame. She doesn't stop him and he gets why.

He should never have told her. It was too soon and she would never understand that it had been all he could do at that point. That his fear of losing her had been too great and that the choice then had been simple.

Grabbing his basketball shorts from the couch in the living room and putting them on he then heads for the safety of the kitchen. Without thinking he goes directly to the overhead cupboard by the fridge and brings out the half full bottle of vodka that Haley hadn't poured out the night before. And he has just downed half a glass when he hears the sound of Brooke's footsteps behind him.

Quickly he pours the rest of the fluid down his throat, just to find that extra courage, and then he turns towards her, prepared to see her dressed and ready to leave him again.

But she's not dressed.

And she doesn't look angry.

Instead she stands silently over by the table, only wearing his far too big dress-shirt, and the expression on her face is insecure.

Shouldn't she yell now? Scream at him and tell him that it was his fault because he had wished their baby dead? That he should have saved her, just like he had promised?

"What are you doing, Luke?" she finally asks with a weak voice, and her gaze travels from his face to the glass in his hand. "Why did you just get up and leave? …Are you angry with me?"

Angry with _her_?

"What?"

Confused, he puts the glass down on the counter and longs to refill it. Longs for the burning taste to erase the guilt. But she walks closer and the hesitance in her whole body language makes him leave the bottle where it stands.

She smiles sadly and he's totally lost. How could she not be upset?

"I'm sorry Brooke…" he whispers desperately and she simply stops in front of him and caresses his cheek with her fingertips.

"I'm not mad at you," she says softly. "I heard you back at the hospital. I kept drifting in and out of sleep and I thought it was just a weird dream… but then, when you told me I was pregnant, I figured that it must have been real."

Ashamed he lowers his head, but she cups his face and makes him look at her again. And all he can think about when looking into her eyes is that if she would have died in that accident, then he might as well have died too. Because there would have been no reason to live without her.

"I've _never_ blamed you Luke" she soothes. "_I_ lost control of the car, you weren't even in it. And you were there for me when I needed you, up until _I_ was the one to push you away… It wasn't your fault that I lost the…"

She bites her lip and traps the end of that sentence somewhere in her throat.

'The baby', he wants to say. 'Why can't you just acknowledge that we were supposed to have a _baby_?'

But before he can say anything, she gathers herself and continues.

"You were just worried Luke and I love you for that…"

He tries to interrupt but she puts a finger on his lips to shut him up.

And that's when he finds himself pulling her hand away. And then, without an ounce of hesitation, he simply leans in and kisses her. The weirdest thing is that she makes no resistance. She just molds herself into him as if it was the most natural thing in the world, and then she kisses him back.

This kiss is nothing like the one that initiated the sex earlier. Not rough or needy. Instead it's soft, slow and full of promise. Surprisingly full of love.

And for the first time in over a year and a half he stars to feel whole.

_My stubborn will is learning to bend…_

_I'd like to know if you'd be open to starting over from scratch  
I'd like to know if you'd be open to giving me a second chance?_

* * *

-L-

**Author's note**: A freaking lifetime later and you've finally reached the end of this chapter. I really hope you liked it. ;D And that you'll come back for the next.

**Thank you's**: it's getting repetitive, I know. But every time I just feel this immense need to tell you guys how much every little word you send me means. There are so many of you that put so much time and effort into your reviews that I seriously blush when I open my inbox. And on top of that all the support between the chapters…. Gah! I owe you all this entire story.

Daniel hug I love you… So much. Bri, Ellie, Jules, Chelsea and Allie, you girls spoil me with these wonderful long reviews. You make me insanely happy and I love you all. And Cara, Congratulations to having a girl!

Cami, Cheyenne, Emma, Hil, Loes, Corey, Natalie, Andie and Whitney: Can I just say that I cherish you all? And your reviews? I do!

Era, Shaz, Sara, Sarah, Chebelle, Angela, Katie, Janie, Yana, Emery, Vicky, Greekcat92 and Jem: LOVE, love, love!! You rock. All of you.

Isa, Salma, Lena, Cass, Colleen, BrookenRachel, Rubie, Ali and Bella : I hope you know that I'm so thankful that you're all still here. Thank you!

Onetreehillgirl066, BRUCAS 2007, everyday's a holiday, brucas333, BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE, brookenlucas4eva03, Princesakarlita411, Rachel, brucas3, catcat51092, Brucasss, bibleboymary4ever, Cheery : Thank you, thank you!

Brucas3Naley23, iduntnoe, Lydia, welcome to this story! And Whitneyjill, that thing with Bass was great! :D

And lastly but certainly not least: Stefy… Again: LOVE!


	17. Baby, Can I Hold You

**Author's note**: Hey all. I'm so sorry that this update took so long to get posted. Life (and a new Gossip Girl story) got in between. But it's up now, and although I'm a little scared to disappoint, since the last chapter was received so amazingly, I hope that you all will enjoy. Sadly this is kind of a filler. Personal thank you's are at the bottom, and title and lyrics are from a wonderful song by Tracy Chapman.

* * *

**-**

**CHAPTER 17 ****– Baby Can I Hold You**

**-**

_Sorry  
__is all that you can't say  
Years gone by and still  
words don't come easily  
Like sorry_

It's dark outside and Brooke is standing on a grass covered hill, looking down at an engraved stone. Around her it's silent, eerie even, and she closes her eyes for a second. She doesn't want to be here. She wants to turn back and run. But as always her feet are cemented to the ground and the words on the stone tries to tell her something.

She doesn't need to look down at her hands. Even without looking she knows what she'll see. She'll see blood. Clear liquid red covering scraped knuckles and bruised skin.

And she knows that she's holding a blanket.

There's no logic for the soft piece of fabric. Someone who was never born wouldn't have had a blanket like this. Yet it's there, and it's as covered with red as her own hands are. She wants to let it fall to the ground but every time she tries, she feels a pressure in her chest as if she's loosing her ability to breathe, and finally she stops trying.

And then the setting changes around her. White walls close in and there are voices. Voices telling her that it's over and that she's alone.

She looks down at her hands and they're clean now. Healed. And she's not holding the blanket. Instead she's covering her belly with her palms and even though she still knows exactly what to expect, she slowly lifts them. Finds the hole she already knew would be there, and for a second she looks into her own insides, searching for the thing she knows that she won't find.

"Where's Lucas?" she asks into the silent dark room, and her voice comes bouncing back in a strange echo. "Is he here?"

"He's dead" someone answers although she can't see a face. "He died on impact, just like _her_…"

Strangely she doesn't scream. She usually does. This time her mouth opens but there's no sound coming out. Instead there's a new feeling, the feeling of something warm and salty running down her cheeks.

She gasps for air and tries to raise her hands to wipe it away, but she can't. Something is holding her back. Pinning her down.

"Let go of me!" she yells out with silent words. "I want to go to him… I need to see him…"

Wriggling to get away she braces herself for the crash that's about to come. It's going to re-play itself soon, it always does. The truck and the railing, the screeching tires, the bended metal and the blood. The pain.

The pain and the feeling of losing something so terribly important without being able to hold on.

But the crash doesn't come.

Instead the feeling of being enveloped in a tight hold becomes stronger and the warm liquid keeps running down her cheeks. Could it be blood? No, strangely enough it felt more like tears.

And then, from somewhere in the outskirts of the darkness, she hears fleeting words.

"I've got you… You're safe Brooke… I'm here…"

**-l-**

"I'm here baby…"

He keeps repeating the words over and over while holding the kicking and crying Brooke close to his chest. And slowly her arms stop trying to hit him and her legs stop kicking his shinbones. She gasps for air and the inaudible sobs turn to hiccupping breaths.

"Calm down Brooke… I'm here…"

He has no idea what she's dreaming about but for the last minutes she's been repeating his name again and again, sounding heartbreakingly desperate, and he figures that he should let her know that she never needs to search for him again. Not even in her dreams. He plans to sleep like this every night from now on, pressed closely against her naked skin.

That is if she'll let him.

"Lucas?"

Her eyes suddenly snap open and she breathes his name out for a second time in a helpless-sounding voice. "Luke?"

"I'm right here. I've got you baby… It's a bad dream, but I'm here now."

Her facial expression contorts in pain as if she remembers something, before relief washes it away. Her palm cups his cheek and she mumbles "Thank god…"

And the moment she exhales and buries her head against his chest, randomly kissing any skin she can reach, then the fear of being rejected evaporates. The fear that she would wake up and regret what had happened before they fell asleep, or even worse, that he would wake up alone.

A couple of seconds ago she had fought to get away from him, but suddenly she clings to him in an almost desperate manner. He holds her closer than ever possible and keeps running his hand up and down her naked back in steady calming motions.

The hot lips pressed against his neck and torso slow down in their pace before finally staying still somewhere at his left collarbone, and then her breathing slowly evens out. He keeps soothing her until he's sure she's back to sleep and he doesn't loosen his grip around her body.

Then he presses a kiss against her hair, and before closing his own eyes, he whispers one last time:

"I'm not leaving you Brooke… I'm not leaving…"

_But you can say baby  
Baby can I hold you tonight  
Maybe if I told you the right words  
At the right time _

_you__'d be mine_

Brooke wakes up by the ringing of a cell-phone and she instantly reaches for it, thinking that it's hers. But as soon as her fingers close around it she realizes that it's Lucas', and seeing that its Rachel's number flashing on the display she instantly remembers last nights endless efforts of trying to get in touch with the redhead.

She answers and groans a tired "Where the hell are you?" into the receiver and she's not at all prepared for the male voice answering on the other end.

"Hi Brooke. I didn't wake you, did I?"

It's Owen, and she dizzily looks around in the sunny bedroom for a way to find out what time it is. The alarm-clock on the nightstand shows 11 am but it has to be incorrect. She hasn't slept passed 6 am since… well, not since the accident.

"Hey O… what's up?"

She yawns and stretches, and with her free hand she reaches back and runs her fingers through the head of blond hair behind her. Lucas sighs in his sleep and pulls her closer whit the arm that he still has draped around her waist.

And then she remembers. Before Owen has a chance to answer, she adds

"Is Rachel with you?"

He sighs out a tired "Yeah…" and she breathes out. Not that Rachel can't take care of herself but it had been weird that the redhead didn't answer last night. Especially since Rachel had sounded so worried when she called and said she was coming home.

"I saw that you called about a million times last night." Owen continues. "I just wanted to call and let you know that she's sleeping off a hang-over based on about 20 tequila shots. I mean, you must have been worried when you came back and she wasn't in your hotel room…"

"She's not at the hotel? Then where is she?"

"Where are _you_?

"What do you mean?"

Now he sounds curious and she curses inwardly. Since she still doesn't know what last night meant, she had wanted to keep her whereabouts a little on the down low. But Owen isn't stupid.

"Well, you not having noticed that Rachel didn't come back must mean that you never did either? You're with Lucas, right? I mean since it's his phone I'm calling."

"Uhm…"

As if subconsciously knowing that they're talking about him, Lucas sighs out her name in his sleep and runs a hand up her ribcage. She draws a breath and Owen chuckles.

"Busted, Brooke… Wow, you lie almost as badly as Rachel."

"So you guys are friends now?" she asks, ignoring his question and tries not to focus on the wandering hand on her skin. The one that makes her shiver lustfully and feel nervous at the same time. "…Rachel seemed pretty mad at you."

"She still is. But I couldn't really let her wander around freely, being drunk off her ass, right?"

"No."

Lucas' hand stops right below her left breast and she finds herself arching a little to make him move higher. "I'm glad she's safe" she mumbles. "Although I bet you had something to do with her getting drunk in the first place…"

Shifting in the sheets she puts her hand on top of Lucas' and intertwined her fingers with his. Just feeling him touch her skin in his sleep makes her unfocused. "Well, tell her to call me once she wakes up, will you Owen? And give her orange juice, she always craves that when she's hung over. Maybe that way she won't beat you up when she comes to. "

"Thanks."

She hangs up and turns around to face the sleeping man next to her. Rubs his cheek and wonders what it'll be like when his blue eyes open and sees her. She's still a bit ashamed over how she acted when he woke her from her nightmare last night. And when she trails her fingers down his jaw and notices the red scratch-mark on his neck, she feels even worse, because she's pretty sure that it hadn't happened when they had sex.

"Lucas?" she mumbles, and he moves in his sleep. It's weird how lying beside him like this can feel so natural. She had woken up several times last night and every time he had patiently held her, kissed her and hushed her back to sleep. But now its daylight, the protecting shadows long gone, and maybe things are about to change.

"Luke?..."

This time his eyelashes flutter. Blue eyes squint and close before opening once more. His hand that's been securely placed at her lower back slides down over her butt and down along her thigh before he probably realizes what he's doing and looks kind of remorseful.

Her heart sores.

"Good morning…" she murmurs and inches closer to show that she's okay with the close intimate contact, and he looks relieved.

"I'd say great… a great morning."

His hand moves up again and then he grabs hold of her and lazily pulls her up on top of him before reaching up to capture her lips. She greedily meets them and savors the taste for a minute before sitting up slightly. The sheet falls off of them but she doesn't care. She's in Lucas' bed, straddling his naked body and the early summer sun draws lines over his face through the blinds.

This is almost like a dream and she bites her lower lip hard, just to make sure she won't wake up in the middle of it all, alone back in her bed in New York. Just to make sure that a big truck won't come crashing through the bedroom wall or that a tiny blanket will suddenly appear in her hands.

And maybe he sees the quick change on her face when she thinks about the dreams, because he sits up too, still with her across his lap, and tangles his hands in her hair.

"Hey…" he says softly. "Where did you go?"

She doesn't answer. Instead she kisses him again and he willingly lets her. Kissing is so much easier than talking, and when the memory of the dreams tries to push through, the closeness of his skin makes it all feel better.

That is until a crash and a shrieking voice makes her jump five feet into the air.

"Jesus! Why do you guys _always_ have to do this!?"

Haley.

She takes a deep breath and tries to steady her racing heart. Lucas pulls the sheet up over them and mutters "Hales… man with heart condition, remember?" which in turn has Haley blurt out;

"Hey! Friend with a damaged eye-sight, okay?

And that's when she bursts out in laughter. She just can't help it. Because when she turns her head and sees Haley standing in the doorway, blushing like a tomato and covering her eyes with the rolled up morning newspaper, she's reminded of all the times of the past when their friends walk in on them in the throws.

Lucas chuckles too and before she knows it they're both shaking with laughter, all the previous tension dissolving.

She's still aware of the closeness of his naked body on hers, the way his muscles twitch when he laughs and even that he still has an obvious erection. But she feels no stress now, because his hands still lazily graces her under the cover and it reassures her that what happened last night was meant to be more than just sex, for him as well.

Finally even Haley smiles and sighs;

"You two are incorrigible. Can you please get dressed now? I'll just wait in the kitchen..."

Lucas groans in playful disappointment and sticks his tongue out to Haley who, before she walks out of the room, adds "I got to give it to you though… You guys look freaking adorable when you make out."

**-h-**

While waiting, Haley has made coffee, and she's leaning against the kitchen counter when Brooke and Lucas finally come into the room. They're not really dressed. Lucas has pulled on a pair of sweats and Brooke is wearing one of his over-sized t-shirts. But at least it's better than having to watch them being sprawled all over each other in bed, nude.

Just like when they were kids, Brooke stumbles straight for the coffee and she hands the brunette an already prepped mug. She can see Lucas smile knowingly and it warms her heart to see him look at Brooke this way again. Look at her as if every little thing she does is the most adorable thing in the world and as if he has to control himself to not reach out and pull her in for a kiss.

It's been a long time…

"I figured that the two of you had cleared everything up when you didn't come back last night, but I have to say that this is even more than I dared to hope for" she says and smiles at the way Lucas pulls Brooke down onto his lap. The difference from how they've acted towards each other the last couple of months is enormous. Looking at them now, she'd say that they've never been apart. And the smiles gracing her friends faces warm her heart.

Brooke sips her coffee and plays with Lucas' hair.

"I'm so sorry for yesterday, Hales…" she says and looks guilty. "We meant to come back… We never meant to disappear all night."

Lucas puts his hand over Brooke's on the coffee mug and brings it up to his mouth to take a sip, too lazy to get his own, or maybe just happy to share hers.

"Yeah, and I _really_ didn't mean to make Jamie sad…" he adds. "I'm gonna come over later and explain to him."

She shakes her head and pours a mug which she hands to him, knowing that they'll both need coffee for what she's about to show them. Then she takes a sip from her own steamy cup.

"No need, champ" she says. "Jamie has been talking about you two non stop since yesterday and seeing you two smile at each other will be enough for him, believe me."

Brooke blushes slightly and looks at Lucas, and he bites his lip and smiles back before kissing her. God, they look like crushed out teenagers, she thinks. Or more specifically; they look exactly as Brooke and Lucas are supposed to look. That's why she feels almost bad when clearing her throat and interrupting them again.

"Hey guys…" she says and wills them to break apart the kiss. "Regardless of what you might think, I didn't come over simply to break up your make out sessions or to make you decent coffee… Nathan, Jamie and I were hoping that you wanted to go to the beach with us."

Brooke instantly lights up and claps her hands in excitement, reminding so much of her younger self that Haley has to laugh.

"I'm gonna call Rachel and Owen" the brunette happily exclaims. "Maybe Bevin, Skills and the baby wants to come too?"

Lucas, in turn, just wraps his arms tighter around Brooke and even with the distance between the kitchen table and the counter towards which she's leaning, she can clearly hear him whisper;

"I'm just dying to see you in your bikini…"

And when Brooke mumbles back "I bet you do, baby…" and accompanies her raised eyebrow with a teasing smile, then Haley finally starts to feel it.

The relief of having it all go back to normal.

_Forgive me  
Is all that you can't say  
Years gone by and still  
Words don't come easily  
Like forgive me  
Forgive me_

Rachel wakes up by the sound of someone talking and she looks around, feeling disoriented. She can't recognize her surroundings and her head feels like it's going to explode. Her throat is dry like the Sahara dessert and there's a well-known after-taste of tequila in the back of her mouth.

It doesn't take her more than a couple of seconds to connect the voice to the guy standing in the doorway. And even if the voice hadn't given him away, she'd recognize those broad shoulders and that head of brown hair anywhere.

Owen.

She sighs and rubs the sleep out of her eyes, and if she wasn't sure that she looked like crap before, then seeing the mascara that's rubbed off on her knuckles surely seals the deal. Looking down she recognizes yesterdays clothes, and she sighs out in relief when she can at least rule out 'sleeping with her ex' as the reason for waking up in this unknown apartment. Then Owen finally hangs up and turns towards her, and she groans:

"Where the hell am I and what are you doing here?"

He gives her a look as if to say 'don't be silly' before muttering; "My place. And hopefully you've slept of the worst of your bitchiness. At least that was the intention."

She just stares back at him coldly.

"Fuck you."

"Oh, really? Last night it was more the other way around… I distinctly recall you begging me to fuck _you_ then. But I was a gentleman, you don't have to worry…"

On the inside she boils. Wants to get up and punch the nonchalant look off of his face. But her headache is pounding and she's somewhere very aware of that he's telling the truth. She was drunk as hell last night, but she still remembers bits and pieces.

Especially the part where she had been clinging to him as a drowning person in the elevator up to this very apartment.

"You better have been…" she mutters between clenched teeth. "Otherwise I have to call pest control on myself… Who the hell knows where you have been…"

There. The level has been set.

She's sober now and there is no room for nostalgia or emotion. This guy has seen too much of _her_ already. And there is only one person who's allowed to see those sides of her. Brooke.

Owen sighs and rolls his eyes, but she ignores it. Even though she wants to keep throwing insults, she calls a truce for the sake of her friend, and she forces her voice to sound softer when she asks;

"So… what about Brooke? Is she alright? Is she at the hotel?"

"No, apparently she's at Lucas' house… She stayed there last night."

She sits up a little more and rubs her temples, feeling mixed emotions when hearing his answer. More than anything she wants her brunette roommate to be happy, but the information received from Haley yesterday, and the way Brooke had fallen apart, it all contributes to the worried feeling in her stomach. She's feeling slightly nauseous even, although that could be the hang-over.

"Did she sound okay?" she mumbles, and Owen nods.

"Yeah… actually she sounded more than okay. But she was a little worried about _you_. When I think about it, maybe you two need to loosen up a bit? You act like the regular married couple around each other…"

He smirks, but behind that there's a more insecure expression. And he shuffles his weight from his left foot to his right. In the over-sized t-shirt and vintage jeans, he looks so much like his high school-self that it's scary.

"Well, as I said last night…" she drawls out as if he's a small child. "She's not as tough as she looks, and that broody blond has been known to break her before."

Slowly she gets out of the couch and tests her legs. It feels as if her head is about to explode. And when he holds out his hand, revealing two Tylenols, she almost forgives him.

Almost.

She says nothing. Just takes the tablets and the glass of water he offers her. Then she walks towards what she thinks is the hallway, set on leaving as fast as possible.

"Rachel…"

His voice is soft behind her. Pleading even, but she doesn't turn. And when he does it again, a small shiver runs down her spine.

"Chelle… please stay so we can talk…"

This time she turns and looks at him. "Chelle? I though you said old nicknames were off limit?"

He looks a little taken off guard, as if he himself wasn't aware of what he was saying. And then he frowns. Takes another step towards her.

"Why did you leave?" he says, looking determined. "I need to know what you meant last night when you said that I 'replaced you'. I met Sarah over a year after you moved…"

"Who the hell is Sarah?" she mutters back while searching the crowded hallway for her Versace sling-backs. "I was talking about Maddie. The bimbo that dated your cousin, remember?"

She turns to him and he wears a confused expression on his face. The shoes she's looking for dangles from his right hand and she snatches them from him with an annoyed huff.

"Madeleine Andrews? What are you talking about Rachel?"

He stutters and she sighs. The tone in his voice makes her feel as if he knows exactly what she's talking about. And just when she's about to tell him to drop the act because his cheating ass can just go to hell, then her cell phone rings loudly in his other hand.

"Give me my fucking phone!" she snaps and he hands it to her without hesitation. She answers it, and when she hears Brooke's unusually cheery voice on the other end, she lets out a breath she didn't even know she was holding.

"Are you okay?" she asks tiredly, before listening to a longwinded ramble about a sweater, sleeping with Lucas, and something about Haley. Brooke doesn't say it, but she can clearly hear that her friend is nervous and scared and excited at the same time.

She stands there in the hallway, hoping that Brooke will tell her that she and Lucas talked it all out. That the blond Scott-brother has managed to do what both herself and Nathan have failed with the last year and a half. But instead Brooke asks her something totally unexpected.

"The beach?" she answers, feeling perplexed. "You want to go to the _beach_?"

And when she hangs up seconds later she just glares at the brown-haired man standing beside her.

"Grab your trunks…" she mutters and tries to cure her headache with pure will.

"What?"

"We're going to the beach."

He looks even more confused and the wrinkles on his forehead make her think of past times.

"You want me to come with you?" he asks and the irritation still pools in her chest. "But we…"

If she lets him finish, they'll get stuck in another argument. They'll venture into a discussion she honestly doesn't know if she's ready for. Because opposed to Brooke, she doesn't want to go back in time. She doesn't want second chances or rekindled high school romance. But she wants to oblige her broken friend.

"_Brooke_ wants you to come" she snaps harshly. "And for some damn reason that I can't even explain, I'd do anything for her today, okay?"

He just nods, and when he walks back into the living room, she goes back to gathering her stuff. Then she mutters, "Just please tell me you're not a spandex-guy…"

_I love you  
Is all that you can__'t say  
Years gone by and still  
Words don't come easily  
Like I love you _

_I love you_

It's a beautiful day. Blue skies, warm breeze… and with a temperature of about 80 degrees in the shadow, Haley had been completely right. It's a perfect day to spend at the beach.

And today when Lucas drives down towards the strip of sand where they all share so many childhood memories, Brooke doesn't seem half as stiff as she had done in the car last night. Today she's yapping along happily about how great it's going to be to all hang out and about Rachel needing plenty of sun to cure a hang-over. He listens. Nods and laughs in the right places and asks the right things to make her keep going. Because just seeing her like this, with her bare feet up on the dash-board and her long dark hair blowing from the breeze of the open window, makes him almost lose his breath.

He wants her to keep talking like this forever. God, he's missed those dimples, missed her smile and laughter and the sound of her raspy voice. And even though he still feels a bit disappointed about getting cut off in bed by Haley, this is almost better. Because having her sit beside him like this is almost normal.

Several times during just this short car ride, he's about to blurt out that he loves her, just in the middle of one of her rambles. But even though he told her a million times last night, he chickens out today. The sunlight, the normalcy of driving to the beach to meet their friends and the brilliant smile on her face… all of it is too good to possibly ruin with the seriousness of the three words. Which is also why he doesn't push her about her bad dreams.

'Later…' he thinks and turns left in the roundabout down by Flag Street. All he wants now is to keep this amazing feeling.

"I can't wait to see Jamie swim in the sea" Brooke suddenly exclaims and pins some of her chocolate strands of hair behind her ear. "I've seen him try it in the pool, but I bet he'll love this so much more with the waves…"

"I bet he'll swallow half the Atlantic Ocean."

She laughs, asking "Why?" and he unconsciously reaches out and puts a hand on her thigh, craving to touch her. "Because he's probably just like his _Godmother_" he says and feels his face stretch in a wide grin. "He'll be talking while swimming and you _know_ what happens when you do that… Jeez Brooke, how many times did I have to save you senior year? A hundred? Five hundred?"

When she leans into his touch and her eyes even leave the road to meet his instead, he feels like the moment is almost unreal.

The green flecked with gold turns a little more serious and her hand rests on top of his on her leg.

"You saved me again, you know…" she says softly, and her thumb graces his skin. "You saved me yesterday, Luke…"

Even though her comment makes him happy, his soaring heart also plummets into his stomach. Because with saying that, she makes it even more clear that there was a time when he didn't save her. A time when he really should have.

And even in this perfect moment, even with her dimples and the sun and the nearing beach, it just hurts so fucking much that he can't go back in time and do it all right.

**-b-**

The salty breeze and the sun on her skin makes Brooke think about the time she spent in Cabo. It feels almost ridiculous when she realizes that only nine weeks have passed since Mexico and that the months before that even happened. In March, she had been numb. Closed off and tired. And since then she had had her most well-kept secret spilled, her walls broken and her life even more upside down than before.

Now, with Lucas' hand securely in hers, she has to force herself to remember that only two days ago she had felt completely alone. Now, with the warm sand under her feet and the sound of Jamie's laugh in the distance, even the nightmares feels like a distant memory.

"I can't believe that we're walking like this…" she says and looks up at Lucas. His shades cover his eyes but he smiles when he nods.

"I know pretty girl… It's almost surreal."

He squeezes her hand tighter and she's surprised to feel it tremble.

"Pretty girl…" she whispers. "God, that feels like a life time ago."

Nathan yells something and she shades her eyes with her hand and watches the dark haired man throw his son high in the air. For some reason it makes her want to laugh and cry at the same time.

The day is exactly what she needs. But she can't help but feel scared as well. What if this was all a dream? What if she'd wake up tomorrow and Lucas had changed his mind? It had after all happened before. It just makes her so terribly worried that just his presence makes her feel more 'whole' than in almost two years, and that he now carries their entire faith in his hands.

They walk slowly down the beach towards the ice cream stand, passing the place where he once built the bond-fire for her. Memories flash by; vivid images of him swinging her around playfully and chasing her out into the waves.

As if reading her mind he pulls her closer and says; "Please don't tell me you want to date me un-exclusively… I don't think my heart can handle that again."

She giggles, and the slight sadness creeps away. "I'll give you exclusive if you give me a piggy back ride" she retaliates and winks. "What do you say?"

For a second he pretends to contemplate it, but then, out of the blue, he just grabs her by the waist and hoists her into his arms.

"I'll show you piggyback-ride…" he chuckles and sets off towards the beach-line, and she loves him even more for understanding that she needs to keep the moment light and fun. She squeals and fights to get out of his grip, but he just laughs and drops her straight into the cold waves.

"Lucas Scott!" she barks playfully when she finally manages to spit out all the salty water. "Jeez! Now I have to…"

She doesn't get any further because his lips crash onto hers, capturing them in a deep kiss that steels her breath away and make her knees weak. Then he pulls back, and just as she sees Rachel and Owen join Haley over by their towels, he grabs her hand and says:

"Come on. I have an idea…"

**-n-**

"Hey B…" Nathan calls when he sees Lucas and Brooke come walking back towards them. "Jamie's been looking for you. He wants to show you his sea-shells."

Brooke smiles and instantly calls for Jamie who's running back and forth in the water line, and his eyes shift to what she and Lucas are carrying. Between them they have an ice-box full of cold beers and soda. And when he looks up at Lucas, he realizes that his brother already has an open beer in his other hand.

For a second his eyes meet Lucas' and there is a short mental battle.

"_You're not supposed to drink__, man…."_

"_It's just a beer."_

"_I said; you're not supposed to fucking drink."_

"_Just get off my back, god damn it!"_

Then his son is suddenly on the blanket beside him and Brooke is squatting down, saying: "I'd love to see your sea-shells, baby. But come here and have a soda first. You wanna come sit on my lap?"

Jamie is on his feet and in Brooke's arms in seconds and Lucas laughs and magically retrieves an ice cream from the cooler. There's no signs of regret on his brother's face, just love for the brunette girl that's sitting on the sand next to him.

And for second he almost feels as if he's being wrong with still worrying about little things like this. Little things like the cold Budweiser that is already almost empty in his Lucas' hand, or the way his brother suddenly seems much more relaxed.

"Guys, Jamie hasn't had lunch yet…" he hears himself mutter, strangely sounding very much like his wife, but the comment is for deaf ears because Jamie is already pealing off the wrapper.

It's somewhat of a 'stuck in limbo'-feeling. Because Brooke, the girl that he has grown to see almost as a sister over the years, actually looks happy for the first time in forever. With his son on her lap, and Lucas' arm draped around her shoulders, she's practically beaming. And his brother, who's been a complete mess most of the time in the past year and a half, is actually laughing.

But at the same time he worries that this is all a façade. That things are moving a little too fast and that he can't really keep up with this new development between Brooke and Lucas. Memories from the past eighteen months keeps popping up in his head. Lucas drunk at a police station. Haley crying because Brooke refused to take her calls, Brooke skinny and pale as a ghost since food didn't interest her and she didn't even leave the house other than for work…

And for the first time he feels like these last 18 months has passed in a quick blur. It felt like yesterday when he went back up to New York to try and pick up the pieces of Brooke while Haley fought to straighten out his brother. Now, the brunette girl and blond guy in front of him seem like totally different people than they were just yesterday afternoon. To compare with how it all was right after the accident was almost too weird…

_It was day 21 of Brooke's rehab-regimen and __he had been in the 'gym' with her for about forty minutes. Although after having been back with her in New York for two days, Nathan wasn't naïve enough to actually believe that Brooke had followed the program he had set up for her for that long. Actually he would say that this was probably closer to day 9 or 10. _

_Rachel had been calling him regularly in the past two weeks and he knew that as soon as he left Brooke's apartment after the initial 6 days he had spent there, she had gone straight back to her way of just staying in bed and staring into the wall. As long as he wasn't there to push her, she simply didn't give a damn. And last week, when he stopped by between games, she hadn't been that different._

_Truthfully though, he wouldn't have needed Rachel's secret late-night calls to know that Brooke had done nothing of what he told her. Seeing the way she struggled to get up from the couch two nights ago when he came into the apartment, was proof enough. Had she been doing what he asked her to, then she would have at least been able to put weight on her injured leg._

_That's why he was so surprised when he only had to tell her once to get dressed and ready yesterday. And today she had actually been waiting for him when he got there in time for their scheduled two hours._

"_Lift your leg" he told her now and bent down in front of her, and even though the movement took great effort on her part, she instantly did as he asked._

_He sighed inwardly, thinking that no one would be happier than him if this change of attitude towards working with him meant that she was getting better. But again, he wasn't that stupid to actually believe that. The way she bit her teeth together hard and pushed herself to the limit had nothing to do with healing. It just meant that she had found a new way to zone out._

_Brooke had probably just realized that getting back on her feet would get him off her back. And more importantly, if she got her strength back, then she wouldn't need the help of either him or Rachel to get around the house, which in turn would mean that she could be alone. And that seemed to be the only thing she strived for._

"_Like this?" she asked and slowly managed to get her foot up to his waiting hand. Her leg was trembling and he was impressed, but he didn't tell her. If anything of the old Brooke was left inside this hollow shell, then playing it cool would have a better effect. _

_He__ waited a couple of seconds to let her adjust, before pushing her leg slowly up towards her chest. The knee bent slightly and he could see her face contort in pain._

"_You okay?" he asked and stopped for a second, and she nodded. _

"_Yeah..."_

_Carefully putting the pressure back on her knee, he watched her facial expression, knowing from experience that she sometimes pushed herself too hard. Two weeks ago she had refused to get out of bed, refused to work with him or to even try the physical therapy-program he set up for her. This time she still sighed and gave him the silent-treatment most of the time, but now it was as if she welcomed the physical pain. And even though he hated that she thought that way, he could still relate. It was the exact same way as he had felt after his accident with the race-car._

_Physical pain made the emotional pain shrink for a second, and sometimes that second felt like the only thing that kept you sane._

"_You have to tell me when to stop, Brooke" he muttered and pushed a little more. "It's supposed to hurt, but not that much, okay?"_

_She nodded again, but just like yesterday she didn't say a word about him stopping until she suddenly yelled out in pain and he had to pull back way too fast. When he looked up at her face again he could see that her bottom lip was bleeding slightly and he knew that she had bit it in an effort to keeping herself from screaming sooner._

"_I've fuckin' told you not to do that, B!" he said in a mix of frustration and worry. "Talk to me! Your surgical-wound will re-open if you don't fucking tell me when to stop!" _

_She pulled a shaky hand through her hair and breathed between clenched teeth for a moment. Then she met his eyes, forcing him to look into emotionless green pools of nothing._

"_It's okay" she pushed. "I can handle it Nate, do it again."_

_But this time he shook his head. _

"_No. Okay? I don't want to be part of your self-torture. Either you follow the program or I'm out, Brooke. This is supposed to HELP you. Not hurt you."_

_He paced the room and in the corner of his eye he could see her touching the knee-cap with probing fingers and flinching from the feather light pressure. He knew she was suddenly pushing this recovery, way more than he would recommend her. But as usual she didn't listen to anything he said. As always with Brooke Davis, it was either all or nothing._

"_Come on... Lets go" he muttered and went to help her up from the bench._

"_What? Where?"_

_She looked at him and he almost wanted to look away. He hated to see her like this, and when he went back to New York the other day to keep the rehab-thing up with her, he had actually told Haley not to come with him, even though Haley had planned for them all to go. _

_She was disappointed of course, but he honestly didn't want his wife to see her best friend in this condition._

_Because saying that Brooke was a mess was an understatement. She was a ghost._

"_We'll get some stuff and head to the nearest swimming pool. At least in the water you have to take it easy."_

_He already had his arm around her waist and was prepared to lift her when she frowned and said; "But Nate, that's on the other side of Manhattan..."_

"_Yeah?"_

_He hoisted her up and registered that she weighed nothing, mentally adding getting his friend to fucking start eating to the list of current must-do's. Then he noticed the scared look in her eyes._

"_I'm not going up on Highway 23 Nathan..." she whispered, and it took him a second before he understood. Going up to the St: Michaels Swimming pool would force them to drive by the place where she crashed the car. _

"_Then we'll go to the pool over by the Coney Island exit instead" he tried reassuring. "It'll be fine B... Don't worry."_

_But the frightened expression in her eyes didn't go away._

"_Please don't make me get into the car..."_

_He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. Held Brooke a little tighter and desperately wished for a time-machine. 'This is not Brooke Davis!' he wanted to scream. 'Brooke Davis is the loud, obnoxiously cheery and bitchy girl that fears NOTHING...' _

_But in real life, without time-machine, he stayed silent. Placed a brotherly kiss on the top of her head and said: "Let's just call it quits for today, okay sis? Maybe Rachel wants to spring for pizza?"_

_The almost cheery tone in his voice was forced, but at least the words made her stiff posture to loosen a little. And when she nodded in relief, he simply carried her out of the makeshift gym they had turned the guestroom into, carried her into the bathroom, and carefully put her down on the edge of the bathtub. _

"_See you when I'm done" she mumbled and grabbed the hem of her sweater to lift it over her head, and he muttered "Sure" before leaving and closing the door behind him._

_The cell phone in his pocket vibrated and he brought it out, sighing. He really wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone, and seeing his own home-number on the display almost made him put the phone back in his pocket without answering. Not because he didn't want to talk to Haley, but because his wife knew him way too well, and she would instantly recognise how bad the situation was. _

_But of course he picked up. He had never ignored Haley and he wasn't about to start._

"_Hey babe…" he said tiredly and leaned against the wall in the hallway. The sound of a turning key was heard and he looked up to see Rachel come in through the front door. "Hold on Hales…" he muttered before his wife even had time to answer, and then he turned to the redhead._

"_Brooke's in the bathroom and I promised her pizza. That okay with you?"_

_Rachel tiredly nodded and started to take off her jacket. "Yeah… whatever is fine with me as long as she eats. You want me to go pick it up?"_

"_If you don't mind?"_

_She shook her head and pulled the jacket back on. "I'll be right back" she mumbled and retrieved her car-keys from the bag at her feet. "Tell Haley I said hi."_

_The door closed again and he sighed. "Sorry Hales… How are you and Jamie?"_

"_We're fine hun, but how are you? You sound tired… Is Brooke okay?"_

_Just as he had thought, Haley instantly read him like an open book. Yet he tried to sugar-coat it as much as he could._

"_Well… she willingly did rehab today, so that is progress I guess. And she agreed to have pizza…"_

"_That's good baby, but I'm guessing by the way you're stalling that you're still worried, right?" _

"_She'll be okay, Hales…"_

_He felt bad for lying and for leaving out the rest. For not telling Haley about what he had witnessed last night when Brooke woke up screaming from nightmares and wouldn't calm down until Rachel practically force-fed her sleeping pills. For not telling his wife about the increasing emptiness in Brooke's eyes, or about how scared she had looked when he mentioned the car. But he needed to protect Haley, and he knew he did the right thing when she said:_

"_I really need to get in touch with Lucas… He did wonders with her in the hospital and I bet he could get her to snap out of this apathy… If I could just figure out what the hell he's doing in Charlotte… Maybe he's with that girl..."_

_He knew he did the right thing, because with worrying about Lucas, Haley had enough on her plate. And opposed to him, she actually thought Luke could help Brooke. He himself had abandoned that idea the second he tried to talk to Brooke about his brother and she turned ash­-grey in the face. He, as opposed to his wife, was sure that Lucas had once again fucked up royally, and that his blond brother held part of the blame for Brooke's detached state. To be honest, he hoped that Lucas would stay away from Brooke this time. _

_On the other end Haley repeated his name. "Nathan? Hun? Are you listening?"_

"_Yeah" he said tiredly and rubbed his temple with his free hand. "I'm listening babe. But what do you want me to do?"_

"_Can you call him again? Maybe you could go to Charlotte and check on him? I just want to know if he's okay…"_

_Haley sounded so hurt, and he guessed that it was mostly because she was used to being Lucas' go-to-girl. This time Lucas had showed no interest in talking to her at all the few times he had answered her calls, and it was probably bothering her more than she let on. Yet her request somehow irritated him. How the hell was he supposed to handle his brother when he had to be here to straighten out Brooke?_

_Couldn't Haley see that Brooke needed to be looked after? _

_For a second he contemplated telling her that the only time he had actually gotten hold of Lucas had been last week, and then his brother had been in a club and clearly been drunk of his ass. But he chose to keep that to himself as well. _

"_I'll come home soon, okay Hales?" he said and used all the energy he had left not to sound annoyed. "I'll see what I can do about Luke, but I have the Dallas-game… I can't make it to Charlotte just to check what he's doing. He's a grown man, babe…"_

_She sighed and agreed, told him to take care and that she loved him. And in return he said it back and told her not to worry. Although when they hung up, he threw his cell phone into the wall, suddenly feeling so angry with his fuck-up of a brother. Ruining his phone did nothing to help the situation but seeing it shatter against the opposite wall made him feel better in some strange way. _

_And when he sat down across the table from Brooke twenty minutes later and watched Rachel crack-open the big pizza box, he had managed to push his brother's assy way of disappearing to the back of his mind. The sight of Brooke sitting at a table, ready to eat dinner in an almost normal way, elevated both him and Rachel, and they talked almost normally about some movie they had both seen recently._

_He took a bite of the slice of extra-cheese embedded mushroom pizza and was just about to ask Brooke if she had seen the sequel, when the brunette silently pushed her plate away._

"_Can you help me get to my bedroom?" she mumbled. "I wanna go to bed…"_

_Rachel looked up and frowned. "But what about the pizza, Brooke? You didn't even touch it…"_

_For a second it looked like Brooke would snap but then she just shook her head and looked down into the table surface. _

"_You two can eat it" she mumbled. "I'm tired."_

_Rachel got ready to voice out another protest but he just deflated and held up a hand towards the redhead to stop her. And without even objecting, he did what Brooke asked. What else could he do? Nothing he tried seemed to work, and all the while, the people that meant most to him seemed to just fall further apart. _

The sun is shining into his eyes and he blocks it with his hand and watches Luke open a new beer before leaning over James to kiss Brooke. It's not like his brother to be so open with the PDA, and even though they look good as hell together, he still worries that these open-mouthed kisses on a sunny beach, are powered by liquid courage.

And just when he's about to say something to Lucas about the beer, Rachel sits down beside him. She looks at him and then nods towards the ice-box in an almost unnoticeable way.

"What's up with that?" she says silently, and he shrugs back. Obviously she thinks the same as him and the question is probably more of a statement. Instead of answering he keeps watching Brooke and Lucas, and when his brother gets up and starts chasing Jamie around in the sand, he nods equally unnoticeable towards Brooke and says:

"Better question; What's up with _that_?"

The instant Lucas got up from the sand and let go of the Brooke's hand, her smile fell. And now her facial expression is blank and distant. The change is so sudden and so complete that it actually scares him a little.

"They're not fine, are they?" the redhead beside him mouths and he slowly shakes his head. Sadly, this beautiful day at the beach feels more like the eye before the storm.

_I love you  
Is all that you can't say  
Years gone by and still  
Words don't come easily  
Like I love you  
I love you_

Its late afternoon but the beach is still full of people.

Lucas feels content. Calm and easy, yet full of life. He starts to takes a sip of his cold beer, just to realize that it's empty, and he puts the bottle down in the sand and looks around in search for Brooke.

He spots her almost instantly out in the waves where she's playing with James and Haley and he smiles at the sight. He must have dozed off for a sec because last time he checked, she was snuggled up at his side and Haley was beside them putting sunblock on his nephew.

Now, all the towels a couple of feet away from him are vacated, and he wonders where Rachel and Nathan have gone off to. He's hungry, the cooler at his feet is empty, and he suddenly feels restless sitting here alone, so he stands up and goes for a walk.

About 50 yards up on the beach he sees the bar that he and Brooke bought the beverages from, and he walks in that direction, thinking that they might have food there as well. Maybe he should get sandwiches for all of them, and maybe a couple more beers?

When he gets closer he sees Rachel sitting on a barstool at the counter, next to a dark haired guy that he assumes is Owen. That is until he hears the guy's voice and realizes that the low baritone belongs to Nathan.

What was Nathan and Rachel doing up here? As far as he knew, Nathan usually avoided Rachel to protect the family-peace.

He stops in the shadow a couple of feet away and listens in on their conversation, curious to know what they are talking about that is so secret that they can't handle it around the others. And just as the tiny voice in his head had suggested, it only takes him one sentence before he figures out that they are talking about him and Brooke.

"You know she doesn't listen to me, Nate" Rachel huffs. "If I tell her that she's moving this too fast, she'll think I'm trying to over-protect her. You've been the only person that's been able to talk some sense into her ever since _he_ left her in the hospital."

He. _He,_ as in himself.

But his brother shakes his head. "Bullshit. Right now she listens to no one except Lucas, and you know that too. I'm just scared that he'll blow it. Lately he's not fucking stable either… I don't think he's ready to be what she needs."

Nathan sighs and then mutters "I don't want to go back to how it was a year ago. I really don't…"

He creeps further into the shadows and balls his fists. Not ready to be what she needs, huh? What the hell did Nathan mean by that? He's been waiting to get this chance for years. To be Brooke's shoulder to lean on.

Looking at Rachel, he hopes that the redhead will defend him. That she'll tell Nathan that he's wrong about this, but instead she exclaims:

"And you think I do? I don't know what the hell Brooke and I would have done those first months without you, Nathan. I mean, physically she's fully back now. That would never have happened if it weren't for you."

Nathan nods slightly and he sees the shadow of worry that passes over his brother's features. "Maybe so... but she's not 'healed', right? Is she still popping those damn horse-strength sleeping pills?"

The redhead nods and he frowns in the shadow from the tree. What pills? After last night he knows that Brooke sleeps far from peacefully, but sleeping pills? Was it that bad? Had she taken them last night?

Once again he feels the jealous monster in the pit of his stomach turn and twist. For every time he sees Nathan interact with Brooke or hears him talk about her, he gets more and more aware of how close the two have gotten. It's ridiculous and he knows it, but he can't help but feel as if Nathan has somehow taken _his_ place during the last year and a half.

Nathan seems to know every little detail about Brooke's life. He seems comfortable with Rachel and with this guy Philip that everyone keeps mentioning, and when Lucas thinks about it, he still feels betrayed by the way Nathan has kept stuff from him. Again he thinks that if Nathan had informed him of Brooke's state, then he would have been there. _He_ would have been the one to help her through the dark time, not Nathan.

But instead Nathan is sitting here trying to rub off his negative thinking on Brooke's best friend.

"I'm glad they're working things out, but I just wish they'd slow down a little…" Nathan mutters. "You saw her face… She's still closing him out. I bet he doesn't know jack about how she feels… And Lucas? Man, talk about being in denial…"

Rachel is just about to answer when he steps out of the shadows and clears his throat.

"What do you mean, Nate?" he says coldly, and both his brother and the redhead flinches. "Something I should know?"

The day suddenly doesn't feel perfect anymore.

_Baby can I hold you tonight  
Maybe if I'd told you the right words  
At the right time _

You'd be mine...

* * *

**-**

**Author's note**: That was that. Not as drama-packed as the chapters of late has been, but a little reading in between the lines can be recommended. Next chapter will not take a month LOL

**Thank you's**:

Daniel – I love you. But you know that. And not just because you are amazing, but because your reviews keep blowing me away. It's true that I was worried, but you always calm me down. And the way you read my story is simply amazing… It's kind of the way you read me. I hope to get to know what you think about the NB flashback, because you know how important your opinion is to me, especially when it comes to the male characters :D Again, I know I'm being repetitive; I love you and your reviews make me happy. Gah, who am I kidding… YOU make me happy.

Stefy – What would I do without you, sweetie ? You keep me sane and you are wonderful inspiration to me. Always. I love you. Life without Super-Stefy would simply be boring. :D

Cheyenne – thank you hunnie. You rock. And so does Ny-Quil, doesn't it? ;)

Andie – Can I say that your review was just…WOW! It always makes me happy to see that people really _read_ my story. Not only the words but also what I put in between the lines. LOL and I'm sorry to say it but I don't really like Brooke shorter s5 hair. So I picture it long. PM me and I'll send you the banner for this story.

Allie – I missed your birthday :( I'm sorry hun. I wish I could have had this chapter up the day after already so that you could have had a real birthday gift. And I know I've said this before but your reviews are simply AMAZING. I'm with you on the whole 'wouldn't it be awesome if they started fresh' thing, but sadly some parts of the past are hard to leave behind. A good thing though is that it makes the story longer ;) Thank you so much.

Bri – Your review can be summarized in one word Wonderful. Bri, you make me smile so wide with these long-ass reviews and I guess we're even ;) I'll trade you a long emotional chapter for a long amazing review any day :D I love that you read the story so in detail and that you show me what parts you like best. It all makes it so much more fun for me to write. Thank you!

Shaz – LOL, I guess you're still annoyed that the RO interrupt the BL, but it has its reasons. Thank you for the great review though. :D

Jules – Baby, you know what I've been thinking? We should get OTH moved to HBO. That way we could totally have a sex-scene like the one in last chapter ;) It could be good for CS too. LOL Rachel and Owen have a complicated past, but if you want them together, then let me see what I can do ;). I love that you leave me so long and thought-through reviews hun. They make me utterly happy. :D

Corey - Thank you hun. I'm so glad you still like the story. Your reviews make me so happy.

Chelsea – Yay! Another Brathan-fan. I hope you liked this flashback as well. And feel safe that the 'baby' thing will be dealt with. RO will appear here and there so we'll just have to see how that goes ;) Thank you for an AMAZING review as always. You spoil me, and I LOVE it.

Michaela – Hey princess. It always makes me laugh to see you here. :D Maybe because I know I can just pick up the phone and call you. I love that you review and you know it ;) I can't wait for the sunny wine-drenched Saturday we're going to have :D Love you.

Whitney – Hun, I wouldn't do that. I won't be dangling them in your face as a tease, but I guess you're right. Can they really solve all of this in between just them or will they need help? I guess we'll see about that. ;) I do agree about the 'making love' part though. In my mind that's exactly what they did. :D

Tammii – Thank you so much for that. Without you guys there wouldn't be a story.

Michelle – I'm so honored that you chose to review my story first :D The reason this update is even here is because of reviews like yours. And you totally make me blush with all those beautiful words about my writing. Thank you.

Chebelle – I love that you read in between the lines of what I'm actually writing. They did come a long way, but certain things remain as problems, don't they? You don't have to worry about the story ending soon because they (and we) still have a long way to go. Thank you for your amazing words.

Trish – YAY! Such a great review :D I love that you enjoy all my characters. About the new Scott… Who knows… LOL And don't we all just love Brooke if we're honest? ;) Thank you so much for your support hun. Really.

Isa – Thanks for that wonderful review hun. I love when I get to know what parts you guys like the best. And I hope they get better in their pain too, but with all they have been through, it's a rather long road. ;)

Loes – Of course you loved the BL-smut LOL ;) I'm happy that you like RO though. They are a great ship in my mind. Thanks sweetie.

Ebony – Baby, there's no need to say sorry. ;) I love your reviews and I'm glad to hear that you liked the last two chapters. And as I just said to Chebelle; we still have a long way left before this story comes to an end. Thank you.

Natalie – LOL the expectations of this chapter were enormous after the last one, but I hope that you aren't too disappointed. Did your problem with the CAPS solve itself? Thank you for your support and for that great review.

HermoineGirl03 – Wow… you're really making me blush here. That was an amazing review, and I wish I had some power over the real show. Do you realize what a perfect season 5 we could have had if the BL writers on this site wrote the script? Thank you hun.

Tiffany Rae – Yay! So good to see that you're still reading. I'm glad you like the smut, because I actually enjoyed writing it ;) and I'm also happy to see that my clues were discovered. Oh, I am very much intending to finish Gamble Everything For Love. The new chapter has been almost finished for months. I just need one more scene but I got stuck…

Jem – Hun, you can babble for as long as you want, because I love your reviews :D And I'm not gonna tear them apart, but I can't promise that all the drama is over. If it was, then this story would be over, right? This chapter was actually only 17 pages… but I hope that's long enough ;)  
Thank you.

TreeHillDreams – Aww… I'm all emotional now. You know, I wish I could update every day. That all I could do all day long was write all kinds of pretty stories for you. But sadly my boss wouldn't like that. I'm so happy that you enjoy the speed of the story, because frankly; it won't get much faster LOL. I loved your review. Seriously.

Anjela – Sweetie! That review was so good. I'm so glad that you like this story even though I know that GBTRD is your favorite. I'm sorry I haven't had time to talk much lately but hopefully, with the summer and all, I'll get more time. Love you.

Broodyprettygirl – Thank you so much for that. I'm a huge Rachel-lover too and I don't think she gets enough credit for her friendship on the show. I hope you keep reading.

Froggygrl101 – I'm so glad you like it. And what can I say; I love angsty BL so it gets depressing once in a while ;)

Evergloweyes – I'm very honored. I hope to keep that 'favorite' place even though this chapter was a little less emotional. Thank you :D

Kate – I loved that review. Thank you so much.

Brucas412 – Sublime huh? Aw, you make me blush. Thank you so much.

Salma – He told you he loved you and you kept reading? LOL Poor dude! :D Although I'm very happy to hear that you still like the story. Thank you.

Catherine – I wish I could make them all long like last one, and believe me; I'm bad at writing short chapters LOL but hopefully you'll like this one even though it was a little shorter. Thanks for the amazing response.

Yana – Dude, well I love your reviews so I guess that makes us even ;)

MissUnderstood92 – It's good that you like them long, since I'm bad at writing them short LOL Thank you.

Colleen3200 – Thank you! That review you left was so nice, and I really hope that even if you thought that last chapter was perfection, this one could at least entertain you a bit. :D

Brucas333 – Awww… I love you too :D Thank you.

Sarah – You say 'thank you for this story' and I say that without your amazing reviews it wouldn't exist. Thank you so much for the continuous support.

BrOoKe DaViS23 – thank you for those kind words.

IamCaroline – From one secret NBfan to another, how was the new flashback huh? ;) I loved your review and I hope you'll keep reading.

Joe – I get so happy when you say that my character development is good. :D thank you so much.

WhiteRose0925 – that was an amazing review. You made me blush LOL.

PennCrawford – LOL yes, you were my 700th review. Thank you for that. :D

Svblbf4life – I'll call Mark if you can find his number ;) Thank you so much.

Sara – Did you know that I love your review? ;) I do. I guess Brucas are back together, or wouldn't you say so? But they might need each other even more than they think…

Lena – I felt so honored when I read that I had made you cry. LOL This chapter isn't as emotional but I hope that you still enjoyed it. Thank you hunnie.

M190192 – Your English is perfect and I'm happy that you decided to review. English isn't my first language either so I know how you feel. Thank you.

Maylis – Your English isn't bad ;D I'm Swedish so who cares, right? Lol And thank YOU for the pretty review.

Sarah (Brucas025) – Did it get better the second time? ;) I promise you, that before this story comes to an end, I will remind you why people sing about love and that mushy stuff :D thanks for your sweet review.

Rachel – I'm sorry it took so long but I hope you enjoyed this even though it was kind of a filler. :D thank you for the review.

Lydia (TutorGrrl) – Sweetie, you're making me blush. I wish I was that great, but I guess with the amazing combo of Brooke and Lucas, its easy to write emotional scenes. I hope you stick with the story.

BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE – Thank you sweetie. I know it was long LOL but they had so much to talk about…

Bella, Brucasforever03, AmbroCoo, Brooke (Brooke209), Catcat51092 – You girls spoil me with your wonderful words. Thank you for those sweet reviews.

Brucas True Love, Brucas224, Brookenlucas4eva03, Brucas3Naley23, Brucas3, Princesakarlita411, Cass and Everyday's a holiday – THANK YOU!


	18. Having Trouble Sleeping

**Author's note**: it's been a long wait again, but the sun's been shining and I took a wonderful trip to Berlin, and time just flew by I guess. But no more apologies. Title and lyrics from a song by the Perishers. Here is the new chapter. I hope you all will enjoy.

* * *

**CHAPTER 18 – ****Having Trouble Sleeping **

_I'm having trouble sleeping  
You're jumping in my bed  
Twisting in my head  
Leave me_

The bed feels like a safe place for the both of them. A world that only they share. And now when it's dark outside and it's just them surrounded by familiar feelings, scents and sounds, Lucas seems to breathe easier. Brooke figures that most of all this is probably because here, between the sheets; there's no interference from their friends.

He cups the back of her head in his palm and as soon as he kisses her, she instantly feels safer as well. His lips are still like a soothing balm for her soul and every time he touches her she becomes aware of how much she misses him when his hands are not on her skin.

She leans back into the soft mattress and relishes in the kiss. Draws it out, making it slow and soft and full of emotion, and she can feel him smile.

"Let's just forget about everything…" he whispers, and she nods. She's not sure what it is that he wants to forget but it doesn't matter. With him she already does. Right?

When he kisses her like this, all the messed up things in her life seems to disappear in the shadows. The nightmares seem distant, work unimportant, sleeping-pills unneeded. In his arms she feels as close to whole as she has in 19 long months.

But their wonderful day at the beach hadn't ended all that well, and Lucas had been like a clam about what happened to change his mood so dramatically. One second he had seemed like a giddy teenage-boy, and the next, he had been sullen and testy and he had avoided Nathan and Rachel like the plague. At first she had been worried that he'd push her away as well, but instead he had just asked if she wanted to leave with him and she agreed.

They'd had hours in the sun with the others and she felt content, so in a choice between staying without him or leaving the beach, the second option won with a landslide.

Once they were off the beach and back at home he seemed happier again, although a little more silent and distant. And with the exception of their quick trip to her hotel to get some stuff, they hadn't talked about the others at all. She hadn't pushed him to talk, she still feels that it would make her a hypocrite since she's happy as long as he doesn't push her, but that doesn't mean that she doesn't want to know what's going on in his broody head.

She's been worried about him all evening, and it isn't until now, under the sheets with his body close to her own, that things start to feel normal again.

Slowly his free hand finds its way in under her shirt and he roams her skin. Traces her waist and ribs, dips into her bellybutton before sliding down towards the waistband of her panties. She shivers lustfully, suppresses a moan. But she can feel how he avoids the side with her scars and after a couple of minutes she gently pulls back from the kiss.

"It's okay baby…" she says and looks into his blue eyes. "It doesn't hurt. Its healed… it's been healed for a long time…"

His eyes grow darker, as if he doesn't want to be reminded, and she cups his cheek in her hand. "Really, Luke. It's fine… they fixed me, okay?"

He frowns and clears his throat, but he doesn't answer. Instead he pulls back a little.

Then he carefully tries to pin a strand of hair behind her ear, and when he does, she can clearly see his hands shaking. He tries again, and this time she reaches up and grabs his trembling hand in hers.

"Hey…" she mumbles. "What's wrong?"

He won't meet her eyes and when she tries to make him, he simply gets out of the bed and stands up.

"I'm just gonna go get some water… and brush my teeth…"

Nodding, she silently watches him retreat out of the bedroom. It's clear that something is wrong but she's afraid to push him. Maybe today just became too much for him? Maybe they're just moving too fast? A couple of days ago they had hardly been able to look at each other, and now she was about to spend a second night in his bed. Maybe she should have left with Rachel and gone back to the hotel?

And as if the redhead is reading her mind, her cell phone lights up and Rachel's number starts blinking on the display. She picks up and silently says:

"Do you think Lucas is gonna change his mind?"

Rachel stays silent for a second, as if actually contemplating the question. She's used to these randomly started phone-calls by now. And when her friend asks: "You mean because of what happened at the beach?", she presses the phone to her ear and sinks back into the pillows.

"Yeah… about that… What really _did_ happen? I came back out of the water and he looked all angry, as if you, Nathan and him had been in a fight."

She waits as the redhead clears her throat and she already knows that something has gone down that she's not going to like.

"Rachel…" she continues suspiciously when her friend still doesn't talk. "What did you guys do?"

She recognizes the guilty silence coming from her friend, and most of all she's very aware of how tense Nathan had been. To figure out that an argument had taken place doesn't require a genius.

"Lucas kind of over-heard us talk about him…" Rachel mumbles.

"What do you mean _kind of_?"

"Okay, he walked in right when Nathan said that Lucas was an alcoholic in denial and that you're not ready to let him in…"

Rachel sounds embarrassed and as Brooke sits up in the big bed she thinks that it's for a good reason too. Where did Rachel and Nathan come off thinking that they were responsible for her life?

She lowers her voice even more and hisses; "I really hope that you both apologized. None of you have the right to tell him what I am ready _or_ not ready to do! I thought you _wanted_ us to get back together?"

"I do" Rachel mumbles. "And so does Nathan. Hell, who wouldn't want you to be with him? You freaking hot together. But Nathan and I were just venting, and he kind of stepped right into it… I did apologize though, if that makes you feel better. Although I honestly don't think he understands how messed up you are."

"He doesn't HAVE TO understand Rach…" she presses silently and somewhere in the back of her mind she finds it weird that she doesn't object when her best friend calls her mentally unstable. "You have to promise to not corner him like that again. It's not fair, you know… I was the one that told him to leave back then. He didn't just abandon me. If you and Nathan keep scrutinizing him like this, then maybe he'll just feel like all this is too much in the long run…"

She can hear Lucas turning on the faucet in the kitchen and she pulls her legs up towards her chest and sighs before continuing.

"I heard you, you know… back at the hotel this afternoon with Owen. And I know that Lucas and I aren't the only ones with 'problems'. Maybe you should concentrate on fixing your own mess? I appreciate all you've done for me but I need to figure this Lucas-thing out myself. All of this is hard…"

"But Brooke" Rachel presses, "are you sure that your '_all of this'_ is the problem? Haley told me, you know… About his drinking… And I'm just not sure that he…"

The thought of Haley and Rachel having a conversation about Lucas is almost ridiculous. Her two friends could hardly get through a lunch without bickering about something and now they were having heart to heart's about Lucas' health?

She knows that Rachel talks to Nathan occasionally. She knows that they talk about her, and somehow she has silently accepted that since she knows that Rachel had no one else to talk to about this. But Rachel and _Haley_? And about Lucas? It just seems weird.

She lowers her voice, not wanting Lucas to hear her conversation.

"Maybe he _did_ have a problem, Rach. But he's been fine for over a year. And now Nathan suddenly implies that he has relapsed... He doesn't deserve that…"

Rachel sighs. "Maybe you're right. And I'm not going to harass him about it. But I can't promise that Nathan will stop. He's really worried about Luke, and let's not forget that Nate has been here the whole time when you and I weren't. Honestly Brooke… Is Lucas even writing? Haley said that he hasn't published anything for a long time."

The last sentence has her thinking. Earlier today she had actually thought about how weird it was that a guy with writing as an occupation didn't even have a laptop or a type-writer nearby. No manuscripts were tossed around the apartment. No pieces of papers with things written on them or even a discarded notebook somewhere.

In high school Lucas had never been far from his computer when he was home, she knows this because she had spent many nights luring him away from it. But the thought of Lucas having given up on his talent is too troublesome, and she avoids the question.

"I don't want to go back to New York…" she instead says with a sigh, and the redhead stays silent. "I need more time with him… He's not going to just pack up and move with me to Manhattan…"

"Maybe you two shouldn't rush things…" Rachel finally mumbles, and after the conversation she heard between her friend and Owen at the beach earlier she's not sure if Rachel is talking about her and Lucas or about her own complicated situation.

_She__ brushes the sand off her feet before walking into the hotel-room, and while Lucas uses the bathroom, she collects some clothes so that she'll be able to spend another night in Lucas' house. The door to the balcony is open even though Rachel is nowhere to be seen and she walked over to close it, but stopped when she heard Rachel's voice from outside._

_She froze with her hand in the air, and she didn't mean to eavesdrop, but after just hearing a couple of words she was just dying to know what had her friend sounding so different._

"_Maybe later Owen… but not now. I need to focus on Brooke, okay?"_

_Rachel sounded__ tired, which wasn't that strange with Rachel's still lingering hang over, but she also sounded extremely vulnerable. Even frail._

"_I know that Brooke is your priority and I'm not pushing you" she heard Owen mutter back. "But I need to know what you meant this morning. You make it sound like it was something I did, Chelle… But you moved. You didn't even leave a new number!"_

"_I said not now!"_

_Brooke leaned against the doorpost and frowned. Chelle? Not Rachel, not Rach… But Chelle?_

_On the conversation she was__ listening in on, it seemed like Rachel had left a lot of stuff out. She knew about the move, about Rachel dating Owen for six months prior to moving to Tree Hill, and she knew that he had somehow broken her friend's heart. Probably pretty bad too. But every time she had tried to get Rachel to spill the details of the actual break-up and its causes, Rachel had just switched the subject or claimed that Owen was simply an ass. Maybe this time she would finally get some insight._

"_Then when, huh? In another six years?"_

_Owens voice grew a little louder and Rachel huffed. "Actually, that would suit me just fine! Does the offer include not having to look at you? And more importantly, you not interfering in my business?" _

"_I just want a freaking answer Rachel! I deserve to know why the hell you just left without even saying goodbye!"_

"_Don't yell!"_

_There was that frailness again and for a second she wanted to step outside and hug Rachel. To tell Owen to back off. But she didn't. Somewhere in the back of her head, she realized that this was probably something that had been a long time coming._

_Just like the fight between herself and Lucas._

_So instead she stayed where she was and her frown softened a little when she heard Owen mumble out "I'm sorry…" and Rachel simply answered "Whatever… just don't do it again."_

_That wa__s an answer that fitted a lot better with the way she was used to hearing Rachel talk. And she actually smiled a little until a hand on her shoulder made her jump._

"_It's not nice to snoop…" Lucas whispered in her ear and she turned towards him and motioned him backwards into the room. He followed with a smile on his face and when they got back out into the hotel corridor, he simply leaned against the wall and pulled her close. His breath was hot against the skin of her neck while she mumbled:_

"_I wasn't snooping. I just wanted to know what's going on between those two…"_

_It sounded like a lame excuse but Lucas kissed her forehead and nodded._

"_I don't blame you… Sometimes it seems like eavesdropping is the only way to find out people's real opinion…" _

_He smiled when he said it, but there was a cold undertone and she guessed that he referred back to something special. She opened her mouth to answer that this was different, but Lucas kept going. _

"_You know… I don't really like th__is dude Owen…" he said softly. "I don't like the way he looks at you. Or at Rachel for that matter…"_

_She leaned closer to him and breathed in his scent._

"_He's just a friend, Luke. Plus, he's Rachel's ex. And today at the beach, it seemed like you two knew each other as well…"_

_Lucas frowned. "Rachel knew him before?" he asked and she nodded._

"_Yeah, apparently he's her high school crush."_

_She kissed him, but his response wasn't as big as before. And right before her cell phone rang and interrupted them, she could hear him mutter "Shit… that explains it…"_

"Maybe we shouldn't rush things" she mumbles back to Rachel in the phone. "I just don't know how much time we actually have…"

Because the time between last night and this morning had been the best in almost two years and she feels strangely scared that worse things than some gossip about the past will ruin everything before she has time to catch up. She's fully aware that hers and Lucas' track-record sucks, especially when it comes to timing.

"Rachel…" she says when she hears Lucas open and close a cupboard in the other room. "What else did he hear? He's seemed so distraught tonight…"

"As I said; Nathan mostly talked about Lucas' drinking… but you should really talk to Nathan about this, Brooke. As I said, I've already apologized to Luke. This argument is between the Scotts."

Rachel sighs again. "Don't worry Brooke… I'm sure that you're right and that it'll all be fine. And about New York, Lucas knows that you have a company to run… I'm sure he understands."

"Yeah…" she mumbles back, "but I need him… I can actually sleep when he's beside me… I can _breathe_, Rachel…"

This time her friend says nothing. It's obvious that Rachel understands, but that she's still feeling a bit conflicted. And she knows that the redhead's silence means that however much she wants to say 'then stay', she still has to bring her with her back to New York.

There's simply no other way. She can't keep the business if she stays in Tree Hill.

Finally they hang up and she contemplates getting up to see where Lucas went. It's been over twenty minutes. But for some reason she holds herself back and instead she curls into a ball and pulls the sheet up over her. His posture when walking out had clearly said that he needed some time alone, and maybe there was some truth in Rachel's advice to not rush things.

So instead she gets up and tip toes over the cold bedroom floor to her bag. She gets as far as picking up her sleeping pills but when it comes down to it, she can't get herself to take them. Instead she swallows a Paxil just to take the edge of her worries.

She's almost asleep when Lucas silently walks back into the room. He pulls the t-shirt over his head and steps out of his sweatpants before crawling into bed next to her.

He doesn't say anything and first she thinks that he'll just lie down and go to sleep, but he wraps his arm around her and pulls her body towards his. She looks at him in the semi-darkness and he smiles softly before capturing her lips back into a kiss as if he never left. And as if it is the most natural thing in the world, she opens her mouth and kisses him back.

He tastes like mouth-water and like something else that she can't put her finger on. Something sweet… His tongue plays with hers gently at first, but it soon turns more passionate, and when he nips at her bottom lip with his teeth, she stops thinking.

Then his hands trail the skin of her waist and up towards her breasts, and she notices that his hands aren't trembling anymore. And he's no longer avoiding her scars. In a way she feels as if that should tell her something, but she's too tired, and his touch just feels too good.

"I'm sorry for today, Luke…" she whispers, because from what Rachel told her, she knows that she had been a big part of the fallout between him and Nathan. But he just buries his face at her neck and kisses the skin there.

"Don't worry" he mumbles back. "We'll be fine…"

But somehow, those are not the words she longs to hear. Everybody keeps saying that they'll _be_ fine and deep inside she has hoped that at least he would say that they already are.

But deep inside, she also knows that if he said that, it would be a lie.

_I'm having trouble breathing  
You're sitting on my chest  
I sure could use the rest  
Leave me_

Three days pass, and when Rachel thinks about it, everyone seems to be holding their breaths. Maybe it's for different reasons, but she feels like they are all waiting for something.

Summer is here. Brooke has forgiven her and Nathan for interfering and everything seems calm and good. Even Owen has kept his distance.

After their argument last Sunday when getting back from the beach, he's hardly been seen at all and for that she's thankful. At the moment she has her hands full with Brooke.

She folds the last shirt and puts it on the shelf with the others. The store in Tree Hill is finished. Ready to open at any time. But as opposed to all the other stores in the company chain, this one wont get a grand opening. Brooke has decided that she doesn't want the press to come to Tree Hill, and during their argument earlier she had mentioned something about not wanting to 'litter' the little town with journalists or gossip, but she knows that it has more to do with the fact that Brooke is scared of what the sudden spotlight would mean for her and Lucas.

She looks at the rows of pretty clothes now hung on the racks around the show-room and she misses her old friend more than ever. In a weird way the last days have been tough, because seeing Brooke so happy with Lucas is almost like getting the brunette back. It's just that the bubbly personality keeps falling away as soon as Brooke's hand isn't linked to Lucas', and when she tries to talk about business related things, her friend simply becomes a pouty 5-year old that's damn near impossible to deal with.

Which had brought on the argument she had with her friend five minutes ago, and that had made Brooke rush out of the store in anger.

Overall, the 'hanging out' has been a little complicated since the beach. Lucas is still tense around her and they have to get along because of Brooke. He doesn't want to hang out with Nathan and Haley at all, and she herself has been reluctant to spend time with Owen. Brooke keeps asking Owen to come along, and it annoys the living hell out of her, the only thing Lucas seems to agree with her on.

She grabs her purse and gets ready to leave when she hears the little bell over the door.

"I don't want to fight anymore" she sighs out, sure that it is Brooke that's come back. "If you don't want a grand opening, then fine… whatever…"

The person behind her clears his throat and it's obvious that it isn't her brunette stubborn friend, so she turns with her hands on her hips and raises a questioning eyebrow.

"You? I thought you and I were done talking?"

Owen stands with his head hung low and she can't help to think that he still looks so much like his younger self. The slightly baggy and worn jeans, the white wifebeater, the messy hair.

"That's your wish" he mumbles. "Not mine…"

It's creepy that he can still affect her this way and she feels almost uncomfortable in his presence. She shrugs and makes her way over to the counter with the still unused register. Grabs her car-keys and her sunglasses and then glances in his direction.

"What's up?" she finally asks when he just stays standing, watching her moving around in the store. "Did you want anything special?"

He looks at her like he did the last time she saw him, searching as if to see inside of her.

"I'm sorry for what I said to you…"

"No you're not, Owen. And I don't care."

For a second she looks down to check that she has everything and when she looks up again, Owen is right in front of her, just centimeters away.

"I'm still sorry. I'm sorry that I wasn't clear enough the other day, and I'm sorry for what I did with Maddie… You were never meant to find out… I was just upset."

His almost black eyes stare into her own cinnamon brown ones until she has to look away. Even though it's been years, it still hurts to hear him say the bitch's name. And just having him mention that night...

"I'm over it…" she mumbles, repeating his own words from the afternoon on her hotel balcony, and she lets her fiery red bangs fall down to hide her face a bit.

"You're lying" he answers. "At least I hope you are, because I'm not over _you_."

Sighing deeply she just whispers;

"That wasn't what you said last time we talked. You said you were over it too."

_She wasn't __sure why she had taken Owen's offer of a ride back when Brooke and Lucas left the beach. Maybe it had been the thought of having to deal with the worried Nathan that made her decide. But whatever the reason was, she had gotten back into Owen's car and she silently cursed Brooke for just leaving her stranded._

_It seemed to be Brooke's new life mission to get her and Owen to make peace. And lately she wasn't sure if it was Brooke's way of trying to 'thank' her for meddling between her and Lucas, or if it was a hidden revenge for spilling to Lucas about the baby. Either way, she was pretty tired of the whole thing. _

_Honestly she was just tired of Tree Hill in general._

_As usual, Owen tried to make small talk but she grumpily kept her eyes on the passing traffic. He sighed deeply and finally fell silent, even though he kept looking at her as if she was a spoiled child, and maybe that was why he surprised the crap out of her with what he did._

_When he parked in the hotel driveway, she expected him to stay in the car and leave, but instead he got out and tossed the car-keys to the parking attendant. _

"_What are you doing?" she asked, although she never expected him to answer. _

"_We're going to talk. Now, come on."_

_And strangely enough she didn't object to that either._

"_Here's the deal..." he said with a low voice once they entered the suite that she shared with Brooke on the top floor of the Tree Hill Hilton. "I can't help but feel as if there's been some sort of misunderstanding. You seem really pissed off and I want us to get stuff cleared out..."_

_But he didn't get further than that, because she simple kicked her shoes of and walked out on the spacious terrace. _

_Cleared out? What the hell?_

_Why couldn't the guy see that she had nothing to say to him? And after last night, which kept returning to her in drunken hazy pieces, she didn't want to listen to him either. She was embarrassed enough and even though it was easy to blame the alcohol, she had still tried kissing him, and he had still turned her down._

_She should have known though that he wouldn't give up. Just like on the football field back in college, he was like a bulldozer. The Case Western Spartan in him just kept going even when he hit a wall. And just like all those years ago, she felt like the stupid star-struck teenager. _

_When he joined her on the balcony she simply turned her back to him and watched the scenery down below. But finally curiosity got the best of her and she turned. He looked even more serious than before and the tone of his voice signalled that there was no use in interrupting him again, so she just kept looking at him and waited. _

"_We need to talk and we're going to stay here until you've explained to me why the hell you keep treating me like crap."_

_Sighing she rolled her eyes. __"Maybe later Owen… but not now. I need to focus on Brooke, okay?"_

_She could hear that she sounded__ tired, which wasn't that strange with the still lingering hang over, but that wasn't what bothered her. It was the fact that she sounded weak._

"_I know that Brooke is your priority and I'm not pushing you" he mumbled more softly. "But I need to know what you meant this morning. You make it sound like it was something I did, Chelle… But you moved. You didn't even leave a new number."_

"_I said not now!"_

_God! Arguing with him was like talking to a freaking child. Maybe Brooke should just dump Lucas and get with this guy instead because honestly, they were both stubborn enough to want to kill. And as if to prove a point, Owen whined;_

"_Then when, huh? In another six years?"_

"_Actually, that would suit me just fine! Does the offer include not having to look at you? And more importantly, you not interfering in my business?" _

"_I just want a freaking answer Rachel! I deserve to know why the hell you just left without even saying goodbye!"_

"_Don't yell!"_

_She felt like it all was finally getting to her. The 18 months of working double hours to keep up with her workaholic best friend. The worry, the freak-show of the last month… and then having him thrown back into her life after all this time. But the weakness seeping from her was still disgusting. She had promised herself to NEVER let a guy get to her like this again, especially not him, and after the little mistake with Mouth, she had actually stayed true to that._

_Owen watched her, and for a second it looked like he was going to reach out and touch her, but he simply mumbled;_

"_I'm sorry…" _

"_Whatever… just don't do it again."_

_Silence took over again and she let her shoulders drop an inch and went back into the room. For a second she felt as if someone had been in there. Stuff just felt a little out of place. But she waved the thought aside and __sat down on the edge of the couch, not wanting to make herself too comfortable._

_She wanted Owen gone. She wanted to erase his brown eyes and soft lips and comforting arms..._

_And then a strange thought floated by in the back of her head. For the first time she realized why Brooke liked Owen so much. It was because his personality was so like the old Lucas that they could easily have been brothers. The calm, the silent strength, the aura of kindness._

_For the last 6 years she had dated nothing but bad-boys, starting with Cooper and working her way through most of the in-crowd and sports-jocks in collage, and later the entertainment business and sports leagues. And opposed to Brooke's fake dating, she had enjoyed it too._

_But it wasn't until now that she realized that it had just been the best way to forget. To never have to miss what she once had. Owen, although the star of the football team, had always been the nice guy, and now, when he was looking at her like this, she finally understood what Brooke meant when she said that it felt like Lucas could see right through her._

"_You say that you want nothing to do with me" he kept going, suddenly standing right in front of her. "But if you've totally forgotten about what we had, then why are you still so hostile, huh? You avoid me like the plague, even when I try to be civil and friendly."_

_She sighed loudly and stood up again. Walked over to the bar in the corner and poured herself a glass from the nearest bottle._

"_We've been through this, Owen" she mumbled. " It's for Brooke's sake. If it weren't for her then I wouldn't still be in Tree Hill and I certainly wouldn't try to act civil around you. Because frankly, you're just another jerk. It might have been 6 years but I don't think that has changed."_

_She took a sip from her drink and made a face of disgust. Gin. She hated Gin. But liquid courage was better than nothing and she grimaced and took another sip. Over the rim of the glass she could see Owen's hurt facial expression but she didn't feel guilty. He had made his choice._

"_You want a drink?" she instead asked and made her voice buttery sweet just to annoy him. "For old time sake, before you get out of here?"_

_She turned to pour one for him and her back was towards him when he answered. "No thank you. I don't drink. I'm a sober alcoholic."_

_Complete silence followed and she slowly turned back and looked at him._

"_Excuse me?"_

"_Yeah. Sober for 4 years. But maybe you heard the saying? Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic."_

_He shrugged, and for a second he looked boyish and insecure. Confused she took a hesitant step back in his direction but stopped. So it hadn't just been his occupation that told him that Lucas had a drinking-problem? He had known from experience?_

_Silently she counted back in her mind. Four years? Owen would have been 21 then and a senior in College._

"_What? So you were an alcoholic at Case Western? But how did you play football if you were drunk?"_

"_I didn't."_

_She understood nothing now. When she left Cleveland Owen had been the star-quarterback, and the straight road to NFL had already been drawn up and paved. Since she found out that he was in Tree Hill she had been way too busy with hating him that she hadn't even questioned what he was doing working in a small-town nightclub, when it should have been more likely to see him play in the Super-bowl. Owen 'Big Mac' McAllister had been destined to be the next star._

"_What happened?" she asked, and for the first time her voice was soft. It was the voice that she used around Brooke on especially bad nights, because suddenly he looked very lost._

"_Last game of the season. State cup final against Penn State. I almost tore my hamstring and broke my femor-bone in three places. After 4 surgeries, the doctors simply informed me that my football career was over."_

"_Just like that?"_

"_Yeah. Pretty tough call for a guy like me that never really studied..." _

_Part of her felt bad for him. He had loved football so much. But she had spent too many years being angry at him and the sympathy didn't vanquish it all. _

_She still remembered how it had felt that night when she went to the party at his dorm to look for him. She had broken up with him the night before, basically on the grounds that it would never work with the distance between his college and whatever city her father planned to move them to this time. But honestly it hadn't been the whole truth. _

_Honestly she was scared that she wasn't important enough for him to stick with and that as soon as she left, he'd replace her with some skanky groupie. Truthfully there had been enough of them to go around._

_But t__hen he sent her that text. The one that said that he might be young but that he loved her, and that he didn't care how far away she moved, and she got second thoughts. Maybe she had been too quick on dumping him? So she drove over to his campus and roamed the corridors of his floor to find him amongst the many partying students but none of his friends had seen him in hours._

_And even years later she wished that she would have never found him. _

"_So you got injured and you felt sorry for yourself?" she now said coldly and tried to push the image of Owen and Maddie out of her head. "You figured that it would help your situation to ruin your life even further? God, you and the broody Scott-brother really do have a lot in common…"_

_He rolled his eyes and nodded towards her in a condescending way._

"_And you're one to talk?" he said. "Let me refresh your memory, Miss Perfect. Weed, booze, countless rows of guys… Wasn't that how you got through high school? By the way, did your dad get them to drop those shoplifting charges? And how many schools were you expelled from again?"_

_Anger flooded through her. How did he know? Had Brooke told him?_

_She didn't answer, just looked back at him in the bored cold manner that she developed when her father yelled at her when she was younger, and took another swig at her Gin. But he read her like an open book._

"_You told me last night. You told me a lot of things…" _

"_You suck" she mumbled and he walked closer._

"_No I don't, Rachel. I fixed myself. And I was sad as hell when you left but I got through that too, but even so, I think I deserve to know why."_

_He was only a feet away from her now. Hovering over her with his 6'2 frame and making her feel small. Yet the comment triggered more memories, more anger, and she practically spit in his face._

"_I saw you, you fucking asshole! You slept with Maddie! Okay? Three fucking hours after you wrote me that you loved me!"_

_Color drained from his face and his mouth opened and closed. _

"_How the hell could you do that Owen? Huh?" Now she yelled and it felt good. "You run around in this hick-town, playing the good Samaritan, but you're still an ass. You lied to me and yet you had the guts to turn me down like some teenage girl last night when I was drunk. You know what? Fuck you!"_

_He breathed in and then shook his head, still pale._

"_I'm so over this…" he muttered. _

_Then he left. And while she stood there watching him leave, she wondered what the hell was wrong that made guys leave this hotelroom as if they freakin' owned it. _

Owen looks like a sad puppy and she puts on her sunglasses and starts walking towards the door.

"You said you were over it" she repeats and forces her face to stay cold. "There was nothing un-clear about that. But thanks for finally admitting that you fucked Maddie. At least that gives you some dignity back."

She can hear him sigh and follow her, and she wishes that she could turn around and kick him in the crouch. She wishes that she hadn't yelled at Brooke, and she wishes that she had never come back to Tree Hill in the first place.

She wishes that she could turn back time two years to when she and Brooke had carelessly been living it up on Manhattan, and when stupid ex-quarterbacks had been a faint memory and freak car accidents had never even taken place.

"Chelle…" Owen pleads behind her, and for the final time she turns, already with her hand on the doorknob.

"You want my forgiveness?" she says. "Is that it?"

He nods and for the first time he can't seem to meet her eyes.

"Then make sure that you NEVER serve Lucas Scott a drink again."

He keeps his head down and mumbles something that sounds like a strained 'I'm really sorry…' but she ignores him. "And Owen…" she continues.

"Yeah?"

One last look at the boy that is now a man and that she's never seemed to get out of her head.

"Stay the fuck out of my way. I mean it."

_It's you  
Why's it always you__ and never me?  
I've never dared to let  
my feelings free  
Why's it always you  
and never me?  
Never cared  
too much about honesty_

During the days since Jamie's birthday party, Lucas realizes how different life is now that he has Brooke back with him. Different in a good way but different never the less.

He's laughing again, without having to fake it. He wakes up smiling in the mornings when he feels Brooke's warm body curled up next to his own and he starts to actually feel like doing stuff, not only because he has to, but because any activity with the brunette is making him feel more alive than any liquid substitute.

Stuff like cooking dinner together, going grocery-shopping, taking walks on the promenade or just lounging in the hammock in his garden all feels like great adventures.

Like now, when he comes out of the shower after his run and finds Brooke in the kitchen doing the dishes. She's wearing his old Raven's jersey and her arms are elbow deep in the soapy water. She hums happily to some song on the radio and for a short moment he just stands there and takes in the sight of her. It's not like two months ago, when he watched her in the hot-tub in her hotel. Now he loves to look at her and the obvious pain isn't there anymore. But sometimes…

For a second he's reminded of all the times he's walked in and found Lindsey like this. After all, Lindsey had stayed in his house of and on for over four months and not once during that time has he been as levitatingly happy about finding her there as he is every time with Brooke.

"When did you get in, baby?" he finally asks and rubs the towel over his wet hair. She turns her head and smiles towards him.

"Fifteen minutes ago maybe. The door was unlocked."

She had left early this morning to go down to the Clothes over Bro's store with Rachel and he hadn't thought she'd be back before dinner. Now as he walks over to her, he realizes that he's missed her like crazy even though only four hours has passed.

"I have a dishwasher, you know…"

He wraps his arms around her from the back and she giggles when he kisses the skin of her neck.

"I know, but I like this. Rachel thinks I'm crazy but its kind of nice to keep up with some of the normal things that I had to do before the company started bringing in money. Between all the parties and fashion shows and the across nation flights, it's kind of calming to do stuff like this…"

He nods silently and puts his hands into the water as well, does it as if this is all he really wants out of life, to wash glasses and plates with her while talking about random things. This is how he likes it best. Just him and her, doing normal stuff like a normal couple.

When he's alone with her he doesn't worry and he doesn't brood.

But around the others, things are so different still. He behaves, socializes, but the fight with Nathan and Rachel at the beach a couple of days back is fresh in his mind and however hard he tries to suppress it, words form that discussion still bother him. Things were said on that beach that is now hard to take back, especially between him and Nathan.

_He stood in the shadow__ on the beach and listened in on Nathan and Rachel's discussion, and the more he listened, the angrier he got. Neither his brother nor Brooke's best friend seemed to have any confidence in him._

"_I'm glad they're working things out" Nathan muttered with his elbows rested on the bar. "I just wish they'd slow down a little… You saw her face… She's still closing him out. I bet he doesn't know jack about how she feels… And Lucas? Man, talk about being in denial…"_

_Rachel was just about to answer but he had heard enough already and__ he stepped out of the shadows and cleared his throat._

"_What do you mean, Nate?" he said coldly, and both his brother and the redhead flinched. "Something I should know?"_

_For a second it was like time had stopped and Rachel looked embarrassed, but then Nathan sighed tiredly and turned towards him completely._

"_You bet there is…" his brother said and cocked an eyebrow. "But are you ready to hear it? Or are you just here for the beer?"_

_Rachel gave Nathan a look as if willing him to shut up, but Nathan just kept going._

"_You don't get to screw this up Luke… The drinking has to stop, okay? You can't be what Brooke needs if you're a drunk."_

"_A drunk?"_

_His voice was low, almost a hiss, and he bore his eyes into Nathan's. This was ridiculous, completely insane…_

"_Yes Lucas. A drunk. An _alcoholic_. A person that has a real problem with alcohol and that is in complete denial of it… I get that you're scared, but I'm tired of you hiding in the bottle, alright? Last year was one time too many."_

"_I'm not a fucking alcoholic, Nathan! I told you a million times that I don't have a problem. What the hell do you want me to do to prove it?!"_

_Their voices were both rising in volume and the bartender had started to eye them suspiciously, but he didn't care, and seemingly neither did Nathan._

"_I told you. I want you to NOT drink. It's more than enough that Brooke is a freaking pill-addict. I don't have time to pamper your ass as well."_

_Rachel rolled her eyes towards Nathan and stood up._

"_Cut it out Nate. You make it sound like you're Brooke's personal 'keeper'. She's a lot better now, you know that. She's only taking the sleeping pills..."_

"_That's a load of BS. She had clearly taken Happy-pills the other day when we were at the gym. And Haley said that…" _

"_What fucking pills?!"_

_He interrupted because he felt like an ignored bystander. Nathan and Rachel eyed each other as if sharing secret truths and he boiled on the inside. "I can't be _anything_ for her if you don't tell me what's going on!"_

_This time Nathan looked a little more sad than annoyed._

"_You slept next to her last night, right? No nightmares? No tossing and turning and crying? She slept like a baby, I'm sure…"_

_He bit his lip and looked down into the sand. It wasn't the fact that Nathan was right that bothered him the most, it was the fact that Nathan knew._

"_So what if she still has some nightmares? I can comfort her." _

"_With what? Sex? Or some of your booze maybe? Because I highly doubt it that she's talked to you about what she dreams about…"_

_Rachel broke in and gave Nathan another meaning glance before clearing her throat._

"_She's been on pre-scripted meds pretty much ever since the accident. Anxiety suppressors, anti-depressives, knock-out sleeping pills. You don't get it Luke…" she said and her features softened. "Brooke isn't healed. She just looks healed, and about 90 percent of her nightmares consist of losing YOU. If you leave her again…"_

"_I'm not leaving!"_

_He was straight up yelling now and Nathan stood up from his chair. His dark-haired brother looked angry, as if his contradictions were provoking him, and he took a step forward._

"_No, you're not leaving her. If you do, be sure that I'll make you regret it. But you know what? You're getting help, Luke. Because if you ever hurt her again, or if I ever have to find my wife or son crying again because you behave like a mean fuck when you drink, then I'll beat the crap out of you and I really mean that…"_

_The threat hung in the air for seconds and he took a step forward too, bringing him in only inches from Nathan's face._

"_What the hell do you mean by that? I'd never hurt Haley or James."_

"_No? Ask Hales how many nights she's been crying over your sorry ass. And try to explain to a fucking 3-year old that his hero uncle won't come play because he has a chronic hang-over! You're such a fucking loser Lucas! Can't you see that YOU hurt Brooke almost as much as the accident did. If I had known that she carried _your_ kid back then…"_

_He pushed Nathan in the chest before he even thought about what he was doing, and he watched as Nathan almost toppled over and fell into the bar. But at the last second, Rachel grabbed his brother's arm and Nathan regained his footing._

"_Don't ever say that again, you hear?" he hissed, and Nathan stared back at him in disbelief. "I only left her because she told me to! It wasn't my fault! Tell him, Rachel!" _

_But Rachel just stared into the ground._

"_You should have known her better than that, Luke…" she almost whispered. "You should know that she always pushes you away when she feels hurt… And you should have come back. But it's a little late to regret that now…"_

He breathes in the scent of Brooke's hair and runs his soapy hands up her tanned arms. He can't let Rachel's last phrase go, because in opposite to all the bullshit Nathan had been dishing out, Rachel had been right. He should have known Brooke well enough to know that she was lying about the baby, and he should have understood that something was wrong… That's why, when Rachel later came and apologized for interfering, he told her that they were okay.

But during the last three days he had hardly said a word to his brother. Because Nathan should see that it was situations like the one on the beach that made him want to get drunk.

"So how was the store?" he asks, just to make simple conversation and Brooke shrugs and answers "Fine…"

He detects a slight irritation in her voice so instead he asks: "Did you eat anything? You wanna go down to the beach-walk and grab a late lunch?"

"I'd love that."

Her smile is back and she reaches up and kisses his lips. "We could ask Nate and Haley too. I miss Jamie…"

He frowns. But then she kisses him again, and again, and on the forth kiss, the dishes and the lunch both seem completely forgotten. Even his worries fall to the back of his mind when he walks her backwards towards the bedroom.

Kiss and pretend.

This seems to be their life now. To both stick their heads in the sand and pretend that everything is perfect. And not that she isn't perfect, or that he doesn't like kissing her. On the contrary; he hasn't been this happy since he can't even remember when. Being with Brooke and holding her close is pretty much all he needs. He just can't stop wondering how long it will last.

"I could kiss you forever…" she murmurs when he lowers her down on the soft mattress and he sucks her bottom lip into his mouth.

"I wouldn't complain" he mumbles back and thinks that he _wants_ 'forever' with her. He really does.

But before he can say it, her cell phone goes off and he detangles from her so that she can answer it. Two seconds into the call, it's evident that it's Bevin on the line and he sighs. He might as well get dressed, because these kinds of girl-talks could take hours.

_I'm having trouble sleeping  
I'm thinking of what you said  
About the tears been shed  
Leave me_

It's just a beer. Not a liter of vodka or two lines of coke. It's just a cold beer with lunch on a hot summer-day. Skills has one too, and for the people passing by, there's nothing strange at all with the bottle of Heineken in Lucas' hand. Yet for the first time, all the warnings that Nathan has been serving her lately about Lucas' drinking, actually float up to the surface.

Maybe because since he got the bottle, he hasn't put it down on the table once.

The afternoon sun is shining down on them and she enjoys the calm down here by the promenade. She's still a bit tense after the argument with Rachel and for a moment when she and Lucas left the hotel she desperately wished that she hadn't made plans with Skills and Bevin. But she loves to hang out with her friends like this, and she knows that she has to appreciate these moments, because it will be over soon.

This morning Rachel had said three days. On Monday she needs to go back.

She's brought back from her thoughts by Bevin's voice, and she looks up to see a tiny face just centimeters from her own.

"Can you hold Sarah? I need to go to the ladies-room."

"Uhm… yeah, sure…"

She hesitatingly takes the drooling baby-girl and cradles her on her lap. In the corner of her eye she can see Lucas watching her with a wide smile on his face. A smile that shines of wishes and longing and dreams, and that hits her like a painful blow in the abdomen.

Sarah coos in her arms and she averts her eyes from the gurgling baby and watches the ocean instead, secretly trying to keep her raising heartbeat slow and steady. Her pulse is thumping loudly inside her head and almost in a distance she can hear Skills say;

"Look at my girl B, huh? Straight up mother earth right there, I tell ya."

Lucas answers with a proud "She's going to be such a great mom…" and suddenly she feels almost nauseous. It's as if the baby in her arms weighs fifty pound all of a sudden, and when Sarah whines and Lucas leans in and says;

"Here, take her blanket…"

Then she can actually taste the bile in her mouth.

"I… I can't…" she stutters and tries to hand the little girl over to Lucas. "I can't… breathe…"

The blonde man that used to know her so well looks worried but he takes the baby, and in seconds she's out of the chair and up on her feet. She needs to get away from this, at least for enough time to make sure that she won't throw up.

Seconds later she stands hunched over the sink in the ladies restroom and draws in deep breaths of air. She can't explain what had just happened because the panic-attack had come totally out of left field, but she knows how to make it go away. So she fumbles with her purse and pushes two little blue and white tablets out of their casing. Swallows them and breathes in.

Then the door opens and in the mirror her eyes meets Lucas' worried ones.

"What happened there, Brooke?" he asks and takes the few steps that separate them. "Are you okay?"

She nods slowly and once his arms find their way around her and she's tucked against his chest, she relaxes. She's okay _now_.

His lips brush her temple and her pulse slows down. But she knows that he knows it too. Lunch with friends is over before it started. And they still have a lot to fix.

"I'm taking you home…" he whispers soothingly. "And we'll call the others and tell them that tonight at Tric is cancelled."

"No… I wanna go. I promised Haley…"

Her voice comes out a little shaky but it will soon get better. The pills will take effect and if she can just rest a little, then she'll be as good as new long before they need to meet the others. It's just been a long day. Arguing with Rachel had taken its toll, and she's still a little overwhelmed by the speed at which her relationship with Lucas is progressing.

And then there was the things that Nathan kept saying…

"Are you sure, pretty girl? You still look a little pale?"

She closes her eyes for a second to clear her mind and then looks up at his face. Why does things have to be so complicated? All she wants is to love him, be with him, have him. She doesn't want to be like this, all broken and unstable, and she once again realizes how much she has relied on the redheaded friend that she shouted at this morning. Rachel was always the one that made sure that she was kept away from situations like this.

She knows that Lucas waits for her to explain and open up. He's not exactly pushing her, but every day for the last five days he's brought up tiny bits of the past in an obvious hope that she'll let him in on something. But she can't.

"I'm fine… I promise."

He looks far from convinced but he rests his forehead against hers and nods in defeat.

"Okay."

Okay is good. Okay means that she'll have another day without pressure although she already knows that she'll pay for it tonight in her dreams.

Then she kisses him, and while he hesitantly responds to her change of activity, she thinks that when everything else feels wrong and confusing, kissing Lucas is the best remedy in the world.

She just wishes that he wasn't so obviously expecting her to 'talk' to him. And that she could somehow deny that she tastes more than just beer on his lips.

_It's you  
Now and always you  
but never me  
I've never dared to  
let my feelings free  
Why's it always you  
and never me?_

Brooke looks amazing. Tanned long bare legs and feet clad in five inch heals. The white dress she wears is loose but short and it just makes her golden skin seem even more flawless. And of course he sees the way all the other men in the club look at her, but he doesn't even care, because she's his again, plain and simple. She had said so herself.

She smiles and sips her frozen daiquiri, lips pouting around the edge of the glass. Then she flips her long dark hair over one shoulder in a graceful move and winks at him. She's the picture of sexiness and as he takes a sip of his own drink, he feels his jeans get a little tight just by the mere sight of her. He had taken her out of that white dress just two hours ago, making them almost forty-five minutes late, but he still wants her just as bad. At sixteen she had just needed to look at him in order for him to want her, and now, seven years later, he still reacts in exactly the same way.

Putting the empty glass down on the bar, he watches Nathan walk up on Brooke's other side. He has pretty much tried to stay clear of his brother the last two days and maybe Nathan has noticed because now when he comes up to them, he seems to focus only on Brooke. Smiling, Nathan starts talking about something funny Jamie had said during dinner and Brooke listens interested in the story, but he himself just keeps his hand at the curve of her lower back and subconsciously pulls her closer to him.

And while trying to get the bartender's attention, signalling to the guy to get him a refill, he hears her say;

"Thank you so much for this morning Nate…"

In the corner of his eye he watches Nathan shrug with a crooked smile on his face.

"Don't sweat it B. You know that I'm always there for you if you need it."

"Yeah, but still… It just keeps cramping and it's always when I run downhill. You're the only one who knows where to press to get it to go away."

Her knee. He knows that they're just talking about her bad knee, but it irritates him. She hasn't said anything to him about it and maybe if she did, he would have that magic touch as well.

"Does it still hurt?" he interrupts and runs his palm down her perfect leg. "You wanna sit down for a bit?"

She turns to him and smiles. Runs her free hand through his buzz-cut and it sends wonderful shivers down his spine. But he can't enjoy it fully since she gives him exactly the kind of answer he _doesn't_ want. A fleeting answer, full of masked white lies.

"Don't worry baby. Really."

Just like earlier in the restaurant bathroom she brushes his question away. _I'm fine… I promise._

Although before he can say anything, she pulls him in and kisses him. Presses those lush warm lips against his and demands his tongue. And first he hesitates, because he wants her to tell him the truth, even about a silly thing as a muscle-cramp. But just as when they were teenagers, it only takes seconds into the kiss before he gives up and relaxes. Reciprocates the kiss with more hunger and almost starts forget the way Nathan keeps eyeing his new glass with an annoyed expression.

When she finally pushes back he's almost dizzy.

What was it that had annoyed him? It probably doesn't matter.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you" she then exclaims and turns back to Nathan while lazily stroking his jeans-clad thigh. "Bryan from the 57th Street SPA called yesterday. He told me to say hi to you and to ask you if you ever found those pants that you lost.

His brother instantly starts laughing and Brooke's dimples sink into her face like happy moon craters.

"And of course you told him? Damn it Davis, you said you wouldn't tell!"

Brooke giggles and he somehow wishes that he had evoked the sound. At first he tries to follow the exchange between the two brunettes, but the discussion that follows is quick, full of laughter and clearly New York related. He has no idea who Bryan is or why Nathan looks so embarrassed, and finally he just gives up and goes back to his drink and to revel in the feeling of hearing Brooke happy. At least until the laughter dies down and Nathan's voice turns more serious. Over the music and the sound of the people around them he can hear Nathan ask Brooke about her nightmares, and strangely enough she doesn't shrug or tell Nathan not to worry, not like she does with him. Instead she answers honestly and without hesitation.

"It's better when Lucas is with me… And the truck comes less now too."

He guesses that she means the truck that hit her and suddenly the drink that he sips tastes metallic and weird.

"So you can answer _him_?" he finds himself asking, and he's almost surprised at the amount of bitterness in his voice. He hadn't meant for it to come out that way, but its how he feels.

Brooke turns around and looks at him with a mix of confusion and hurt on her face.

"Lucas" she says and frowns. "What do you mean?"

"Why don't you tell him not to worry?"

His voice comes out lower, this time more hurt than annoyed, and she cups his cheek in her small palm. The dimples are long gone and her eyes are sad.

"Baby, don't do this…" she mumbles. "Nathan is just making conversation… He's just worried."

"I worry too, Brooke."

"I know…"

He doesn't want the mood to change like this, but inside his chest his temper flares and he longs to kick back the shot that the bartender has put in front of Brooke. He wants Brooke to laugh, to sway to the music and kiss him again, but Nathan leans in, and while placing his hand soothingly on Brooke's arm, his brother mutters:

"Calm down, okay Luke?"

"Calm _down_? Stop fucking touching her, man!"

Both Brooke and Nathan look back at him with shocked expressions on their faces and Nathan slowly retracts his hand.

He's not sure why it ticks him off so much. Deep inside he knows that he should be grateful towards Nathan for helping Brooke. But however he twists and turns it he still comes to the same conclusion. It shouldn't have been Nathan. It should have been _him_.

He's not stupid. He's fully aware what it sounded like when he lashed out, and honestly, Nathan's hand on Brooke's skin is the smallest problem. A much bigger problem is that for every pasing day, he gets more and more aware of that when she had needed him for the first time in her life, he hadn't been there. It had been his chance to 'save' her, just like she had asked him to back in high school, and instead of doing that, he had been somewhere else doing god knows what, all the while forcing Nathan to step up to the plate in his absence.

But now it's not needed anymore.

He realizes that he must have raised his voice again because Brooke and Nathan are still cautiously watching him, so he bites his teeth together hard and hisses; "You need to back off Nate. I'm _here_ now."

For a second it looks like Nathan is going to say something back, because his brother's eyes turn dark, but Brooke steps in between them so that her back is turned towards Nathan.

"I want to talk to _you_ Luke" she says with begging eyes, "but not like this… You're upset, and we've been so good together the last week… Let's not fight about this, okay?"

She looks so vulnerable and he takes a breath and forces his speeding pulse back down. Unclenches his fists and tries to stay calm. Then he pulls her in between his thighs where he sits on the barstool and nods guiltily. Somehow the position they're in and the surrounding sounds from the nightclub reminds him of the night he partied with her and Rachel in New York, and he clearly remembers how badly it had played out when he placed that ultimatum on her. If he had just followed her home without starting that fight…

"I'm sorry" he mumbles. "He just gets on my nerves lately…"

She brushes her fingertips along his jaw-line.

"Who? Nate?"

"Yeah…"

For a second she seems even sadder and she leans her forehead toward his.

"What is it that you want from me Luke?" she asks silently. "You want me to talk to you about the months we were apart? Is that it?"

And although he's not entirely sure he means it, he nods.

"I just think I need to know, Brooke…"

"Okay…"

She swallows nervously and he knows that he shouldn't push her like this, but he can't help it. He knows that hearing her talk about her recovery will hurt and maybe he's a masochist, maybe it's just another way to punish himself, yet he feels as if the pain is needed and that none of them will mend fully until she lets him in.

"Do you still feel as if you need Nathan?" he asks breathlessly, and he knows that if she'll answer 'yes' then the jealous monster in the pit of his stomach will grow even more. But she closes her eyes and shakes her head.

"No… it's not that I _need_ him… it's just that he knows so much about me, Luke. Sometimes even more than I feel comfortable with… But I can't do anything about that, and neither can he."

Her forehead is still leaned against his and he sighs.

"But Brooke…"

"No Lucas. Seriously. He had no choice… Rachel couldn't handle me and he did what he had to do… This hasn't been that easy on him either."

The music and people around them suddenly feels 'wrong' and he pins a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"I just need you to let me in, Brooke" he mumbles, and this time she nods. But if they're going to talk about this they'll need a calmer and more secluded place and he wants to get away from the watchful eye of his younger brother. She looks a little scared and he runs his hand up her back and kisses her softly.

"I love you" he then whispers, and sighing she mumbles "I love you too" against the skin of his neck. He slowly gets up from his chair and puts his arm around her shoulder, all while he looks into the floor so that he won't have to meet Nathan's eyes.

"Come on… Let's go home…"

She follows him without hesitation, even leans her head towards his shoulder, but something in his last phrase rings false, even to himself. Sadly he realizes that it is the word 'home'.

Brooke doesn't live with him. Honestly he hardly lives in his house himself. She has her life in New York and even though they've kept away from the subject, they both know that home for her is not where he lives, and neither is the hotelroom where she has her stuff. Home is with Rachel and the company and her huge penthouse.

Brooke mumbles a quick "Bye" to Nathan and he takes one last glance at his brother. It scares him that Nathan looks at him as if he knows exactly what he's thinking. He hates it but Nathan seems to know that right now he really wishes that he could choose the rest of the tequila-bottle instead of the deep conversation that lies ahead.

The one that he himself has asked for.

_Why's it always you  
and never me?  
never cared  
too much about honesty_

-I-

* * *

**Authors note**: Abrupt ending? Well, I had to cut because the chapter ended up at 42 pages when I wrote it. Good thing with that though is that 14 pages of the next chapter is already written. :D Less good is that I'm so tired that the long thank you's are getting cut too. But a few things are needed:

Thank's to all of you for being awesome readers and reviewers. You all rock my socks off.

Thanks to Daniel for being the greatest guy alive, to Elena for totally giving me a truck-load of inspiration. To Cami for being my guide to realism and keeping me on the ground and to Corey for proof-reading my waay too long chapter. Last of course to my Chey that I'm so proud of and to Stefy, who I really hope will get well soon so we can pick up where we left off. :D

All you others, know that I wish I wasn't so tired and that I could write you all a page of thanks each.

Nineteen will be up soon ;)

Oh! I almost forgot... Elena made me a new banner:

http : / img 242 . imageshack. us / img242 / 377 / wdyhgmxw6. jpg


	19. Everything's Made To Be Broken

Author's note: Hi my beautiful readers. Approximately six weeks after I promised that it would only be days, I'm finally giving you an update. As usual, thank yous and responses are at the end but I want to say that if it weren't for Elena (Typokween) I wouldn't have gotten this done at all. Title and lyrics for this chapter are from the song 'Iris' with Go Go Dolls. (Ellie, thank you for suggesting that!)

* * *

**CHAPTER 19- ****When Everything's Made To Be Broken**

_And I'd give up forever to touch you  
Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
And I don't want to go home right now_

-l-

It's dark outside when they leave the club to get a cab and Brooke remains very quiet the whole ride back to his house. He's still upset but he doesn't push her. Instead he tries to make his intoxicated brain sober up and form the questions that he wants answered.

Stuff like what the hell Nathan could do for her that he can't or if she talks to his brother about their lost baby. He feels as if he needs to know why he is still being kept out of the loop of things when all he tries to do is to love her. And he needs to know why the hell Rachel and his brother are all of a sudden against him, when they had all been so eager to get him and Brooke back together just a couple of weeks ago.

Brooke however doesn't seem at all eager to talk about anything. This much is clear to him even after a couple of drinks. She keeps her distance in the backseat of the cab and it makes him even more frustrated. He has gotten used to being close to her physically the last couple of days and now the space between them seems almost mocking. Twice he reaches out to pull her close and twice she shrugs away.

Finally he just sighs and leans towards the window on his own side. But as soon as they get into the hallway of his house he takes a deep breath and launches the question that seems most prominent in his mind.

"Are you ever going to let me in or are you going to keep punishing me forever?"

"What?"

She's in the middle of hanging her jacket on the coat-hanger when the words spill out of his mouth and she turns to look at him with a confused expression. He realizes that some of the bitterness is back in his voice and he takes a deep breath.

"Punish me for _leaving_ you" he clarifies tiredly and rubs his face. "I know that it was the wrong choice but I'm fucking trying here, Brooke. I want to be let in so badly… I'm sorry that I freaked out at the club, but almost two years is enough. I don't want to be closed out any longer…"

When she just looks back at him, he feels like he wants to scream. They can't keep living in the bubble of 'pretend' that has shielded them the last week. She's hurting; he wants to help her and it damn near kills him that she won't let him try. On top of it, he doesn't have a clue when she'll be leaving him to go back to New York, because that seems to be another topic that is closed for him. And honestly – he has some problems of his own…

"I'm not punishing you, Lucas," she mumbles back and walks towards the living room. "That has never been my intention. I just really don't want to fight…"

He tries to stay calm and follows her. For the first time in ages, he looks around in his home. And seeing it with her eyes, he realizes how empty it really is. No pictures on the walls, no plants, no unnecessary belongings. Just the most important things.

The rest of his furniture and the pictures and paintings and stuff from his apartment in New York were still in storage. Put away so that he wouldn't be reminded of her.

Brooke walks over to the couch and sits down tiredly. The white dress slides up and reveals most of her thighs but, for the first time in a week, his priority isn't to kiss her or make love to her. He wants answers and he freaking wants them now.

"Is this some shit about you thinking that I'll leave again?" he asks and his voice is rising slightly. In the back of his mind he still hears her begging voice in the bar;

"_What is it that you want from me Luke? Do you want me to talk to you? Is that it?"_

It's exactly what he wants. He wants her to yell if that's needed. Hit him, scream at him, cry like she did on the beach. Just as long as she tells him something. _Anything_.

Her eyes are sad and she wraps her arms around herself. Pulls her legs in under her body and watches him where he's still standing in the middle of the half-empty room. He hates it, but it's as if the drinks he had has made it impossible for him to be the stable and calm guy that she needs. Instead he behaves as if he's angry at her, when in fact he's just pissed off at himself and maybe his brother.

"Is it?" he asks again and takes a step forward. "Because I'm not going to, Brooke. I'm not leaving."

She closes her eyes and breathes out a silent "Good."

The answer surprises him, because it's not the one he expected. He expected her to say that she knows he won't. Now he wonders if all the love he has tried to convey the last couple of days have been in vain. If she doesn't even know this…

"Brooke" he says and waits until she looks at him, suddenly longing for that half-full glass of whiskey that he left in the bar. "I'm dead serious right now, and if you don't answer, then I don't know what to do…" He walks closer and crouches down in front of her. "You _know_ that I love you, right?"

She nods, even whispers a silent "Yes" and he breathes out in relief. So far, so good.

"So why can you not talk to me?"

This time she doesn't look away and for the first time in the last week, her stare is almost defiant. It almost reminds him of the old stubborn Brooke.

"Why do you think that everything is about you?" she asks and her chin juts out a little. "Why can't you just accept that there is stuff about me that I don't want to talk about and that no one can fix? Not you, not Rachel, not Nathan."

She's just a foot away and he can feel her scent, yet it feels like there are miles between them.

"Talking hurts, thinking hurts, and fighting with you hurts even more!" she adds in a voice that borders on upset. "Why can't all of you just leave it alone?"

Angry Brooke is at least better than the apathetic version; he thinks and stares back at her.

"Because I love you" he states, sounding surprisingly calm. "And because I'm worried, just like you said that Nathan is. Yet you're not telling him to leave it alone, are you?"

The last sentence seems to be the final drop needed and Brooke frustratingly flings her hands out in a helpless gesture.

"God, you drive me _insane_!" she yells and tears suddenly glisten in her eyes. "Why can't you understand that this has nothing to do with Nathan?! When I asked Rachel to call him, I was just trying to save my friendship with _her_!"

She furiously wipes at her eyes before continuing. "And I don't want to talk to you because I'm scared fucking shitless that you'll realize just how damaged I am, okay? I'm _terrified_ that I'll _never_ heal, and that _you_ are too broken as well!"

Shocked at her outburst, he just stares at her.

"But I…" he then chokes out, "I… I mean, did _you_ ask for Nathan? I thought…"

He doesn't understand. That wasn't the impression that he had gotten from either Rachel or his brother. They had both made it sound like the idea had been the redhead's and that Brooke had hated it at first.

But his thoughts are interrupted by Brooke yelling at him. "Fuck _Nathan_! What I tell him is NOT the problem here! The problem is that I'm a freaking _pill-addict_ and that you are a damn _alcoholic_ in denial!!"

Silence.

Complete and utter silence.

Tears are rushing down her cheeks and he blinks. Once and then again. Seconds pass and then he swallows loudly. The choice is his now but is he ready to put the cards on the table? Is _he_ ready to let _her_ in?

"I'm n-not an al-alcoholic…" he stutters. "I've had a problem… but it…"

He can't do it. He can't tell her that ever since he fought with Nathan at the beach, a slight worry has settled inside him. Thoughts about wanting - _needing_ - to drink on occasions when it shouldn't even come to mind. Like now. There's nothing he wants more right now than a double whiskey straight.

He follows the tears that roll down her face and drip onto the chest of her white dress. And for each one, he feels like he's betraying her.

"Don't lie…" she whispers. "We can work on this Luke, but _please_ don't lie…"

It's the hardest thing he's ever done. Almost harder than leaving New York. Yet he stands up slowly and mumbles;

"I'm not lying."

_And all I can taste is this moment  
And all I can breathe is your life  
Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight_

-b-

She can't find it. She's looked everywhere and panic is setting in. Because if she can't find it soon, she feels as if it'll be gone forever.

It would be so much easier if he was here but Lucas is missing too. And everywhere she looks in the darkened park; the same thing meets her. Compact forest and no way out.

She stumbles on a branch and almost falls, but she gets up again. It's hard to keep running with her injured leg. Her belly hurts and her hands and arms are covered in bleeding scratches. The left side of her face thumps painfully, but she's used to this. This is what happens after the truck. This is what always happens.

So why can't she find the blanket?

"Brooke!"

Someone is calling her name and she spins around. The blonde head of hair is so familiar and so comforting that she wants to cry out of relief. _Lucas_. He's alive.

But then she sees what he's holding and she stops dead in her tracks. The blanket is scrunched up in hand and he looks angry.

"This means _nothing_ to you…" he whispers coldly and walks backwards toward the dark trees. "You can't even acknowledge that it was real…"

Her heart breaks. 'That's not true!' she wants to scream at him but when she opens her mouth, no sound comes out. In panic her hands go to her midsection and she fumbles to cover the hole that she knows is there. It's just that she can't seem to find it and when she looks down, something is leaking out where the hole used to be.

Millions and millions of little white pills. They're all over the ground too and they are growing in numbers until she can hardly see either Lucas or the blanket he's holding.

"I need you…" she begs and reaches out for him, but he just looks back at her.

"Do you?"

His voice is diminishing in volume and she starts crying. This is not the way it's supposed to go. She found him. He can't leave her now…

So she screams his name as loudly as she can. Over and over and over...

'_Cause sooner or later it's over  
I just don't want to miss you tonight_

-l-

He's crying too, just like she is. Maybe because the sight of her in this state is so damn heartbreaking. Maybe because he shouldn't have left her alone. All he wanted was to take a walk and clear his head after he had lied straight to her face. In all honesty he knows it – he lied.

She _had_ said that it was okay though. While she brushed her teeth and swallowed those pills right in front of him, she had said that she wasn't angry and that she understood that he needed some space. He had told her again that he wasn't having a drinking problem, desperate for her to believe it, and she simply said "Okay." But her eyes had been so empty and he should have known that she needed him here.

"Calm down, baby…" he begs and wraps her in his arms tighter, efficiently locking her kicking legs under his. "I'm here…. I'm here…"

She keeps crying hysterically, begging him for things that he can't provide; like a blanket and some missing hole. He wishes that he knew what she needs but he can't do anything other than hold her and hope that his arms can comfort her even inside the dream. Nothing seems to work though and finally he grows desperate. He can't keep watching her being this scared and he reaches out and pulls in a corner of the bed's comforter.

"Here, Brooke!" he says loudly. "Here! Take the blanket!"

He pushes the material into her hands and holds her even tighter. "Take the blanket, Brooke…"

Her hands close around the fabric and her screams fade into wrenching sobs. His heart beats hard in his chest and he waits. Keeps stroking her hair and hugging her tight, keeps whispering soothing words just like the first night she slept in his bed. His conscious is beating down on him and he wants her to wake up so that he can confess to whatever she wants, but she just keeps sobbing with the comforter pressed against her chest.

"I didn't mean to lie…" he whispers, while pressing his lips to her forehead. "I just don't want you to leave me."

As he says the words he realizes that he's saying the exact same things that she did earlier. She had been afraid of showing herself vulnerable because she thought he couldn't deal with it, just like he had reasoned when he lied into her face. Of course in his case, he hadn't even been able to deal with it himself.

Feeling his stomach lurch he also realizes that Nathan is right. How can he take care of Brooke if he can't even be honest?

His pretty girl turns in his arms and the way she hugs that 'blanket' rips at his insides. Then she starts mumbling in her sleep.

"Don't… don't take… the baby… please. I can't… find…"

Silent tears still roll down her cheeks and his heart breaks.

He has _never_ wanted a drink as bad as now. But even after her sobs have stopped and she seems to sleep soundly next to him again, he stays.

Even for an _alcoholic_ like himself – the choice is simple. Between Brooke and the bottle, she always comes first. Always.

_And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
When everything seems like the movies  
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive_

-h-

Haley walks into Lucas' house without knocking just as she always does. She throws her purse in a nearby chair and it's not until she's passing the empty bedroom that she realizes that she probably should have knocked before entering. Since her faux pas the other day she's not sure what she could be walking in on.

It's strangely silent in the house and she starts to wonder. The text Nathan had received from Lucas said that he wanted to talk, yet she walks on into the kitchen feeling almost afraid that she's going to find Lucas and Brooke naked and doing it on the kitchen floor this time.

But instead she finds Lucas standing by sink, doing the dishes. And the second he turns towards her, she almost wishes that she _had_ walked in on him and Brooke in the act. Because covering her eyes while blushing and cursing would have felt a whole lot better than walking in on this.

She's seen Lucas drunk enough times to instantly recognize the sluggish body-language, red glossy eyes and blank expression. He smiles tiredly towards her and she shakes her head. She looks around in search for the bottle that is sure to be lurking around somewhere close by, but finds nothing.

It's hardly past ten in the morning and since Lucas is a relapsing alcoholic in denial, these sudden behavioural changes are not a good sign. Walking closer she wonders why her brother in law even texted Nathan and asked him to come by when he had obviously been drinking. If Nathan saw Lucas like this, he would flip out.

"Morning Hales," Lucas mumbles and places the glass he's just rinsed down onto the counter beside the rest of the clean dishes.

"Exactly..." she mutters back and sighs. "Morning…"

Lucas doesn't seem to pick up on the disappointment in the tone of her voice and honestly, she's not all that surprised. Walking past him she stops and opens the cupboard in which the trashcan is in and looks down.

The two empty bottles peak out like a stop-sign. She clears her throat and points to them and Lucas just sighs.

"Had a party?" she says and raises an eyebrow while nodding towards the full trashcan.

"No. Where's Nathan?"

He sounds strangely cold but she ignores the question and closes the cupboard again before asking, "Where's Brooke?"

He looks away and suddenly she feels confused. Because when she stands closer to him, the blank look she had assumed was there before suddenly looks more like exhaustion and his eyes are not only red-rimmed but extremely sad.

"She's sleeping in the bedroom. She had a really bad night." He explains and busies himself with wiping down the counters.

She hates that the air in the room has become so tense. It almost suffocates her and she tries to gulp large breathes of air to make it stop. It's like being transported 15 months back in time, to when Lucas was constantly unreachable. Just to make sure, she looks at him closely and asks, "Have you been drinking?" but he just shakes his head.

"I poured the shit out…" he mumbles and pulls a hand through his short blonde hair. "I need to speak to Nathan though… where is he?"

She watches him sceptically. She's asked him the same question so many times and he's never admitted to being drunk even when he was. So why should she believe him now?

As if he's reading her mind, he takes the two steps over to her and grabs her head between his hands. Then he blows straight into her face. There's not the slightest smell of alcohol on his breath. Not even the minty scent of the mouthwash he used to use to try and trick her with before covers her flesh. She immediately allows her tensed shoulders to ease up a bit but it doesn't lessen the knot in her stomach.

"I didn't drink," he presses. "At least not today."

She's relieved of course, but she's also shocked. She frowns slightly as she watches him slump down into the closest kitchen chair and bury his face in his hands. Hesitantly she reaches out and puts a hand on his shoulder. It's been so long since she saw him without the cold masque.

"I came instead of Nathan. He felt like you two argued enough last night… But I can call him," she says softly. "Is everything okay, Luke? What happened?"

Another sigh slips out of her childhood friend, so hollow that it sends shivers down her spine, and his voice is cracking when he answers.

"I called Rachel. She's on her way to take care of Brooke." Then he says the words she's been waiting for the last 17 months. "I need someone to drive me to AA…"

_And I don't want the world to see me  
__'Cause I don't think that they'd understand_

-r-

Rachel pulls the covers up over her dark haired friend and silently backtracks out of the room. By experience she knows that Brooke probably will be knocked out for hours. Having nights like the one Lucas had described over the phone could sometimes make Brooke sleep the whole day.

Carefully she closes the door and walks into the kitchen where she finds Lucas and Haley by the table. Lucas is still gulping down masses of black coffee and he looks so detached that she wants to smack him in the face. But she doesn't. If it's anything she knows, then it's the helplessness he's feeling right now. She's felt it so many nights this past year and a half that she's stopped counting.

"Still knocked out…" she mumbles and grabs a cup of coffee for herself. Lucas looks up and gives her a tired smile that she answers with a shrug. "Can I talk to you for a second?" she adds. "Alone?"

Without being asked, Haley rises from the table and picks up her cell phone. "I'm gonna call Nathan," she says and walks out the back-door. Then the kitchen once again turns quiet, at least while she pours milk into the coffee and stirs the potion to the beige color she wants.

"So now she knows…" she mutters to herself just as much as to Lucas. "She knows that you're a drunk, and you know that she is freaking mentally unstable." She doesn't really mean the last part but sometimes that's how she feels. As if Brooke woke up after the miscarriage with a complete personality change.

Lucas blinks and looks down into the table's surface without speaking, the only indication that he's listening is the slight nod of his head. At least they are getting _somewhere_.

"What will it be now, then? Are you sticking with it or are you gonna run off with your tail behind your legs like a coward?"

The expression on Lucas face as she says the harsh words gives her all she needs but she still waits for his answer. The anger is a good start but she needs to hear the words.

"Cut it out, Rach!" he growls. "You _know_ that I'm sticking with this. Would I fucking be here if I was running off? Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. _Anything_, okay?"

She smiles on the inside because she _does_ know. Just as well as Nathan and Haley, she has known it all along. The worry was never about Lucas loving Brooke, it was only about the lack of 'sharing' between the two. Even if she's a cold-hearted bitch most of the time, that doesn't mean that she doesn't understand that one needs to open up to heal.

"Down boy…" she mutters and takes a sip of her coffee. "No need to bite my head off. I just need to make certain things clear."

There's still a tiny hint of anger on his face but he nods again. So she starts reciting the list and she's still giving out orders when Nathan walks in ten minutes later. The raven haired Scott-brother stops in the door and watches Lucas' concentrated face. In the seriousness of the situation, Nathan actually cracks a smile.

She smiles back. Because she finally feels as if things are moving in the right direction. Even though her best friend is currently drugged half unconscious in the next room, Lucas is at least making progress.

At least that's one out of two.

_When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

-b-

Still in a half-daze, Brooke blinks and looks around in the dimly lit bedroom. Her fingers hurt and she slowly straightens them, letting go of the fabric she's been clutching. A cool hand strokes away some hair from her face and then Rachel's familiar voice whispers, "Time to wake up, slut-face…"

She groans and closes her eyes again. Her head pounds as if a sledge-hammer has been having a field-day behind her forehead and she knows why. She took three pills last night when she should have taken one.

And she knows that Rachel knows it too.

"I don't want to go…" she mutters. With the situation with Lucas last night, the discussion she had with the redhead the other day about New York and the company frightens her even more. Going back to New York feels even less appealing now. She can't leave him here.

Rachel strokes her hair again and sighs. "I know B… I know…"

She forces her eyes open again and looks up on the redhead. She takes comfort in the smile on her friend's face because it tells her that Rachel isn't still angry with her for all the harsh things she said. But her heart still aches.

She vaguely remembers the hours after waking up from the nightmares. How Lucas was crying and saying sorry and how she didn't know what to say.

"_I'm sorry baby… I'm so, so, sorry… I won't drink again, Brooke__…"_

What hurts the most isn't that Lucas confessed to being an alcoholic and it's not that he lied about it either. It's the fact that when he opened up to her, she had been totally unable to respond. The residue of fear from the dream and the numbness from the sleeping-pills had basically made her into a zombie and from what she can remember she had barely done more than nod when he spilled his heart.

"Where is he?" she mumbles quietly and grabs Rachel's hand to hold it still. "I need to talk to him."

She's terrified of the answer but she still has to ask. A quick glance at the alarm-clock on the nightstand tells her that it's after four in the afternoon. If Lucas has left, she needs to know. But Rachel just smiles and hushes her.

"He's in the kitchen with Nathan" she says. "I think he's scared to come in here. He doesn't say it but I think he's dumb enough to actually think that his drinking problem will make you kick him to the curb…" Rachel rolls her eyes. "Stupid boy… Like that would _ever_ happen… And here I was thinking that it was just Peyton who was stupid but apparently it goes for all the blondes in this hell-hole of a hicktown…"

The utter relief she feels makes her let out the breath she's been holding and she sits up, but Rachel simply pushes her back down with a snort.

"Stay put B," she orders. "I'll get him for you."

And then her redheaded friend places a very uncharacteristical kiss on her forehead and leaves.

-l-

_I don't want the world to see me  
Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
When everything's made to be broken  
I just want you to know who I am_

As Lucas slips in through the half-open bedroom door, he feels like a nervous school boy. His heart thumps in his chest as if it's on the verge of breaking through the ribs. According to Rachel, Brooke asked for him. In a way it feels scary because now she will hear him.

In some way it had been easier to confess to his 'problem' when she wasn't awake for real.

"Hi baby…" he mumbles when his eyes adjust to the darker room and most of his fears fall away when she instantly reaches for him. Without hesitating he gets up into the bed and wraps her in his arms.

"I'm sorry" he breathes for what feels like the millionth time since last night but she violently shakes her head.

"Don't say sorry, Luke" she pushes. "We'll get through this… I'll stay here. I will. And I'll try to open up more… I just don't want you to…"

Even in the semi-darkness he sees the tremble of her bottom lip and he interrupts her.

"Leave? I told you, Brooke. I won't. _Ever_."

She nods slowly as if she's not believing what he's saying to a hundred percent. And he understands her. As late as last night he had left her when she needed him. _Again_. Even if it was only for an hour.

But in the back of his head he keeps hearing Rachel's and Nathan's reassuring words and he takes a deep breath.

"Pretty girl?"

He cups her face in his palms and ignores the way his hands are shaking. What ever he can do to help her, he'll do. Because it's the only way he can help himself. She looks at him and waits and the mere memory of what last night was like gives him the final push.

"I will _never ever_ leave you," he states as calmly as possible. "But I'm an alcoholic… and I need to get help for that so that I can be what you need me to be, okay?"

The first tear rolls down her cheek and he wipes it away with the pad of his thumb. "It's the only way, Brooke. I can't be like this and still be strong for you. You need to go back to New York so that you can take care of your company and…"

The second and third tear comes quickly now and before he gets to finish, they're cascading down her face. "No!" she forces out loudly. "I'm _not_ leaving. I'll stay here with you!"

The way she clutches his t-shirt allows him let go of the last fear of being rejected. She hasn't said a word about what will happen once its time for her to leave and go back to her life but the panic in her eyes tells him all he needs to know. Rachel had been right.

"No you won't" he says and wipes the new tears from her face. "Whether or not you want to, you're going back. And I'll just have to come with you…"

She gets ready to contradict him again. To interrupt and yell in his face. But when he lets out the last words, she falls silent and her eyes grow big. Her mouth opens and closes and he wishes that he could kiss her, because he _needs_ the feel of her lips, but he doesn't want to take away from the seriousness of the moment. Just like Rachel had said; it's crucial that she understands that this is what will happen. That the decision isn't hers to make.

_He sat by the table and spun the cup of coffee in his hands. Rachel was going to lay down the rules and all he could do was to listen__. If the guilt wasn't forcing him to, then the fire in the eyes of the redhead sure would do the trick to keep him seated._

"_First of all," she said and walked past him to the sink. "You're gonna get treatment for this or I __swear to God that I'll never let you lay hands on Brooke again. Secondly, you need to fucking figure out what you want for yourself Luke, because Brooke needs to go back to New York. She has her life there and her company. Even if she wants to stay here with you, she can't hide in Tree Hill forever…"_

_He closed his eyes and stopped spinning the mug. How many times hadn't he pondered this issue lately? The empty bottles in the trashcan were evidence of that. He sighed and nodded, not certain if Rachel was watching him. He nodded because it was expected of him and because he knew that she was right._

_Brooke would have to leave and not even before this mess had she asked him if he wanted to come with her. Now the chance was even less._

"_So thirdly…"_

_She came back around the table and sat down across from him. "I'm aware of the fact that she needs you. And don't look at me like that, Sponge-Bob," she muttered when he made a face at her words. "She DOES need you, even though I'm not always so sure why. As I said when we sat at this table weeks ago; I need her, which means that we need to figure how that equation will work out best for the both of you."_

_Confused, he frowned. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or the truckload of worries hanging over his head but he wasn't following even though he tried to concentrate._

"_Wha-what do you mean?" he stuttered. "You know that I only want what's best for her, Rachel. It's all I've ever wanted."_

"_Even in high school?" the redhead said with a raised eyebrow that reminded him of Brooke. And even though he saw the point of her question, he nodded solemnly. Even then. _

_Tiredly he rub__bed his temples and if he had ever wished to be a smoker, it would have been now. A cigarette would at least have given him something to do other than just waiting for Rachel to yell at him. Although he probably didn't need another bad habit on top of the drinking. Being a drunk was bad enough._

_With what he could__ feel was a tired posture, he took a deep breath. "I understand that you don't want me near her before I've 'fixed this'" he let out. "And maybe not even then. But I need to talk to her, Rach… I need to try and explain."_

_For a second Rachel's eyes grew uncharacteristically soft. "But you told her after the nightmare, right?"_

_He nodded. "Yeah, but she wasn't really awake… I don't even think she heard me."_

_Rachel looked over his head towards the backdoor and smiled. And he turned, prepared to see Haley. Instead Nathan was in the doorway and he felt even more ashamed._

"_She heard you," his younger brother said and leaned against the doorpost. You know Brooke, Luke. She has the freaking hearing of a bat." Then Nathan looked at him more seriously. "Haley says you want to get treatment. You mean that?"_

"_Yes."_

_There was no hesitation in his voice and Nathan looked relieved. "I'm glad to hear that, bro."_

_Aware that there would have to be some serious apology-making to Nathan, he was still relieved that his brother seemed to believe his word. Lord knows that he had lied more times than to really deserve that trust. He mumbled out a silent__ "Brooke's gonna hate me though," and Nathan put a comforting hand on his shoulder when he added, "How the hell do you tell the person you love that you're a drunk. Just like the fucker that almost killed her?" _

_B__ut Rachel just snorted and waved Nathan away._

"_Look _Broody_! Stop the fucking pity-party already and get with the program, okay? Brooke _loves_ you. How many times am I going to have to keep telling you that before it actually sticks!?"_

_He hung his head again and let the rest of Rachel's curses rain over his head and then she pulled her iPhone out of her purse and snorted, "Make yourself useful, Scott, and find out what we need" before throwing the phone over his head to Nathan's awaiting hands. "I seem to need another five minutes alone with the martyr here." _

_Nathan saluted sarcastically and slipped out in to the garden. Then Rachel turned back to him and frowned._

"_Don't make me regret this, Lucas…" she mumbled. "Please, just__ fucking prove me right."_

Brooke keeps looking at him like a deer stuck in the headlights and he brushes her cheek softly with his thumb.

"Y-you're coming with me?" she whispers and he nods. She looks so freaking beautiful that if the situation weren't so bad, he'd get down on one knee and ask her to be his wife right this instant. And one day he will, he thinks. As soon as they are both a little more healed.

"Nathan found me a facility in New York that does open day-treatment. And I was down at the AA-center while you slept and signed myself up. Rachel says that there's a great AA down by Central Park and that I just have to get a New York sponsor…"

Her jaw tenses. But her eyes are still wide and her bottom lip trembles.

"That is if you want me to…" he then says a little less assuredly, because a tiny fear is still present, and the lack of reaction or answer from Brooke is starting to scare him.

A fragment of a second later, her palm hits him square across the cheek. The slapping sound is loud in the silent bedroom and he pulls a hand up to his face in confusion.

"Don't you EVER scare me like that again, Lucas Scott!" she yells and throws herself on him, clasping her arms around his neck in a tight grip. "I thought you were going to make me go _without_ you!"

Carefully he wraps his arms around her and pulls her up into his lap so that she straddles him. He's tired as hell, he's an alcoholic about to go to treatment and his girlfriend has just slapped him across the face with the force of a grown man.

But he smiles. Wide.

"When the hell are you going to start listening to me Brooke Penelope Davis?" he asks and runs his hands up and down her back. "I've told you a million times now that you can't get rid of me."

Brooke laughs between the tears of relief. And while his cheek still stings, she kisses him.

_I just want you to know who I am__…_

-l-

* * *

Author's note: Things have been moving extremely slowly in this story for a while and I'm aware of that. But as I try to remember when I'm angry at Mark Schwan, there is a reason for everything (even though I often wonder if his reasons will ever come clear). Prepare for a slight time-jump though. Ladies and gentlemen; the time in Tree Hill is over for now.

**Thank you's**:

First of all, this chapter's biggest thank you goes to a girl that gave me the writing-spirit back after weeks of pure nothing: Elena aka Typokween. You are just the holy grail of inspiration and I hope that we'll get to do loads of stories together even after we've finished TW. As I've said to you a million times already; You ROCK! Thank you for your brilliant input on this chapter and for an amazing review of the last one. And of course I love the banner, silly! It's freaking amazing!

Corey: You are a never drying well of comfort when it comes to this story. And you deserve the biggest hug for beta-ing my miserable over-use of commas LOL. And your test-reading of the beginning of this was what made me continue. Thank you sweetie.

Stefy: I miss you, pretty girl. I'm sad that I never got to show you beforehand what talking to you about this chapter turned into. I hope that we'll get to see you online more soon. Thank you for all your support. I love you baby.¨

Daniel: Baby, baby, baby... can you please come home from that island soon? I need you online so that I can rant about all the things in my head and in my bed so I can kiss you. When I see you, I need to tell you about this vision that I have. Maybe it can turn into that LH-story you wanted? Love you babe. Mucho. And one can say that this is like a little gift for you, since today is your birthday. 3

Cheyenne: Hey shorty. I've been awful lately, both at reviewing and being mentally 'present', but you are great as always. I can't wait to read the AL-chapter and if I don't review, you are allowed to hit me. Seriously. :D

Cami: To you I have only one thing to say; how great is it that you are my childhood bestie on FF? Lol, well of course I want to say 'thank you' too. I still want to hear about that story...

Andie: Andie hun, what can I say? Your reviews are like a treasure-chest. I open it up and smile at all the gold you're giving me. I can't begin to tell you how happy I am to find someone else that finds angry/jealous Scott-brothers hot! Rachel got a slight chance to yell too in this chapter and I think she deserved it LOL. there's so much left to solve and I promise to give you more buzz-cutted Lucas ;) Just one thing Andie, I know that happily ever after's don't begin with 'I love you's… but they can end with them… Have you thought of that? ;) Thank you, thank you, thank you. Reviews like yours keep me going.

Jules: thank you my wonderful queen. :D Your reviews always contain so much warmth and love, Jules. I haven't talked to you as much lately, even counted the big convos. Are you alright? Hope to talk to you soon and that you found this chapter good. Much love, sweetie.

Chelsea: I bet it felt like a lifetime again?  I'm sorry. I just hope that this chapter can somehow make up for the almost 6 weeks long wait. I love how you always manage to read between the lines, Chels. Like you read the stuff that I want you to see and you understand. I'm so happy that you like RO and that the BR relationship is important to you too. Then of course there is my fascination with BN… LOL I hope that this chapter was up to par with what you wanted from the BL talk. I love your reviews and you know it. :D

Michelle: I'm so glad you liked it. Because I sure as hell Loved that review of yours. LOL I hope that you were pleased to see an R/O free chapter, but don't count on that happening every time ;) The pill/alcohol problems are out in the open now and I guess we'll see what happens, right. Thank you for a beautiful review.

Allie: You must be a mind reader. So long between the updates and you send me an IM right when I'm writing the thank you's. I love your reviews and you know it and I love that you called Brooke on brushing Lucas off in your review. It was stupid of her, but maybe the talk cleared some things up? R/O will most definitely come back and there will be an explanation to Lucas' career. Thank you for the amazing review. :D

Ebony: You got your wish :D I came to visit on FF and I'll come again soon. I'll also try and be a little more frequent with the updates LOL. But thank you for the review sweetie and the encouragement the other night. All you girls are amazing.

Trish, Ella & Shaz: It's good to know that I still have the support from you who have been faithful since the beginning. Thank you so much for those reviews (and did you see that there wasn't any R/O in this chapter Shaz?)

Yana: I think you're right. It might not have been Nathan's place but at least he's honest, right? LOL and I do often forget that Rachel needs a lovelife, but duh! LOL It's Rachel and like Brooke; how could she not have a 'past'? I loved your review and I hope that this chapter was up to standards. Thank you hun.

Chebelle: I'm glad you like R/O and I know that Nathan has been very hard on Lucas, but like a brother is, he's worried you know? Just to let you know that this is not an on- and off drama LOL. Brucas is too important. Thanks for a great review hun. :D

Bella, Carabell & Sara: thank you, thank you, thank you. You are so sweet and your words make me write a better story. Awesome.

TeamSophia, Jlil-wolf-grlD, Spacegirl23 & Tanya: Welcome to the story. I'm glad you like it and I'm ecstatic about the reviews. Thank you.

Carla: And to you of course, for slowly but surely catching up with this story. I love every single review you write me. :D

Vicky, Kat, Kelli, Hilary, Natalie, Adrianne, Whitney and all you other cuties over at FF: Mwuah! (that's the sound of one big ass kiss!) Thank you all so much for the ongoing compliments and reassurance. 3

BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE, PeterClaire, : Awesome reviews and I'm so thankful. I know that it's been a lot of conflicts to resolve but we'll get a new court to play with now :D Thank you all.

Jem, Princetongirl, 2ndChild, AmbrooCoo, BrOoKe DaViS23, rossnrachrock, Brucas3Naley23, brookenlucas4eva03, Nina, brucas224, brucas333: All of you, the biggest thank you ever! I mean it. :D


	20. The Drugs Don't Work

Author's note: I'm not gonna say anything about the long wait (just know that I feel bad about it). The new chapter takes place three months after the last one and it's as ridiculously long as always. It surely wouldn't be up without the help of Stefy, Elena and Corey, so a huge 'thank you' to you girls. More thank you's are at the bottom. I also want to take the opportunity to promote mine and Elena's (Typokween) new story **Comfortable Liar**. It's my favorite project so far and there's a link to it in my profile.

Title and lyrics in this chapter is from Ben Harper's beautiful song with the same name.

* * *

**CHAPTER 20 – ****The Drugs Don't Work**

_All this talk is__ getting old  
Is getting me down my love  
Like a cat in a bag  
Waiting to drown_

-l-

"How often do the two of you talk about the accident?"

Lucas leans back into the couch and intertwines his fingers with Brooke's. A clock ticks in the background and he squirms a little under the eyes of Dr. Newman, their highly recommended therapist.

"We don't" he mumbles and bites the inside of his cheek, knowing that they're treading into dangerous territories. Five minutes and they're already at the most forbidden topic of all. Rachel had been right; this woman _was_ worth the money.

"Why not?"

Good question. Then again, if he knew the answer then they wouldn't be sitting here. Because if he knew the answer, then he would have done what ever it took to fix this on his own. He would have taken every single precaution to protect and heal Brooke. But he doesn't know the answer, so instead he goes with the official reason.

With what Brooke tells him every time he tries to open up the can of worms.

"Because Brooke doesn't want to" he says calmly, trying not to make it sound as if he blames her for this. "It makes her nightmares worse and she says that we should leave it in the past."

"Is that true, Brooke?"

The therapist turns to his girlfriend instead. Smiles comfortingly and waits. And Brooke nods and answers just as calmly. "Yes. Talking about it won't change anything. What happened, happened. We're going to be fine."

The clock keeps ticking in the background.

It's been thirteen weeks since he moved up to New York with her and Rachel. Or actually three months and four days. And hearing the soft tick-tock reminds him that they're moving forward excruciatingly slowly.

This is the second visit to Dr. Newman's office, it had taken forever to get Brooke to come along for this, and after she had finally agreed it took another two weeks before they could even find a date in Brooke's hectic schedule.

Time is not something that he feels like they can waste, and yet last week, during their first session, the woman told them that healing _takes_ time.

It's a laughable statement, because if anyone knows that, then it's him.

"Do you agree Lucas?" the therapist questions and tilts her head to the side.

He hesitates and glances at his girlfriend. Does he agree?

Brooke looks okay. A little tired, sure, but she looks tired most of the time. Between work wearing her out and the little amount of sleep she always seems to get, it's probably inevitable. He just doesn't want to make anything worse.

"Lucas?"

"No" he mumbles and holds the small hand in his a little tighter. "I feel like there's stuff that still needs to be sorted through. And Brooke knows that I feel this way. That's why we're here." He adds the last part to reassure both himself and his pretty girl that this therapy thing is good for them both.

"Let's talk about you for a second Lucas," the woman says and puts her pen down on the notepad. "You've been struggling with your own share of problems during the last two years, haven't you Lucas?"

With Dr. Newman looking at him now, he in turn glances at Brooke. It feels weird to talk through a third person like this and he totally understands people's hesitance of signing up for this kind of 'help'. Still he mumbles "Yeah."

"And now you've joined AA?"

He nods. Even though the twenty-questions game is annoying him already, he swallows it. He's here for Brooke's sake so that she can open up. Work through the demons that keep her from sleeping.

"My brother signed me in with the Carnegie Hill section when I got back to New York three months ago" he says and squeezes Brooke's hand.

"And has it been helping you?"

"Yeah, I had a slip up two months ago, but after that I've stayed sober. My AA-counselor thought that this was a good idea too, that Brooke and I went to talk to someone together…"

Brooke squeezes back and she leans into him as if she's proud. Somehow it makes him feel guilty. Because one mistake is bad enough. He shouldn't have been drinking _at all_.

"What caused the slip-up?" Dr Newman asks and this time he hesitates for a longer period of time and sighs. If he tells, then he feels like he's blaming Brooke. Hanging her out to dry in an unfair way. But they were supposed to be completely honest here. If they weren't, this wouldn't help.

"I drank because I couldn't deal with seeing Brooke _hurt_ so much" he mumbles quietly. "She wouldn't talk to me. It makes me feel… useless."

Even though he's not looking at Brooke, he knows that she's just turned as tense as a violin string. Her thumb is no longer gracing his knuckles and her thigh moves away from his on the couch, leaving him feel empty and cold.

"Why would _you_ feel useless, Luke?" she whispers in a hurt voice. But before he can respond, the therapist interrupts.

"What was that, Brooke?" she asks and leans forward a little. "I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you."

"I asked him _why_ he would feel useless." The raspy voice that he loves so much sounds tired and defeated and he feels guilty when he turns to look at her. "I've told you a hundred times Luke. You're the _best_ thing in my life. Since we got back together, everything is getting so much better." The voice turns pleading and he inwardly cringes when she adds; "Everything is _okay_ now."

"Is it?" he asks and holds her gaze steady with his own, not caring that the therapist looks at both of them over the table. "It's _not_ okay, Brooke. _You're_ not okay."

And suddenly her face turns into an emotionless mask and he seriously wonders if any of this was a good idea. Maybe he should have just let her keep on pretending?

"I'm as okay as I can be" she says and stares right through him. "I'm doing as good as I can."

He sighs. "Sure you are" he mumbles feeling defeated, and the woman right across from them looks at the clock.

"Well I think that's enough for today…"

Enough?

Then why does it feel like they haven't even started?

_Now the drugs don't work,  
t__hey just make you worse…_

-l-

"Hi, my name is Lucas Scott… and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi Lucas!"

The fifty or something voices in the small room echoes back at him as one. He looks around at the familiar faces and braves a smile. He's used to this by now. As used to it as one can ever be.

"I'm an alcoholic" he continues, "but I've been sober now for 2 months. It's been tough but I'm still not drinking."

Applause. Deafening applause and he nods towards Nathan sitting on the first bench. His brother looks proud and he's glad that Nathan chose today to come by. Because it hasn't been like this for the whole time, that's for sure.

"There's days when I want nothing but to crack open a bottle of alcohol. _Any_ bottle…" He shakes his head and chuckles. "I live in my girlfriend's apartment, off of her paycheck because I don't have a job. She's had a tough year as well, and…" He sighs and looks at the person sitting next to Nathan. "…And there are days when we're struggling _really_ hard."

He bites his lip when Rachel nods back at him in understanding. She knows.

"A couple of days ago I found her in tears on the floor in the hallway because she had nightmares so bad that she couldn't stay in the bed with me… and God knows I wanted to just leave her there and head to the closest open bar… but I didn't."

There are more applause and he smiles crookedly. Then he holds up the chip that marks his two months sobriety. "Thanks to you guys, I didn't" he says and looks down at his dark haired brother and the redhead that he's learned to love. "So thank you again."

Nathan just smiles and he's sure that Rachel mouths "Don't mention it."

But how could he not?

Walking down from the podium he can't help but think that it hadn't worked out the way he thought it would. Following Brooke. Moving to New York. Getting sober…

The first days after moving up from Tree Hill, he had still felt as if he didn't _have_ an alcohol problem. As if his friends had just all over-reacted and there were no shadows hanging over him at all. He didn't need to drink, because he had Brooke. And now that they were together, everything would be like the fairytale.

_Except that didn't happen…_

Rachel and Nathan both pat his back when he comes back to his seat and he chuckles silently and sits down, a little embarrassed that they seem so proud.

"Did she call?" he asks Rachel in a hushed voice and she nods.

"Yeah. She got stuck in a meeting. She said to say that she's soo sorry and she'll be making it up to you tonight."

She smiles crookedly and he knows what she's thinking. She thinks that he's disappointed that Brooke isn't here. And maybe he is? All he knows is that he misses her. He misses her every second that they're apart even if it's just for a couple of hours. But then again, sometimes, even when she's _with_ him, he feels as if she's not.

He smiles back and lets Rachel know that he's okay. "Its fine" he whispers and when she shakes her head, he presses, "Yes it is, Rach. You know that she feels weird about coming here."

The redhead shrugs and he sits back and listens to the rest of the session.

Maybe he had just never though that everyday life with Brooke Davis could be hard. He had kind of pictured them just easing into it and being happy. And they've been happy. Most of the time.

But for Brooke, life in New York meant endless hours at the office and it also meant that she had to go back to her pretend game that everything was fine. At first he played that game with her but as the days went by, he started to come back to the real world.

And what he saw there wasn't pretty at all.

Brooke Davis was a lot more broken than he had imagined. The nightmares was still present most nights but that and the pills she hid in every possible place in the apartment was the just the surface.

The '_pretend'_ was a lot worse.

_I know __I'm on a loosing streak  
As I pass down by your street  
And if you want a show  
Just let me know  
And I'll sing in your ear again_

-b-

It's more chaotic than ever in the office. People are running around everywhere trying to get stuff ready for Autumn Fashion week and she wishes that she would have gone down to support Luke instead. At least there, she had only one worry. Here, she has millions.

"What the hell is that, Millie…" she sighs when her assistant comes in carrying a stack of papers that seems heavy enough to break the young girl's back.

Millicent blushes embarrassed. "It's from your mother. Some legal proposition."

"Jesus…"

She takes a sip of her cold coffee and waves to Rachel that hurries past her open door.

"Crack-whore? Can you come in here?"

Rachel mumbles something incoherent that she bets contains the words 'bossy bitch' but her redheaded friend still enters, complete with the casual smirk on her face.

"What can I do for you, my favorite slutty roommate?" she purrs and sits down across the desk. "You wanna grab some really late lunch?"

"I wish" she huffs and points to the pile of papers that Millicent just put down. "I need your help with this."

Rachel pulls the top one and reads a couple of lines. "Seriously… She's at it _again_?" she asks with a raised brow. "When in the hell is the woman going to get it?"

"Beats me."

They both read in silence for a minute or two and she wants to laugh. Her mother had hardly cared at all when she ended up in the car-crash, but she seemed to have all the time in the world when it came to meddling with this company.

"This is ridiculous" Rachel mutters. "She thinks she's found a loop-hole to veto the spring line."

"And?"

"No way. Philip will make this go away, Brooke. Don't worry about it."

She sighs and leans back in the chair and Rachel eyes her carefully. "What's wrong, Brooke?" she says. "This isn't a big thing, okay? Victoria has no shot at this. She's just trying to piss you off."

It's probably true. During the months that she was still weak after the accident, Victoria had done everything in her power to take charge over the then tiny but rapidly growing company. And Rachel had fought her every step of the way. If Victoria couldn't do it then, she wouldn't do it now either.

She puts the papers down and finally has the guts to really look Rachel in the eyes. She knows that her best friend is waiting for her to ask.

"Was he very disappointed?" she mumbles silently and Rachel shrugs.

"What do you think?"

The raised eyebrow says it all and she sighs. She knows that he is. It's just hard to see him struggle and open up when all she wants is to burry it all and forget. At home they're perfect. Good. And to see him at the AA-center forces her to remember that there's still so much untouched.

"At least I went with him to that shrink again yesterday" she mutters and on the inside she hates how much she sounds like a pouting five year old. "He asked me and I went for _his_ sake, Rachel. You know I don't want all this ripped open again." The papers in her hand suddenly feel so unimportant and she shuffles them aside. "AA is hard for me, Rach" she begs, hoping that her friend will let her off the hook easy. "I can't deal with all the drunk-driving stories…"

"Brooke…" Rachel warns, "Don't cry wolf. I know you hate seeing him in that environment, but it's time to face it sweetie. You and Broody-boy need to _work_ on this shit. At least _he's_ doing his part."

She looks down into the table's surface and she knows that Rachel is right. It's been three months and although she's so in love with the blonde man that she sometimes feels as if she's about to explode, she's still holding back, pushing him away, keeping up a front.

She knows it, he knows it and Rachel knows it. But it's all she can do.

"I've been thinking…" she mumbles back to change the subject. "We could give Victoria some useless executive title at . Some chair where she can't make damage but still feel important…"

Rachel watches her with big eyes, an expression of total confusion on her face. "Seriously B. What _is_ wrong with you? Why would you want to give _anything_ up freely to that vulture? And weren't we just on a completely different subject?"

She shrugs but on the inside she knows exactly why she thought of Victoria.

Because it's her mom. And because one day she wishes to be a _better_ mom herself.

The thought that has been present pretty much all the time during the last three months comes swimming up to the surface from her subconscious. _If she had a baby, then everything would be the way it should._

_And I know your thinking of me  
As you lay down on your side  
Now the drugs don't work  
They just make you worse_

-b-

"Lucas? I'm home."

She drops the bag on chair in the hallway and shrugs off her jacket before walking into the big apartment. Music is blaring from the sound-system in the living room and she smiles at the choice of song.

"Figures…" she mumbles softly to herself and hums along the tunes of Something Corporate's _Konstantine_.

Lucas has and always will be an emo-music lover. When neither she nor Rachel is home, there's always sure to be a tragic love ballad blasting from some part of the house complete with acoustic guitar or smoldering piano bridges.

"Lucas?" she tries again and sticks her head in through the opening to the living room. And there he is, her very own blonde brooder, slumped on the couch with his laptop propped up on his knees and his head tipped back against the plush cushions. His eyes are closed and it doesn't take long for her to figure out that he's sleeping. Quietly she tiptoes over to him and lifts the computer up to place it on the coffee-table. The screen is blank except for one little sentence.

_What am I going do if I can't do this?_

She sighs at the tiny black letters on the otherwise white background that just seem so lost and… nondescript. It pains her that he can't seem to find his way back to his words because she knows that he needs them. Just like the way she needs him. And suddenly her chest tightens up with pent up emotion.

Without a moment's hesitation she kicks off her heels and pulls her purple turtleneck sweater over her head before carefully straddling him on the couch. He mutters something in his sleep and she softly slides a finger down the bridge of his nose, watching the worried crease between his eyebrows even out and disappear. Her heart aches for not being there for him today, she should have been there when he got that sobriety marker. But she hadn't.

She waits until his arms automatically wrap around her waist. Then she slowly unzips his old worn hoodie and pulls it to the sides, leaning her bra-clad chest against his naked one.

He stirs under her.

"Baby?" he mumbles all sleep-disoriented and she nuzzles the skin on his neck.

"Shh…" she whispers, "I just need to be close to you."

He smells like soap and coffee and she presses her lips against his warm skin. He sighs contently and glides his hands from her hips, along her sides, and then down her arms.

"You're naked."

The deep sleepy voice in her ear sound childishly amazed and she laughs. Genuinely.

"_Half_-naked" she corrects, but his warm hands slip up her back to unfasten her bra-clasp.

"Not for long…"

When her naked breasts touch his naked torso, she is the one sighing in contentment and she feels like she's breathing for the first time today. Just like she feels every night when coming home to him. She snuggles her face back into the crook of his neck while he lazily slips his hands down into the back-pockets of her jeans and she lets her pulse and breathing fall into pace with his.

Simply relishes in the moment.

"How was your day, babe?" he murmurs and kisses her forehead. "Did you close the Bendel's-deal?"

She nods, "Yeah. Philip was a complete gem. He saved me a trip to Chicago tomorrow."

Lucas hands pull her up a little and in the new position, she can easily feel that there are other parts of him awakening. Playfully she grinds into him and he groans.

"Does that mean we can sleep in?" he mumbles and leans down to place a trail of kisses on her shoulder.

And she really wishes they could. Especially when he nips at the skin on her collarbone and then finds her earlobe with his teeth. The sensation travels to the pit of her stomach and sends tendrils of heat down towards her center. As on a cue, the anticipated piano bridge that's coming out of the speakers climbs in strength and she moans when his hot whisper comes again.

"There's so much I want to do to you…"

_God_, she wishes they could stay in bed all day, _every day_. But there's so much to handle right now. Winter collections are shipping, Spring lines are still not presented and she can't slack right now because it has taken pretty much all her energy lately to get the stuff fixed that crumbled and fell apart when she was gone.

"I have an eight o'clock meeting…" Her head falls to the side and she lets out a strained breath when Lucas licks up the pillar of her neck. "But… but I guess I could…push it forward an hour."

"Yeah?"

There's more than a suggestive hint in his voice, actually there's hot naked _want_, and if there's one thing that she's learned since finding her way back to Lucas Scott, then it's that he's even hornier than his high school self. A lot more demanding too, and of course she loves it. If their entire life was spent in a big soft bed, then they wouldn't have a problem in the world.

In response to his challenge she arcs back even further and gives him full access to her chest while she unties the string on his sweatpants. She's still wearing her jeans but she just wants to…

"Can't the two of you keep your freaking clothes on?"

She spins around to see Rachel in the entrance to the hallway. The redhead rolls her eyes and leans against the doorframe, seemingly not at all embarrassed by fact that she has just stuck her hand down Lucas' pants. Lucas however groans in irritation, and she waves Rachel away with her free hand and leans back down against Lucas to cover them both.

"Uhm… We're kind of in the middle of something here, Rach…"

"Yeah I can _see_ that."

"Which is _kind of_ the problem. Can you _go away_?"

She frowns but Rachel just chuckles and walks passed them over to the stereo. With an amused huff the feisty trespasser skips over the next few songs and mutters something about 'cheesy love-crap…' but then Lucas seems to have had enough. Effortlessly he just stands up, still with her straddled over him. He's holding her ass in a firm grip and a giggle slips out of her when she wraps her arms around his neck.

"Excuse us, Miss Gatina," he says and clears his throat. "I'm not done with this one right here and the stuff I'm gonna do to her isn't really meant for a public audience…"

His hard-on rubs against her core and she suppresses the moans that want to slip out of her by biting down on her bottom lip. However, the act only seems to make Lucas grow more excited. Seconds after, she wraps her legs around Lucas' waist tighter and the rest of his sentence comes out in a jumbled half groan.

"…so we're…_moving this_…to the bedroom. Sorry for the inconvenience."

Rachel smirks and arches a brow at the couple, "I _really_ need to move out of here…" she replies in a small chuckle and pushes a button on the remote so that the music switches into an upbeat RnB-tune. "It's like living in the freaking Heffner-household, minus three dimwit blondes."

Brooke just laughs out loud as Lucas carries her to their bedroom, but then she feels the tiny sting of fear that her friend's playful statement causes and the laughter gets stuck in her throat for a second.

Two months and twenty-three days after Lucas moved in with her and Rachel, she's still not sure that she's actually ready to let her best friend go.

Because honestly?

A small part of her still isn't sure that she and Lucas could make it without her.

_Like a cat in a bag  
Waiting to drown  
This time __I've calmed down_

-b-

She watches him sleep. Absentmindedly running her fingers over his blond buzz-cut now and again without waking him. His arm is curled around her waist and it usually holds the nightmares at bay but tonight is a bad night and after waking up for the third time in cold sweat, she gives up.

After pressing a light kiss against his sleep-warm forehead, she simply tip-toes out into the bathroom and pops two Xanax before heading to the kitchen.

She isn't the least surprised to run into Rachel in the doorway. After almost two years of living with an insomniac, Rachel's sleeping pattern is bound to be affected as well. Rachel nods tiredly and puts on some water for tea while she herself gets the mugs out and then opens the fridge to get the milk.

She almost surprises herself when her mouth opens and she mumbles;

"Do you think I'll ever heal, Rach? Enough to give Lucas a baby?"

A question so many times asked inside her head during the last month is suddenly out and bouncing off the walls in the dark kitchen. But if Rachel is anywhere near as surprised as she is, then she definitely doesn't show it. She doesn't turn. Actually she barely even moves. She just reaches up to get the teabags from the cupboard over her head.

"But you don't want a baby, Brooke." Her redheaded friend's voice is without emotion. "You told me that you're not having kids. Ever." Still with her back turned towards her, Rachel moves again to put the teabags in the cups, but her body language seems much more tensed.

Sighing, Brooke brings the milk over to the table and waits for Rachel to join her.

She had said that she never wanted children. Never _again_. But with Lucas, it's different. With him it feels like it can make things right. Fill the empty void that makes her close out the only man that's ever really meant something to her.

And she knows that Lucas dreams of her carrying his children as much as she does. He wants a whole bunch of kids running around them.

He wants the family they never got.

She wants it too. The future. She just can't seem to make it happen.

"I do want a baby…" she whispers. "I just don't understand why you all have to dig so deep into shit that could just stay in the past? I just want to be happy with him."

She looks at the redhead pleadingly but she is met with tough love.

"Brooke Penelope Davis" Rachel says tiredly and shakes her head. "How the hell do you think that you and Luke are going to manage having a kid if you can't even talk to him about the one you lost?" she shakes her head dismissingly. "Get real, B. And fucking use protection. You, getting pregnant in the middle of this, is _not_ what you need."

It hurts to hear the words; especially from one of the people she loves the most.

"What are you saying, Rach?" she asks and feels her chest tighten. "You don't think I'd be a good mom?"

The response is a dry laugh and then Rachel stands up. "I'm not Lucas," she says and looks almost as disappointed as earlier in the office. "You can't get to me with the lip so suck it back in. I know that you will be the best mother on earth, Brooke. As soon as you're _healed_." She puts the cup of tea that she's hardly touched in the sink and starts for the door. "But until then I'm seriously thinking about telling Lucas to sleep in another room. The world has to many you's and me's and you know it. We don't need a baby that's going to grow up feeling like its whole family is _fake_."

Rachel stops in the door before leaving the kitchen and she looks back at her. "Brooke, seriously… I love you, okay? But no baby. Not yet."

_Why not? _

Apart from Lucas, being a mom is all she's ever wanted.

_And now the drugs don't work  
They__ just make you worse  
But I know I'll see your face again_

-l-

"Hi baby", he says and greets Brooke with a greedy kiss in the door to the psychiatrist waiting-room. "You look beautiful."

She smiles against his lips and pulls at his face for another kiss. "Thanks stranger. Mmm… You're a good kisser. You wanna come home with me after this?"

He laughs. This is the _good_ Brooke. The one that he loves waking up with on Saturday mornings and that keeps him up laughing halfway through the night. This version reminds him so much of her old self that it almost hurts.

"I don't know…" he mumbles and gropes her half-jokingly. "I'll have to check my schedule." He watches her eyebrow shoot up and he realizes that the little scar that cuts right through it is hardly visible anymore. The quirk looks almost normal.

_Everything heals with time…_ But time is so _unreliable_.

"What was your name again?" he asks in mock confusion before shooting of a flirty smile and gliding his hands down her back. She laughs. The raspy sound and her hand that slides into his back pocket makes his pants tighten. Right no he wants to stop time, have her eyes glitter like this for the rest of the day.

But time never does what he wants.

"Mr. Scott? Miss. Davis? Dr. Newman is ready for you now."

The receptionist's voice cuts in like a message from the real world and Brooke stiffens in his arms. He sighs.

A much more broken Brooke is about to enter the stage…

-x-

"So I hear that you made the two months mark, Lucas?" Dr Newman says and smiles. "Good for you."

He nods and smiles back, offers a humble "Thank you" and wonders why it is that as soon as they step into this room, Brooke disappears so far into herself that she seems totally unreachable.

"I bet you are very proud of him, Brooke."

"Yes. Very."

There's a short silence while the woman flips the papers of her notebook.

"From what we talked about last time," the psychiatrist then says, "I understand that there have been some issues surrounding _trust_ during your relationship." She smiles and looks up. "So it must have felt good to see Lucas follow through on something he promised you?"

Brooke licks her lips and hesitates but her features stay calm.

"I wasn't there to see it. I had to work."

"Oh…" Dr. Newman puts down her pen. "Did you have to work or was there something about the event that made you feel uncomfortable?"

They've been sitting in this room for a total of four hours during the past two weeks. Four sessions of an hour each, and for the first time he gets the feeling that every question asked by the grey-haired woman in front of him has an ulterior motive. A purpose mainly to provoke Brooke.

Suddenly he wonders how much Rachel had really told the woman when she booked them their first appointment.

"I understand what you're getting at Mrs. Newman" Brooke answers. "But it's not like that. It's not because of the drunk driver. And I don't hold a grudge towards Lucas for his drinking-problem."

His girlfriend's back is stiff as a rod and he slides his hand up and down her thigh for comfort. The smile on her face is pretty believable, but to him, who _knows_ her, it's obvious that it is faked.

Maybe Dr. Newman sees it too, but he's not sure.

"Lets talk about that drunk driver," Dr. Newman says and leans forward. "And Brooke? Please call me Charlotte."

_And I know your thinking of me  
as you lay down on your side  
Now the drugs don't work…_

-l-

It's a little after 2 am and his body still smells like her. His skin is still warm from her touch and bruised from love-bites, but it's also wet from her tears. And it's all starting to feel like a vicious cycle.

Brooke usually falls asleep happy and safe in his arms but then she spends the night in the land of nightmares and wakes up to a new day of pretending. It's wearing her out and he hates seeing her like this. Instead of getting better, lately everything seems to get worse.

He rubs his hands over his face, presses the knuckles against his eyelids to relieve some of the headache that's building, and tiredly gets up out of bed. Today's session had been hard on them both. It had felt like crap to watch Brooke leave to go back to work, and tonight, when he came back from his AA-meeting, she had seemed lost in thought.

Now that she's actually sleeping for once, then he can't. And he doesn't want to think about it all anymore. He just needs some fresh air.

Brooke half-snores lightly under the covers and he secures the sheet around her body and kisses her forehead before leaving the room. He checks the living room to see if Rachel's up, but there's no trace of the redhead and he hopes that she managed to sleep through it tonight. There's no use for all of them to be walking around like zombies tomorrow.

But the minute he sets his foot in the kitchen, he knows that Rachel sadly is just as sleep deprived as himself.

"She woke you up?" he mumbles and walks up to the window to stand beside her.

"Yeah", Rachel nods and the chilly September air blows the red strands of hair into her face. "Is she sleeping now?"

"Uh-huh."

They stand silent. What's there really to say?

That they're not getting anywhere? That they're both worried about the fact that Brooke's nightmares suddenly seem to be almost as bad as they were three months ago? Or that they don't know what to do?

All these things have been said before and instead of just repeating the worn out words, he slips his arm around Rachel's shoulders and gives her a light squeeze. During daytime, the girl's a cocky and obnoxious pain in the ass, but in the middle of the night, he feels like he knows her.

"You're not serious about this moving-thing, right?" he asks her and she makes a face as if to say 'who knows?' He gazes out into the darkness and sighs. "Please stay a while, Rachel… Brooke worries about it…"

Hell, _he_ worries about it too. And Brooke's best friend probably knows that they wouldn't last a week without her here. At least he hopes that she does.

"I hate that fucking blanket…" he mumbles out through the open window, not to anyone in particular. But Rachel leans her head against his shoulder and answers with a silent "I know the feeling."

He looks at the clock on the wall and then over to empty wine-rack. He licks his lips and tries not to think of how much he wants to drink. Drink _anything_ that would take at least the edge off. It's 2.17 in the morning and as Rachel shrugs his arm off to go pour the tea, he sighs and leans against the window-frame. New York is lit up far below and the little cars swoosh by like tiny ants. Always on their way to somewhere. Always awake.

Just like someone's always awake in this damn apartment.

"I thought tonight would be okay" he hears Rachel say from over by the kitchen counter. "Philip said that she was clearly on a pill-induced high when she came in this afternoon."

"Again?"

"It's the therapy-sessions. They're starting to get hard on her, you know that Luke."

His shoulders tense and he clenches his jaw tight not to say '_They're supposed to be hard. It's supposed to _solve_ something'_. But how can it when Brooke does everything in her power not to let anything up to the surface? Anything that _feels_ is badly bandaged with band-aids in forms of pills.

He wants to call his sponsor. Actually, with the way his mouth feels dry and his head is pounding, he probably _needs_ to call him, but he can't. Not when Rachel is standing right there.

So when Rachel puts down the mug beside him, he turns to her.

"What am I doing wrong, Rachel?" he mumbles, sounding ridiculously vulnerable, even in his own ears. "What am I supposed to do that I'm not doing?"

She sighs and pulls the bathrobe tighter around herself.

"It's not your fault, Luke. She's just hurting."

Understatement. He knows that Brooke's hurting. Fuck, sometimes it feels like she's _disappearing_ before him. His eyes stray to the wine-rack again and he groans.

"I know that" he whines, "but what can I _do_ about it? I try to show her how much I love her and I just–"

Rachel shakes her head and interrupts him by holding up her hand. "That's not the problem between you guys" she says tiredly. "The problem isn't love, Luke."

"Then what is the problem?"

He presses on; feeling more frustrated by the second, but the redhead just looks out the window.

"Can we talk about tomorrow? I'm really tired."

"No. Tell me _now_, Rachel. I _want_ to fix this."

The spacious kitchen seems to be shrinking around him and the uncomfortable feeling of _need_ becomes more and more touchable. The need to… to just…

He shuts his eyes tightly and wills it away and then Rachel's hand touches his arm.

"I know you do" she says in a very uncharacteristically soft whisper.

"Then _tell_ me. If it isn't love, then what –"

With a final sigh, Brooke's best friend bites her lip and then she says;

"She wants your baby, Lucas. Brooke just wants to be a mom."

He stares back at her with wide eyes and a feeling of total confusion fills him. A baby? That doesn't make sense. If that's all she wants then, hell yes, he's right there with her. If it's up to him, then they can have a million babies. He bets that there will be nothing more beautiful in the entire world than Brooke carrying his child.

He starts smiling, already picturing Brooke's rounded belly, but then he looks at Rachel again and he sees the frown on her face.

"What?" he says and tries to follow. "But I can–"

Rachel sets down her mug again and shakes her head. "Brooke wants to have a baby. But she's a pill-popping mess, and I think it's the worst idea I've ever heard."

His heart falls to the ground more rapidly than a crashing airplane, because he knows that Rachel's right.

"Then I'm back to my original question" he sighs and rubs his temples. "What am I supposed to do?"

The redhead shrugs. "I don't know, Lucas. I wish I did, but I just don't know."

_Just like you said__;  
When you leave my life  
I'm better off dead_

-b-

"You both seem a little upset today" Dr. Newman says and leans back into her leather chair. "Is there something special we need to talk about?"

It's their sixth session and she's already hating this more than anything else.

So she shakes her head and mutters "Nope, I'm just tired", but she can clearly see Lucas frown. She knows that he feels like they're getting nowhere. Then again, if he thinks that _this_ is 'nowhere', then he should have been there for her initial visits when she came alone. If Dr. Newman got her to say more than a sentence, then the woman probably called herself lucky.

At least in here she answers when spoken to.

The therapist turns her eyes over to Lucas and nods. "And you Lucas? Anything on your mind?"

He looks at her instead of at the therapist and squints as if trying to make up his mind, but when she breaks their eye contact and looks out the window, she can hear him sigh and clear his throat.

"Actually there _is_ something I would like to talk about."

Something in his voice makes her look back at him again. He sounds so determined.

"I want Brooke's prescriptions for Paxil, Xanax and Alprazolam cancelled" he continues, and as soon as she realizes what he's doing she trains her eyes on him begging him 'no' with her eyes. But he just looks at the therapist.

"She's been on these meds for almost two years now and I feel like they're doing more damage than good."

Dr. Newman raises a brow and Brooke bites her lip not to yell.

"Luke…" she mumbles through the corner of her mouth. "Please."

But it just seems to make him even more set on this. He turns towards her and she tries to convey to him that what he's doing isn't fair but he clenches his jaw shut and shakes his head.

"No, Brooke. _Seriously_. Don't try to guilt-trip me." There's a bite in his tone, a desperation that shuts her up instantly. "I _miss_ you. I want to _talk_ to you. And maybe you would actually talk back if you weren't so drugged up all the time."

The last part surprises her. But maybe it shouldn't. He's begged her numerous times lately not to take the pills. And if he didn't sound so sad, his comment would probably infuriate her, but now she feels more ashamed than angry. Because he's right. It's cowardly of her to hide behind little white pills when he's working so hard to stay away from drinking. But it's not as easy as he makes it sound. At least not now.

"How do you feel when Lucas says that, Brooke?" the therapist interrupts and instead of snapping at her boyfriend, who is already on the brink of breaking, she spins around and looks at the stupid woman.

"How the hell do you think I feel?" she snaps, not even realizing that this is the most amount of emotion she's shown in here so far. "It makes me feel just fucking _peachy_, alright!"

Lucas sighs and leans forward to rest his face in his hands but the woman on the other side of the table looks at her curiously. "Why?"

"What?"

What the hell did she mean with 'why'? Wasn't that obvious?

The tiredness from a basically sleepless night and a very demanding day at the office is starting to get to her and dealing with this isn't helping.

"Yes, Brooke. Why does that make you feel 'peachy'? You seem to feel like Lucas is saying this to punish you?"

Her blonde boyfriend still has his face in his hands and she glances at him. They probably make an odd couple right now. Him, in an old vintage-looking Harvard t-shirt that shows off half of the Chinese symbol on his arm, worn jeans and a buzz-cut so short that she couldn't even grab his hair in bed. His baseball cap is thrown on the couch next to him and somehow it contrasts too sharply against her Marc Jacob's suit and heels that are bordering on five inch.

Before she can answer, Lucas mumbles "It's all about the Bermuda-triangle from hell…"

"Excuse me?"

Her eyebrow shoots up out of pure habit and she watches as the muscles on his upper arms flex when he balls his fists.

"Accidents, babies, nightmares…" he mutters. "The tree corners of the holy Bermuda-triangle of unmentionable things."

It stings in her chest when he says that because to her, they have come so far. To her they're making progress and she just wishes that he could understand.

"We've been through this" she says as calmly as she can, but now she's looking at Dr. Newman instead of at him. "I've told Lucas that I'm taking them for his sake just as much as for my own. We have enough to deal with right now."

"And by that you mean?"

Another deep sigh slips out of her and she counts down from ten. "Lucas has a drinking-problem to work with, I have a company to run and there are just…issues… that needs to be dealt with. It's just for a little while and Lucas knows this."

Just until she can fill up the hole inside her.

"_Brooke_…" Lucas groans into his palms and shakes his head before looking up again. "Two years is _not_ a little while. And you know as well as I do that it's gotten worse." His eyes are begging and his hand goes up to rub the back of his neck. "We're not _dealing_ with any issues. A month ago, you hardly had to take the sleeping pills and now all of a sudden Rachel says you're popping pills at work… We're going _backwards_ for fucks sake!"

She actually flinches at the last curse and she can't stop herself from hissing "What the fuck is your problem?" She can't be in here when he's being like this. If he knew why she had closed up again, he wouldn't be looking at her like this.

"I need to be let in, Brooke" he sighs. "We can't keep doing this."

The words make her blood freeze in her veins.

_We can't keep doing this_.

If he can't handle _this_, then how the hell can she tell him what she wants?

"You _knew_ that it was like this! I told you that I was broken beyond fixing!" She blindly fumbles for her purse on the floor because she wants to leave. _Now_. "I can't do anything about this Lucas!"

She starts to get up but to her surprise he simply grabs her wrist and pulls her down again. With a low voice, that almost makes her think about how a father talks to an obedient child, he says;

"Maybe you can't. _But I can_. The time's not up yet so sit your ass down until Dr. Newman says that we're finished."

"But…"

Her mouth opens but she's too shocked to say anything more. Ultimately she closes it again and when Lucas' hand lets go of her arm and instead slides down and intertwines their fingers, she lets him.

"I don't mean _this_ as in _us_" he hushes softly and brushes his thumb over her knuckles until she relaxes a little. "I mean this beating around the bush. We need to _work_ on this, baby… You need to help me."

His eyes plead with hers silently and she ultimately gives in. She still doesn't want to talk. But if he wants this so badly, then how can she refuse him? Maybe if she just tried a little harder to act as if everything didn't hurt so damn much? And then once she got pregnant, he wouldn't push her anymore to relive this thing?

"Okay…" she mumbles and squeezes his hand under the table.

Honestly, what other choice does she have?

Lucas is what means most to her in the entire world.

_All this talk of getting old  
i__s getting me down my love  
Like a cat in the bag  
Waiting to drown  
This time I'm holding on_

-r-

It's 5 am and Lucas is sitting in the kitchen, talking to someone on the phone. Rachel can hear him as she gets up to go to the bathroom and she stops in the hallway and listens.

"No, man… I didn't. But I held the beer in my hand…"

There's a pause and she can hear him sighing. She bites her bottom lip and curses inwardly, hoping that he's talking to Nathan. It's not good if he slips up now, it's not good if he slips up _at all_.

"Well, she's not good…" Lucas mumbles more quietly and she has to strain her hearing to pick up his words. It has to be Nathan, or Haley. "It's been tough the last week" he continues. "I'm telling you, she's been _fine_. But now…" He sighs. "She wants a baby…"

She can practically hear him pull his fingers through his short hair and frown.

"No Rachel told me. Brooke hasn't said the word 'baby' to me since the accident… I don't know if I'm doing the right thing here and–"

The pause is back and she guesses that the other person is talking. She should leave. Not stand here and eavesdrop like this. But it's clear that he's talking about Brooke and she wants to keep in the loop of things. Sometimes she feels as if she's living in an apartment with two broken souls and she wonders how long she can keep gluing them together.

"Come _on_, man" Lucas sighs and breaks her line of thoughts. "You know that's not true. She was almost _off _the pills. And now Rachel has trouble keeping her from them even at work. I just don't know what to do…"

So it's Nathan then.

Tiredly she runs a hand through her hair and wonders if she was right when telling Lucas about today's mess at the office. Brooke usually functioned well at work, because work was an escape in itself for the brunette. She just feels like Lucas is right. Something must have happened that both she and Lucas have missed, because this last week, Brooke is not getting better. She's getting worse.

"Talk?" Lucas spits in frustration to the person on the line. "I've told you! She doesn't _want_ to tell me!"

Glancing at the bedroom door further down the hallway, Rachel crosses her fingers and hopes that Brooke won't wake up. She's already heard her friend get up three times and Brooke needs at least the two hours between now and seven to function tomorrow. But Lucas' voice sinks again, into a sadness that she recognizes much to well.

"It's the fucking nightmares…" he mumbles. "I thought we were past those but apparently…"

He trails off. Sighs, breathes out, and then…

She hears a loud bang as if he's hit his fist against something and she shuts her eyes and leans against the doorframe. "Damn it!" he growls. "I just want to have one. Just _one_!"

There's a longer pause this time and she waits for the sound of him roaming the cabinets like during the first couple of weeks. But it doesn't come. Instead the silence is broken when he mumbles "I can't ask you to do that. It's enough that you're my sponsor…"

So _that's_ who he's talking to? She blinks in confusion, wondering why Lucas is talking to his sponsor about Brooke. Wasn't those talks supposed to be concentrated to his drinking?

She takes a step towards the kitchen but stops. It doesn't feel good that he's letting out all this information about Brooke's state to some dude from an AA-center. If any of this ended up in the press, things would go from bad to worse faster than she or Philip could ever fix it. But then again, all these people were constricted by a silence-pledge, weren't they?

She bites the tip of her finger and Lucas lets out a breath that sounds so shaky that she's actually pained by it herself. And silently she backtracks into her bedroom. She can't hold him off from venting, that wouldn't be fair. But just as she's about to quietly shut the door, she hears him mutter;

"Thanks Owen, I really mean it… I'll see you at the meeting tomorrow."

For a second she just stands frozen with her hand on the doorknob. Waits for any sign that she's misunderstanding this. But then he adds; "No, Rachel doesn't know" and she's sure.

Owen?

Owen McAllister is Lucas' _sponsor_?

There is nothing in that sentence that makes sense. Nothing at all.

…_and now the drugs don't work  
They just make you worse  
But I know I'll see your face again_

-x-

* * *

**Author's note:** Long chapter… LOL Now I'm tired. I hope you enjoyed. ;)

**Thank you's:**It's amazing to me that you all go through such trouble to praise words that I've put together on a screen. And it might be my current fever talking, but I think that if it weren't for you all, this story would never have gotten to the place it is now. You all inspire me and for that I owe you great thanks, greater than what I can give you here. (Oscar-speech is now ended) LOL

Elena (TypoKween) you rock so much that it's unbelievable. Just so you know. I'm not gonna butter you up too much 'cause I do that everyday on MSN, but you know I luv ya, right? And the way you take time to review my stuff even though I drive you mental, is beyond LOVE.

Stefy (stephyboh) My little editor. So much love goes to you for this sweetie. Mwuah! 

Corey Thank you so much for helping me last night. You know I trust your word.

Andie (Andie123) Congrats to the new apartment  I've recently moved too. As you could see in this chapter, there's still a lot of issues to be solved. But at least Owen is coming back now. If you like Rachel/Owen, then you should definitely read mine and TypoKween's story. And just so that you know? Reviews like yours is my muse ;)

Jem (Flipflopgal) I'm sorry that I couldn't crank this chap out right after the Olympics so that you'd have something to read LOL. But I'm so excited that you still enjoy this. Thank you.

Yana (Yaba) I guess that you were right for worrying about Brooke, huh? And I'm so glad you like my Lucas. I dig him as well ;) Thanks for the awesome review, you know I really appreciate it.

Jules (JULESM24) LOL I promise to inform you personally when I update. I don't want you to fall behind either.  I love your reviews sweetie and they always make me miss talking to you. Good to see you in the thread last night. You should probably read Comfortable Liar, Jules… The Rachel/Brooke friendship is even stronger in that one.

Chelsea (brucaschopia4ever) Hun, I swear, your review made me not only blush but almost cry. Those words were so sweet and so encouraging that I want to hug you! I'm so happy that I manage to write a story that gives you faith and I'm proud to hear that you think so highly of my writing. I'm in love with the fact that you thought that I pulled the BL fight off and I promise you that the scary dream-sequences are not over yet. I can't tell you my writing secret though LOL because I don't have one. It just pops up I guess… Anyways, an AMAZINGLY big thank you hun. You made my day.

Chebelle I'm so sad that I disappointed you LOL because you thought things were happening and now you've probably seen that they're pretty much on a stand still… I hope you like it anyway. And I guess she still does need Rachel? I think she always will.  Loved the review so thank you!

Carabell (Broodygirl) I'm glad that you're still enjoying the story and it makes me happy to hear that you find my writing descriptive because its what I aim for. If you like Rachel, then hurry off and alert Comfortable Liar. You're gonna love her in that because it gives her the light she deserves. Thank you for always sending me so insightful reviews hun. I love them all.

Whitney (Whiters) Admitting an addiction is one thing and dealing with it is another, wouldn't you say? ;) I hope that you're not disappointed that there's still so much to work on for Brooke. I love that you're still reading and I love the reviews. Thank u.

Shaz (awhero) Are you sad that I didn't make last chapter the ending? A normal person probably would have, but since I'm not normal… hmm LOL. There's still a lot of story to be told. I'm a reality-whore and I can't leave issues hanging. So if you want to, hang on for a bit more. Thank you for the review.

Lizzy (BrucasLove123) I'm so proud of you for reviewing baby. And you were right to worry about Brooke. Thanks for the review and a big thank you for all the entertainment you provide me over MSN. Love you.

Dolcegrazia Thank you for the beautiful review. I'm so curious to know what line it was that struck a cord with you… If you're okay with it, I would love it if you PM'ed me and told me. But if you're not, then I'm just happy to have contributed. :D Thank you again.

Michelle I know that you want more Brucas-scenes than wahat was in this chapter, but Rachel has a huge part in this story and I need her to interact with both Brooke and Lucas. At least you didn't get Owen – yet. LOL. I'm so grateful that you let me know what your favorite parts of the chapter is. It inspires me to write and helps me to see what parts that are clear to the readers. I love your long reviews and hope you know that. :D On the topic that this story is your drug: LOL the title for this chapter might be fitting. Thank you so much.

Cheyenne (Jeytonbrucasnaley) You know I miss you, right? It sucks that I can't stay up so late nowadays. Thank you for being you and for reviewing this even though I suck at updating LOL. I need some serious Chey-quality time soon.

Rossnrachrock Another Rachel fan I see? LOL Quickly run and alert Comfortble Liar :D I will give Rachel her own happiness, she just has to be the rock Brooke needs for a little longer. Thank you for giving me an awesome review.

AdrieDoll I'm glad that you're syked about NYC storylines but strong Brooke might take a while. She's been through some tough shit LOL. Just hang in there though. Thanks for the review.

PeterClaire They're working on it, but I think you were right; they needed that conversation. There's still a long way to go. Thanks for the review.

Vicky (lucas4brooke4ever) You do know that I adore you, right? Your constant encouragement makes me want to do good, write good, just so that you can have a great chapter. Thank you for being so sweet in your review and for not being angry about my lack of updates. I'm gonna try to do what Mark doesn't – fix BL. But with my stupid obsession of dealing with every little thing it just takes time. Love you hun.

TeamSophia Sometimes my updates come far between. I'm sorry for that. But know that if I would ever give up on a story, I'd let you guys know. And I have no plans on giving up on this story.  As for the pace, this story is still moving slowly even with the timejump and I hope that doesn't bore you. Did you ask Typokween about the software? Thanks for the review.

Allie (othfan326) I managed to update without PM this time even though it took ages. LOL Shhh… Hush about Lucas' writing, you can't give stuff away like that. LOL Just know that you're reading the things between the lines correctly. And with reviews like yours, it's a shame that it took me so freaking long to post this. I'm sorry and I'll try to be quicker. GBTRD is going up this week though so that might hold you for a bit. Thanks for an awesome review.

Sara (Brucas2006) You were so right my friend. Brooke's problems go deeper and they're harder to kick. The nightmares aren't over yet but stick with this and I promise you that I'll fix them eventually. Thanks for the review, hun.

Ali (FinallyPJ) And all I can say is thank YOU. thank you for reading, encouraging and believing. BL for the win!

BRUCAS EQUALS LOVE AA is a huge step for Lucas but getting Brooke to let him in seems to be harder. ;) Loved the review, so thank you.

AmbroCoo LOL I would update everyday if life would let me. But I don't want to post crap when I kow that you guys want a good story without 'holes' and mistakes. Anyways, keep your prayers alive and I promise you a happy BL eventually. Thanks for your review.

Spacegirl23 You can just pretend that OTH stopped at the s3 finale. LOL That's what I did. Nowadays I mainly live through the world of fanfiction. Thanks for reading and reviewing my story.

Jlil-wolf-grlD LOL your review made me think about Lucas having a totally different procedure. Hahaha…. Thank you for the encouragements.

Trish (BL-CS) I think Brooke's life is still a little 'hellish', wouldn't you say? ;) Loved the review.

Brucas3Naley23 LOL they live very near each other. actually in the same apartment. And I'm gonna take care of Brooke's problems as well. Thanks for the review.

And huge thank you's to: Storyteller247, Cass (CheerandBrood323), BrOoKe DaViS23, Brucas10, Brucasfan23, Martine, Brucas333, Brucas3, Brucas224 and Princetongirl. I love you all.


	21. Details In The Fabric

Authors note: This chapter is totally dedicated to Elena and Stefy. Without Elena I wouldn't be able to write and Stefy is my keeper of all things sane ;). Chey, thank you and you know why. I love you both. Title and lyrics come from a beautiful song by Jason Mraz.

I also know that there should have been an update for Comfortable Liar on Friday, but Elena updated Weight Of the World and I finished this. Sometimes, inspiration hits randomly. Hopefully Comfortable Liar goes up tomorrow.

x

**CHAPTER 21**** – Details In the Fabric **

_If it's a broken part__, replace it.  
But if it's a broken arm then brace it.  
If it's a broken heart then face it_

_Calm down…_

**-b-**

The phone is ringing angrily from its place in her purse and she absentmindedly pulls it out to answer it while flipping through a stack of sketches on her desk.

She's so tired that she can hardly think straight, all she wants is to go home and curl up on the couch. But Lucas is coming in to have lunch with her and the piles of work are growing by the hour. Somehow it feels like she can't catch up no matter how hard she's working.

She answers the call without checking the caller-id. Not many people have the number to her private cell-phone and it's probably just Lucas calling to tell her he's running late. She almost hopes that this is the case because she needs the extra minutes, if not just to breathe.

"Hello?"

"Tigger! I'm _so_ glad I got a hold of you."

Haley.

She puts the sketches down and leans back in the chair. Haley sounds so excited and she tries to let it rub off on herself. She wants to feel like that so badly, wants to enjoy being happy and in love, but there's a piece of paper in her purse that keeps her from making it happen.

She's carried it around for over two months and she _should_ show it to Lucas but she can't. Every time she tries, her courage fails her. And then she pays for it at night in her dreams.

"Hey sweetie," she says and picks up her mug filled with lukewarm liquid caffeine. "What's up?"

She feels a little guilty for not having talked to either Haley or Jamie in over two weeks. Lucas has talked to Haley and Nathan of course and she's sent her love through him but she should be better at keeping in touch. She doesn't want them all to go back to hardly talking. Haley however, doesn't seem the least bit disappointed.

"I have a surprise!" her friend almost shrieks in her ear, sounding like she's about to burst. "Oh, Brooke, I'm so _excited_!"

This time she can't help but laugh. "Obviously," she chuckles; amused that Haley can still manage to sound like her high school self. "Are you gonna tell me anytime this century? Is it something about Jamie?"

"I guess you could say that," Haley muses and she puts the coffee back on the desk to shout; "Get _outta_ here! He learned how to _swim_?"

"No."

"He lost his first tooth?" she tries.

"Nope."

"Oh my God" she gasps in faked shock, "Jamie found a girlfriend!"

At this Haley just laughs out loud and protests; "Brooke, he's _four_ years old," so she gives up, now ridiculously curious and giddier than she's been in weeks. It feels so good to laugh.

"Then _what_, Tutor-mom?" she urges her friend, "Tell me! You're killing me here."

A pause and Haley seems to hold her breath for a second before finally letting the secret out. "He's going to be a big brother. We're having another baby!"

The laughter gets caught in her throat and Brooke freezes. An involuntary gasp gets past her lips and she hopes to God that it passes as a gasp of pure surprise and not one of pain. Because that's what she feels inside. A pain so intense that she has to bend forward over the desk.

"Wow," she breathes, forcing her voice to keep from cracking, "That is wonderful Hales. You must be so happy…"

"I am!" She can hear Haley clap her hands. "Nathan is so excited and he and Jamie want another boy, but I want a little girl, Brooke. Imagine the dresses you could make her!"

She nods and mumbles out a strained, "Yeah, imagine…" and Haley blabbers on happily about ultrasounds and about wanting to tell her this for weeks. And she does her best to sound like she couldn't be happier.

"I passed the twelve weeks mark today," Haley giggles on. "The doctor said that everything looks great."

_10 weeks and 4 days… It's a shame she hadn't passed the three months mark. That would have given the baby better chances…_

The memory echoes in her head and she doesn't realize that she's crying until a big teardrop slides from her cheek and falls down onto the sketch that's on top of the pile. The salty drop floats out and smudges the coloring of a purple sundress.

And then the sound of something breaking is heard in the background and Haley curses and yells for Jamie.

"Brooke, I have to go," Haley excuses and rambles something about a vase and playing football indoors. But she hardly registers the words. All she picks up is that her friend tells her to check her email. "I've sent you the sonogram-pictures" Haley squeals before hanging up to tend to her son.

For minutes Brooke sits in the same position. Phone pressed to her ear with one hand and the other hand pressed to her abdomen. The pain is still as sharp but it's getting easier to breathe. Carefully she puts the phone down and wipes away the few tears that have fallen from her face. Then she checks her reflection in her make-up mirror.

She looks tired. Tired and sad, but not as broken as she feels. Somehow she had expected to look much worse.

And then her head snaps up at the sound of Lucas' voice in the door.

"Hey Pretty girl." His smile is huge. "Did you just talk to Haley?"

Unable to speak she just nods and his smile grows even wider. "Wow, huh?" he sighs happily. "I can't believe they're having another kid…" He leans in and kisses her unmoving lips and she fails to give any response but he's too excited to notice.

"Can you believe that Hales managed to keep it a secret for over a month?" he chuckles and her heart breaks all over again when she sees the happiness on his face. His eyes are so bright and his smile so big that one could think that he's the father to be, not just the uncle.

She swallows over and over again to keep the threatening tears from spilling over. God, how she wishes that she could give him this. Whatever Rachel says, she wants to give Lucas a baby _so much_. And she's bleeding on the inside when she thinks about having to tell him…

"– you get them?"

"What?"

She looks up to realize that he's talking to her. And she's surprised that her voice is still intact. Maybe it's too much for her brain to handle and she has just shut off?

"Hales said that she sent you some pictures," he smiles and walks around her chair to lean over her shoulder. "Did you look at them?"

"No…"

Bracing herself, she opens up the inbox-window on her computer screen and opens the email from their friend. And when the black and white sonogram picture attachment appears on the screen, her heart simply turns to stone.

However much she wants to – however much he obviously _craves_ it – she won't be able to give him what he wants.

It's going to be even harder to tell him about that piece of paper now.

_C__alm down, deep breaths  
Get yourself dressed  
Instead of running around,  
pulling on your threads and  
breaking yourself up…_

**-r-**

She watches her brunette friend over the kitchen island and squints. It's like pulling teeth getting Brooke to talk lately and frankly its driving her insane.

One step forward, two steps back.

"Are you okay Brooke? I mean, how do you really feel about it?"

"I'll be fine…"

It's not true and they both know it. Even though she hadn't been there when Brooke hung up the phone with Haley, she knows her friend well enough to spot the lie.

"Come on B… don't do that. Don't treat me like I'm a stupid bimbo…"

She realizes that although the words are in line with her normal approach, the tone isn't. She sounds scared, almost pleading. Probably because of their past and Brooke's way of shutting down and putting up walls. She knows that Brooke is hiding something and she just feels like it would all be so much easier if she knew what.

"I miss you…" she whispers but Brooke is too busy staring at nothing to hear her.

"Where's Luke?" she asks instead and this time Brooke looks up.

"He's down at the gym," she mumbles. "I told him to go."

Meaning; Brooke told him to go so that she wouldn't have to try and fool him as well. But it's in vain and she knows it. Lucas had called her right after his and Brooke's disaster of a lunch date. He was the one that had cracked the news about Haley and the pregnancy. And he had sounded guilty as hell.

They had agreed that a baby right now was a bad idea. Or more precisely; _she_ had told Lucas that he and Brooke couldn't take the next step as long as any of them had a substance addiction. Whether it being meds or alcohol.

He, in turn, knew how much Brooke wanted a baby, and maybe that had been what pushed him to flush down Brookes pills? But then he still wasn't bright enough to grasp that the baby-news would upset his girlfriend.

Stupid boy.

She takes a deep breath and tilts her head, letting her gaze patiently search out Brooke's hazel eyes.

"Stop lying," she says simply. "You are about as 'fine' as I'm a virgin."

Brutal honesty is the only thing that still works.

"I'm jealous…"

Brooke's voice comes out so silent that she can hardly hear her, and she looks guilty when she continues. "I told her I was happy for them… but I'm not. Or of course I am… I just feel as if it's unfair…"

"It _is_ unfair," she agrees in a soft voice. "But that's life."

She doesn't say anything else and neither does Brooke. After several minutes, the silence seems to become too much for the brunette. The thoughts weighing too heavy.

"I'm gonna go grab a shower…" Brooke mumbles and it's obvious that she's close to breaking down into tears. Her bottom lip is already trembling and she can't seem make it stop even though she bites down on it in true Davis-fashion.

She guesses that Brooke hurts not only because Haley's phone call made the longing for a baby of her own even stronger, but because deep inside she's afraid of what all this is doing to her and Lucas. She's not sure of course because Brooke admits to none of this.

Then her friend gets up from the chair without a word and starts walking towards the bathroom. And even though she knows it's useless, she pleads with Brooke to stay and talk. But as expected, the bathroom door closes firmly behind her friend and the sound of the lock clicks loudly in the silent apartment.

Just like her, Brooke wants to fall apart without an audience.

She pleads once with the closed door even though she knows it's useless and she hears the shower start, knowing that the falling water is meant to drown the sound of her friend crying.

Something is so seriously wrong tonight, but for the first time in two years she bails.

Five minutes later she's already in her car, driving downtown to hide out at the office. For the first time in two years she can't bare to stay.

_Hold your own, know__ your name  
and go your own way.  
Everything will be fine in time_

**-l-**

He comes back from the gym at nine and he's surprised at the silence in the apartment. He had expected Rachel to be home with Brooke, but the rooms are dark and the door to the redhead's bedroom is ajar, showing no trace of anyone being in there.

He curses silently and dumps his jacket in the hallway.

He really hopes that they haven't both gone in to solve some office crisis. Brooke is way too tired to even function straight. He should know because he's bordering on insanity from lack of sleep himself. And he doesn't have to go to work in the mornings.

But when he enters the dark living room he can see the contour of Brooke lying on the couch and he sighs. Walks over to her sleeping form and carefully picks her up. She curls into a ball and mumbles sleepy gibberish into his chest.

"Go back to sleep baby…" he hushes and kisses her forehead. "I'm here now…"

He had been excited about Haley's news, at least until he realized how many wounds this was ripping up for his girlfriend. It breaks his heart that he can't make it better for her, and even more so that she seems so scared that she's not enough for him as long as she not carrying his child. Because nothing could be more wrong.

So what if Nathan and Haley got to have two kids before they had their first. They had all the time in the world. He just needs her to be happy… and lately she's anything but that.

He carries her into their bedroom and gently puts her down on the bed. Then he lies down beside her and wraps his arms around her. She scoots closer and sighs into his chest while he gently rubs her back in circular motions.

It's not normal to miss someone the way he misses Brooke every time he leaves her side. Even two hours at the gym caused a feeling of withdrawal. Without her he's simply not complete and often it's like he's not really breathing until he holds her close.

He just wishes that she'd let him close mentally as well as physically.

"You're home…" she mumbles sleepily and sneaks her hands in under his sweater. The simple action makes his chest ache.

Softly he places a kiss at the corner of her mouth and when he feels her lips curl into a tired smile he does it again. And again. The forth time she meets his lips, surprising him with openmouthed kisses, and the feel of her tongue makes him moan and pull her even closer. After the days they've both had he needs to have her as close as possible.

"I missed you, you know…" he whispers and the soothing rubs against her back travels lower. "And I don't like when you're sad when I can't comfort you."

Her fingers start unbuttoning his jeans and she kisses him again.

"I wasn't sad" she mumbles. She smiles, but it's just her lips, not her eyes.

"Don't lie," he replies softly and her smile fades a little. Her hand comes up to rest on his cheek and then her lips are back on his. God, why was it so hard for her to say out loud that she was hurting?

"It doesn't matter," she lets out and presses herself closer to him. "You can comfort me now…"

That he can. If nothing else, then he can at least do that. So he lets the kisses turn more and more heated and makes her t-shirt disappears. Then his jeans. Sweater. Her pajama-pants. For a second he smiles on the inside about the fact that it never gets less passionate between them. How easy it is to ignite the spark, even on a night like this.

He briefly wonders if they'll still be like this when they're old and grey… But he's pulled back to reality when her hand finds the bulge in his boxers.

To retaliate he grazes his hand over her naked thigh and he can see that she tries to silence the moan that moves upward in her throat. With her eyes closed she runs her hands through his hair and his lips find her neck. She moans loudly this time, not able to stay quiet any longer and she wraps her legs around his body.

"Don't tease me…" she whispers, her voice already raspy with want. "Not tonight…"

But he slowly unbuttons her bra, licking his way down her collarbone and further down between her breasts, leaving a moist trail with his tongue, and she breathes in.

"I'm just taking my time," he breathes as he pulls the fabric away from her chest and circles his way to her nipple. "I've missed this so much…"

She moans louder and arches her back, giving into the feelings he is provoking in her. In her senses he is probably everywhere and nowhere; she should be feeling his presences, his hands, his lips all around her body but it doesn't seem to be enough. The feeling of him all around her isn't enough right now and she needs _more_. He kisses his way down from the valley between her breasts to her stomach and navel and just above her underwear, his hands making their way down as well but touching her sides.

And when he reaches her panties he just looks up at her, a smirk in place, and tilts his head with an eyebrow raised. His fingers loop through the fabric and he pulls at it gently, playfully, before ridding her of the material completely.

Maybe if he makes this good enough, she'll forget her pain and nightmares for a moment. Maybe even long enough to get some real sleep.

His lips turn back to her breast and she arches her back to get him to take it in his mouth. He lifts his head a little so that he is still hovering over her, and she moans again, probably because his breath is tickling her. She arches more, urging him to touch her. And he does.

Closing his mouth around the darker nipple he feels her shiver under him. He bites it carefully and leans himself on the right elbow as he lets his left hand trail down in between them. The skin on her belly is soft and warm and he continues down lower when his fingers suddenly feel the scar.

She opens her eyes and her eyelids flicker as she tries to hold his gaze with hers. He sucks the hard nipple in between his teeth once more before he brings his head up to level with hers and their lips crash together. But the feeling of the healed skin under his fingertips always brings back too many memories and he has to stop to let out a shaky breath.

She probably notices the change in him because she stops moving underneath him.

"Luke… please," she gasps in desperation. She presses herself closer to him as if she thinks that he is holding back purposely, just to keep her on that torturous edge.

She opens his mouth with her lips and runs her tongue over his, pulling his head closer to her. He relaxes and before he knows it, the legs that she has wrapped around him have guided him to where she wants him and he slides inside her.

Home.

And maybe it's all the emotions that struggle to come out? Maybe it's the way her vulnerability holds his heart in a vice-like grip? Either way – he gives in. Fuck Rachel and her opinions. If Brooke wants a baby, he's going to make that happen. Just as long as she's _happy_.

"I'll give you a baby Brooke…" he whispers against her neck, trailing kisses against her skin. "I will, I promise. We'll have lots of babies. As soon as you're ready…"

He moves inside her, ever so slowly, and her hands stroke the skin on his neck, her fingers combing through his hair.

"I really wanted those two boys and that little girl…" she mumbles back, but her voice suddenly sounds thick with threatening tears and he grows worried.

"Hey…" he sooths, "What's the matter? We can still have that."

Her body heaves under him as she lets out a sob and he holds himself up on his elbows to be able to look at her face. Tears are streaming down her cheeks and he inwardly curses himself for not realizing sooner that she is still _that_ vulnerable.

He shouldn't have brought up the subject tonight in this already messed up situation.

He just wanted to make her feel better.

"Its okay baby…" he soothes. "It's going to be okay now…"

But she turns her head, averting her eyes from his and lets out another deep sob.

"No it's not…" she whispers. Her strangled breath turns into a sob and she pushes him off of her. "You'll see," she mumbles and curls up away from him. And even though she's not looking at him, he can see the sudden distance in her eyes and the loss of her warm body makes the words sound even scarier.

He watches her in the darkness and for the thousandth time in the last few weeks he thinks the same thing.

Where is the invisible wound that is still hurting her? What the hell is it that he can't see?

He's so tired of fighting a losing battle. Especially when he is unaware of what exactly it is that he's fighting against.

_Are the__re details in the fabric?  
Are there things that make you panic?  
Are your thoughts results of static cling?_

**-b-**

She can't seem to go back to sleep. The room is too hot and the air too stale. Her legs keep getting caught in the sheets and feeling frustrated and tired, she groans and kicks them to free herself.

"Luke…" she whines into the pillow, "Can you open a window?"

He doesn't answer and she turns to poke him, but she's met by nothing but an empty bed. He's not there.

"Luke?" she mumbles again in the dark room. "Lucas?"

The apartment is silent as she slips out of the bed and tiptoes out into the hallway. Something feels wrong. She just can't seem to pinpoint what it is exactly that makes her feel that way.

But then she hears the faint sound of voices from the kitchen and she smiles and shrugs off the unnecessary worry. If both Lucas and Rachel are up, there's no reason for her to try to sleep. Why hadn't they just waked her up?

"Hey guys," she says as she walks through the door to the dimly lit kitchen, but then she stops and frowns. Lucas is standing with his back towards her, but instead of her redheaded best friend, a very familiar blonde is sitting at the kitchen table.

The feeling of something being wrong comes back and intensifies in her chest.

"Peyton?" she mumbles confused, "What are you doing here?"

Her blonde childhood friend smiles back at her sadly and she turns to Lucas instead. "Luke? What's going on?"

All she can think about, as he slowly turns towards her, is how messed up everything had been right before the went to bed and she wishes that she hadn't been so weak. She doesn't like that Peyton is here, she doesn't even know why he blonde has suddenly surfaced in their apartment, and she'd feel calmer if Lucas wasn't the slightest bit angry with her. Right now she can't be sure.

But then his eyes meet hers and he's smiling. And for a second she feels like everything is going to be okay. Until she sees the infant he's holding in his arms.

"Brooke," he whispers softly, "Look at Peyton's beautiful baby."

Her heart stops and she takes a step back.

No.

She can deal with Haley; she _has to_ be able to deal with Haley – but not this.

Lucas coos down at the baby in his arms and Peyton smiles up at him. And suddenly she feels like she can't breathe. Her chest tightens and she tries to will away the immense feeling of jealousy and grief. Tries to force herself to say "Congratulations" but when she opens her mouth, no words come out.

"Isn't she gorgeous?" Peyton says proudly. "She looks just like you, Luke. I bet she'll be such a daddy's girl."

"Wh–, what?"

Her back hits the doorpost when she takes another step back in pure shock and then she stumbles back out into the hallway. What the hell's going on here? Her eyes dart around and that's when she sees it. The walls in the hallway are white. The reason to why something felt wrong before is _this_. This is not her hallway. This is _not_ her fucking hallway…

"Rachel?" she calls out because she needs her friend to come and help her understand this. She needs Rachel to explain what is going on before she goes insane.

Lucas looks at her from inside the kitchen and his eyes are full of sympathy. She watches him hand the baby back to Peyton and then he steps out into the white hallway and cups her cheek in his palm.

"You know that it has to be this way, pretty girl," he mumbles gently and presses his cool lips towards her forehead. "You _know_ that I can't stay."

And suddenly a nurse rushes past behind him and the sound of beeping machines fills the air. She hyperventilates and tries to push him back but he stands his ground and continues holding her face in between his hands.

"I love you," she begs and his eyes turn sad as he shakes his head defeated.

"I know Brooke… but it doesn't matter."

An intense pain spreads at her abdomen and she doesn't have to look down to know that the hole has ripped open. She doesn't have to reach down to feel the wet sticky blood pouring out of her.

"Don't go…" she whispers, but Lucas is already walking backwards.

"I have to," he whispers back with a pained face. "If you can't give me this, Brooke… then I can't stay…"

Tears are already sliding down her face and she wipes them away with the piece of fabric in her hand. The soft blanket smells so familiar and she presses it towards her cheek for a second before closing her eyes.

Then she waits. The truck will come through the wall at any moment now.

For the first time she welcomes it.

_Are the__re things that make you blow?  
Hell, no reason,  
go on and scream.  
If you're shocked, it's just the fault  
of faulty manufacturing_

**-l-**

He's so in tune with Brooke's broken sleeping patterns nowadays that the slightest movement wakes him up. That's why he's not at all surprised to open his eyes and find her sitting up in bed.

For a second he lets his eyes get used to the darkness and then he sits up beside her and slides his hand down her back in a soothing gesture. But the instant his hand makes contact with her back, she jumps as if she's been burned.

He mumbles her name softly, hoping she will tell him what's wrong. But instead she just lets out a sigh that makes his heart split in two and he pulls her towards his chest.

"Nightmare?" he whispers and kisses the top of her head.

She nods and turns her face away from his so that he can't see her eyes. "Don't ask me about what," she begs and her voice sounds so tired and small that he hardly recognizes it. Then she pulls away and moves her feet over the side of the bed. He watches as she starts to get up but her legs are shaking so bad that she can't stand.

"Brooke?" he questions worriedly, "Are you okay?"

She nods but sits back down and as he turns on the light on the nightstand, he can see that her hands are shaking even worse.

"I'm so – I'm just—just s-so tired," she stutters out with tense shoulders. "I – I need to sleep." Her hands rub over her face in an attempt to wipe away the nightmare.

He sighs and closes his eyes to gather some energy. Then he looks at the red numbers on the alarm-clock.

3.12 am.

This is her fifth nightmare tonight.

She pulls her shaking hands through her dark hair and her breathing is strained as if she's about to start crying. So he pulls her back towards him and she collapses into his chest, sounding as if she can't get a sufficient amount of air into her lungs. He worriedly rubs her back while whispering the same thing over and over.

"Breathe, Brooke. Breathe…"

"I… can't," she gasps and struggles to get free from his arms. "Please…"

"Please, what?" He pulls her up into a more upright position and rubs her arms up and down because he worries that she'll start to hyperventilate. "Tell me what you need, Brooke."

She's trembling and she keeps pushing him away, and eventually he lets her go and backs up. A tiny voice in the back of his head wonders if she's going through withdrawal. He's not even sure if sleeping pills cause that. And how about the anti-depressants?

"Just tell me, baby," he whispers when she curls up into a ball and finally starts crying. "Do you want me to get Rachel?"

She shakes her head and she keeps repeating "I'm so tired," between the hiccupping sobs. And then the plead that he fears falls from her lips. She wants him to give her Xanax and he can't.

"I – I can't do this," she cries, "I'm too tired… I can't go through it again…"

She just wants dreamless sleep and he feels like ass for refusing her. Every sob from her sends shockwaves of pain through his chest and he bites down hard on his lip. He doesn't want her to hurt like this.

"You know that I flushed them down the toilet," he forces out and suddenly wishes that he hadn't. "You watched me do it, Brooke. Remember?" Desperate to console her, he reaches for her again and pulls her tightly to his chest. "I'm sorry, baby…" he whispers against her hair. "I'm _so_ sorry…"

He's so fucking sorry for everything.

She balls his t-shirt in her fists and the sobs start to sound more and more tired.

"I feel like I'm losing it," she mumbles in between the tears, "I think I'm going insane, Luke…"

The weariness in her voice efficiently breaks the last piece of his heart. There's a reason that they use sleep-deprivation as torture in warfare.

"You're just tired, Pretty girl," he soothes the best he can. "I've got you now… Everything is gonna be okay…"

How though, he's not sure. Honestly he doesn't have a fucking clue. Because she falls asleep against his chest just seconds later, but he keeps the nightlight on and after less then fifteen minutes her eyes start moving under her eyelids and she wriggles in his arms.

"No… don't…" she mumbles, wrinkling her forehead in a frown that shows him she's heading into another nightmare. "Don't–, don't leave me…"

Sighing, he brings his arms tighter around her.

"Wake up, baby" he says gently, trying not to scare her more than necessary in her parallel world of fear. "Brooke, wake up."

Her eyes snap open and she takes a breath. This time the tears of tiredness come instantly and he gathers her in his arms and lifts her off of the bed.

"Okay, up we go," he mumbles into her ear and she cries against his chest all the way out into the hallway and over to Rachel's bedroom. He doesn't even knock, he just pushes the door open with his foot and mutters out a tired, "Rach, are you decent?" into the dark room.

"Never," comes the equally tired answer and he walks over to the bed and lowers his still crying girlfriend down next to her redheaded best friend. He kisses Brooke's forehead and gives Rachel a pleading look that probably says more than the next few words that slip out of his mouth.

"I need some air. Can you take over for an hour?"

Rachel frowns but nods, and as he turns to walk back out, he sees her wrap her arm around Brooke before pulling the cover over them both.

"Shh…" she whispers softly, "calm breaths, B… deep breaths."

He closes the door behind him and goes to get dressed. It's almost four o'clock in the morning and he has two options.

Waking up Owen McAllister or head to the closest bar.

_If it's a broken part replace it  
If it's a broken arm then brace it  
If it's a broken heart then face it_

**-r-**

She stands by the window, letting the night breeze blow away the cigarette smoke and cleanse the air in the room. The wisps of grey dissolve before her eyes and then she breathes out some more in its place. The whole procedure is monotone but somehow calming.

She doesn't smoke often, just when her nerves are on the outside like tonight, and she shouldn't be smoking in her bedroom. But then again, she _really_ doesn't want to leave Brooke. Once tonight was more than enough.

She twists a strand of her red hair around her finger and takes another drag off the cigarette. Then she lets the hair go in favor for her cell phone. Ponders if she should or if she shouldn't call. She wants to trust Lucas, she's just not sure if she can.

Because tonight is just like the night he slipped up.

"_Brooke, tell me what's wrong baby. Please…" _

_From the doorway she watched how Lucas pleaded to the crying heap on the bed. "I need to know what happened, Brooke. You need to tell me what it is that scares you…"_

_And like the last fifty times he asked the brunette, she just sobbed and gasped for air as if the pressure in her chest caused difficulty to breathe. No words were coming out, no explanations or summaries of the nightmares that suddenly had started again._

_As Lucas pleaded with Brooke for the fifty-first time, Rachel sighed in her hideout in the dark hallway. She had heard him going on like this for half an hour and finally she had gotten so tired of the constant begging that she got out of bed and went over to the other bedroom to simply tell him to shut up. Why it made her so irritated, she couldn't figure out, but his pleading drove her insane. Probably because it was mirroring her own helpless frustration._

_She'd do the same if it helped Brooke. She'd do anything._

_And when she thought about it – she had. In the beginning she had pleaded just like Lucas did right now, no matter how out of character it had been. She was known to be a bitch, known to give tough love and honest opinions, however much they stung. But when it came down to it, she had cowered out and called Nathan, too weak to push Brooke into recovery herself._

_Back then, she just hadn't been able to deal with a broken Brooke. Now she was numb to the entire thing. Brooke's pain still hurt – the tears that the brunette shed and the fear she seemed to feel when waking up over and over, still stabbed her right in the heart. But she could deal with it without cringing now._

_Somehow she had learned to deal with the helplessness by staying cold._

"_Nothing _happened_ Luke," she sighed and stepped into the room, making him shift his eyes from Brooke to the door where she stood. "It's the dreams. It's just a really bad one tonight."_

_It pained her to see how helpless he looked and she sighed in irritation. Great, now she'd have two broken souls to try and keep in check. She watched him turn back to Brooke, reaching out to hold her, and when Brooke recoiled from his hand as if frightened, he growled out in frustration and slammed his hand against the bedspread before balling it in his fist._

"_God Brooke, _what_!" he spat out, his voice so full of frustration that even she took a step back. "I'm trying to _understand_. I'm not trying to hurt you!"_

_Brooke curled up in a ball and said nothing. And where as she had flinched at Lucas' outburst, Brooke didn't seem affected at all. _

"_Calm down, Luke," she mumbled and walked over to put a hand on his shoulder. "It's was probably her doctor's appointment that ripping up old wounds… You know that she hates hospitals…" She squeezed down on his tense muscle and nodded towards the kitchen. "Give her a minute, okay? She'll come up when she's pulled herself together a little."_

_The sigh that slipped out from him seemed to come from the bottom of the abyss. But he got up and dragged himself out into the hallway. _

"_Hey," she mumbled once she had pushed the bedroom door closed after them, "This is nothing personal, Luke. She does the same thing with me." She grabbed his arm. "Lucas, listen. She doesn't want to ta–"_

_She never finished the sentence because Lucas ripped his arm out of her grip and slammed his fist hard enough into the wall for it to make a cracking sound._

"_I can't do this!" he bellowed and when he spun around and faced her, she thought she saw tears in his eyes. "I can't fucking deal with this, Rachel! Did you see the way she flinched back? What the hell am I supposed to do?"_

_His hands reached up and grabbed his hair and she wanted to tell him that his knuckles were bleeding. But what was the use? Compared to how his heart ached, he probably didn't even feel the scrapes from his collision course with the wall._

"_Luke…" she tried to sooth, "she's just upset. I don't know what happened today but maybe I shouldn't have forced her to drive? Maybe it was the movie with the car-crash…"_

_But he just shook his head and kept his gaze away from hers. When he lowered his hands, they were shaking. Badly._

"_I need –, I – I just need to…"_

_He stuttered and she bit her lip, waiting for him to calm down. But instead he started walking towards the door. _

"_Where are you going?" she asked and followed. "Hey, Luke, come on."_

"_I can't deal with this…" he just repeated and grabbed his jacket from the chair by the door. "I need to…"_

_He trailed off and seconds later he disappeared out through the front door. She didn't need the end of the sentence though. She already knew what he needed._

_Lucas Scott needed to get drunk._

Brooke turns over in the bed and her eyes stay on her brunette friend until she stops stirring. Then she stumps out the cigarette on the window sill and looks back down on her phone.

It had been one slip up. The only one Lucas had since coming to New York. And she's still not sure who were angrier when he finally fell in through the door hours later – her at Lucas or Lucas at himself.

All she knows is that he slipped up because the pressure got to him and this last week has been the worst by far.

Calling in some re-enforcements wasn't a crime, was it? Even if Lucas wasn't relapsing again tonight, it still couldn't hurt with some help. So she dials the well known number and waits. And when the person on the other end answers, she slides down into a sitting position next to the bed and whispers,

"Nate? Can you come up to New York?"

_Hang on, help is on the way  
Stay strong, I'm doing everything_

_Hold your own…_

**-l-**

It's the same as last time.

Not the same hole in the wall of course. He doesn't want to go to the same place twice, in fear of feeling too 'at home', but all these crap-joints look the same. Same smells, same music, same ugly interior, even the same people.

At least they _look_ the same to him.

"What'll it be, dude? Heineken? Budweiser?"

He looks up at the bartender and wonders to himself if the guy's name is Pete. Wasn't that the name of all bartenders? Then he shakes his head and takes a deep breath.

"Coffee, please," he mutters, "Black. And a mineral water."

The bartender shrugs and moves on to the next client and he breathes out shakily, leaning his elbows on the bar's worn down counter. The hand that pats his back is expected, even before he feels it, and it makes him relax.

"Good job, man," Owen says behind him and squeezes his shoulder. "You almost sounded like you meant it this time."

"I _did_ mean it," he mutters back, just as the bartender places the cup of black steaming coffee in front of him. But Owen chuckles dryly.

"No you didn't. But you _will_."

He shrugs in response. Owen is a bartender and an alcoholic himself, so he should know. What was it Owen had said the first time they did this? _Fear needs to be fought back and handled in its natural habitat._ Well, he's fighting his damn ass off right now.

He wouldn't be fighting this hard if it wasn't for _her_.

Owen slumps down on the barstool next to him and orders a coffee of his own. Then they just sit there as the bar starts emptying out. Not a lot of places like this are open at 4:30 in the morning, it's mostly nightclubs, but one can always count on the back-alley joints down in West Village. They stay open until the last guest leaves.

"I think she's falling apart," he finally mumbles, breaking their mutual silence.

"She or _you_?" Owen replies and sips the hot coffee.

"How about both of us?"

He's not trying to be dramatic. It's just how he feels. As if they're a house of cards and it's all tumbling down faster than he can put them together. Brooke's been breaking more and more over the last couple of weeks and it can't just be over the therapy sessions. Rachel thinks it is, but it has to be something else.

"You're doing good, Luke," Owen says beside him. "You've got a lot more strength in you than I thought."

He nods and mumbles, "Thank you," but he doesn't necessarily agree. Owen has no clue on how much he still craves it. A beer, a drink, a shot… _anything_.

Or maybe he actually does know, maybe that's why the taller guy still isn't buying his crap. He knows that he owes Owen a lot. If it weren't for him, the only slip-up so far would have turned into several more. Just look at tonight. He would never have made it this far without Owens support.

Still, he feels like an ass for keeping his newfound friendship with the guy a secret. Neither Brooke, nor Rachel knows that Owen is his sponsor. They don't even know that Owen is in New York. And several times he's asked Owen to let him tell the girls but the former bartender stubbornly keeps saying no. Apparently he thinks it will make things even more complicated but Lucas can't see how.

Currently everything is as fucked up as it can possibly get, he thinks.

"How're things at home in general?" Owen asks when he stays silent, "You sounded pretty fed up last night when I called. Did you and Brooke have another fight?"

Lucas hates how hard it is to talk about Brooke. It would be so much easier to swallow a beer than to discuss his issues. But he's the one who called Owen and asked for his company. Both physically, and emotionally exhausted, he sighs and shrugs off his jacket.

"Rachel is grumpier than ever," he starts with a frown, "she's hardly said two words to me in the last couple of days." He can feel Owen looking at him but he keeps his gaze down into his mug. "I'd say that she's pissed off at me, but she could just be tired. She sleeps almost as little as Brooke."

Then it's Owens turn to frown, but he says nothing. It's almost funny how much life has changed in the last couple of months. Who the hell would have thought that he'd be opening up to Owen?

Well, he for sure wouldn't have.

"And Brooke?" Owen asks as he plays with a beer-coaster. "Any change now that she's off the pills?"

"None other than the fact that the nightmares have doubled. Tonight she begged me to let her have the sleeping pills back." He feels guilty to be sharing such intimate details about Brooke to anyone other than Rachel. But it's impossible to keep everything bottled up inside now that he can't hide his problems with alcohol. "I'm starting to think that getting rid of them was a bad idea." He admits shamefully, as if confessing such a thought is damaging to everything they've worked so hard to achieve. "Especially now that Haley and Nathan are having another baby."

It's been a week since the therapy session when he told her that he'd had enough, five days since he exploded and cleaned out her bathroom cabinet. To say that things have been tense ever since then would be an understatement. It hurts like hell to see her nightmares get worse with every night that passes and he's entirely fed up with her silence. Yet he has to endure it, every day, because he loves her _that _much.

For her, he'll go through anything and this is the only way. Right?

He spins the mug and sighs. Even before he flushed her pills down the drain, she had seemed like she was paddling backwards. Just from one day to the next she had gone from getting better to closing up like a complete clam. Rachel has been just as clueless and they've both gone over it a million times during their late-night talks in the kitchen.

Brooke had acted like something had ripped up all the memories from before and that was before the therapy sessions had even started. He even knows what day it was. It was that day when…

His hand freezes mid-air, "Oh shit," he mumbles, his water almost at his lips when the thought hits him, "Fuck!" he slams the glass back down so hard it sloshes over the brim and slides down his hand.

_It's was probably her doctor's appointment that ripping up old wounds… You know that she hates hospitals…_

Owens hand comes to rest on his shoulder after seeing the color drain from Luke's face. "What's wrong, man?"

"It was the _doctor's appointment_," he groans and rips his jacket off the chair, ready to rush out through the door. "Something happened at the fucking hospital!"

Owen slaps a twenty dollar bill on the counter and follows him as he jogs out of the worn down bar.

_It's just a routine check up, Lucas. Go to your AA-meeting and I'll see you at home tonight…_

Ice fills his chest as he gets into his car and it doesn't even register when Owen slides in on the passenger side. Like his own personal security guard, ready and willing for anything. He'd thank him if he wasn't so twisted up in his own thoughts in that moment.

How could he have been so stupid? So caught up in his own selfish thoughts as to be so fucking _blind_?

"You can't come," he says starting the car.

Owens shakes his head, "I'm not leaving you alone looking like you're about to relapse." He scoffs.

"I'm going home," he states.

"And?"

"Rachel is there," he says pulling out of the bar.

Owen sighs and buckles his seatbelt, "She was gonna find out somehow."

Lucas wishes _he_ had found things out a lot sooner. Because his slight slip in taking care of the one woman he vowed to protect?

May have just cost what was left of her dwindling sanity.

_Are the details in the fabric?  
Are the things that make you panic?  
Is it Mother Nature's sewing machine?_

**-x-**

**

* * *

  
**

Authors note: Abrupt ending? Sorry, it couldn't be helped.  
This chapter didn't take as long to get up as the last one but now I need to concentrate on Comfortable Liar for a bit so it may be a couple of weeks before the next one is posted. And while I still remember; some of you commented on the way Lucas wanted Brooke's prescription cancelled. And you were right; he can't _make_ the therapist cancel them. That's why he flushed them down. Quitting prescription medication like that might not be the best way to go, as Stagediva23 pointed out, but he's scared and frustrated and he's basically just doing what he thinks is best. Anyhow, everything will unfold in the next chapter.

I received so many wonderful reviews for last chapter and they make me immensely happy so thank you all:

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	22. Lets Hear It For Rock Bottom

Authors note: The thing that isn't allowed to happen, happened. Two weeks ago, my usb flash-drive with the updates I'm working on for all my ongoing stories, crashed. The only reason that this chapter can even be posted was because my lovely Elena had saved a big chunk of it on her computer – and for that I am VERY grateful. I love you, baby-Raye ;)

This is just as long and as tangled as usual and the lyrics intertwined are from a Coldplay-song. Thank you's are at the bottom. Enjoy.

* * *

x

**CHAPTER 2****2 – Let's Hear it for Rock Bottom **

_A rush of blood to the head__…_

**-r-**

Its' 5 am and there is no way in hell she's going to be able to sleep. Even now, when Brooke seems to be resting, Rachel is wide awake and she can't unwind. There's been too much commotion tonight and she still worries about Lucas. For a second she even contemplates calling Owen because if she's right and her high school love is Lucas' sponsor, then he might know where Lucas would have gone.

But she rejects the idea just as quickly. First of all because she doesn't want to talk to Owen, and secondly because she doesn't have his number.

Instead she checks on Brooke again and when she's sure that the brunette is sleeping, she ventures out into the kitchen to grab a couple of Tylenol. A sharp headache is thumping in the back of her head and its making it hard to concentrate on anything important.

She doesn't bother to turn on the light, she knows her way around in the dark after many sleepless nights, and she grabs a bottle of water from the fridge before walking over to the cupboard that holds the painkillers.

And then she suddenly stumbles over something.

"Shit!" she curses between clenched teeth when she hears a crash and something hits the floor. The sound of papers scattering around her feet, fills her ears and she cringes at the thought that she may have heard the sound of something breaking.

She lets out another colorful oath then fumbles for the light switch over the sink. Finding it, the kitchen bathes in light and she squints away from the intensity of brightness. It's when her eyesight finally adjusts that she sees that Brooke's purse is knocked over on the floor and the entire content of it is spread out around her.

Feeling extremely tired all of a sudden, she bends down and starts to gather up all of her friend's spilled belongings. Make-up, keys, a couple of pens and some coins. Brooke's pocketbook calendar and then the cell phone, apparently the thing that broke in the fall because it's in several pieces. She'll have to replace that later but for now she's just going to play dumb when Brooke starts shrieking over it.

One by one she places the things back into the huge Marc Jacobs bag and then she reaches over to grab the pieces of scattered paper. Some unfinished sketches and a…

"What are you doing?"

She spins around, jumping slightly by the sudden and unexpected sound of Brooke's raspy voice.

"Damn it, you scared the shit out of me," Rachel grumbles and runs a hand through her hair. "I thought you were sleeping."

"I was. Until you decided to bring down the hou–"

Brooke falls silent and her eyes seem stuck on something. And following her friend's frozen gaze, Rachel looks back down at the piece of paper in her hand. Involuntarily she reads the first couple of lines and frowns.

"B, what is this?" she says slowly. "I–What's the–"

She looks back up at Brooke's face, down at the paper and then at Brooke again. Her friend's face is ash-grey.

"Give me that, Rachel…" comes Brooke's shaky and silent words as she extends a trembling hand. "Please, Rach. Give me that. _Now_."

But she can't. Because just by reading half of it, it's suddenly clear that there are more secrets about to be unleashed.

"No," she mumbles and starts to stand. "Brooke, sit down. You look like you're about to faint."

Her best friend sways slightly and the grey color of her face soon turns to a deathly pale white. "Please, Rachel?" the brunette begs, but she shakes her head again. And instead of continuing to plead, Brooke turns and disappears out of the room, faster than she has time to react.

"Brooke!" she barks after her friend. "Get your fucking ass back in here!"

The only response is the sound of the bathroom door slamming shut.

**-l-**

_He said__; I'm going to buy this place and burn it down  
I'm going to put it six feet underground  
He said; I'm going to buy this place and watch it fall  
Stand here beside my baby in the crumbling walls_

He makes it home a lot faster than what should be possible. Probably because he's driving way over the speed-limit and because the streets of New York are unusually empty.

He's thankful for these small favors because he needs to get home. His head is a tangled mess of worried thoughts, possible scenarios just out of his grasp, and he needs to talk to Brooke before his imagination goes overboard completely.

If something went down on her check-up appointment, then he needs to know. If she is sick… if something is wrong…

He turns dangerously fast and in the corner of his eye he can see Owen clutching the seat.

"Luke, slow down a little," Owen tries and he eases the pressure off the gas slightly but he doesn't say a single word. He needs to think so he simply squeezes the steering wheel and makes it up the street to their apartment building.

Owen sighs, but when Luke hastily parks the car just the outside of his building and literally throws the keys at the doorman as he rushes past him, the taller guy follows him without further protests. Maybe Owen senses that he doesn't even know himself why he's suddenly so worried?

"Are you sure you wanna come up?" he mutters and takes the front steps in double strides. "Rachel is going to be grumpy as hell."

Owen just shrugs and stands next to him to wait for the elevator.

"It's one of her more enjoyable moods. I remember her when she was PMSing. _That_, I tell you, was no fucking picnic."

For a second, that comment almost makes Lucas smile.

But then they arrive on their floor and he clenches his teeth instead. Unlocks the door and makes it into the hallway with a clearly apprehensive 'sponsor' following in his tracks. And he's merely a couple of steps into the apartment before he hears Rachel's voice.

"B, come on… You need to unlock the door, sweetie…"

"Rachel?" he calls and walks towards the sound, quickly finding a very defeated looking redhead outside the closed door to the master bathroom. "What's going on, Rach?" he asks. "Is Brooke in there?"

Rachel nods and glances over his shoulder. He prepares for an angry outburst for bringing Owen into their home, but it doesn't come. Instead Rachel inhales shakily. "I need to show you something," she mumbles and holds up her hand, waving a piece of paper.

"What's that?" he asks and she hands it to him as if she wants to get rid of it as fast as she can.

"I don't know really. I think it's from Brooke's medical file."

The earlier worry in his gut grows deeper, especially when Rachel mumbles out a silent; "Read it and talk to her. She won't listen to me…"

Then the redhead grabs her keys from the hallway table and looks up at Owen.

"Let's go," she says and nods towards the front door. "They need some privacy."

For a second he meets his sponsor's eyes and he nods almost unnoticeably. "Go," he mutters, and he's already reading when he hears the sound of the front door shutting.

He's already reading and just the fact that it obviously has to do with her health makes him nauseous with worry.

_Date: 07/12-2008  
Patients name: Davis, Brooke Penelope  
SSN: 567-69-4812_

_Patient is medicated for immune deficiencies caused by spleen removal. Vaccines were therefore administered on 07/12-08, including Pneumovax 2, Hib vaccine and Meningococcal A&C.  
Penicillin V 250mg keeps being prescribed twice a day, according to earlier assessment. _

_After physiotherapy, medial collateral ligament, as well as anterior cruciate ligament, in right knee has healed but patient complains of mild discomfort caused by cap-implant. _

_Patient requested to undergo evaluation regarding possibility to conceive. Based on medical history, conception is neither probable nor advised due to uterine scarring, including intrauterine adhesions. Left fallopian tube scarred severely from blunt force trauma. Patient suffered spontaneous expulsion of pregnancy in week 10 + 4 after invasive spleenectomy in 2006. In case of pregnancy, patient will be high-risk due to earlier medical history._

_Patient still suffers from post-trauma symptoms and claims to experience night-terrors. _

He reads it again. And then again.

And he wonders how his heart can possibly break more than it already has in the last two years. It's not hard to figure out what it had been about this progress note that had crushed Brooke. Two sentences stick out as if they were illuminated. The first one being her nightmare but the second one worries him more.

…_Conception is neither probable nor advised. _

_In case of pregnancy, patient will be high-risk due to earlier medical history._

"Oh, Brooke…" he mumbles sadly, because he knows exactly how his girlfriend has read this. In her state, 'not probable' translates as 'impossible'. To her, this piece of paper is a verdict on her ability to have children and the verdict is negative.

He closes his eyes and sighs, trying to think of the best way to handle this with his fragile girlfriend. Because it's crucial that she understands that her ability to conceive has nothing to do with his love for her.

To do that, he needs to talk to her face to face.

Slowly he walks closer to the shut bathroom door and leans his forehead towards the cold surface.

"Brooke?" he asks silently, "Can you open up?"

He hears her sniffle and he breathes out. At least the sound tells him that she's listening.

"Brooke, please?"

"Go away."

Her voice is small and full of anxiety and he wishes so much that he could hug her and let her know that this was going to be okay. But how is he going to get that point across to her when she won't even let him into the bathroom?

"Why didn't you _tell_ me, baby?" he mumbles and slides his hand up to rest against the wood. "This isn't something that you should have bottled up. Don't you know that you can talk to me?"

Silence – and he's not that surprised. It's all empty words anyway because she hasn't talked to him for real at all. Not about anything. She mumbles out a strained, "Just leave me alone, Luke," from the inside and he almost gets angry.

"Not a chance, Brooke," he states. "I want you to open the door so that we can talk."

"No."

The door is pretty thick but he can still hear the sound of her opening the bathroom cabinets and drawers. It sounds like she's looking for something.

"Brooke?" he tries a final time but there's no answer. Then it goes totally quiet. He can't even hear her sniffling anymore and it scares him. He's pretty certain that he flushed down basically every type of pill in there, but right now, being half sure is not enough.

He sighs in frustration and balls the palm that is rested against the door into a tight fist. He's not going to get her out of there by pleading.

"Have it your way," he groans and takes a step backwards. "I'm not playing this game with you."

He's been doing that for too long.

_Oh I'm going to buy this place and start a fire__  
Stand here until I fill all your heart's desires  
Because I'm going to buy this place and see it burn  
Do back the things it did to you in return_

**-b-**

Suddenly it's silent.

A second ago she could hear him just outside the door but then there was a fading sound of footsteps and now she can't hear him at all.

Slowly she closes the door to the cabinet again and slides down to sit on the floor.

She leans her head back against the cold marble tub and wraps her arms tighter around her knees. The realization that he just left starts to sink in and her stomach churns like she's going to be sick but she breathes in and wills the nausea away.

She understands him.

This was _not_ the way he was supposed to find out and he needs time to think this over.

She should have sat him down and told him calmly. Explained to him what the doctor said and that she most likely won't be able to give him the son or the little baby daughter that she knows that he wants. She's practiced it in her head so many times lately that she knows the speech by heart.

_I understand if you want to leave. You would make a great father, Lucas__. You deserve to have kids…_

She'll understand if he wants to leave her because lately she kind of wants to leave herself. And not just because she'll never be a mom.

She knows what a pain in the ass she's being. With the pills and the nightmares and the way she fights so hard to keep him at a safe distance instead of letting him in. It's just that she's so scared.

Or maybe she's just selfish?

Selfish for wanting him around and having him love her. Maybe even guilty for pulling him back into all this shit that threatens to ruin them both.

She had been so close to healing when she got him back. Everything had started to come together again and all she needed was the faith that she'd someday fill this gaping hole inside her and then she would have told him how much she misses their unborn baby. She _would_ have opened up.

She just needed to know that they could get another chance.

She lets go of her knees and inhales. Brings one hand to rest over her belly and finally lets the reality of it all start to seep in.

"_I'm sorry Brooke. It's just not advisable. Your uterus is scarred and even if you managed to get pregnant, you would __probably go through another miscarriage."_

The chances, the doctor had said, were slim to none.

She holds back the tears and it hurts so much to know that she's pushing away the only person that can save her right now. She needs him so much but it's so hard to reach out to him after having stayed closed up for so long.

Every time he wants to be there for her, she freaks out and starts paddling backwards, too scared to lean on him for comfort in fear of scaring him away. And now she'd done it again. She needed him now, yet she had pushed him to the point where he simply left her alone.

And then suddenly, the footsteps return.

She holds her breath for a second, listening to something rustling against the lock of the door and to the sound of metal against metal. She can hear him curse silently and then the clinking sound of something dropping to the floor.

The tears start trickling down her cheeks and through the watery curtain she can see the little door knob starting to move. The wooden door creaks and whimpers in resistance and then the material make a cracking noise and swings open.

"Don't ever do that again," his voice comes from the doorway and she lets the flood of tears go and reaches out to him. His arms close around her in a second and she sobs freely into his chest.

"Don't you _ever_ do that," he utters over and over. "Don't you ever fucking scare me like that again, Brooke."

She clings to him and he half lifts her and cradles her in his lap.

They're on the floor in a bathroom. He's just taken down the door to get to her and her chest hurts so much that she just has to let it out.

"I–I want–" she sobs and buries her face into the fabric of his shirt, "I want my baby… I want it back…"

As in a daze she hears his sharp intake of air above her and the strangled sob-like sound that escapes him.

"I know," he gets out and rocks her back and forth. "I know, pretty girl…"

The pain is so sharp but suddenly it feels different.

She's finally said it out loud.

**-r****-**

_He said__; Oh I'm going to buy a gun and start a war  
If you can tell me something worth fighting for _

She picks at her eggs and pushes the bacon around with her fork to seem like she's eating but she guesses that she's not fooling the guy at the opposite side of the table.

Or scratch 'guess'. She knows that she's not fooling him. Never has.

So in the dim-lit worn down atmosphere of the 24/7 open diner, she decides to be honest with someone other than Brooke for once.

"I'm really scared," she admits quietly and it's probably a weird thing to say since she has barely spoken to him since leaving the apartment, but if he thinks so, he doesn't say it.

Instead he just nods.

"He's going to take care of her," he reassures in that deep baritone of his. "Luke will get her out of there."

"I'm not so sure. I mean what would have happened if you hadn't found him, right? He could hav–"

A waitress comes by to refill their coffee and she pushes the plate back and grabs the steaming mug. Owen leans over and spears a strip of bacon from her plate on his fork.

"You're not eating this, right?" he asks and stuffs it into his mouth, and she simply shakes her head. She's not eating it because it feels like her throat has this huge ball of hot tears somewhere halfway down her esophagus and it makes it hard to swallow.

She sips the coffee instead and watches him eat.

She's tired and she wants to ramble to someone so bad. She wants him to tell her that she can trust Lucas, because right now she's just so worried he's going to mess things up even more.

Owen is his sponsor after all. If anyone knows whether or not Lucas can handle this, it should be him, right?

The silence becomes too much to handle and she just needs to know she did the right thing leaving Brooke. So, out of the blue and keeping her eyes down, she breathes,

"He _can_ handle this, right? He can handle her...he's not making this worse, is he?"

Owen puts down his fork and scratches the back of his head.

"You probably know him better than I do," he starts, but then he seems to change his mind because he squints. "Or you know what?" he suddenly asks and wipes his chin with the napkin. "Maybe that doesn't even matter. Maybe you should just give Lucas a little more credit, Rachel? Maybe you should just give people _in general_ a little more credit?"

"What do you mean?"

Okay, so she doesn't trust that many people. Honestly, she doesn't really trust anyone except for Brooke and maybe Philip. But Owen doesn't know that. He doesn't know _her_. Last time he did, she was just a teenage girl.

And didn't she just try to trust Lucas? Maybe he didn't end up drunk, but he left. And she still trusted him to take care of Brooke now. Shouldn't that be enough?

"Lucas called _me_," Owen mutters as if reading her mind. "I didn't accidentally run into him in a bar and I didn't head out in the middle of the night to save him from himself." His brown eyes lock into hers and although she really wants to, she can't look away.

"The dude needed someone to vent to," he continues tiredly, "Someone who wouldn't think that he was failing just because all this shit makes him _want_ to drink. Wanting to and actually _doing it_ are two very different things."

She finally manages to break away from his gaze and she starts playing with the salt-shaker. But Owen reaches over the table and takes it from her.

"Hey," he says, "are you listening to me?"

She nods and bites her lip. Lets her red bangs fall in front of her eyes.

"You don't understand what it's been like," she whispers and then she curses inwardly because she didn't mean to say that out loud. What the hell was it that made her randomly spill stuff like this to him?

"Then maybe you should tell me?" he answers calmly. And when she looks down at her hand that was empty just seconds ago, his hand is covering it. His warm palm against her own.

The lump of tears in her throat grows larger.

"Your hands look exactly the same…" she mumbles and runs her thumb over an old paled scar across his knuckles.

"It hasn't been that long, Chelle…" he mumbles back, equally soft.

It's only been seven years, going on a lifetime.

_Oh and I'm going to buy this place, that's what I said  
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head_

**-l-**

There are things that never seem to get easier and one of those things is watching Brooke Davis cry.

He blames it on her heart-shaped mouth and the way her sobs make his chest crack open. But also on her eyes. Because every time she cries, her eyes look at him as if she thinks she's doing something wrong and he can't stand that this time. This time, she is completely without blame.

So he thanks the man above when she drifts into sleep and the tears stop falling. Exhausted, he picks her up and carries her out of the bathroom and into their bed while biting back his own tears. Then he carefully strips her of her pj-pants and himself out of everything but boxers before settling next to her against the sea of soft pillows.

Her body is warm against his, her breaths are slow and steady and he swallows and lets his hand wander down until it reaches her belly. Lets his fingers fan out over the soft skin so that his palm covers most of her midsection.

"_I hate myself_," she had said to him on the bathroom floor. "_I hate this useless body_." And he just doesn't understand how she can say that because he loves her so much – mind body and soul.

Of course he's disappointed.

But not with her. _Never_ with her. This is just something that they'll have to get over, right?

The last three hours had been spent trying to make her understand that none of this mattered. That he doesn't _care_ if she can have babies or not and that he doesn't _want_ to leave her because of these news.

And every time she counter-attacked.

"_I only need _you_, pretty girl."_

"_But you deserve to be a father, Luke."_

"_We can adopt."_

"_I really wanted to carry your child…"_

"_It's not important Brooke. I _love_ you."_

"_But what if I never get over this? What if I can't feel happy again?"_

"_I don't care. I'll be here."_

"_You deserve better…"_

He's exhausted now and yet somehow he feels as if they've had another breakthrough. The secret is out and even though Brooke is heartbroken, she talked to him tonight. _Really_ talked to him in a way she hasn't even talked during therapy.

She told him about the miscarriage. About how she had felt at the hospital a few weeks back when she saw her file. Silently she talked about the emptiness she's felt since the accident, the jealousy towards Haley for Jamie and the pregnancy and the guilt towards Rachel for – as she called it – keeping the redhead from having a normal life. And she finally told him about the nightmares.

His heart breaks when he thinks about her evident separation-issues. And although he had guessed that she still dreamt about the accident, it saddens him that the bigger part of her dreams still has him leaving her.

"_If you find someone else tha–"_

"_Brooke, I don't want to be with anyone but you, okay?"_

"_But if you –"_

"_No."_

He slides his spread out hand over her skin and stops at the scar on the left side of her abdomen. The sleeping girl next to him just doesn't understand. Nothing is more important to him than her.

Nothing.

He sighs and closes his eyes in an effort to let sleep overtake him but his mind is bursting with pent up emotion and he keeps feeling like he should be doing something. Saying something. Feeling something.

Something other than…

His eyes snap open again when a voice whispers his voice from the open door.

"Hey… Luke? Are you awake?"

Nathan? What the hell was his brother doing here?

Careful not to wake Brooke he sits up in the bed and squints in the dark room. And he's not imagining things. It's Nathan alright, leaning against the doorpost as if there's nothing strange at all with his presence.

"What are you doing here, man?" he whispers back, silently getting out of bed and pulling on a pair of sweatpants. Nathan doesn't answer, instead his dark haired brother walks back into the hallway and he follows and shuts the bedroom door behind him.

He gives Nathan a brotherly hug and then he repeats his question.

"What are you doing here? Better yet, _how_ did you get in here?"

"Rachel called me, and I have a key."

There's no need for a longer explanation. Nathan's questioning look tells him the rest. Rachel had called for back-up when he left to meet Owen and Nathan had stepped up.

Surprisingly he isn't angry at all. Just tired.

"I didn't drink," he sighs and leads the way to the kitchen.

"I figured," Nathan mumbles back. "How's Brooke?"

How's Brooke? What the hell should he answer to that question? He rubs his temples and opens the fridge to grab a bottle of water. Maybe he should just be blunt and go straight for the truth?

"She'll never have kids," he mutters and tosses a bottle back to Nathan. One that ends up on the floor because Nathan just lets it fall through his hands too shocked to catch it.

"What?"

"Her doctor told her. That's what made her spiral."

Nathan blinks and stares back at him. Then something seems to click in his brother's head.

"Oh _fuck_ no… When did she find out?" Nathan rubs a hand over his face and bends down to pick up the bottled water. "I think Haley called her yesterday to –"

"Yeah but it doesn't matter Nate… she's known for over a month at least."

They stand in silence for several minutes and then Nathan walks over to sit down by the kitchen island.

"So… what?" he asks hesitantly, "Is she, um–she's infertile? Is it treatable?"

He takes the place across the counter and looks at his brother's worried face. It's almost ridiculous when he thinks about it. Just twenty-two hours ago, he had been talking to Nate on the phone, congratulating him on having another kid. And now he's sitting here wishing that his future niece or nephew wouldn't exist.

It'll be tough enough for Brooke as it is.

"She's not infertile," he says and gulps down some of the water. "Her doctor has told her that… uhm…" he searches for the right words, "–that she shouldn't have kids because her uterus is damaged and it's not–"

"She _shouldn't_?" Nathan repeats, suddenly perking up, "Or she _can't_?"

He squints and shakes his head. He should have known that Nathan would see it like that.

"No," he replies sternly. "It's not safe. The medical note that he wrote says that she would be high-risk and that–"

He hates how Nathan doesn't even have to verbally interrupt him. The rise of his brother's eyebrow is enough to shut him up. Silently he curses between clenched teeth and looks down at the granite surface of the counter-top.

"She _can_ potentially have a baby," he corrects slowly, "but she'd most likely miscarry again and it's not safe for her…"

He trails off into silence. It's obvious that his brother doesn't understand.

Maybe if he just told Nathan everything…

_He said__; I'm going to buy this place and see it go  
Stand here beside my baby, watch the orange glow  
Some will laugh and some just sit and cry  
But you just sit down there and you wonder why_

**-r****-**

She wakes up at 10 am by the sound of her cell phone. And the second she opens her eyes, she knows that she's in deep shit. She should have checked in with Lucas about Brooke.

Instead she had gone straight to bed and…

Something moves behind her and horrified she realizes that there's an arm around her waist. A very manly arm with a very familiar tattoo just above the wrist.

_Spartan 53_

She fucking did it again.

"Owen, let me go," she mumbles trying to lift his heavy arm. "I need to answer the phone."

He groans in his sleep but rolls over and with newfound freedom she reaches for her cell. "Brooke?" she asks as soon as she answers the call, having already seen her best friend's name on the display. "Where are you?"

Since she's in the apartment, in her own bed, and Brooke is calling her she figures that Brooke must have gone out. The brunette had been asleep in the bedroom when she came home 3 hours ago, safely wrapped in Lucas' arms, but as always with Brooke's insomnia it was hard to know where she'd be when you woke up.

"I'm right here."

The voice sounds double, both in her ear and from over by the door, and she looks up to see Brooke leaning against the doorpost. A quick scan tells her that the brunette is tired but that she's in better shape than last night.

"Nice PJ's," she mutters sarcastically and nods towards the huge NYU t-shirt her friend wears.

"Nice bed-buddy," comes Brooke's quick response.

And suddenly she doesn't care that Owen lies just centimeters behind her in the big bed. She ignores the raised eyebrow and nod that Brooke sends in Owens direction, and she simply lifts the blanket on her other side.

"Come here," she mumbles silently, suddenly just as worried and emotional as she'd been last night, and she groans at the obvious vulnerability in her own voice. Living with Brooke Davis is making her into a complete cry-baby.

But Brooke takes the three steps over and crawls into the bed with her without protests. Lucas' big t-shirt hangs loosely on her and she cuddles into Rachel's warmth. "Nathan's here," she mumbles contently. "But I guess you already knew that."

She runs her fingers through Brooke's hair soothingly and half-smiles. "Already? Wow, are you sure that Nathan doesn't have a crush on you?"

Brooke sticks her tongue out in response, although the brunette knows it's just a joke. Honestly, she's thankful as hell that Nathan takes her emergency calls so seriously. The poor guy must have driven all night but if that medical note meant what she thinks it did, then Brooke was going to need all the support available.

"Are you okay, B?" she asks solemnly, "Like _really_ okay?"

"No, but I will be. I talked to Lucas…"

The slight waiver in Brooke's tone is all the answer she needs to the next question, yet she asks anyway.

"About the baby? And the nightmares?"

"Yeah."

She breathes out and a part of her wants to yell out '_Thank you, Lord!_' but she's not really religious and she doesn't want to seem crazy. Instead she presses on.

"And will it stick this time, B? Or are you gonna clam up again before he has a chance to digest all this?"

"I promised him that I'll make it stick. We're gonna keep talking tonight."

This time the voice is even more silent but she still feels hopeful.

Owen moves behind her and she swats his wandering hand away when Brooke's face goes from looking solemn to sporting a knowing smirk. She tries to convey with her eyes that she hadn't slept with her ex, just slept _beside_ him since his car was still outside the bar where he met Lucas. But it's useless.

Especially when the dark-haired man grunts tiredly into the pillow and raises his head to look at Brooke over her shoulder.

"Brooke Davis," he acknowledges as if he's made some scientific break-through. Then he looks confused. "Are we having a threesome this morning? Should I go brush my teeth?"

She rolls her eyes and shoves him out of the bed with the arm that is not wrapped around Brooke. "Girls only," she snaps but not half as harsh as she should and he smiles.

"I could go for that," he teases.

She hates that it makes her smile back.

"Hey Owen," Brooke mumbles, "Thanks for taking care of Lucas…"

Owen simply winks back, saying; "Anything for you, princess," and gets out of the sheets. While he grabs his pants from the floor she frowns. "What? You _knew_ that he was Lucas' sponsor?" she grumbles and during the seconds that he's still in just boxers, she finds herself staring at his body. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Brooke shrugs and looks innocent and for a second Rachel hardly even notices the dark circles under the brunette's eyes.

"And have you bite his head off when he was so good at helping Luke? Naw…"

Owen chuckles and still shirtless, he presses his lips softly against her forehead and buckles the belt in his jeans. "I'm gonna go see what Luke is doing," he says and smiles down at her before looking over at Brooke. "Go easy on the girl-on-girl action will you?"

Brooke throws a pillow at him and she laughs – actually _laughs_ – and Rachel breathes out silently. In the midst of all the sadness, something has definitely changed.

Something has cracked and healed and made the air feel different.

Maybe last night had been rock bottom? Maybe now they could start swimming back up?

_And they call as they beckon you on  
They said__; Start as you mean to go on  
As you mean to go on_

**-n-**

He's always loved Central Park.

Every time he makes it up to New York – whether it being for a game or just to visit Brooke – he always makes sure to come here. It's something with the endless amounts of green, surrounded by skyscrapers, that just gives him a calm feeling. Especially on a day like this, when the skies are clear and the temperature is starting to fall.

They used to run here, Brooke and him, when she was recovering from the accident. And somehow it's just gotten to be tradition. Even though they're not running today, they still end up by the Conservatory Pond, just watching the boats.

It's calming and he guesses that she needs it too.

She's tired obviously, and frighteningly pale. Even more quiet than usual. He watches her in silence as they stroll down the edge of the pond and finally he points to a café up the hill.

"Let's grab some coffee and sit down for a bit," he suggests.

"You drink coffee now?" she asks with a raised brow, "I thought you were all for the clean living during game-season?"

He sighs and fishes a twenty dollar bill out of his jeans.

"Yeah, but I got up at 4 am and drove for six hours straight. I need the caffeine."

She looks a little guilty and he bites his tongue. That didn't come out right.

"Rachel shouldn't have called you," she mumbles and shoves her hands down deep into the pockets of her jacket. "It was totally unnecessary."

He avoids her statement and orders them the coffee. Tall black one for himself, Caramel Mocha Latte for her. And when he hands her the Styrofoam cup, her face is still solemn.

"She didn't call for your sake," he says and nudges her shoulder. "She called me to come look after Lucas. She was worried he'd had another setback."

It's not a complete lie. Rachel did call because of Lucas and her fear that his brother had gone on a drinking spree. The fact that she asked for help to deal with Brooke in case Lucas wasn't capable, was just secondary.

"You're lying. She called you up here to babysit me."

"Maybe so, baby-Brooke." He smirks to lift the mood but she pouts. "Aw, come on," he teases, "she called because my blonde brooding brother went AWOL. You know Rachel, B. She freaks out easily."

She sips her coffee and then she looks up at him with a serious expression on her face.

"Thanks, Nate. But really, Lucas and I can handle this." Her features soften a bit. "Go home to Haley, your son and your unborn baby. Give Hales a huge hug from me and tell her I'll call her when things calm down a bit." The smile on her face is sad. "I hope it's a girl," she says and smiles. "Jamie would love a baby sister."

Beneath the smile, she looks so sad it kills him. And he's gone over an hour without bringing up what he found out his morning but when she tries so hard to be happy for him and Haley, he can't stay silent.

"_Come on_, Brooke," he sighs. "Lucas told me. You don't need to keep up the front."

"What?"

He places the coffee mug down on a bench and looks her straight in the eyes. "I'm sorry, B. Haley didn't know, okay? She didn't mean to make you sad."

A flash of pain comes over her face and she looks away. But he pushes.

"Admit that it hurts," he urges her. A when she still doesn't look at him, he clarifies. "What the doctor said. Just say that it hurts, Brooke. I mean, it's so _fucked up_…"

The brunette beside him says nothing but when he curls his arm around her shoulders, she breathes out an almost inaudible, "He says it doesn't matter, but a part of me still worries that it's going to make him leave me."

"What? Who?" He looks down at her in confusion and when he sees how vulnerable she is, it hits him that she's being serious. "No! Aw, _man_…" quickly he swoops her up into a tight hug and hushes her. "_Why_ would he do that Davis? Have a little faith, okay?"

Her pulse beats quickly and her shoulders are tense. Obviously this has been plaguing her for some time.

"Lucas would never leave you again. Haven't we established that during these past few months?" He leans his chin on the top of her head and smiles. "Honestly Brooke, I think you could screw my entire team right in front of his face without him leaving you."

His last comment makes her let out a tiny strained chuckle. And he sees this as evidence that at least she's listening to what he says. "Listen" he says even softer, "the doctor could be wrong but even if he's right, there's always adoption. Being a mother is not about giving birth, B."

This time the chuckle is more emotionless and she pushes back on his chest. "God, does _everyone_ know?" she sighs out loud.

"What do you mean?"

"Nathan, that monologue just screamed Tutor-mom so much that it's _embarrassing_." She shakes her head. "Either she coached you on what to say or you've read way too many of her parenting books. Honestly, I don't know which of those alternatives would freak me out less."

She still looks sad, her voice still trembles, but at least the humor shows that a piece of the Brooke Davis he knows is still intact after the countless blows life keeps giving her.

"Alright," he chuckles back. "You've got me. But one thing you really need to take into consideration is that you have time, okay? You and Lucas are only 23 years old, you both have been through a lot of crap and you're probably more mature than most of us. But it's only been four months since the two of you reunited and even though Luke _wants_ a kid with you, who says he's ready for one, huh?"

Brooke's eyes fall down to watch her shoes and she mumbles something incoherent. He puts his finger under her chin and tilts her head back up. "Huh? Who says that this can't wait a bit, Brooke? There's no stress."

"You know that he wants kids, Nate," she mumbles a little louder. "I'd say that if I can't give them to him, then time won't really matter…"

"And I say it will."

"How?"

The old stubbornness and defiance is back in her voice and he's almost reluctant to deliver the answer on his tongue. It would be so easy to say something cliché like 'because time heals all wounds,' but that would be like insulting the brunette's intelligence. It would be even easier to tell her about the little velvet box, but that just wouldn't be fair to Luke.

So instead he goes with the painful truth.

"Check the facts, Davis," he sighs. "Lucas is a recovering alcoholic without a job. He has clear issues with returning to his career as a writer and no clue about what else to do."

He waits for the nod that he knows she'll deliver, because this is the simple part. Brooke knows and sees Lucas' problems much clearer than she sees her own. And when the nod does come, he brings his hand up and touches her cheek. It really sucks to have to call her on this.

"You, from what Rachel tells me, have _just_ stopped popping pills," he continues more gently. "And Lucas didn't just tell me about the doctor's verdict. He also told me about how he talked to a closed bathroom door last night, before having to lift it off its freaking hinges."

Shamefully Brooke looks away but he's so used to this that it's almost laughable. He's already prepared to guide her face back, hence the hand on her cheek, and he mutters a, "Hey… look at me," for emphasis. "The therapy sessions are going good, I hear?"

Gentle sarcasm, but sarcasm never the less.

"Don't be an ass, Nate," she mumbles. "I'm trying. Ask Rachel."

"I did."

Hurting or not, Brooke still hides behind the redhead. And not even her hurt expression keeps him from saying "You still work too hard, even with Lucas here, and Rach tells you that every day, doesn't she?"

The silence says it all but he goes as far as to underline the obvious. "Maybe you should make sure that both _you_ and Lucas are good before the two of you start having babies?"

The sadness in her eyes deepens but now there's also anger.

"What part of _I can't get pregnant_ don't you understand, Nathan?" she spits out and rips her face away from his hand. "Let me say it again so that it will stick; I _can't_ get fucking pregnant!"

"The doctor said it could be _hard_, not that it was impossible. Right?"

He deems not to let her self-pity get to him. Where Lucas fails because seeing Brooke hurt is killing him - Nathan tries to stay cool. If not for his brother's sake. "It's been what? Four months?" he presses on. "Have you guys even _tried_ conceiving? Last time I spoke to Luke about this, he still couldn't say the word 'baby' in your presence."

"It only took _one night_ last time," she answers sharply and it actually stings because he realizes that the simple phrase is the most she's said to him about the pregnancy during the last two years. But he shakes it away.

"It took me and Hales two years to make this one," he instead answers back just as calm as she is on fire. "Sometimes it takes time."

"You've been trying for two years?"

He understands the confusion on her face because it isn't something him or Haley has talked about. It had never really gotten to the point where they started to get worried about it. They had just seen it as a classic case of 'when it happens, it happens…' but they had on the other hand not had a doctor's verdict hanging over their heads. And neither of them had they ever lost a child.

So he nods, but instead of dwelling on it further, he just brings his friend back into a hug.

"Don't give up yet," he mumbles and presses a chaste kiss on the top of her head. "And try harder in therapy Brooke. For Luke's sake. He needs to see that you're really dealing with this. You have no idea how much it kills him to watch you hold in all this pain."

She leans her head on his shoulder and lets out a deep sigh.

"Okay…"

Then she dries tears that he hadn't even noticed falling on his t-shirt and they sip their coffee and watch the ducks on the pond in silence. Then she straightens a little and clears her throat.

"One thing though, Nate…"

"Yeah?"

He looks down at her face curiosity and she fastens a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I would never sleep with your entire basketball team," she says with a newfound strength in her voice.

And even after the seriousness of their conversation, a deep chuckle slips from him. The comment is so random and yet so very _Brooke_.

"No? Why?" he questions with his eyebrow raised the way she usually does it. "Are my teammates not hot enough for you, Brooke Davis?"

She looks up and suddenly there's a hint of a playful smile on her face. Exactly the kind of smile that his brother had talked about this morning, the smile that Luke's been missing lately.

"They're okay, I guess," she says and taps her chin with her fingertip as if in thought. Then after a moment of silence, she adds, "but I've always been a Knicks fan."

He laughs loudly and shoves her so that she almost falls off the bench. "Hey! Not funny Davis!"

But of course its funny and she knows it too. She laughs as well and when they finally calm down she looks up at him with the smile still intact.

"Thanks for coming to check on me, Nate," she says and he nods. "It means a lot to me."

Linking his hand with hers he pulls her up on her feet.

"Let's get you back to Lucas," he answers because the 'don't mention it' is as unnecessary as always. "He said something about dinner and I'm hungry as a wolf."

"I don't give a shit about dinner," Brooke answers and matches her stride with his on their way back to the busy streets of Manhattan. "I just want to tease Rachel for slipping up and sleeping with Owen."

He chokes on his coffee and laughs before looking at her incredulously, still amazed that his high school friend is in there somewhere.

"What?" she asks innocently and then she sticks her tongue out. "Aw, come on Nate! You know you want it too."

Squeezing her shoulder he admits that she's right and then he listens as she calls Lucas on her cell-phone just to tell him that she's on her way back and that she misses him.

He watches her smile at something Lucas says on the other end and he feels sad that Brooke and his brother might not ever have biological children. But just like when talking to Lucas earlier, he can't help but think that it'll be okay.

As long as Brooke and Lucas have each other, he's pretty sure things will be fine.

---x---

_So meet me by the bridge, meet me by the lane  
When am I going to see that pretty face again  
Meet me on the road, meet me where I said  
Blame it all upon__;  
A rush of blood to the head_

---x---

_

* * *

  
_

Authors note: So, first; for those of you who've found this story too depressing lately, I'm sorry. I have a big vision and in long stories things tend to go the longer route. If you feel like you can't deal; send me a PM and I'm tell you what you want to know about BL's future (kind of like flipping ahead in the pages of a book). But keep in mind the title for this chapter. What happens after you hit the bottom?

Thank you's:

I'm so grateful for all the support I'm getting from you guys. A lot of you have kept with this from the start and I love you for it. The awesome part is that there's still new people finding this and what can I say except thank you and welcome to you all. Every single review puts a huge smile on my face. :D

Elena: Do I need to say more than the obvious 'R to my B, B to my R'? Thanks for the song, my love.

Stagediva23: Just a question, did you by any chance find my cliff-notes? LOL. You pretty much predicted this entire chapter. Keep doin' it. I love it. ;) And Allie: You're so observant. Seeing every little painful detail. Thank you both for that because it makes writing so much more fun.

The same goes to Michelle, even though I was sad that you've lost hope. Please remember that Brooke is my favorite character. Do send me a PM if you want me to explain things. I'd hate to lose you as a reader.

Yana, Long Live BRUCAS, Ebony, Chelsea and Kristin; All of you figured out what the doctor said. ;) Am I losing my way with clues? LOL, I love you all.

Cheyenne, Whitney, Chebelle: I know you're frustrated with the turn of things in last chapter. But bare with me, kids. ;) After rain comes sun, right? And Hilary: I love your critique, you know that. Rest assured, Brooke will come back stronger than ever. You are all awesome.

Denise, Sara, Jem, Holly, PeterClaire, Brucas3Naley23, Leah and Ally: You guys support me even when I make BL depressing to no end LOL. That's what I call love. Thanks you guys.

Anonie Mouse and xCailinNollaigx; I can't force you guys to read but thanks for your reviews and your feedback. I'll keep the stuff in mind.

And of course big thanks to Princesakarlita411, Bibleboymary4ever, Princetongrl and Brookenlucas4eva03


	23. Difficult To Reach

**Author's note:** Another chapter. And there's not much to say other than that I love you all and that this story – however much it may frustrate some of you – is very dear to me and I plan to follow my original plan. Hopefully you'll like me anyway ;)  
Elena, Stefy and Cor, I heart you. The lyrics and title is from the song _You Picked Me_ by A Fine Frenzy. Thank you's at the bottom as well as some FAQ.

-x-

**CHAPTER 23 ****– Difficult To Reach**

_One, two, three  
Counting out the signs we see  
The tall buildings  
Fading in the distance  
Only dots on a map_

**-l-**

It's not even 9 am on Monday morning when he passes Gordon the doorman and walks out into the busy street. It's early, the weather is frosty but clear and he can't wait to get outside. He has things to do today, people to see and plans to set in motion.

Inside his chest, his heart feels light. Brooke had slept through the night without waking up once. No nightmares and no sleeping pills. No tears or startled wide-eyed expressions. He knows because he's been up half the night watching her. And even though they spent three nights apart – Brooke spending the weekend in California, arranging runway shows, and him at home in the apartment with Rachel – they had a good evening last night and she had slept like a _normal_ person, tucked safely under his arm.

It's the first time it's happened in the five months they've spent together.

He walks a block and steps into the Starbucks on 3rd Ave, orders a double Breakfast Blend and a cream cheese bagel and sits down by the window. It's early for _him_, but for the working part of the Manhattan's population, as well as for his brother in Tree Hill, it's almost halfway to lunch so he doesn't worry the least when he fishes the phone out of his pocket and dials 4 on speed-dial.

"Morning, bro" he says with his mouth full of bagel. "You awake?"

"Yeah, sure. Morning practice at 6.30, remember?"

Chuckling, he takes another bite of the bread. "That sucks, Nate. But at least you have the whole day ahead of you now, right?"

"I guess." Nathan laughs as well. "You sound unusually up-beat and positive. What's up Luke?"

He swallows the new bite with some of the hot coffee and watches as a woman with a stroller walks into the coffee house. She's brunette and about Brooke's height, but not nearly as beautiful.

"Well, I was wondering if you and Hales are gonna come up to New York for some Christmas shopping. I have something I want to talk to you about."

"Is everything okay? How's Brooke? She's okay, right?"

Nathan suddenly sounds serious and he reassures his brother not only with words but with his tone. "She's fine. _Really_. She slept seven and a half hours last night."

"What?"

"Yeah."

He sips his coffee again and the brunette woman with the baby orders a tall Caramel Macchiato and again he thinks about his girlfriend.

The baby in the stroller gurgles happily and unconsciously he smiles at the sound.

"I told you it would get better," Nathan says. "She's so fucking tough, that girl. Did you guys get those results back?"

"Nope," he says and makes funny faces to the baby – he guesses that it's a boy – and the little face breaks into a wide toothless grin. "Next week. But Philip said that this expert-dude Dr. Bernstein is the go-to guy. I really hope that he comes through."

It's December 3rd already and it would be a perfect Christmas gift. A whole month has passed since Brooke broke apart in the bathroom of their apartment and she would be ecstatic if they could get some hope on this baby thing. And his Christmas would be saved if he could get Brooke to smile like the brunette at the counter did right now when her son laughed at his playful grimaces.

But if not, then he has another thing planned that will hopefully bring out those beautiful dimples.

"…enough? It's all a matter of being persistent."

Apparently Nathan is talking and he shakes his head to get back on track.

"Sorry," he says and takes another gulp of the coffee, "What were you saying, little brother?"

"I said you need to have more sex. Screw her as much as you can. I bet that she'd gladly go for a lunch-quickie in the office. You just go in there, bend her over the desk and–"

Coffee sprays over his jeans and he coughs.

"What the fuck, Nate!" he hisses into the phone and scowls as if his brother is actually watching. "Don't even picture that, okay? Get that image out of your head!"

Nathan laughs, "You're such a prude, Luke…" and he cringes when he realizes that half the customers in the café are looking at him and his spilled coffee.

"Listen, man," he mumbles a little less loud. "We…ehum… do that stuff enough to… uh… populate a small country. But in case you wonder, I'd rather she didn't get pregnant until we got the verdict from that new doctor."

"Always the worrier," Nathan chuckles and he wipes the coffee from his hands with a napkin.

"Yeah, sorry for wanting my girlfriend alive and healthy. Now, how about it? Are you bringing Haley and Jamie up here or not? You could bring them while you're up here playing the Nets next week."

Nathan calls something to Jamie in the background, something that sounds like '_Hey Champ? You wanna go see Brooke and Lucas?_' and the happy squeal is enough of an answer.

"I guess we're coming next Wednesday then," Nathan laughs, "So what did you want to talk to me about?"

"We'll take that when I see you." He stuffs the last piece of bagel into his mouth. "Have a great day, bro."

"No wait! Luke, wha–"

But he cuts Nathan off mid-sentence and waves to the baby one last time before heading back out into the Manhattan traffic.

He has his own Christmas shopping to do.

_Four, five, six  
The two of us a perfect fit  
You're all mine, all mine  
_  
**-b-**

"So how are things with Lucas?" the therapist asks and leans back in her chair.

"Hard."

Honesty is hard as well, she thinks and plays with the zipper on her purse, but sometimes it's also very freeing. The past weekend in LA had been literally painful. Not to have him there at night and not getting to share small every day things.

"…but yet surprisingly good," she adds and breathes.

Strangely enough, laughing with him was one of the things she had missed the most when she was away from him and it had reminded her of how little they had actually laughed together lately. A fact that _needs_ to change.

But being away from him had also proven to her that being apart wouldn't kill her, and that he'd still be there when she came back. And most importantly it had showed her that she has to try harder when they're together. Try harder to show him how happy he makes her, something that had clearly been shadowed by her sadness of late.

"We've talked a lot more since he found out about my inability to bare children," she mumbles without looking up at the woman across the table. "And last week when I was away on business, we talked on the phone several times a day."

The therapist nods and she sighs and adds, "In a way I think the time apart was good."

Dr. Newman, or Charlotte, smiles sincerely. "Why do you think so, Brooke?"

"Because in some ways it made talking easier…" She swallows and breathes. "The subjects we've dealt with lately are not that easy to just chat about over dinner."

"I understand that."

The clock ticks in the background and Charlotte scribbles something in her notebook.

"You said 'inability to have children'. Did you and Lucas get the test-results back from the specialist?"

"No," biting her lip, she looks out the window at the wintry Manhattan streets. "The appointment is next week."

"Well, Brooke, I have to tell you how proud I am that you've worked so hard with this. You've come a long way the last month." The pencil rests in Charlotte's hand. "How do you feel now that you've had some perspective?"

Feel?

_Feeling_ is hard. Breathing, eating and sleeping is getting easier, but feeling is still extremely painful.

"Uhm… I guess–"

It's still so hard to put into words. Even now, a month after Lucas found out about her 'news', she finds it almost too hard to think about and the only time she feels close to comfortable talking about these things is late at night when its dark and her head rests on Lucas' chest. When she can feel safe in his arms and be comforted by his voice, but when he can't see her face.

"… I guess it'll never really get easier," she mumbles, "but Lucas proves to me every day that he loves me and at some point I might even stop feeling guilty for not giving him kids."

Charlotte nods.

"And did you practice releasing those guilty feelings like I asked you to? _With_ Lucas?"

She squirms in her seat.

"Well…"

Not really. Because he isn't the one that makes her feel guilty. Not once has he made her feel like this is her fault. She does that well enough on her own and she knows that it makes him feel sad.

"You know what I think, Brooke?" Charlotte says and places the notebook down on the table. "I think we should look into assignments that you and Lucas can do together."

"Like what?"

The therapist smiles reassuringly and she already feels nervous. "It's nothing complicated. I've put together a worksheet with true or false questions that I want you two to answer together."

Getting up from her chair, Charlotte walks over to the desk and picks up some papers. "I was going to bring it up on our next joint session but I'll let you take it now and we can talk about both your answers on Wednesday when I see both you and Lucas."

She takes the paper when its handed to her but she has to ask.

"Are you really sure that I'm ready for stuff like this?"

And Charlotte smiles.

"Brooke. After four months you should know that I wouldn't give you things you can't handle."

_And all I can say  
Is you blow me away_

**-****r-**

When the door to her office cracks open, she doesn't even look up from her laptop screen. She so sure that it's Brooke peeking in to tell her she's back from the therapist's office that she even mutters, "Welcome back, Slut-face."

But there's no familiar 'Thanks, whore' and the sound of someone clearing their throat is way too deep to be a girl.

"Luke?" she says and this time she looks up. "What are you doing here? Brooke is with the shrink 'til 2pm, remember?"

"Yeah I know. You wanna go grab some lunch?" He smiles lopsidedly. "I could use your female opinion on something…"

The stacks of paperwork around her are about to drown her desk and she wasn't planning on even having lunch today but Lucas is making her curious. He looks excited and a little worried at the same time, almost as if he's a little nervous. His hair is tousled and his hands are stuffed deep in the pocket of his big NYU hoodie.

He looks like _high school_ Lucas.

"Anyplace special in mind?" she asks with a raised eyebrow and this time he shrugs.

"Anywhere is fine with me… as long as it's not that far from Fifth Avenue, 57th Street."

She closes the current document on her screen and thinks. "Le Cirque? Millie could get us a table."

Lucas scrunches his face and shakes his head. "Too posh. Just getting the food will take an hour."

"Well there's always the McDonalds by the Central Park entrance…"'

"Ha, ha… real funny." He looks at his wrist watch and frowns. "Let's go over to JoJo's, they have great chicken and it's not that crowded"

He's already walking back out of her office and she finds herself a little confused. _Why_ was she going to lunch with Lucas again? Because he needed advice on something? Couldn't he ask her at home? They lived together after all.

"Hey wait up, Speedy Gonzales," she mutters after him and grabs her jacket off of the hanger behind the door. She hits stand-by on the computer and glances at the stacks of work one last time. Then she pockets her cell phone and just as she's leaving the room, it hits her.

She gasps.

Suddenly she knows _exactly_ what resides on Fifth Avenue, 57th Street.

_Like an apple on a tree  
Hiding out behind the leaves  
I was difficult to reach  
But you picked me_

**-****b-**

They're sitting in the living room, nourishing cups of coffee after just having had dinner. Lucas had cooked – a Ricotta Ravioli that tasted better than the one from their favorite three Star Italian restaurant – and she had for once been home early enough to keep him company in the kitchen.

Sitting on the kitchen counter, sipping the glass of mineral water that had replaced the 'cooking wine', she had felt utterly content with just watching him moving around pots and pans. Lucas Scott looked hot while cooking, no denying there.

So hot that dinner was almost postponed indefinitely by her need to kiss him, but at the last minute he demanded that she'd eat the food he had slaved over. She didn't even complain – his mood was so good that she couldn't.

And afterwards they were both too full to really make out. It didn't bother her too much. It had been a long day and the therapy session had been hard. She was totally okay with curling up next to him on the couch and watch a movie. Just let his smiles be contagious.

At least until he accidentally found the worksheets.

So instead of the cozy movie-night, she's now facing an evening of therapy assignments.

Nights like this one, is when she misses the occasional glass of wine the most.

"Charlotte said we could do them when ever," she mumbles, "It doesn't have to be tonight."

Tonight doesn't have to be ruined.

His hand travels down her thigh and caresses her knee, "No but we might as well get a head start, don't you think?" He looks down at worksheets placed on the table and she wonders if he's as nervous about this as she is. She figures that he isn't though. Because _he_ hadn't scanned through the questions already like she had. He doesn't know that half the questions on there are directed towards him.

"So how do we do this?" he asks with his beautiful blue eyes trained on her. "Are there any rules?"

"A couple…"

She spins the warm mug between her hands and bites her lip. She can still get out of this if she bails now. She can lure his mind away from the papers with just straddling his lap and occupying his lips with other things. It would be easy.

And she really wants him to stay happy tonight.

But in the end, she hesitates too long and her blonde boyfriend reaches out and grabs one of the worksheets.

"Oh," he says with a curious face. "We each get our own."

"Yeah…"

Her response is less than exited and his hand travels back up her thigh. His intimate caress seems to want to tell her that they can do more fun things once they're done with this and finally she sighs out loud and reaches for the other paper. Rachel is spending the evening hanging out with Owen and maybe Lucas' good mood is a positive aspect.

"Fine," she mutters and pouts, "I'll start. And you're supposed to ask me the question on the back of your page."

He nods and after clearing her throat, she reads the first statement on her paper.

"I'm not enough."

The words leave her lips hoarsely and he pauses to look her before he counters with asking the required "True or false?"

She frowns and sighs again. This was going to be hell.

"True."

He clenches his jaw and seems to fight the urge to disagree, probably because he knows that doing so would ruin the whole point of the exercise. So instead he swallows his comments for later and forces himself to continue.

"Okay, uh," Lucas hesitates a moment to read from the instructions on his paper, "Is it a proven fact that this is true?" he finally manages to go on.

"Yes," she nods and looks away from his penetrating gaze, "it's a proven fact. I wouldn't get through one day at the office without Rachel or Philip. I wouldn't make it through a single night without you." She tries to keep it simple and she stays away from the worst landmines like her scarred uterus. "I can't cook and my mom said that I–"

Lucas cuts her off right there with a stern, "If anyone is 'not enough', then it's your mom, Brooke."

"Luke…"

He shakes his head, "No Brooke, screw the rules."

She sighs but he leans in and kisses her forehead. "Let me tell you what I see as a proven fact," he mumbles. "You started a fashion line by yourself at the age of eighteen and less than 5 years later, it's an empire. You're an awesome friend and an even more amazing girlfriend and as a matter of fact, your cheese and mushroom omelet is the best I've had so far."

She chuckles at the last part, especially when she realizes how serious he looks.

"You can't live on omelets, Luke."

"Then we'll live on take-out." His response is simple and snuggling her closer to his chest, he adds, "And you did make it through the night without me. Three nights if I'm not mistaken." He smiles and nudges her with semi playfulness. "Now, tell me again why you're not good enough baby. And please give me a valid reason this time."

Pain shoots through her and she draws a deep breath.

"Do you really want me to say it out loud?" she mumbles silently and she can feel him nod.

"Yes, Brooke."

A beat of silence passes.

"I can't give you children," she pushes out, ripping the band-aid off in one go, and she's surprised that her voice stays unbroken. "I'm not enough because I can't be a mother."

His fingers close around her chin and even though she gives some resistance, he pulls her face up until her eyes look into his.

"I'll tell you this a thousand times," he says with a firm, yet soft tone, "I'll say it however many times it takes until you can see it yourself. You are everything to me, Brooke Davis. _Everything_."

"But –"

"No but's." The blue eyes stare into hers and he licks his lips. "How can you not be enough when you're my entire life?"

Her throat tightens and she pulls his hand to her heart and stares into his eyes with trembling lips. He says this with such truth in his voice, determination in his gaze and warmth in his touch. Another tiny part of her broken heart repairs.

She just wishes the process wasn't so painful.

_Like a shell upon a beach  
Just another pretty piece  
I was difficult to see  
But you picked me  
Yeah you picked me_

**-l-**

"Rach, you have a second?"

The redhead looks up from her morning coffee and closes the paper she's been reading.

"Yeah, sure."

"Brooke's in the shower and I just want to check something real quick." He pulls the chair out on the opposite side and slides the list he's made over to Rachel across the table. "Which one do you think she'd like the most?"

"Le Bernadine… Café Boulud… Aquavit…" She frowns, "Wow Luke, why not go _all_ out on the restaurant?" she asks sarcastically. "I thought you wanted it intimate?"

He does. He wants it perfect. But most of these stupid upper eastside gourmet restaurants have waiting-lists. She has a point though and groaning, he pulls the list back and crumbles it into a ball.

"Where the hell should I take her then?" he mumbles and listens to check that the shower is still running. "It has to be right."

Now Rachel chuckles and stands up to put her cup in the dishwasher.

"Chill, Luke Skywalker. She's gonna love it where ever you have dinner. It's Brooke, remember? She's in _love_ with your scrawny ass."

He leans back in his chair and smiles when he sees the redhead check her cell phone on the kitchen counter.

"What?" he teases, "No booty-call from Owen?"

She doesn't turn but her shoulders tense up just the slightest. Pushing this subject before 7am is like dancing around in a minefield but he doesn't care. If Rachel can tease him, then he can definitely tease back.

In the last month, the old relationship between Brooke's best friend and his sponsor has clearly grown stronger. Slowly, of course – Rachel is taking two steps back for every one Owen takes forward – but at least she's not cursing him out every other second. Last week when Owen was over for dinner, he and Brooke had seen the sparks between the two and to him it's just a matter of time.

"Denial is not just a river in Egypt," he smirks and grabs an apple from the fruit-bowl. "You should bring Owen to the movie-thing on Thursday."

Rachel scowls but right then Brooke walks into the kitchen, rubbing her wet hair with a towel. He licks his lips and contemplates if there's time to go back to bed for a bit, but his brunette girlfriend just kisses him and walks over to the coffee pot.

"What about that, Hoe?" she asks her still annoyed friend. "Have you slept with that boy yet or is school taking up all his time?"

"Brooke…" he warns but it's too late. Rachel has already twisted the kitchen-towel and the 'SLAP' when it hits Brooke's backside is painfully loud.

"You bitch!"

He can't help but to laugh and breakfast is definitely over when his girlfriend chases her best friend screaming into the hallway, armed with the half-full milk carton.

Someone else might think that this morning resembles of high school mayhem. Screaming half-dressed girls, low blow jokes with sexual undertones, relationships bursting with insecurities…

But not him.

To him, it's simply a sign that things are moving in the right direction.

**-b-**

"I can't wait to see you guys!" she squeals into the phone two days later when talking to Haley. "You _have_ to stay with us in the apartment. We have a spare bedroom. Nathan stays there when he's here and I'll get Lucas to put in an extra bed for Jamie."

Haley laughs and says, "Okay, if it's not too much trouble for you guys," and she lets out a snort.

Trouble? God, she misses Haley and little James like crazy.

"Don't be ridiculous. We'd love to have you."

It's December 5th and she feels rejuvenated. Its Wednesday, she's slept comfortable for most of the last three nights and in a week she'll get to see her extended family. Plus, it's almost Christmas. How can she not let a little happiness slip past? It is after all her favorite holiday.

Of course there's still stuff that hurts. Badly. And she fears seeing Haley's tiny 'bump', but nothing would make her put off this visit. She needs it, Lucas needs it, and she can't wait to finally have them all under the same roof.

Lucas, Rachel, Nathan and Haley. Jamie and even Owen.

"I have a surprise for you when you get here," she giggles and turns left to walk into the building where Dr Newman has her office. "You'll love it!"

Haley laughs again and tells her that she's sure she will.

When they hang up she can't stop smiling.

_So softly  
Rain against the windows  
And the strong coffee  
Warming up my fingers  
In this fisherman's house_

**-l-**

"Hey princess," he beams and kisses Brooke's cold lips when she walks into the waiting room. "Where are the mittens I bought you? It's freezing outside."

The smile on her face warms his soul even though it's below thirty degrees outside and her lips quickly get warmer while attached to his own.

"I hate mittens," she grumbles and shoves her cold hands in under his sweater. "_You_ can warm me up. I like you better."

The whole scene reminds him of standing in this waiting room just two months ago. Back when most days were made of pretend. And even though their life nowadays is a rollercoaster of grief and happiness, smiles and tears, he likes this better. Because now Brooke is beginning to _feel_.

"You better believe I'll warm you up…" he chuckles and shivers when her freezing hands roam his abs and waist. "How about you don't go back to work after this?" his voice grows low and husky, "how about we just go home and warm up in our bed..."

She purses her lips in thought and he attacks her neck with kisses that make the woman sitting a couple of feet away blush. And then the receptionist calls them.

"Mr. Scott? Miss Davis? Dr Newman will see you now."

Just like two months ago, he hates when their time gets interrupted.

"Later…" he mutters against Brooke's skin and now she is the one that shivers.

"Okay," she mumbles back, "Just let me call Philip and reschedule my afternoon meetings. Screw the movie premiere..."

_You got me  
Searched the sand  
And climbed the tree  
And brought me back down_

**-b-**

Time flies.

And not in that zombie-like way where days melt into more days and she doesn't know what day it is. It flies in a way that makes her want to… _smile_.

Somehow that thought hurts. Because she shouldn't want to smile when doing mundane things like sorting the designs for another catwalk show. Just this morning she had cried her heart out in the office bathroom because a girl in marketing brought her newborn baby. And now she's smiling.

All just because of a silly text-message.

_Im the store. __What do U want 4 dinner?_

It's so normal, so typical of her boy to think about what to make for dinner at 1.15 in the afternoon. And it's so weird how a text as simple as that can make her heart throb for other reasons that pure pain.

"Rach, how many models do we have for the evening dresses?" she asks out loud and moves a skirt to a second clothing rack. "Did we get Petra Nemcova?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"And Alessandra Ambrosia? Miranda Kerr?"

Another mumbled confirmation but it's clear that her otherwise so focused business-partner isn't really listening. The redhead seems far off in thought and she stops rearranging the clothes and looks at Rachel over the rack.

"What's up with you, Elmo?" she questions, "You're on whole different planet."

"Am not."

"Are _too_!"

If someone would hear them, they'd probably frown. The CEO and the vice-president of a small fashion empire, bickering back and forth like kids in a sandbox.

"You and Lucas both, actually," she states and looks around for Millie. She seriously needs coffee. "You're being all quiet and moody and he's like a mystery man on speed."

"Ah, _shush_," Rachel grumbles, "Leave the guy alone. He's just making Christmas arrangements." The redhead rolls her eyes, "His girlfriend is like the regular holiday-nazi, didn't you know? Maybe the poor boy just wants to make sure to please you?"

She lets out a loud sigh in response and tries to pout but that weird smile tugs at her lips again and she gives up. Just the thought of Christmas-gifts, ornaments and surprises makes her want to squeal out loud.

"Talking about Christmas…" she says and walks around to corner Rachel. "You know how Nate and Haley are coming up on Wednesday?"

"Yeah?"

"Well, Lucas told Owen to come too. We're all going to Nathan's game. That's fine with you, right?"

There's a quick change in her friend's expression but it soon covered with a masque of calm.

"I don't care," she shrugs, "It's a free country. Me and Owen are cool." Then Rachel yells something to all the people packing up the clothes for the show and stomps off to find something to get pissed off at. She chuckles while watching the redhead walk away. That is until Rachel's cell phone goes off and she hears her friend answer, "Hey Luke, what's up?"

There's a pause and when Millie appears on her left to give her the ordered Macchiato, she shushes her with a finger pressed to her lips and strains her ears to hear the rest. But all she can make out is, "It's not a freaking cab-company dude… Just go down to the park and find one!"

After that Rachel disappears around the corner. She takes a large gulp out of the hot coffee and looks at Millicent.

"What the hell is _wrong_ with my two roommates?" she sighs exasperated and Millie smiles back at her softly.

"I would say that they're in love," the dark-haired girl mumbles and straightens a skirt that hangs close by. "Not in each other of course, but still. Or it could just be that they're feeling the season…"

Millicent winks and she has to laugh.

"Is it that obvious that Rach is crushing on Owen?" she asks her assistant in a low voice and Millie joins in on the laughter.

"Clear as day, Brooke. What? You don't agree?"

She nods, _of course_ she agrees. She had seen that the first day that Rachel laid eyes on Owen in Tree Hill. Apparently the only one that doesn't see it is Owen.

_And all I can say  
Is you blow me away_

**-r-**

"I'm seriously going to have to turn off my phone if you don't stop calling me," she grumbles when Lucas calls her the fifth time during the same afternoon. "I have stuff to do you know?"

"I'm sorry. I just have a quick question."

Yeah right.

She drums her fingernails on the desk while watching Brooke through the glass doors to the design-room. It makes her happy that the real energy seems to be coming back to her friend. Not just the caffeine-fueled drive to stay awake.

"Shoot. You have thirty seconds before I have to take a conference call."

A car honks in the background and she figures that he's outside in traffic.

"Okay, okay," he rambles quickly, "I just need to know if you're really sure about the 'waiting until after Christmas'-part? I need you to tell me what you _really_ think. Are you sure that she won't misunderstand?"

Sighing, she writes '_Postpone Bergdorf's conference call 15 min'_ on a post-it and knocks on the glass wall. When Brooke and Philip look up at the sound, she holds the yellow square up against the glass so they can read it and points at the phone.

She's going to have to reassure Brooke's brooding boyfriend more thoroughly.

"Listen Luke," she mutters and leans towards the desk. "There's no rush. _You_ were the one that said that when we had lunch, remember? You have all the time in the world to prepare this."

"Yeah, but I'm worried about the test-results, Rach. If the doctor gives us good news, then she might feel like I wouldn't have wanted this if she couldn't give me kids."

Shit, the guy has a point.

She purses her lips in thought and tries to think of a way to take down his anxiety level a notch. Nervous Lucas is annoying as hell. She's sure that _stressed out_, nervous Lucas is even worse.

"Well, if you get _bad_ news, then Brooke's going to think that you're asking her out of pity. And let's face it. Bad news is more likely at this point."

"I know," Lucas sighs and it sounds like a bus passes right next to him.

"Where the hell are you anyway?" she asks and starts gathering her papers for the telephone conference. "You sound like you're standing in the middle of the road."

"I'm heading down to the police-station on 53rd, I'm gonna ask them if it's possible to close our street for one night."

She chuckles tiredly and rolls her eyes. Stupid, overly romantic, Lucas Scott.

"Remember what I've said, Luke," she says and waves to Brooke that she'll be done in a second. "Less is more. It's all about the moment."

"Yeah, okay." He's obviously not listening and she laughs again. "Thanks Rachel," he yells over the sound of some construction work. "See you guys at home later."

"Sure," she says and hangs up.

In a way it's kind of cute how worked up he is over all this. But she would never admit that to his face.

_Like an apple on a tree  
Hiding out behind the leaves  
I was difficult to reach  
But you picked me_

**-l-**

He would never tell Brooke this – _ever_ – but when Nathan and Haley arrive on Wednesday morning, he can't help but to feel the pang of jealousy in his chest.

He smiles wide when Nathan unbuckles Jamie out of the car-seat and he hugs Haley tight and pats her little bump like a best friend should, all the while swallowing the sinking feeling inside. Nathan and Haley have a family, a growing family, and even though he wouldn't switch his life with Brooke for anything in the world, it still stings.

Even more so because he knows that Brooke would look so beautiful pregnant. Her body becoming all round and her face glowing, just like Haley's. And she would be such a wonderful mother. For the millionth time in the last five weeks, he thinks that it's _not fair_.

"How was the flight?" he asks and grabs his brother's hand in a firm handshake.

Nathan shrugs. "Short and uneventful. Where're Brooke and Raye?"

"Still at the office. I'm gonna go meet Brooke for the doctor's appointment soon but I wanted to get you guys settled first. The game is at 7pm, right?"

He can't help but feel worried. If it affects _him_ this much to see Haley's slightly rounded belly, then Brooke's fragile new happiness is going to come crumbling down. Especially if the doctor brings them bad news. Why the hell had they scheduled that appointment today? What had he been thinking?

"You're seeing Dr. Bernstein _today_?"

Haley's expression matches his own, apparently seeing the danger in this as well. "In what way is that smart?" she hisses over Jamie's unaware head. "What if the result is bad? She won't be in any shape to either go to a basketball game or even be around me and Jamie…"

He bites his lip and tries to find a way to reassure Haley because now his childhood friend looks really sad. She's probably looked forward to hanging out with Brooke just as much as Brooke has been looking forward to seeing Haley.

But Nathan swoops up Jamie on one arm and grabs one of the suitcases, motioning for him to grab the other one. "Give the girl some credit, you guys," he mutters. "She's prepared for the fact that this appointment can go to hell. She'll manage." Then his brother walks towards the entrance of their building. "Come on. I say we have about 5 minutes before paparazzi appear and I'm starving."

He hangs his head but picks up the second suitcase and follows Nathan. Haley's hand rests reassuringly on the small of his back and for a second he closes his eyes.

_She'll manage._

He really hopes that Nathan is right.

**-b-**

Dr. Bernstein's office looks nothing like a hospital. It's classy and filled with beautiful furniture and art and it helps to keep her mind off of why they're here. It also makes it very apparent that this is a private practice and that they're paying a whole lot of money for these tests and examinations.

If there's any chance that he can help her, it'll be worth every dollar.

Lucas sits silently next to her and he holds her hand between his palms like an Oreo cookie. It calms her nerves to have him there and she looks at him and smiles.

He smiles back and they wait.

"Just one more second," the man in the white doctor's coat mumbles and flips through the papers in front of him, "I just want to make sure that I have all the facts."

Her heart makes a somersault in her chest and Lucas' grip tightens.

"Its fine, Dr. Bernstein," Lucas answers politely and she's glad because honestly she's way too nervous to utter a single word. She had promised herself not to get her hopes up but sitting here across the table from the OB-Gyn specialist, she knows she's failed – because _hope_ is exactly what's making her chest too tight and her stomach all fluttery.

_Hope_ is what's going to make her cry if this doctor doesn't start talking soon.

_Hope_ is –

"So, Miss Davis," the man starts and looks up to face them but she interrupts him.

"Please," she responds softly, "call me Brooke."

She's surprised that she sounds so calm.

"Okay, Brooke." He smiles and closes her medical-file on the desk. "I've gone over all your tests and I've revised the medical history that I got from your resident doctor."

He looks unfazed, not excited but not sad either, and she can't read him.

"And I do agree with your former physician," he says slowly, "there are several reasons to why you _shouldn't_ get pregnant… The two biggest I would say are the strain on your uterus, which isn't in such good shape…"

Her heart plummets all the way to the bottom of her chest-cavity and she tries to remove her hand from Lucas' warm hand-sandwich but his grips stays firm.

"…and the effect it would have on you psychologically, would the outcome not be good." He puts his pen down on top of the file and looks straight into her eyes. "I spoke to Dr. Hanson and he seems to think that it would be a devastating blow for you if you would have another miscarriage."

Lucas' thumb runs soothing circles on the back of her hand and she stares down at the table's surface. She's already trying to deal with the negative verdict and she's almost not listening when the man adds;

"But that said – I also have to say that I think you _could_ manage to go through a full pregnancy if you would conceive."

Breathe, she thinks. Breathe, in and out. In and out.

_Hope_ flutters.

"What does that mean?" Lucas mumbles next to her. "_If_ she would conceive? _Can_ she get pregnant?"

"Yes."

Hope, against better judgment, flutters more strongly.

"I–I can…" she stutters silently and sucks in a deep breath, "I can get pregnant?"

Dr. Bernstein nods.

"Your usual physician, Dr. Hanson, told you that conception was neither probable nor advised, right? Well, I agree on the second one. I wouldn't advise you to get pregnant Brooke, but when he said that your left fallopian tube was severely scarred, he might have exaggerated. I don't see that as the biggest problem."

Through the blur of tears she sees the doctor's face. She's still not sure how to read his facial expression.

"And she still has the right tube?" Lucas questions, "I mean that one is still okay, right?"

"That is correct," he gives a curt nod.

One tear trickles down her cheek.

"And if she does get pregnant?" Lucas almost whispers and her hand stuck between Lucas' hands start to shake. Yet somehow she manages to hear what the man answers.

"If Brooke gets pregnant, which still won't be easy because of the scarring on the uterus," he eyes the couple across from his desk considerably, "then yes," he nods, "there is a chance for her to follow that pregnancy through and have a healthy baby but there's also a big risk that..."

She doesn't hear anything else.

Hope _explodes_.

_Like a shell upon a beach  
Just another pretty piece  
I was difficult to see  
But you picked me  
Yeah you picked me_

**-h-**

Its 12 minutes into the game and Nathan has already scored ten points. Jamie is jumping up and down like the regular energizer bunny, yelling to his father to jump higher and run faster. But she can't focus enough to watch her husband play.

Rachel is being skittish next to her, and Owen keeps glancing at her with worried eyes. And she feels it too. The bad feeling.

Its 13 minutes into the game and Brooke and Lucas are late. They were all supposed to meet up at the apartment but her friends never showed up. They've saved them seats here on first row behind the Charlotte Hornets team-bench and the way the two chairs gape empty makes it even more unnerving.

It just doesn't _feel_ right.

Unnoticeably, she rests her hand on the tiny bump on her belly and sighs.

"Did you check your phone?" she asks Rachel and reaches out to catch Jamie before he runs out on the court. "She didn't text you?"

"Chill," Rachel snorts back and stares at the basketball game in front of them. "When you see _me_ freak out? _Then_ you can freak out," she replies with what seems to be sheer annoyance, "and until that happens, why don't you check your own damn phone instead of bugging me?"

Jamie, who at this time had been bouncing in his seat happily watching his father dribble across the court, stops mid-movement and glares at Rachel. "You said a _bad_ word, Rachel," he states loudly.

The redhead stares down at him for a full three seconds before letting out a string of profanities, "Shit. Damn. Fuck. Whore. Bitch." She leans over her seat to become almost eye-level with the little ankle biter, "Learn these words kid, it's the 21st century. You're going to be hearing them a lot."

"Rachel!" she gasps in absolute horror.

"What?" Rachel shrugs innocently, "It's a learning experience. You should see that, shouldn't you, _Tutor_-mom?"

Jamie grins from ear to ear at the new additions to his vocabulary and she glares at Brooke's redheaded friend.

The day's just steadily growing worse and she's just about to retrieve her phone out of her purse and call Lucas when Brooke's voice cuts through the game-cheers.

"Hey you guys! You're here!"

Haley quickly turns towards the sound and Jamie breaks free from her hold.

"Auntie Brooke!"

Haley's jaw almost hits the court floor when she sees the brunette crouch down and catch her 4 year old son. Because even though Brooke is wearing sunglasses indoors, the smile on her face is too wide to ever be faked.

"Hey munchkin," Brooke laughs and swoops Jamie up in her arms. "Aww, and Haley!"

The brunette happily leans in and squeezes her with her free arm before turning back to her godson. "How's my favorite man in the whole wide world, huh? You've gotten so big!"

"I'm gonna be as tall as daddy," Jamie proudly replies and turns Brooke's face forcefully with his little palm so that her eyes turn towards the court. "Look! Daddy is over there."

They look so cute that Haley has to smile and she looks up at Lucas who comes up right behind Brooke. He watches his beaming girlfriend carefully and although he smiles wide at the sight of Brooke and Jamie—even when it's clear that he's not as stressed out as he was this morning—the worry on his face is still evident.

Brooke laughs with Jamie, seemingly unaware of all the photographers around but Haley's pretty sure that it's a practiced act. Cameras flash everywhere because no one can resist the chance of taking tomorrow's celebrity magazine front-page picture. Fashion-icon Brooke Davis with NBA-star Nathan Scott's kid on her hip? It's good stuff.

"How did it go?" she asks, urgently wanting to know why Lucas sports that worried crease on his forehead. But the frown smoothes out a little as he leans in and presses his lips to the nape of Brooke's neck.

More camera-flashes go off and Jamie squeals happily in Brooke's arms.

"The verdict is in, ladies and gentleman," he says and sits down between herself and Rachel. "And it's better than we thought."

Rachel reaches out and pulls Brooke backwards by the back-pocket of her jeans.

"Hey B," the redhead mumbles in the soft tone that seems to always be reserved for Brooke in her most vulnerable moments. "Come on, tell me what Bernstein said…"

Brooke puts Jamie down and the boy instantly climbs up into Lucas' lap instead. Then Brooke takes her sunglasses off and her eyes are puffy, red-rimmed and still filled with tears. With all the cameras around, Haley's not sure that's such a great idea.

"He said we can have a baby!" Brooke squeals and seconds later, Rachel and Brooke are wrapped in such a tight hug that it's impossible to tell them apart.

"Put those sunglasses back on," she hears Rachel mumble to Brooke over the cheers from the basketball audience. "This is gonna end up on _Page Sixx_ and you look like shit."

Brooke's laugh is loud and Haley listens while Lucas tries to explain to Jamie why his godmother is crying and laughing at the same time. And again she wonders why Lucas wore that frown when entering. Why he still doesn't look as happy as Brooke.

Either there's something that they're not sharing. Or he's just worried that Brooke's hope is too high.

Something tells her that it's a little of both.

_One, two, three  
Counting out the signs we see  
The tall buildings  
Fading in the distance  
Only dots on a map_

**-****l-**

"Come to bed, baby," Brooke's raspy voice mutters in his ear as her arms wrap around his waist from behind. "Nathan and Owen can stay up if they want but you're needed in bed."

"Is that so?" he chuckles and reaches back to slide his fingers into her hair. "I thought you were busy having girl-talk in the living room?"

Her warm palms trace his abs in under his sweater and he shivers lustfully when her hot breath hits the side of his neck.

"They can talk without me," she breathes, "I miss you…"

Smiling, he leans into her touch. It's been a fun night. Full of smiles and laughter but now he actually longs to just curl up with her in bed.

Charlotte Hornets won with a landslide and the dinner at Le Rouge afterwards was exquisite. Jamie was out cold in Nathan's lap before they even finished desert and for the last two hours they had all just hung out at the apartment, catching up.

A while ago, Brooke, Rachel and Haley had retreated into the other room and the laughter seeping from there had been comforting, especially since he had chosen this time to let out a tiny fragment of his lingering worries to his brother and his sponsor. And he feels better now that he's been allowed to vent.

Both the other guys have reassured him that he worries too much. That the doctor would be stricter if pregnancy posed a real threat to Brooke's health, and he knows that they're probably right. He just doesn't feel comfortable with how Brooke had stopped listening the moment Dr. Bernstein verbalized that she had the ability to get pregnant and maybe carry a baby to term. All the other stuff had been blocked out by his stubborn girlfriend.

_If you get pregnant, it would__ mean a tough pregnancy for you, Brooke. Pain and possible bleeding… Weeks, maybe months on bed-rest in a hospital bed. _

Anything that puts Brooke in the hospital scares the shit out of him.

He mumbles, "I love you," and turns his head to catch her lips, suddenly worried again. She tastes sweet and for every second her tongue slides against his, the words of the doctor grow fainter.

Without thinking he pulls her down into his lap and she molds her body after his. It's not until one of his hands unconsciously has traveled down to cup her breast and his thumb rubs over her hardening nipple that Owen finally coughs.

Brooke blushes and pulls back and he groans when he realizes that his jeans are suddenly three sizes too small in the crutch.

"Nice show," Nathan chuckles and leans back on his chair. "Maybe you two should just call it a night."

"Shut up," Brooke grumbles and pulls at him to follow her before she glares at Nathan. "Go harass your wife or something."

Nathan answers something and Owen laughs but by then he's already pushing Brooke out of the room. His arm is still around her waist and walking across the hallway to their bedroom, he bends his neck so that he can suck her earlobe in between his lips. A moan slips from her and as soon as they make it into the room, he kicks the door closed behind him and grabs the hem of her Charlotte Hornets sweater.

Her tank top disappears at the same time and he groans at the sight of her in just a deep purple bra. Unhooking it, he takes a step back to look at her naked upper body.

"I need you…" she breathes with that raspy voice and starts to shimmy out of her jeans. He blinks and within seconds he has ripped his t-shirt over his head and pulled her down with him onto the bed.

He needs her all the time.

For some reason it's all a little frantic. A minute ago he was seated in the kitchen with the guys and now he's in lip-lock with Brooke, already pulling her underwear down her smooth thighs.

Maybe it's all the tension from earlier, maybe it's the worry that he still feels about warnings now received from two doctors. Maybe it's just the simple fact that he's been horny since this morning when they got interrupted by the alarm clock?

All he knows is that when she keeps letting out those raspy whispers of 'need' and 'want', he just has to comply. His body reacts almost on auto-pilot.

Its quick, almost rough and very passionate, and when he releases inside her she calls out his name so loud that he bets even Jamie wakes up by the sound.

"I love you, I love…you, I love you…" she mumbles against his sweaty chest and he buries his face in her hair and smiles.

"Not as much as I love you," he mumbles back and he really hopes that she'll remember that when her period comes in a couple of days and she locks herself in the bathroom and cries.

He really hopes she'll remember it then.

_Four, five, six  
The two of us__ a perfect fit  
You're all mine  
All mine_

---x---

**Thank you's:**

I remember when I thought this story would be a 3-parter, LOL. Well, shit happens, right? There are still a great length to travel and I'm so grateful for all of you who's still reading and reviewing. Even though it might seem like I've forgotten my other stories since starting Comfortable Liar with Elena, that's not the case. I'm just slower. LOL.

But to all of you: Elena, Stefy, Corey, dolcegrazia, martine, TeamSophia, Jules, Cami, CheeryDavisScott03, Princesakarlita411, Long Live BRUCAS, Allie, PeterClaire, tanya2byour21, princtongirl, Andie123, Cheyenne, Carabell, Jem, TeamxxBrulianxx, Yana, Lizzy, BloveBL, Sara, Brucas3Naley23, Chelsea, Ashton, LiZ457 and xMrsMurray… I can't tell you how much your time and effort means. Thank you ALL.

And to those of you (Andie, Chelsea, Lizzy, Stefy, Elena, Allie, Jules and Corey) who took the time to write me reviews the length of novels; God, you girls are freakin' AMAZING and you spoil me rotten :D

**FAQ:**

**Q**: Is the depressing part over for BL now?

**A**: This story has been an emotional rollercoaster from the start and there will always be angst and drama. But there will be happiness too. Hopefully that is enough.

-x-

**Q**: Will Rachel and Owen get back together and will we ever find out what happened between them?

**A**: I won't spoil you on the outcome of their relationship but I can tell you that you will find out both sides of the story between them.

-x-

**Q**: Will Lucas ever start writing again?

**A**: That storyline will unfold soon. Until then I'm keeping it a secret. :D


	24. The Lights And The Buzz

**Author's note: **Better late than never I guess.  
My everlasting love goes out to **Elena** for this. And to **Corey**, **Cami,** **Kat **and **Ash** for loving this story and for all your support. For all you others, I want to hug you all so tight for all the wonderful reviews. Title is from a Jack's Mannequin song.

* * *

-x-

**CHAPTER 24 – The Lights and the Buzz**

_I'm coming home to the lights and buzz  
Streets look the same, still nothing's as it was  
This place is paradise I'm sure, there's no reservation_

_It's good to be alive_

**-l-**

He finds the morning paper in the trash.

Usually it's on the kitchen table, next to Rachel's empty coffee mug, or still rolled up and tied with a rubber band, thrown on the floor outside their front door. But this morning it's crumbled and squeezed into the trash bin.

And after de-wrinkling it, it takes him about five minutes to figure out why it had taken such an unfair beating.

_Clothes Over Bro's CEO ducks another crucial night in the spotlight_

The headline is on the front page of the Entertainment section and a quick read-through makes him frown. Apparently there was an important fashion event the night before that Brooke should have attended. And since the same Brooke Davis had been enjoying a movie-marathon with him on the couch, he knows that she didn't.

What he can't figure out is why.

Obviously she hadn't told _him_ about the event. If she had then they could have gone there together because they hadn't had any other plans for the evening. Suddenly Rachel's dressed up and grumpy departure makes more sense. And so does the redhead's comment; "_I'm sick of covering for you Brooke. This isn't high school._"

Maybe he should have thought about it last night but Brooke's hand had been sliding up and down the inside of his thigh and right then he was just thankful that Rachel was leaving so that he and Brooke would get the apartment alone to do… _other things_.

Now, as he sips his coffee he contemplates the whole thing more closely. Because he suddenly realizes something that hasn't even crossed his mind over the past months. When was the last time they went out? Like to a movie or a dinner at a fancy restaurant?

And why hadn't they –

Wait a minute.

He reads over a portion of the text again and frowns.

…_Brooke Davis has been absent for over half of the important events in the fashion calendar this fall and people are starting to wonder. Is there's another reason to the sudden lock-down she pulled on her private life this summer, other then the extensive pressure by the media on her personal life that she has endured lately? What can it be that has gotten the former model and party princess to totally step out of the spotlight? According to second in command over at CoB, Rachel Gatina, "the withdrawal is simply Brooke focusing on her spring line". But Brooke Davis is experienced enough to know that this almost complete disappearance from the social scene causes her to lose fan-points with the crowds… _

Huh? Extensive pressure from the media? She hasn't said anything to him about that.

Although now when mentioned, he distinctly remembers following her pastime in the tabloids during all that time when they were separated and he was still living in denial back in Tree Hill. Back then she had been in practically all the gossip magazines; attending parties, getting praised for her style or caught on paparazzi pictures while shopping or having dinner.

Brooke had been even more closely monitored by the media than his brother – the NBA star.

During the months since he moved up to New York, Brooke hadn't attended anything apart from her own fashion shows and although there had been the occasional photo taken there, he hadn't thought much about it. Usually he had been sitting in the pit next to the catwalk, caught up with being proud of his talented girl.

And maybe he should have realized all this sooner – she has after all spent almost every night at home with him – but he hadn't felt the need to check the tabloids for news. Or more importantly; for gossip. He had been too caught up trying to 'fix' her.

In fact, when he thinks about it, he's pretty sure that he hasn't opened one of those magazines since he moved in to this very apartment.

For the first time in weeks he walks over to his closed laptop that sits on the coffee-table in the living room and turns it on. Goes online and opens the Google website. Then he writes 'Brooke Davis' and clicks the return-key.

Hundreds of hits appear on the screen.

_Fashion designer seen having lunch with Nathan Scott's brother on Times Square._

_CoB head-designer a no-show on RougeVouge._

_Victorias Secret-darling's love-interest is rumored to be smalltown author Lucas Scott._

_Miley Cyrus steps in for Brooke Davis at last minute on MTV Awards._

Oops…

Okay, so maybe there had actually been press-coverage. He had just not been aware of it.

He scans the top hits for his search and shakes his head. No wonder Philip kept calling Brooke at all possible hours – the guy was her publicist after all. And reading just a small amount of the search-hits it's clear to him that even though his girlfriend spends endless hours at the office, it seems like she's forgotten to tell him that usually –before she ran off to Tree Hill and he moved in with her– her work contained of much more than running a fashion company from behind her desk and having cozy dinners with him at home.

He sips the coffee again and scrolls down until another headline catches his eye. This one as recently posted as a two days ago.

_Fashion icon Brooke Davis comforted by Nathan Scott's brother at tonight's Knicks vs. Bobcat__s game._

He clicks on the link and the short post from US Weekly unfolds, accompanied by a slightly blurred picture of Brooke and himself hugging outside Nathan's game. And then another one of Brooke and Jamie smiling up on the bleechers. He takes a minute to read through speculations on why Brooke had been crying and apparently the reporter's conclusion was that she was nearing a mental breakdown because the company was getting to much for her at her young age. His own name is mentioned in passing – Next to Nathan's – and there is a 'non confirmed' speculation about their relationship.

What the hell?

Sighing, he reaches for his cell phone and calls the number he knows by heart. And the love of his life answers on the first signal, sounding genuinely happy.

"Hey handsome, I was just thinking about you."

"Yeah?" he chuckles, "me too." Then his voice unconsciously settles to a more serious tone, "Baby, don't schedule anything for lunch. I'm coming up to the office."

If he's going to set his plans in motion soon then they really need to talk.

**-b-**

Why is he coming up here?

She tries to concentrate on reading through her inbox overfull with unread emails and she sketches on a tulip-skirt on a pad of papers absentmindedly. When she worries, she multi-tasks. It's just how it works.

It's just not working _today_.

Because Lucas Scott is up to something, she could hear it in his voice. And when she'd asked him what the occasion for this impromptu lunch date might be, he simply stated that he needed to talk to her.

She knows her boyfriend well enough to know that when he says 'talk' in that tone of voice, then something is going on. Maybe this has all to do with why he and Rachel have been so secretive the last couple of weeks?

Dropping the pen down on the sketchpad, she sighs and gets up from the chair.

"Rachel?" she yells out, hoping that her redheaded confidant will hear her all the way to her own room across the hall. "Rach?"

She needs to know if there's something she should worry about. If he's struggling and hasn't told her because he doesn't want worry her, or if it's something harmless and fun.

"What the hell are you yelling about?" Rachel snorts as she sticks her head through the door. "What's with the freaking hissy-fit? I could hear you all the way down to Philip's office."

"Do you know why Lucas wants to 'talk'?" she asks and keeps chewing her bottom lip. "You know, '_talk'_ talk?"

Rachel crosses her arms over her chest and tilts her head to the side. The smirk on her face is both amused and somewhat smug.

"Sometimes I wonder how you get up in the morning," she snickers. "I'm not his mother, _thank god_, and I'm sure as hell not yours. Maybe 'talk' is a code-word for wanting to screw you senseless in the janitor's closet? Wasn't that the code you used back at Tree Hill High?"

"Rachel, I'm serious!" she whines back and looks around for Millicent. Maybe her assistant can be more of a supporting friend and less of a bitch.

Rachel laughs and starts to say something but then Lucas appears down the hall and she gives the redhead a look that shuts her up. She really doesn't want him to know that they're talking about him.

He waves to her and smiles and she breathes out and wonders if she's just being silly. If that tone she thought she heard was just a figment of her imagination. Because nothing in a smile like that can ever be a sign for trouble.

"I'll be right there, baby," he calls from down the hall and then he makes a sudden left and heads into Philip's office. And at the last second she sees the stack of magazines under his arm.

Crap.

_Talking_ is not going to be fun. In fact, she's pretty sure that she's screwed.

**-l-**

"Hey Phil, do you have a moment?"

The short, immaculately dressed man behind the desk looks up from his computer screen and smiles.

"Hi Luke. Come on in. You in for a lunch-date with Brooke?"

"Yeah," his own smile is more held back than usual and he sets down the bunch of magazines that he brought with him on the desk. "But first I wanted to run some stuff by you. Is that okay? It won't take long."

Over the past hour and a half he's gone through most of the mentions of Brooke in the press over the last few months, and it hadn't taken a genius to figure out that he's been kept out of the loop. Brooke has made some public appearances, all of them strictly business related or connected to when she's been out of town without him. But posts about her personal life here in New York have been next to non-existent, especially during the first few months after he moved in with her.

And now he needs to know the reason for this sudden life in hiding. If it's Brooke's own decision or if it's something her publicist has ordered. He also needs to know if all this is because of him.

Philip takes one look at the pile of magazines and the man's smile turns slightly lopsided as he points to a chair.

"Uhm, sure. Have a seat."

He likes Philip. The guy is intelligent and experienced and from what Brooke tells him, he handles the press-coverage of her and the company like a true pro. Plus, Phil is calm, even when around whirlwinds like his girlfriend or when Rachel throws a fit, and that is more than he can say about most people. Because he likes Philip, he takes a calming breath and keeps his voice pleasant.

"I don't know who decided to keep me out of this," he starts and picks up the first magazine in the pile. "But you and I both know that it's ridiculous."

The pages fall open and he spreads it out in the place that he's marked a page. Then he points to a picture of Brooke and himself, coming out of a Starbucks up on 4th, and reads the subtext out loud.

"Brooke Davis shares a quick coffee with Nathan Scott's brother, Lucas, between runway-calls. 'Lucas is a great guy' Brooke informs US Weekly. 'I'm friends with the entire Scott family and they're all very dear to me'."

He raises an eyebrow and drops the magazine back down on the desk. "Great guy, huh?"

Philip lets out an embarrassed chuckle, but instead of letting the man explain, Lucas points to another article, flips it around so that Philip can read for himself. This one decorated with press-kit pictures of Brooke and Nathan and the cut in picture of himself that comes from the inside of his book-cover.

"And how 'bout this one?" he questions with a little more bite. "Read it."

_Brother-swap? From Basketball Star to Bookworm?_

_Over the last two years, there have been several speculations regarding what type of relationship fashion designer_ Brooke Davis _really shares with NBA player _Nathan Scott.

_Brooke been paired with the Charlotte Bobcat__s hunk countless times after sightings of them holding hands or sharing intimate hugs and touching in public, but they have both continuously stated that they're just friends. Then a chaste kiss between the two at a VIP celebrity party threw the media into a frenzy and the whole thing had to be shut down with a joint effort by the B. Davis office and Scott's publicist Jake Hale.  
_

_Still, rumors have remained circling that Brooke's romance with Tony Romo earlier this spring was a cover-up for her affair with Nathan Scott, especially when she spent months in his hometown shortly after…_

Philip looks up and clears his throat uneasily. "Luke, this is old news. We cleared that whole mess with Brooke and Nathan up long ago…"

He nods and shrugs.

"And this?" he points to rest of the article. "Is this 'cleared up' too?"

…_So imagine everyone's surprise when Brooke was sighted, kissing someone that looked a lot like Nathan Scott's older brother – smalltown author _Lucas Scott_. Could it be that it was with _him_ that Brooke spent time in Tree Hill, North Carolina all summer? And in that case, how does N. Scott feel about that?_

_According to an article - posted on a gossip website but later retracted – Brooke Davis and Lucas Scott was even seen in a bar together as far back as in May this year. _

_When asked, the B. Davis office keeps pulling the whole 'respect for privacy' card and so far there hasn't been any picture proof of a romance between the designer and the older Scott-brother. _

_Philip Sage, Chief publicist at Clothes Over Bro's, says; "Stop speculating. Ms. Davis isn't dating anyone at the moment and even _if_ she was seen kissing someone, I'm sure that there are a million blonde men in NY city."_

_Brooke Davis herself, as well as Nathan Scott, have both chosen not to comment and we have not been able to reach rumored lover-boy Lucas Scott._

_We're applauding the girl though. Whichever one of the guys she's getting cozy with, both brothers are sizzling hot! _

Uncomfortable silence fills the room when Brooke's publicist again looks up from the pages and Lucas leans back in the chair.

"She's not dating anyone? Phil, this is dated three weeks ago!"

"She's not denying that she's dating you," Philip sighs and shifts in his seat. "I was the one that said that she was single. _She_ said 'no comment'."

"I know. I wonder why though," he flips open another magazine. "I would have thought that after over five months, you'd be okay with me and her being serious about our relationship. And I was hoping that you'd trust me enough to know that I wouldn't give the girl that I love bad press."

He can hear that he's sounding slightly sarcastic and a tad bit bitter too. It's just that when he realized that Philip had openly denied that Brooke was dating him, to several magazines and websites, it felt like a blow to his ego. He knows that Brooke loves him. He's not even questioning that. But as any guy in love he wants to shout it from the rooftops, and to find out that Philip has denied him that right, behind his back, hurts.

Philip's mouth opens and closes.

"Lucas, listen. It was never like that, okay?"

"Really? Then how _was_ it?" he pushes, "I'd really like to know. Better publicity if she's single? Or is she's still too vulnerable? Then how come you're okaying photographs and interviews when she's –"

"Baby, _stop_," Brooke's raspy voice suddenly sounds right behind him and her warm hands come circling around his neck. "It's not Philip's fault." The words are a little shaky and he looks up at her face to see her trembling bottom lip. Instantly he incases her hands in his squeezes them.

"Hey," he mumbles softly, "Don't be sad, pretty girl, I'm not angry."

"I'm the one who told him to 'hide' you. You really should be having this 'talk' with _me_." Brooke looks nervous and small and he pulls her closer. "I asked for some time to just be _you and me_ and Phil only did what I asked of him." She comes around to stand in front of him and her hands slide up to cup his cheeks. "Maybe it was stupid, but I just –"

"You know that you could have told me instead of pulling this whole Truman Show charade, right?" His voice stays gentle, because he really isn't angry, and grabbing her hips he pulls at her until she gives in and straddles his lap, facing him. "When you told me that you didn't want to go out to restaurants, it wasn't because you were tired of it, right?"

"Yes it was," she nods and she tries so hard to look sincere that he almost smiles in the midst of it all. "It's much nicer to just be home with you."

"And your obligations as head of CoB?" he asks, "All the functions that you've ducked? You're saying that has nothing to do with me?"

"Uh huh." Another nod but that treacherous lip-biting thing gives her away.

"Brooke…"

She runs her tiny hands through his hair and begs him with her eyes not to question her. But he loves her and whatever this is about, he'll get to the bottom of it. Just like he did with the miscarriage, her nightmares and her fears about not being able to give him a child.

"None of those parties were important," she mumbles, "Rachel loves going to them and –"

"Brooke." He interrupts her again and leans his forehead against hers. "How long have you and Rachel been throwing away the entertainment section of the morning paper?"

She blushes. Cheeks aflame with red caused by embarrassment of having been caught. "How long were you planning on keeping this up, huh Pretty girl?"

"For as long as possible. Until you got tired of spending all your time at home," she swallows, "or until we got flat out caught on camera and Phil couldn't buy them off."

"Why?" He looks at her searchingly, "Are you ashamed of being my girlfriend, babe?"

It's unfair to manipulate her but he knows it'll work. It's time to bring in the big guns because he sure as hell isn't going to let her ruin what she built with her company because she worries about him. He has her little sheltering plan all figured out.

"What?!" she gasps and pulls back, eyes suddenly looking wet. "Are you fucking out of your mind! I just –, it's… the media, they're relentless Lucas. They'd eat you up and I just don't want you to have to go through –"

The pad of his thumb finds her bottom lip and he silences her by grazing it gently.

"There it is, right?" he mumbles. "You were sheltering _me_ from the media, weren't you, Brooke?" His heart swells and breaks at the same time. "Even when you were hurting the most after the miscarriage you managed to smile for the cameras. But you've been trying to save me from it?"

Her hands slide down to his cheeks.

"You were vulnerable," she breathes, "and you're not used to it. Not like I am."

"I _was_ vulnerable," he nods back before nudging her the tip of her nose with his, "But I'm fine now. You _know_ that I am."

She moves even closer to him and she smells wonderful, feels wonderful pressed against him, and he loves her so freaking much.

"I know that you're worried, baby," he continues and pins a loose strand of hair behind her ear, "you thinking about the alcohol at the parties and restaurants and about how I'll handle the stress of being in the spotlight. But you know what?"

The beautiful girl on his lap shakes her head of auburn curls.

"I don't have to go to the celebrity shindigs if you don't trust that I can handle the temptation, but I want Phil to stop denying that we're a couple. Whatever publicity it'll bring, good or bad, I want them to know that it's you and me, okay?"

Brooke bites her lip again and leans in closer. And seconds later her lips are firmly attached to his.

Then he hears a sigh from the open door behind him and Rachel's voice comes loud and clear.

"Thank god. It's about _fucking_ time. Phil, you're into rhetoric's, aren't you? Can't you do something about the guy's longwinded speeches?"

-**x**-

_PEOPLE magazine – Nr. 50, Dec 18__th__:_

_LOVE IS IN THE AIR_

_Is been months since successful fashion designer _Brooke Davis_ has been spotted at a public event other than at her own fashion shows. But that's not for lack of trying however, for most A-List celebrities like Madonna, Fergie and even Will Smith have done their best. Rumor has it that Ms. B. Davis had actually turned down a party invite to P. Diddy's famous elite 'White Party' last summer. Needless to say, most had almost given up on getting the iconic fashion diva to show face. _

_But on Saturday December 16__th__, she showed up at a Christmas party hosted at Socialista nightclub in New York. The red carpet was in an uproar upon the first sighting and before anyone could utter a gasped _'Oh my Gucci!' _out popped another shocker. _

_She wasn't alone. _

_Wearing a beautiful deep purple creation from her own label, Davis declared to PEOPLE that she's never been happier. Or more in love. And the cause of this? One very handsome author named _Lucas Scott.

Scott_, who is most known for his book "An unkindness of Ravens" has been rumored to date the former model turned fashion-designer for months, but the couple have kept their romance very hush, hush and haven't given any public confirmation of their relationship. _

_When asked how long they've _really_ been dating, _Scott_ proudly kept his arm wrapped proudly around _Davis_ and gave PEOPLE's reporter the usual "No comment." But if the private whispered exchanges and secret smiles on the young couples' faces hadn't given us all the answer we need, then the deal was surely sealed when Ms Davis clearly announced that they "were at least 6 months in the making". And according to friends of the young designer, the two have been in love for years and have even taken residence together in Davis' New York loft. _

_The mystery of Brooke Davis' disappearance from the spotlight seems to have gotten its explanation._

_And PEOPLE's magazine is of course excited to hear of such happy news. The social scene has been missing a set of beautiful dimples and now things can go back to normal. We're betting that the CoB catwalks this spring will hold a very colorful collection. _

_Oh, amore… _

- Bob Meadows

**-b-**

Snow has settled on the streets of New York and she smiles as she ventures out from her office at seven in the evening to meet Lucas for dinner at Mr. Chow's, midtown.

It's four days until Christmas. Just four days until the arrival of her favorite holiday and life is _grand_. Even without a baby.

Just the notion that it's a possibility makes her feel stronger and happier for every day that passes. And being able to flaunt her love for Lucas to the public is delicious icing on the cake.

Two nights ago she overcame yet another obstacle that had kept her from sleeping soundly at night. Not surprisingly Lucas had saved her, again. His acceptance of her life and her public persona was what had made her take that plunge back into the spotlight, and damn if it hadn't felt good too.

After months of thinking up bad excuses to why she'd be missing out on yet another public appearance, he had put her on the spot and questioned her on what it was that she was trying to escape. Asked her if it was because of him, and the fact that she wasn't ready for people to know about their relationship, that she kept away from the much needed publicity.

Of course, _that_ couldn't be further from the truth.

He should know that _nothing_ makes her prouder than the title of being his girlfriend. And deep down she knows that he does.

A snowflake gets stuck on her eyelashes and she blinks it away.

Beautiful man, she thinks and runs a hand through her hair before walking into the restaurant, smiling widely when she sees him already waiting for her at a table inside.

"Welcome back, Miss Davis," the maitre 'd says and grins just as happily as herself. "It's been a while."

Nodding she glances at Lucas who's busy scanning his menu. "You're right Matthew," she agrees with a wink. "I've been craving the Orange Chicken for weeks. I don't know how I even kept away."

She's been reluctant to go out to restaurants and submit Lucas to the temptation of alcohol but she should have trusted Owen when he said that Lucas could handle it. The other night at the Christmas party at Socialista had been all the proof she needed and now she feels so much calmer. Even if the media managed to dig up his alcohol-problem she feels confident that he'll pull through.

Which makes her smile even wider as she crosses the room over to him and he finally looks up and sees her.

"I've missed you," she mumbles and presses her cold lips against his warm ones. "I'm sorry that I'm late."

"Don't worry 'bout it," he responds and deepens the next kiss although couples at the surrounding tables are staring. Then his hand slides against the skin between her top and her jeans. "Let me warm you up," he smirks.

She loves that he doesn't seem to care that the couple next to them are having wine, or that a guy over at the bar takes a picture with his cell phone and that this public display of affection will probably end up in a tabloid tomorrow.

Six months of hiding is enough.

Or as Rachel had put it the other week; it's not like anything about their relationship is a secret. She's just been sheltering him from the stressful media-eye while he was still vulnerable with his drinking problem. But now he's fine. He's sober. And strong.

Her cell phone buzzes in her coat pocket and sitting down on Lucas' lap, she brings it out to see her best friend's number on the display.

"What's up, skank?" she questions into the receiver while Lucas chats with the waitress. "Miss me already?"

The redhead's response is quick but full of laughter. "Oh, shut up, you attention-craving whore. I'm just checking in to tell you that we're out of toilet paper."

She laughs and ends the call with a loving "Fuck off."

Life is still normal. And surprisingly; it's still so fucking _grand_.

**-x-**

_OK!__ Magazine Online issue. Dec, 21__st_

_PR-STUNT OR TRUE LOVE__ ACTUALLY?_

_Another __celeb sighting last night in Midtown, New York. This time it's _Brooke Davis_, visiting the popular Chinese restaurant Mr. Chow's. A guest at the restaurant sent us this cute picture of the designer kissing her newly confirmed boyfriend – author _Lucas Scott – _and told us that the couple had an intimate dinner with lots of laughter and eye-gazing._

_OK! tried to ge__t in touch with B. Davis herself but was re-directed to her publicist Philip Sage. He informed us that "While Ms. Davis and Mr. Scott aren't going to be hiding their relationship any longer, don't look for them to be flaunting it either. They're still both pretty private people."_

_As late as last week, we would have been quick to agree._ Brooke Davis_, whose every move has been followed by the public eye since she first walked the red carpet as a Victoria's Secret model at age 19, has always been very sparse with the PDA. During the 5 month long relationship she shared with fellow catwalk model Nicholas de Bruin – not one kissy-face picture slipped through her strict PR-people._

_But l__ooking at this cozy picture from Mr. Chow's; Philip Sage's statement might stand corrected. The young couple seems to have no problem sharing heated lip-locks in public. _

_Either B. Davis is truly in love, or she's trying to make up for lost time in the spotlight._

**Let us know in the comments section****:** _Are you relieved or saddened that the former Victoria's Secret angel is off the singles-market?_

_- celebuzz - _

**-n-**

"Hales? Did you pack my Jordan's?"

Nathan's head is deep in a pile of unopened shoe boxes and he's getting frustrated. Why did every shoe-brand on the planet keep sending him sneakers when he'd made clear to the world over and over that he only uses the Jordan True Flight's? And why the hell did the league plan away-games this close to the Christmas holidays?

Who the hell wanted to go to a basketball game on December 22nd?

"They're in the blue suitcase," his wife shouts from downstairs and he sighs in relief. Thank god that Haley is organized because he sure as hell isn't. And thank god that she never blames him for all the time he's away from her and Jamie. After the new baby is born he's going to have to think about how to get more time with them.

"Thanks babe," he shouts back and gets back up on his feet. His cell-phone vibrates in his pocket and he pulls it out while shoving some signed Charlotte Bobcats t-shirts into a bag to hand out to his fans.

"What's up B?" he mutters into the phone after seeing Brooke's name on the display and the raspy chuckle sounds in his ear.

"What's up with _you_?" she asks right back, "You sound like you're in a pissy mood."

"Yeah, I'm about to leave for two days in Cleveland and I feel like shit leaving Haley here pregnant and alone with Jamie."

Brooke stops laughing and he knows that she makes a concerned face even though he can't see her. What ever the reason had been for her call, he knows that she's now putting those things aside to listen to his rant. It's just the way the girl works. So he rants.

"I just hate it, you know? I want to be here more and I love playing but it sucks that I have to go away so much. And I can't uproot Haley and Jamie from work and preschool every time and bring them along." He sighs. "Sometimes I'm really jealous of Lucas for getting to spend all his time with you."

"You know, Nate?" Brooke says gently, "I work a lot too and Lucas is probably bored as hell having to sit around the apartment all day."

"He's still not writing?"

"I don't think so."

The concern for his brother is evident in her voice and he sits down on one of the chairs in the walk-in closet. "Sometimes I feel like he's shunning the laptop in the same way that I was avoiding to let people in," she continues. "Honestly I think it scares him more than he lets on, but he doesn't want to worry me with it."

"Like _you_ didn't want to worry him with the paparazzi-thing?" he probes. "Even though you knew that your media-image would take a hit by staying away this long?"

He clearly senses the hesitation in her long pause but he's just being straight with her. This is not the first time he's tried to bring up this question and he knows that Rachel has been bugging her with it as well.

"Was it a bad decision?" she finally asks, sounding insecure. "I still don't know. I mean, he doesn't understand what it'll be like now that we're 'official'. You know that this is the honeymoon."

And although he completely understands her reluctance, his answer is spontaneous and sure. "He'll be fine, Brooke. You know that it'll mostly be directed towards you."

Honestly, Lucas _will_ surely take a beating. At least in the beginning, before the initial curiosity wears thin. And of course he worries that one, or several, of the trashier magazines will dig up his brother's problem with the booze. The Hollywood-like stardom that Brooke holds in New York is not only fun and games. Just like himself, she gets followed around a lot. Scrutinized for what she does, says and wears and this will of course rub off on Luke. Sometimes–

"I just don't want to submit him to all the false rumors and shit," Brooke sighs, reading his mind. "We've had a rough patch and the media ruins a lot of relationships…" Her voice is smaller when she adds, "It ruins _people_, Nate, you know that. You and I –, I mean, we're used to it. Even after Lucas' book hit the bestseller's list…"

It's on days like this that he hates that they all don't live in the same city anymore. So many things would be easier if they did. Because if they were all closer to each other geographically, then Brooke and Lucas could check up on Haley and James when he was away. And he could keep a closer eye on Brooke and his brother. Have his brother's back if needed.

"Haley's fine with it," he says in an effort to ensure her further. "Even last week when PEOPLE's magazine mentioned that 'the wife of Nathan Scott looked bloated and worn this _early_ in her pregnancy'."

Brooke growls annoyed. "She's five months along! And it's her second pregnancy, God damn it. Can't they just–"

"_As I said_, Brooke. Haley's still _fine_." He chuckles at Brooke's instant protectiveness, "You and Lucas are strong, babe. What I'm saying is that you did the right thing, okay? If you would've tried to keep him out any longer, then he would have been way more hurt than what any stupid Pap could've accomplished. Because then he would have thought that you were ashamed of being seen with him."

She doesn't say anything but if he knows her as well as she does, she's probably nodding and biting her lip.

"Trust me," he pushes.

"Yeah…"

He leans back towards the wall and scratches his head. "He's still going to the AA-meetings, right?"

"Yup, he made the four month mark at AA last week." Instantly she sounds happier and so proud that he has to smile. There's no use telling the brunette that he already knew that and that he only used the information to cheer her up and prove his point. Actually, he had the discussion about how Brooke had protected Lucas from the media with his brother last night when she was sleeping. He talks to Lucas almost every day.

The smile turns into a smirk when he thinks about what else he knows that she doesn't. If Brooke hadn't gotten around to outing her relationship with Luke when she did, then the paparazzi and the fashion industry would have been in for a big surprise soon…

In fact, it might have been more fun that way.

"And you?" he says and kicks the side of the sports-bag. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm good. Work's going great and I'm feeling so much better." There's a tone in her voice that tells him that she actually means it. After that doctor's visit it's not just empty words anymore and it's not the denial.

"What about Rach? She finally hooking up with bartender-dude?" He adds to lighten the mood further and Brooke laughs. "_Owen_, Nate. And no, but I think it's around the corner. They're spending a lot of time together."

"You've been matchmaking?" he asks although he knows Brooke well enough to know that she has. "No wonder you sound so bubbly."

"Can you blame me? They're hot as hell together!"

"_Shut_ up," he chuckles back, "You just want her out of the apartment so that you can take advantage of Luke more." He leans his head back against the wall and the smug smile on his face grows wider, "I bet you're grabbing any chance to screw his brains out. Haley showed me the pictures from your little rendez vous at that Chinese place. That was like one step away from a freakin' _lap-dance_."

Brooke's raspy laugh grows louder and opposite to his brother she doesn't gasp or sound shocked. She denies wanting Rachel to move out but she does give him details about his other statement, and amused, he listens.

After all, he's Nathan and she's Brooke, and even though they are grown-ups now with grown-up problems, they're still them. And talking about sex as if it's the most natural thing in the world is simply what they do.

**-b-**

The big holiday is meant for festivities and family gatherings. It's a time to truly cherish the people you love and to feel happy for all the ways in which you're fortunate.

And Brooke Davis feels happy. _Really_ happy.

More than most people she cherishes what she has accomplished and she feels truly grateful for all the people in her make-shift family. Some mornings when waking up snuggled in the warm bed and wrapped in Lucas' arms, she still has to pinch herself to believe that it's all real.

Rachel teases her and says that she's being overly Christmas-cheery but it's something about all the lit up streets, the ornaments and the decorated shop-windows that makes her feel like she wants to sing and dance.

It feels weird to be content in this way. But it also feels wonderful.

Okay, so some days she still has darker moments. There are still the little windows of time where she closes up and wants to shrug away from this new feeling of being _alive_. But when she does, a blonde man with the patience of a god pulls her back and forces her to smile. Even if she lives to be a hundred, she won't be able to repay him for it, she's pretty sure of that.

"Where should I put this?" she asks from her position high up on a ladder, "In the window? Or do you want it in the tree?"

Lucas' arms wrap around her thighs and his lips touch the naked skin on her lower back where her t-shirt has slid up.

"Put it in the window, baby," he mumbles and his breath tickles her, "The tree has so many ornaments that it'll topple over soon. And please come down from the ladder, you're making me nervous."

Rachel chuckles from her spot on the couch where the redhead has cuddled up with a stack of legal documents for the spring launches and she playfully throws a glare in her direction before pinning the string that holds the glittery glass ball to the wall. Then she turns on the ladder and runs a hand through her boyfriend's short blond buzz cut. Lucas' hands grip her hips and he easily lifts her down to the floor.

"I need to buy something for Haley," she says, thinking out loud. "And we should get Jamie that Star Wars robot that Nathan won't buy for him…" Biting her lip unconsciously she goes through her Christmas list in her head. "Did you send that set of cookbooks to Karen? Oh, and Lily should get that –"

Lucas interrupts her by letting out an amused chuckle. "Am I missing something here, Pretty girl? Didn't we ship off like a whole mountain of gifts for everyone as late as two days ago? Jamie can't fit more toys in his room as it is and you designed a whole freaking maternity wardrobe, exclusive for Haley alone."

"I know, but Nathan said that she got bad press. She needs beauty products to feel better."

She pouts to underline her point. Boys! They just don't understand.

Rachel puts her papers down and sighs. "Brooke, seriously. I'm gonna be royally pissed off if you drag me out on one more shopping spree." The redhead growls, "I can't wait for this freak holiday to be over!"

Smirking at her friend's crappy Christmas spirit she leans in and breathes a whisper in Lucas' ear.

"Let's get Rachel a big-ass dildo in her sock for Christmas morning. You know, just to keep her occupied until Owen finds the courage to _fuck_ her properly?"

Lucas' hands instinctively grasp her a little harder and she giggles. He loves when she talks dirty. "I'll keep _you_ occupied," he breathes, "right now."

This time when she giggles it's a lot more husky and Rachel groans.

"God, save me _please_…"

They really shouldn't tease their roommate like this.

"So… wanna help me cook?" Lucas asks her in a deep voice and presses soft kisses along her jaw before letting go. "I could… um…_show_ you some stuff. Uhm… In the kitchen."

As he pulls back, he winks playfully and it warms her soul all the way into the last frozen corners. Her hands glide up under his shirt and she breathes in his scent.

"Remember what we talked about?" she mumbles, "You cook, I decorate. That is if you want to stay healthy."

He laughs and presses another kiss to her forehead. "Okay, pretty girl." He winks at Rachel, "Just don't work too hard. Neither you, nor Rachel. Dinner is served in 45 minutes."

She nods obediently. Smiles.

And as she settles next to Rachel and pulls one of the stacks of papers into her lap, she can still feel the tingle of his lips against her skin. Once again she thanks whatever higher power that brought Lucas Scott back into her life. She loves the boy so much that she feels like she's going to spontaneously combust.

"Stop grinning," Rachel chuckles and underlines a couple of paragraphs with a brightly yellow marker. "I know what you're thinking and no – you're _not_ allowed to have sex with him on the kitchen counter, I don't care what Nathan said. We _eat_ there."

Lucas laughs from the other room and she joins in. Then she digs into the workload.

"I mean it," Rachel presses and when she just sticks her tongue out in response, her redheaded friend mutters that same old line that's been played on repeat the last couple of weeks.

"I really need to move out of this Cockoo's nest…"

She smirks and glances at Rachel over her financial report. The girl can roll her eyes all she wants, but she knows that Rachel is only staying for her sake and it's not fair to her friend in the long run. The redhead is restless and now that she and Lucas are official, Rachel doesn't _have_ to stay with them to keep up appearance.

So in the spirit of Christmas, she has a _big_ gift planned that will shut her best friend up for a long time. And it's not a dildo.

**-x-**

_E!Online_

_Fashion-designer On Shopping-spree_

Brooke Davis_ and her boyfriend, _Lucas Scott_, was spotted doing some serious last minute Christmas shopping at Macy's yesterday, accompanied by Davis' assistant, _Millicent Huxtable_. The group seemed to have a great time and Davis and Scott even posed for some impromptu pictures. _

_Brooke looked as beautiful as ever – although dressed down in jeans, Uggs and plain sweatshirt – and it's easy to see that this relationship with her old high school sweetheart is doing her good._

_Lucas was sporting a jacket from his girlfriend's label and seemed satisfied with carrying around the bags for the girls and coax them to laugh. Just like his brother, famous basketball player _Nathan Scott_, Lucas has a dazzling smile and seems very charming. Rumor has it that he's pursuing a career as an actor and that we might see him in the next season of Entourage._

_Something to look forward to, we're sure._

_-E!_

**-l-**

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

As he says the words of the serenity prayer out loud together with the other thirty or so people in the room, he thinks about how he hasn't just been applying this on his drinking. There were days when it seemed to sum up his entire existence, and more specifically – his relationship to Brooke Davis, the love of his life.

But now it feels different. It feels more like reassurance that they're doing good.

"Living one day at a time," he mumbles along with the different voices, "Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; taking as He did, this world as it is, not as I would have it."

He hasn't been at a meeting in days and with Brooke doing so good he feels like he has to keep up his end of the bargain.

It's just that lately, he's been really busy.

After having dealt with Brooke's worries about the whole media-circus, he feels even surer about his decision. Because now she's ready to show their relationship off to the world and he wants the same. He's _been_ wanting it for a long time now.

And it's all coming together. Yet when all the little details have finally slipped into place, he's steadily getting more and more nervous. It's as it should be, he guesses. Who wouldn't be?

His eyes search the room for the first time during the meeting and he spots his dark haired sponsor further to the left. The rest of the serenity prayer sounds around him and he shifts on the uncomfortable wooden chair.

He thinks about Brooke, pictures her the way she looked when he left her a little over an hour ago. Sleeping soundly, all rosy cheeked and tucked in the warm bed, snoring gently.

Ironically he hadn't been able to sleep at all. Usually Brooke and Rachel went to work while he was still sleeping, or when he was still in his pajama-pants, reading the newspaper – nowadays _including_ the entertainment section. But for once _he_ had been the one lying awake, his fingers gently skimming her naked skin while he listened to her calm and steady breathing. He wanted to wake her up of course, make love to her for an hour or two before she had to go to work, but he knows that she needs the rest and there'll be plenty of time for that during the holiday.

Instead he had reluctantly left Brooke in the bed in the early morning hours and gone downtown. Philip had suggested that he'd change his schedule around to times during the day when his appearance in this place will pass a little more unnoticed. Of course, it's unnecessary, because the Paps leave him alone when he's not around Brooke.

But for Brooke's sake, he does as he's told.

So now, at 9am, just a few days before Christmas, he's finishing off an AA-meeting even though he doesn't even crave the booze and he feels good about it. He wants to show her that he can handle whatever she throws his way, whether it be cocktail parties, movie premieres or getting that much longed for 6-months mark of sobriety. He knows that she worries that a life as a celebrity-boyfriend will cause un-needed temptation for him but she doesn't have to. With her trust and Owens support, he can handle it.

The safety of the crowd of equals is still soothing though, like a reminder of the road he's taken and that everything is going to be alright.

That he's doing his part.

"Great meeting you guys," the leader of the meeting tells them and as the usual ending-applauds fill the room, he gets up from his chair and walks over to Owen. The guy is usually never at a morning meeting, since he's stuck at the university all day with his studies.

"Hey," he says and touches his sponsor's shoulder, "You okay?"

Owen blinks and turns his head, and Lucas frowns at the dark circles under his eyes. "Jeez, man," he adds, "You look like shit."

"I feel like shit," Owen groans. "Law school is fucking _killing_ me."

"Maybe I can help you out?" he offers. "Cross-examine you or something. It's not like a have a busy schedule."

At least not now when everything is almost set.

The people around them are starting to clear out and Owen smiles.

"Nah its fine, man. I'd say you should see about doing something for yourself instead." Owens voice is raspy from what he imagines is lack of sleep. "I'm not suggesting you should apply to law school 'cuz God knows that was one of my more stupid decisions, but if you're not gonna write…"

It almost makes him laugh. _Writing_? Hah, that is the last of his concerns right now. Once he's sure that Brooke is really alright and they've gotten through the Christmas holidays and his 'plan', then he's going to go back to the mission of pushing through his writer's block. But for the moment he has bigger things on his mind.

And if the nervousness over _that_ isn't driving him to drink, then he's not sure what could.

_Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, _he thinks to himself again in silence. _And please, _please_, give me the strength to not faint when I freakin' ask her._

"What are you so smug about?" Owen chuckles. "You wanna grab some coffee or something? You've been skittish the entire meeting. I could hear your shuffling around all the way over to here."

"Sure," he laughs and when they walk out, he watches a guy sitting in the far corner. The man is about his own age, looking tired, frustrated and worn. And it dawns on him that it must have been what he himself looked like the first couple of weeks here. He feels the urge to thank Owen once again for all the support he's been in this but his sponsor has already made it through the door.

So he follows him, thinking that he'll find a way to thank Owen for real, as soon Christmas is over.

They make it to a nearby Starbucks and load up on coffee and bagels and then Owen leans in over the table and eyes him intently.

"Spill, Scott," he chuckles. "How's the proposal coming along? Everything going as it should?"

He nods and the smile spreads even wider across his face.

"Yeah, I've got it all set. The horse carriage that will pick us up and take us to Central Park, then champagne at that same bar where we accidentally got fake engaged," he laughs at the memory, "Wow, Owen you should have seen her face when they all thought that we were getting married…"

He takes a sip of his coffee and Owen bites into his turkey bagel. "And when are you gonna pop the question?" his sponsor asks while chewing, "At the bar?"

"Yeah, and then I have cleared out a tiny restaurant in the Village, right next to where Brooke used to live. The food is great there and I've made sure to have all her favorites." He nods, "Rachel, Nathan and Haley are all gonna be there and it would be awesome if you'd join us."

"Thanks, I'd love to."

They drink their coffee without talking for a while and he enjoys the moment. One of the greater things about Owen McAllister is the guy's ability to not push small talk just to fill the silence. But then his sponsor asks the question that's been on his mind for weeks.

"You think she's gonna say yes?"

He swallows loudly and although he tries his hardest to look certain, the smile on his face suddenly feels crooked with nervousness.

"Shit, O. I have _no_ idea."

Owen however shows no mercy. There are no lame assurances. Instead the former bartender turned law student laughs loudly in the small coffee shop.

"_Dude_, it's gonna be _really_ embarrassing if she doesn't. But at least we're all gonna get a nice dinner, huh?"

There's a cheeky grin on Owens face and he groans and glares at his sponsor across the table. Then he fires back the best he can.

"So how's stuff with Rachel? Still haven't dared to kiss her?"

And just as he thought, the coffee gets stuck in Owens throat and the laughter turns into a cough.

He leans back in his chair, looking smug. Feeling so freaking happy.

Right back at ya, _dude_.

_It's good to be alive_

**-x-**

**

* * *

  
**


	25. My Grown Up Christmas List

**AN**: A belated Merry Christmas to you all and thank you for still wanting to read this story. A special thank you to my friend and soulmate in writing – Elena (Typokween), for always being there and for simply being amazing. I love you, girl.  
To the rest of you: Thank you for being awesome readers and for reviewing even when I don't deserve it. I've made this chapter extra long to make up for my absence and I hope that you'll all have a wonderful New Year.  
Until next time…

* * *

-x-

**CHAPTER 25 – ****My Grown Up Christmas List**

_Do you remember me__?  
I sat upon your knee  
I wrote to you  
With childhood fantasies_

**-r-**

She doesn't drive that much in New York. Not like she used to in North Carolina or even in LA. The hassle of finding parking spaces and all the constant traffic jams just aren't worth it. Usually she uses one of the company cars equipped with drivers, or she just waves down a cab.

Tonight the later should be a mission impossible. It's just two days before Christmas – December 23rd to be exact– and the streets of Manhattan are buzzing with Christmas shoppers. On top of that the snow is slowly falling over the city and it's damn well freezing outside.

But through some freak miracle she manages to wave down a cab right outside the Doughnut Plant on Grand Street and she completely understands why the cabdriver frowns as she brings in the bags of take-out Chinese food and settles in the back seat. It's going to smell like deep-fried shrimp in the car all night, but she had told Owen that she would swing by with something eatable and she intends to keep that promise. So she smiles somewhat apologetically and gives the taxi-driver the East Harlem address. After all, what did the guy expect when he picked up customers in this area?

"That's all the way across Manhattan, miss," the elderly driver says and she just nods.

Of course she knows. Just as she knows that it's ridiculous to pick up food all the way down on E. Broadway Street when the office was halfway to Owen already, but Chinatown is the only part of New York where you can find really good Kung Pao. And of course she's not going to tell Owen about this detour. He thinks that she's just dropping off whatever food she can find on her way home from a meeting up by Marcus Garvey Park.

Which of course is a lie. There is no reason to go out of her way like this other than that she really wants to bring him food that he likes.

Insane.

And for all this insanity and more, she blames Brooke and her damn Christmas spirit. The cheery attitude that her holiday-nazi of a best friend had displayed the last couple of days is wearing off whether she wants it to or not.

"Stupid love-sick Christmas whore…" she chuckles to herself and she flips through the magazine that Philip stuffed in her purse just before she left the office. The ride up to Owens neighborhood will take at least fifteen minutes and she needs something to make the time go faster. And less than a minute later she finds the reason for Philip's insistence.

_InTouch Magazine, __page 23._

_WHO WORE IT BEST? _

Rachel Gatina_, second in command and business manager of fashion-label Clothes Over Bro's, sure knows how to walk the red carpet. And she proved it again when she wore a original at last Friday's Christmas edition of the 'Passion for Fashion'-gala, where she presented the rookie award in absence of her boss and best friend _Brooke Davis_. She looked stunning as always and she outshined the other presenters, easy as pie._

Megan Fox_ wore the same dress two days later at a MTV red carpet party but had trouble pulling off the beautiful design._

_Votes are in ladies and gents; Rachel wins over Megan with a 78 percent landslide. We're guessing that B. Davis herself is very proud. _

Chuckling to herself she closes the magazine again and stuffs it in the pocket on the back of the seat in front of her. And right then her cell phone lights up with an incoming text and she smirk widens as she reads it. Sometimes she thinks that the girl must be psychic.

_Good job with outshining Fox. She should know better than 2 wear turquoise. So not her color! /B_

Apparently word travel fast and while the cab snails its way through traffic, she responds;

_What did U xpect? U know I rock couture. But thnx!_

It's nice to know that Brooke checks in with the media-buzz. That means that her friend is keeping tabs and that she can relax a little. She can sure use a break from covering for Brooke's ass at every social event.

"You can go left here on 117th," she alerts the driver and fishes her credit card out of her purse. She gives good tip to make up for the food smell and gathers all her bags.

It's going to be so nice to have a night off. Even if it's spent deliver food to a cocky former bartender turned law student. Even if it means coming to a rather worn down brick building in East Harlem.

The door is unlocked and she steps into the tiny hallway. Compared to the apartment she shares with Brooke – and the last five months also with Lucas – this place is miniscule. As a matter of fact its small compared to any place she's ever lived in, even hers and Brooke's first place in college.

But it's homey.

"You in here?" she yells into the apartment and Owen comes out from the small kitchen to grab the bags of Chinese food she's brought with her. He smiles wide like a little kid.

"Chow Mein?" he asks and peeks into one of the flap-top containers. It's almost funny how much –and at the same time how extremely little– a person could change in seven years.

"Yeah, and Spring Rolls," she says smirking, "…Kung Pao Chicken, Dumplings…"

"_God_, woman, you're amazing!"

His free hand slips around her waist and he presses a kiss against her temple. It's a perfectly platonic gesture, a simple 'thank you' for feeding him, and Lucas could probably have done the same thing if she brought Chinese food to the loft. Yet when Owens five o'clock shadow rubs against her chin it makes her fluttery and nervous and she doesn't even want to figure out why.

The kitchen table is hardly noticeable under the many piles of books and papers so she put the bags on the counter while Owen starts to clear his stuff away.

"How's it going?" she asks when she realizes how tired he looks. "Getting somewhere?"

He mutters something inaudible back and she lifts a book from one of the closest piles. _In Our Defense; The Bill of Rights in Action_. Curiously she flips through the pages and frowns at the tight-spaced amounts of text.

"Wow…" she mumbles. "No wonder you look like shit."

"I have an exam next week."

He sounds defeated, as if he's already decided that he's not going to pass it, and she feels bad for him even though she doesn't say it.

They've been getting increasingly close this past month and she enjoys his company but she's kept it on a friends-only basis. She still brings other guys as dates to parties and charity-events and the closest they've come to being intimate was that night of Brooke's breakdown when she let him sleep in her bed. After that night she backed away a little. Not totally, she hadn't shunned him like before, but just like a moment ago when the scruff on his chin gave her goosebumps by merely rubbing against her cheek, that night sharing a bed with him had made her weary.

Rachel Gatina is certainly no virgin, but Owen McAllister scares her. He scares her because just by letting him too close, he could do serious damage to her heart in ways worse than she even wants to think of. Yet she's taken a detour around Manhattan just to provide him with his favorite Chinese food?

God, she's seriously being ridiculous.

All these weird things that she feels around him are just remains of a _stupid_ high school crush. Period.

"Next week?" she questions with a raise of her brow, finally snapping back into focus. "Next week is in the middle of the holidays."

"Tell me about it," his deep baritone mutters as he piles the books and shoves the papers aside. "But that's law-school for you. I'm surprised that they didn't schedule the exam on Christmas morning." He grunts annoyed, "I should have just stuck to bartending."

"You want me to help you?" she asks nonchalantly and pops open the lid to one of the containers. "I could stick around for a while and cross-examine you?"

It's not like she has anything better to do, not as if she has somewhere she'd rather be at the moment. At least she can't think of other options when the corners of his mouth turn upwards and his brow arches in that typical way of his.

"You're the second person to ask me that today," He chuckles, "I thought you had that charity ball tonight?"

"I did, but Brooke's finally getting her shit together so I can ditch it. I really don't want to pose as third wheel on pictures of them sucking face."

She laughs and he wiggles an eyebrow. "I can imagine. I saw Luke down at AA this morning and the poor guy is so nervous about that proposal. I don't even want to think about how he's gonna be acting in two weeks. He's already crawling out of his skin."

He's standing not even two feet away and she feels strangely nervous herself.

"Yeah, I know," she gets out, trying to sound normal. "I'm just glad that they're finally getting out of the house. They're like freakin' _rabbits_. You leave them alone for two seconds and they're all over each other…"

She picks up a dumpling and dips it into the sauce before sticking it into her mouth. He watches her, lets his eyes travel her form and just when they return to her face, she licks her fingers.

"You sure you wanna spend the evening with boring paragraphs," he mumbles with a voice that's suddenly grown deeper, "it's a Friday night."

Something in her stomach flutters by his tone and her muttered "It's fine," is almost inaudible. His eyes roam her body in a shamelessly way she hasn't seen in years and for a second she wonders if…

He seems to realize his error because he clears his throat and looks away.

"Well, if you're staying, then go change into some sweats or something," he mutters and grabs another pile of papers, "You're free to raid my closet. I'll clean this up and heat up the food."

She looks down at her plunging v-neck dress and her Christian Lacroix heels and then the weirdest thing happens. It takes her by such surprise that she slips into his bedroom and closes the door without even saying thanks.

Well in there, she looks at her reflection in the mirror on his wall and shakes her head.

She _really_ is ridiculous. The red cheeks can't be explained away.

Rachel Gatina is blushing.

_Well, I'm all grown up now  
And still need help somehow  
I'm not a child  
But my heart still can dream_

**-b-**

It's the 23rd of December and it's snowing as they step into the limo. The snowflakes are beautiful. Big and white and sparkling like crystals and even as they're getting comfortable in the big backseat, they still stick to Lucas' eyelashes in the most beautiful way.

She smiles. He looks so handsome in his suit and his hand is warm in hers. And as she listens to him talk to Philip about tonight's event she feels content and happy. She loves being able to bring him, loves showing him off and displaying their love in public. Keeping him a secret was never something she did because she wanted to. She did it because it was necessary. For both of them.

"If the bigger fashion magazines want pictures, then by all means, give them big smiles," Philip instructs calmly, "But please stay away from the gossip mongers. They may seem genuine but they'll just try and stir shit up."

Lucas nods seriously and she smiles at how concentrated he looks when listening.

"Is there anything I should remember not to say?" he asks with that typical Lucas-squint, "Some questions that I shouldn't answer?"

"Well, try to steer Brooke away if they bring up the accident. There's always some moron that tries, even though it's been almost two years."

Another nod from her favorite broody blonde but this time he looks more serious.

"Aw, come on Phil," she laughs, "Lucas knows the drill. And this is charity, not Hollywood celebrity central. We'll spend most of the night in the VIP section anyway."

Lucas' hand moves to her thigh and he rubs circles on her skin beneath the hem of her mid-thigh dress. "Baby, please," he hushes her jokingly. "Philip is my Yoda. I need his wisdom so that I don't put my foot in my mouth."

He winks and she pulls his face to hers so that she can kiss him. The snowflakes are gone but in the dim light of the vehicle, his eyes still sparkle.

"You'll be fine, right?" she asks just to be sure and Lucas nods.

"I'll be fine," he whispers. "And you _look_ fine. So fine that I wanna…"

The rest of his sentence disappears into a low mumble as he bends his head and kisses her collarbone.

And before she knows it, the shiny black limo pulls to a stop outside the Fairmont Plaza. Through the tinted windows she can see the crowd and she feels an excited flutter in her stomach.

For the first time since before the accident, she actually feels thrilled about going to an event like this. Even without the support of her redheaded friend.

Philip smiles too. That almost fatherly smile that the guy sometimes offers her although he's barely thirty-five. And as the chauffeur opens the door for them and Philip starts to get out of the car, he looks at Lucas and chuckles, "The force is strong within you, young Jedi." Then Philip pats her shoulder, "I'll leave this princess in _your_ care now, see you guys inside."

Lucas laughs and the sound is so contagious that she breaks out in laughter as well.

And that's how they step out of the limo. Holding hands and laughing like teenagers, not caring one bit that the camera-flashes blind them. Somewhere in between all the heartache and tears and fighting to heal during these last months, she realizes that they've progressed from '_we're going to be fine_'.

They already are.

_So here's my lifelong wish  
My grown up Christmas list  
Not for myself  
But for a world in need_

**-r-**

She sits Indian-style on the floor across from the couch and watches as Owen frowns and concentrates.

"_Actus reus_ is latin for 'guilty act', right?" he mumbles, probably to himself than to her, but she still nods to encourage him. "It's the physical element of committing a crime," he then continues a bit more sure of himself, "It may be accomplished by an action, by threat of action, or exceptionally, by an omission to act."

She motions for him to keep going with a wave of her hand, "For example..."

"For _example_, the act of _A_ striking _B_ might be enough, or..." he thinks for a second and then lights up, "_Or_ a parent's failure to give food to a young child. Both may provide the actus reus for a crime."

For a moment she keeps her facial expression emotionless but then she grins widely. "Owen, what the fuck are you so worried about? You know _all_ the answers!"

It feels good to see some of the tiredness on his face disappear and a genuine smile tug at his lips.

"How many incorrect answers?" he asks tentatively. "I fucked up on that liability-thing again, didn't I?"

They've been at it for five hours straight and it's a little after one o'clock in the morning. The neckline of his much too big sweater keeps sliding down her shoulder but she doesn't care. It's ridiculous and embarrassing but she loves being surrounded by his scent. Actually this entire scenario reminds her of the many nights spent in his college dorm, cuddled up in his big sweaters and rested towards his chest while he was reading his team's playbook or watching Sports Center.

She had been a kid back then but she still remembers how it made her feel.

The memory is both painful and somehow comforting and the mixture of feelings makes her glance at the clock on the DVD. She should head home soon. Tomorrow is the 24th and she's promised to have Christmas Eve dinner with Brooke and Lucas.

Brooke's going to want her help to prepare it. Because that's what they do since neither of them have real families to spend the holiday with. They listen to Christmas carols, get half-drunk on eggnog –or maybe not this year– and do all the other silly things that her little Christmas-nazi of a friend connects with this Holiday.

But the scary thing is that tonight, she doesn't _want_ to leave.

And not because she wants to avoid Brooke and Lucas. Whatever she says when she's grumpy, hanging out with them is never boring or uncomfortable. She doesn't feel left out or in the way. No, the scary thing is that she doesn't want to leave because she'd rather stay here with _him_.

During the weeks that the frail friendship with Owen has been reforming she's kept her distance, but tonight, sitting on the floor in this tiny apartment, she almost wishes that she could have more. _Almost_.

"You got the liability question right," she finally answers. "The only thing you didn't nail was that detail about embezzlement when we talked about property offenses, remember?"

He nods and rummages through some of the papers in his lap. But then he throws them all aside and twists his head to the side, making a cracking sound with his neck.

"Let's take a break," he mutters, "We could watch a movie or something… Or –, um, maybe you have to go home?" His eyes stray towards the digital clock, just like hers had the minute before. "God, I'm sorry, 'Chelle. I didn't know that it had gotten this late."

The nickname from when they were teenagers still makes her insides tremble and she bites her lip. Without thinking she gets up from her cross-legged position and crawls up on the couch next to him, even though she should be running the other way.

"I can watch a movie," she mumbles, inhaling his scent as he makes room for her. "It's not _that_ late."

He says nothing but just like in the kitchen earlier this evening, his dark brown eyes look almost black. They suck her in, leave her breathless and make her want to –

Oh _shit_.

That look makes her want to kiss him so bad and the notion just scares the living daylight out of her.

"I'm going to –, uh…" She retracts and stands up. "Do you want something to drink? I'm, uh, I'm gonna get some water…"

Without waiting for an answer she slips out of the tiny living room into the even smaller kitchen. Pulls the refrigerator door open and concentrates on breathing calmly as she grabs a bottle of Evian. What she really wants is a stiff drink, preferably a big glass of Grey Goose, but there's hardly alcohol around in this apartment.

So she settles for the water and breathes. In and out. In and out.

Right now, Brooke and Lucas are probably doing the rounds down at the Plaza and the irony of the switched places doesn't pass by her unnoticed. Brooke is dressed up and glamorous – happily taking back her life in the spotlight with the support of her high school love – and she is spending the night, dressed in sweatpants in tiny flat up in East Harlem, feeling just about as insecure and fragile as she had when she was a teenager.

She's definitely _not_ on safe ground.

She takes another breath and commands herself to stay composed. She is here as Owens _friend_. Here to help him study and keep him company. _He_ doesn't feel anything of what she feels, whatever the hell it is that she's feeling. Sometimes she thinks that he looks at her as if he wants her but it's probably just wishful thinking, and even if it isn't, then it's still just lust. Because since that day back in the store in Tree Hill, when he said that he wasn't over her, he hasn't done anything that implied wanting to be more than friends.

It frightens her that she even has these thoughts to begin with, because thinking about what he wants tells her that she is threading thin ice.

That _she_ might want to be more. That she might have wanted that since she first saw him in Brooke's hotelroom.

She takes a couple of breaths of the cool refrigerator air and, with a new resolve to stop being so melodramatic and cut this lovesick puppy act that's threatening to take over her, she shouts, "Did you want anything?" But there's no answer.

"Owen?" she calls again and closes the refrigerator door, only to have his face appear inches from her own.

"Nah, I'm good," he mumbles in a low voice and her breath hitches. He's so close to her that she can almost taste him and as he takes another tiny step towards her she actually feels faint.

"I," she starts, "You –, what are you–"

Almost in slow-motion he leans in closer and breathes, "Shut up, okay? I need to do this."

His warm hand slides up her hip and in underneath the sweater until it stops at her waist. Then he kisses her. Slow, but openmouthed and without restraint.

All reason flies out the window. All caution, gone with the wind as he presses her against the refrigerator door and his hands slide up to cup her face and then on to tangle in her hair.

And God help her if she doesn't kiss him back as if it's the only thing she's been craving for almost six months.

**-l-**

_As children we believed  
The grandest sight to see  
Was something shiny  
Wrapped beneath the tree_

He's never really understood the expression 'Look like a million bucks' but as he sips the sparkling mineral water in the champagne flute and watches Brooke Davis work the crowd on her way to the ladies room, it suddenly becomes very clear to him.

Because she does. Look like a million bucks that is, and he smiles when he thinks that she's probably worth a hell of a lot more than that on the stock exchange. But it's not just the fact that she looks amazing and that he knows that the market prize on the dress she's wearing would be in the 5-gigit category. There's just something about her that breathes elegance and grace.

She's always been beautiful. Even in the few pictures he's seen of her as a small child. Back in high school, Brooke had made quite the reputation for herself with her sex-appeal and her cute dimples, and then during college when she started up her own modeling career, the sexy teenage girl turned into an even more beautiful woman. But now, while gliding through the room of this elegant Christmas charity ball, she looks almost unreal.

He grins wider and sips the cold sparkling fluid again. Waitresses circle the crowds of celebrities with trays of glasses filled with champagne and he feels proud of himself that the urge to reach out and grab one is practically nonexistent, even now when his girlfriend isn't next to him. And it's amazing how just watching Brooke from afar can squash that last twitch of his hand.

"She's beautiful _and_ brilliant. You got yourself quite the catch there."

He turns towards the voice behind him and he recognizes the man that Brooke was speaking to just minutes ago on her way to the bathroom.

"Yeah, I'm a very lucky man," he smiles back a little tentative. "Lucas Scott," he then clarifies and holds out his right hand, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"Marcus Swanson," the man smiles back, bearing rows of pearly white teeth that seem to belong more in celebrity central LA than at a charity party in New York. "I'm with The Letterman Show. We've been trying to get Ms. Davis on our stage for some time now. Thank you for bringing her back out into the spotlight, Mr. Scott."

"No need to thank me," he clasps the hand and shakes it, "We just needed some time away together."

He glances to the side to see if he can spot Philip around because he still worries that he'll slip up around reporters and he guesses that this is the reason to why this Mr. Swanson has approached him while Brooke is nowhere to be seen.

"Maybe now that you're back, we could convince the _both_ of you to come on stage, Mr. Scott?"

Teeth are bared again and he wonders how long Brooke will be gone. "Call me Lucas," he says to buy some time. "And if its media coverage you want to talk about, then you should butter up Philip Sage, not me. I never meddle in stuff concerning Brooke's business."

The man laughs and this time it's more genuine. "Well, that might be true. But you're certainly knee deep in her personal life, aren't you? I've run into Brooke Davis on lots of celebrity events the last couple of years and tonight was the first time that she openly admitted to being in love when I asked her. She still refuses to come on the show, but maybe with you around we might be able to wear her resolve down. What's your secret, Lucas?" Mr. Swanson winks, "She looks happier and a lot more content then I've ever seen her."

"I second that," a girl cuts in from their left and he politely turns to include her into the conversation, realizing that its Brooke's model-friend Miranda.

"Lucas, sweetheart," she gushes and air-kisses his cheek, "Hi Marcus," she then ads dryly to Mr. Swanson. "Still working to get Brookie on your show? Where is she by the way? I really need to talk dresses with her. "

Miranda links her arm with his, eyeing Marcus somewhat coldly, and he's thankful. It's not like he really knows the girl at his side but the world-known model is Brooke's friend and he trusts that she'll help his ass out of trouble in this situation. When Mr. Swanson still lingers, Miranda's nose scrunches up in annoyance.

"_Bye_, Marcus," she clarifies and leads him by the elbow away from the man and towards a group of girls in spectacular dresses. "Lucas, meet Audra, Giselle, Mia and Anaïs. Girls, this is Brooke's boytoy."

He greets them with a embarrassed smile and then chuckles inwardly. The guys in Tree Hill should see him now, surrounded by beautiful models at the Fairmont Plaza. Who would have thought? Yet he still feels extremely relieved when his girlfriend returns with a wide grin on her face.

"Hey baby," she breathes, sliding in to stand close to him, and he wraps his arm around her slim waist. "Miss me?"

"Always," he mumbles back, leaning down to catch her lips with his. "Miranda saved me from that Letterman-dude."

She kisses him softly, her tongue sliding against his and making him seriously consider dragging her out of this party and home to their bed.

"You should keep this boy on a leech," one of the girls laugh. "He's too hot to be walking around here all by himself."

Brooke's arms around his neck tightens a little. "Hands off, Anaïs," she smirks, her lips almost still connected to his. And then she whispers, "You wanna get out of here? I want to go home and lie under the Christmas tree with you."

His heart warms by the thought that, in a room full of famous people and important business relations, she still craves the same things as he does. It makes his plans feel even more right and he's glad that he left the little velvet box at home tonight because right then, when she licks that plump bottom lip of hers and waits for his response with glimmering eyes, she looks so beautiful that he wants to drop down on one knee and pop the big question in the middle of the party.

"Lead the way, Ms. Davis," he mumbles and kisses her again, earning 'oooh's and 'awww's from the girls around them.

Life feels ridiculously good.

**-r-**

_But heaven only knows  
That packages and bows  
Can never heal  
A hurting human soul_

It's a little after 3am and she's scared.

Owen is sleeping calmly with his head rested on her stomach, his dark hair damp and curling slightly on his forehead, and she runs her fingers through the strands and lets out a shallow sigh.

She wishes she could be just as calm, but frankly? She's way too freaked out.

Tonight she slept with her former high school boyfriend, whom she's basically spent 7 years avoiding, and sure; she's naked and sweaty and ridiculously content. Yet she's also as scared as a teenage girl when wrapped in the arms of a guy that could possibly step on her heart and shatter it in a million pieces.

Sometimes she wonders how Brooke was ever brave enough to keep going back to Lucas. And it wasn't just one time. It was over and over and over. Every time broody-boy fucked up, Brooke found the strength and courage to build her trust back up and even now, when she knows that Lucas is preparing to purpose to her brunette friend in just a matter of weeks, she thinks that if she was Brooke she'd be scared as hell.

Love is just so God damn unpredictable.

And this _thing_ with Owen… she's not sure what it is – or even what it means – but she knows that she's not as brave as Brooke.

Carefully she slides out from underneath him and she holds her breath when his head thumps down onto the mattress, worried that the movement will wake him up. He sighs and his hand glides over the space she just vacated and for a moment she hesitates, but then she moves again and gets out of the bed.

She just can't do this song and dance again. And of course she should have figured that out _before_ she went ahead and had sex with him. But…

She groans as she silently tiptoes out of his small bedroom, following the trail of clothes they'd dropped all the way from the kitchen. Picks up her panties first and then the sweater she had borrowed from him and suddenly she remembers that she actually came here last night wearing a dress and heels and that those things are folded neatly on a chair in the room she just left Owen sleeping in.

And after quick thought she decides that the best idea is to slip into his sweats and grab a cab. Sure, its December and it will seem very weird if someone sees her get into the car barefoot, but _whatever_. She really needs to breathe, to get out of this tiny apartment and away from the man still sleeping in the bedroom. She needs to _not_ think about how much she had wanted him and how wrong it feels to be sneaking out like a thief in the night.

She pulls her underwear up over her legs and scans the living room for her bra but she can't see it anywhere. Fuck, she's 23 years old! She's twenty-_three_ and she shouldn't be scared about sleeping with a guy. Not even with this one, the only one that ever –

"Chelle?"

Crap.

She turns to find him in the doorway, looking sleepy and confused and wearing nothing but his boxers. He runs a hand through his hair and clears his throat and she suddenly feels embarrassed standing there in just her panties.

"Where are you going?" he mumbles.

"I, um…"

She's not a shy person, never has been, but when he looks at her she can't help but cross her arms over her naked chest. Then she sighs and rolls her eyes, because that's what she does.

"Owen, I'm not a teenager anymore," she mutters, "We slept together, it's not a big deal. I'm just gonna go."

Being cynical, it's what she does, who she _is_. But damn it, it doesn't work on him. He has this way of _seeing_ her, the side of her that Brooke sees, and it makes it really hard for her to keep up the front and hide like she usually does.

"Were you seriously trying to sneak away while I slept?" he mutters and this time he sounds disappointed. "_Seriously_, Rachel?"

She pulls her shoulders up tensely. "What would you have me do?" she grits out through clenched teeth. "Stay? Cuddle?"

"Yes." He steps closer and grabs her wrist, pulling her towards him. "What's wrong with that?"

She rolls her eyes again but this time while doing it, she feels stupid. There's nothing wrong with cuddling, especially not with this man because he does it exceptionally well. She should know.

"I don't want this to become uncomfortable," she mumbles more silently. "It'll just become complicated and I can't –"

He tugs on her arm again and somewhat unwillingly she steps in and meets him halfway. Then she opens her mouth to continue because she needs to explain to him that this scares her. That being close to him, to actually want to be close to him, is really frightening and that it won't work out. But he shakes his head and mutters, "No, don't."

"What?"

Her voice is small and she cringes when she hears how weak she sounds.

"Don't over-think it," he presses and his other arm wraps around her waist. "For once, Chelle, can't you have some damn faith in me?" His lips are so close that she can feel his breath on her face. "Can you just come back to bed and enjoy the freaking Christmas spirit? Please?"

The last word is more of a breath than an actual syllable and she doesn't even know why but she lets him pull her back towards the bedroom.

She's still scared, but she caves.

And she can't even blame the Christmas spirit for it.

**-b-**

_No more lives torn apart  
That wars would never start  
And time would heal all hearts…_

The weirdest sound pulls her from her sleep…

It's dark in the bedroom but Lucas' arm is around her waist and the bed is warm and cozy. She buries her face back into the pillow and groans because it's probably around 4 o'clock in the morning and it sure as hell isn't time to wake up yet.

Not even today when it's the 24th of December and she knows that there's still so much to prepare for their Christmas dinner and she still has piles of gifts to wrap. She loves all the Holiday preparations but right now she loves the bed and the promise of a couple of more hours of sleep even more.

The night with Lucas at the party had been wonderful and she smiles and crawls closer to the blonde man next to her. Enjoys having him close in the bed without outside distractions.

But then the sound comes again.

_Someone's crying_.

Carefully she sits up in the bed. Frees herself from Lucas' safe arms and the blankets and puts her feet down on the floor. Because the sound is so misplaced, yet so freakishly familiar, and she knows that she needs to get up.

Silently she tiptoes over the fluffy bedroom carpet and out into the hallway. It's December and the wooden floor feels cold under her feet even though the apartment is nice and warm.

"Aww sweetie…" she mumbles when she gets closer to the second bedroom, because the cries are louder now, "What's wrong?"

The hallway is almost lit up by the lights from the Christmas tree in the living room so she doesn't have to turn on the lights and she silently pushes the door open and peeks inside.

It's Rachel's room and when she went to bed last night, the redhead still hadn't returned home. Usually that would've bothered her but she's pretty sure that her roommate spent the evening with Owen so the fact that Rachel isn't in the room doesn't feel all that weird to her.

What _does_ feel weird though, is that the sound of someone crying in the room still doesn't surprise her. And neither does the fact that the room has changed.

Maybe that's why she's suddenly so sure that this is a dream? Last night there were no ducks on the wallpaper in here. And after almost two years of spending night after night in dreamland she knows the signs.

The crying comes from a white crib over by the window – where Rachel's bed usually is placed – and as if she's done this a million times, she walks over there and hushes comfortingly.

"Shh, baby… mommy's here…"

Her feet are silent against the soft carpet that hadn't been there just hours ago and for the first time when she's aware that she's dreaming, she doesn't beg to wake up. Instead she just goes with it, leans over the crib and picks up the baby in there, knowing already that is her daughter.

Hers and Lucas' child.

"C'mere, cutie," she whispers and holds the tiny warm baby close to her chest. Brushes the dark wisps of hair away from the sleepy little face and listens while the crying dies down into tired sobs. Oh, how she wishes that this could all be some beautiful Christmas miracle, but she knows that it's not.

"Where you having a nightmare, huh? It's okay. Mommy knows what that's like…"

Still rocking the child, she walks over to the armchair in the corner and sits down. The sobs turn into content snoring and she refuses to think about trucks or blood or screeching tires, because for once, this is a dream in which she wants to stay.

She doesn't look down on the face of the sleeping child in her arms. She doesn't want to see the little girl's features because it will just hurt more when she wakes up. But she allows herself to enjoy the feel of the infant in her arms, at least for a little bit.

"Mommy knows all about nightmares," she whispers and presses her lips towards her dream-baby's soft hair. "They can feel so real…"

And then the room is suddenly spinning and something is draped over her waist, keeping her from rocking the sleeping child.

_Brooke_.

_Brooke?_

The ducks on the walls are quacking and walking in tiny little rows around the wallpaper and-

"Brooke!"

With a gasp, she sits up. And it takes her only a second to confirm what she already knows. She's in her bed, in her own bedroom, and Lucas is leaning over her with a concerned expression.

It was all a dream. Just like she thought.

"Are you okay, baby?" he whispers and runs his fingers softly down her cheek, wiping away the wetness of tears. "Was it a nightmare?"

She shakes her head and crawls into his arms to find the safety and comfort she needs to ride out these emotions. "No, just a dream," she whispers back. "It was a good dream."

A painfully beautiful one, based on her greatest wish. But still, just a figment of her mind.

"If it was good, then why are you crying, Brooke?" he asks in that sleepy velvety voice of his and she's not sure exactly what she should tell him. She doesn't want to tell him that her first good dream in two years had made her cry because it might never come true. Yet she doesn't want to lie. They're not keeping secrets anymore.

They've worked so hard to be honest with each other and she owes him. She loves him way too much.

"I dreamt about our baby," she whispers finally, close to his chest so he won't see her face. "We had a daughter…"

His arms wrap around her a little tighter and his lips press against her hair, much like she had done to the baby in her dream. "I'm sorry, Brooke," he mumbles. "Don't be sad."

They just lie like that for several minutes. Him holding her, comforting her. But then she backs up so that she can see his face because there is something that she needs to tell him. Something that the dream – however wonderful – had made her realize.

"It's okay," she whispers and cups his cheek in her hand. "I mean it, Luke… it's okay."

He watches her in the darkness, waiting for her to explain, and she clears her throat and leans her forehead towards his.

"I don't need a baby," she says softly. "It was a beautiful dream. But all I need is you."

"Brooke…" he whispers and his gentle fingers fastens a lock of her hair behind her ear. "I love you. You're everything I've _ever_ needed. "

And then his arms slide in around her again and he carefully lifts her off of the bed.

"What are you doing?" she mumbles as his lips press against her temple and he carries her out of the bedroom and into the hallway.

"We're going to go lie under the Christmas tree," his voice whispers warm in her ear, "Just you and me. We're going to take advantage of the fact that Rachel isn't home and you know what? We might not have a baby but we can still practice making one, okay?"

She smiles through the lingering tears and wraps her arms tighter around Lucas' neck. And minutes later, when they're kissing on the rug in front of the fireplace, lit up by the many lights in the tree and the glimmer from all the beautiful ornaments that they've hung up together, she actually feels it. She knows it's true.

As long as she has Lucas, she'll be happy.

_What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?  
Maybe only in our blind belief  
can we ever find the truth_

**-l-**

"Oh my God!" Brooke yells from the hallway, "_Rachel_!! Oh. My. _Freaking_. God!"

Leaving the food on the stove he hurries out to see what the commotion is about and he finds his girlfriend in a frozen state, her hand covering her mouth in shock, and a blushing Rachel who's still standing in the doorway. Owen stands next to the redhead, looking stunned, and he –

Wait a minute.

Blushing _Rachel_?

It's Christmas Eve and they've been waiting for Rachel to return for hours. And sure, seeing that she's brought Owen to dinner is somewhat of a surprise, but not to such an extent that his girlfriend should be this shocked because they did after all get a text around noon, saying that their redheaded roommate were still at his sponsors apartment.

But Brooke just keeps bouncing up and down and he's just about to ask her why she's behaving like a complete loonytoon when she suddenly regains her speech and squeals, "You _slept_ with him! I can't believe you finally slept with him!"

The rosy shade on Rachel's cheeks deepens into crimson red.

"Ho, ho, ho… Merry Christmas," he chuckles and leans against the doorpost because he can see it too now. Both Rachel and his sponsor look thoroughly 'satisfied' and they both carry that awkwardness that comes with being intimate and then not knowing how to act around each other.

But the innocent blush on the redhead's cheeks is short-lived.

"Well Merry Christmas to you too, dickheads!" she huffs and drops her jacket on a chair before stomping passed them into the apartment, leaving Owen with an even more dumbstruck expression.

Brooke races after Rachel and he can hear her excited ramble all the way to Rachel's bedroom.

"How did it happen? Oh my God, Rachel! How could you _not_ call me and tell me? _Wow_, you have to tell me everything!"

The door slams shut with a bang and he looks up at Owen who takes off his knitted beanie and runs a hand through his hair.

"Uh, that was a little-," Owen clears his throat, "Awkward?"

He laughs and gestures for his sponsor to follow him into the kitchen. "Hey, it's not like we weren't waiting for it to happen," he chuckles, "And it seems to have gone well. I mean it's not like Rachel would have brought you over for Christmas dinner if it had gone totally downhill."

He hands Owen a cup of the non-alcoholic eggnog that Brooke had insisted of making and Owen chuckles as well, although blushing slightly.

"I guess not?" he shrugs with a crooked grin and Lucas shrugs back to underline the point.

Of course not.

"Actually you must have done better than we thought, McAlister," he grins and pats the dark haired guy's shoulder, "Brooke was sure that Rachel would try to keep it secret for at least a month after you two finally slept together. Nathan bet that she would bolt." He winks. "She did neither."

Owen cringes and scratches his neck. "You guys have a _bet_ going?"

"Yeah, sure. I'm counting on you to win me five hundred dollars." He smiles and Owen looks back at him wide-eyed, so he adds, "My bet was that she'd refer to you as 'boyfriend' before the end of the year."

They can hear Brooke's excited chatter through the wall to Rachel's bedroom and Owen offers him an apologetic grimace.

"Dude, you know you've probably lost a shitload of money, right? Chelle's _never_ gonna call me that. At least not 'til we're old and grey and she's too tired to fight it." His sponsor leans back against the kitchen counter and frowns. "You should probably know that Nate would have won the bet already if I hadn't caught her half naked ass on the way out."

Something in Owens forced smile tells him that the night might have not gone as smoothly as he and Brooke had thought, but he still nods and shrugs in response. Sure, so it was going to be a close call. It's only a week to New Year's Eve and Rachel is almost even more stubborn than Brooke. More cynical and less trusting.

But he still thinks he has a chance to get five hundred bucks off of Nathan. In his eyes, Rachel and Owen are a done deal.

"She brought you to Christmas Eve dinner, didn't she?" he points out and pulls the oven open to check on the turkey. There's no answer from the taller guy so he pretends to busy himself with the food for a minute. The stereo in the living room is belting out corny Christmas carols and the smell of the ginger bread Brooke had tried to bake earlier still hangs in the air. For the first time since he moved out of his mother's house, it actually feels like Christmas. And what are the holidays without a little faith?

Plus, _he_ knows something that Owen doesn't.

Not only is Rachel bringing Owen to dinner without even being asked to. This is the also first time during the six months he's been staying with the girls that Rachel has brought any guy to the apartment. That _has_ to say something.

"You want to be her boyfriend, right?" he asks and finally closes the oven again. "Take an advice from someone with experience, man. The whole 'friends with benefits'-thing? It's really complicated."

Owens burly laugh fills the kitchen and then Brooke comes skipping into the room with a huge smile on her face.

"This is so awesome," she beams and wraps her arms around him before pressing her lips against the side of his jaw. "They're _so_ cute together!"

He trades a look with Owen – one that says 'I'm sorry, I know you're still in the room'. But Owen keeps laughing and sets his glass down on the table. In situations like these, his girlfriend is not a 23 year old famous fashion designer, she's still a high school girl, and Owen probably knows this.

"I'm gonna go see where Chelle went," the dark haired guy mumbles and when he leaves the room, Brooke actually squeals.

"This is such a great Christmas! Did you see Rachel's face? She was _blushing_, Luke!"

He cups her cheeks in his hands and pulls her face up to his so that he can kiss her properly. He's happy that Rachel and Owen are on their way to finally pulling their heads out of their asses, but he doesn't care much about the redhead blushing right now.

Because he sees _her_ face. Brooke's face. And _his_ Christmas is perfect when she's this happy.

**-r-**

_So here's my lifelong wish  
My grown up 21hristmas list  
Not for myself  
But for a world in need_

Dinner became a joyous event even with Brooke's constant awing over her and Owen. And as Lucas and Owen joined forces to try and carve the turkey, she had thought long and hard about the difference between this Christmas and the last one.

Last year she had to work her hardest to keep up with Brooke's constant denial. She'd gone through the motions with her brunette friend and tried not grab the girl and shake her when she went ahead and buried the apartment in colorful ornaments. It'd felt like a fraud to dress the place up with Christmas decorations when none of them were hardly ever home and most of the holidays were spent at the office anyway. And to even make a Christmas dinner when Brooke only ever picked in her food had just felt useless.

The only highlight last year had been two days before Christmas, when Nathan came up to New York for a night and the three of them got shitfaced on tequila.

But this year it felt like a _real_ Christmas, the kind that Brooke and herself never had while being kids, and it wasn't just the fact that her best friend was laughing all throughout the evening or that she was actually eating and relaxing this year. It was the whole atmosphere.

Now in the early hours of Christmas morning she still doesn't want to dwell on where this thing between her and Owen McAllister is heading. He'd asked if he could stay the night when Brooke and Lucas finally headed towards their bedroom and she had reluctantly let him.

She's grateful that he didn't pressure her to talk about it. That he had just crawled into her bed without asking her what they were doing or what they were now that they'd been intimate. Because right then? Right then she had needed him to be her friend first and foremost, and he had been right the night before when he told her that whatever they were doing just had to take its course without too much thinking and analyzing. But sometime during the night her hesitance had given way for some kind of weird 'calm'. To such an extent that waking up beside him actually felt good.

She shifts under the weight of his heavy arm and when she concentrates she can hear Brooke clattering around in the kitchen.

The numbers on the alarm-clock says 8.34 and she yawns. It's December 25th and its Christmas morning. Which means that her little Holiday-nazi friend will be bursting in here at any moment, demanding that they'll come open gifts.

"Wake up, doofus," she mutters, stretching her body under the blankets. "Or do you want Brooke to see you in your birthday suit?"

He groans and pushes his face into the pillow, mumbling something that sounds vaguely like "You're evil…"

But before she can respond, Lucas voice comes from the doorway.

"Morning, guys. I'd say you have about T minus four seconds before Brooke comes barreling in here and physically drags you out of bed."

He's only wearing his pyjama pants and he's stretching his arms over his head, holding onto the top of the doorframe. He looks like he just woke up, his blond hair in a worse than usual disarray and she frowns and shakes her head when she realizes why.

"Lucas, that just gross," she groans, "you could at least get a shower before coming in here."

"What are you talking about, Rach?" he chuckles confused and by now Owen looks up too, squinting against the light.

"Dude, you might as well wear a sign on your forehead," he mutters in a dark sleepy voice. "One that says 'I'm Lucas Scott and I'm freshly fucked'."

Lucas' eyes widen and a tiny blush tints his cheeks before he lets go of the doorframe with one hand and runs it through his hair.

"Uncalled for, man," he grumbles, "You're the one who showcased your naked ass without locking the door."

And she can't contain her laughter any longer. The two guys are behaving like adolescents.

"Brooke, you skank!" she yells towards the kitchen, "Come get your boytoy so that we can get dressed!"

She loves both Brooke and Lucas, the former like a sister and the later is turning into more like family for every day that passes, but _God_, she really needs to get her own place.

Fifteen minutes later she's finally managed to lure Owen out of bed and she steps into the livingroom finding Brooke as hyper as the energizer bunny.

"Merry Christmas, B" she chuckles and stealthily rolls her eyes to Lucas when the brunette turns her back.

He and Brooke might not have kids, but just like Nathan and Haley back in Tree Hill, they all have a great make-shift family on Christmas morning and she's pretty sure that Brooke can compete with Jamie's childlike excitement.

"Come here, Pretty girl," she hears Lucas say before pulling the over excited Brooke down to sit on his lap in front of the crackling fire. Then he pulls the box closer that contains his first gift to her and she tugs at Owens hand.

"Sit down," she mutters, "I'm gonna fetch us some coffee and then we better get this freakshow on the road."

If they're ever going to get through this huge pile, they need to start somewhere.

**-b-**

_As children we believed  
The grandest sight to see  
Was something lovely  
Wrapped beneath our tree_

"Okay, my turn!" she laughs and claps her hands, "Rach, can I give you my gift now?"

She's nervous but at the same time excited and if Lucas' arms weren't wrapped around her waist, she'd probably be bouncing. But the annoying scarlet haired friend of hers just shakes her head and snickers.

"Nuh-uh, bitch. It's my turn."

"What? That's not fair! You just gave Owen that iPod-thingy. It's my turn to give pick a gift and I _want_ to give you yours!"

For emphasis she pushes her bottom lip out and pouts, earning an eye-roll from Rachel and a warm chuckle from the man with his arms around her. The laugh reverberates through his chest and she can feel it as she leans into him, momentarily making her forget her charade and almost switching her pout for a smile.

"Come on 'Chelle," Owen laughs from his place perched behind Rachel on the couch, "let the girl pick a present. Can't you see that she's practically bouncing out of her PJ's?"

Another eye-roll but, as the dark haired man slides his hand up Rachel's thigh in a seemingly innocent manner, her friend gives up and smiles. So she takes her chance and throws the tiny wrapped package to the redhead who's almost buried in colorful pieces of ribbon and wrapping paper and Rachel catches it easily. They're nearing the bottom of the pile of presents and out of all the stuff she's bought for her roommate, she's saved this one for last.

"What is it?" Rachel shakes the gift and frowns at the rattling sound coming from inside. "Are these my jade earings? If you wrapped them to give them back to me, you suck. Just to be clear."

She laughs again and leans against Lucas' chest, hearing the rumble of his chuckle in her ear. "She's gonna freak…" he mumbles and she smirks.

"Open it!" she simply declares and waits with both excitement and fear for Rachel to rip the paper off of the box. She's been waiting to do this for days, but now, when her friend and roommate for the last almost six years slowly lifts the lid on her present, she actually freezes for a second thinking that maybe she just wants to take the gift back.

Suddenly she's not sure that this is the right thing to do.

Especially when Rachel looks so confused as she pulls the content out of the small box.

"A _key_?" the redhead questions, meeting her eyes over the room. The first tiny shiver of fear runs up her spine and she swallows. What if her friend takes this gift the wrong way? There is a risk after all that she might.

Lucas' breath is warm against her neck and she squeezes his hand as the redhead turns the object over to try to make sense of the Christmas-gift. "Well, Brookie, you are officially mental," Rachel chuckles, "Why the hell did you wrap my own apartment key?"

"Uh… guess?"

There's a moment of silence and then Rachel rolls her eyes and exclaims, "I don't know? Because you're lame?"

She swallows thickly again and Lucas must sense that she's losing her nerve. So like the perfect man he's grown to become, he gives the situation a little push.

"You want a clue, Rach?" he teases and starts to get up from the floor, efficiently lifting her with him to a stand. "Let's go, Brooke. Show Miss Clueless here the way."

His hand is big and strong and she pulls strength from him as she hesitantly leads the way out of the living room and out into the hallway. She consciously doesn't look at Rachel, she just walks ahead and tries to mask her nervousness with a cheeky grin.

Rachel of course assaults her with a million questions, about where they're going and what the key's for, but she clams up. And as they make it out through the front door and into the elevator, her palm is sweaty in Lucas' grip.

"Calm down," he whispers into her ear as he nuzzles her cheek with his nose. "You know that she'll love this…"

God, she really hopes that he's right.

"Push 26," she croaks out and Rachel gives her a weird look.

"What? Like _floor_ 26?"

"Yeah."

Rolling her eyes for the millionth time, Rachel pushes the button for two floors down and the elevator is silent as they make the quick descent. Then the doors open again and Rachel frowns as she sees the red ribbon tied into a huge bow on the doorhandle to the apartment right ahead.

While Rachel and Owen walk towards the door, she lingers and looks up at Lucas. Blue eyes meet hers and he smiles.

"I said calm down, pretty girl," he sooths. "Really. This is going to be great."

She's not sure why she's so damn nervous, or maybe she does. Rachel has been her rock– ever since she left the Sawyer household in her senior year of high school to move into the house of the Gatina family – and there's just something so _weird_ about watching her friend sticking the key into that lock and turning it. The redhead doesn't make the situation any less tense because she says nothing as she twists the handle and opens the door.

Absolutely _nothing_.

She just seems very confused as she stares at the empty apartment inside.

"Rachel…" she whispers and takes a couple of steps forward so that she can touch her friend's back, "…if you–," she swallows and starts over, "If you don't –"

She closes her eyes and bites her lip, wishing that she could take it all back. The last thing she wants is for Rachel to think that she's trying to make her roommate move out against her will.

"What is this?" Owen asks and she can hear Lucas shush him silently.

"Rach?" she tries again, still with her fingertips against the taller girl's shoulder, "If you want, we can sell it. It was just–"

"You bought me an _apartment_?" Rachel mumbles silently and stares into the open rooms, interrupting her ramble. "Here? Right in this building?" The redhead's voice trembles and then she turns to face her. "For real, Brooke? You _bought_ this?"

She nods and gnaws on her bottom lip nervously. "Do you hate it?" she whispers back. "It's okay if you think this is a bad idea… I just want…"

She just wants Rachel to stay close. To be _around_. She's known for a while that her roommate wants a place of her own where she doesn't have to feel like she has to babysit her and Lucas around the clock like some freaking third wheel chaperone and this was the only way she could think of where she could support her friend in that and still keep them all together.

She just doesn't know how to explain all this without sounding like the biggest egocentric bitch in the entire world.

She opens her mouth again anyway, ready to give it a try because she needs Rachel to understand, but before she can get a single word out, Rachel throws her arms around her neck and smothers her in the tightest hug.

"I love you, Brooke," the redhead gets out, cheek pressed tightly against her own.

And maybe it's the lack of name-calling that makes is so much more serious? There's no 'bitch', 'skank' or 'whore'. Just those three words that she knows that Rachel never throw around lightly, and then her name.

"I love you more," she whispers back and she feels ridiculous when her eyes fill up with tears. "You're my _best_ friend."

Her best friend, her sister and her anchor in life, in love and in business. Without Rachel Gatina she just wouldn't know what to do.

She buries her face deeper into the fabric of Rachel's sweater, but she gets interrupted by Owen's excited yelling.

"Rachel! Come look! My whole freakin' apartment could fit in this livingroom." Then even louder, "Jesus and virgin Mary! _Dude_, you have a Jacuzzi!"

And instead of crying, she starts laughing. Because Rachel snorts loudly.

"Seriously? Can you believe that I slept with that _idiot_? He's like a two year old!"

"But you love it, Rach," Lucas teases from behind them. "You _looove_ it."

Seconds later she's watching the redhead chase her boyfriend around in the big empty livingroom, determined to live up to the threat of 'beating his ass if he doesn't shut up'. And it's amazing to be carefree and act like teenagers all over again. After the latest couple of Christmases, it's just what both she and Rachel needs.

Watching the way Lucas laughs and the way Owen cheers him on, she'd say that it's what they _all_ need.

_And everyone would have a friend  
And right would always win  
And love would never end oh,  
This is my grown up Christmas list_

**-l-**

It's been a calm and cozy day.

After opening the mountain of Christmas gifts, and revealing the big surprise for Rachel, they all just mellowed out. The redhead was still in a little bit of shock and randomly kept telling Brooke that she was crazy but she seemed excited and for that he was glad. If Rach would have taken Brooke's 'gift' the wrong way then his girlfriend would have been devastated.

By 2pm, Rachel and Owen had retreated down to the empty apartment to take another look and he and Brooke had taken a long walk in a snow covered Central Park. Then they snuck into an almost empty movie theatre to watch a flick that none of them paid any attention to, instead making out like teenagers in the back row.

And all the while kissing a trail up Brooke's neck in the darkness of the cinema, he kept thinking that this was exactly how Christmas Day was supposed to be spent.

Afterwards he cooked them all dinner at home, and just like the night before, Owen stayed to eat with them. It was heartwarming to see how well the guy seemed to know how to deal with Rachel's stubbornness and insecurities and for every hour that passed, he became more and more sure that he'd win the bet.

They ate lazily, talked about random things, and then they spent a drawn out hour with a game of scrabble in front of the lit fireplace. Just enjoying the Christmas spirit and each other.

Now, while Brooke loudly protests that 'prettyful' _is_ a word and that she deserves double points for linking it to her previous word 'peen', he watches her with a huge smile on his face. Again he thinks that this is how life should be all the time. Sure, it had been fun to see Brooke in her celebrity habitat the night before last. Watch her dress up and work the crowds of photographers and fans as a regular Hollywood pro. But regardless of how beautiful she'd been wearing that dress in that habitat, this is how he enjoys her the most – when she's relaxed and au natural, dressed in sweats and without make-up.

"_You're_ prettyful," he chuckles and breaks up the argument between Brooke and Rachel by wrapping his arm around her and pulling her into his side. "So it's definitely a word in my book."

She beams proudly before glaring at Rachel with the clear intent to say 'I told you so!' but Owen mutters, "Brown-nose," from the other side of the table and both girls break out in laughter instead.

They've all needed this; to laugh and be silly, have time away from responsibilities and instead have quality time hanging out with friends. It reminds him of their high school years when him and Brooke had spent plenty of nights like this with Nathan and Haley.

"I'm gonna go call Nate," he mumbles into Brooke's hair and kisses the top of her head. "Do you want to talk to Haley if she's still awake?"

His girlfriend nods and turns her face to his so that he can kiss her lips instead but then Owen lays down the word 'scarface' on the board and another argumentation erupts.

"Jeez, you're all a bunch of kids," he chuckles as he gets up from the couch. "Does anyone want some coffee while I'm up? Or some hot chocolate?"

Rachel and Owen are too engrossed in trying to decide if movie titles are allowed and they don't even look up to answer his question, but Brooke's face light up and she nods. "With marshmallows?" she questions and bites her bottom lip in a way that makes him groan and want to skip the cocoa in order to just lock them both in the bathroom for some alone-time to the hot-tub.

"Sure," he smiles and forces himself not to bury his face in the crook of her neck, "I'll be right back. Please make sure that Rachel doesn't steal my letters while I'm gone."

With a _plink_ the letter 'Q' bounces off the side of Brooke's head she whips around and squints at Owen who holds his hands up innocently and points to Rachel.

"Child," she grumbles petulantly and Rachel's laughter follows him all the way into the kitchen.

Owen burly laugh joins in and as he whips the ingredients to the hot chocolate together, he thinks about family. About how he still misses Keith even though it's been six years since the shooting. And how he really whishes that Karen and Lily could've been here, at least for the holiday. He thinks about Nathan and Haley and their kids – both Jamie and the baby that's on the way – and most of all, he thinks about how he wants this Christmas to be the first in a _long_ row of Christmases with Brooke.

While the milk warms on the stove, he calls his brother. It's almost midnight and when the answering machine comes on after the fourth signal, he's not surprised. Haley is after all pregnant and Nathan is probably exhausted with running after Jamie all day.

So after leaving a short message, he fills four mugs to the brim with the hot cocoa and ads fluffy marshmallows on the top before putting them all on a tray.

He's carrying the mugs with him back into the living room when he hears the soft sound of Frank Sinatra's voice, singing White Christmas, and the banter from the Scrabble game seems to have died down.

Entering through the doorway he understands why. Owen and Rachel are kissing on the couch and for the first time he really understands how the redhead has felt all these months living in the same apartment as him and Brooke. His girlfriend however, is nowhere to be seen.

He clears his throat, slightly embarrassed to be intruding, and puts the mugs of hot chocolate down on the coffee table. And when he turns he sees Brooke through the glass door to the balcony. He walks over to the slightly ajar door and, as he pushes it open all the way, the cold slips into the apartment. He smiles, because even though her back is turned to him, he's certain for once that she's not dwelling on sad stuff or worrying over problems at work. She's watching the city covered in lights and he bets that she's grinning like a child on Christmas morning.

Brooke Davis _loves _the whole concept of Christmas, and he – Lucas Scott – loves _her_.

Issues, brokenness, paparazzi and all.

It's silent out on the balcony, just the soft tones from the stereo inside and the traffic far below, and he feels this sudden urge to wrap his arms around her and press his lips towards her neck. He's been close to her all day but the mere minutes he spent in the kitchen has made him miss her so he takes a step outside, thinking that maybe he can convince her to come lie under the tree with him again. Based on the way Rachel and Owen were kissing, they'd be retreating soon. Either back to Owens place, or at least into Rachel's bedroom.

"Hey, baby," he says softly out into the New York night. "What are you thinking about?"

She turns and the smile he pictured is there on her face. So bright and genuine with those dimples etched into her cheeks.

"You," she grins. "I'm thinking about how much I'd laugh if you ever auditioned for Entourage like that tabloid said." Her nose scrunches up like a bunny, in a way so much like she used to in high school that he laughs. "It'd be hilarious."

"What?" he feigns hurt, "I'm not hot enough to hang out with Vince and the guys?"

He closes the door to the balcony behind him so that the cold won't seep inside and so that Rachel and Owen will get some privacy. Then he walks out to her where she stands.

She's been half-leaning against the railing, one eye still watching the Christmassy lights down below, but now, as her laughter falls from her lips like a string of pearls, her focus is fully on him.

"You're _too_ hot, much hotter than Vince," she assures and wraps her arms around his neck before kissing him. "But you're such a bad actor, baby. You can't even keep a straight face when you pretend to be angry." Her fingers run gently down his cheek and on to outline his jaw while the pad of her thumb brushes his bottom lip. "How did they even come up with that?" she laughs, "I mean, remember that time when we planned Nathan's and Haley's surprise wedding-party? You blew the entire surprise!"

He laughs with her now because he knows that she's right. Wherever the sources got the information that he was an aspiring actor, he has no clue, and he wonders what he'll be when the coverage of the charity party hits the newsstands.

It doesn't matter really, because he knows what he _does_ aspire to be in real life.

"I love you, Pretty girl," he says softly while she's still giggling, "You make me happier than you can ever imagine."

She presses into him and her soft lips brush against his scruffy cheek.

"I love you too, Broody," she whispers.

The air is cold and he worries that she might be freezing but the night is so beautiful and his heart feels like it's about to burst with all the thankfulness he feels over having her. "When I think about it," he mumbles, trying to explain, "our life I mean, it just – It just seems so easy…"

"What do you mean?" she asks and he can tell that she bites the inside of her cheek while she waits for his answer. She always did become impatient by his longwinded speeches.

She looks so beautiful standing there and his hand twitches at his side to reach up and erase that crease of confusion on her forehead.

"I don't need anything except you, an old hammock and a back porch," he mumbles and threads his fingers through the soft silk of her hair. "I wish I could spend every moment with you, just like today."

"You'd get bored," she mumbles close enough for her breath to feel hot against his cheek. "Plus, we don't have a hammock and even less a porch to put it on…" she adds with a crooked smile and he groans.

"Brooke…"

_Screw the porch_, he wants to say, _it's not the point_. But he doesn't say that. Instead he pins a stray lock of her hair behind her ear and caresses her winter-cold cheek. The point – How could he put it?

God, why were these wonderful feelings so hard to explain? All he wants is for her is to understand how he _feels_.

"I love you," he tries again but the three little words that are supposed to cover it all seem too small. He needs something bigger…

And suddenly his mouth opens and words just spill out spontaneously and unplanned. "I _more_ than love you, Brooke. I want you, all the time. I want…" he shakes his head slowly side to side and chuckles softly, "I want to _marry_ you, Brooke Davis. I mean, I just –"

Her hazel eyes grow wide and his mouth closes with a snap. _Shit_.

"Wh– what?" she whispers.

His heart hammers away in his chest like a freaking jackhammer and he feels dizzy.

Oh, fuck!

_This_ wasn't how he planned it.

In two weeks, on the same date as she first told him that she gave a rat's ass about him, he was going to close the entire street outside their building off from traffic and give her the most romantic proposal ever known. Plans had been set, many arrangements and specific decisions had already been made.

And now he's blown the whole deal, blown weeks and weeks of planning just because she'd simply stolen his breath away when she had turned to him and laughed like that, and because the light from inside make her eyes greener than he's ever seen them. Because he can't bear to be without her ever again and because he _meant_ that thing about the back porch.

But still, he was supposed to make this moment big and beautiful and amazing.

For her.

He wasn't supposed to just _blurt_ it out like this, while wearing sweats and with her –, with her looking so extremely stunning with her hair messy from the wind and her cheeks rosy from the cold.

Frantically he tries to read her facial expression and it scares the living daylight out of him that he's not sure what her answer will be.

He gulps and the hand that's unconsciously found its way into the pocket of his sweatpants closes around a velvet box. One that he's mentally kept with him since the day he knew he wanted to see it on her ring finger.

"I love you _so_ _much_," he chokes and steps so close that he's almost glued to her body. The words get stuck in his throat and his voice cracks with the onslaught of emotion. "There aren't even words for how much I love you and I want you to be my wife… you're _everything_ to me, Brooke, and I've planned this–, this big proposal… but I couldn't wait. I just –"

"Lucas!"

He stops his nervous and flustered ramble suddenly and just stares at her. Her smile is so wide that her face almost breaks in half and her eyes glisten with tears.

"Yes, Lucas Scott, you moron!" she blurts out happily while he's still trying to understand what is happening. "Of course I want to marry you!"

He licks his lips slowly and blinks.

"You… you do?"

"Yes!"

The little box is now in his palm and his hands are shaking as he flips it open. Brooke's hazel eyes are still glued to his face but when he looks down, she does too and the gasp that slips from her is raw and real.

"It's so beautiful…" she whispers with her raspy voice full of tears. "Is it –"

He nods because he's still not sure that his own voice will hold and he watches the emotions roll over her face. Brooke Davis – the girl, or woman, with the worst possible poker face ever, and for once he's happy for it.

"I have another one, " he breathes, "From Tiffany's… Rachel helped me pick it out, but I thought that maybe you'd want my mom's?"

She swallows loudly and nods, touching the ring gently while her eyes flick between the tiny object and his face. And being the incurable romantic that he is, he finds himself kneeling. It doesn't matter that she's already answered. He needs to do at least this right.

"Brooke Penelope Davis," he says with a trembling voice, "will you be my wife?"

It's the 25th of December, five minutes to becoming the 26th. And on a balcony in the middle of Manhattan, New York, the girl that's been the love of his life for over six years sinks down to face him.

"Yes," she whispers. "Lucas Scott, this is by far the best Christmas gift in my entire life…"

And then she kisses him.

_This is my grown up Christmas list…_

**---x---**

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**AN: **I'm going to try to not take ages before updating LOL. You all rock!

Ps. Allie (othfan236), you're the one that finally kicked my lazy ass into gear. A huge shout-out goes to you for that. Thank you!


	26. The Best Is Yet To Come

CHAPTER 26 – The Best Is YetTo Come

**-b-**

For six days she's been walking on air, feeling like she's going to break out in unexplained giggles every other second. It's like her insides are full of champagne, bubbling and fizzing with happiness. Because six days ago Lucas Scott asked her to marry him.

And she said yes.

How big is _that_? Brooke Penelope Davis–high school party slut and cynic extraordinaire–is going to be Lucas' _wife_.

It's all she wants, all she's dreamed about since high school, and to her, his proposal couldn't have been more beautiful. The random moment out there above the lit Manhattan streets, the spontaneous way in which he blurted it out as if he couldn't contain himself, and the complete sincerity in his voice. It all made the moment so emotional that she's still surprised that she managed to choke out her answer.

_Yes!_

Lucas, however, still thinks that he messed the whole thing up. That she deserved the 'big' moment he had apparently spent over a month planning, and Rachel still teases him about it every chance she gets. Once her squeals of joy had brought Rachel and Owen out on the balcony that evening, Rachel hadn't been able to stop laughing.

In fact she's still laughing now, almost a week later.

"_Luke? Did you call and cancel the whole 'closing the street'-thing?_" she hears her friend tease from the living room. "_Oh, and what about the restaurant?_" A loud giggle erupts and Lucas mutters something that vaguely sounds like "_Screw you, Rach…"_

"Rachel," she chastises from where she stands in her bedroom, pulling her dress down carefully from the hanger, "Stop fucking with him! I love how he asked me!"

"_Thank you!_" Lucas yells back from the living room and another burst of giggles from the redhead filters in before Rachel shows up in the doorway.

"I'm sorry," her friend laughs. "It's just so funny! He planned this out so meticulously and he was so fucking nervous about it… and then he ruined the whole damn thing. Nathan is going to mock him with this for the rest of his _life_. You _know_ that!"

She smiles as she remembers the expression on Lucas' face when he called his brother to tell him that she had said yes. The blush that made him look like a teenager when he protested, "_I couldn't help it," _into the receiver, a wide grin stretched over his face,_ "she looked so damn beautiful, Nate. Seriously! I was helpless, I swear!"_

"Okay," she giggles back at Rachel while unzipping the garment in her hands, "I agree that it is funny. But stop teasing him, please? I don't want him to be insecure when the whole damn thing couldn't have been more perfect. I love how it played out."

"Of course you do," her friend smirks and snickers, "You're both such sappy romantics, it makes me want to barf."

"Oh, shut up, whore!"

"Right back at you, you Audrey Hepurn-wannabe."

It's New Year's Eve and they have about an hour before they're supposed to leave for the big gala down at Waldorf Astoria, but it's too much fun to engage in the good ol' back and forth banter and she doesn't feel stressed even though she hasn't even started doing her make-up.

"So when is Owen coming over?" she teases with a sing-song lilt to her voice. "You know, the date that you're bringing tonight, Miss 'I'm-not-in-love-with-him'?"

Rachel's face falls and the giggle gets stuck halfway down the redhead's throat. "Shut up," she mumbles while her cheeks tint red, "He's just my escort."

And now it's her turn to bend over with laughter.

"Sure, slutface. No one believes that. Not even _you_."

It's still nine hours left of the year and there's still time for Lucas to win his bet with Nathan. For her boyfriend's sake, just as much as for Rachel's, she really hopes that the night will end with a big bang.

**-l-**

The bubbles in the glasses fizz and sparkle and for once there are more reasons than usual to why he wishes that he wasn't a recovering alcoholic.

It's New Year's Eve party after all and he really wants to grab the Champagne and toast to so many things. Most of all to the glorious fact that Brooke accepted his proposal, that she said yes and that he's going to get to marry her. But in a bigger sense, he wants to propose a toast to _them_. To the fact that they're both here together–at this ridiculously fancy party–healthy and _happy,_ after all the shit that they've been through this last year alone.

Yeah, he _really_ wants to toast to that.

For a second he wonders if maybe one sip would be okay and his hand instinctively lifts to grab a champagne flute from the passing waiter, but then it falls back to its place at his side, twitching just slightly.

Brooke is worth more than him taking unnecessary chances with his frail sobriety.

"Good job, man," Owen praises behind him and momentarily he feels ashamed to have been caught even thinking about it. But his sponsor clasps a hand on his shoulder and squeezes. "Seriously. Don't underestimate yourself, Luke. That was _all_ you. You didn't even know I was watching you."

"Yeah?" he mumbles and his eyes unconsciously seek Brooke's form over the crowded room ballroom. "I shouldn't need you watching me. I don't even know why I reached for it. It's not like I wanted to get drunk."

He keeps his voice low because a party like this is full of 'ears' and he's been prepped good by Philip. After over five months with the AA he has leveled with the fact that he has an alcohol problem but it's not a good thing to have that shit leaked to the media. Especially not when it's just a matter of time before the press gets the news about his and Brooke's engagement. They haven't announced it yet but she _is_ wearing his ring after all.

Owen chuckles next to him and rakes his fingers through his unruly dark hair. "Luke, loosen up, okay? Believe me when I say that it will take _years_ for that reflex to go away completely. You're at a New Year's party and a waiter walks past you with a tray full of Champagne glasses. It's natural to grab for one. It's what everyone normally does." Owen grins. "But you checked yourself and decided against it. So be proud, dude."

He takes a deep breath and when he finally locates his girlfriend among that many people in the room, he lets the air out in relief. It's almost magic the way she can calm him down, just by being near.

"Look at her," he breathes and greedily lets himself take in the image of her. "Can you fucking _believe_ that I'm getting married to her? _I'm_ marrying _her_."

Owen laughs and slaps his back.

"Good catch, bro," his friend teases, "she must be blind as a bat for picking you though."

It's funny because for six whole days, he's been thinking exactly that. And not in a self-pitying kind of way or in a broody 'I don't deserve her' way either. He's just amazed. Amazed and utterly fucking happy.

Screw everything else like babies or normalcy or being followed by the paparazzi. Once they're married he's determined to be the best husband she could ever ask for. In an hour, a new year will start, one that will begin the way it should be with the both of them together, and it's going to be such a grand year too.

"So what's your plan with Rachel?" he asks, finally turning to look at Owen instead of at his beautiful girlfriend. "You have an hour left before you cost me 500 bucks."

Owen cringes and shrugs. "I'm sorry, Luke. You should probably count that money as lost already."

"Lost what?" Brooke's redheaded friend has made it back to them while they were talking and now she's eyeing them curiously. "If it's on blackjack, then don't sweat it. It's for charity so it's okay to lose big."

"Uh, no…"

Just at the right moment, Brooke makes a whirlwind entrance and excitedly starts telling Rachel about some actor that wants to check out the B. Davis line. He breathes out thankfully and Owen seems to feels the same. Saved by the bell, but the matter still stands. One more hour and Nathan will be the winner.

Why was so damn hard for Rachel just to confess that she loved the guy? She doesn't even have to say those three words, all he needs is for her to openly refer to Owen as her boyfriend and he'll beat Nathan in this bet. It would be a nice change from all the ass-whippings he's received from his brother at the basketball court the last couple of years.

He glances at Owen and the guy stares at Rachel much in the same way that he himself stares at Brooke. And in the middle of the fancy party, he suddenly wants to tell Owen that Rachel deserves this. To have someone who is devoted to her and her alone because Rachel has spent so much time taking care of his broken girlfriend and its time that someone did that for _her_.

But when the redhead unconsciously leans towards his sponsor's shoulder, laughing at Brooke's animated story about the actor–some Robert guy who plays a vampire in some teen movie –, Owen's lips stretch into a smile and he watches as the dark haired guy bends his head and kisses Rachel's temple.

Feeling a little stupid, he realizes that Owen already knows these things. That the former bartender is already stepping up to the plate and that Rachel, beneath that almost innocent looking grin, looks uncharacteristically calm and content.

And that's what he wants for Brooke's best friend. To feel _happy_. Who cares about a stupid bet and 500 dollars? He has no problem swopping some of his pride for Rachel's happiness.

"One hour and counting…" Brooke's raspy voice suddenly chimes in his ear and he looks down to find her grinning widely. He pulls her into his side, forcing himself not to maul her in front of hundreds of people and settles for just skimming her collarbone with his lips.

"Yeah, I know," his whispers huskily. "But Owen seems to think it's a mission impossible." His hand unconsciously falls to the curve of her ass and she smirks.

"Really? And you're giving up as well?"

He glances over at the redhead and his sponsor, both now busy trying not to look completely love-struck.

"Look at them, Brooke. Who cares? They'll come around in their own time." His arms wrap tighter around her. "Plus, what can I do? It doesn't count if I _tell_ her to say it."

"Oh, you just watch and learn, baby…" his fiancé whispers, creating delicious goose bumps when her warm breath fan over the skin of his neck. "I've got you covered. Rachel's going to walk right into it, believe me…"

**-n-**

The comforter is warm and fluffy and he pulls it tighter around him, sinking his head deeper into that pillow. It's been a perfect New Year's Eve. Just him, Haley and James together and being a family, without coaches, play-off's or press.

And he's merely fallen asleep, spooned against his pregnant wife, when the annoying sound of his cell phone wakes him back up.

He grabs it from the side of the bed, quickly so that it won't wake up his sleeping wife and child, and reads '_Brookie'_ on the flashing display. Why the hell is the little hellion calling him now for, when they exchanged 'Happy New Year' wishes an hour before midnight?

"This better be fucking good…" he mutters into the receiver with a voice gritty from sleep. "It's 1AM, B."

But it's not Brooke's raspy voice on the other end.

"Sorry for waking you up, little brother," Lucas apologizes, "but I just _had_ to call."

Frowning, he untangles from Haley, sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. "What's wrong?" he asks and gets up on his feet, walking silently out of the bedroom so that his voice won't wake up his family. Lucas sounds happy and okay but late night calls from his brother usually meant bad news and he hopes to God that the giddiness that Luke is displaying doesn't mean that he has slipped up.

It's New Year's night after all and the booze must be flowing at that celebrity party.

"Nothing's wrong," Lucas sooths but the mirth is now clearly dripping in his tone. "Actually it's quite the opposite. But _you_ might be a bit disappointed."

Disappointed?

At first he draws a complete blank because if Lucas had been drinking, he wouldn't call and make jokes about it. But then it hits him…

_Damn it!_

Groaning, he kicks at a toy car on the floor, because suddenly he knows exactly what this is about. And then he laughs, not able to be angry that he has lost, since the fact that his brother winning this bet is based on something good.

"How the _hell_ did the guy pull it off?" he asks, feeling slightly impressed even in his newly awakened state. "He got her drunk, right?"

"Nope, no booze," Lucas snickers, "Actually, Owen didn't do anything. It was all thanks to–"

There's a struggle for the phone before Brooke's raspy laugh fills his ear.

"Nate?" she giggles, out of breath, "Nate, you should have seen it! Rachel clocked a girl right on the nose! It was hilarious!"

And now his own laughter booms in the dark hallway, so loudly that he hears Haley wake up and call for him from the bedroom, but he just can't help it.

"She did _what_?"

The jumbled mix of laughter and explanation isn't all that clear but he gets the important parts and that is enough to piece it all together.

"Oh, you sly little shit!" he chuckles, "B, you weren't supposed to interfere!"

He should have known that Brooke would make sure Lucas won this. And even more so, he should have foreseen that she knew just the way to do it too.

The only way to get Rachel Gatina to stake claim and call Owen 'boyfriend' was of course by having someone piss on her territory.

-**x**-

_PEOPLE's magazine – Nr. 4, Jan 15__th__:_

_**Wedding bells for Brooke and her high school sweetheart**_

_At gourmet Japanese restaurant Nobu on Friday, Brooke Davis–fashion designer and model–was seen with a bunch of friends as she and her boyfriend Lucas Scott celebrated their recent engagement with a private dinner. _

_Among the guests were of course Davis' best friend and business partner Rachel Gatina, her soon to be brother in law, NBA-player Nathan Scott with wife, and former modeling colleagues Miranda Kerr and Charlie Kane. Brooke and Lucas were inseparable and the whole thing seemed to be a very joyous event. _

_"Brooke and her boyfriend are the cutest thing ever," one of the staff from the restaurant told PEOPLE. "She was at Lucas' side throughout the whole party. When Mr. Scott moved from the table, so did Ms. Davis." _

_And according to PEOPLE's sources, this is how it's been since the young author moved up to New York from their hometown in North Carolina. For months now, Brooke Davis, who have earlier been known to date most of New York's and Hollywood's eligible bachelors, have only had eyes for one man. And now the rumors of wedding bells that sprouted after the Waldorf Astoria New Year's party are being confirmed. _

_The ring in the picture is according to sources, vintage, and our favorite designer happily showed it off several times during the evening. _

_Clothes over Bro's as well as Brooke Davis' personal spokesperson Philip Sage has not confirmed when the alleged wedding is supposed to be held but says that Ms. Davis and Mr. Scott are in fact engaged and that they are very happy together._

_PEOPLE's magazine are certain that if the wedding takes place, Brooke Davis will be the best dressed bride on the New York celebrity scene._

**-b-**

"What the hell do they mean 'if'?" Haley complains in annoyance over the phone. "That reporter is a frickin' moron, if you ask me. You should get Philip to have them make a public retraction."

She chuckles, phone stuck between chin and shoulder, as she flips through the sketches on her desk. "Why are you so pissed off, Tutor-mom?" she asks and pulls the one she's searched for out from the pile. "And did you seriously say 'frickin'?"

"_Yes_, I did. Because I have a _frickin_ four year old with ears the size of _frickin_ saucers, clinging to my leg. And his _frickin_ father's bad language is _frickin_ contagious, okay!"

"_Mommy, what's frickin?_"

The high-pitched voice in the background makes her heart melt and she puts her pen down on the pile of sketches and leans back in her office chair.

"Hales, you have to bring Jamie on your next trip up here. I miss the hell out of him."

"_Mommy, Auntie Brooke said 'hell'_…"

Haley groans and she chuckles into the phone as her friend tries to convince her godson to go outside and play for a bit. Unable to succeed Haley finally resorts to bribing and it's a fun thing to listen in on it all but it's also evident that her small-town friend is tired and worn out.

"Are you okay, Haley?" she asks in a gentle voice when Nathan's wife returns to the conversation. "You looked a little tired last weekend when you guys came up to visit. You know that you can tell me, right?"

There's a sigh on the other end and she's pretty sure that Haley nods even though she can't see it.

"Just a little tired," she mumbles, "Nothing other than that. So how're the wedding plans coming along?"

"Haley…"

It's been like this pretty much since Nathan and Haley found out about her little 'problem' two and a half months ago. Nathan is honest and straightforward as always, usually saying exactly what's on his mind, but Haley always seems to tiptoe around the fact that she's now over six months pregnant.

It had saddened her to see her friend hide the growing bump at dinner when they all celebrated hers and Lucas' engagement and even though it is still painful to think about the fact that Haley is having another baby, the revelation at Christmas was still just as clear. She has Lucas. She's going to marry him and with him she'll be happy no matter what.

Having Haley try to hide the fact that she's tired because she's pregnant just feels weird and wrong. Because they are friends. And friends _talked_ about these things.

"Brooke, we don't have to talk about me. Tell me about work. Are you still planning on promoting Millie?"

Sighing, she rubs a hand over her face.

"Listen to me, Haley James-Scott, I'm _not_ going to break, okay?"

"I know that, Brooke. I just –"

"No, I'm serious. Remember when Nathan drove up to New York two months ago?" She chuckles dryly. "That was me hitting rock bottom. Now I'm feeling better, _life_ is better, and you can't keep pretending that you're not having a baby. I'm not going to pretend that either, because frankly? It's ridiculous."

She knows that Haley means well but it _has_ to stop.

"I'm coming to terms with the fact that it will be hard for me to get pregnant and that, worst case scenario? I might never be." Her voice is firm and her words bring a gasp from her friend on the other end. "But I _won't_ let that fact become something that drives a wedge between you and me, okay Hales? I missed a lot of Jamie's first couple of years because of all my shit and I won't let that happen again…"

She stops for a second and Haley's breathing sounds shaky.

"Brooke… I just wish–"

"No, Haley. _Seriously_. This is how it's going to go;" she dictates sternly, "_You_ are pregnant, and whether you're enjoying that fact or not – you're going to tell me how you feel about it. _I_ am going to get married, and when I want to shoot Lucas for not helping out, or when the wedding planner drives me _frickin'_ bonkers, I'm going to tell you about _that_."

The shaky breathing sounds like both a sob and a laugh and she smiles at how hormonal Haley is.

"We can't shove all this under the carpet, Haley-bug. See where the hell it took me when I did that last year?" She shakes her head to herself because it's utterly ridiculous that these words are actually coming from her own mouth when she had lived in denial for so long after the accident. "Positive thinking, remember Hales?" she then adds in a lighter tone, "The doctor told me and Lucas that a baby is still a possibility. And if I'm ever going to get knocked up, I have to think positive. I'm just questioning how the hell can I do that when you all act like the mere mention of diapers or pregnancies will make me break into tears?"

"I'm sorry, Tigger," Haley mumbles and the sound is muffled for a second, telling her that her friend is wiping her face on her sleeve. "I'm just still so worried about you, you know? I hate that you and Luke are up in New York… It's so far away."

"I know, sweetie," she sooths back, knowing that this is a sore point for her friend who still misses Lucas more than she says. "And I know that you're lonely when Nathan is away at games and stuff. Believe me, I wish you lived up here with us…"

They're both silent for a minute or two, because the thought of that–of them all being in the same city instead of hours apart–is bittersweet. But then reality pushes through when Jamie starts crying and Philip knocks on her office door.

"I love you, Hales," she says softly. "Tell Nate to behave and take you out to a nice dinner tonight, okay? I'll call you this weekend."

"Okay," her friend agrees and chuckles, "And don't forget to have Philip call that stupid magazine."

Then Haley curses loudly, stopping herself only when the curse-words are being echoed by a familiar high-pitched voice, and Haley groans.

"I swear to God, Brooke. If this _frickin_ baby kicks me one more time, I'm going to go insane!"

She laughs and says bye before hanging up.

Insanity or not, its frickin nice to have friends such as Haley James-Scott.

**-l-**

All throughout January, everything feels giddy and new. His and Brooke's engagement had spread through the press like a fire and when Philip finally confirmed it–after their dinner party at Nobu–there was a couple of days when the paparazzi were basically camped out just outside their doorstep.

But it's okay. Not even having to sneak out the backdoor when heading to the gym, or have Owen pick him up downtown and drive him to his weekly AA meeting, could put the slightest dent in his mood.

It still can't.

"Brooke?" he calls from the bathroom, one Saturday morning when February is just around the bend. "Did you use my razor?"

"No," she calls back from kitchen. "Maybe Rachel did? Why? Can't you find it?"

Even though no one can see him, he rolls his eyes and slathers some shampoo in his hair. Living with two women, even in an apartment as big as this one, is sometimes very challenging. Beauty products everywhere, always having to wait for the shower–even with two bathrooms–and the joy of them always siding together against him in disagreements. But as of last night, Rachel no longer lives with them.

Rachel now lives just a couple of floors below them, equipped with her own bathroom and her own razor and she could've been nice enough to leave his alone.

"Can you get me one from the other bathroom?" he calls again, cursing as soap suds slide into his eyes. "Please?"

Sure, he's going to miss having Rachel around, especially on the few nights that Brooke still has trouble sleeping, but the crazy redhead will be close if they need her, and fact that Rachel is moving out opens so many new possibilities.

He smirks when he thinks about all the things that he can do now, that he couldn't do before. Like make love to Brooke on the kitchen table, right in the middle of breakfast, or take her on the hallway floor the second she walks through the door. Because some days he misses her so much when she's at work that he literally doesn't know what to do with his time.

Lately he's even thought about dusting off his laptop, and that is surely a sign that he's got too much time on his hands because the concept of writing still scares the shit out of him.

He can't wait to christen every room of the loft with her, repeatedly. Maybe he could even get her to be naked all the time…

The sound of the spray masks his girlfriend's footsteps and he jumps and lets out a loud "Jesus Christ!" when hands suddenly slide around his waist, heading towards a part of him that is already stiff due to his earlier line of thought.

"Hi," comes the raspy murmur in his ear, "Someone seems to be in need of a cold shower…"

He lets out a low groan of pleasure and brings his arm back to feel Brooke's naked body behind him. His hand slides over the wet curve of her hip and then around her waist to push her flush against his back.

"Mmm… Took you long enough, Ms. Davis."

"You think?" she retorts playfully as her lips touch his shoulder blade and she nips his skin with her teeth, "Well, you could have told me that you were having fun without me. I would have gotten here much sooner…"

She feels so damn good pressed against him like this and he bites his lip when her hand finds its goal and her fingers wrap around him to give him a gentle tug. His head lolls back and he simply enjoys the sensation for a moment before wrapping his own hand around her wrist and pulling it away so that he can turn towards her.

"You know you're in trouble, right?" he murmurs and pushes her in under the warm spray of water. The sight of her, naked, wet and smiling all innocently, is pretty damn glorious and he bends his head down to kiss her. But an inch from reaching her lips he stops. "Right?" he pushes again and this time she giggles.

"Right," she moans when his mouth makes a beeline for her neck instead. "You should punish me…"

He groans and bites down on her skin hard enough to make her gasp. "Jesus, Brooke, you can't say stuff like that," he near whines. Punish her? God, why doesn't she just kill him right away? Just the raspy sound of her voice is enough to make his dick grow twice its size and that last sentence created a whole line of mental pictures to aid that growth even further. She should be damn thankful that Rachel has moved out because if she keeps this up, he _will_ punish her. And it's going to be one hell of a loud ordeal.

"You'd like that, huh?" he mumbles and presses open-mouthed kisses along her collarbone.

She tastes salty and flowery at the same time and he trails his tongue up the column of her neck and along the line of her jaw before he finally reaches her lips again. Her tongue greets him instantly, warm and wet and persistent, and he has to support himself with his palms against the wall when she cups his face and pulls him in closer, just so that he won't crush her with the way he wants to press against her.

Kissing Brooke is an experience he never gets tired of. Her kisses are so unrestrained, so arousing and so full of _her_. And there's just something so real in the way which they fit together. Even back in high school he always got this sense of 'connection' when they kissed, as if something just clicked into place the moment her lips met his and he tasted her mouth.

He must have been the world's most stupid person for not getting it back then. For letting her go.

"You better not have anything planned for today," he growls when she fists his hair and pulls his head back so that she can look at him. Her eyes twinkle in anticipation and he moves his body closer to hers, locking her in between his chest and the cold tiles, pressing himself against her. "_This_ is going to take a while."

She smiles saucily and her teeth bite down her bottom lip. Her fingernails rake over his pectorals, down over his stomach and then her hands disappear around his back to slide down his ass. "Good," she murmurs with clear satisfaction, "I was hoping you'd say that."

He mimics her move but when his palms cup the perfect globes of her backside he can't restrain himself from pulling her up and off the floor. She's wet and slippery from the warm water but he grabs her thighs tightly and holds her up against the wall so that he can reach her breasts with his mouth. Months of living with Rachel in the next room has taught his girlfriend to stay mostly non-vocal but that crap ends today. Today he wants nothing but to have her begging for him. Loudly.

"Let me hear you," he mumbles against her chest while circling her nipple with his tongue. "I need to hear you, Brooke…"

One nip with his teeth and just like that, her moans pick up in volume and her breaths come out in quick gasps. Just as responsive as ever.

"You too," she breathes out. "I want to hear you too."

One of her hands fists his hair again while the other hand squeezes its way down between them, fumbling to find his hard length. Her brow furrows in disappointment when realizing that she won't be able to reach him while they're positioned like this and he almost chuckles.

She so damn impatient, but he loves her all the more for it. Because he understands her completely. He had her last night and he still feels like he's going to spontaneously combust. Just having her rock her hips against his is beautiful torture and he shifts his grip on her thighs, suddenly finding himself nestled _right there_.

"It's been… so long… since we did…this…" she breathes out between wet kisses and his head falls against her collarbone as he finally pushes inside of her, grunting out a jumbled mess of 'God', 'Fuck' and 'so good…'

He knows what she means. They make love all the time but the shower hasn't really been at the top of the list for most visited venues. However, that is about to change because now the apartment is theirs and theirs alone and this is too good not to be done every morning.

Her legs wrap around him tighter and he slides out slowly just to push back inside with more force. The friction feels so damn wonderful that he has to squeeze his eyes shut and concentrate on not letting go.

With a quick glance towards the built-in shower bench, he digs his fingers into her thighs and pulls her from the wall. Not because he can't take her in their standing position – hell, she weighs hardly anything and he could hold her up all day if he wanted to – but because he can't make it good enough for her like this.

He told her that this would take time and now he worries that he won't be able to live up to that promise, so he needs his hands. Needs to be able to touch her.

"Oh my god, Lucas," she whimpers as he settles them into the new position and she pulls on his hair hard enough for him to cringe, "I can't–, it's so…"

"That's it, baby," he encourages when his name falls from her lips in another urgent plea. "Don't hold back on me."

Sitting down, with her straddling him, he can get in so much deeper and he matches her loud moans with grunts of his own. "You're so beautiful… you're going to be the death of me, baby… Oh fuck, you're so tight…" He probably sounds like an idiot with all the things he mutters in her ear but all of it is true and the words just keeps coming out unconsciously. If he hadn't already proposed to her, he'd probably be doing it now, right in the middle of having sex with her. She's killing him with her sounds and her taste and the way she moves on top of him.

Little by little she's truly unraveling him at the seams and pushing him closer towards exploding. But then he hears a totally different sound coming from outside the still open door to the bathroom.

"_Brooke? Owen and I are heading out for lunch. Do you guys wanna come with?" _

Crap…

Rachel.

Brooke stops mid-movement, tensing up and while doing so, clenching around him so deliciously that he involuntarily lets out a loud curse.

"_Lucas? Was that you? Where the_ _fuck_ are_ you guys?"_

His eyes stray towards the sound and for a second he actually thinks about stopping. It would be the intelligent thing to do since the door is wide open and their recently flown-out roommate could walk in on them at any second. But then he looks back at the brunette sitting on top of him. Sees how incredibly sexy she looks with her dark hair in wet ringlets over her shoulders and her teeth dug deep into that plump lip of hers in order not to let the moans out.

So instead of letting her answer Rachel, he grabs her by the waist and pushes her down hard while meeting the motion with a jerk of his hips. And the beautiful sound she had been holding back erupts.

"Oh, _fuck_! Lucas!"

The chain of loud moans that follows as he speeds up, still holding her firmly against him, is only rivaled in volume by Rachel's laughter.

"_Okay, Scott, I get it_," the redhead shouts from the hallway before the front door slams shut again, "_Call me later, B!_"

"That's not… funny…Luke!" Brooke gasps. But it's also the last coherent thing she says. He makes sure of that.

This is their first day living together without a chaperone and he's damn well going to make it memorable for the both of them. Oh, and first thing he's going to do the next time he sees Rachel?

He's going to take back that spare key.

**-l-**

Life is good – awesome even–, yet he knows that they have one more metaphorical river that they have to cross. The day is marked both in his calendar and in his mind, and even though January passed by in a complete state of bliss, he hasn't forgotten.

February 17th marks the day of his girlfriend's car accident and he both fears it and wants it over with at the same time. Because even though Brooke refuses to even mention it in passing, and clearly pretends to have forgotten all about it, he still expects it to be bad.

Especially after having talked to Nathan and heard the recap of how the day went last year.

But Brooke seems to deal with it better than expected. She stays happy and calm through-out the week leading up to the dreaded anniversary and if it weren't for the tiniest of changes in her daily routines, he'd probably think she was perfectly fine.

But after being back in her life for over seven months he knows her better than ever. And the tiny clues are there if you know where to look. Like the fact that she doesn't want to go to bed until she's basically falling asleep standing up. Or the suddenly increased aversion to cars, that had almost disappeared completely during the past month. Her hours at the office increases slightly as well but he lets that one slide, knowing that fashion week has just started and that Rachel keeps an eye on her at work.

All in all, he's damn proud of how much progress she keeps making.

"Are you two doing anything special on Thursday?" Charlotte asks them halfway through their therapy session on the 15th– a joint session that he specifically scheduled because of the upcoming date.

"No," Brooke answers, confused, "I have the entire day packed back to back with preparations for runway shows. Why?"

"Well, I think that you should take that day off," Charlotte replies gently, "just spend it with each other. We've talked about this, Brooke, and denial is not your friend."

His fiancé clenches her jaw, looking like she's going burst out into an angry rant, and he slides his hand comfortingly up and down her thigh.

"I _know_ that, Charlotte," she grits out after a deep breath, "but that doesn't mean that I want free time to dwell either, okay? I know what day Thursday is, but honestly? I just want to be so busy that I don't have to think about it at all."

Their therapist smile and he figures that it's because Brooke is being honest. They've come a long way since the first session when Brooke did nothing but to pretend that they were all there in vain.

"I understand that the day is a tough one and I'm not suggesting that you should sit down and wallow in the bad memories," she says and the woman's eyes flick over to him. "But you have to remember that this is hard on both of you. Do something fun together and create new memories." And then she looks back at Brooke, reaches over the low table and puts her hand on his girlfriend's in an attempt to offer some extra comfort. "It's not about forgetting, but sometimes it can be a way of making peace with what happens in our lives. A way to forgive."

For a couple of seconds it's very silent in the room and even Brooke seems to be holding her breath. But then she bites down hard on her bottom lip.

"Won't that feel like betrayal, though?" she asks in a voice that sounds so frail that he lifts his hand from her thigh and slides it around her shoulders instead.

"Betrayal towards who?" he whispers and places a kiss on the side of her head.

"Towards the baby. If it wasn't for the accident –"

She doesn't finish the sentence but he knows – and so does Charlotte Newman – that Brooke still feels very guilty about her own part in the car-crash. Getting her to understand that the truck would have hit her the same way, regardless of if she had been more focused while driving, is still a work in progress.

"Brooke?"

Charlotte asks for her attention but his girlfriend closes her eyes and leans against his shoulder.

"One thing at the time," he mumbles against her hair. "On Thursday we work on getting past the crash and only that. Okay?"

She nods.

"I'll try," she whispers. "Just promise me you won't force me to do something 'fun' on the 23rd…"

He exchanges a quick look with the therapist over Brooke's head and Charlotte nods almost unnoticeably. She knows as well as he does that the day of losing the baby is far worse for Brooke than the day she got hit by a U-haul truck and almost died. While his worst memories are from the first days in the hospital when he almost lost her, and from the night that he left her behind in New York, her worst nightmares all stem from the 23rd.

It's all been dealt with at this table. Every misunderstanding, every fear, and now it's time to start the whole concept of 'moving past and moving on'. They just need to get past this one last hurdle.

"I promise, baby," he assures Brooke softly and pushes some locks of hair from her face so that he can see her eyes. "As long as you don't push me away, I won't force you to do anything."

**-b-**

She takes Charlotte's advice and spends February 17th at Central Park Zoo with Lucas. It's easier than she thought to deal with the day when she's with him and, halfway through it, she realizes that the accident in itself is already behind her. Lucas is the one that drifts away in thought and who appears to have 'darker' moments where he seems sad or lost.

When she asks him about it, while stopping for a coffee in the early spring sun, he tells her that he just can't forget seeing her bruised body that day in the ICU. "I might never forget that," he mumbles and his hand finds its way in under her jacket and top to brush over the scars on her abdomen for what is probably the tenth time that morning.

"It's not about forgetting," she quotes Charlotte and kisses Lucas pained face. "It's about accepting and moving on. So let's move on to the Tigers and the cotton candy. Or…"

She squirms a little so that his hand slides up to brush the underside of her breast. "Or you could move a little more to the left. I'm pretty sure the animals won't mind if you grope me properly."

She winks and when he finally breaks a smile, then her heart thuds wildly in her chest because she's actually happy on this fucked-up date in the calendar. She even _allows_ herself to be, and it doesn't feel weird.

And for every hour it feels better. They laugh at the Chimpanzees, cuddle the kittens in at the baby-animal farm, stuff their faces with warm pretzels, sprinkled with cinnamon, and feed the leftover's to the Swans.

They have lunch at a cozy and intimate Italian restaurant in Tribeca and the afternoon is spent in bed making love. It's slow and tender and afterwards they lazily talk about their wedding plans, discussing possible dates and themes. By dinnertime, Rachel and Owen joins them and when they finally fall into bed again at close to midnight, she realizes that she hasn't cried once.

Not because she forced herself not to, but because there was nothing at all to cry about.

**-x-**

_Entertainment Weekly – February 19__th_

_**Celebrity sighting in Central Park**_

_Spring is around the corner and the Big Apple-celebrities take a day off just like us common people. Even Ms. Busy-B, _Brooke Davis,_ and her beau _Lucas Scott_, who were sighted at Central Park Zoo on Thursday, laughing and monkey'ing around with each other. They seemed to have a great time, even voluntarily posing for pictures in front of tourists and media, and onlookers tell us that Scott had his hands on Davis almost constantly._

_Three days into Fashion-week, it's a joy to see the famous designer and her fiancé being so carefree. Not that Davis and her empire have anything to worry about in the competition. Critics are already saying that her collection is well held together and even more creative than last year's, probably due to the obvious happiness in her life._

_Entertainment Weekly eagerly awaits pictures from her runway shows. And of course we're hoping that we'll get an official wedding-date for these two lovebirds soon._

**-l-**

Nothing could have prepared him for the frenzy that is Mercedez Benz Fashion week in New York. It's crazy, hectic and loud and several times he feels the need to drag Brooke out of the many tents and exhibit areas, just to protect her.

He doesn't of course, because it's obvious to anyone –him in particular– that she loves it. Thrives in it, even though it coincides with a dark time, and that it gives her a break from therapy, emotions and painful 'healing'.

She's doing so good that he hardly even worries on the morning of the 23rd when she rushes through preparations and engages in 'last call' for her runway models. He doesn't dote on her, instead he proudly watches from the celebrity pit, squeezed in between Gossip Girl actress Leighton Meester and Twilight-star Ashley Green as she holds her final show and receives standing ovations.

It's all going gloriously and it's not until they get home to their own apartment that evening that the last week finally seems to weigh a little too heavy on her. Muttering something about needing a shower, she disappears into the bathroom, and he allows her the personal space. But the water never starts. So after giving her fifteen minutes of privacy he walks towards the closed door and calls her name.

"Brooke?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Please don't come in here."

The voice is faint behind the wood and he frowns. "Why? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, Luke. I'm fine."

'Fine' is a ridiculous word to use in their home, especially on this day, and even more so with their past, so he reaches for the door handle without a second thought.

"I'm not doing the whole bathroom-door tango again, baby," he mumbles and turns the doorknob, surprisingly finding it unlocked. "If you're sad then I want you to tell–"

He stops when he sees her just sitting there on the closed toilet lid, makeup still perfectly in place and with no trace of tears on her cheeks. It's clear to him that something isn't right but she doesn't look upset, just tired. It had probably been too much for her to have the final runway show on the date of her miscarriage and now she was drained. But was that it?

"What's going on, pretty girl?" he asks softly and squats down in front of her to come level with her face. "You tired?"

She sighs and with a strange calm she reaches out and rakes her fingers through his hair. Its soothing and he loves the feeling of her fingertips massaging his scalp, the problem is just that he's not the one that needs to be soothed. She is the one with the blank expression, who closed herself into the bathroom instead of enjoying the adrenaline rush after a successful week.

"I just needed a minute," she says softly and leans in to press her lips against his forehead. "It's been a long day."

And five minutes ago, he would have bought that. Long day, hectic show – of course she's tired. But not now. There's something else, he can feel it.

"Was it something someone said?" he presses. "Someone from the Press? We both know what day today is, Brooke. You don't need to protect me."

She doesn't answer but unconsciously her eyes drift to the left, towards the wastebasket beneath the sink. And he follows her gaze, instantly seeing the tiny plastic stick thrown in there.

"Brooke?" he questions silently, not wanting to make it worse by assuming things.

"I'm fine," she repeats silently all while still running her fingers through his hair. "I just really thought that I was pregnant this time… I really thought I was."

Which means she isn't. If she was, then the stick would not be dumped in the trash bin.

"For how long did you think that?" he wonders softly and slides his palms up her thighs, wanting to add; "_Why didn't you tell me?_" but restraining himself from it.

"Just for a couple of days. It was just a feeling. I didn't want you to get your hopes up too."

He looks at the stick again and then up at Brooke's calm face. Waits for the crack in the façade but nothing comes.

Inside him disappointment fights to make itself known but he smiles towards her while pushing back mental images of them sharing the joy of a positive result. He hates that he wishes for that and he would rather cut his right arm off than have her know it.

"It'll happen," he says, keeping his voice encouraging and warm. "When we least expect it, baby, then it'll happen. Okay?"

"Yeah I know."

He still waits for tears – not because he wants her to be sad but because he thinks that she might need the outlet – but she pushes up from her seat and takes his hand, not giving the thrown away test a second glance.

Then she makes them tea while they take about her reviews from the critics, and it's starting to dawn on him that she _is_ okay, she's not just pretending to be. The dreaded week is over, they made it past both the date of the accident and the loss of their baby, and she's dealing with this newest result of not being pregnant better than he could have ever hoped for.

Which is why he doesn't understand why it's so damn hard for _him_ to fall asleep that night.

Long after Brooke drifts off, nestled close with her head on his chest, he still lies there staring at the ceiling. And finally, at a quarter to three, he gives up and gets out of bed.

A couple of minutes later he finds himself in the bathroom, holding her discarded test-stick in his hand, and he's not sure why he's reacting this strongly but suddenly tears pool in his eyes. It's not that he needs her to be pregnant, what he's been telling Brooke is the truth – he doesn't need kids, just her. But the stupid, bright blue, single line on the stick is such a sharp reminder of all the hurt they've experienced in the past. The baby they lost, the time they spent apart all in vain, even their pregnancy scare in high school.

Six years ago he had held another one of Brooke's pregnancy tests in his hand but that time the single line had been accompanied by a second one, just as brightly blue. He had been scared shitless back then. So young and naïve and afraid that a kid would ruin his life. And the thought of how much his seventeen year old self had wanted that test to be wrong hurts even more. It's all just so ironic because right now he would kill for a positive result.

His cheeks are wet with tears and he wipes them impatiently with the back of his hand. Sure, he's hurting–he tells himself that it's normal under the circumstances–but at least he doesn't feel an urge to drink or to stick his head in the sand.

Instead he washes his face, checks on the sleeping girl in the bed – the one that will soon be his wife – and then he retrieves his dusty laptop from the dresser. In the kitchen he opens it with shaky hands and presses the power button, determined to write down the thoughts that crowd his mind.

Because if Brooke is strong enough to deal with this– if she can push through all her demons and fears– then it's time for him to do the same. He can't keep being the coward forever and he needs to find out if he can still write, or if it's time to start thinking about a new career.

With everything that has happened the past two years, there should be writing material enough to last him a lifetime.

**-x-**

Authors note: It's been too long to even apologize for the time it took me to update, I know... :( I could come with a million excuses but that just seems unfair to those who have been waiting. All I can say is that writing fanfiction was a hobby that had to be kept on the backburner when life got too hectic but now I'm writing again. Hopefully someone is still reading...

Love, Lynn


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